


Adopted by Idina Menzel

by Lindsay (WillowLindsayFics)



Category: Broadway RPF, Chenzel - Fandom, Fanzel - Fandom, Frozen (Disney Movies), Frozen RPF, Idina Menzel RPF, Real Person Fiction, Wicked - All Media Types, Wicked RPF, idina menzel - Fandom
Genre: Adopted, Adopted Children, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Adoption, Celebrities, Gen, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, blackmailing, celebrities & real people - Freeform, daughter - Freeform, fanzel, gets kinda dark, lohrzel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 90
Words: 324,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24309712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowLindsayFics/pseuds/Lindsay
Summary: Erika Rivera was walking back from school one day when she saw a little boy run into the road right into the path of an oncoming bus. In a split-second decision, she dashed into the traffic and pulled the kid away, then quickly flees the scene. She had no idea who the kid was, nor who his mother was. All she cared about was getting back in time to make supper for her foster family. Little did she know how much her life was about to change, for better and for worse as tension rise with an unknown blackmailer and Idina's secretive past with her ex comes back to haunt her.But Erika's never had an easy life. And Idina might just be the next in a long line of people to let her down. She has one job: do not get attached. It should be easy, right?Idina wants nothing more than to give Erika the life she deserves. But Erika wants nothing to do with her. Will she manage to break down the walls between them, or will she be exactly what Erika expects her to be?
Relationships: Idina Menzel/Aaron Lohr
Comments: 54
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> None of this really happened.

Erika pulled her bright orange hood up over her head. It called attention. She hated attention. But the hoodie fit and was warm, and no one tried to steal it form her. So she hid her face in it. But not too much. There were many people who were looking for an unsuspecting girl to grab off the streets. No one would care if she went missing.

She came up to a crosswalk. The hand was flashing, letting her know there were only a few seconds before the lights would turn green. 

"Walker!" a voice called out. 

From the corner of her eye, she saw a small boy running into the intersection. There was a bus coming. She knew this because she was going to miss it. It was coming right towards him.

The hand was solid, no longer flashing. The kid wasn't that far away.

She did not think. She ran, collided with the kid and jumped, hoping there was enough strength to propel them both away.

There was horn and screeching noise and she felt her body collide with the pavement, sliding across the sidewalk with the kid pulled close against her chest. She looked up. Her head was pounding. People were staring at her. 

She let the kid go. He looked around, shocked.

Erika checked her watch. She was going to be late.

She jumped up. People were starting to clutter around. They were looking _at_ her, whispering _about_ her. She took a few steps backwards, towards the street that would take her home.

"Oh my god!" a woman was yelling, running over. 

The noise pulled her out of her stupor. She turned and dashed, crashing into a woman around her hight. There was something familiar in her face, but Erika didn't have the time. 

"Sorry," she muttered, taking the woman's arms and spinning them both around so that they were now on the sides they wanted to be on.

She felt the woman's grip on her tighten as she turned to run, but she pulled her arm free. There was no time for this. 

She kept on running until she came to the apartment complex her foster family lived in. She was late, but they wouldn't be home yet. She could make them something quick. She opened the gate, then took the elevator up to the eleventh floor. Once she got inside, she pulled off her sweater and dropped it on the couch with her backpack.

Pasta was quick. She scoured the pantry and found some tortellini and tomato sauce. Throwing on an apron, she boiled the water and started heating the sauce, her eyes fixated on the time. As the food was cooking, she set the table. She arranged her foster-sister's flowers in the center, tying them with a ribbon to match the table settings. 

When the tortellini was done, she grabbed a strainer and went to our it out.

A searing pain shot through her arm and hand. The bottom of the pan had grazed her skin. It was already turning red. 

Erika struggled to one-handedly pour the contents of the pot into the trainer. It needed to be on the table soon. They would be here any minute now. It was Friday. They came home early on Fridays so that they could go out.

She went over the medicine cabinet and gritted her teeth as she wrapped it with some bandages. She would deal with it later

She put everything on the table. The cheese, the sauce, as well as garnishes. Everything looked perfect.

Erika sighed in relief. She picked up her bag and sweater and brought them into her room. Her door didn't open all the way. Her bed was in the way. But she preferred it not opening to not closing. She squeezed between the door, but hand to take some items out of her bag and bring them in groups. Then she squished back into the hallway. 

She took went back to the small bathroom and pulled the wrap off. It was starting to blister. She found some Tylenol as she heard the keys opening the door. Everything had been out for less than five minutes it was all perfect. She swallowed the Tylenol and re-wrapped her arm after quickly smearing some disinfectant on it. 

"Good afternoon," she said with a smile, taking their coats and hanging it up.

"What happened to your arm?" her foster-mother, Ruth, asked.

"I burnt it," she replied. There was no use in lying. "Just now though, no one will see it by Monday."

"Stupid girl," Ruth's husband said. 

"Go cover it up," Ruth said, "I don't want to see it." 

Erika nodded and went to her room. She pulled on a long sleeve shirt over top of the one she was wearing. That was when she realized she had not set aside a portion for herself. She'd put all the food on the table. She mentally kicked herself. Now she would have to try and sneak the leftovers. But if Jason noticed, he'd hit her. He hated leftovers. And he checked the garbage regularity to make sure she wasn't eating any of "their food". 

She walked back out to the kitchen."Is everything well?" she asked. 

Ruth nodded. Her daughter, Lily, turned to her.

"Erika?"

"Yes?"

"I noticed that you didn't leave something for yourself."

"I ate before you arrived," Erika replied with a smile. 

"Why can't you do that every day?" she muttered. "I'm surprised. I heard there was a commotion with the bus you normally take."

"I made arrangements to get back earlier because I know you want to go out." The lies flew off her tongue. The family did not care. They might be mad. They wouldn't want police poking around. One of them might have some sense and take her away. 

Erika doubted it. She'd seen worse. But she did not want to risk that either. At least she had her own room. At least she could sleep the full night. There were so many at leasts. 

Erika was dismissed back to her room. She closed the door and studied until they called her to clear the table. Lily tripped her twice. She said nothing and took the slap across the face silently. When they had left, she dug through the trash and took out a dozen or so pieces of tortellini. Enough that Jason would not notice. 

Then she went to sleep before the medicine wore off and her body remembered it was actually hungry. She had to get up early tomorrow and start the chores. 

She had no idea that this very moment someone was rewatching dash-cam footage and security camera, longing to know who she was. 

Erika pulled her paper-thin sheets up over her head. She needed to sleep.

Tomorrow was going to be a big day.


	2. Chapter 2

Erika had been up since six in the morning, doing chores. She was walking up the stairs after taking out the trash and going shopping, exhausted. Her foster family did not like her taking the elevator. She only did it when she knew they were not in the building. 

She got to her floor and opened the door. She took a second to straighten her posture before stepping.

"I'm so glad you were there," a strange voice was saying. 

Erika walked down the hallway into the kitchen and placed the good on the counter. She then turned to the living room. There was a strange woman sitting on the couch across from her foster family as well as some police officers. Everyone looked up at her.

"Oh, Erika!" Lily jumped up with a bubbliness that almost scared her and gave Erika a stuff hug. "Can you please give me my sweater back now? The orange one I leant you this morning?"

Erika looked around. The woman was staring at her. Really staring at her. Her green eyes were like daggers, cutting into Erika's face as if their bearer could possibly decipher the meaning of life by staring at her. Erika couldn't tell if she knew the woman or not, but there was an intense feeling of Deja Vu.

"What?" Erika asked.

" _My_ sweater," Lily growled. " _My_ orange sweater. Go get it. It's in your room."

Erika looked around. What was going on? 

Ruth stood up. "Erika, please go and get Lily's sweater." She spoke slowly, like as if Erika would suddenly understand if she paced out her words just so. "Now, please. This is very important."

Erika nodded robotically. It was her automated response to Ruth's "now, please." Nod and walk off. Don't question.

She went to her room and grabbed the sweater. It was dirty and torn she realized. Then it dawned on her. The strangers were here because of her. Lily wanted her sweater because Lily was pretending to be her, to have saved that kid. Erika balled the sweater in her fists. 

She took a deep breath. What could she do? Was there any use in fighting this? What could she say to prove it? Ruth and Jason would say they had been there. And that they had run off because Erika had been home alone, making supper for them and they did not want to be late. Or maybe they would say that she had called because she had burned herself, and they wanted to make sure she was okay. They would compliment Erika on how kind she was and how amazing it was that she helped them out. 

They would not say that they made her eat alone without them, or shoved her into a room that she could barely get out of. If the building burnt down she could get trapped and die. It was the facade they put up. And Erika went along with it because it was safe. Because as far as she knew they'd never tried to steal the money she made from work. When she turned eighteen she could leave. She would have enough if she could stay with these people long enough to save up. Letting Lily get the glory was a small price to pay for not dying under a bridge, homeless and cold.

She walked back out to the living room, holding the sweater. The woman stood up and walked over to Erika and clasped the sweater. Erika held her breath. She looked into the visitor's eyes for a moment, but the gaze was so intense that she dropped her eyes and looked away. She could feel how close the woman was to her. Feel her breath. 

Slowly, the guest gripped her upper arms. The sudden change made Erika flinch and she looked back un into the woman's eyes.

"No," the woman said, looking back at Ruth. "It's her. I saw her that day."

 _No_ , Erika pleaded, _no just stop. Don't say anything, let Lily get what she wants._

"You could not possibly have," Ruth started. "Lily was there. Erika was here all night. We try to get her to come out, but she' was in such a mood last night we just let it go."

Erika was shaking. Or she felt like she was shaking. She wanted to run again. Run away. 

"Erika," the guest said. Erika had never heard anyone say her name like that like it was a name that belonged to someone who meant something.

The kettle made a popping noise to indicate that the water was boiled.

"Erika," Ruth echoed the woman, "why don't you get everyone some tea?'

"Yes," Erika said almost too quickly. Any reason to get away.

She left the sweater in the stranger's hands and started to walk over to the kitchen when the strange grabbed her burnt arm.

"Ow," she gasped, pulled her arm away.

This time the woman took her harm back. She rolled up Erika's sleeve.

"What happened?" she asked, staring at the bandage. 

"I got burnt last night,'" Erika admitted, "Just cooking though, it' not bad only tender."

She tried to pull her hand away again but this time the woman was expecting it. The woman was gentle as she bushed her hand over the bandage, slowing unravelling it. When the bandage slipped away she gagged.

Erika stared at the burn just as shocked. It had gotten a lot worse.

"Have you been to the hospital?"

Erika shook her head.

Ruth stood was over there in an instant. "Erika, how come you didn't tell us it had gotten worse?" She was trying to sound concerned, but it just came out as if she was trying not to yell. "See, this is why we had to leave because she called to say that had burned herself."

"It's not that bad," Erika echoed. It was true. Sure it hurt, but it only looked bad because there were blisters. As long as it did not get infected she would be fine. "What is going on?" She finally asked.

Then the officer got up. "From what we can tell, one of you two young ladies saved Mrs. Menzel's son yesterday. That sweater," he pointed to the one the woman, Mrs. Menzel, was still holding, "Is out only lead. May I see it."

"Of course," Mrs. Menzel said, handing it over.

"And you think the foster girl Erika is the one you saw?" Mrs. Menzel nodded.

"Is something wrong?" Erika asked nervously. She did not want to get in trouble.

"No!" Mrs. Menzel exclaimed. "Nothing's wrong." She was so soft-spoken. Erika had never met anyone so soft-spoken. 

"It seems here that this sweater belongs to one Erika Rivera. Is that you?"

Erika nodded. She wrote her name in everything. It helped her get her stuff back more than once when she'd been in group homes. Ruth was giving her the death glare.

"And it matched the description and what we saw on the videos," he continued, "and these look like some skid marks matching what we might have expected." He held up the back of the sweater, where the marks and dirt were clearly visible.

"She gave the sweater to me," Lily said. "Because it's ugly. I wanted something no one would recognize me in and she gave me that. I gave her one of my sweaters." She added the last comment after a pause as if it would make her seem any better.

The officer put up his hands to silence Lily and then turned to Mrs. Menzel. "And you say you saw Erika." Mrs. Menzel nodded. "Erika, do you have anything to say."

Erika froze. She looked around. She knew she shouldn't lie to an officer, but she couldn't say anything against Lily. She would be sent away, back to the group home, She did not want to go back to the group home.

Her stomach lurched. She turned away and barely made it to the sink before she threw up. Almost immediately there was a hand rubbing her back, but she was too preoccupied to push it away.

Erika ran the water and washed her mouth before she looked back at everyone. She could feel the heat burning in her cheeks. Mrs. Menzel had a studying hand on her back, and another lightly on her upper arm.

"We need to sort this out, now," the second officer said. "Everyone sit down."

Erika knew she wouldn't be sick again, but she wished she would. The officers decided that everyone would be interviewed separately. Erika, Ruth, and Jason were sent out of the room. She lipped into her tiny room, hoping the walls were thin enough for her to hear what Lily was saying.

They weren't.

She rolled her eyes. This was cutting into her studying time. She had no desk in her room as there was no space. However, Erika had improvised. Her bed was pressed right up against the sliding doors to the closet and made a perfect chair. The shelves in the closet were not wide, but they were tall, giving her a dark but workable study space. She had just picked up where she'd left off on her essay when there was a knock on the door, then the sound of the door hitting the bed from.

"There's something in the way," a familiar soft voice said, "May I come in?"


	3. Chapter 3

"The door is stuck," Mrs. Menzel said, still trying to open it.

Erika searched for some courage. "It's not stuck," she said, turning around. She got up and stood on the two-foot gap between her bed and the wall. "The bed is in the way." She held the door and helped the woman through.

Erika was suddenly aware of how small the room was. She knew it had been small, but it was not like she had ever had much more space than a bet before. But now that there was a second person in here it seemed even smaller. They were taking up most of the available floor space and her schoolbooks, organized in stacks by day, were taking up the rest. The blue walls had nothing but a few scuff marks on them. The sliding doors were covering the unorganized stage part of her closet, leaving her makeshift work desk the only thing that looked like someone used it.

"This is your room?" she sounded appalled.

Erika straightened her posture. She suddenly felt offended. "So?"

"It's just, small, and uh, I'm not sure the door is safe."

"I don't have to share with anyone, and no one steals my stuff, or messes with my stuff." She folded her arms across her chest.

"Sorry," Mrs. Menzel said. "May I sit?"

"Sure."

They both sat on the bed.

"Look," Mrs. Menzel started, "I want to ask you right now, face to face, if you were the one who saved Walker." She put her hands on Erika's and drew them into her lap. "Those few seconds were the scariest moment of my life. I thought he was going to die, and I was just standing there, frozen, letting it happen and I-" her voice cracked; she stifled a sob. "I was just so scared. Then you jumped into the traffic and was gone before I could even say thank-you."

Erika stiffened. She said 'you' not 'someone'. Deep down, she knew.

"Mrs. Menzel," Erika started.

"Idina, please," she said. "Please call me Idina."

"Idina," Erika corrected herself. She took her hand out of Idina's and sat on them. She opened her mouth to continue but she did know what to say. "I-uh, I mean, whatever Lily says is probably what happened," she sputtered.

Idina's face fell. "Is there something wrong here, do you want me to tell the officers? Get you out of here?"

"No!" Erika almost shouted. "No," she repeated, quieter. "I don't want to leave," she admitted. "This is the best place I've ever been. If they send me somewhere, it will be worse."

"You can't be sure of that, surely."

"I can be," Erika challenged. "This is the best place I've ever been in." If she played her card right, she would not die under a bridge.

"Alright," Idina sighed. She turned to Erika. "Theoretically, if someone wanted to keep a secret about why they saved my son, why would they do it?"

Erika was silent for a second. "Theoretically. A person might not want to get on the bad side of the people taking care of her. Theoretically."

"Oh my god," Idina said, her words weighted with relief. She hugged Erika, pulling her close. "Thank you," she whispered, tears falling down her cheeks. "Thank you so much. If there is anything I can do for you, absolutely anything, let me know."

Erika was silent. But she soon warmed to the hug, raising her arms around Idina, being wary of her burnt forearm. Idina seemed to take this as encouragement and squeezed Erika tighter.

Idina pulled back and wiped tears from her eyes. "I still don't get it," she said.

"You wouldn't," Erika huffed. Idina stared at her intently. "I take what I can get, what's safe. Giving Lily whatever Lily wants is safe."

"What if you came and lived with me?"

Erika snorted. "Wait, you're serious?"

"Yes."

Erika snorted again. "No offence, but you have no idea how the system works."

"Then enlighten me."

"For one, I'm with a foster family. Not in an orphanage."

"What's the difference?"

"Theoretically, in a foster family one fosters a kid until they feel ready to adopt the kid. In practice is more like the most deplorable people on the planet get free money for doing nothing, then exchange the kid back when it becomes apparent they might have to do something. I get fed here. That is a step up. Orphanages are where a bunch of homeless kids run around and hope no one kills them."

"And if they get annoyed with you, they send you back?"

"To some group home where the best part is that three people share a space this small."

"But there has to be something I can do. Where's your phone?"

"I don't have one."

Idina looked around. "You have a laptop, email?" Erika nodded. "Good, I'll give you my personal one. I want you to email me if you ever need anything."

Erika was not buying it, but she reached over and pulled out her laptop. She booted it up and entered her pin, then handed it to Idina. She made a word document with her email on it and saved it o her desktop.

"I want you to let me know, promise me."

"I will," Erika said haphazardly.

"Erika!" They both looked over to see Lily sticking her head in through the door. "What are you telling her? I'm so sorry, is she keeping you here? God, Erika what is wrong with you?'

"No, I'm—" Idina started.

"Is that my old laptop?" Lily screeched in a loud voice. It was not, they both knew it. Erika had it when she came.

Lily snatched it form her. "Oops," she said, as she threw it to the floor. There was a painful crack.

"MOM!" Lily shrieked. Everyone came running to where Lily was standing mortified at the laptop while Idina stared, shocked. Erika's face was blank.

"She broke my old laptop," Lily started.

"No," Idina said.

"She's lying," Lily started again. "They both are, they've got some plan for publicity, I overheard them talking about it. Idina wants to take Erika away from us and use her for fame. Erika, how could you be so ungrateful after everything we have done for you, you're just going to go with her and lie because she's offering you money? I thought you were my friend."

The officers stood confounded. Ruth and Jason were boiling over. Erika was frozen stiff. She did not dare breathe.

It was Ruth who spoke next: "Really Erika, I can't believe you're dumb enough to believe all these lies this woman is telling you. You must always tell the truth. She might be famous, but she cannot save you. No one will. That is why you are here, with us. Because no one else wants you."

"You're, you're famous?" Erika asked Idina.

Idina blushed and said: "Yeah, um I'm on Broadway and I sing and stuff."

"Oh." She had no idea. She couldn't sing to save her life.

The officers told everyone to exit the room and come to the living room. The asked point-blank what was going on, telling Ruth and Jason to be honest as lying to an officer was a criminal offence. 

"Well, Erika," Ruth spat, "What's your side of the story?"

Everyone was staring at Erika. She stared at her feet. "I was walking home from, and, uh..." No, she couldn't say it. 

Jason spoke up. "This is crazy," he started. "It's clear she didn't do it. You're making her uncomfortable." He went on about how venerable she was and how easy she was to manipulate. They needed to be thinking about Erika, this wasn't good for Erika. Erika was not possibly capable of those types of actions. Poor, poor Erika.

"Erika," an officer asked. "Is this true?"

"Yes," she muttered. Yes because she wished it was true and it would all go away and saying it was true would make it all go away. She hoped. She did not need to look at Idina to know that her face had dropped in disappointment.

"Good girl," Ruth praised. She brought her foster child a glass of water. "Go take a seat, sweetie." She led Erika to the couch.

Erika sat down, clutching the glass.

"Alright," one of the officers says. "Everyone out. We will question Erika alone."

Her heart sank. She had no idea what story Lily had given. There was no way she could get out of this.


	4. Chapter 4

Idina wasn't kicked out of the room. The officers asked if she could stay and Erika responded with ambivalence.

"I _really_ do not care," she said. "At all." She rested her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. "Why does this all matter? Has anyone even done anything wrong?" She was frustrated.

"Not much," the first officer, Officer Higgins, said. "But now we are worried about you and your situation here."

"It's perfect here," she said. "Sure it's not your picture-perfect family, but this is literally the best household I have ever lived in my entire life. I mean sure, the bar's not that high, but there will never be anything that gets better than this. Do you know what they said when I said I had a job? 'Just be home in time to make supper!' That's it. I didn't get kicked out, I wasn't told I had to pay 500 dollars a day to live in the house anymore. No one _stabbed_ me for my bank card. My last _guardian_ let that happen." She spat the word 'guardian'. Then she rolled up her shirt, revealing a long scar across her ribcage. Idina tried to stifle her gasp. She tried not to stare. But she couldn't take her eyes off of the scar tissue that screamed of improper care. 

Erika continued: "So I'm sorry if I don't care about who gets mindless praise for something anyone would have done."

"Not anyone," Idina interjected. " 'Anyone' stood by. Someone did something."

"Whatever," Erika said with an eye roll. "I'm not admitting to doing anything. If you want to help me, give Lily whatever she wants. I get to stay here, save up money for when I turn eighteen and get kicked out, and hopefully, no one stabs me before then. And then maybe I don't get murdered and die under a bridge before I turn nineteen. Just maybe." She crossed her arms and sat back.

The officers looked up at Idina. This was her choice. 

"Fine," she muttered. "I'll do what you want."

Erika gave her a practiced smile. "May I go now?"

The officers nodded and went to get her foster family. 

Idina put on a brave face. She was an actor, she could pretend. And she did. She pretending like nothing had changed since Erika walked through the door, smiling and thanking Lily, telling her she'd be in touch. That she would nominate Lily for a good

* * *

It was the day of the presenting of the award. A large crowd had gathered in a park in NYC to see the girl who had saved the life of the Broadway star's son. Idina felt like she had swallowed a hornet's nest. She'd never felt so nervous. It was because she knew this was a lie. But she put on a brave face and pushed through it.

As she was presenting Lily with the award, she looked over at her family and could not help but notice that Erika was missing. It means nothing, she told herself as she went through the actions she had practiced a thousand times in front of the mirror. Absolutely nothing. 

When she ceremony was over, the crowd began to disperse. She walked over to the family.

"Hi," she said with a smile.

"Hello," the mother, Ruth, replied.

"I noticed Erika isn't here today," she started, hoping she was not being too nosy. "Is she working or...?"

"We sent her back," the father, Jason replied.

"What?" Idina asked, unable to hide her shock.

"No police," Jason continued. "One of the rules. She knew the rules."

Idina's jaw hung askew. How did she reply to this? "Oh," was all that came out. "Goodbye," she said abruptly and turned to walk away.

She went back to her hotel. She was going back to LA today with Walker, but part of her did not want to leave yet. Not without Erika. She called her husband. Then she checked flights back. It would be tight, but she could fly with Walker home, make sure he got through the gates, then take another flight back an hour later without leaving the airport. 

But what was she going to do? She called her husband again. 

"I don't know what to do," she told him, running her hands through her hair.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

She paused. What did she want to do?

"I want to make sure she is okay," she replied.

"And how will you do that?"

"By _making_ sure she is okay," Idina replied. "By doing something about it. She saved Walker's life and I messed hers up."

"How will you make sure?"

"I-I don't know," she admitted. "I, she should come live with us." She tensed up. She had no idea how he would respond.

"You want us to adopt her?"

"We can deal with it, financially," she said. "Or I could do it. She saved Walker's _life_." She stifled a sob. "He wouldn't be here now if she hadn't."

"Okay Idina," he agreed. "You need to do this. Do it."

"Thanks," she sobbed. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."


	5. Chapter 5

Idina spent months taking the courses, buying an apartment, getting all the paperwork in order. Today was the day, the big adoption day. She would choose a kid to foster. Unlike all the other couples, she knew what kid she wanted. Erika Rivera. The name was burnt into her mind.

She went to the park. There were a bunch of activities set up and children running around everywhere. Idina checked in and got her badge. She did not bother walking around or talking to any of the kids. Not that any of them bothered to come up to her. She went straight to the social worker's counter.

"Hi!" her worker said with a friendly smile. "Have you found a kid you like?" Her nametag read Candice.

"Yes," she said. "Erika Rivera."

The woman looked around for a second, to see if Erika was nearby, Idina assumed. When she did not see a kid, she took out her tablet. "One minute," she said as she typed. "Erike Rivera, are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes I'm sure," Idina replied. She could feel her blood pressure rising. She was nervous, and anxious, and every second felt like incompetence.

"I'm not sure where you could have gotten that's names..." the worker started. "I think the kid is playing a trick on you. Could you point her out?"

"Why?" Idina asked.

The worker gave her a confused look. "There's no Erika Rivera in our system."

Idina's ears started to ring. The world was spinning. "What, how is that possible?"

"She was in our system," the woman continued.

"And?"

"And she's not anymore. She ran away a month ago."

Idina felt faint. She must have looked it too, for Candice quickly brought her to a chair and gave her a bottle of water.

"But, I-" Idina stuttered. She couldn't wrap her head around it. She was supposed to be saving Erika. "I was going to adopt her and..." she did not finish the sentence. 

"Let me guess," Candice said with nothing but kindness, "You met her when she was still with the family of the girl who saved your son?"

"Yes," Idina admitted.

"And when you learned she was sent back you wanted to help?"

"Of course."

"And you assumed she would be waiting for you."

"I didn't think she had a choice." A thought crossed Idina's mind. "How did she run away? Aren't you supposed to be protecting them,? Where's the police, the investigation, the nationwide hunt? There's a missing girl."

Candice came down to her level. "I've been working with girls like Erika for most of my life," she said. "When they got to be her age things rarely end well. Erika's special, she has a brain at least, but in the end she one of millions of children without a home. We report it to the police, but we can't do much else. She's sixteen. She doesn't have to be in school. By the time anyone finds her, she would most likely be over eighteen and no longer a runaway. It's a waste of resources."

"How is it a waste of resources?" Idina pulled at her own hair, balling her hands into fists. "How do people let this stand?"

"Thousands of kids run away from homes every day. There isn't enough manpower to search and find every single one of them and keep the world running. Not to mention all the runaways who are never reported. There was an investigation, but nothing came up."

"Then why aren't they still looking?"

"Because at this point, if nothing has come up nothing will. "

"What about the public, I didn't see on the news. This should be all over the news."

"Girls like Erika run away all the time. It's not news," Candice said. "No one cares about a runaway teenager. It's harsh, but it's the world."

Idina was fuming. "I'll make them care," she muttered. "I have my own platform. I'll put out an Amber Alert since you guys won't."

"We already have, Idina." Candice gave her a hug. "I didn't know you had your heart set on one kid already. I don't know Erika personally, but honestly, I'm not sure it would have been a good fit. There are hundreds of kids here. Someone who will be perfect for you and your family. Don't give up."

"I'm not here for some random kid," Idina said, trying to keep her voice low. "I did this for Erika."

"You don't have to go through with being a foster parent," Candice said. "Most people never make it. And maybe someone else will come along. It's okay."

Idina nodded. But it was not okay. She left without talking to anyone else, then ran quickly back to her apartment before the paparazzi could find her. She spent the next hour drinking all the alcohol she could find, crying. It felt like something had been stolen from her. Like someone had stolen one of her awards, snatching it from the host before it could even be given to her. She would not give up.

She scoured the Amber Alerts until she found one for Erika. She retweeted it. She posted it on Instagram and every other site she could think of. She promised a reward if someone found her unharmed. 

She was going to find Erika and bring her home.


	6. Chapter 6

Idina woke up the next morning to a pounding headache. Her phone was blowing up. She'd missed over 11 calls. From her parents, manager, and others. 

She threw her phone across the sofa and got up, the world still spinning. 

She'd gotten through three bottles of the good stuff. 

And she was going to be sick.

Idina bolted to the bathroom and vomited into the sink. Well, more like all over the sink. She tried to clean it up, but only succeeded in vomited again, creating a larger mess. She gave up, standing hunched over the sink until she was certain there was not a single fluid left in her body.

Then she got herself coffee. She could clean this up after a good black coffee. 

Idina could hear her phone buzzing, but she ignored it. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Not until she had downed this coffee. And maybe to some aspirin. No, definitely not until she'd downed some aspirin. 

She found some cleaning supplies in the cupboard and went to work. What had she been thinking last night? She had not been thinking, clearly. And she still wasn't.

Her whole body felt alert, like as if lightning was running through her veins instead of blood. Every little sound startled her. 

It's just the hangover, she tried to tell herself. But it was not.

Idina slept for the rest of the morning. In her bed, this time. She slept until late into the afternoon.

After waking up, she showered. Then, with a deep breath, Idina grabbed her phone. 

Thousands of people were messaging her, claiming they knew Erika. They had proof, no way to know, they were just hoping for the money. She felt her gut drop. This was not going to work.

Idina spent the rest of the afternoon on her phone. She ordered food in and had it left at the door. She never opened the blinds either. She cocooned herself in, falling deeper and deeper with every false message she read.

Erika's face was everywhere on the news. This might have been a bad idea. What if someone with bad intentions saw Erika and knew that had no one, nowhere to go. What if they knew that no one was really looking for her, all because of those stupid posts?

And what if she never found Erika? This would all be for naught. 

Erika would not have been found if she had not done this, Idina reassured herself. And when Erika was found, she would be safe. Because Idina would make her safe.

She bit her tongue, the metallic taste of blood flooding into her mouth. Something would come up somewhere.

And eventually, it did. 

Someone sent her a picture of themselves with Erika. As proof that she knew Erika. There was a short message. 

_I haven't seen her in a week, but I think I might know where she's going. I just want her to be okay._

Idina sighed in relief. Now she had a clue.


	7. Chapter 7

Idina messaged the friend back. The girl in the picture, with wiery blonde hair and grey eyes, was called Arwen. She went to school with Erika. She snuck Erika snacks and they had sleepovers all the time, though had become less frequent when she had moved in with her foster family.

Arwen was having supper, but they arranged to video call once that was over. Her parents were concerned too.

This was good. Idina's heart was no longer racing, she was no longer freakishly alert. Yet she still paced the length of the flat. She was suddenly aware of how bear it was, just a place to sleep. There were some pictures of Aaron and Walker in her bedroom, but other than a few knick-knacks she had laying around, there was nothing.

She missed home. She missed Walker. He was ten and did not really understand why she would not come back. He said he did, that he knew the girl who saved him now needed help, but he did not understand. She missed him fiercely. But he was safe, she reassured herself, with his father and step-father. The four of them would be a nice family someday.

Her phone rang. It had not left her hand since she'd seen the first message Arwen had sent her.

She answered, with video. Just to prove she was who she said she was. If it had been anything else, she would not have wanted anyone to see her.

"Hi," the girl said sheepishly. She was laying on her stomach on her bed.

"Hey," Idina said. What was she supposed to say?

"I, um," the girl began. "How did you meet Erika? Like she never mentioned it. Sorry!" she hid her face in the covers, "I didn't mean to pry."

Idina smiled a sweet smile. Arwen knew who she was. "I'm just like you," she said. "We met a while ago under chance circumstances," Idina admitted. "I was hoping to help her out, but then I found out she ran away."

Arwen nodded along with her.

"Yeah, she stopped coming to school just over a month ago. I thought maybe she'd been transferred to a new district or something, and I knew her laptop broke so I had no way of contacting her. I had no idea until the police showed up, asking people questions. I told them what I thought, but it didn't do any good. You can do something, right?"

"I hope so," Idina said. She meant it with every fibre of her being.

"'Cause like I know she's smart and all," Arwen said, "but I don't think she's as smart as she thinks she is sometimes, and I'm worried this is one of those sometimes."

"Where do you think she went?' Idina did not want to be forwards, but she needed to know. Needed to know something, anything. Not knowing was the worst thing possible, because it meant she couldn't try anything and that she was useless.

"I'm, uh," she stuttered.

"It's fine," Idina said, "take your time."

Arwen took a deep breath. "I think she might have gone update. I'm not sure if she's camping out or trying to get into Canada, probably not the latter. But probably something stupid." She trailed off, muttering.

"Why?"

"Just stuff she said in class. She would always joke and say the next home would be the forest or going on about maple syrup. I didn't think she would actually run away. It was always a joke."

"Until now," they both said at the same time.

Arwen suddenly seemed less tense. "ANd she had a back account, but I told them about it. They said they already knew and she'd taken all the money out and shut it down."

"So no one can track her through it."

Arwen nodded. "She's smart. But I don't think she really thought this one through. Like it's September, what will she do when it snows? How does she plan on getting across the border?" Arwen was growing more frustrated. "I really hate her sometimes. Wait no! Not like that just she's frustrating and I hate that I'm worried and that she's making me worried."

"it's okay," Idina reassured her. Arwen had tears forming in her eyes. "You told all this to the authorities?"

"Yeah," she said again. "But they did not find anything. With the alert out if she tries to cross the border with her passport, someone will find her. But for all I know, she's tried to get a new one or something and will get herself in a lot of trouble."

"Okay," Idina said, trying to process it all. "Thank you so much. I promise I will do whatever I can."

"No, thank you so much. I couldn't get anyone to listen they said that-"

"These things happen all the time and they would do their best?"

"Exactly."

"I'll see what I can do, and I'll let you know how it goes."

"Thank you," the girl whispered again.

The call ended.

Idina took a deep breath. Upstate. That was somewhere. But there was no proof. She could be ruining to Colorado. But it was more of a direction than anyone had been willing to give her.

What was she going to do? She collapsed on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. _Erika, where are you?_

* * *

Erika was laying low. She knew that celebrity would be trouble. SHe'd been on a bus when the radio started talking about, blasting her description for everyone to hear. Luckily, busses did not have television screens. But the description, a girl, sixteen but looks younger, five two, brown hair brown eyes, caucasian., was her. It was also the description of many other people on the bus. 

But she could not help but feel as if more people were staring at her. They weren't, but it felt like they were. 

She wasn't sure how far they were broadcasting the news, but she knew she had to outrun it. Go somewhere, change her identity. It would be harder now. It would have been easy to go cross country, slip back into the system, get new documents. Now she couldn't. Now someone would find her. 

It was just a question of when, and who.


	8. Chapter 8

"Idina, you need to come home," Aaron said.

"But I-"

"But you need to come home," he repeated. "This is blowing up. It's insane. It's been four months since you started this. Walker misses you. I know you're invested in this girl, but Idina, Walker needs you. I need you."

She felt the longing on his breath. She loved him, she did, but he did not understand. "If I give up now-"

"What?" he asked. "WHat will happen?"

"Nothing," she admitted.

"Yes, nothing. You've started this, you do not have to end it. The entire state is looking for Erika. If they find her, they will be running head over heels to let the authorities know for that money you offered."

"Yes," she said. It was true. But the more she thought of it, the more she realized she had made a mistake. Putting money out there. What if someone wanted more? She needed to be where she could control the situation. It was out of control. She could not just run away to LA and pretend like it did not exist.

"Nothing," she reiterated. "Nothing will happen at all. It will just go away." She stifled a sob. How had she gotten so caught up in this?

"Idina." his voice was firm yet gentle. It melted her. "Idina, I love you so much. And I love Walker so much. And I can't imagine what you felt that day. But I want to be there for you. You need to come home."

"I know," she said through sobs. "I just- I can't- I don't know what to do. If something happens and it's all my fault, what am I going to do?"

"We can get through it together," he said. He did not say that it would not be as big of an issue if she hadn't gotten drunk and posted all over social media. But at the same time, no one would be looking for her. 

"One more week," she pleaded. They'd only been searching a month since Idina set the efforts upstate. 

"This really means a lot to you," Aaron said.

"Yeah," Idina replied. More than he knew. No, he knew just how much. He knew her. He loved her, and she loved him, but it wasn't enough. Not when it came to this.

"And I know I encouraged you."

"Yes, you did," she said curtly.

"What if I came to New York? I don't think Taye would mind staying with Walker a bit longer."

"How is Walker?" 

"He misses his mommy."

"I know, can you put him on?"

"Yeah." He called Walker over.

"Hey baby," she said when she heard him take the phone.

"I'm not a baby," he said.

Idina chuckled. "I love you," she told him.

"I know, I love you too."

"How are you, how's school going?"

"I hate school. Come home." He hung up.

Well, she deserved that. 

Aaron called her back. "Sorry," he said.

"It's not your fault." She felt so guilty. It was like there were two fishhooks in hear heart, pulling in opposite directions and she was currently in the balance, where they both tugging but none taring. if she took a step in either direction, a line would snap or a hook would take a chunk out of her heart. She was not ready for that to happen. She would rather stay suspended between then.

She told him she loved him, then hung up. There was nothing left to say.

* * *

Erika was somewhere between upstate New York and Maine. She wasn't sure where, exactly, but she found a live-in position in a small depanneur in a small town. And if she did not know where was, no knew where she was. Then no one could find her. 

The family was nice, and she tutored their son. People came and went, but no one paid her any mind. 

They might not recognize her now. Erika now knew that the picture blasted across the media was from when she was twelve. Malnourished. Small. 

Turns out a great way to change how you look was food. ANd it did not take a lot, just more than she was used too. Her cheeks filled out and her clothes were less baggy. She did not look like she was about to die. She was not the girl people were looking for. She wasn't the picture of a runaway anymore. 

The bell on the door rang and Erika's eyes raised to the noise. A family was coming in. She stood up straight by the register and watched as the mother herded two kids to the bathroom and the father picked out some snacks. 

Erika looked back at the newspaper she had been reading. Someone was stealing cattle. A cow just turned up on someone's house. It was amusing, to say the least. There had been instructions left to get the cow down, but they had all been encoded. The key to the code had been something related to when the cattle were stolen. The guy had been caught. Some genius who was never smart enough to leave this small town and finally cracked. 

This place might not have been good for him, but it was perfect for Erika. 

She doubted she could stay here until she turned eighteen. But she could definitely get her bearings, get a proper plan. Then leave and wait out the time until she was eighteen. If she was still alive, she could then enroll in adult classes, finish up high school, go to university. Live a quiet, unexceptional life. No one would be any wiser.

"Do you have cheese curds?" the man asked.

"Yup," Erika said. She leaned over the counter, pointing tot hem. She was still too short to reach them without crawling up onto the counter. But she was quite sure she was growing. It seemed it was another side effect of proper nutrition. 

He picked them up and added them to the pile of things on the counter. 

She started to scan them.

"You look familiar," he said.

She shrugged. "One of those faces, I guess." 

His wife and kids came out from the bathrooms as told him the total. He gave her a twenty. She placed it down flat on the counter before calculating the change. Grabbing it and quickly shoving it into the machine was the best way to get caught up all day recounting the register when people wanted to claim they gave you a fifty. It was a bit slower, but no one else was around and it saved her a headache.

She gave them the change and they left.

It was another hour until someone else came through. It was just a singular man.

He stared at her when their eyes met.

Erika knew instantly that she was done for. 

* * *

Idina was watching the news. All of a sudden, the broadcast switched form sports.

"Breaking news!" the announcer said. "In the case of the missing girl, Erika Rivera-"

Idina sat up straight, clutching a pillow to her stomach.

"-our sources say the girl was spotted in a small town in Vermont. A family of four was travelling and they noticed their cashier at a local depanneur was very similar tot he missing girl. However, by the time authorities showed up to confirm, the girl was nowhere to found. Police say there were signs of a struggle in the store, however, there is still no news on what happened. Authorities are looking through security camera footage as we speak. Anyone with information is urged to come forwards."

Idina was still. She could barely breathe.

Then her phone started ringing. 


	9. Chapter 9

Idina picked up the phone. The number was unknown. For a second, her heart stopped.

"Hello," she said tentatively.

"Mrs. Menzel," a robot voice said, "by now you know that Erika Rivera is gone."

"What do you want?" she hissed into the receiver.

But it was a recorded message. It kept talking. "I have her. She is well. She will remain well as long as you follow my instructions. Do not call the police, do not alert anyone. Do not do anything that may seem out of the ordinary, or you will find a corpse. I will contact you with further instructions." _Click_. The line went dead.

The phone slowly slipped from Idina's hand. It landed on the hardwood floor with a thud. She blinked, the world going soft and tone ringing in her ears. It was as if someone had just hit her in the face with a pillow without context, hard enough that she could not tell if it was miscalculated mistake or an act of aggression; she was waiting with bated breath for someone to yell "pillow fight" and break the silence. No one yelled for a pillow fight.

She was alone in her apartment.

There was a knock on the door.

Idina blinked, suddenly pulled from her stupor. She inched her way towards the door. The whole world seemed anew, dangerous. 

She opened the door. No one was there. Idina looked out down the hallway. No one was in sight. Then she looked down.

At her feet, there was a small package. Idina picked dit up and brought it back inside.

She sat down at the kitchen island and opened it. 

There was nothing but an envelope inside the box. Idina turned it around and opened the letter. There was nothing on but an address in Vermont.

* * *

Idina had somehow made it to the address without anyone finding out. She'd considered bringing her phone but soon realized someone could track her with it and left it at the apartment. She suddenly wished she'd brought it.

It was an abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere. 

Her heart was pounding as she stepped out of the car. She had as much cash she could get a hold of without arousing suspicion. There was a promise for more. 

Idina looked around. Nothing was anywhere, just a large wooden shack in the middle of a forest. Thick colourful foliage provided the perfect cover for nefarious deeds.

Idina took a breath as she walked up to the door. She knocked, but it squeaked open. She walked inside. 

It used to be a house. It was obvious from the layout.

"Hello?" Idina called. "I have the money, but I can get more."

There was no reply. 

"I'll leave it on the counter..." There was still no reply. "Erika?"

Nothing.

She could hear nothing but her heart in her throat. This was a bad idea. She should have told the authorities. They knew how to deal with hostages. 

but would they? The message said Erika would be killed if she did. How would they prevent that when they had no idea where she was?

There was a sudden noise. Idina jumped, then started towards it. 

She stalked through the house, light on her feet, opening up doors as she came to them. So for, none of them bore any fruit.

She got to the last door in the hallway and when she opened it she gasped.

"Erika," she exclaimed, rushing over to the girl who was asleep on a palette.

"Erika," she gasped, shaking her gently. "Wake up."

"Mmhm," Erika moaned, turning around. She wiped her eyes and yawned. "Idina?" 

"Yes, yes," she said, pulling the teen in for a hug. "Are you alright, are you hurt?" She looked Erika up and down and sighed in relief. Besides being tired, she seemed fine.

Erika shook her head. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for you. Come one." Idina took her hand and stood up. "We are getting out of here."

They snuck out of the room. Idina lead, slowly, with her hand fastened like a vice around Erika's wrist. She was not letting her go this time. The money was burning a hole in her bag, but she ignored it.

They made it out to the car without and issue. Strange. 

Idina was relieved yet she could not shake the feeling that something nefarious was lurking beneath the surface. Someone wanted her to find Erika here. It was not an accident.

It did not matter. Idina had won, for now at least. She would deal with what would come when it comes. 

Erika was silent as she slipped into the passenger seat. She was still tired, but fine.

They drove in silence until Idina felt as if they were far enough away. The sun was setting.

"Are you okay?" she asked again after pulling into a gas station.

Erika nodded. "I'm fine." She seemed a bit off, but Idina couldn't place a finger on it.

Erika did not keep eye contact, staring lazily down at the dashboard. 

Her stomach growled.

"Hungry?" Idina asked.

Erika nodded. 

"When was the last time you ate?'

"A while ago."

Okay. Idina pulled into a drive-through. She was about to ask Erika what she wanted, but then noticed the look on her face as she read the menu.

Then she did so anyway.

Erika quickly said what seemed to be the cheapest thing on the menu. 

"No," Idina said. "You need a proper meal."

"I'll be fine."

Idina was starting to hate that word. "Fine." She hated it. None of this was fine. No one was fine after being kidnapped, no one was fine with the smallest thing on the menu when they haven't eaten in over a day.

She ordered Erika two chicken wraps instead.

"What type of pop do you want?"

Erika shrugged.

Idina rolled her eyes and ordered a medium soft drink, "surprise me" and a side of onion rings. 

"Thank you," Erika said softly when Idina passed her the large brown bag. Her stomach growled in agreement.

She unwrapped the wraps slowly as Idina pulled back onto the highway. Erika was trying to be as silent as possible. Somehow it made the whole ride louder.

"Um, you could just let me off here," Erika said.

"What?'

"If you're going to take me back to the home, I'm going to run away again," she said with more confidence. "So you could save us both the trouble."

"I'm not taking you back to a home," Idina explained. "I'm taking you back to my place."

"And then eventually back to a group home. Seriously, we can skip all the messy stuff."

"No," Idina said.

"You're just prolonging the inevitable."

"No," Idina reiterated. She did not know what else to say. She only knew that whatever Erika was used to was not going to happen. "I am not."

"Everyone says that."

"Well, I'm making a promise then. I promise you that won't happen."

"You're divorced," she jabs. 

Idina's blood pressure spiked and she gripped the steering wheel tighter, her eyes fixated on the road. "Maybe if you were a bit nicer people would like you more," she snapped back. And she instantly regretted it. If she could eat the air she would.

"Already tried that," Erika said, in the same defiant tone. "Turns out it just delays the inevitable. Gets emotions involved. You tell yourself 'this place will be different, I'll be good' and then you're good and it seems like it will be different. But eventually, maybe after a year, maybe after a few months, something happens and they send you back and they want you to know that it's not you and that they love you and that you're a lovely kid but they're not right. Not right for you. They can't take care of you and they were wrong and they're so sorry and this was the wrong time for them and it's all their fault. But the truth is you're too old or it's not the perfect seamless family they wanted, or maybe the money's going to go away if they adopt you. It doesn't matter, it always ends the same. 

"After a while, you learn that it's easier to expect that they will send you away. Because everyone does. And then you realize that this will end just like that last one, it's just a question of when. And then you realize that the nicer it seems, the quicker it will end. And that it's for the best."

"I'm not sending you back." Idina did not know what else to say. 

"Everyone says that."

"Well, I mean it."

"Everyone says that too."

They sat there in silence until Idina finally broke it.

"Running away isn't going to solve your problems."

"It might if you don't send a man-hunt after me," Erika retorted.

"You need an education."

"Not really. And besides, maybe I was going to take night classes, you don't know."

Idina was fixated on the road, but she could practically hear Erika's crossed arms. She was not going to win this argument. Then she pulled over.

She turned to Erika who did have crossed arms and was stubbornly staring straight in front of her. 

"I know you don't believe me, but I want to make this work," she said. She reached out to rubbed her shoulder, hoping it would seem comforting or reassuring, or both. She noticed that Erika seemed to relax a bit, but she still stubbornly stared ahead of her. "I all I ask is that you give me a chance."

Erika shook her head. "That's how I get hurt," she said. "Someone needs to be looking out for me, and since no one else is doing it, I will."

"Let me take care of you," Idina said. "It doesn't have to be you against the world anymore."

"Anymore," she echoed, "but only until you realize you've made a mistake."

"You're not a mistake."

"I'm pretty sure there's a long line of guardians who'd beg to differ, not to mention the people who gave me up." She was holding back tears with her clenched jaw and rigid figure. 

Idina sighed inwardly. This was going to be an uphill battle. But she was going to fight it tooth and nail until it crushed her. And even then, she would continue. 

"I don't think you're a mistake." _You saved my son._ But saying that sounded empty.

Erika still ignored her, but a tear trickled down her cheek. Idina brushed it away. Then she removed her seatbelt and crawled closer, kissing the girl on her temple. She wrapped Erika in a hug and pretended she did not notice the tears that fell onto her arms. 

Idina was going to make this work. Erika did not have to believe in her. She just had to let Idina try.


	10. Chapter 10

Idina drove to a hospital, just to make sure. Then, she did the responsible thing and called the authorities.

It was early in the morning, the sun had yet to rise. Erika was given her own bed in a private room. She was fine, except for the fact that whoever had abducted her had drugged her. They had not used a large amount, but that would explain why she'd been a bit off and a bit loose-tongued earlier. 

The police had questioned her, then scolded her. but they had to admit that nothing had gone wrong, yet. 

They were currently questioning Erika. Idina was standing outside listening in. Erika was alright, she reassured herself over and over again. no one had hurt her. She was alright. Angry, but alright.

She had a ten-year-old. She could deal with an angry child.

_But what about an angry teenager? A teenager who's never been loved by a mother?_

It was all over. For now. 

A nurse told her they would keep Erika overnight for observation and a social worker brought her paperwork to sign. Eventually, she was led to a waiting room, where she balled her coat into a pillow and slept.

* * *

Idina awoke with a start.

"Idina?"

"Aaron!" Idina shot up, knowing the voice. Arms around her pulled her close.

"Shhh," Aaron said, stroking her hair. 

She looked around, getting her brings. She was in Aaron's arms. But the walls were baby blue. And there were chairs everywhere. She was in the same hospital wait room she had fallen asleep in.

"Hey there, sleepyhead," he said as she calmed down.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. "How, when? How long have I been asleep."

He kissed her temple. "All day," he said witch a chuckle.

"Where's Walker. Is he with Taye, what's going on?"

"Okay, calm down. Everything is fine."

"Nothing good follows 'everything is fine,'" Idina said.

"Erika is ready to be released, Walker's been reading to her, and I'm here. I think that's as good as 'everything is fine' can get."

Idina sighed, sinking into her husband's eyes. She rubbed her eyes. "I need coffee," she muttered. 

"Already on that." Aaron handed her a styrofoam cup.

"Thank you," she said.

"We got a call early in the morning and got a plane. Five hours on a flight," he continued, answering all her questions. "We've barely been here an hour. When it comes to the foster forms, I think you have to give me some guardian power or whatever since you've been to all the classes. That is, if you want me to sign them."

"I-uh," Idina wasn't sure. "Are you alright with this?"

"Do I have a choice.?"

Idina chuckled nervously. "No." She adjusted her self so that she was looking into his eyes. "I love you."

He kissed her in reply. Idina closed her eyes and pulled him closer. She flicked her tongue across his teeth, coaxing his mouth open. His hand tightened around her, one of them finding the asking on her back, sending shivers down her spine as they kissed.

She pulled away. They were both blushing and smiling.

"Thank you," she said. "For putting up with this and just... for everything."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't thank me yet."

They got up and walked over to Erika's room. She was sitting up on top of the sheets, legs akimbo, in hospital scrubs. Walker was sitting on the edge of the bed, a copy of _The Illustrated Philosopher's Stone_ in his small hands. 

Erika had an IV in her arm, but other than her unkempt hair she looked well. She had one arm around Walker and was looking over his shoulder as he asked for help on a long word. They were talking quietly as not disturb anyone else.

Idina smiled.

Aaron put an arm around her waist and she leaned on his shoulder.

"It's a nice site," Aaron said.

"Yeah," agreed Idina. She knew deep down it wasn't going to stay, but she was determined to commit it to memory before it shattered.

Walker noticed her first. "Mommy!" he exclaimed, quickly ditching the book and running up to her, jumping into her arms with the biggest bear hug his ten yea old frame could give.

Idina hugged him back, kissing his brow and telling him how much she loved him. Then her eyes wandered back to Erika, who was promptly pending like her fingernail was the most interesting thing in the world.

"Hey Walker," Aaron said, "do you want to go get some food?"

Walker nodded and Idina handed him to her husband. They went off in the direction of the cafeteria.

Idina knocked on the door frame. Erika looked up, dismissing her with a pacing glance, then going back to her nail.

Idina walked into the room and sat on the foot of the bed. She inched closer until she was sitting near where Walker had been only minutes ago.

"He's only alive because of you," she said trying to break the silence.

"He's cute," she replied apathetically, not meeting Idina's eyes.

"I'm sorry for what I said last night."

Erika shrugged.

Idina inched closer, picking up the massive book. "Harry Potter?"

No response.

"I remember when these books came out," she said with a chuckle. "I was too old for them. Little did I know they'd come back to bite me." She talked on, aimlessly. Erika made no attempts to stop her. "...Do you have a favourite book?"

Erika shook her head.

Idina bit her lip to stop from bursting out in victory. She got an acknowledgement! She just managed to do an awkward smirk instead. 

"What about movie?" No. "TV show?" No. "Fairy tale?"

"Stories are stupid."

"Ha," Idina said, almost too loudly. "You spoke. I win."

Erika rolled her eyes, going back to her nail.

"Let me see," Idina said, taking her hand. "Yes," she said exaggeratedly, "it's a very nice nail. You shouldn't tear it it as you do." She had no idea what she was doing, but it was better than doing nothing.

Erika did not jerk her hand away. Idina took it as another small victory.

"You know, you can leave now as long as I sign you out," Idina began. "Should I sign you out, or are you still a flight risk?"

Erika just shrugged again. "Do whatever you want," she said. 

"Great, then I am getting a nurse and you are coming home with me." Idina desired the urge to fist pump as she turned to leave. She was winning. This was going to work.


	11. Chapter 11

Aaron drove them back to the apartment. They were making plans to get an airplane back to LA later in the week. Idina wasn't sure how they would all fit, but she was sure they would make it work.

She sat in the back seat with Erika, while Walker, elated to be sitting shotgun, talked for the entire ride.

Erika's arm was resting on the armrest, her chin in her palm as she stared out the window. Idina took the time to study her. Her cheeks were a bit more full, and she was pretty sure the girl had grown a bit since they'd last met. She certainly looked older. Idina assumed she had been eating well for those two months. She had a job after all, and Erika did not seem like she would have stuck around if she was being treated poorly once she became a runaway. 

Was there room enough for the four of them in the flat? Idina was unsure. It did not matter though. She would end her lease this month and they would go back to LA. There was enough room for everyone in her house in LA.

Erika would need clothes, and a proper bed, she realized. They could give her a guest room temporarily, but the girl should have her own space. And not a closet where the door could barely open. 

Idina shivered. That room was a fire hazard.

She wondered what Erika liked. What colours, clothing styles. They would have to go shopping. That would be interesting. She already knew what high school she would enroll Erika in because she's thought about those things constantly. What she hadn't realized was how much nothing Erika would have and how much something Idina would have to come up with.

When the got back to the apartment, Walker beelined to the TV. Aaron walked in behind him, looking around in approval. Erika only entered after Idin prompted her to, and she stuck by the door, her hand nervously digging into her elbow behind her back.

Walker then noticed that Erika was still standing by the door, and he pulled her towards the TV ready to show her his favourite shows. 

Aaron shrugged when Idina looked at him, questioning. Walker knew what was going on. They'd made sure of it. Idina should be relieved that he was taking it so well, but she was worried that something might be lost on him, or that he might be smothering Erika. 

Erika did not protest. She was wearing the same faded jeans and pink tee-shirt that Idina had found her in, though they had been washed. She still had Idina's jacket around her shoulders. She sat on the couch with her knees pulled to her chest and arms wrapped tightly around her legs. 

Idina pointed Aaron in the direction of the bedroom and helped him unpack the few things he had brought including toothbrushes.

Erika would need a toothbrush.

She had not thought this through. 

"It'll be fine," Aaron said, sensing her nervousness. "I talked to her while you were asleep. She seems pretty level headed at least. And Walker likes her."

"Walker likes anyone who gives him the time of day and doesn't try to take a picture of me."

Aaron chuckled. "True, he's a bit of diva, just like his mom."

Idina rolled her eyes. "What do you think of Erika, honestly?"

"Honestly, she's been through more than either of can understand. I think she's deliberately giving you a hard time because she's scared. And I don't think it's going to magically go away. And I'm ready to be collateral damage, but I also think she's smart enough to leave Walker out of it. But I only met her a few hours ago," he said. 

Idina nodded. "We have to go shopping. I just realized she doesn't have a toothbrush. Or pyjamas. Or a change of clothes. I guess I imagined I would not be saving her from kidnapping and she would theoretically have a few things."

Aaron hugged her. "I could go out if you want, just give me a list."

Idina shook her head. "I think that's something we need to do together. My mom went shopping with me all the time, even when I did not want her too," she chuckled. 

"Are you sure," Aaron questioned. "Do you want me to come with you or-"

"Then who would look after Walker?"

"Right," he sighed. "Just, be careful."

Idina nodded. "I will." She figured she had a better idea of the danger of going out with Erika. As in, she had a better idea of how unknown it will be. Erika could stay placid, as she was now, or draw a crowd with an outburst. There were so many variables. 

Idina would be walking through a minefield. And she would walk through a literal minefield if it meant keeping Walker and Erika safe. She may only be Erika's foster mother, but she planned don legally adopting Erika as soon as she was allowed too. If that did not make a point, she had no idea what would. She just had to hold out until then.


	12. Chapter 12

Erika watched Idina. Whether she was a hawk watching its prey, or the prey watching the hawk, she as not sure. But Erika watched the star as she dressed her in some of her own clothes, trying to make her 'blend in' so that they could both go outside without mobs of people following them.

Erika was not excited to leave. The thought made her gut churn. Was it safe for her to go out? She wasn't keen on people following them. Hadn't paparazzi been linked to the deaths of people before? But Idina seemed to think it was okay.

That wasn't necessarily a settling thought. If it weren't for the celebrity, she never would have had to leave Ruth and Jason, she never would have been kidnapped. She would also still be with Ruth and Jason, probably sleeping hungry. Erika did not know which was worse. She decided then, that she would rather still be with her former foster parents. 

Because it was safer, easier, she told herself. She would not be tempted by Idina. Everyone let her down and Idina was going to be the next in a long line of people who thought they wanted her. What they really wanted was a perfect family. Originally, Erika had lied. She pretended to be the perfect daughter. Pretended like no chore was too awful, she was never tired, no request was bad. She pretended like she wasn't terrified they'd never come back every time they left her alone once she started to care. 

She had given up pretending. Eventually, the cracks would show, something would happen, and the perfect family would shatter. No one wanted to deal with abandonment issues or temper issues or anything that was difficult. Everyone thought they could, though, until they had too. Then they ran away.

Idina would be the same.

She was pretty goods at pretending like she wouldn't though. And Erika believed she genuinely kind.

It made Erika's job even harder: Don't get attached.

She repeated that to herself as they made their way down to the _Macee's_ shopping center. Keep your eyes on the prize: necessities. If Idina was willing to buy her necessities, there was nothing wrong with that. At least then when Erika was eventually sent away, she would have something.

* * *

Idina was shocked that her plan was working. So far, no one had recognized them.

Erika was quiet, but she did not make a fuss as she followed Idina through the maze of the mall. She offered no input when presented with toothbrush colours or deodorant brands. She probably did not know the difference, Idina realized. If Erika was buying this stuff herself, she was going for the cheapest, if she wasn't, she would take whatever she got without complaint. So Idina just picked out her favourites and hoped that Erika would like them.

Clothes were more challenging. Erika made no effort to pick out anything. At first, it frustrated her. But then she watched Erika as she looked around overwhelmed. She was pushing too many options onto the girl. She had no idea what she wanted. She did not care what she got.

"Erika," Idina said, pulling the girl out of her trance.

She looked up with a blank expression.

Idina walked over. "Let's just try some stuff on, you never know."

Erika just shrugged. "I really don't care as long as it fits."

Idina's heart sunk. Those were the words of someone who never had the choice. "Come one," she said. She took a few short of the rack. "At least for sizing."

"Smalls fit fine," Erika said.

"Well, you need clothes, period."

Erika did not argue. She just lowered her gaze.

Idina caved. "Or I could just pick some things out and we can leave." She hoped that it would make Erika choose something she liked. Her mom had pulled that on her when she was stubborn. Pick something yourself or I will pick it all out. But when her mom had said it, it had been a threat. Idina did not mean it as a threat. She would not carry it through as a threat either. 

She had some ideas of a few shirts that would look good on Erika. She wasn't sure about the size, but "small" would work for now. Pants would be a bit more complicated, but she could find something slightly big and buy a belt. Erika was smaller than her. 

She grabbed a few things from their cart. Some short-sleeved, some long-sleeved, and all in different colours. At least this way Erika would have some choice. Maybe she could figure out what she liked.

They went to the counter with the clothes, undergarments, toiletries, and other necessities. Idina noticed quickly that Erika was watching the price monitor, counting every time the price rose, calculating. Calculating what?

What it might cost her later on.

Once everything was packed into bags, Erika looked meek. Like she was ashamed that Idina had to spend all this money on her. She was quick to pick up the bags, all of them, but Idina gently wrestled a few from her and carried them to the car. They left in the trunk.

"Want to get something to eat?" It was nearing supper. She wasn't sure what was in the apartment or if Aaron would have something started when she got back. She assumed she could call, but she wanted more one on one time with Erika and this seemed like a great excuse.

She took Erika's hand. "Let's go find the food court," she said with a smile. Erika was quiet and stiff, just as she'd been the whole trip, but she did not protest.

They got hotdogs and sat down in a booth in a corner, both on the same side, facing a wall to limit the number of people who might see their faces. Idina also got a helping of fries and two small colas.

Erika was still quiet while eating. Idina wished she knew what to say to break it. She always knew what to say to Walker. She'd known Walker his entire life. Somehow, she thought those instincts would just show up with Erika. If they were going to, now would be a good time.

"Do you have any questions," she asked, not knowing what else to say. "About living in LA or anything else."

Erika shook her head. 

"What about your friends, do you have anyone you want to meet up with before we leave or..." she trailed off, unsure how to say that she knew Arwen.

"No," Erika said much to Idina's surprise.

"Really, not even Arwen?"

"How-"

"Sorry, she uh," how did she say this? "She contacted me when you went missing. That's how we knew to look update."

"Oh, well, we're not friends now then," she said, crossing her arms and leaning back against the booth. 

Idina wanted to hug her and not let go her walls fell down. They were so close, yet she felt miles away. Erika did not want to get hurt. Idina did not want Erika to get hurt. She just had no idea how to convince the girl that she would protect her. From everything. She would be Erika's shield if Erika would let her.

But she also knew that in order to that Erika would have to give up her own shield. And Erika clung to it like it was the difference between life and death. It probably was for her.

They would have to get used to each other.


	13. Chapter 13

They made it back to the apartment without anyone noticing. Aaron had ordered take out and it had arrived mere minutes before them, still warm.

The four of them sat on the island in silence. 

Idina had stashed the items from the shopping spree in an empty closet.

There was so much that needed to be done, needed to be said, yet she had no idea how to say them. It was weird how Erika was suddenly the thing that scared her the most. Not because she was worried about what the girl would do to her, it was because she was worried about what she would do to the girl. Was Erika really better off with her?

_Yes, yes she was,_ Idina told herself. There was nowhere else better to be. Idina could take care of her. And Idina would.

She smiled at Walker, who was elated with his Happy Meal.

Erika was quiet. Everything she did was quiet. If you weren't paying attention to her, she could slip away without anyone realizing it.

After they finished, Idina put Walker to sleep in the bedroom. The couch in the living pulled out into a double bed. She figured Aaron and Walker could share and that she and Erika would take the pull out.

She sang a few song sot Walker, and for once he did not protest. He missed her and asked for more stories, more songs, more anything to keep her around. Eventually, she told him he had to sleep, and she promised she'd be there in the morning when he works up.

Aaron stopped her when she closed the door.

"What do we do now?" he asked in a whisper.

"I don't know," she admitted looking down. "I didn't think this all the way through."

"To be fair," he said, "neither of us expected this."

"We need to get back to LA," she said. The plan was for LA. In LA, things were supposed to work. Here, it was random, uncontrolled.

He nodded in agreement. "We can get on a flight tomorrow," he said,

"That's a good idea." She hugged him and smiled. "How's Erika?"

"She seems fine," Aaron said. "I mean, I just met her this morning"

"Right," Idina said. "If this had worked the way I planned it-"

"I know," he said, "but it didn't and now we're here and all we can do is move forwards."

"I love you," she said, squeezing him. He did the same and they smiled. "Walker's not as sleep yet so just ignore him until he falls asleep."

"I know," he said as he turned them so that his back was now to the door. "Be careful Idina. I know you. Just, be careful."

"I know," she repeated. She did. "Maybe the three of us should watch TV or something," she muttered. She wasn't sure she wanted to be alone with Erika yet.

Erika wasn't going to direct anything towards Walker, she knew that. Idina could tell Erika wasn't that mean. But without him and Aaron around, Idina could be a sitting duck. 

"If that's what you want."

"I want the four of us to be a family," she said. "That includes you."

"Okay," he said.

They walked back out to the living room, holding hands. Erika was sitting on the couch, looking at nothing.

"Mind if we sit?" Idina asked.

"No," she said.

Aaron sat on the far end, leaving Idina to take the middle seat.

Idina picked the remote up form the coffee table and turned the tv on. She turned the volume down to that Walker would not hear it and come out. She started flipping through the channels. She had no idea what was serviced out here anymore. She'd watched nothing but the news since she's started this whole thing. 

"Is there something you'd like to watch?" Aaron asked.

"No," Erika replied.

"Well, what type of show do you like?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"You've got to like something," he pressed. "Crime, fantasy, adventure?"

"I don't know." She sounded ashamed.

"Well, we'll have to fix that," Aaron said.

_Thank you,_ Idina mouthed. She loved him.

They watched some talk shows until it was late. Erika said nothing.

Aaron went into the bedroom. There was an ensuite bathroom that he had his stuff in. He came out a few seconds later with pyjamas for Idina. She gave him a sift goodnight kiss.

Idina helped Erika pull out and make the bed, then when to change in the bathroom. 

When she came out, Erika was nowhere in sight. The balcony door was open.

Idina swore under her breath. _Seriously?_

She rushed to the door and smashed her shin against the bedframe. Pain shot through her calf. She pressed her hand against her mouth to stop from crying out. She hobbled over to the door all the same.

"Oh," she said before she could stop herself. 

Erika was standing by the balcony, looking over the city. She looked over her shoulder at Idina but did not say anything. 

Idina straightened and walked over. She turned her back to the railing and leaned against it. "Nice out?"

"Yeah," Erika agreed.

"How do you feel about moving to LA?"

She shrugged. 

"You're not going to miss it here?"

"There's nothing to miss," Erika said.

"You sure?"

"I already left once," she said. 

"Right," Idina said. She looked down. "No friends, nothing?"

"I don't know what Arwen said, but we're not as close as she implied."

"You sure? You know, they say you don't really know what you have until it's gone."

"Then I guess I've never had anything."

"That's not true."

"I guess your right," she said. Idina perked up. "When I was five I was got pretty upset when the family I was with for two years sent me back. I can't say I miss them anymore though." She snorts. "Or even then really, I was just upset."

Idina sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Idina sidestepped closer, turning to face the streets. They stood there in silence while a chilly wind blew up from below. Erika wasn't one for conversation.

"We should get some sleep," Idina finally said. "The bags are in the closet so you can grab some stuff from there."

"Okay," Erika said. She turned and walked back inside.

Idina followed her. Maybe things would be different in LA. New York was the place where no one had cared for her, but LA, La was where she would get a family.


	14. Chapter 14

Idina crawled under the covers and pulled out her phone. She began to skim the ebook she'd been in the middle of. She could hear the faint sound of the shower from the bathroom. This apartment had pretty good soundproofing. 

Erika came out barely a half-hour later, hair damp and wearing a new nightgown. Idina tried to hide the fact that it had been her favourite of the bunch that she'd picked out.

Erik crawled onto the other side of the bed and laid down with her back to Idina.

"I guess you don't want a bedtime story, right?" Idina said.

Erika did not respond.

"How's your arm?"

"Hm?" she asked, turning over.

Idina reached for her arm. "The burn," she explained, examining the skin on the forearm.

"It healed. I told you it looked bad but was no big deal."

"I will be the judge of that," Idina said. She was going to be the judge of a lot of things from now on.

Idina turned on a second lamp. If you did not know what you were looking for, you probably would not have noticed anything wrong with Erika's arm. There was only a slight discolouration in the area where the burn had been only four months ago. Idina saw no reason why it would not continue to fade with time.

She traced the outline with her index finger. Had they really only met four months ago? It seemed like an eternity had passed. Probably because it had been consuming her every waking thought and all of a sudden it was over.

Well, kind of.

She dropped Erika's arm. The girl was quick to pull in back to her stomach. She turned to lay on her back. 

Idina turned off the light and they both drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Idina woke early. She got up and looked around. There was a note from Aaron on the kitchen counter. He'd gone to book them a flight back to LA and pick up some suitcases for Erika. He apologized for leaving her with the cooking.

 _No matter,_ Idina thought. She could use the practice.

It was a quarter to seven. Walker would be up soon. She looked over at Erika, who was sound asleep. For once, the girl did not seem to have some sort of smirk or scowl on her face. She looked positively peaceful.

Erika stirred.

Idina looked in the fridge. There wasn't much. There were ingredients for some egg breakfast she'd read about in a magazine and had, on a whim, bought all the things necessary to make. She did not pride herself on cooking, but there was not much else. She had not planned for the company. And fast food day in and out was a bad example to be setting.

Erika stirred again. Idina looked over her shoulder and the girl was rubbing her eyes. 

"Goodmorning," Idina said with a smile as Erika sat up and looked around.

"Goodmorning," she replied.

Idina walked back over to the bed and sat down.

"Sleep well?"

Erika nodded.

Idina smiled. "Good."

The bedroom door creaked open and Walker ran out with a shrill cry of "Mommy!" and leaped into Idina's arms, knocked in her over.

"Woah there," she said through giggles, tickling him.

They both sat up.

"Where's Aaron?" he asked.

"He's out getting some stuff and plane tickets," Idina told him. 

Walker turns to Erika. "Have you ever been on an airplane?"

"Yes," Erika said, much to Idina's surprise.

"Have you ever been to LA?" the boy asked.

"No."

"I'm hungry," he said, turning back to his mother. 

"I'm working on it," she said. "Why don't you go get changed?" she suggested. 

He nodded and scurried off into his room.

"You can change in the bathroom if you'd like," she told Erika.

"Okay," the girl said. 

They both sat there for a minute, each watching the wall opposite them. Erika broke the silence by getting up and walking over to the closet. She began to dig through the unorganized bags. Idina walked over.

"Want some help?"

"No." It was not cold, just matter-of-fact. 

"Okay." But she did not leave. "Try these," she pulled out some jeans and a shirt. "If the jeans are too large, there's a belt somewhere."

"Okay," Erika said. "Thanks." She took the clothes from Idina and the undergarments she already had in hand and headed to the bathroom.

Idina walked over to the bedroom. "Everything alright?" she asked Walker.

"Yep!" came his upbeat voice. 

She wondered if she should talk to him. They had talked, of course, but not fully. Walker seemed okay with Erika, but she was not sure he fully understood everything that was going on. All he saw was a new older sister. Maybe it wasn't so bad. If Erika warmed up to Walker, she could warm up to Idina. 

Erika came out of the bathroom. The jeans were a bit big, but they did not sag. She had the belt on anyways. The shirt Idina had grabbed was an off white laced shirt with bell sleeves. It looked good on Erika. 

"You look nice," she said softly, but Erika did not hear her. 

"What happened to your leg?" Erika asked.

Idina looked down. _Shit_. Her shin was bruising and quite visible with her short capris. 

"I banged it on the bed frame," Idina said as she took the ingredients out of the fridge. 

Erika sat down on the stool by the island while she set some water to boil. She started chopping up the parsley. Idina was not entirely sure what order to do everything in, but she was going to go with it. With Erika looking at her, she wanted to appear competent. She did not want to be outcooked by a teenager anymore. It seemed like a failing on her part if she could not make Erika a homecooked meal. 

She knew this feeling before. It was the one she felt after Walker was born. That she would never be able to do it, never be enough. Not have enough to give. But she'd managed then, and she'll manage now. And she'd learn to cook. 

Walker came out dressed smartly in a blue blazer. It melted her heart. He took a seat beside Erika as Idina put the eggs into the microwave.

"You shouldn't do that," Erika said.

"What?"

"The eggs don't go in the microwave."

"I know what I'm doing."

"Alright then," she said. Idina could practically hear her eye roll.

"Why not?" Walker asked. 

_Boom!_

Everyone shrieked. There was another loud pop followed by a crash.

Idina threw herself to the island, trying to protect her children from whatever the noise was from across the table.

The noise stopped and she looked up.

Erika was smirking behind her arms raised protected in front of her face, but it quickly fell. "That's why," she said to Walker. "Eggs explode."

"Cool!" the boy exclaimed.

"Not cool," Idina said, looking over to the microwave. 

"It's very cool," Erika whispered to Walker, loud enough for Idina to hear.

Eggs were everywhere. The explosion had blown the door open, splattering scrambled eggs and shells everywhere. 

That went well. She bit her lip. What was she going to do now?

She heard the familiar noise of keys in the door. 

Great, now Aaron was here.

Aaron walked in, pulling two suitcases behind him.

"What happened here?" he asked, looking between Idina and the two kids.

"Mom blew up some eggs," Walker said. The tattletale!

"Did you microwave them?" he asked, looking at the microwave. Hopefully she had not destroyed it. 

"Yes," she said sheepishly.

"What are the suitcases for?" Walker asked.

"They're for Erika," he said, flashing her a smile. She looked solemnly at her toes. "Since Idina went a bit crazy shopping," he teased.

"There's egg on your back," her son said. 

Great, not she was the only one in her pyjamas, and she failed to make them breakfast. Idina was making a wonderful impression. She was sure she had Erika's complete confidence that she was a competent adult. 

"I'll help clean up," Erika said, walking over to the counter, grabbing a cloth, and starting to scoop up the eggs. 

"You don't-" Idina started.

"It's fine," she said. She turned the element off and started picking egg bits out of the parsley.

Idina went over to help her, but Aaron stopped her. "Change," he said.

Idina nodded. She wasn't very keen on hanging out in eggs.

She escaped into the bedroom, her cheeks starting to burn. This was not how she imagined their first day as a family. 

Idina changed quickly and came out to a nice sight. Erika, Aaron, and Walker were all cleaning the kitchen silently, working as a team. Idina walked over to the island and sat there, her cheeks still burning. She picked up some of the eggs that had managed to fly across the entire kitchen. 

Erika was soon busy over the elements. She quickly whipped up some scrambled eggs with the ones Idina had not blown up. She added a bunch of vegetables from the fridge and was soon serving everyone a steaming plate.

This was not how Idina had wanted it to go. Her gut agreed with her as Erika slipped a plate in front of her.

"Thank you," Idina said. 

"Yes thanks!" Walker said in between mouthfuls. 

"Ditto," Aaron agreed. "It's very good."

Erika stood opposed to them, eating her own plate.

Idina had to agree with her husband, it was good. Erika knew what she was doing at least. Maybe she should ask for help next time.

When everyone was finishing up, Idina was quick to grab all the plates and brought them to the dishwasher. She then looked the microwave over. It was still good. 

Aaron and Erika closed up the pullout bed and started packing Erika's things into the suitcases Aaron had bought. Walker watched TV. 

By ten o'clock, they had left the apartment to go to the airport. Idina had everything sorted out with the landlord. And now they were starting the new life she'd wanted. She smiled as they made it to the plane with minimal paparazzi interference. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously don't try to explode eggs in the microwave. Did it by mistake once and it was a huge mess.


	15. Chapter 15

Erika could not figure Idina out. It was bugging her. She showered Erika with gifts, even though there was nothing to gain. There had to be an angle, a ploy, something that Erika was missing. This was all for publicity like Lily had said. That was it, that's what she had been missing. This wasn't going to last. Nothing did.

It was almost worse, that they were nice to her. It made her feel bad that she was taking their things, eating their food, letting them spend all this money on her. If they were mean, she could rationalize using them for food and shelter as long as she could, but Idina, in particular, was just so nice.

Nice. That was all. Not good. Nice was an act.

One day the act would fall. 

If Erika played her cards right, she could get away with clothes that fit and maybe some hair ties. But she could not be sure. Since Idina had bought them for her, they weren't personal items. Nothing was hers unless she came to the home with it, and even them most guardians did not care. Unless it was something to social worker knew without a doubt belonged to you, they'd let the guardian keep it for simplicity. 

So Erika, despite desperately wanting too, could not get used to this. One day it will all disappear and she will have nothing and she will have to know how to live without. 

But if publicity was the goal, why had she bothered to try and cover Erika's face when the paparazzi had swarmed them at the airport? Everyone knew her face anyways, or at least the old picture of her that had been circulating the media. 

She watched Idina closely, trying to figure out the puzzle.

She could so easily go along with it, get everything she'd ever wanted. But for some reason, she did not want to pretend. And she did not want to risk getting attached. The boy was already too much. He'd latched on to her like a leech. She did not want to make him think she'd stay. Erika was many things, but she was not that cruel.

But that did not explain why she felt so guilty. When Idina gave her and Walker chocolate bars and chips after they'd been seated, or when she'd let Erika take the window seat even though she did not care. Or when Idina sat down beside her and offered to let her use her phone to read or play games to pass the time. 

Erika had declined, of course. 

But she felt guilty doing that too.

She'd never felt guilty for anything. When people gave her scraps, she accepted it without a fuss. Unless she knew there would be a hefty price. But she never felt guilty before. 

It had to be because they were acting so nice. They acted like they believed it would work, and since they were actors, they were making her believe it. And she felt guilty for playing along because she knew she was lying to them. But why should she care? All of this was a game, a lie, a trick. 

The plane started to take off, hurtling down the runway, shaking. 

Erika stiffened. She had been on a plane once before when she six. She had not liked it.

Until last night, she'd never had to think about ever being on one again. Now she was trapped in one, hurling towards the atmosphere. And Idina was beside her, her son and husband across the aisle.

She was going to die next to the one person in the world she wanted nothing to do with. 

She felt her chest begin to tighten. Airplanes were not supposed to fly. Has anyone really ever looked at them? There was no way they could fly safely. 

She felt the pressure hit her as the wheels left the ground. Erika closed her eyes and swallowed.

At least she would die with a full stomach and not under a bridge somewhere, starved or murdered. That was quite a step up. She would thank Idina in heaven, if such a place existed, and she was somehow deemed worthy enough to go. 

Something grabbed at her hand and she flinched away, then looking over to see Idina gazing at her with concerned eyes. 

"It's okay," she said in that soft tone. She took Erika's hand again and squeezed it.

Erika shook her head. It would not be okay. How did she know it would be okay? She nearly blew up the microwave this morning. And now she was telling Erika that she knew this plane would not be their death sentence? She had no idea what she was doing.

"It will be okay," Idina said again. "Airplanes are very safe."

That was a lie if she'd ever heard one. 

Idina pulled her to her chest, holding her tightly. She stocked her hair and whispered into her ear.

Erika was still breathing quickly. We'rent you supposed to stay sitting up during take-off and landing? If they crashed now she could get hurt because Idina was comforting her.

Idina was comforting her. She suddenly relaxed. 

Idina was comforting her.

There was something so strange about that sentence. Stange and calming and-

The planned dipped. Erika was not the only one to let out a gasp as her insides lurched upwards.

No, this was not safe.

Idina held her tighter, trying to soothe her shaking form. Erika felt gentle lips press against her hair. She wanted to cry.

She was not going to though, not in front of anyone, especially Idina. 

The plane dropped again and she let out an audibly cry.

"It's just turbulence," Idina said. "There's always a lot around here. Don't worry, it will be over soon."

Erika buried her face in her hands and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Focus on my voice."

She did as she was told.

Idina just spoke, nothing profound. She told her first that she travelled by plane a lot, and this was fine and normal. Then she started to talk about her tours, what it was like signing in front of millions of people. And when that was over she just started to make up stories. They were silly and nonsensical. Walker and Aaron chimed in from across the row. All the while, Idina did not stop stroking her hair or rubbing her back. Anything to take her mind off of how high they were. 

And after what seemed like an eternity, the rattling stopped and seatbelt sign grew dim with a small beep.

Erika felt her shoulders relax the smallest bit, but she did not move. She wanted too, but she didn't.

"It's over for now," Idina said. "It's just over," she reiterated quickly as if she was hoping that Erika had not heard the "for now".

Erika had. 

Idina gently moved one of her hands from her face and held it. 

"See, nothing bad happened."

Erika did not open her eyes. She was still shaking.

Slowly, Erika came back to the world. She felt so embarrassed. No else was panicking. No one else had buried their face in their hands like a five-year-old. 

Erika tried to sit up. "Sorry," she exclaimed as her elbow jabbed Idina.

"It's fine," Idina said, guiding her back up to a sitting position. "God, you're pale." She reached for Erika's face, pressing the backs of her finger to her cheek. "I didn't realize you were such a nervous flier," she rambled on, "I would have done something or..." she trailed off.

"it's fine," Erika said. "You didn't know."

"Hey, don't cry," the star said, wiping a tear from Erika's nose.

Erika had been crying? She wiped her own eye and stared at her fingers when they came back damp. 

"See, everything will be fine." Erika did not believe her, yet she nodded stiffly. "I promise," Idina said. 

She eased Erika back into a sitting position, only this time she took the girl's hand.

"I'm right here," the star said. "Nothing bad will happen while I'm here. And," she reached over Erika to the window, closing it, "you can close that and just pretend like your on the buss."

 _Busses are far safer than planes,_ she thought.

"On the bright side, you've made it past the hour mark."

"How many are left?" she stammered.

"Just over four."

Erika sat back in her seat, clutching Idna's hand. Just over four hours left. She tried, and failed, not to think about it.


	16. Chapter 16

Idina watched a trembling Erika chew on her fingernail. Why hadn't the girl said something? She'd told Walker she'd been on a plane before. Surely Erika knew she was afraid of flying. 

It broke her heart to see the child wide-eyed and place faced, staring straight ahead of her and yet at nothing at all. When had she started caring so much? It was probably back when she had saved Walker's life. Or when she'd seen the hideous burn, or maybe the scar. She'd cared by the time she'd found Erika drugged on the palette int he abandoned house. She just had not expected it to come this fast.

Why not? She knew she'd die for Walker she second she met him. That had been different, hadn't it? She carried Walker, felt him move, listened to his heartbeat. For nine months. 

Five months ago, she had no idea who Erika was. Now Erika was all she could think about.

The flight attendants came by with refreshments. She told Aaron Walker could have whatever he wanted. She'd been spoiling him, sure, but this was extenuating circumstances. Besides, she had to make up for not being there all those months. 

She knew by now Erika would not ask for anything. After buying some snacks for herself, and wishing she'd bought something healthier on the ground, she got Erika some ginger ale. Maybe it would help with her queasy stomach. She also got her charge an apple and a chocolate bar and some Doritos so she would have something other than her fingernails to chew on. 

Walker was content to watch TV on the screen and Aaron was zoning out, watching a movie. Her boys were alright. Now she had to focus on her girl, who's grip on her hand was getting tighter with ever small movement the plane made.

The plane hit more turbulence and the seat belt sign lit up with a ding. She looked over to make sure Walker was doing his up, but Aaron was already on it. 

She hadn't bothered to undo hers. 

She looked back at Erika. "I'm sorry," she told the girl, even though no had predicted this would happen. She was still the one who had forced her onto an airplane. 

Not forced, she corrected herself. She wasn't forcing Erika to do anything. The girl was strongwilled. If she did not want to stay with Idina, she would have run off. If she did not want to do something, she would not do it. Some part of her wanted to be here. 

Well, not here exactly. But with her. And that was good enough for now.

She rubbed Erika's palm, hoping that it was calming. The girl was sitting on pins and needles as the plan jerked violently. This was a bit more than a little turbulence.

"Attention all passengers," the captain's voice came from the speakers, "we are experiencing severe turbulence. Please remain calm and stay in your seats with your seatbelt buckled up."

"Hey, Erika," she said, trying to get the teen to look her. "It's going to be alright." But she wasn't so certain anymore. The plane was shaking much more than even she was used to.

"Look at me," she said, pulling her other hand down from her face, "it's going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine." She looked into Erika's brown eyes, hoping she was making it through the terror.

"Try to eat something, it might help take your mind off of..." she didn't say it just in case. 

She picked up the chip bag. Erika grabbed it cautiously. 

The cabin stopped shaking, but the seat belt light did not go off.

"How are you holding up?"

Erika shot her a look. Seriously? Not well.

At least she hadn't lost her spunk.

Idina did not know what else to say without sounding like a broken record. 

For the first time since take-off, Erika let go of Idina's hand. She opened the chip bag and offered some to Idina, who turned them down.

"I bought them for you," she said. If she'd wanted some, she would have gotten herself some. 

They sit in silence for the next few hours. The turbulence does not return and Erika slowly relaxes, eventually sitting legs akimbo and even leaning back into the seat. She's still tense and nervous, but the colour has returned to her face and she is no longer trembling. She never turned to screen on.

As she seemed calm now, Idina let her attention slide to other things. She played games on the screens with Walker and Aaron.

Erika opened up the window and starred out at the cloud below, seemingly fine now that the cabin wasn't shaking.

"Bored?" Idina asked around the three-hour mark.

Erika perked up, suddenly shocked as Idina's voice cut through the silence.

She just shrugged.

"Do you want something to pass the time?"

"I'm okay," Erika said with a meek smile.

"You sure?"

She nodded.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked. 

"Nothing," replied the girl. 

She'd finished all the snacks Idina had bought. It was past lunch by now. Walker had not started complaining about being hungry yet, probably because he was enthralled by the movie he was watching. They'd have to grab a bite when they landed though.

"You're holding up well."

No response.

This was infuriating. 

Erika probably had just as much of an idea of what to say as Idina did. Maybe less.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent. We will be landing in Los Angeles in just under an hour. The time there will be 12:34 when we land. Thank you for flying with us."

Idina felt weightless for a second, a telltale sign that the plane was dipping. It would be about twenty minutes until the seatbelt light went on unless they hit more turbulence.

She reached for Erika's hand, to make sure that she was okay. She figured her dream of Erika coming with her on tours like Walker and Aaron wasn't going to come to fruition, not that there had been much in favour of that, to begin with. 

But they were almost in LA, almost home. And once they were home everything would work out just the way she'd planned it. She could feel it in her bones. This morning had been a fluke. 


	17. Chapter 17

They landed in LA without an issue, but as they were exiting the airport they were met with paparazzi.

"Stay away!" Walker yelled almost immediately as the cameras began to flash.

"IDINA!" they shouted, trying to get her attention.

Idina pulled out the newspapers she kept in her bag and pulled Erika close, using the paper to block their faces form the mob. She grabbed Walker with her other free hand and did the same. This did not stop the men from coming up so close she could feel their breath. 

Aaron did his best to keep them away from her as she shepherded the children towards the parking lot.

"Leave Mommy alone!" Walker cried, trying a karate-chop wich Idina quickly stopped.

Why had Aaron parked so far away?

"Idina can you comment on..."

She tuned them out, kept her expression neutral. It was easier when she was on the phone. 

"Do you have your pictures?" she asked finally when they reached her car. Aaron unlocked the door and she ushered the children into the back and quickly closed it behind them. "We would like to leave, so please move out of the way." 

No one did as she asked as she went to the passenger's seat and Aaron went to the driver's. The paparazzi pounced when she opened the door, all of them trying to get a picture in the back. She elbowed one of them away.

"That's assault!" he cried. "You saw that she assaulted me. You can't touch me miss," he continued, ranting as she contemplated how to get in and close the door without them trying to get in with her.

"Get back from the car or I will call the police," she threatened. They knew she would do it.

"We're doing nothing illegal, miss," one of them said.

"Just our job, just our job," chimed in another.

"You can't legally block my car," she informed them, " so take a step back."

She pulled out her phone. A few of the smart ones took a step back, but the camera flashes increased a tenfold. 

Idina quickly slipped into the car. The tainted windows did little to stop the lights, however, she knew at least that they could not get pictures of Erika and Walker. She looked back at them. Walker was glaring daggers and Erika was hiding her eyes from the flashes.

"I can't get out with them by the back," Aaron said quietly.

"I'm calling the police," Idina said. She turned to the back. "Are you guys okay?"

They both nodded and she dialled 911.

She explained her situation to the officer, emphasizing that she had two minors in the car. They informed her that they would the airport security there in no time and shed if she felt comfortable hanging up, assuring her it was fine if she didn't.

She was about to say she was okay with hanging up when a paparazzo came around to the front of the car and started taking pictures.

"The sun shield!" Aaron said quickly as Idina updated the operator on what was happening

Aaron turned back and Walker handed him the sun shield. Together, she and Aaron put it up, hoping to block whatever angles they were getting. 

There was a loud commotion from outside and someone banged on the car.

"Just our job!" She could hear them yelling. "Just our job, no need to be mean."

She contemplated giving them the finger, but then that would be something they would sell. So she didn't.

"Mommy, can we go now?" Walker asked.

"Soon, love," she said. She looked passed him out the back. They were still crowded around the vehicle. "You good Erika?"

"Yeah," the girl replied, but she sounded shaken.

"I'll keep you safe," Walker announced, picking up on her tone. "With my ninja skills!" He karate-chopped the back of the seat. Letting him watch _Katarte Kid_ had been a mistake.

Erika chuckled, charmed. "Thanks, Walker."

"When we get home, can you show me your ninja skills?" Walker asked.

"Uh, sure," Erika replied, taken by surprise. 

"Awesome," said the boy. He pulled out a toy form the seatback pocket and started making truck noises.

At least they were getting along.

Idina sat back and ran her hand through her hair in exasperation. When would airport security get here?

"There should be someone coming in about ten minutes," the operator said.

"Okay," replied Idina. "Thank you."

"No problem, Mrs. Menzel."

This time, Idina hung up. There was nothing left to do but wait.


	18. Chapter 18

They got back home much later than they had planned. Luckily, no one was waiting for them.

"Hey Walker," Aaron said once they made it inside and had let all the luggage drop. "Why don't you show Erika her room?"

Idina shot him a questioning glance.

"Sure!" Walker exclaimed, a smile rising on his race. He grabbed Erika's and started pulling her towards the stairs so quickly she stumbled.

"Walker, be careful," Aaron warned. He motioned for Idina to follow them.

They went upstairs to a guest room that had been converted into a proper bedroom. It was painted a cream colour with a double bed, vanity, desk, wooden floating shelves and a dresser. Everything, save for the wooden shelves, was painted white. There was a retro rose-pink corduroy couch with large floral patterns by the window and with some white throw pillows that had frills that matched the curtains. And finally, there was a hanging chair in the far corner.

"Surprise," Aaron whispered in her ear. "I thought this might help Walker, picking out a room and stuff," he continued. "And we'd have to do it anyway."

"I love you," Idina said, hugging him. "Thank you."

"Everything in there is yous," Aaron continued to Erika. "There are hangers in the closet and the laptop is to replace the one that broke." He paused. "Idina told me."

Erika was speechless. She was gaping at the space. It was large. There was a light teal rug on the center of the floor, bigger than the bed. It didn't stretch wall to wall. There was indeed a laptop sitting on the desk, and a case, cable, and mouse next to it.

It was a far cry from a closet no one could get in or out of.

"The room is yours," Aaron continued. "No boys," he said, "unless you're not into boys, then no girls," he joked.

Erika did seem to notice. She was still staring at the room form the door, not daring to step in.

"Do you like it?" Walker asked. "I picked out the paint and the chair. It's like a hammock." He looked up at her with his big brown eyes.

"Yeah," she said. She sounded genuinely excited but was trying to downplay it.

Aaron smiled. "Walker, why don't we let her get settled in?"

"Aw," the boy huffed. "Okay," he said after a moment. 

Aaron took him downstairs.

Erika still stood by the door, staring at it.

Idina watched her for a moment, curious to see what she would do. But the girl just stood there, transfixed with the room.

"Do you want some help with the bags," Idina asked after some time.

Erika jumped, suddenly brought back into reality.

"I can manage," she said immediately.

"You like it?"

She nodded.

"Come one, there's a lot of stuff. It'll go quicker if we both work."

"Alright," she said with a shrug.

Idina told her to wait there and she would haul the suitcases up the stairs.

The spent the next half-hour in silence, hanging up the clothes. Then Walker came in, offering to help and they finished it within the hour.

Aaron had made a large supper to help make up for their lacking lunch. It was late, and she sent Walker to bed after she had him call his dad. Erika quietly retreated to her room, not closing the door as she set up the laptop.

Idina helped Aaron with the dishes.

"Idina," Aaron said.

"Yes?"

"I was thinking since you're going to be taking time off for Erika," he started, "if we could maybe try for a child? I know before you said you wanted to focus on your carrier, but I was thinking since now your not maybe we could? Unless there's another reason why not."

"There's not," she said. "I'm getting old though," she said. "I don't want you to get your hopes up."

He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Thank you. And I promise if we ever got to a point where you want to go back to work, I'll be the stay at home parent."

She smiled and kissed him. 

He went up to bed and her phone rang. It was an unknown number, but it looked vaguely familiar.

"Hello?" Idina said into the receiver.

"Mrs. Menzel," a familiar robotic voice said. "I hope you are enjoying quality time with your new daughter."

"What do you want?" she hissed.

"Everything," the voice replied. "And you will get it for me."


	19. Chapter 19

"Who are you?" Idina asked.

"Wrong question," the voice replied.

"Why would I do anything for you?" Idina challenged. She had Erika. She had won. The police were already investigating the kidnapping. They would find whoever this person was and arrest them.

"Because if you don't, I will destroy your life," the voice replied.

"And what's to stop me from going to the police?" she questioned. "You have no leverage."

"You're not going to call the authorities," the voice said, "because I know that Erika is currently setting up a laptop. She's on the second floor, the third window from the right."

A chill ran down Idina's spine. She bolted up the stairs and into Erika's room. The girl was laying on the stomach on the bed, with the computer. It was still initializing, whatever that meant.

She went straight to the window and looked out. She couldn't see anyone or anything unusual. 

"I want the money transferred to my account," the voice said. "Plus a little extra compensation. Interest, if you will, for the late payment. Nodd if you'll do it. I can see you."

Shaking, Idina nodded. Then the line when silent.

"Idina?" Erika was staring up at her. "Are you okay?'

"Yeah," she said steadily, sliding the phone into her back pocket. "I just wanted to check something. The neighbours were worried they left a light on."

Erika didn't reply, but Idina could see her wondering 'and you had to do it from my room?' Or maybe not 'my room' maybe 'this room'. Idina hoped she was thinking 'my room'. It would mean that she believed she had a place here. 

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's just the lighting."

"I know you're lying."

Idina walked out. She did not know what else to do. Walker was still willing to believe whatever she said if it was comforting. Erika, however, would call her out. She wasn't used to this. 

Then she turned back. "Erika?"

"Yeah?'

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight," came the muffled reply.

Idina phone buzzed. The unknown number had sent her bank details. She quickly transferred the funds.

Then she deleted the messages, in case Aaron saw them, and went to her room. Aaron was in bed, replying to emails on his phone.

"Kids alright?" he asked.

She nodded.

She changed and crawled into bed next to him, nuzzling his neck. She just wanted to fall asleep and forget that this ever happened. 

He started kissing her slowly. For a second, she wanted to push him away. She felt guilty, dirty, awful. She was lying to him now. But then she'd have to come clean. 

He deepened the kiss and she moaned. This was what she wanted. This life, this family. She wanted to forget that it was in danger, at least for a moment. 


	20. Chapter 20

"Mommy!" 

Idina awoke to Walker shaking her.

"Wha- Walker!" she exclaimed, her hand going to her forehead. "What time is it?" She looked around. It was still dark.

"I think Erika's having nightmares," the boy said, concerned.

"What's going on?" Aaron asked, awoken by all the noise and movement. 

"Erika's having nightmares. She's being really loud. Is she going to be okay?"

"Okay Walker, I'll come, can you go wait outside for a moment?" she asked, realizing she was not wearing anything underneath the covers.

"But," the boy protested.

"Now, Walker," she said.

"Okay," he said after a moment and left the room.

Idina quickly found her bottom and top, then went out the door, Aaron following close behind her.

They walked down the hallway past Walker's room. They could hear Erika's shrill shouts of "No!" as they approached. Idina started going through what they'd said in training about night terrors. It wasn't exclusive to young children, often the longer someone's been in the system, the more likely they were to have had traumatic experiences leading to night terrors. It might be every night, it might be on occasion, they might be triggered by something during the day.

They quietly opened the door to Erika's room. She'd kicked the covers of the bed and was thrashing about. 

"Is she okay?" Walker asked.

"Just stay outside," Idina said, "'kay baby?"

"Mmkay," he muttered, taking Aaron's hand for emotional support. 

Aaron pulled him away as Idina stepped into the room. Should she wake Erika up?

It seemed like the right thing to do.

She crept over to the bed. "Hey, Erika," she said, sitting down on the side of the bed. Gently, she tried to shake the girl.

Erika tried to brush her off, but she grabbed her arms. 

"Erika, wake up," she said. "It's just me." Was it a good idea to wake her? She didn't want to leave her to whatever was scaring her. She tried to shake the girl again, firmly but gently, if that was possible.

Erika still tried to push her off. "Get off," she called out. "Please, just leave me alone," she muttered.

All of a sudden, she sat up, still trying to fight off Idina.

"Erika!" she exclaimed, trying to stop the girl from hurting either of them. 

Erika turned to her, her eyes wide and cheek wet with tears. She pulled her knees to her chest and started bawling in large gasps that soon turned to hiccups.

"Erika," Idina said softly.

The girl didn't look at her. She buried her face in her knees as she cried. She was shaking violently. 

Idina rubbed her back, then pulled her into a hug like she'd done with Walker when he'd been younger and had a bad dream. 

Aaron came in and sat on the other side of the bed with a glass of water.

Erika was still gasping for breath between sobs. He tried to hand the glass to her, but her form was trembling with a coughing fit as her lungs tried to force her to breathe more.

Aaron looked up at Idina, concerned. 

"The water might help," he told Erika. She wasn't paying any attention to him.

"What's wrong?" Idina asked.

"I-I-he-" she stuttered through sobs. 

Idina pulled her closer, resting her chin on the girl's head, then pressing her temple against her as she hoped that somehow she could use her body to black whatever it was that was causing this.

Idina felt Erika's trebling hands clench onto her forearm and pull her closer. 

"I'm here," she said, closing her eyes and wishing Erika would know just how here she, and how here she would be in the future.

Soon she stopped gasping for breath, but she was still breathing heavily and quickly. Erika coughed again.

Aaron offered her the water for the third time. This time, a shaking hand extended. Idina held her hand steady and lead it to her mouth as she tried to calm her breathing enough to take a sip. She finally took a small sip, and instantly coughed some more. She lifted the glass to her lips for a second time, this time managing to get a bit more down and take a deep breath.

Idina kissed her temple. "You're safe here," she whispered. The hand that was still on her forearm tightened in response.

Idina felt a sinking feeling in her gut. Erika wasn't safe here, she... Idina couldn't think of that now. She had to make sure that Erika was okay right now. She could worry about later when it came.

She helped Erika finish the glass, then sat there until she was no longer gasping for air and just crying silently into her knees.

"Is Erika okay?" came a voice from the door. Walker was staring at them in his dinosaur pyjamas, holding a rabbit plushie.

He came over to the bed and sat between Erika and Aaron. 

"Here," he said, brushing the rabbit against Erika.

He did it again until her hand came up and grabbed the leg.

"Mommy says nothing bad will happen when Mr. Bunny is around," he explained. He looked up at her waiting for an answer, but Erika wasn't ready to talk yet. 

Idina gave Walker what she hoped was a reassuring glance and a nod. He leaned his head against Erika's arm.

"I'll keep the bad guys away with my ninja skills," he said, but without his usual perk. 

Idina wished Walker's ninja skills could keep all the bad guys away.

The four of them sat there while Erika slowly calmed down. The whole while, she didn't say a thing. 

Walker soon fell back asleep and Aaron took him back to bed, leaving Idina alone with Erika once more.

"I'll stay here all night if you want," she offered, wondering if her presence last night had been the reason why there had been no terrors.

"No," she croaked out. 

Idina reached over to the nightstand and got her the glass of water.

"What's wrong?'

"Nothing-"

Idina huffed. "It's clearly not nothing."

"-I want to talk about," she finished.

Oh. "Okay," Idina said. "You can tell me when you're ready."

Erika's hand finally fell from Idina's forearms.

"This doesn't happen often, I promise," she said. 

_It should never happen ever,_ thought Idina. "It's fine," she said, quoting the line she hated.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Erika continued. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." _I'm sorry for not keeping you safe. I have everything to be sorry for._

She rubbed Erika's shoulders and wiped the tears off her cheeks. Erika coughed another sob, but she seemed much better overall. She straightened her back, no longer pressing her knees to her chest.

Idina stroked her hair. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Erika did not reply right away. "I guess so..." She did not sound that confident. She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "I'll be okay," she told Idina. 

"Are you sure?" she asked while loosening her grip on the teen.

"Yeah," Erika replied. Idina didn't believe her.

"This isn't because of the plane, is it?" she asked, just wanting to be sure.

"No," Erika replied. "Not because of the plane. It's not your fault," she added, answering Idina's next question.

"Then what?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay. I'm here when you do."

"You've already said that."

Idina sighed. "I know," she said. Why did their conversations always go in circles?

Idina did not get up to leave though. There was no scoreboard, no guideline, no rules, but leaving now would give Erika a point in whatever this was between them. And point towards Erika meant that she was right and this place wasn't going to last. Staying didn't give Idina point though. What did it prove other than her stubbornness, or maybe her awkwardness? Either way, she wasn't going to leave the teen alone yet. 

"I can stay here until you fall back asleep," Idina said.

'I'll be okay," Erika said, though she wasn't convinced herself. "I'm sorry I woke you." She yawned.

"Go to sleep," Idina said, "I'll stay here. I'm awake anyway."

"You can give this back to Walker," the teen said, handing her Mr. Rabbit. 

Idina took the rabbit. 

"You don't have to stay," Erika said. 

Idina conceded. Erika was a teenager after all. She was probably embarrassed enough.

"Alright," Idina said. 

She went back to her bedroom.

"Careful," Aaron warned, "Walker's under there somewhere."

"Okay," she replied, feeling around for her son before slipping under the covers.

"Is Erika coming?" he asked.

"No, she's fine," Idina replied, handing him Mr. Rabbit. "He fought all the monsters away," she said. "Now go to sleep."


	21. Chapter 21

Idina woke up early that morning. Her head was pounding. She'd gotten even less sleep then she first thought. She made herself a pot of coffee and downed more than usual until the throbbing stopped and she could feel her eyes widening and her posture strengthening with newfound alertness.

She had big plans for today. First, she had to drop Walker off at his dad's. Taye lived about ten minutes away. Then she was taking Erika in to write placements exams for the high school she wanted her to attend. During the time, Idina had set up a meeting with the LA social worker to go through Erika's files.

Aaron, bless him, had already done most of the work, getting the house approved and proving they had the financial means to care for Erika. 

She also wanted to find out how soon she could adopt the girl. There was a lot she still could not do, setting up a college fund being one of them. She could put money away, of course, but it would be better to have a proper college fund. And she only had two years to make one. Less, actually.

She found pancake mix in the cupboard; the one thing she could cook. And Walker's favourite. She always made it before she took him to his dad's.

Idina was hoping she could just stay in the car. Taye wasn't the biggest fan of a random teenage living with Walker. But he didn't know Erika. Taye knew Erika had saved Walker's life, and was grateful, but that didn't change his mind. He did not want her around Walker.

She turned on the element and set the pan over it, then poured the contents of the box into a cup and put in the eggs and water. Hopefully, the whole box would feed four. If not, there'd be leftovers she could reheat later on.

And there had to be a way to get some of Erika's stuff back. Idina was already in contact with the detective who'd gone through it. It was just sitting a box somewhere in the basement of a police station. There had to be a way to ship it out here not that it had been cleared.

Erika would say she did not care one way or another, but the teen had to care about something. Maybe that something was in that box. Or Erika was just some sad attachless person with no purpose and everything she'd ever told Idina was true. Idina would not stand for that. She'd do her absolute best to prove the girl wrong at every turn.

But then they would be in a battle. She didn't want to fight with anyone anymore She was over fighting. Fighting with Taye, arguing with Aaron and Walker, and now locked in mortal combat against Erika.

She found some blueberries in the fridge and dumped them into the batter, then went rifling through the cupboards for chocolate ships. She chucked a few handfuls of those into too and mixed the batter vigorously.

She heard Aaron's footsteps as he came downstairs. 

"Mornin'," she said.

"Mornin' love," he replied. "Pancakes?"

"The only thing I'm good at."

"You're good a lot of stuff," he said with a grin.

"Shut up!" she exclaimed.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek.

"Ew!" exclaimed a familiar high-pitched voice.

They both chuckled and smiled at Walker. Aaron kissed her neck just to bug him and Idina couldn't help but smile.

Walker walked over to the table and sat down, looking over at them. 

"Pancakes?" he asked excitedly.

"Yup," replied Idina. "Anything for my baby." She was so glad to be back with him, even if he had to leave soon.

Once the pancaked were done, she served them to her boys.

Erika still had not come down. Idina put a plate aside, sticking it the oven to stay warm. Then she removed her apron and went upstairs.

Erika's door was still slightly open, the way she'd left it last night. Quietly, she opened it a bit more and peeked in. The girl was sound asleep, curled in a ball on her side, no signs of the terrors that had been bugging her hours ago except for the empty water glass on her bedside table.

She figured she let the girl sleep in.

Idina went back downstairs. She got Walker changed and made sure he had everything he wanted before bringing him to the car and driving the short drive over to Taye's. 

As she pulled into the driveway, Walker got out. She was not in the mood to talk to him, so she waved goodbye as she walked up to the door, then waved again as the door opened and her son went inside, a smile on his face.

She was about to pull out when her phone buzzed. Taye had texted her.

_Walker's here_

_I know,_ she replied, _I dropped him off._

_I didn't see you_

_I'm in my car. So?_

_I wanted to talk about Erika_

_Why_

_I'm just worried it's not the  
_ _best environment for Walker_

_I know what I'm doing._  
I'd never do anything that   
would put Walker in danger

She turned off her phone and pulled out of the driveway.

When she got back, Erika was sitting cross-legged at the table, eating. Aaron must have gone into his work den since he wasn't in the room.

"Hey," Idina said.

"Hi," she replied, not looking at Idina.

"I can cook," Idina said jokingly.

"I never said you couldn't." She kept her eyes down and focused on the plate.

"So," she started. She'd briefed Erika on today's plans.

"Okay," Erika said, not knowing what to say but feeling compelled to say something.

The air between them was stale with Erika still not looking up at Idina.

Erika finished her pancakes, stood up and walked over to the sink. She rinsed it off then looked around for the dishwasher. Once she found it, she put the plate and utensils inside.

The whole scene made Idina feel weird. She didn't want Erika doing work, not after everything, but at the same time cleaning up after yourself was a basic expectation. Somehow the ease with witch Erika did it felt wrong. Idina wanted to spoil her. And that including not letting her do the housework. But that was overboard.

It didn't stop her from feeling awful about it. 

"Ready to go?" she asked.

The girl nodded nonchalantly.

Idina said bye to Aaron, then the two women left the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idina said in an interview somewhere that Taye is about 10 min from her place when she was talking about how she's a bit of mess when taking Walker to school and everyone else except for Amy Schumer has three kids and are somehow still put together.


	22. Chapter 22

Idina left Erika at the school after making sure she was alright. For the next few hours, she would be writing placement tests and Idina would be going through her files. 

If this had gone the way it was supposed too, Idina would have already been through the files. There would have been meetings and paperwork and some semblance of structure and due process. But this was life and it was insane.

She met with the social worker. Her name was Florence. She led Idina to an office with a few stacks of paper.

"More or less than you were expecting?" Florence asked, taking a seat at the far end.

"More," Idina said, "though I'm not sure why." She'd been expecting a small folder filed away somewhere with the key to Erika, just like in the movie _Annie_.

"I've already been through it," Florence continued as Idina took her seat. "And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't have paired you with Ms. Rivera."

"Why?" Idina tried not to sound offended. 

"Ms. Rivera needs someone with experience," she continued, "not someone who's doing this for the first time. And I'm telling this to you now because I've seen hundreds of you walk through those doors. Even when the child is seemingly a perfect fit it often doesn't work out. If you want out, now's the time. Later on, it will be messy. And people will get hurt."

"I don't want out," Idina said.

"I need to make sure you are sure. You might be okay, but Erika will not be. And your son, Walker, it's very possible he will be hurt in the crossfire."

"I won't let that happen."

"It might be out of your control."

"I'm not sending Erika back. Tell me what she needs and I will do it."

"She needs someone with experience, Mrs. Menzel." Florence looked her right in the eyes. "You do not have that. If this were up to me I would not have paired her to you and I can tell that you are already invested so I will ease your mind and let you know that I will not be removing her from your care, however, I want you to take some time and think about whether or not Erika's best shot is with you."

"Who else will take her?" Idina challenged. "If not me then who? Do you have the perfect family all lined up, ready to take her? Are you just going to drop her back into some group home?"

Florence nodded. "I see where you are coming from. But you are still operating under the assumption that this works out. Wouldn't letting her off now before emotions get involved be the best thing for her?"

That was the same argument Erika had used. "Why are you trying to talk me out of this?" she said defensively. "Shouldn't you be trying to place children in homes instead of taking them out of them?"

"Yes," the social worker replied. "And it's also my job to make sure they end up in the right homes. When they get to be Erika's age, there is rarely the right home. And I've never seen it with a first-time foster. Erika needs to be with someone who's been through this before. A family who has adopted many kids, all ages, had some grow up and move out and become stable adults. She needs a place where she can see a future for herself. A place where she knows they won't let her go."

 _I won't let her go_ , she thought, but she didn't say anything. Florence was right. A place like that, with people who knew what they were doing, who would not be relying on blind faith when they said 'you'll be with me as long as you need.' A place that wasn't with Idina.

"If I had a place like that," Florence continued, making Idina's heart sink and her breakfast threaten to come back up, "would you let her go there?"

"I-" she stuttered. She could feel the tears welling up. She couldn't lose the girl, not after all of this. "Do you?" she asked, her heart breaking with those two syllables.

"Would you let her go?"

Idina loosed a deep breath. She knew in her gut what she had to say. "Yes," she finally said with a lump in her throat. "I would." She tried not to cry.

"Good," Florence said, dropping her serious tone. "We can continue."

"What?" asked Idina. What was going on? She wasn't really this happy about taking Erika away, was she?

"I needed to know that you had her best interest in mind."

"So-" she started, still stuttering, "you're not taking Erika away from me?"

"I told you at the beginning that was not what was going to happen today."

Idina felt a sudden rush of anger run through her. Why on earth did Florence just put her through that?

"And now you've got something in common with Erika."

"What?" she asked, trying not to spit her words.

"That gut feeling. She's felt that every time someone sent her away. Probably worse. Because she would not rationalize it as 'for the best' as you just did. All she saw was that she was losing someone who might have been her family."

Idina knew that feeling. Perhaps not in the way Erika did, but she remembered how she felt when her parents had gotten divorced. How she felt when she broke the news to Walker about her and Taye's divorce. Imagine feeling like that your entire life, but every time someone tried to tell you it would be okay and that the world would carry on they made you feel that way again, over and over again. 

Idina tried to focus on the documents that Florence laid out, but she could still taste the salt in the air. Could she really do this? The last thing she wanted to do was harm Erika. Trying was better than nothing, right? 

It had to be.

She picked up the first stack of papers and started reading them. Erika Rivera, Parents: Elija and Elvira Rivera. It listed off more facts that she already knew. Birthdate, eye colour, hair colour, the like.

Then she got to the bottom of the pile, the account of when Erika was put into the system. She'd been barely a month old. Someone, a relative, she guessed, called Elsa Rivera had called to police because Elija and Elvira had never come home. To this day, they were still missing. Presumably, they'd run away, ducked out when parenthood became too much.

"Who's Elsa?" Idina asked. If Erika had family out there, she should know. 

"Her sister."

"Pardon me?"

"Elsa was her sister."

"Why isn't she anywhere else on the forms?" Idina said. There was no mention of Elsa anywhere.

"They were separated," Florence continued. "Apparently at the time, there was a forever home lined up for a baby, but not a four-year-old. They figured it was the best short Erika was ever going to get, and, no offence, it was."

Idina was almost afraid to ask. "What happened?"

Florence pulled out some more documents and showed them to Idina. "Three years in they had their own kid. Turned out the kid was special needs and they couldn't care for both of the children."

"Oh." Idina's hand went to her stomach. She and Aaron were trying now. What if she did get pregnant? How would Erika react? This new information changed the foundation of their relationship. 

Aaron wanted this. How much could she put Erika before? How much should she?

It might never happen. There was no use worrying now. They would have to try for a year before a specialist saw them, and even then it might take longer. A year with Erika was more than half the time they had. If Erika never wanted to see them again when she turned 18, she'd never even have to worry about a baby. 

Were her duties to Aaron trumped by those to Erika? If it came to it, could she choose Erika over Aaron? Aaron was her rock, her soulmate and Erika was... She was just a kid. One Idina cared for, but still.

It was starting to hit her like a semi-truck. She was not prepared for this, not in the slightest. 

"You said 'was'," Idina said. 

"Elsa," Florence began. "It says she died two years ago."

Idina blinked. It was all happening so fast. Erika was spiralling out before her and she could not catch all the pieces if she had a million arms. "How?" Idina was not even sure she wanted to know.

"There's not much proof that they were close," Florence said. "I've tried calling up the New York offices but I only got voice mail. Elsa had managed to find her forever home in Albany, however four years ago the family moved to New York and she and Erika were enrolled in the same school for a time."

"And..." Idina prompted.

"Elsa was killed two years later in a knife fight involving Erika and some other teens from the orphanage she was at the time. Erika spent some time in the hospital for a cut to the ribs."

"She said it was because someone wanted her bank card..." Idina trailed off.

"It probably was. And then Elsa got in the crossfire." Florence paused. "And there's something you should know."

"What?" asked Idina. What could be worse than this?

"While it was confirmed she was acting in self-defence, Erika was still found with a knife on her when the police arrived. There were mixed accounts from everyone involved. It seemed everyone had a side and they were all sticking to the same story. No one but those kids knows for certain if she managed to take it from one of the older guys or if she'd had it to begin with." Florence paused again, gauging Idina's reaction. The actress was a stone wall. "But she did manage to slice one guy up pretty bad."

This is what Taye was worried about, Idina realized. The unknown. The violence. 

"She wasn't charged with anything, has no criminal record," Florence continued. "But she's not a delicate flower either."

"I had no idea." And she'd let Erika in the same room as Walker!

But then again, she'd jumped in front of a bus for Walker, when he was nothing more than a stranger. A random kid. That was Erika's true colours. She could have left him. She'd acted on pure instinct. Pure good, protective instinct. There was no way she could have known.

It had been self-defence, she rationalized. 

"What happened to the people who killed Elsa?"

"I'm not sure," she replied. "It doesn't say here. That's part of why I called the New York offices."

"Oh my God," Idina said, it all still hitting her. "Oh my God."

"If this is too much, you can back out now. No one would blame you."

And then Erika would win. And then she might get put into a home, one like where she'd been stabbed, where her sister had been killed. 

The night terrors! This had to have been what she was dreaming about. There couldn't be anything else. 

There wasn't. How could it get worse than this? 

Idina swore. She let her composure drop for a moment, then picked herself back up.

"Like I said," Florence started, "I would not have paired you with Erika."

"I'm all she's got," Idina said, though it came out more like a sob. "I'm all she's got." She was repeating herself like a broken record. "I'm doing this," she said with a newfound resolve. 

Florence gave her a sympathetic look. "Honestly, you've made it further than I expected. Most mothers would bolt before they even knew she had a knife. No one wants an impressionable kid around that."

"Around _her_ ," Idina muttered.

Florence nodded. "There's still more to go through, if you want to, that is." She paused again, watching the star. "but I think we've covered everything major."

"No more surprises?"

"No more surprises, just a long list of homes. Unless there's something not in the records."

"I want to get through it all," she said. If there was anything in here that would help her with Erika, she wanted to know it.

"Of course," the social worker said. She handed Idina more papers. "For what it's worth, Mrs. Menzel, I hope you prove me wrong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry (maybe) for that and the word count is the only reason why I didn't split this right after Idina said she would give up Erika. 


	23. Chapter 23

39.

Idina was Erika's 39th foster parent. 

Initially, she'd stopped counting around fifteen when she saw the amount of paper still left. Then she went back and counted every single one.

And those were just foster families. Erika had been in countless group homes and orphanages as well. Sometimes for a few weeks, other times a few days. Nowhere longer than the three years she'd spent with her first family as an infant. There was only one other place that went over a year. And the next longest stay was nine months.

And there were some runaway instances. Three, exactly. Two of them came up with confirmed physical abuse. The third was suspected, especially due to Erika's pattern. 

She thought back to her previous home. How bad did something have to be for Erika to run away if she saw them as the best place she'd been? Idina did not even want to think about it. Yet she had to. Erika was her responsibility now and she needed to know everything she could learn.

And she was the thirty-ninth person to be in this position. 

She'd been with Idina less than 72 hours and it still wasn't her shortest stay somewhere.

Had it really only been seventy-two hours?

It had been less than seventy-two hours. And Erika had broken down at least three times. The time in the car had been Idina's fault. The plate, should she count that? Last night had been awful. She'd felt so helpless.

Was this what their future looked like? 

Something would set Erika off and Idina would have to sit there, waiting it out. 

Idina was sitting in her car. She hadn't left the parking lot yet. This was too much. Way too much.

She texted her sister. She needed her to know that she loved her. Then she texted I love you five more times. Then once more for good measure.

She put her phone down. Then she picked it back up.

She needed to call Aaron.

"Hey," he said after one ring. "How'd it go, Dee?"

She told him everything, everything minus the stuff about Erika's first home. She did not want to worry him with that. When she finished, the other side of the line was silent. She could hear him breathing; thinking.

"That's... a lot," he said finally.

"Yeah," she breathed. Where do they go now? "Are you... still, okay with... with this?" she asked. She needed to have him beside her. If he wasn't this would not work.

He sighed long and hard. 

Erika's words came back to her. "You can just drop me off here" "Eventually, you'll bring me back to a home."

"It could have been worse," he said at last. 

Idina nodded even though he couldn't see her.

"She needs therapy," Aaron said. "Lots. Was there anything in the records about her having it before?"

"No," Idina replied.

"She's not going to get it anywhere else. And I wouldn't be shocked if there's more that's not on the files," he said, rationalizing it to himself. He was working to be a therapist himself, in hopes of helping people like Erika. "And we can afford it..."

"I'll pay for all of it," she said quickly. "You don't have to worry about it."

"We can afford it, Idina," he repeated.

"So you're still good?"

"I think we're too far in now," he replied. "And I'd be worried about her safety if she left, everything considering."

"Yeah." She should not have gotten drunk. And somehow they let her continue with this.

"How long until we can officially adopt her?"

"Florence said six months and we can start talking about it."

"Six months?"

"Yes."

"That's a long time. It's one-third of our time."

"I think that's the point."

"We're getting preferential treatment because you're famous," he said finally. 

"Probably. Publicity, inspiring people. I've read the news."

"But at least Florence's intentions are to making sure Erika is in a good place. Which could be us. And we're doing this."

"Yes," she said.

"Yes," he agreed.

They were silent for a minute.

"I do think we are doing the right thing," Aaron said. "And Walker likes her."

"Yep," agreed Idina with a slight smile. "We have to think of Erika like Walker," Idina said. "From now on. She ours just like he is. Sending her back isn't an option."

"Yes," he said. "She'd our child now. Even if it's not legally."

"I have to go now. Thank you so much," she said.

"Good luck," he said.

"Bye."

"Bye."

Idina hung up and turned the car on. She took a deep breath and drove to the high school.

When she walked in, Erika was still writing the exams. She was sitting in an empty classroom with the door open so that she could be monitored, looking back at a book while she scribbled an answer down. 

Idina hoped she was trying. 

She sat in the office for a half-hour until a receptionist brought Erika in. Idina stood up instantly.

"How did it go," she asked calmly, fighting every instinct in her body to smother the girl with a hug. She needed to keep a cool head.

"Well," the receptionist started, " the exams should be marked within the next two days and we'll have a placement for Erika here by the end of the week."

"Sounds wonderful," Idina said. She turned back to Erika. "Are you ready to go?"

Erika shrugged, not making eye contact. Erik knew Idina was going through her files. Idina would have had to have gone through them anyways. 

Idina wished she knew what Erika was thinking, then she might have a clue of what to say as they walked to the car. Idina opened the door for Erika, letting into the passenger seat. She walked around to the driver's side and heard the telltale click of a camera shutter.

Seriously?

She looked around. There was a guy crouched not far away, large camera perched in this lap, aimed straight at them. He was the only one.

Idina got into the driver's seat and drove away. She looked in the rearview mirror to see if anyone was following her. The coast was clear for now.

When she pulled into the driveway, she didn't get out of the car immediately.

"How do you think the exams when?"

"I took them seriously if that's what your asking," Erika replied.

"Thank you," said Idina. "And how are you?" she asked,d even though she already knew the answer.

"Well," Erika replied to her surprise. It wasn't much different than 'fine' in sense, but being well and being fine were two very different things.

She just wanted a connection. It had barely been 72h. This was a delicate matter than needed time. 

"Do you want books to read, or something?" Idina asked. "Games, stuff to pass the time?"

"I'm fine staring at the ceiling," she said.

"I've been talking to the officers in New York about getting some of your stuff shipped here. Is there anything they should pay special attention too?"

"No."

"Aaron and I are trying for a child," she stated bluntly. She didn't want this to get messy later on down the line. She wanted all the cards on the table.

"Is this an attempt to make sure I don't steal your jewelry?"

"No," replied Idina, perplexed.

"Then I don't need to know that you're fornicating like rabbits." How Erika said that with a straight face a deadpan delivery Idna would never know. It took all her self control not to chuckle a little bit.

"You know," Erika continued, "I'm pretty sure telling me about your private life violates some sort of appropriate topic guidelines somewhere."

She wasn't going there, was she?

"I just wanted you to know in case I get pregnant," she said.

"And why would I care?"

"Because you are a part fo this family and you should know what's going on."

"Have you told Walker you're sleeping with this step-dad?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "He's ten."

"He's your real family," she argued. 

She had yet to look up and meet Idina in the eyes. It was a simple rejection, but one that bugged her previously. If Erika would just look at her, she would see... No, she wouldn't. She was doing this deliberately. Not because she was afraid of what she might see. She knew exactly what would get under Idina's skin. 

"You're going to be a part of this family too," Idina said. "I know you don't believe it and I know you're sick of hearing, but that's not going to stop me from saying it."

"Did the social worker tell you I nearly killed someone when I was fourteen?"

"It was in self-defence!" Idina exclaimed.

"Are you sure?"

"Are you threatening me?"

"Maybe, do you want to keep me around and find out?" This time she looked right into Idina eyes with an ice-cold expression that sent chills down her spine.

She's just trying to protect herself, Idina reminded herself. "You're not going to do anything," she said.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you jumped in front of that bus when you didn't have too. You have a kind soul. You don't deserve any of this."

"Maybe I wanted to get hit by the bus and tripped. Saw your kid as an excuse to die a hero and not a failure."

"I watched the whole thing," Idina said, forcing herself to go back to that day, the absolute horror as she saw Walker freeze-up, then the fear and relief that washed over her as she saw an orange figure pull him out of the way and go crashing onto the sidewalk. There was no accidental tripping happening there. That had been a leap to get them both out of the danger zone, calculated as Erika had spun so that she landed on her back with Walker safely on top of her. "That was way too deliberate."

"I think you're just seeing what you want to see."

Idina sighed. "I'm going to be a broken record until it sticks. I'm here for you. I want you to be a part of this family. Aaron does too. Walker loves the idea of a big sister. And he likes you. That's enough for me."

"I've known druggies who gave a more convincing speech than you," she spat. "'We'll love you as long as the money buys us drugs' means a whole lot more than 'as long as my ten year old thinks your cool'. Kids are volatile. You have an amazing, class-A argument there."

"I'm not saying that."

"You did."

Idina could feel her blood pressure rising. Thirty-ninth, the reminded herself. She wondered if Erika had ever stopped counting like she had the first time. If Erika even knew how many places she'd been too. Or if there were places not mentioned. There would not a fortieth home on that record, and Erika could fight her for the next two years then never speak to her again if that's what it took.

"What are you afraid of?" Idina finally asked. It was a long shot, but if Erika gave her anything she could use, she would sue it.

"Nothing," the girl lied. Then without warning, Erika unlocked the door and stepped out the car, making her way towards the house.


	24. Chapter 24

Erika went up to the bedroom. It was not her room. It was a room. She was squatting in it. 

She stood by the window and looked out. She was bored but she didn't want to take anything else from them. She just wanted to get away.

Why did they have to try so hard? She preferred it when people just acted like she didn't exist. When they didn't pretend like everything would turn out alright. 

They were kind. But she needed to get out.

Idina was stubborn, but one day she'd find out this was a mistake. Erika wanted that to be sooner rather than later.

"I found these in the basement," Idina said, coming in with a box full of books. "Mostly classics," she continued, "but there's adventure, fantasy, children's, all the good stuff."

Erika looked up as she dropped the box on the bed, then started moving them to the shelves in large armfuls.

Idina swore as her second armful fell all over her and hardback landed on her foot.

Was she doing this on purpose or was she a clutz all the time? 

She sighed inwardly and went over to help the woman pick up the books. She looked over the titles as she did so. They were all things she'd heard of. Shakespear, Alexandra Dumas, Tolstoy, the likes. Stuff she'd read for school. Some stuff she'd never heard of.

When they were all on the shelf the two women stood there in silence, Idina staring at Erika and Erika looking at everything else. The girl hated eye contact. The last thing she wanted to see was the earnest face the actress put on when she tried to convince her that she was different. 

"If you're hungry, I've made some salad, but Aaron's putting a pizza in the oven," Idina said after a moment.

"Alright," Erika replied. 

"Are you hungry?" she asked. She was always so soft-spoken. It had been the thing that stuck out the Erika the most when they'd first met. Now she hated that quality. It made not getting attached harder as it made the celebrity sound more genuine.

"A bit," the girl confessed.

"What do you want for supper?" Idina asked. "I'm no cook, but Aaron's pretty good. And we can always get something." When Walker was with her, they normally tired to cook something, but when he was with his dad they often ordered in or hired a chef. Idina didn't want to order-in all the time with Erika around. Cooking together could give them some time to bond.

"I don't mind," Erika said.

"Are you sure?"

Erika nodded.

"Really? Come on, what do you like? It's just food."

"I'll eat anything," the teen replied. It was the truth.

"But you have to have something you like more."

"I never bothered to think about it," Erika said, wishing Idina would leave her alone. She already knew her life sucked, she didn't need reminding of it. She barely tasted her food as she ate it. Habit. She learnt long ago if she didn't eat her food someone else would. It didn't stop her from going to bed hungry though.

She hated being the poor orphan. Poor Erika, her life's so sad. That's all she was to Idina. The poor orphan. When the novelty runs off, she'll be sent away. Poor orphan, sent away again, such a shame we couldn't do anything for the poor orphan. She'll be better off with someone else.

There was no way Idina would ever choose her over Walker. She knew that for a fact. And that's how she knew Idina had no idea what she was doing. This could very easily tie into her divorcee, her custody of Walker. If- no, when something got messy, her husband could use it against her if it escalated. The choice would be her of Walker and she'd choose Walker through the tears and the 'I'm sorrys' and Erika would be left alone and no better off than she was before.

She would not get attached. 

"Well," Idina said, pulling her out of her spiral, "there's some stuff in the kitchen when you want it. If you think of something you want for supper, let Aaron or I know."

"Okay," replied the girl.

"I wish you would trust me when I say I want this to work," the star said again in her sickenly soft manner. She really was a broken record.

"And I wish you would believe me when I tell you it won't," Erika replied. Two can play at this game.

"Why won't this work?"

"Because one day something will go wrong. It might not be for over a year, but something will. And then you'll have to choose between Walker and I, and we both know who you will choose. That's the best case. The nuclear option is you lose both of us. I've been through this, I know how it ends. I've seen parents weaponize these things against their former spouses. I stand by my statement that you don't know what you're getting yourself into." She tried to explain as factually as she could. She did not want to say how much it would hurt if she cared or played nice. She did not even want to imagine a possibility where there was anything but mutual tolerance between the two of them.

"What will go wrong, Erika?" She took a few steps closer. She was practically whispering. Anyone else would have been yelling. Yelling was easier to deal with.

"Anything," Erika said. "That's the beauty of a minefield. Every step could be the last one you take, or it could blow your legs off." Hadn't she already explained this? It does not matter when she does, she always gets sent back. Her best option was to get out of the dangerous situations quickly and stay in the safest ones the longest. Here, with Idina, this place had red flags everywhere screeched for her to get out as soon as she could. Physically she was safe, but emotionally? She was weakest there and this pace would hit her in the just the right spots until she shattered. She had to get out. She should run away, but she did not want too.

That scared her most of all.

"Alright," Idina said with a sigh. She left the room after reminding Erika for a third time that lunch was downstairs.

* * *

Idina stopped in the hallway and let the tears slip down her cheeks. She had a feeling she knew exact;y what Erika was afraid of and there was nothing she could do about it.

Everyone said they couldn't choose between their children. It was true. Idina had no idea what she would od if she were faced with that. She had no idea how plausible it was that she might have too.

Deep in her gut, she knew she'd do anything for Walker. He was her whole world. 

Erika was right. Idina would feel awful, but she could rationalize it, convince herself it was for the best of she tried hard enough. Nothing would let her do that with Walker.

She hated herself for even thinking like that.

Her phone buzzed.

The unknown number.

 _Not now,_ she thought. She opened the text.

It was an image of her and Erika leaving the school, followed by the start and end times of the different grades.

 _I'm watching you,_ it read.

 _What do you want?_ she texted back.

 _I'll let you know when I'm ready,_ the reply said. 

Idina was quick to delete the messages. She wiped her face and went downstairs, got a bowl, filled it with salad, and sat down at the table, her laptop open, replying to emails.

Erika came down not long after. She took some leftover pizza and some salad and sat across from Idina without saying a word. Idina looked up att he girl, then looked behind her to where her husband was sitting on the lounge, then back to the girl again.

Erika did not want to get emotions involved. Every time Idina tried, she retaliated with just as much force. And Erika might run away if she thought she would get hurt. It was time for a new battle strategy. 

She could let Erika exist. Then give her college money when she turned eighteen then pray the teen will keep in contact. No emotions, no bonding, just the two of them existing in the same household. It wasn't what Idina wanted, but maybe it was what Erika needed.

And Erika's needs now came before her own.


	25. Chapter 25

Her new strategy was working. Two weeks in and that was all Idina had to say. Aaron questioned her on it, but even he had to admit that it was nicer if she wasn't blowing up at Idina.

They had small talk that meant nothing, though each interaction got longer as the days went on. 

They fell into a routine once Erika's results had come it. The school wanted her to redo tenth grade, not because of the results but because she had no finished it. Idina wanted to fight it initially, but theoretically, it gave them an extra year together so she took it. She was settling for small victories in hopes that they would amount to something.

Aaron and Idina were going to foster parent support groups while Erika was taking weekly therapy sessions. Everyone agreed that there was nothing they could do to convince Erika that they would be her forever exce[t being her forever family. And that would take nothing but time. They just had to wait it out. It might take forever, but eventually, the message would stick through their actions.

Erika spent less and less time secluded in her room. She would now openly do her homework at the kitchen counter with Idina working on the other end. They rarely said anything to each other during that time.

Idina caught her more and more often reading the books she had brought up.

Erika was starting to develop tastes. She loved fantasy and historical fiction mostly. She wasn't keen on contemporary romances or contemporary anything. The more removed it was the better.

Idina was thinking of getting her a Kindle. All she needed was an excuse the give it to her. They were on okay terms now, but not good enough for random gifts. A Kindle would let her read much more and she could buy cheap books. Idina could give her an Amazon gift card and she could use it to buy whatever she liked.

She picked Erika up and dropped her off every day. She did not want her to take the bus. Erika did not question it. There were some perks, she guessed, to their relationship.

She had not received another text from the unknown number. She wasn't sure if she was grateful or not. The worry was killing her. Aaron knew something was off, and she was sure Erika was thinking that. She tried to play it off that she was missing Walker, but neither of them bought it.

She heard the bell ring and she started looking out for Erika. Teens started flocking to the school busses, all dressed in identical uniforms. 

She flinched as the door opened.

"I didn't see you come up," she said.

"Oh, uh, sorry," Erika said as she tossed her backpack into the back seat.

"Walker's coming back for the next few weeks."

"Yeah, I know." She sat cross-legged and started reading her book.

"Taye should be dropping him off tonight. He has to fly across the country and his flight leaves at nine." Idina pulled out of the spot. "What are you reading?"

" _Howards End_ by EM Forester."

"Any good?"

"Actually, yes, I'm enjoying it."

"Tell me about it," Idina said as she navigated the parking lot.

"It's about two families, the Schlegel sisters and their new neighbours the Wilcoxes and it's a lot of drama around the Wilcoxes's estate Howards End. And other drama too. It's all early nineteen ten's aristocrat period drama."

"Doesn't sound that interesting," Idina said.

"I know," she chuckled, "but I swear it's good."

"Better than _Far From the Madding Crowd_?" It was currently her favourite read.

"Yes."

"I might pick it up when you're done then," she said. It was amazing watching her learn what she likes and doesn't like. They were trying different foods every night, even things neither of them had ever heard about before. So far seafood had been a consistent miss, but Erika still ate it when it was presented to her. However, they were willing to take it off the menu for her.

"Okay," Erika said cheerily. No remarks like "it's your book." 

"Also, Aaron and I were thinking that the four of us should go out for supper tomorrow. If you're not overworked, that is."

"That's fine with me."

"And my sister Cara will joining us," Idina added. She prepared herself for what would come next.

She and Aaron had been going to the foster parent therapy groups while Erika attended her sessions. They confirmed everything they already knew. Erika was acting agreeably, that would go away as soon as it started to get serious. 

"Because she's coming to Walker's basketball game," Idina continued. "And I know you've got that group project so you won't be at the game, but she wants to meet you all the same and I figured a celebratory or make-up supper would be a good idea."

Erika was silent. "Alright, fine," she huffed after a moment.

"Could you help me make some brownies before Walker gets here?" Idina asked.

"I have an essay due tonight," Erika said, shutting her down.

"Okay, no worries."

She pulled up in the driveway. Erika grabbed her bag and went inside. She went up to her room to change before coming down to work on her essay.

Aaron greeted Idina with a kiss and a smile. He was home from work early.

Around six-thirty, the doorbell rang. Idina opened it to find Taye and Walker standing outside.

"Hey there, little man!" she exclaimed, crouching down to pick Walker up.

He giggled and squealed. "Hi, mommy!"

"Thanks," she said to Taye. 

Taye was looking past her to where Erika was sitting, minding her own business.

"That's-" he started.

"That's Erika!" Walker exclaimed. "Erika!" he called.

She looked over.

"This is my dad," he informed her.

She gave a sheepish wave from the table but didn't move.

"You should probably go," Idina said. He was warming up to the idea of Erika but still wasn't set. She did think that he saw how much Walker liked her and was letting it go for him.

"Bye," he said.

Idina closed the door.

The four of them sat down for supper. Walker talked the entire time about the stuff he did with his dad and what movies they saw and the basketball game Taye had taken him to see. Erika was quiet as usual. Both Aaron and Idina were happy to have the child back.

* * *

That Saturday, after Walker's game, Idina, Aaron, her sister, and her son all went back to Idina's place. Erika was still out at the library, working on her group project. They had supper reservations in two hours. It was nowhere fancy, but still a nice place for a family catch-up.

"Cara," Idina said as they were about to leave, "I know I've said this a million times but-"

"Be gentle, don't ask a lot of questions, I know Idina," her sister replied. "Dee, it's amazing you're doing this. I just want to meet my niece."

"She's not technically my daughter yet."

"But I can tell she is to you Dee, and that's all that matters to me."

Idina hugged her sister.

"Ready to go?" Aaron asked, coming down the stairs with Walker.

"Yup," she replied, taking Walker's hand and heading to the door. She slipped her hand into Aaron's as they headed to the car. 

Cara, Aaron, and Walker would go in Cara's car while Idina went to pick Erika up. She gave her boys a kiss before she left them with her sister.

"Take good care of my men," she teased.

Cara winked as she stepped into the car.

Idina drove to the library as it started to rain. Erika was waiting outside holding some papers over her head though it was only sprinkling. The sun was already starting to set and it was getting dark.

"Hey," Idina said as Erika got in.

"Hey," she replied.

"I got an email from the school today, there's cheerleading tryout next weekend," Idina said. She was trying to get Erika into something extra extracurricular. Her therapist thought it might be a good idea.

"No." She stated it so firmly Idina flinched.

"It's just cheerleading," Idina said calmly.

"No," Erika said again, a bit softer this time.

"Why not?" Idina asked. She knew she'd struck a nerve. "Is it someone already on the team?"

"No," she replied. "I do not want to do cheerleading."

"That's fine. There's always the swim team or clubs."

"I'm really not that interested in joining anything," she said.

"I know," replied Idina. "I just want you to have some fun." What she really wanted was for Erika to make some friends. Some sort of attachment. "How's the project going?'

"Well, I guess. One guy won't show up and none of us can get in contact with him so we're just moving on at this point."

"Who is he? Maybe I can call his mom," Idina said. This was a small town when it came to it.

"I'm not getting used to _that_ anytime soon," Erika replied, making Idina chuckle. "If he doesn't want to do the work I don't want him working on it."

"But then he'll get credit for nothing," argued Idina.

"Or he fails."

"I guess there's that."

Idina pulled into the restaurant. They walked in. Aaron, Walker, and Cara were already sitting at a large round table and waved them over. 

Cara got up and pulled a chair out for Erika. "Nice to meet you," she said extending a hand. "I'm Cara."

"Erika," the girl said, shaking Cara's hand cordially with a small smile.

"Idina told me a lot about you," she continued as everyone sat down.

"Me too!" Walker chimed in. "She can cook batter than mom, and she knows that shelled eggs explode in the microwave and she's better at math."

Idina blushed. "I know that shelled eggs explode in the microwave," she stated. She knew it now.

Cara chuckled. "That's a long list of accomplishments," she said, looking over to Erika. 

"I guess so," the girl replied, unsure what else to say.

"My team won," Walker said.

"Good for you," Erika said with a wide smile.

"Yup and mommy says I can have double ice cream."

"You deserve it," she replied. 

A waiter came and handed everyone menus as a family with a mother and two children sat down in the booth behind Idina and Erika.

"Can I start you off with drinks?" the waiter asked.

"Coka cola please," Walker said without asking permission. The waiter looked over to the adults for confirmation before he wrote it down. 

"What about you?" he asked turning to Erika.

"Ice tea please," she said, much to Idina's delight. She was finally showing interest in something.

Idina ordered water while Aaron and Cara opted for wine.

Idina's phone buzzed. She checked it quickly to make sure it wasn't important. The unknown number had texted her.

 _Order the beef stroganoff_ , it read.

Idina gulped. 

Another text came in. _It's to die for._

_Wouldn't want to kill over it._

She looked around. No one was watching her. Cara and Erika were discussing _Howards End_ and Walker was playing tic tac toe with Aaron.

 _ok_ , she texted back. Should she text back?

 _I'll know if you don't_ , came the reply.

She was suddenly suspicious of everyone around her. There was a man the far corner on his phone, a woman only a few tables away, children with Ipads and tablets, someone with a laptop. It could be anyone. They didn't even have to be here. People obviously noticed them. It could be all over the internet right now that she was eating here.

"What's wrong?" Aaron asked. The whole table was now looking at her.

"Nothing," she replied.

"You're as white as a ghost," he argued.

"Just hungry," she said. "I feel as if I haven't eaten all day."

"That's because you haven't," Cara scolded. "Seriously Dee, you're the older one yet I'm always taking care of you."

"And I love you for it," Idina replied putting on a fake smile. 

Eventually, the waiter came back and Idina ordered the stroganoff. She slipped her phone into her bag as she did so, not wanted to see whatever texts came next if any did. She wanted to focus on this time with her family.

The waiter went to the table behind her and asked what he could get them. The boy ordered something but was cut off by the mother who told simply that he had to keep it under twenty dollars total.

When the girl asked for the same thing, she had no objections.

"Why does she get it?" the boy asked.

"Because you're not my kid," she said. "I'm opening up my home to you, but I don't have enough money for you to eat that much. I've been telling you this for months."

Idina glanced behind and the boy was starting to tear up. The woman continued to scold him, getting progressively louder as the restaurant grew silent.

"I have to go the bathroom," Erika said abruptly, getting up quickly and rushing away in the wrong direction. She oriented herself quickly and disappeared down a hallway.

"Hey," Aaron said, leaning closer to the group. "I'll pay for whatever he wants to eat."

"Oh you don't have to," the woman said.

"Yes, I do." He turned to the boy. "Order whatever you want." Then to the waiter: "Give me the bill for it."

"Isn't that nice," the woman said, "I guess you can go over twenty now." Idina felt sick.

But Aaron wasn't done. "When you adopt a child," he continued, "that kid is yours. You are responsible for them."

"I haven't adopted him," she said flatly.

"It doesn't matter," he continued lecturing her. Idina swelled with pride. She felt like her heart was going to burst. "My kids aren't biologically mine, but I'd go to hell and back for them and I'd certainly never show favouritism to either of them because of their relationship to me."

"Well, we aren't all privileged enough. And besides, my daughter needs to know that she's irreplaceable. You said so yourself: you have no biological children. You might change your mind when you do."

"If you view your child as a paycheck, you don't deserve to have them," he continued. "And if you view your son as replaceable, how do you think your daughter sees you? If you send him back, what's to stop from thinking you'll send her away too?"

"She knows she's more important," the woman explained.

"Mommy, what going on?" Walker whispered.

She hushed him.

The woman turned to the waiter who was a teenager, too underpaid and underequipped to deal with this. "These people are bothering me," she said. "Can we be seated elsewhere, or could you make them leave?"

The teen stammered something.

"You upset my daughter first," Aaron said, visibly annoyed. 

Idina finally piped up. "I have a biological kid and I love both my children the same," she said.

"Well aren't you a saint!" the woman exclaimed. She turned back to the waiter. "Could we pleased be moved? I don't appreciate being questioned on my parenting."

"Uh," the teen stammered. "We're very full, but I'll get the manager and see if something can be arranged."

"Sorry," Idina mouthed as he passed by her. She needed to check on Erika. She got up.

"Where are you going?" Walker asked.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she said. 

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to the bathroom."

"Walker," Aaron said, "this isn't the place, we'll explain it later."

"But I want to know now," he huffed crossing his arms.

Aaron turned to his wife. "I'll talk to Walker, you take care of Erika." 

She nodded and went to the bathroom.

Idina formed hat she was going to say in her head. This territory involved emotions. They were inherently linked. She needed to tread carefully. Once she was sure she had something, she opened the door.

Erika was leaving her back against the wall, scowling.

"You've been in here a while," she said. It breached the subject through subtext, but at the same time, it was pure and simple facts. It let Erika choose which way the conversation would go.

Erika stood there in silence. Whether she was contemplating what to say or waiting to see what Idina did, the celebrity was not sure.

"I did not want to listen to that," Erika said after a minute. "Sorry for ruining the dinner. I'm fine."

She wasn't fine. She was tense. Her sentences were short and forces. But Idina conceded. 

"I can stay here with you till it's over," Idina offered.

"No, you should spend time with your sister. You never know how much time you'll get."

"I'd argue the same for us," Idina said. "And I signed a contract saying I'd take care fo you, and if that involves staying here while Aaron gets into a fistfight with that woman, I'll gladly miss it."

"Really?" she asked.

"No, but if it happened I won't complain about missing it."

Idina wasn't entirely sure what happened next, but in a few seconds she had bridged the gap between them and they were sitting on the floor, knees pulled up and backs against the wall. Erika's head rested on her shoulder. It was silent other than the occasional stomach growl.

"I'm hungry," Idina complained when it happened again.

Erika didn't say anything in reply, but then she didn't say anything snarky in protest either. 

They sat there until Cara came to fetch them.


	26. Chapter 26

Idina and Erika followed Cara out of the bathroom. The woman and her children had been moved to a different table across the restaurant. Walker was playing on a tablet with headphones on. The food had arrived.

The waiter apologized profusely along with the manager. Idina smiled and told them it was not their fault.

"Are you alright?" Aaron asked Erika.

She nodded.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she replied, taking a seat.

No one spoke. Idina picked at the stroganoff. Walker was the only one who ate all of his food.

The waiter brought out a large ice cream desert for Erika, covered in candy and chocolate, on the house. Walker's eyes went wide when he saw and she pushed it across the table to him, saying she wasn't very hungry and continued to pick at her meal.

They paid and leave in relative silence.

Cara said she'd driver her car back to Idina's and offered to take Walker, but Idina denied the offer and agreed to meet her sister at her place.

"That's not how I wanted this to go," she admitted.

"Oh Dee," Cara said, hugging her older sister. "No one could have foreseen this." She rubbed Idina's back. "Erika seems nice," Cara said, "I think she's just as stubborn as you are and will be a just as good big sister."

Idina squeezed her. "Thanks."

She let Cara go and stepped into the driver's seat. Walker and Erika were sitting in the back. Erika was staring out the window.

"Why did everyone get upset at that woman?" asked Walker, shattering the silence.

Idina looked back at him through the mirror.

"Because she wasn't treating her children well," Aaron said.

"She called the boy a foster kid," Walker said. "Dad said Erika is a foster kid. What does that mean?"

It was Aaron who answered again. "A foster kid is a child who moves homes, trying to find someone to be their parents. It can take a long time, and it doesn't always work out. It means that Erika has been trying to find a home and family for a long time, just like that boy was. However, Erika has now found herself a home. And when a foster child finds the right home, the parents have to wait a bit to make sure, but once they do, they adopt the kid and become a family."

Leave it to Aaron to find a way to explain it to Walker and reinforce their rhetoric that Erika was now in her forever home. 

"So," Walker started, pricing it together, "that woman wants to adopt the boy? She doesn't seem very nice."

"I don't think she wants too," Aaron replied.

"But-" he started to argue, then stopped. "Oh." It clicked. He turned to Erika. "Is that why you got upset? Because someone was like that to you?"

"Walker," Erika said, not looking at him, "please stop asking questions." She said it firmly yet friendly, but Idina could see that Walker was a bit taken aback. 

Walker put his hand on Erika's, but the girl's hand retreated to her lap.

"Mom and Aaron are nice," he said. "I know they love you. Aaron's not my real dad, but he still loves me and Mom. People don't have to be related to you to love you." He was so earnest. 

Erika looked out the window. She didn't move. Walker conceded to the silence as Idina started the car and drove back to her house where Cara was waiting indoors.

* * *

Idina was putting Walker to bed.

"Mom, may I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Go ahead," Idina said, laying down beside him and kissing his forehead. 

"Does Erika know she's going to be here forever? She is right? You're not going to send her back?"

"No," Idina said, "We're not going to send her back. She's been to a lot of places Walker. Do you remember what it was like when Taye and I broke up?"

He nodded.

"I thought I'd never love someone in that way again until I met Aaron, and even then, it took him a long time to prove it to me. For Erika, she's had a lot of people come up and tell her that they would be a family, but in the end, it didn't work out. So even though I know it, and Aaron knows it, and you know it," she bopped his nose, "she doesn't believe it."

"How do we make her believe?"

"We can't, not exactly. We just have to be there, and eventually, she will see that we are serious. It will take a long time though," she added, hoping not to get his hopes up.

"Does she hate me for asking questions?"

"No, she doesn't hate you. She was just upset. Sometimes we hurt people when we get upset."

"Like when I yell mean stuff when I'm mad," he said.

"Exactly."

"I wish she'd understand that she's going to be my big sister forever."

"Me too baby," Idina said, kissing him again. "Now go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow with Auntie Cara."

He giggled and closed his eyes. 

"I love you," he said as she got up and turned off the light.

"Love you too," she replied as she closed the door.

She walked to her bedroom and crawled onto her side of the bed. Aaron was on his phone.

Idina took hers out. There was a missed text from the unknown number. 

The blackmailer, she thought. She knew the number now.

She opened it. It was a picture of her earlier today, buying pregnancy tests.

 _Trying to make up for the ones you lost?_ the text below it read.

_Does Aaron know how many died before Walker? Does Erika know she's a replacement for a child you were to weak to carry? Are you getting your husband's hopes up with false promises?_

_Give me everything I want or all your secrets will get out._

_10,000$, in my account. Then buy Erika something nice. Send the receipt when you do. Are you feeding her? She still looks like a wraith. Walker is happier with his father._

Idina transferred the money. _There, now leave me alone,_ she replied.

Her heart stopped beating as the three dost appeared, indicating her blackmailer was typing back.

 _No,_ came the reply. _I told you I want everything. We are just beginning._

"Dee, are you ready to sleep?" Aaron asked, turning his light off and yawning.

"Just a minute," she said as she hastily deleted all of the messages. "Does Erika look better to you?" she asked.

"Pardon me?"

"Less wraith-like. Like we're feeding her enough," she explained, her back still to him.

"I mean it's not going to change overnight," he said, "but she looks a lot better than she did in those pictures. And I'm sure in a few weeks she'll look even healthier. You're a health nut Dee, I know, but she's fine."

Idina rolled over onto her back. "You do realize we might never have kids right?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Like it or not, I'm old Aaron. The likely hood of this working without medical intervention is slim to none, and if we need medical intervention we might have to get it soon before everything stops working."

"If you want to go to a specialist, we can," Aaron said. "I didn't think you were this invested, but if you are, I'm elated." She could hear the smile in his voice.

But she had to get everything off her chest. "And what if something happens? It's harder to carry a child full-term when you're old."

"We'll get through it together," he said. Together was like his mantra. "Like I've been saying for the past few years, it's us now. We do everything together. The good and the bad."

"I'm just," she stuttered. "I don't think I can have another miscarriage." As soon as she said it she knew she misspoke.

"Another?" he asked, concerned. "Idina, look at me. Another?"

She turned to him, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes, "Why do think it took Taye and I so long to have Walker?" she asked.

"I thought it was because you weren't ready." He rubbed her arm. "Dee, it's okay, you can tell me anything."

She felt a tear slide down her face. "It's because we tried, but I couldn't keep them. Walker was a miracle by all accounts. It's why I wanted a natural birth so badly. I just wanted everything in case it never happened again."

"Oh my god, Idina," he said gently. "Why didn't you tell me? I never would have pushed for this if I'd known."

"Because it's something you want," she said, "and for a while, I thought it was never going to happen again. And it's something you want and this isn't just about me and-" she couldn't finish through the tears.

"Do you want this too?"

"Yes, of course. I'd love nothing more, but I can't go through that again," she whispered. "Not again. I thought I could, but now it's all coming back and I know it will break me."

"Idina," he breathed, sitting up and pulling her into his arms. He stroked her hair. "Idina, Dee... I just wish you would have told me sooner."

"Are you mad?" Taye would have been mad.

"No!" he exclaimed. "No, I'm not, I promise. I just wish you'd trusted me more." He hugged her tightly. "Tell me what you want to do from now, or not. We can make the decision later. I just want you to be honest with me."

"I want us to have a kid," she said. And she meant it. "But at the same time, I can't do that again."

"Okay," Aaron said. "We can talk about this later. It's late and you need some rest. But know that whatever you decide is fine with me. I want a kid, but not this much. We have Walker and Erika, and we can always adopt again. I want you to be okay more than this," he said as he planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Just be honest with me, and with yourself, okay?"

"Okay," she said. She yawned. She could be honest with herself. And honestly, she did not want to bring Aaron into the blackmail. One of them needed to be out of it, one of them had to be safe for Erika. If something happened to her, she needed to know that Aaron would be there for Erika.

She soon drifted off to sleep in his arms, a bowling ball in her gut. 


	27. Chapter 27

The next morning, Idina awoke to the smell of french toast and her husband gently shaking her awake.

"Mornin' beautiful," he said with a smirk.

"Aaron..." she said groggily, "What time is it?" He was never up before her.

"Early," he replied. "Here, I made you some coffee and breakfast in bed."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Idina opened her eyes, a smile already on her lips. Aaron was holding a tray with french toast, orange juice, eggs, a mug she assumed held the aforementioned coffee, and a vase with small blue flowers.

She moved over. He crawled in behind her and pulled the little legs down from the bottom of the tray so that it became a mini table on their bed. 

She leaned against him and smiled. She needed to do something nice for him. She'd been so caught up in everything going on with Erika she'd almost forgotten about the one who had been helping her through this. Something he'd enjoy. Not just sleeping with him, though they both enjoyed that...

"I'm sorry," she said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said quickly.

"Let me finish," Idina said, her mom-voice coming out. "I know I've been ignoring you a lot lately, not to mention how caught up I got staying in New York, and I'm sorry I wasn't thinking of you."

"You're a mother Dee, and a bloody good one," he said in her ear, "You are always going to put Walker first, I knew that when I met you. I was prepared to come second. I knew the second you called about Erika that you felt the same way."

"But I made promised to you as well and I feel as if I've been breaking all of them lately," she sighed. He was so amazing, and she was lying to his face. She was keeping secrets from him. She'd never told him about the miscarriages because she'd decided she'd never have a kid with him and that she'd never have to go through that again. Even now she did not believe they'd have one. It was probably why she'd agreed to try. It wasn't her schedule, it was the impossibility of it all. She was a horrible partner for leading him on.

"We all slip up, god knows I have," he said. "And I'm so sorry for everything I've done or said to you." He could admit when he was in the wrong. Taye never did that. He knew how to treat her right. "And I will again in the future. We're only human." He squeezed her around her waist and she melted into him.

Her stomach growled and they both giggled. 

"Eat up," Aaron said. "Everyone else is asleep. If you wait too long you'll go back into mom mode and you'll ruin the moment." He grabbed the knife and started to cut into the toast, then skewered it with the fork and brought it up to her mouth.

She laughed as she took the bite. "You're getting syrup all over my face," she said.

"Oh, is that so?" he asked playfully.

"Yep," she said, turning so that he could see the sickly sweet syrup dribble on her chin.

He grinned deviously and licked it off, making her laugh, She tried to stile it, but the snorts that came out just made it worse. She could feel his chest heave as he started chuckling too.

"We're both pushing fifty," she snorted, "why do I feel like I'm seventeen and blackout drunk again?"

"Maybe you're hight on life?" he offered. 

She was right now.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" she wondered aloud.

He chuckled. "I have no idea, but whatever you did I'm happy you did it. Now eat up." He waved another bite below her nose.

"I can feed myself," she said, putting her hands over his and guiding the fork to her mouth. 

Idina took a sip of coffee. It was black, exactly how she liked it. 

"About last night," Idina said, "I want us to have a child," she admitted, "but at the same time I'm scared. And you've done so much for me. This is something I should be a able to do for you, but..." she trailed off. 

"We don't need to figure this out right now," he said. "Let's take a step back and focus on what we have right now."

"We don't have time on our side."

"We can adopt," he said again, "and we've got two wonderful kids. I care about you too much. Let's talk about this more, in a different setting, before we make a division. And I want you to know that I won't be mad, no matter what you decide."

"Okay," she said, taking another sip of the coffee. She had to admit though, she wanted another kid. Having Erika around was nice, but it was reminding her of how Walker had been when he was little. And she missed it. She wouldn't mind holding a baby in her arms again, even if it wasn't hers biologically. Erika was proof she could love anyone as her own.

Aaron was proof of that too. Blood wasn't always thicker than water. Family was something you choose. Idina was choosing this one.

* * *

Idina did not look at her phone until well into the evening. The day was much better than the previous one. It was almost as if all the events the night prior had been forgotten and Idina let herself fall into the lie that they were as she walked around the city with Cara and her children with her husband on her arm, doing touristy things and eating ice cream. But once the dust had settled, and Cara had gone to the airport, and Erika was studying, and Walker was watching a movie, did she finally look at her phone. Only then did the facade finally fall.

There countless missed texts from her blackmailer. They started with requests to see a receipt for Erika's gift and ended in dozens of texts calling her a child murderer. 

Murderer

Muderer

Muderer

A wall full of texts calling her out for the one thing she'd had no control over. The memories that were preventing her from getting everything she wanted. Her own failings, her own weakness. All hers and hers alone.

Idina snapped a picture of the receipt for a necklace she'd gotten Erika. She'd spied to girl looking at the dragonfly pendant in a cheap trinket shop and thought nothing of dropping a few dollars on something she seemingly liked. 

_Is she really only worth a few dollars to you?_

The reply was too sudden. Like whoever it was had been waiting.

No. Erika was priceless. The necklace was now priceless because it was now Erika's. It was now fastened around her neck, the green plastic diamonds reflecting light ever so slightly. It was dainty and delicate and beautiful just like her.

 _And cheap_ , her brain added. _Expendable, replaceable, easily broken._

A diamond in the eyes of the beholder. 

Erika fingered it as she read. She wasn't biting her nails anymore. Her eyes quickly shot over her screen as she jotted down notes. She really was trying. Idina had been worried that she would give up, or try to sabotage herself. She wasn't, at least not as far as Idina could tell. 

She almost wished Erika would try and take advantage of her. Ask for everything and everything, push her that way. See how far she was willing to go and how much she could get away with before Idina finally snapped. Act like her love had a pricetag and all Idina had to do was cough up enough money and she would have it. But Erika was to kind to do that. Instead, she was playing a completely different game. One that was defensive. One where both of them could be content without every truly getting what they wanted and having what they wanted just out of reach. 

That was something Idina was not used to anymore. She had everything she wanted. And until now, she had been the one in control. Now she was losing it faster than she ever thought possible.

Her phone rang. It was the detective on Erika's case. His name was Charlie.

"Hello," she said.

"Ah, Mrs. Menzel," Charlie said. "I just want you to know I shipped the box today. There wasn't much, I'm afraid, but everything I could get untangled is there. It should arrive in a week or two. You might have to pay some fees when it arrives, I'm not sure though."

"I'm not worried about that," Idina said. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed some good news right about now."

"That bad huh?" he asked.

"No, not really," she replied. "Just one of those 'me' days." She was panicking. Her joked hadn' worked. It was to close hitting that she'd messed it up. 

"I see."

"Any news on the blackmailer?" she asked.

"Has he tried to contact you again?" Charlie asked.

"Umm, no," she replied. "If he does though, what should I do?" She walked into another room.

"Right now, I think we're close. I don't think the person knows we're on to them and we want to keep it that way. Do whatever he says as long as it's not dangerous or giving him any money. I don't want him to suspect anything. I want him to think h has you wrapped around his thumb. Maybe he'll get reckless and this will be over even quicker." She'd already sent him a lot of money... "But we are close, Mrs. Menzel. You won't have to worry for much longer."

"What should I do if he asks for money?"

"Stall, say it's tied up. Admit that you're broke and are about to have the house foreclosed. Then call us imminently. We'll spirit everyone away somewhere safe and he'll be none the wiser. We can't have him getting the funds he needs to hide from us. This is already a thicker web than we first anticipated."

"How so?" she asked her heart raced. What had she done?

"We thought this was a simple blackmail to make money off of Erika," he said, "but we now believe this was more than that. We think it's a personal attack on you. Very premeditated. The whole situation with Erika was just timing." The stroganoff made more sense now. It had been a power move. 

"How will you keep us safe then?" she asked. She'd sent so much money, money that could be used to bribe people, to hurt the people she cared about. But Charlie said that they were close, and she was supposed to play along if she was contacted... so this shouldn't be so bad. She can just continue to play along, stall the next time money was asked.

"We have safe houses and we are equipped to deal with these types of threats. Just keep us informed if you get contacted again." With that, he hung up.


	28. Chapter 28

More texts came in throughout the week. It was always little things. Get this, do that, prove it. Nothing too bothering, other than the fact that she was being blackmailed. The police were on to this person, and whomever they were, they would be stopped. He (Idina was just assuming it was a he because aren't they always?) would get caught and arrested and sent to jail.

What bothered Idina was the fact that this person always seemed to know what she was doing. What her whole family was doing. 

Paparazzi were everywhere in this city, but it couldn't be just that. She was certain she was being followed or something. It didn't make any sense otherwise. How else would he know what to ask her to do and when to do it? 

The alternative was that is was someone she one intimately. Someone who knew her every move because she told it to them because they were doing it with her.

She tried not to think like that. The last thing she needed was to start suspecting those around her. But when she was alone, reading over the daily barrage of "murderer," she had to wonder. Not many people knew about her miscarriages. It certainly wasn't public knowledge. Someone had either taken a long shot or someone knew her. Which meant it was someone that she knew. Which meant she could trust no one. If someone she loved was doing this? Why on earth would they be doing this? They could just ask her for money. How could someone hate her so much, what had she ever done to deserve this?

She started feeling sick. Every day when she woke up she puked. Her mind would wander when she was all alone, coming up with crazy ideas and vendettas. Maybe it was the ex she'd dumped for Taye. He'd tried for half a decade to get her back. Maybe he saw this as his chance to get back at her. 

Everyone knew something was off. Even sweet little Walker. He'd crawl into her bed on the weekends when she went back to sleep after puking her guts outs and tell her that she'll get better once the bugs go away. She didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't the flu. She was doing this to herself.

And she was starting to gain weight. It only took two weeks and her abs weren't as toned. She'd stopped working out every morning and exchanged it for sleeping in. And she was barely eating, living off of coffee and water. 

And then Aaron would get up to look after the kids and she was alone with her thoughts. What did Erika think of her? How was Erika? 

Walker had seen her like this before. Not that he should have too, but he had. He understood, even if he believed her when she said she was sick, and not to stay too long or he might catch it.

Erika would notice that no one else was sick. She would see how long it was going on and how the dark circles under Idina's eye grew. She saw it every day as Idina still insisted on driving her to school, even if she had to keep a puke bucket in the car. 

The house grew quieter as people shuffled around her. Aaron thought he knew what was wrong and kept the household in order. It was his duty to take care of just as she did when he was down. Just as she'd done when he'd been starting out this new career path, so worried and overworked he could barely function. She'd kept Walker quiet and planed stressless weekends and suppers and done more chores in those two months than she'd done in her lifetime because she loved Aaron and he needed her.

Now she needed him and he was doing the same. He was holding down the castle until the queen got back from war.

Her mother had flown over from New York once or twice. She couldn't be quite sure if it had been once and she'd fallen asleep or twice and she'd not realized the time passing. Mom approved of Erika too. In fact, everyone came to check in on her. Kristen and Dax, her dad, her work friends. Some were clearly using this as an excuse to see Erika, while others let her hide form them and spent all day with Idina. Cara had stayed a week before going home.

But in the end, they would all leave, and, much to her relief, she would be alone with Aaron again. The one person who was shielding her from the storm. Her rock, her world. The one person she knew could not be behind this.

"Idina, baby," Aaron said, pulling the covers off her head. "It's check-in day with Erika's therapist. I know you said you did not want to go last night, but I was wondering if you changed your mind."

He knew her too well. He knew she was making rash decisions she would hate herself for later on.

"I have," she said solemnly. 

"Okay, let's get you out of bed." He picked her up bridal style and carried her into the ensuite bathroom. He gently put her on her feet and held her till she had her balance.

Together, they made her presentable. Erika's therapist would have a say in their adoption hearing when it came to it. She wanted to make a good impression, show a united front. Whatever she was feeling could wait until tomorrow.

She did her makeup so that she looked healthy and normal and Aaron helped her dressed even though she was capable. He was doing it just to spend time with her. They'd hired a babysitter for Walker, one he knew and had given her money for snacks and treats and told her to make a day of it.

Walker deserved a fun day. Idina had not been around, Aaron was getting more and more stressed, Erika was studying, his dad was across the country. He needed a day off. They all did.

Idina had to admit she looked like a competent adult. She doped herself up on some painkillers and medicine before they left. It would kick in by the time they made it to the office. She tried not to take them too often, as they weren't really working anyway and she didn't want to accidentally overdose or create a dependency or something. She was already pushing the limits of what was a safe dosage. And it wasn't like she was really sick. She was just anxious. She just _felt_ sick. And feeling sick made her sick. 

Aaron drove, even though she loved driving, so that she could sleep until the medicine started to kick in. Then, if she wasn't loopy, he'd let her drive back.

The medicine wasn't doing much. Other than quelling the headache. But she was pretty sure the Gravol was working since she hadn't thrown up and Aaron had managed to get some lunch in her before they left. Erika sat in the back and Iidna dozed off until they reached the office.

She awoke to the feeling of the car coming to halt. Her headache was gone and the uneasiness in her gut had subsided. She could function now. She still queasy, but was manageable. 

Aaron opened all the doors for her and Erika as they climbed u the building to the therapist's office. Her name was Gerda Snow and Erika was not her biggest fan. But she was acclaimed in her field and good at what she did and having her on their side when it came time to fight for Erika was like having a nuclear bomb in your back pocket you could pull out at any time and win with.

So she had to like them and she had to be convinced that Aaron and Idina were right for Erika, even more so than the social worker Florence. Snow's opinion weighed more in the end. Florence just had to make the right recommendations, she wouldn't be consulted. Even having Erika in therapy was a good mark in their book.

Erika was asked if she wanted to wait outside, and she opted to do so, knowing full well that she would probably be called in eventually. She was a messed up foster kid who'd nearly killed someone, after all. What sane therapist would leave her alone in a room with things she would pick up and use a weapon unless she was highly sedated?

She hated Snow with every fibre of her being. There was nothing 'wrong' with her. Just like there was nothing wrong with an animal fighting for its life. But she played nice because Idina asked her to and it was safe to play nice. She was safe with Idina and that was all that mattered right now. She would put up with the minor inconveniences.

She hoped Idina was functioning well enough to make sure Snow didn't send her away. Erika, though she'd deny it if you asked, hoped Idina was alright. She knew she was suffering. Erika knew suffering all to well not to recognize it. And she'd been told countless times that her stupid heart was big and she cared too much, meaning the had empathy, meaning she felt like she had a pretty good idea how Idina was feeling right now and was sorry for her. Erika Rivera did not like having empathy. But like many of the things Erika Rivera did not like, she was stuck with it. 

* * *

When Idina sat down, she felt so much better she was worried the relief might show on her face. The room was calming and the woman standing before her was stern-looking yet somehow not intimidating. 

Aaron was beside her holding her hand. In his other, he had the list of things they wanted to know and cover. Mainly how could they help Erika and what could they do to secure her place with them?

Dr. Snow was quick to calm their fears, saying as of right now she would recommend Erika stay with them. She saw no reason why not. Not to mention, they'd had the foresight to bring the girl to her office instead of trying to fix there themselves, like so many people have tried to do. She knew teens in Erika's position and she knew what they needed and while she wasn't sure Idina and Aaron were exactly what Erika needed, they were pretty damn close. And that was much closer than anyone had gotten in a long time.

They discussed at length her behaviours and her actions at home. Erika was not the most vocal in her sessions. She'd sometimes lie down, close her eyes and pretend to sleep. But she was making progress at home, so something was working. Probably the homelife. 

Dr. Snow gave them her assessment. She wasn't entirely sure Erika was exhibiting choice. In fact, in her exact words, Erika had absolutely no sense of self.

"What does that mean?" asked Idina.

"You and I," Dr. Snow explained, "we have these ideas that we like something or we hate or we enjoy something. Erika doesn't have this. In her mind it's they enjoy me doing this, or they are pleased when I say that, or I will get yelled at if I order this. I don't think she's ever developed that much taste for anything. She reads, yes, but does she like reading? Or is that what she says to please you? You put the books in her room and therefore made reading an acceptable pastime. The fact that she prefers certain books over others is progress, but she still has a long way to go."

"She orders her own food at the restaurant," Aaron pointed out.

"Yes, but I have a feeling it's only what she deems you allow her to order. I don't think she's ever put any thought into whether or not she likes what she eats. You've said she has a distaste for fish, but fish is often expensive and probably something she associated with negative reactions from her other foster parents to the point where she'd convinced herself she doesn't like it."

"Or she could just not like it," Aaron added.

"That is true," replied Snow. "I would like to see her more often," she continued. "I don't think seeing her once a week is going to bring about the change you are looking for. We've barely scratched the surface. I've read all her files, but there is only so much I can do when she's in a bad mood. I'm hoping if we spent more time together she would start to trust me more."

"We can arrange that," Idina said. "Thank you for everything."

"And I still think you should try to get into an extracurricular or two, even if its outside of school. While it would preferable to be with her classmates or with people around her own age, having her do anything at this point is better than nothing. Even if it just working out with you two at home or at the gym."

Idina and Aaron both nodded in tandem. "We'll do our best to find something," Aaron said and Idina agreed.

They left and shook hands, then collected Erika who was secretly thrilled she'd made it the whole time without being called in. 

Idina was feeling well enough to drive back so she did. The drive made her feel even better. There was little traffic and she sped the tiniest bit on the freeway, making her gut soar in ways it hadn't been in a while, the adrenaline warding off all symptoms for a while.

She got home and Walker was there, his face covered in icecream and his sitter was trying to clean it up. Idina smiled and told her she'd finish up and she tipped her well. 

Then she spent some time with her son. She was in a much better mood just from doing things that took her mind of the issue. There was still a weight in her gut, but she could push through it.

But the next morning there was another wall of texts and she rushed to the bathroom to throw up, waking Aaron. She fumbled with her phone to delete them before he got to the bathroom to hold her hair and rub her back and tell her that everything would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to the other Pued my friend Willow for letting me talk to her about the time she thought it would be a good idea to take over the non-competitive cheerleading team after the competitive one got disbanded and basically had the entire comp. team come after her and her girls and it was the cause of a lot of stress and anxiety for her which included not eating and vomiting due to stress and helping me match Idina symptoms to it. I know she still gets a bit queasy thinking about it. 
> 
> Btw Willow says if you and your locker partner ever try to revive a club and you are told that the only reason they're letting you run it is because they have no idea who you are (in a good way) and you are given a list of people who are not allowed to have a management role and it's heavily implied that you are allowed to exclude them: do not, under any circumstances, agree to run the club. It's not worth it. 
> 
> Willow wants you all to girl scout swear on it right here. <3


	29. Chapter 29

Another week went by. Idina was feeling no different and Aaron was beginning to worry there was more than met the eye. It couldn't just be anxiety. If it was, Idina needed help. And she needed it yesterday. 

At least she wasn't getting any worse. He wondered if it could get any worse. She would still get up on occasion, do something. There were full days here and there when she was semi-functional, going through the steps like a zombie, lighting up when Walker wanted to play.

He hadn't meant to start all this. He'd just wanted to have a baby with the love of his life. If he'd known, he'd never have suggested it. Now she was bedridden and anxiety puking because she was terrified that she might be pregnant and terrified that she was being a horrible wife and mother and crushed that she couldn't allow herself to have another child nor let Aaron feel what it was like to hold a newborn in your arms for the first time and feel the unconditional love wash over for the stranger you were staring at. 

He soothed every tantrum Walker threw. And he was throwing more and more as the days progressed. Taye was not back and showed no interest in relieving him or his wife of Walker. When Aaron had called, all he said was that Idina had wanted main custody so it up to her to deal with it. Of course, if she was willing to reconsider, he might come over. Aaron had hung up on him.

Walker wanted his father or his mother and would not stand for Aaron. He would hide in Erika's room knowing Aaron would not go in there without her expressed permission and lay on her bed playing his tablet while she sat downstairs. She would have to coax him out with bribes and food that Aaron planned out.

He looked at the unopened box of pregnancy tests. He knew he shouldn't ask, not right now, but if it eased her mind...

Anything. He would do anything to help her get better.

He would try this, and if it didn't work he'd drag her kicking and screaming to the hospital and get her some help.

The only reason he had not done so already was because of Erika. If anyone knew about this, they might take her away. Even though Aaron had been added to all the paperwork, Idina was still the one they spoke to. She was the one who arranged everything. And even if it wasn't, the two of them had to be capable. This was a powder keg beside a lit flame and Aaron wasn't sure which one he was.

If Erika got taken away, it would crush Idina. And in her current state... He had no idea how she would react. She would blame herself, she always did, and she would fight tooth and nail to get her back. Blindly, possibly making it worse in the process. She was reckless sometimes. Especially when she was emotional. 

He had no idea how Idina had been a single mother to Walker before. He could barely be a single parent now, even with Idina helping out whenever she could and Erika trying her best not to get in the way.

She was so strong and he was so lucky to have her. He needed to be here for her, just as she had been for him. She was his world. She was the reason he had the children he did and the reason why he'd been able to pursue his dreams and his world would not exist without her. He had the strength to do this. He could do this. He could do anything for her.

He walked into the bedroom. It was late. Another night of soothing Walker and trying to keep him quiet so that Idina would not worry. He'd sent Erika up with some food, hoping that maybe if she asked Idina would eat. 

It worked, Idina was picking at the meal under Erika's watchful eye. She'd drunk all of the juice. Aaron was mixing vitamins into juice to make sure she was getting some nutrients. Luckily, most times she didn't seem to notice the taste, however, as he started to add more and more, he got more and more complaints that the juice tasted funny. So he told her that once she got better, it would stop tasting funny. Which would be true, because he wouldn't have to lace it with vitamins. He had tried some protein shakes, but Idina had freaked out because they seemed like they might have contained dairy. It was a mistake he was not going to repeat unless he absolutely had to. And he threatened her with it more than once.

"I'll take it from here," he told Erika who looked relieved to see him. She scurried out of the room.

Idina pouted and crossed her arms.

"Feeling better?" he asked. 

Today had been a good day. She'd come down for a few hours once the children had come home from school and he had not had to wake her up in the morning to drive Erika in. At least she was getting out of bed every morning for that. She had stopped picking her up and Aaron had put her on the bus. He had not told Idina this. He knew she would freak out and try to start picking her up again, but she was finding it difficult after spending all morning in the bathroom vomiting to find the energy to do anything.

She wanted too, but sometimes she would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. It was because she was not eating enough. It was a vicious cycle. If she was active and not thinking, she could eat, but then she'd vomit her guts out at night. If she didn't, she wouldn't vomit as much. Either way, she was not getting what she needed. And then she could not get out of bed. And the next day she felt awful for being a horrible parent and wife and cried herself to sleep. And then she would try again and it would start all over.

At least she was trying.

There were so many at leasts. Because everything could be worse. So much worse.

"A bit," replied Idina. "The juice tastes funny," she informed him.

"There's nothing I can do about that."

"Buy new juice."

"That's not going to change anything. I've already tried that." He walked over and crawled into the bed beside her. 

She looked like the dead. He was genuinely surprised no paparazzi picture had started any rumours yet. 

She nuzzled his neck. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I really thought I could do something today and then..."

"You're trying," he said. 

"I'm so scared Aaron," she admitted. "Of everything and I think it's killing me. You have to promise you'll take care of Erika if I die. Taye will take care of Walker, I know it, but you have to promise me you'll take care of Erika."

He rolled his eyes. "Stop being a drama queen, Dee. You're not going to die. You're stuck in a vicious cycle. I'd have dragged you by the ankle to the doctors if I thought you were going to die."

"My knight in shining armour," she lamented. She landed against his chest and closed her eyes.

"How's your stomach?"

"I'm better now that you're here," she said. "Can't you just stay here all day? I might get better if you stayed with me all day." She was being silly because his Dee was silly when she was scared. He just wished he knew why.

"You promise you're telling me everything, right?'

She nodded. 

Idina was lying to her husband. That was part of what made everything worse. The messages kept coming. They said he'd know if she told Aaron and that he'd kill Aaron in front of her. And then he described how he'd do it and how he'd make her watch as the blood dripped from Aaron's live body as he cried in pain. 

The demands were getting more and more controlling. Stay here, do that, do this, say that. She followed them without question. One time she hadn't done as he'd asked. He told her not to get Walker a gift and she'd done so anyway, and somehow, the blackmailer had known. Then he'd sent her picture upon picture of Erika at school and told her in detail what he'd do to her if she ever disobeyed him again.

Then he reminded her that he was watching her. Always. 

The police were taking too long to catch this guy. It was ruining her life. They were always close, they always had some lead or another, but everything was always a dead end. So she resigned herself to her bed, where she could do the least amount of damage.

"Idina?" Aaron asked.

"Hmn?"

"I lost you for a moment," he said.

"Oh, I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"About how much I love you right now," she replied. "If you ever left me, I don't know what I'd do with myself."

"I'm not going to leave you, Dee, we've been over this." He's been telling her that since the start. Since everything that happened in her previous marriage. There had been so much and Aaron only knew bits and pieces. But he never pried. He always said he would be there when she was ready to talk. He understood, as best he could. He knew she had to open up in her own time. He knew how Taye had completely destroyed her.

"It's not that simple."

"I know. What is it you always say to Erika: 'I'll say it till it sticks?'"

She chuckled. "Don't use my words against me unless I was drunk when I said them."

This was nice.

"I need to go to the mall tomorrow," she said. "I have to get something."

"I'll get it," he said quickly.

"No, I want to do it." She had to do it. The blackmailer had told her too. Maybe she should give him a name so that he was a name and not the Blackmailer. But she would not humanize him with a name.

"I'm not going to stop you from going out," he said. "May I come?"

"No."

"Come on Dee,"

"I need to do this alone. Like you said, getting out seems to help."

"'Don't use my words against me unless I was drunk when I said them,'" he mocked.

"Stop it!" Idina exclaimed, burning herself deeper in his shirt as her cheeks started to burn.

"You're right, you are feeling better. I haven't heard that many words from you all week." They both smiled.

Idina was feeling better because she hadn't had any texts since the morning asking her to go shopping tomorrow. She might hate shopping, but it was easy.

"Idina," he said, his tone changing. She sat up straighter. "I was thinking. What if you took a pregnancy test."

Her heart fluttered. "Why? I'm not..." her throat started to restrict. "I'm not..." she sobbed.

"Dee, I know. But when it comes back negative then you'll know for sure."

"It could be a false negative."

"So take two."

She sighed. He was right.

"I'll be next to you the whole time," he said. "If you want. If not, I'll be right outside the door, okay."

He was so calm. It made her calm. Taye had been all over the place, inconsistent. She can't believe she hadn't seen the warning signs sooner. That's why Aaron was her rock. She could trust him.

She took a moment to gather her courage. It was around here somewhere.

"Remember what you said, the chances are slim and we were barely trying for two weeks. We hadn't even bothered to try timing it."

"Because you're so hot," she muttered, making him chuckle.

"See, everything is fine Dee," he said, wrapping her up in a bear hug and kissing her cheek. "So, want me in the bathroom or not?"

She took a second the think about. She wanted him close but, but she needed to be alone. When she found out, she would need a moment to herself, either way. Then she would pick herself up like a big girl, tell Aaron, and get on with her life. It had been nearly a month. She was ready to put her big girl pants back on. Walker needed his mother. Erika needed her to be someone. Aaron was ready for her to be his Dee again. 

"Not," she said. "I think I need to be alone."

"Okay," he said. "I'll be right outside. If you lock the door, I might break it down though if I think you're in trouble."

"That's fair," she assessed, "I'd do the same for you and the kids."

He walked her to the door of the bathroom and the stood there holding each other. 

"If you really don't want to..." he backpedalled. 

"No, it's fine." She took a deep breath and turned to him. "I'll be fine. I want to. I think it will help, to know for certain."

She slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. Then she locked it. She could do this. 

She hadn't really been in here except to throw up in the past few weeks. It felt odd not rushing to the toilet. Idina took deep breaths. She was safe. There was no one in the room but her. Aaron, her big lovely Aaron, was outside. He would stop anyone from coming in.

She went over to the window and made sure it was closed then pulled the blinds down and closed the curtains. Then she pulled out the box.

Idina took a deep breath and unwrapped it, chanting 'not pregnant' as she did so. She wasn't. She knew what it felt like. She wasn't feeling it. Her breasts didn't hurt. The juice tasted funny, sure, and pregnancy messed up her taste buds, but she was pretty sure it wasn't making the juice taste funny. She knew Aaron had something to do with it. She'd snuck some juice when he'd been out. It had tasted fine then. She just could not figure out what on planet earth he did to it to make it taste so odd by the time he got it to her.

She smiled and looked at herself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time she just saw herself, not the sad creature she had become. 

Not pregnant.

And she was getting better. She was learning to manage the nerves when she wasn't retching. She could dope herself on Gravol to stop that. Then she'd start eating again, before Aaron shoved a milk-based protein drink down her throat and knowing him and her luck, somehow mess up her pipes for good. Then she'd do the responsible thing and call the cops. And they'd come and spirit everyone away to a hiding place.

The thought made her gut lurched and she jumped for the sink, knocking the toothbrush stand over. 

"Idina," Aaron called out.

"False puke alarm," she called back.

Or maybe not. She braced herself but nothing came.

The gravy had an odd taste to it too. It reminded her a bit of Child's Gravol. They'd run out of the adult stuff. Was Aaron drugging her with children's medication?

Well, if he was it was working. She would bite his head off for it later, that was for sure. She could appreciate it for now. 

Not pregnant. Two months ago she would have been giddy to be expecting. And terrified, but giddy. With Aaron to help her through it and her two children to love. It would have worked out.

Maybe.

Stop thinking about it, about them. That's what the blackmailer wants. To get in your head, Idina, to break you down and make to tear yourself apart. You're already doing it. Woman up. You can do this.

Just pee on the stick already. It's not rocket science. Nothing will happen and everything will be alright and you'll call the police and get a new phone number. 

She'd decided on that a few weeks ago, but the fear started eating up inside her the moment the blackmailer had crossed the line and she'd frozen herself in time and sealed herself away. Now she was breaking free and her heart was pounding. Her face was red, her breath uneven, her palms clammy as she gripped the sides of the vanity. She was alive. And she was Idina Menzel. 

" _Hey you there, that face in the mirror_ ," she sang quietly, the lyrics coming back to her.

Stop stalling.

It was making her smile though.

She was feeling better.

And she was not pregnant.

" _What the hell are you looking at?_ " she cooed to herself. Then she chuckled. 

She gripped the box and opened it. She pulled out the tests. She held them as if they might break. They would confirm what she already knew.

She could do this. She was Idina Menzel. Adele Dazeem. It did not matter. She was a Disney Queen and the Wicked Witch. But most importantly she was a mother and wife and she would do anything, even if it scared her.

And she was afraid. 

But she sat down, and took the tests, then she placed then on the counter and crawled onto the floor. She sat there, her back against the vanity, counting out the seconds.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Probably her mom or Cara. Those were the only people she would reply to right now.

It wasn't.

It was the blackmailer.

She was going to be sick again.

No. Aaron was drugging her food now because she was being stubborn and moody. She would not be sick. So she pouted and kept her butt firmly on the cold floor. 

_What are you doing? Send a picture._

She replied that she was in the bathroom and told him, using many choice words, to leave her alone.

_Picture, now._

She complied. She always did. A shot of just her red puffy face and sunken eyes cropped so they no one would know where she was.

_Sitting on the master bathroom floor, heh?_

She froze. How could anyone know that? Not without having been in the ensuite bathroom. Only her and Aaron used it, sometimes Walker or a guest... but no one would guess it from one visit. 

The fear that it was Aaron began to swell up inside her and she tried to push it down but this one was all too real. It was the only thing that made sense.

Even though it didn't. How did he text her when she was right there? There were so many unanswerable questions. Why? Why would he do it? He had no reason too. He loved her.

Taye had loved her.

SHUT UP! she yelled at the voiced, smashing her hand over her ears. She did not want to hear this right now.

Aaron was a psychologist. He knew how to mess with your brain.

SHUT UP!

"Idina?" he called out concerned, "why are you yelling, what's going on in there."

"I'm fine," she called back.

She heard him fiddle with the door. 

"Idina, let me in," he pleaded.

"Aaron, please I'm fine. Please. All I'm asking it that you stay there. Please."

He stopped filling with the door.

"How's it going? Keep talking to me Dee, you're scaring me."

"I'm sitting on the floor waiting for the results," she replied. "We need heated tiles. It's cold."

"I'm pretty sure there's a thermostat somewhere."

"No, we need heated tiles." And just like that, she was brought back to reality because Aaron could do that just by existing. 

"Let's talk about it when you get out," he said. He sounded relieved. He probably heard the change in her voice.

"Mommy!" She could hear Walker from the other side of the door. "I want a bedtime story."

"Just a minute pumpkin," she said. "Can you go wait in bed for Mommy?"

"NO!" he shrieked.

"Walker, please," said Aaron.

"NO!" he shrieked again. "I WANT MOM!" He pounded on the door. "MOMMY!" he wailed like he was dying. Aaron was probably picking him up and moving him to his room. 

Walker was spoiled sometimes. She heard the banging on the door again.

"Look, Walker, baby," she said. "Just give me one minute in peace, you can count it out, but only if you go to your room."

He seemed content with that. She heard his feet dash off to his room.

"One Mississippi," he started, talking as fast as he could.

It was now or never. She stood up and looked at the results.

Every single one had two blue lines. She was with child.

She threw up in the sink.


	30. Chapter 30

Aaron was not the blackmailer. He had no idea about the miscarriages until she told him.

Idina needed to keep that in mind, even if she wanted to bury everything about them deep down. Especially now. She was being unreasonable.

Because she was about to have another one. Any day, that sensation would start, then blood would spill down her legs and before she knew it, she will have killed another child.

Aaron was going to be devastated when it happened, and it would tear apart her marriage for a second time.

She started feeling faint. She leaned over the sink and splashed cold water on her face and counted to three. She could still hear Walker counting in the background. Walker was her miracle. Everyone got one, and she had used hers up. This child was going to die. She had to prepare herself for that. She had to prepare Aaron for that.

What was she thinking, agreeing to try with him? How had he managed to convince her that everything will be alright?

She had to walk out. She would have to eventually. Waiting made everything worse. That is what this last month had been. Her waiting for something terrible to happen. Now it had.

Idina closed her green eyes and unlocked the door. Then she opened them again and stepped out. Aaron was waiting for her, just as he said he would be.

He knew exactly what happened by the expression on her face and he was holding her and caressing her and telling her it would be okay. She could faintly hear Walker counting in the distance.

"No," sobbed Idina. "No, it's not going to be alright Aaron. Please stop telling me that."

"Maybe it will be-"

"No," she said, cutting him off. "Aaron, I'm serious." She looked up into his eyes. "This is not the time for optimism. I do not want you to get hurt. You are never going to hold this kid in your arms. Never. I am so sorry I agreed to this in the first place. I was excited, I was not thinking. Maybe it was because I never thought it would happen. Either way, it has happened now, and we will not be parents. It could be in a few days or a few weeks, god forbid a few months, and then it will die." She held onto him for balance. "I can't do this again. I cannot hope. You cannot either. This will destroy us both. It destroyed Taye and I. We cannot, you hear me? We cannot."

Her eyes welled up with tears. They say goodbye now. That was the only way.

"Dee," he mumbled softly in her ear. "We-"

She cut him off. "There's no we!" she yelled. "Don't you see. It is me. I am the one stuck with this. I will have to feel it every day and night and I am the one that will kill it. You do not understand. You could never understand. You are too optimistic. This is not the time for optimism Aaron, this is the time to say goodbye."

He stared at her in silence and suddenly, the weight came crashing down on her. She had yelled at him. Physically yelled at him. It was the one thing they had never done. It was their promise to each other. They had been wantonly vile to each other. Scheming, snide comments, deliberately doing things to annoy each other when they were mad. But they had never once yelled. They talked firmly, raised voices. They had never once yelled.

Idina had just broken that. It had been her request. They never yell. Because she and Taye had yelled. She never wanted to do that in front of Walker again. She never wanted to be so lost and senseless that she could not think straight or have her head pounding from the noise. And here she was, pouring that abuse down on her love.

Her hands flew to her mouth. "Aaron..." She reached out for him, but he backed away. "Aaron!" she said desperately, following him. She crashed into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'm so sorry, I-I-" she stuttered, peppering is neck with kisses before breaking out into a heaving sob. "Please forgive me," she whispered into his ear.

Slowly, his arms rose around her and he hugged her. "I do," he said. "I forgive you."

"Mom?" Walker asked from the door.

She turned to stare at her son, who was staring up at them wide-eyed, holding Mr. Rabbit, in his dinosaur onesie. He had heard everything.

"Are you and Aaron breaking up?"

The words cut her like a hot knife through butter. She wanted to say no, but could she? She had yelled at Aaron. She had done the unforgivable.

"No," Aaron answered for her. "We're sorry you had to hear that Walker. We are just dealing with some grown-up issues right now. We still love you and we still love each other. We have just made some mistakes."

"Is mommy alright?"

"I'm fine love," she said. "Come here." She opened an arm for him so that he could join in the hug. She hooked one arm under his and Aaron did the same on the other and they lifted him up so that he was face to face with them.

He wiped a tear from her face. "Are you okay mom?"

Idina nodded again.

"It's okay," he said, "I'm ten. You can tell me anything."

If only that were true. "I think I still owe you a bedtime story," Idina said, trying to smile. But she was snotty and wet-eyed and probably looked like a mess.

"I can read you one," he said. "I'm sorry for getting mad earlier. I don't want you two to break up," he said, melting her heart.

"We're not," Idina said hopefully.

"We're not," Aaron confirmed.

"Can I have my mommy back?" he finally asked.

"Yes baby," she breathed, kissing him. "Yes, you can, I promise. I will do my best okay. But mommy isn't perfect."

"Like when you forget to pay the tooth fairy?" he asked.

"Yeah, like that," she said.

She put Walker down and herded him back to his room. True to his word, like a real gentleman, he read her a short story. It was a _Star Wars_ one he had written for school. It was now Idina's favourite book in the world; she told him such as she kissed him goodnight and promised him that she and Aaron were not breaking up. Idina was pulling up her big girl pants now.

Aaron greeted her at the door of her son's room. "There are still things we need to talk bout."

She nodded. There were. There was no point denying it.

He took her hand and lead her back to their bedroom and they sat down on the lounge instead of on the bed. She apologized again because there was no excuse for what she had done. Idina swore never to do it again. It was out of line and uncalled for and-

"Idina, I forgive you," Aaron breathed. "Wholeheartedly. You were-"

"There is no excuse for yelling Aaron," she said. "It doesn't matter what I was feeling I should not have yelled. You should not have seen me like that. It's not fair to you." She was working herself up again. "I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. I swore I'd never put you there and now I have."

"Did Taye yell at you a lot?" he asked. He rarely asked her about it unless she was prompting him too. He never bridged the topic unless she brought it up first. In a way, Idina figured, she had.

"Yes," she admitted. "And I did the same thing. We were awful for and to each other in the end. I just wish I'd seen it sooner."

"You were with him for eleven years," Aaron rationalized.

"Longer, we were just married for eleven. And we spent seven of them in a perpetual fight. Maybe more. It all blends together now. Maybe it started even earlier. Sometimes I think back to something he did and at the time all I could think about was how amazing he was, and I'm sorry I doubt you want to hear me drone on about my ex, but when I look back, there are all these little things. The way he hated me hanging out with Kristin and Norbert after shows. Sometimes I wonder if we would be closer today if we had actually had time to hang out, you know? How jealous he was of the Tony. He made me hide it so that he did not have to look at it. He said when we both had Tonys we could display them. He made it sound like a dream, that we would both be acclaimed, matching each other nomination for nomination and win for win. I was so naïve."

Aaron let her talk. He held her hand and let her talk. He did not make her look at him, or discuss what else was hanging between them. He just listened as she poured her heart out. All her regrets. All her missteps. And when she was bare and raw in front of him with no barriers left to protect herself, he gave her his shield and said everything she needed to hear, stripping himself bare in the process.

And there they were at their most venerable, completely safe in the knowledge that their partner had them covered.

Aaron rubbed circled on the back of her hands. "You know," he started after a long silence. "There've been a lot of medical advances this past decade. We should see some specialists; they might be able to do something."

"I don't want you to get your hopes up," she explained again. "And mine." Especially hers. To Idina, the child was dead. It had to be, that way once the inevitable happened she could get through it.

"I still think we should see someone," he said. "At the very least to make sure there's no danger to you."

"We can't tell anyone," she said. "I don't want anyone to know."

He nodded. "I know," he sighed. He did. He was still trying to imagine it. He already felt connected to the thing growing in his wife's stomach and he had only known about its existence for less than a half-hour. He was trying to imagine not knowing what would happen. How happy he would have been a month ago. He could not wrap his mind around it.

Aaron squeezed Idina's hands. It had to worse for her. He would do everything he could to support her.

Her breathing had calmed a bit and she was staring at him wide-eyed.

"When we go to the doctors," she said, picking her words carefully. "I don't think the results will be good. I've barely been eating."

"I've been grinding up vitamins and sticking them in the juice," he admitted.

"That's why it tased to weird!" she exclaimed. "I knew you were doing something; I just couldn't figure out what. And you were putting Gravol in the gravy, that I could taste."

He shook his head. "We've been out of Gravol for two days. I made a fruit-based gravy, that might have been it."

"Well either way it was disgusting," she said. "You are a wizard at making food I actually want to eat," she deadpanned. Her tone shifted, "but yeah, we should see someone. We just need to keep it quiet."

"No medical professional is going to go talking to the press," he reasoned. "We can always go to one where there are multiple specialists so no knows who were seeing unless they're following us inside. Or maybe someone does house calls?"

"I highly doubt there's one who does house calls. They'd have to convert half the living room every time they showed up."

"I'd let them turn the whole house into a maternity ward if it made you feel any better," he replied. "I guess this explains some of the vomiting," he said.

"Yeah, I guess so. 'Cause there were times that I was throwing up even when I wasn't feeling that anxious. Which just made me more anxious because I thought I was anxious. And was always worse in the morning which was generally when I was feeling better, especially after getting outside and taking Erika to school."

"Well, at least we know now." He was not sure what else to say. Aaron also was not positive this was going to go away, but he was hoping she could push through. This was the clearest she had been in weeks, but there was no promise that it would last. Sometimes Idina just needed a good push.

"I'm scared," Idina admitted for the second time that night.

"Yeah," Aaron agreed. "Me too. Let's be scaredy-cats together."

"I hate your mantra right now," she said playfully. "But you're right. Just as you always are," she sighed. "This is gonna suck," she told him, looking him in the eye. "Like really really suck. And I cannot promise how I will be by the end. If you thought this was bad..." she trailed off, "it's nothing compared to the world of 'I don't care' that's gonna happen next. Talk to Taye if you don't believe me, I'm sure he'd love to tell you all about how terrible I'll be and how awful I am when I'm on anti-depressants."

"I'm here for you Idina when you need me. Just like I know you have been there for me. That is what a normal relationship is. Its both of us giving everything until one of us cannot then the other one stepping up for a bit. It is taking care of each other in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. You have been having a bad spell. I am waiting on the other end, doing everything I can to pull you through it. And not because you have done that for me. I do it because I love you and I chose to marry you and chose to be beside you always. This was my choice as much as it was yours." In a perfect world, he would not have to remind her what a normal, stable relationship was. But the world was not perfect, nor was it normal or even kind. It had, however, brought them together, even if it was late and Aaron was not going to waste a second of it. He'd known she was special back when they were filming _Rent_ and he knew Taye was a lucky man, though he never could have guessed how lucky Taye had truly been to have someone as amazing as Idina by his side. Taye had been such a fool not to see it. Aaron had no idea what was going on behind closed doors. He had practically waited all his life for Idina and though he wished her to be perfect, it was only because he never wanted her to go through anything terrible in life. He was here for her whether she believed it or not. Just like Idina was there for Erika, and Aaron was there for Walker. And Idina was there for him. They were all supporting each other whether they liked it or not.

That night he watched Idina as she fell asleep. They had done so much, chosen an OBGYN to visit, made the appointment and so on. They had to keep pressing forward.

Idina was so beautiful when she slept, curled against the pillow. It was the only time these past few weeks that she had looked truly at peace. Walker came in to snuggle just she was dozing off. He understood now why Idina whished the boy would never grow up. He was already missing the time when Walker would curl up with them every night and make them promise that they loved each other and would not yell at each other. Or the times when Aaron and Idina had still been dating and walker would corner Aaron and quiz him.

_If mommy is not getting out of bed, what would you do?_

_If mommy is sick, what would you do?_

_If mommy is mad at me, what would you do?_

_Would you ever yell at mom?_

He would never put so much weight on the last one before. It had just been another question; it was just Walker being protective. Now he realized that Walker should not have had to be protective. Now he saw that Walker was making sure Aaron would not yell at Idina. It had probably been Taye's answer to all the above.

Poor kid. He loved his parents and at the same time knew how awful they had been to each other. But things were better now.

His wife was slightly woken by her son, and she pulled him close and was soon back asleep. Things would not just go back to normal in the morning, but Aaron hoped they could start working towards it now that all the cards were on the table.


	31. Chapter 31

When Idina awoke the next morning, Aaron had already left the bed and was downstairs. She wished for once he would be there, knowing full well it was normally her who left him each morning. She missed waking up to see his face relaxed after a hard day or work.

Idina felt awful. Physically and emotionally. Walker was still nestled in her arms. She did not want to wake him, but she would have to soon. He had to go to school and Idina was fairly sure she was going to be sick soon. She did not want to be sick on her son.

"Hey angel," she said, shaking him gently. "Time to get up."

"No," he wailed softly, snuggling closer.

"You have to go to school," Idina said.

"No," he said again softly, cuddling even closer if that was possible.

She kissed his forehead and hugged him He was not going to stay this little forever.

Five more minutes, she thought. What Idina would not give for five more minutes without any problems, just her and Walker. She kissed his cheek and made him giggle.

"Up little man," she said, pulling the sheets from him. He squealed and giggled.

Aaron came up the stairs, holding a spatula. "Good morning," he said.

Idina smiled. "Good morning," she replied.

"I don't wanna go to school today," Walker said, jumping on the bed and hiding his face.

Aaron walked up to the bed and pulled Walker up by his ankles. The boy giggled.

"No!' he said through laughter, "let me down!"

Idina crept up and tickled his stomach.

"Stop!" cried Walker, full-on snorting.

"Will you go to school?" Idina asked, a grin on her face.

"Yes mom," he said.

"Aaron, let the kid go," she said in her commander Idina voice.

Aaron saluted her and dropped him on the bed. Walker sat up, laughing.

"Now I'm not going to go," he said in a singsong. "I'm going to stay here all day." He dived under the covers.

Idina went to jump after him but her stomach had different ideas and she lurched instead for the plastic bowl that had been perpetually by her bedside in case she needed it. Aaron was at her side in an instant, pulling strands of hair out of her face, rubbing her back, and lending her a supporting arm to put her weighed on as she semi-crouched, semi-kneeled by the bowl.

"Mom?" asked Walker, his head poking up from between the sheets.

"I'm fine," she said waving him off as another round of morning sickness hit her.

Walker crawled closer. "I thought you were feeling better." He reached out to stroke his mother affectionately.

"I was last night," she admitted through heaving breaths. She took his little hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "And I'm still feeling better today. How about you get changed and I'll see you in a minute?"

He looked upset, but he nodded and wandered off to his room. Aaron left Idina for a second, only to close the door behind their son. Then he was by her side again.

"How are you feeling, really?" he asked, holding her as she puked for hopefully the last time.

"Now pretty terrible," she admitted. Idina had yet to look at her cellphone, yet the see the barrage of messages that were sent to her during the night along with whatever demands the blackmailer had for the day. But now that she was thinking of it, she began to shiver. Aaron unzipped his sweater and wrapped it around her as she wiped her mouth off. "I think I'm done for right now," she said, leaning back into his embrace, holding onto the arm across her front for comfort and support.

Aaron kept that arm there and reached across with his other to grab the small bottle of mouthwash on the nightstand. "Here," he said, opening the bottle for her and holding it to her lips. She took a sip and swallowed it.

"That's awful," she muttered, her eyes still closed. She was still shaking from the exertion. "I can't go on like this," she muttered, leaning her head back into the crook of his shoulder.

"You'll get through this," he said, rubbing her shoulders, then kissing her behind her ear.

In the distance, a kitchen timer dinged.

"I've got to get that," he said. "Breakfast, if you're up to it. I have made omelettes. You have got to try to eat something, Dee. I'm not going to let you drive if you don't, you're going to be a danger on the road."

"Then how will Erika get in?" she asked.

"The bus," he said.

Idina tensed, squeezing him arm so tightly her nails dug into his skin. "No, you can't," she started.

"Dee, sweetie, it's just a bus. She's taken them before," Aaron soothed, rubbing circles on her upper arm and back.

"No," she stuttered, "you can't, it's not safe, you don't understand..."

Aaron turned so that they were looking at each other, momentarily breaking his contact with Idina who reach out desperately for him in a moment of panic. She found him again and hugged him, muttering repeatedly that it was not safe.

He took her by the upper arms and looked her in the eyes. "Idina, it's fine. I promise."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "you don't know."

"Then tell me Idina," he said, trying not to let his frustration show. Though she had probably already guessed he was getting flustered. "Dee," he said softly. He wiped stray strands of hair out of her face. "What are you scared of?" This was more than just the fact that she was pregnant, more than her being worried about Erika taken away. There was something she was not telling him; he wished with the depts of his soul that she would trust him enough to let him know. Then he would fix it for her.

She just shook her head, tears welling in her eyes and it broke Aaron's heart.

"Please tell me, Dee," he pleaded in a whisper, holding her face. Instead, she broke down crying. "Oh, Idina," he cooed, wiping her tears, and soothing her.

"I can't," she sobbed, her voice breaking. Her hands were shaking as she reached out for him. "I can't," she reiterated, "you have no idea..." She turned back to the bucket and threw up.

A few tears trailed down Aaron's cheek. He hated seeing her like this. He wished there was something he could do, he wished she would only tell him so that he could solve the issue.

"Aaron?" a cautious voice came from the door. They both looked up to see Erika standing there. She was wearing a long-skirted, long-sleeved dress Idina did not recognize as one they had bought in New York It must be a free dress day. "You, uh," she stammered. "I don't mean to interrupt, but-"

"It's fine," Idina said, wiping her face, "we'll get you in on time."

"No," she said, looking down, "it's not that, just, uh, come see. I'm sorry for bothering you." She scurried away back downstairs.

"What was that about?" Idina asked her husband.

"I have no idea," he said. "I'll go check..." but he did not want to leave her alone. He had been doing that too much recently, but what choice did he have? He still had to work. Someone had to volunteer at Walker's school. Someone had to take Erika to her therapy sessions.

"Come on," he said, helping her stand up and making sure she was steady on her feet before he started to move again. "I'll carry you if you want." He took her puke bucket and put in in the master bathroom sink, dumping out its contents and leaving it upside-down.

"Not down the stairs," Idina reasoned as he did so. She hooked an arm around his back. "Let's go see what's wrong. And I'll see if I can eat some of those omelettes you were talking about."

"Eat half an omelette and I'll think up a prize for you," he said as they made their way to the stairs. "Keep it down and I'll find you an award."

"You'd better not regift me my Tony," Idina warned.

"Why not, you'd sleep with that if I let you."

"No, I wouldn't," the award-winning actress argued. "It's cold and it doesn't cuddle well. Not as well as you."

Aaron chuckled.

"You big teddy bear," Idina added. "Believe me I know. I tried."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "Where would you be without me?" he asked teasingly.

"Sleeping with a Tony in a pullout bed in a closet, wasting away in some off-Broadway show," she replied affectionately.

"Then I guess it's a good thing I came around when I did."

They made it to the main floor. Erika had closed all the curtains, making it shady save for the cracks of pure sunlight that came filtering in. The girl was peering out of one apprehensively.

Idina and Aaron were suddenly aware of a muffled noise coming from outside the home. They went straight to the windows. There were crowds of people outside, some on their lawn.

"What are they doing?" Idina asked.

"I have no idea," replied Aaron. "They weren't here when I came upstairs."

Someone noticed them peeping through the window and the quickly jumped back, closing the curtain.

"Have you called the police?" Aaron asked.

"No," replied Erika, "I wasn't sure what to do. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said. "This isn't normal, you did the right thing by getting us, okay?"

"Okay," she said.

Walker came down the stairs. "I'm ready to go," he announces, then looked around. "What's going on?"

"I don't think you're going to school today honey," Idina said.

He smiled and went back upstairs. "Can I have candy for breakfast?" he called from atop the stairs.

"No," both Idina and Aaron replied simultaneously.

"Aw," he said. They could hear him walking to his room. He was loud, they needed to teach him to walk softer. It was not like their floorboards were squeaking. They had not noticed it until Erika came around, spending her time accidentally sneaking up on them for she was so light on her feet.

"I'll go call the authorities," Aaron said. "I don't know what they want, but I don't want them hanging around with the kids here. I will also call work and their schools. Erika," he turned to his daughter, "you can go back to sleep if you want. Don't worry about absences, sometimes stuff like this happens, the administration will understand."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yeah, don't worry. No one will hold it against you. If they do, let me know and I'll give the administration an earful."

"Thank you," Erika said. "I'm not tired though."

 _When had they gotten so chummy_ , wondered Idina. It made sense though, with her out of action, Aaron had to step up; that included being home for Erika. And Idina knew Aaron was not as pushy as she was, so maybe Erika responded better to his tactics. Either way, it was one step closer to them being a family.

She felt her gut lurch again. This time, she did not make it all the way to the sink, getting puke over the counter and onto her hands as she still tried not to make the mess any worse. Aaron was of course by her side almost instantly, and surprisingly enough, so was Erika.

Idina could feel her cheeks reddening at her helplessness. She could not do anything for herself without becoming a total mess and making more work for everyone else.

"Erika, my phone over there," Aaron said, "can you call the police?"

"Yes," she said, walking over to where Aaron had indicated.

"You're fine Dee," he whispered soothingly, then turned back to Erika. "Just tell them there is a crowd of people outside, some are trespassing. Say they are not being violent, but they do have cameras and loudspeakers, we are not sure what they want. Say you are scared and tell them about Walker too. Specifying that minors are in danger normally helps."

Erika nodded as he said all this, then she dialled 911.

Aaron brought Idina to the couch when she was done and tidied up. He was parenting all of them and doing a better job of then Idina ever could. And it was supposed to be her job. She was the independent one. She was the mother. She had her life together and was a superstar and was supposed to not care that she was a total mess. She was supposed to wear it as a badge of honour like she was real and relatable. The truth was she was just a normal mess like everyone else. And now she was forcing her husband, who had a full-time job like everyone else, to parent kids that were not his and take care of her because she could barely walk down the hallway unassisted.

Idina was the worst wife and parent. Maybe it was a good thing she was not going to have another kid. She could not take care of it anyway.

Aaron took the phone from Erika, the latter then going upstairs. He walked over to the kitchen and put some omelette on a plate and brought it over to Idina, prompting her to eat something. She resigned herself to the challenge, picking up the fork and eating a large bite, then another and another, showing it down until it was gone. She was eating for two now. And Aaron had gotten to her while she slept. If the doctors could do something, it would only work if she were healthy too. Which meant she had to eat. And keep it down long enough for her body to do something with it.

She was just frustrated about everything. She was the leader, the strong, independent one. Now she was fully reliant on Aaron stepping up. Not that it was a bad thing, it just was not what either of them had signed up for. Those dance lessons seemed quite trivial now. Either way, she was glad he had been able to step up when she was down.

She laid her head down on Aaron's lap, listening to his voice as he explained to the police what was happening, then calling his work and the schools to let them know he and the children would not be showing up today. As he did so, he ran a hand through her hair, sending pleasant shivers down her spine and rubbing affectionate circles on her neck and back. She grabbed his hand and held it on her shoulder and closed her eyes.

The omelette was staying down for now. Idina was hoping it would stave off the headaches if she fell asleep. She could already feel herself drifting off, unaware that the phone she'd left on the coffee table in front of them last night was blowing up with messages from the blackmailer.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter kinda gets dark. Nothing in detail, but still pretty dark.

Aaron put down his phone, then looked down at his wife who had fallen asleep in his lap. She needed sleep. Last night was the first night she had slept all the way through. And now they knew she needed it more than ever.

He stroked her face and saw her lips curled in a small smile. He felt warm in his gut. He missed these small moments. Her hand was still covering his left hand.

His eyes trailed down to Idina’s stomach and his mind began to wander. There was a little being in there that he had helped create. It could not really just go away in a few months, could it? There was no way he would make it that long without getting attached. The urge to place a hand on her abdomen was strong, but he resisted, knowing Idina would not like it.

He was already attached. It was less than twenty-four hours. No wonder Idina had been terrified. It was growing inside her, making her hormones spike. He swore he would not let himself get caught up so that he could be there when Idina needed him. She needed him now, and of what to come would be worse, he needed to be ready for it.

Not to mention he had to wonder what Erika would think. That woman in the restaurant said his opinions might change when he had a child of his own and he was no longer sure she was wrong. He loved Walker fiercely, but he did not feel the same connection with Erika. He knew it would take time, but he already had this instant connection to the fetus in his wife’s abdomen. Yet Aaron also knew he loved her. She was smart. She was probably talented if she would search for them or tell anyone what she was good at and passionate about. He just craved a connection and she was not giving him one. It was not just him though. It was the same for Idina.

Aaron would have to make sure Erika knew they still loved her, that they loved her just as much as Walker or any other biological child. It would be hard, but there are so many elements to this. He was surprised he was not throwing up from anxiety.

And Walker… They were not telling him anything yet, but if Idina started showing, he would be smart enough to put two and two together, and he would be devastated when the miscarriage happened.

When. Not if.

They had a doctor’s appointment next week. Aaron had already started to plan how he was going to prepare the doctor to make sure that she knew how to talk to Idina, what to expect. He hoped the specialist, her name Felicity Jackson, could do something. Dr. Jackson was not the best money could get; however, she was still incredibly good. Her clinic was located on the same floor like some other clinics and shared a waiting room with a marriage counsellor. They were hoping no one would start rumours about Idina’s pregnancy.

Idina was pregnant. He had never said it to himself yet. Now he had. It was strange. He should be excited, instead, he was dreading what would come next.

Idina’s phone was face down on the coffee table in front of him. He could see that it was being bombarded with text messages. Her phone had definitely been stressing her out, but Idina was an adult and he was not going to take it away from her. It was probably her agent and manager, trying to convince her to get on another project. They wanted her to ride the _Frozen_ fame as far as she could and were not happy with her taking some time off and writing a new album.

Idina had a few projects that she had been interested in here in Los Angeles, but in recent weeks, she had forgotten about them.

Aaron considered using some choice words to tell them to leave her alone for the time being. He had not bothered to tell them that she was not feeling well in the way he had with others and he knew his Dee would not do it. She always wanted to be the Rockstar superhero and admitting she was sick would tarnish that image.

She was his own personal Rockstar.

They went through each other’s phones often, not because they did not trust each other. Just because. It was fun sometimes, Idina sending no context messages to his friends and parents and them laughing themselves sick as she came up with weird and absurd responses to the growing confusion of his friend. Or when Idina had too many messages, especially around her career and her prospect, Aaron would go through them and pick out some fun ones. Or they would just scroll through it when they were bored.

This felt wrong. Maybe because he knew deep down that there was something there Idina did not want him to see. But if it would help him understand what was wrong and how to help, he was willing to take all the blame and cross that bridge when it came. All that mattered right now was helping Idina get better and he could not do that if he did not know what was going on.

He reached over and flipped her cellphone over.

Every few seconds there was a notification from an unknown number, spamming her. He signed into her phone. They knew each other’s pins. Neither of them had ever had anything to hide before.

The texts from the unknown number were still coming in. Blocks of text that must have been copy-pasted There was no way they could be typed up in the time it was taking to send them. He clicked on the number and scrolled to the top of the conversation. It started last night after Idina had left the phone downstairs. She must have deleted whatever else there had been before that.

_Remember to go shopping._

_Murder_

_Murder_

_Child killer_

_Murder_

Tens of text calling her a killer. Aaron’s blood pressure spiked as it divulged into rants about how terrible of a person Idina was for failing to carry a child full-term five times. Five times. He had thought it had been once or twice, maybe three times. Not five. Why had they continued? It would have been a risk to Idina's health, both physical and mental. She could have died.

Who was this? Who knew this information?

He kept scrolling. He might need a vomit bucket. Whoever this was, they knew exactly what string to pull on to upset Idina. If she were not peacefully asleep in his lap, Aaron would have scooped her up in the biggest teddy bear hug her could muster. They insulted her mothering capabilities, her cooking, her fame, her progress, her voice. Everything. They preyed on every insecurity Idina had ever had,

_Aaron doesn’t really love you_

_He’s just in it for the money_

_I bet he abuses Walker_

_I bet he’ll abuse Erika_

_Leave him._

Those texts were from this morning.

_Have you done it yet?_

_Answer me._

_Do you want me to remind you what I’ll do if you don’t do as I say?_

_You know what I’m capable of._

Then there were pictures of him, Walker, and Erika, all of them out and about. At school, at his job, Erika studying at the library. No wonder Idina had flipped when he mentioned the bus this morning. Why hadn’t she said anything?

 _Make sure you word it as I say,_ the messages continued. It proceeded to tell Idina exactly what to say. Things that would have broken Aaron if he would have even thought she would have thought them about him. Stuff about how he made her feel like a terrible human being, made her want to take her own life, made Taye seem like a god in comparison, how she wished she was back with her ex after meeting him.

How long had this been going on for?

He looked down at Idina with tears in his eyes. Why hadn’t she told him? They could have worked through this together.

He knew he should not, but he kept reading anyway. Aaron was in too deep to stop now.

_Have you told him yet?_

_Make it believable._

_You will hurt him, but not as much as I will._

_This can’t hurt you as much as I will._

Aaron was starting to feel physically sick. He stroked Idina’s arm, hoping the touch would calm him down, but it did not.

_If Aaron finds out, I will kill him, and I will make you watch me do it. It will be your fault. And I will do it slowly, painfully. I will take away those he loves first, then I will take him._

That answered his question. He closed his eyes and sniffled, a few tears leaking down his face. Someone was using him against her. He never wanted to be the means by which Idina suffered. And now she was being punished for loving him. If it were not bad enough that he had made her pregnant, he was also the source of constant mental torture for her.

He read the next wall of text. It described, in gory detail, exactly how much worse this could be than heartbreak. It described how whoever was sending the texts would make both her and Aaron watch as they hurt Erika and Walker. It described exactly what they would do to them both. Then it described how they would use Idina to hurt Aaron, and finally how they would kill Aaron slowly while forcing Idina to watch. Then it divulged into a rant about Idina’s worthlessness and how lucky the was that this stranger still wanted her alive. It then ranted about how he would force her to be the perfect wife, again picking on every insecurity Idina had. 

_You don’t want that sweet_

_Break up with him or else_

_You have till noon_

_Good luck_

That was where the messages ended.

Aaron was shocked. He could not even picture what he just read. Instead, he was picturing Idina reading it and crying as she obsessed over every gory detail in the text wall, how she would be imagining it in vivid detail. How she would be imagining him being tortured to death if she did not follow what was asked of her. How she would have to watch him suffer as he watched Erika and Walker suffer, then as he watched her suffer. His mind was already reeling with that description, how it would feel to watch the stranger do all these things they described to Idina, knowing that he would be subjected to them later to a fatal degree, then how she would be left alone with this madman.

He could not help it anymore. Aaron broke down sobbing.


	33. Chapter 33

Aaron called the police again. He was worried the crowd outside might have been incited by whoever was on the other end of those messages his wife had been receiving. If not, the authorities still needed to be involved. There were detailed threats toward him and his family. Attempts at blackmail. If this person was capable of acting on what they were saying, he needed to get everyone somewhere safe.

He looked down at Idina. She was asleep in his lap, but he needed to get up. And she should be sleeping in the bed. It was better for her back. Carefully, he lifted her up and carried her bridal style from the living room, up the stairs to their bedroom and laid her on the bed. He planted a kiss on her brow as he pulled the duvet and comforter up around her, tucking in her shoulders to make sure she did not get a draft. She rolled onto her side, pulling the covers closer. He had let her sleep for as long as she could. She was not throwing up when she was asleep. And she needed to make use of the food she had just eaten.

He needed to find an award now. He said he would.

He then went outside and found the kids in their rooms. He told them briefly to pack some bags because they were leaving and told Walker to get something to eat because he was not sure when they would eat again. As the boy went downstairs, Aaron went back to Erika’s room.

“May I come in?” he asked.

The girl was packing some clothes into a suitcase. “Sure,” she replied.

He came in and closed the door behind him. Erika watched him. He had a feeling that she did not trust him as much as she trusted Idina and he always did his best not to make her feel uncomfortable, especially in her room.

Aaron took a seat on the floor with a meter distance and the suitcase between them. “I wanted to talk to you about what’s been going on,” he said. “I know you know Dee’s not sick and you’re old enough and smart enough to know everything’s off.”

She nodded.

“I’ve asked you and Walker to pack bags because I think we’re going to be leaving,” he said.

“Why?” asked Erika.

“Idina’s been receiving some threatening text messages,” he said. “I just found out and called the police. They have said they will bring us to a safe house. I have a feeling it has been going on for weeks, causing a lot of the anxiety she has been having. They’re quite bad,” he said, not sure how much he wanted to tell her. He wanted her to understand and trust him and know that he trusted her, but he did not want to spook her either.

She was quiet for a moment. “Why are you telling me this?” she asked.

“Uh,” he was not expecting that question. “I just want you to be aware of what’s going on.” He knew she was still trying to figure them out. She had barriers up stopping her from seeing the truth. It was frustrating, but it was how she stayed safe. He worked with kids like her all the time and he knew how long it took and how infuriating it could be. He needed to let her come around in her own time and make sure he did not go therapist mode on her. That was part of why he had chosen Snow. Because they were not colleagues.

“Also,” he continued. He had to tell her everything. “Idina’s pregnant.” He paused, gauging her reaction. She was impossible to read. He got Snow’s frustration. As a father, it made him sad. “But she…” he swallowed. “In all likelihood, she’s not going to be able to carry it full term. So… things might get worse before they get better.”

Erika was quiet, but she looked down.

“We’re not telling Walker,” he continued, “because we don’t think he’s going to take it well.” He was not sure why he said that, but he wanted her to know everything. “I’m not asking you to do anything extra or parent Walker or anything,” he added quickly. “I just...” he trailed off. “I’m not sure, honestly. I just want you to know what’s going on.”

She was biting her thumb, contemplating. “I’m sorry,” she said after a second, “that’s awful. I’ll help out where I can,” she continued.

“Thank you, Erika,” he said. “I really appreciate it.” He gave her a lopsided smile which she reciprocated. She cared, he reminded himself. “Okay, they should be here soon, make sure you have a hairbrush, toothbrush, tampons, whatever else. I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”

“Yup,” she said.

“Have you had enough to eat?”

“Yeah.”

“Even if it’s all you get today?”

“Believe me I’ve had less, I’ll be fine.”

He was starting to get on her nerves, and she was lashing out at him. Idina, surprisingly enough, was better at navigating this territory. Aaron knew why, of course, but it was hard not to go into therapist mode. Without it, he was not sure what to do with her. Idina just knew. Always. He had specifically sent her somewhere not associated with him because he knew she needed privacy to work through her issues without them intervening unless it was absolutely necessary. Not to mention that she did not like the idea that she had to be fixed.

“Okay,” Aaron said. “You don’t need to worry about that anymore. I don’t want anyone starving on my watch.”

“We ate this morning. No one’s going to be starving today. Hungry? Yes. Starving? No.”

He was not in the mood to deal with this right now. And that is exactly why she was doing this. He had seen so many teens do it. They push you away when things are down because they expect you to walk away. They are pushing the boundaries to see when you snap. Then they get the validation of being right and their world view is reinforced twofold. No one loves ham and no one is willing to stick around when things get tough.

“Just make sure you have everything you need,” he said. “We’re going to be fine, I have it all under control.”

He could tell she wanted to make a snarky remark but thought the better of it.

“And be quick,” he added.

She nodded. “Okay,” she said, “thanks. And I am sorry about the baby stuff. That really sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” he agreed. “I just want you to know you’re safe here with us,” he added again. Then he got up and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

He went back to his room and packed bags for both Idina and him. Then he called the police again for an update. He was informed that they were quietly dispersing the crowd and had the house surrounded. They would be brought to the safehouse once the crowd was gone. He thanked the operator again.

He went to check on Walker, who had his suitcase packed with everything he needed,

Then he woke Idina up.

“Hey beautiful,” he said as she roused. “You got to get changed, baby,” he said.

“Why?” she asked, still muddled from sleep.

“I, uh, the police are coming,” he stuttered. How did he tell her? “I saw your phone Dee, all those threatening messages…”

“What!” she practically shouted. “Aaron!” She sat up, reaching out for him. “Aaron he’s going to hurt you and Walker and Erika, why did you do that? You have no idea what he is going to do. He’s going to…”

“Dee, calm down.”

“How can I calm down?”

“Because the authorities are outside, managing the crowd. Then they are going to take all of us somewhere safe.” He looked her in the eyes and tried to speak as calmly and levelled as he could. He knew he made her calm. She needed to be calm right now. Plus, stress was bad for the baby. There had been enough of that these past few weeks. “Idina, you need to trust me when I say I have this under control. Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I do, Aaron.”

They hugged.

“Good,” he said. “Because I need you to right now. I have got our bags packed and so do the kids. Once the crowd is gone, we will be brought to a safe house. After that, I am not sure what is going to happen. But we will be together. And we will be safe.”

“Are you mad?” she finally asked.

Aaron sighed. “I wish you’d told me when you get the first message, Dee. I was worried sick wondering what was wrong; if I’d been the cause of all of this,” he admitted.

“You could never be,” she comforted.

“And,” he continued, “I really just wish you’d trusted me. That’s all I want.”

“I know,” breathed Idina. “I’m sorry. I was scared and I did not know what to do. I thought he would just go away if I gave him some money, but then he started getting controlling and by that point, I was in too deep and I stopped doing what he said once and he sent all these pictures of Erika and these long paragraphs of what he’d do to her. And I swore I would keep her safe, so I did as he said.”

“I read everything,” he said. “There was so much that was sent just last night…”

“Can I see?” she asked.

“I don’t want you too,” he said quietly.

“Are you stopping me from using my phone?” she asked.

“No,” he admitted. He would never do that. “I’m just telling you I don’t want you to read it. It is awful Dee. We have other things to worry about right now,” he pleaded, knowing it would make her sick. He could not deal with her sick right now. This was too much for him. This was not what he signed up for.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay,” she agreed. “I guess it doesn’t matter now anyway since you’ve called the cops.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he agreed. “You need to get changed unless you want to wear that all day,” he said, motioning to her nightgown.

“Help me change?” she asked.

“Of course,” he said with a wink.

He helped her up and brought her a pair of yoga pants and a fluffy sweater.

“Bra or no bra?” he asked.

“Bra,” she muttered, pulling her nightdress over her head. “Pregnancy makes my boobs bigger and I don’t want to deal with more lower back pain.” Her back had been killing her with all the time she spent curled up in bad positions or keeled over the sink or puke bucked.

He tossed her one form the drawer along with a pair of underwear.

“I love you so much,” she said as she pulled the fuzzy periwinkle shirt on, making him smile. “I couldn’t get Taye to touch those with a mile-long pole unless I was in them.” She snorted. “Like I chased him around the house with them once. Now I realize that should have been a warning sign,” she finished with a sigh. “And it was a clean pair too,” she added. “Like out of the package new, no period stains or anything.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “I love you too.” He would let her chance him around the house any day with whatever she wanted if it made her happy. She could threaten him with dairy-based protein shakes if she wanted. Microwaved ones. Anything. As long as it made her happy it would make him happy.

Idina stood by the full-length mirror. Slowly, she pulled up the shirt and looked at her stomach, her hand hovering over it. Aaron watched her tentatively before taking a few steps closer.

“Doesn’t look any bigger,” she said solemnly. “I’m losing my abs though.”

“I think that’s a deal-breaker,” he joked.

She turned to him with a fearful expression. “Really, Aaron, I-“

“I was joking,” he said quickly, his heart pounding. He had messed up. “I’m so sorry.” He looked down. “Really, really sorry. I shouldn’t joke about that.”

“I shouldn’t have-“ she swore. “Gods, I forgive you. I should lighten up a bit.” She ran her hands through her hair, her face contorted with stress as she exhaled heavily.

“We’ve both got stuff we need to work on Dee. I won’t joke like that again unless you say so.” What had he been thinking?

Their attention trailed back to his wife’s abdomen. Slowly, Idina’s hand went to her abdomen. She looked down at it as her thumb drew circles over her skin.

“I want us to have a child,” she admitted. “I’ll pray to any god who’ll listen that this works out,” she said.

“May I?” he asked. He had been aching too. But this was sensitive, and Idina mattered most here. She was in the most danger.

With her free hand, he took his extended one and placed it over hers. Then, slowly, she removed her hand from below and he made contact with the warm skin on her abdomen. He smiled through the tears as he rubbed her stomach. His child was in there. Her hand rose over his.

He looked up at his wife. She was crying too.

She fell sobbing into his arms. “I want this to work,” she cried into his should.

“Me too,” he replied.

“Are we going to be able to see the doctor if we’re in hiding?” she asks, her face still buried in his shirt.

“I hope so,” he said. He had not thought that far ahead.

“I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, at least now until we meet the doctor,” she started, “but I can’t help it. You have wanted this for so long and I wanted it for you always, because I know what it is like even if I did not think I could give it to you. And now we’re so close and it’s all going to go away. All because I’m not good enough.”

“Dee,” he said, stroking her hair, “sweetie, don’t get worked up. We have no idea what is going to happen next. And you are good enough. Idina, you are. You are the most amazing person I have ever met.” He pulled away so that he could look her in her green eyes. “Okay?” he asked.

“Okay,” she said.

“Repeat it after me,” he instructed. “I am good enough. I have value. I am an amazing mother. Aaron is not mad at me, nor will he be. He does not think I’m a bad person.” They had done this before when they were dating. When she had gotten worked up over something Aaron would make her say things like that out loud. She was always good enough. She always mattered. She was a good mother.

She repeated it word for word, making Aaron smile.

Then he added. “If I miscarry, Aaron will not hold it against me. He will support me and help me through it.”

“If I-“ she shook her head.

“If I miscarry,” he prompted. They would finish this. She needed to say it, not just hear him say it. 

“If I miscarry, you will not hold it against me,” she said with newfound grit and determination. “You will support me and help me through it.”

Aaron nodded. “I am here for you forever,” he said.

“You are here for me forever.”

“You did not have to repeat that.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” She planted a kiss on his lips. “I think I’m going to hurl again,” she informed him.

He helped her to the bathroom and got the puke bowl out of the way in time for her to make it cleanly in the sink. His cellphone rang as she was washing her mouth out with mouthwash. There were officers waiting for them at the door. They were ready to take them to the safehouse. 


	34. Chapter 34

Idina and Aaron brought the kids and their stuff downstairs. They opened the door. An officer was standing there, and so was Florence, Erika’s social worker.

“Hi,” Aaron said, “come in.” What else was he supposed to say? He had never been whisked away to a safehouse before.

He looked back at Erika who was probably wondering the same thing he was: why was Florence here? His hand went to Idina’s. Everyone was wondering that.

The two visitors came in.

“I guess your wondering why I’m here,” Florence said.

Idina and Aaron nodded. Idina took Aaron’s hand and wrapped his arm around her waist for emotional support. He pulled her closer, still holding her hand.

“I have to show up because the police were called,” she informs them. “We have to check up on foster children and make sure the placement is still secure.”

Aaron and Idina just look at each other, unsure how they were supposed to react. If she knew the situation, she knew it was not safe. However, Idina and Aaron were doing everything to ensure her safety. Taking Erika away now could put her in more danger. They needed to test the waters and see where this is going.

“And with the events this morning my superiors believe Erika’s associated with you is putting her in more danger,” Florence said carefully and slowly, letting the words sink in instead of crushing them with it.

“What does that mean?” Idina asked.

Aaron wrapped his second arm around her. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife and he wanted to be holding her when someone snapped it.

“I’m here to assess the situation and decide how to proceed.”

“It sounds like you’ve made your mind up,” Idina challenged. She reached over to Erika and pulled the girl close.

“No, I haven’t,” Florence pointed out. “I’m just stating the facts. She has been in more danger since her association with you began.”

“How will you protect her?” Aaron asked calmly before Idina could say something. “We’re doing everything we can responsibly. We have the funds to keep her safe. If you remove her from our care and someone goes after her, what will your team do to stop it?” He was literally throwing money at the situation. He knew saying he cared would not do much because it did not solve the problem.

Florence nodded. “I know,” she said. “Again, I’m just here because of protocol.”

They exhaled. “Okay,” said Idina.

“However, I do have to warn you that if this continues the situation will change.”

Will change, not might change,

“We have no control over this,” replied Idina. She still had an arm around Erika and her other hand over Aaron’s.

“I have to inform you of this,” the social worker said, “that’s all. Your case is getting extra attention because of your public profile. You’ve done an amazing job keeping most of it private, but the higher-ups in the agency are paying extra attention.” She paused. “I’m just suggesting you try and get this cleaned up as soon as possible. You’re on thin ice right now.”

“We have no control over it,” Idina breathed. She sounded like she was trying not to cry. Aaron held her tighter to remind her that he was there beside her. “Erika’s ours.”

“That does not change the fact that if a situation becomes dangerous, I must remove the foster child from the family. I think you are better equipped to handle this than the system and have stated as much to my superiors.” They could tell she did not like what she was telling them. They had heard her say many times over that they were Erika’s best shot at this point. Erika was never going to get another opportunity like this in her lifetime, and everyone knew it. She was too old, and time was running out.

“Thank you,” Aaron said. “I swear we are doing everything to keep her and Walker safe.” He added in Walker because he knew Taye could use this if he wanted more custody. Or full custody. Especially if he could spin it like they were prioritizing Erika. He could claim that the two of them had a kid now so Walker could stay with him as he had more time to devote with no children. He could claim, not inaccurately, that thy could always have more. Or just put out plain and simple that Walker had never been threatened under his watch. There were so many ways to spin this.

“I know you are,” replied Florence with a smile. “And for the record I’ll fight for you till the end. I’ll leave now,” she said. “Stay safe.”

“Thank you,” they both said.

Florence left them alone with the officers. Aaron and Idina had briefed Walker a bit. He knew there was a bad guy out to get them and that the officers were going to keep them safe until the bad guy could be arrested. But not much more. No one wanted to scare him, but no one wanted to lie and tell him that everything would be alright. Like it or not, he was getting older. He would not be fooled by comforting lies anymore.

The officers briefed the family. They made sure no electronics had been packed to avoid tracing and confiscated all their phones. They then explained that they would take them to a temporary safehouse until the head died down, them move them to somewhere more permanent and comfortable. They were reassured that every precaution was being considered and explained the plan. They would be escorted to the vehicle; Idina and Aaron had been quick to say that they all rode in one together. They were not going to split up the family, even if it made their individual survival chances higher. They were also told that it was very unlikely the blackmailer knew they had called unless their phones were tapped or their home was bugged, Once they left the force would do a full sweep and scan the phones, then they would know for certain.

The family was escorted into the back of a large black van while their baggage was scattered in decoys with decoy families. This was all starting to get so very real, and Idina was starting to feel sick again. Not because of the little one, but because if she had been smart enough and brave enough and not stupid, she would not have let it get this far. If she had just called the police, the night they would brough Erika home none of this would be happening.

Well, she would still be pregnant in all likelihood, but she would not have jeopardized the child even more by worrying herself away. There was no way this child was going to make it. The fact that it was still alive was a simultaneous miracle and punishment. She knew she deserved whatever came next and she would take it knowingly. Aaron, however, did not. And it made it a million times worse. The world was punishing her, and Aaron was the collateral damage. Or maybe he was her punishment too, to watch him suffer just as the blackmailer had threatened, only this time brought upon entirely by herself because she was not good enough, not woman enough, to give him the one thing he wanted.

“Hey,” Aaron whispered in her ear, pulling her as close as the booth seating and seatbelts would allow, “it’s going to be okay. They’ve got everything under control.”

No, it is not. Nothing is under control.

She looked beside her to her baby boy Walker. What had she done right to keep him? She did not deserve him. She had put his life in danger for a relative stranger. She had no right to call herself a mother. She should have let Taye keep custody. She would let him take it from her if he asked. She would not fight it this time.

Walker squeezed her hand and looked up at him with his adorable brown eyes. His father’s eyes. “It’s gonna be okay mom,” he said, trying his best to sound grown up.

She smiled at him and nodded because that is what a mother did.

Then she looked past him to Erika who was suddenly to far away. The girl had said nothing this entire time. Idina hoped seeing Aaron and her say they’d keep her to Florence’s face might change something, but instead she had a feeling the social worker’s presence had tapped into Erika’s abandonment issues and now she was compartmentalizing and closing herself off. It felt like they were on a merry-go-round. Always moving, but never getting any closer because every time something would bring them closer, someone would hit the reset button and they were back to square one, only this time they had less time. And it was not like she had even been there for Erika these past few weeks. If anything, Erika had been there for her.

She did not let herself hope that it meant Erika was warming up to her. Erika just went through the motions like a robot. She never did anything that involved emotion. She only acted like she did to please them.

Or did she? It was so hard to tell, so frustrating to try and decipher what Erika meant or felt or thought when all she ever did was give you the cold shoulder until she didn’t, then without warning give it to you again.

Idina had known this would be hard, but somehow, she had just assumed Erika would be grateful not to live with people who hated her. She had just assumed Erika would be grateful for a lot of things that she did not seem grateful for. In fact, she seemed grateful for the very opposite. For example, she never skipped a beat when it came to being thankful for the fact that they fed her, yet she was just as quick to dismiss them when they said they cared.

Idina had just taken those things for granted before she figured. When she had been a child, she always went to bed with a full stomach, even after her parent’s divorce. She would have given anything for them to come back together and be the prefect family again and she had assumed Erika would feel the same way. Instead, Erika was so focused on the food she had never considered the family. She was content to stay where she was. Idina had missed it because it had never been a concern for her. She wondered if her and Cara had been starving, if she would have cared so much about them being the perfect family or if she would have flailed around like a fish out of water to get whatever scraps she could and stay stuck where she found them until she died. It was probably the latter.

Her hand went to her stomach again because it was never off her mind. She had known for less than twenty-four hours, and she had been asleep for more than half of them, and she it was already consuming her thoughts. She had seen Aaron’s face the second his hand had made contact with her skin. She was monster for doing this. She was going to crush him. And then ask him to step up and be her rock because she would be a mess like he had never seen before. And ask him to take care of children that were not his own, after she killed the only one he might ever have.

If he left her, she would not be surprised. And Taye would take Walker and Florence would take Erika and she would alone like she deserved. She would not be able to mess up any one else’s life. She could self-destruct in peace without fear of taking anyone out with her.

She felt Aaron’s hand brush against hers. She looked up at her husband to see that he was staring at her with concern plainly written across his face. How she was so transparent to him she would never know.

Actually, she did know. It was because she was horrible actor. Everyone said it and this was proof that it was true. She could not lie if she wanted too and acting was lying. And she was probably a bad singer too. Everyone on the internet seemed to think so. Everyone thought there was someone else who played her roles better, who did not have to work as hard, who had their life together better than she did. And they were right. There were so many people out there more deserving than her. She was brining Aaron down, leading him on. He would be happier with a younger girl who could give him what he wanted, not her old crown of a self. Unless he just wanted the money… he could just be in it for the cash and she would be stupid enough not see it.

No, she was stupid enough not to see it. He could be playing her like a violin, and she would never know.

“Dee,” he said softly. Did he care or was she hearing what she wanted too? “Honey, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she lied. That was all she was good at. Telling him lies. And she could not even lie.

“Dee,” he said in a disappointed tone, “I know that look, you’re not.” See, she could not lie to him.

He kissed her neck tenderly and it sent shivers down her spine and she hated it because she had no idea what she was doing and she wanted to smash her head against something to knock some sense into her. Or maybe to knock the stupidness out. Replace it with nothingness. Nothing was better than stupid.

She also wanted to believe he was genuine and fall into his arms and have him comfort her. She loved him so much it hurt. It ached. The thought that he… the thought that he did not feel the same was intoxicatingly painful. She was a moth drawn to a flame and she was about to have her wings burned off. And she they turned to ash around her she would still scramble to get closer. That was how it had been with Taye. She had written it down. The bridge on fire fell and she would have stayed there burning alive if it were not for Walker. And even then, she had been a frog in boiling water who had not even noticed she had been burning up until it was almost too late.

And here Aaron was, amazing and handsome and talented and funny and everything she ever wanted, and she could not tell if she was paranoid or in trouble.

The vehicle lurched to one side, pressing her up against Aaron and she slammed a hand to her mouth as if that might stop the bile rising in her throat. She could not even keep a meal down like a normal person. She was killing herself.

Aaron coaxed her hand down from her mouth and wrapped her in a safe, warm hug. She should just forget it, convince herself this was alright. She could be happy if she did. But what if it wasn’t alright? That fear always crept back in, stopping her dead in her tracks. Whenever she wanted to get lost in his eyes, or get swept up in a hug, or fall asleep on his chest, it all came back telling her that this could be fake and lie. She had been blissfully ignorant once before and it had cost her everything.

Idina closed her eyes, leaned against his chest, and tried.

Aaron loves me. Aaron cares about me. Aaron wants me. Aaron wants me to give him a child. I cannot give him a child. Aaron will hate me.

She should have stopped those messages. Now she could not get them out of her head.

She was lucky someone had stowed vomit bags in the backseat because she grabbed one and puked. When she was done, and trembling form the effort, Aaron took the bag form her white-knuckled fingers and stowed it away in some compartment somewhere. He ran his finger through her hair and muttered lovely thoughts in her ears until she stopped shaking.

Idina caved and curled up against him. She was feeling tired again. She felt tired every time she puked. There was a parasite in her abdomen draining it all away from her too. In sleep, she could pretend nothing was wrong. In sleep, she did not feel weak or hungry.

“Try this,” Aaron said, holding something to her lips. Maybe he did love her, or maybe he was just keeping her alive until she changed her will. She opened her mouth and he pressed some bread against her tongue. She could barely taste it. But she swallowed and he opened a water bottle and held it to her lips, then fed her more pieces of bread. This could have been romantic, instead it was pathetic.

He pressed something else against her lips and she opened her mouth again. It was an apple slice. When had he had time to cut up apples? He fed her at least half the apple, maybe more before telling her that she was doing an amazing job. She had kept the omelette down long and she was eating more. She was on the right track. Things progress slowly. By next week there would be subtle, yet noticeable change. She was amazing and doing so well.

He always knew the right words to say. Of course, he did, he was a therapist. He could manipulate her.

Yet he had been saying such things when they met before he got his degree.

Idina hated herself for even doubting him. It meant she was bad wife. Which just confirmed her fears that she was.

“Everything going to be fine, mommy,” Walker said, taking her hand again.

She should be the one telling him that. “Thanks, Walker,” Idina replied.

“Can I help you get better?”

“No,” she replied. “I’ll just get better when I do. Somethings are just like that.”

“But you always make me feel better,” he argued back.

“It’s mommy magic.”

“Can I have some mommy magic?”

“Sure,” Aaron said. “But mommy magic doesn’t always work on mommies. Try it anyways.” He handed the boy some air. Walker blew it at her like it was a kiss.

Idina smiled. “Maybe it is working,” she said. Walker smiled back.

Aaron’s hand slipped over the one she still had on her stomach. She put his hand directly onto her skin. He had touched her there a million times before, rubbed her, kissed her, caressed her, but this felt new and scary and she was not sure if she was okay with it. It also felt safe, which scared her because she knew this was the opposite of safe. If she let Aaron get too involved there would be no one for the kids. She was so selfish. Thinking about what she needed. That was all she had been thinking about lately.

It just proved her point tenfold.

“Do you want more apple?” Aaron asked.

I want you to keep talking, she thought. Idina was not sure why she did not say it.

“Only if no one else does,” she replied.

“You can have them,” Walker said. “I already ate.”

“Good for you,” Idina praised. She would have ruffled his hair, but she did not have the energy to do so.

She felt Aaron’s thumb rubbing circles on her stomach.

“Here,” he said, holding another one up for her. She went to grab it, but he said it was fine. “Save your energy,” he told her.

So, she let him baby her. It fine, she figured, as long as he did not get used to it. Eventually things would go back to normal. They had too. She needed to start taking care of herself again. It was not fair to put it on Aaron, it made her a bad-

“Want to tell mom a story?” Aaron asked Walker, pulling her out of her spiral.

The boy nodded enthusiastically.

“Once upon a time,” Aaron started.

“There was a kung-fu ninja!” he exclaimed. Then he looked over to Erika. “Erika, your turn.”

“What?” she asked.

“Your turn. Tell a line of the story.”

“She doesn’t have too,” Aaron said.

“There was ninja. Now what?” Walker persisted.

“His name was… Howard?” she said.

“That’s a stupid name.”

“Walker!” Idina scolded.

“Alright fine, even though it was a stupid name for a ninja, his name was Howard,” Erika corrected herself.

Aaron chuckled. “Howard the ninja had a dragon.”

“who could not breathe fire.”

“because someone had stolen his magical fire rocks.”

“and he wanted to get them back.”

“it was evil kung-fu ninjas from Howard’s old school and they bullied him because of his stupid ninja name. They had ninja names like Spider and Death!” Idina chuckled at her son’s enthusiasm. She was already more focused on the moment, on Aaron holding her and his hand on her abdomen. It burned, but it made her feel safe. Like he was protecting the one thing she needed protected.

“Spider and Death were unbelievably bad ninjas though,” Erika continued, “because they left clues for Howard to follow.”

Idina changed her position slightly so that she could settle into Aaron. He continued to caress her as she followed Howard the Ninja on his quests to steal his dragon’s fire back. Erika was good at this. Idina would have to remember that for later. The girl had some imagination as the brought up new conflicts or solved a puzzling issue Walker presented her with something witty. Although Aaron almost always let her succeed at whatever she made Howard do.

She found herself smiling, unforced. Natural. She was not as scared anymore. He phone was nowhere in sight and even if it was nothing mattered. She let herself get lost in the adventure.

“Hey, Dee,” Aaron said after a while.

“Hmn?”

“We’re here,” he said. Erika and Walker had already gotten out of the car. “You fell asleep I think,” he continued. “But that apple stayed down about four hours and you still haven’t puked yet so I’m going to find you an award, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied. “You can just give me my Tony though.”

“I will once we get home,” he replied, kissing her hairline.

“Aaron?’”

“Yes?”

“If I puked now would I still get my Tony?”

“Do you feel like you’re going to?” he asked, concerned.

“Answer the question,” she ordered.

He rolled his eyes. “Sure, you can have your Tony. Sleep with it if you want.” He sounded tense. “Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yes,” she said as he helped her out of the van.

She finally got a good look at the safehouse. They were in the middle of the woods somewhere far away. Four hours, give or take. It was exceedingly small, like shack in the woods type small. No, it was a shack in the woods. It was supposedly safe, and that was all that mattered to Idina right now.


	35. Chapter 35

It was one hundred percent a shack. It was all wooden. There were three rooms, a bedroom, bathroom, and living/kitchen room. It was exceptionally clean though. Just small.

“It’ll be like camping,” Aaron said.

“What about rats?” Walker asked.

“Grab a stick and hit them between the ears,” Erika replied. “Knocks them out then you can take them outside.” He stared up at her wide-eyed. “I highly doubt there’re rats,” she added, seeing his face.

“Okay,” Walker said. He sounded unsure how to respond to it.

There was a lot of room tough. Not as much as they were used to, but it would do. The kitchen was full, and the officers let them know that they could tell them what to get and they would keep it fully stocked for them. They were briefed on how things would go from now on. There would be limited outside content. There was a landline for emergencies, no internet. Erika and Walker could get schoolwork sent to them from their teachers and their handler would bring it in.

Idina was not keen on the term handler, but she bit her tongue. These people were keeping her safe. Why were they getting on her nerves?

Hormones.

She suddenly missed her husband’s hand on her abdomen.

They would be kept up to date on the investigation.

In private, Idina and Aaron asked them about their doctor’s appointment. Arrangements could be made for them. Of course, it would pose a risk, but they could get them an escort. They were not as far away as they thought, the drive had sent them in circles to make sure that if someone was following them, they got lost. It would be just over an hour of they went straight to the specialist. If there was an emergency, they could press 1# on the phone and someone would come and get them immediately.

Once they seemed set up, they were left alone. It was two in the afternoon.

“I guess we should unpack,” Aaron said, taking charge.

They went to the bedroom. It was slightly smaller than the living area with a closet and cabinet. There were three twin beds.

“I can sleep on the couch,” Aaron offered quickly, whispering in Idina’s ear.

“That’s not fair to you,” she argued.

“I don’t think we can share a twin,” he said. “It would be bad for your back.”

“I don’t want to be without you,” she admitted. “My mind wanders too much.”

Aaron looked at her and nodded. “Okay,” he said, “we’ll figure this out later. Let’s unpack.”

“Let’s unpack,” she agreed.

* * *

A while later, Idina was helping Aaron make supper. She had not puked since the car ride. Erika and Walker were in the living area, playing a game of battleships Aaron had found. The safehouse was pretty well stocked with food. They were making a stir-fry.

“You know,” Aaron said quietly, “this is kind of like a vacation. A lot of people spend a lot of money to be stuck in a cabin without electronics.”

Idina chuckled. “True,” she said with a smile.

They had opened all the windows. It was chilly for California, but she and Erika were still used to New York weather and found it warm and were fine in thin long sleeves, though Idina had been cold recently and was still decked out in her fuzzy periwinkle sweater. Walker was wearing long sleeves and a vest. She could hear the birds chirping and the noise of the cicadas. It was calming in an unexpected way.

“I’ve got it from here,” Aaron said as he added the last bit of seasoning.

Idina did not leave his side though. She did not want to be alone. There were things she wanted to talk about, but not with Waller and Erika so close and no walls in between them.

Supper passed in relative silence. The reality was hitting everyone.

Idina threw up after the super, brought on more from the unborn child and eating more then she was used to. She should have held back. She would remember for next time. This needed to be a gradual increase, not all at once.

A few hours later, Erika and Walker were reading in the bedroom and Aaron and Idina were sitting on the couch in the living room.

“Want to try something now?” Aaron asked, offering her some leftovers.

“Maybe a little,” Idina replied. She took the plate from him and ate a few bites. She stopped once she had gotten through about half the plate. Her stomach protested, but she did not want to push it. She had to keep it down.

Aaron watched her intently and took the plate back to the kitchen when she was done, then sat back down on the couch.

‘I can tell you want to talk,” he said gently.

“Maybe a little,” she admitted, suddenly unsure what to tell him.

“About what?” he asked, moving closer.

She looked down. “I, uhm...” she stammered, playing with the hem of her shirt.

“Dee, you can tell me anything.”

“I know,” she admitted. And she did. She was just too scared too.

“Earlier, when you said your mind wanders too much, what did you mean?” He asked this gently, indirectly, completely implying he would be fine if she decided she did not want to tell him.

“Well,” Idina started, still playing with the hem of her shirt, not looking him in eye, “everything, I guess. This, me you, us, Walker, Erika. Everything.”

“Dee, I want you to be honest with me and tell me everything, but I know that’s not always going to happen, so don’t worry. You can tell me when you’re ready.”

“You’re not mad about the texts?” she asked. She knew she had asked this before, but she still was not satisfied that he was not angry with her.

“Honestly?” he asked. “I’m more disappointed in myself for not being trustworthy enough for you.”

No no no. This was not what she wanted to hear. She wanted him to tell her that she was in the wrong. Because he had done nothing wrong. “It’s not you,” she said even though that sounded awful like she was breaking up with him. Maybe she should. She was hurting him. “I was just, I just… It’s not your fault, you’re perfect.”

He took her hands in his and her lips quivered up in a glimpse of a smile for a second.

“It’s just me,” Idina continued, “I’m… I don’t know, I’m just…” She sighed, looking upwards at the ceiling. Why was this so hard?

“Idina, if it’s okay with you, may I go therapist mode for a moment?” he asked earnestly. He was drawing circles on the back of her hands because he knew the feelings and motions kept her present.

She hated it when he turned on therapist mode. For an amplitude of reasons, one of which being that he was right. And more recently because it reminded her that he could manipulate her. Even asking this could be a manipulation. But she gave her approval anyways.

“I think that you’re mad at yourself and you want me to blow up at you.” He trod carefully, seeing how much he should say. “You want me to confirm what you already believe to be the truth and confirm your feelings.” He paused for a moment, wondering if he should continue. Maybe Idina needed to hear this. “And I think that the reason why it looks like me being mad is because of Taye. Because that’s what he did when something went wrong.” He had read the texts. They had prayed on all her insecurities and a lot of them were linked to what she had gone through with Taye. She believed them and believed she deserved to be treated like she was worthless. “You want me to get mad so this will be over, right? Then you can shut down and beat yourself up about it and move on?”

“But it is all my fault,” she argued.

“I won’t deny that,” he said. “You should have told me. I am not mad because everyone makes mistakes and you know you messed up. You do not have to do this to yourself though. Just like you explained last night, no one deserves to be yelled at. That includes you.” He ran his finger un her chin and coaxed her to look him in the eye. “Okay?” She nodded. “What’s happening is not your fault. You reacted to a crazy situation the only way you knew how to: taking control and diving in headfirst. I wish you trusted me more, but I also know that I have to earn that trust from you and I understand that it will take time and I will do everything I can to help you trust me, but I do not blame you for not, okay?”

“Okay,” she breathed.

“Want to know what’s been on my mind?”

“Sure,” she replied.

“I’ve been worried about Erika,” he confessed. “These past few weeks, though I swore I would not, I’ve been profiling her. It is so easy to take a remark or mannerism and see it in someone that I work with and I think about her files. I went through them, and I just can’t help but feel like it’s wrong sometimes, Like I’m invading her privacy and creating a profile I can use to figure her out.”

“I don’t think that’s wrong,” Idina said. “We want to help her in every way we can and she’s not telling us how, so we are grasping at straws.”

“It feels like cheating somehow.”

“You just have a skill set no one else has,” his wife replied. “And you have the tools to put them to use.”

“I’m also worried if I start using them, she’ll notice and go nuclear. I have seen kids do it. They’ve had so many people try tactics on them; they can recognize it and they lash out.”

“What were you thinking?’

“Honestly, I’m not sure yet. I have been watching her though, and she defiantly has attachment issues. But we knew that. What concerns me was her first home. That time is when people normally form close bonds that indicate how they will socialize for the rest of their lives and that got severed so abruptly. Then as went through the others, there was a clear pattern. She was afraid of connecting and was not connecting with the parents, so they sent her away and after a while, she stopped trying to make a connection and tried to get thrown out as quickly as possible. She also shows a lot of signs of serious neglect. Cooking, for example. I would not be surprised if she is used to not eating unless she cooked it herself. And she is good with Walker, probably because being older she would have had younger children dumped on her. And it is obvious that is responsible to some degree, so she would not have let them run amok. And she does chores without even telling anyone or being asked and has no individuality like Snow pointed out. It points to some self-esteem issues. And then I think back to the papers how there are at least two documented cases of physical abuse. She is probably terrified of us, if not us then me. Maybe terrified is a strong word, but I would not rule out the possibility that she has been hit for not doing something before. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it, but she always tenses up when someone hugs her or jumps a bit if you enter a room without her noticing, or even when it’s been quiet and then there’s a sudden disturbance. I think she has so many walls up she had no idea what to do with herself. And it scares me because I have no idea how to deal with it. And I feel like I should know exactly what to do and where to go. And then I fear the things I do not know. What if there were other types of abuse besides the obvious? It makes me worried that I could be freaking her out just by being in the same room as she and she would never tell me for fear that I would get mad. This frustrates me because, in my head, I should be able to do this. I should know exactly what to do. But I have no clue and I don’t want to make anything worse.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what I’m doing either,” Idina offered. “And I think I should, because I’m a mother and I’ve raised Walker, so I’ve done this before. And then I just stayed in bed for a month instead. I am sure I have messed her up more now. And you do not need to know exactly what to do Aaron. Parents never know what they are doing. Ever. I still do not know if I have made the right decisions by Walker yet or if I am setting him up to be a spoiled brat who cannot adjust to regular life. I just want to give him everything and that’s going to backfire one day.”

“I want to give Walker everything too,” he added. “If he asked for the moon I’d definitely have a second where I’d consider building that shrink ray from _Despicable Me_ ,” he chuckled, “then I’d tell him to get back to reality.”

Idina chuckled too. “Me too,” she said. “Although I might find a way to give it to him if he really wanted it. I’d consider buying it for him at least.” She snorted. “Thank our lucky stars he hasn’t asked us for the moon yet.”

“Only a live dinosaur and power ranger vehicle,” Aaron said.

“Only one dinosaur?” Idina asked.

“Yup, a T-Rex.”

“He wanted a dinosaur petting zoo when we first met. Well, reconnected. Whatever.”

“I remember that. Had it all planned out.” Aaron reminisced. “With drawings and everything. I think we might have those stored somewhere; I’d love to pull them out at his wedding someday.”

“And tell the guests about he thought he’d breed little ones to feed to the raptors,” Idina continued. “And make a life show out of it.”

“And the first time he saw _Jurassic Park_ and his takeaway was ‘it might be possible’ not ‘maybe I shouldn’t do this’?”

“We never should have shown him that movie,” Idina said. “It was a bad idea wrapped it caution tape.”

“Tell me about it. I caved and let him re-watch it and watch the other two and the two _Jurassic World_ movies. Tomorrow he’s probably going to want to go Dino hunting.”

“You let him watch five movies in four weeks?” she questioned.

“Probably closer to ten,” Aaron admitted. “He missed you and I wasn’t sure what to do.”

“I’m an awful mother.”

“Don’t say that Dee.”

“But it’s true! I sat in bed upset while I left you to deal with all this alone. I am a horrible wife too. I was being so selfish. I don’t know why you even want to be with me anymore, I’m a mess who can’t get her act together enough to take care of her own problems. You would be so much happier with someone else who could give you what you want. Someone younger and prettier and smarter so then you talk to her about all that stuff I never understand. I don’t know what you see in me Aaron, and I don’t want you to make a mistake staying with me.” She had finally said it. She pulled her hands out of his. She did not deserve his affection. “Don’t worry about me,” she continued, “I don’t want you to resent me later because you stayed with me to make me happy.”

“Oh no,” he breathed, bridging the gap between them, pulling her into his lap. “Oh Dee, oh Dee,” he repeated, stroking her hair, kissing her as she broke down in his arms. Everything was worse than he thought it would be. He had no idea how to respond. It had never even crossed his mind that she felt this way. “You are my world Dee, you and the kids. My entire world. You three are all that matter to me. I would give everything up and then some. I’m not making a mistake.”

“You don’t know that.” She was barely understandable through the tears.

“I do,” he said firmly. He loved her too much to even contemplate not giving her his all. If she were not crying, he would have wished for them to stay wrapped in each other’s arms forever. “I love you,” he whispered in her ear, repeatedly until they stopped sounding like words. He kissed her and held because he had no idea what to do.

“How do I know you’re not in it for the money?” she whispered when all her tears had dried up.

“What?”

“I think bout that all the time, Aaron. I’m a horrible wife; I don’t even trust you.”

“Dee…” he started.

“I know,” she interjected, barely audible. “But when I am not thinking about how you deserve so much better than me, I think about why you’re staying. And since I am awful, I know it is not me and then I start to think that is it is for the money. And deep down I know it is not true but that does not stop the thoughts from coming. You wanted to know where my mind wandered,” she said finally, “this is where my mind had been wandering.” She yawned.

Aaron swore internally. He took a deep breath. He needed to tread carefully. He felt like he was about to break down. Maybe he could not do this, not be her rock anymore. But she had pulled through when he needed it, and he would do the same for her. And he knew deep down she did not believe this.

“You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I don’t know if I can do anything to convince you of that, but I will do anything you tell me to do even just to try,” he said because it was the truth. He would singlehandedly fight a war for her. He told her as much. That included fighting for Walker and Erika and everything in between.

“But you shouldn’t have too,” Idina said.

“There,” Aaron replied. “Right there. You love me Dee and I love you. You do not want me to get hurt or be in pain. You are doing the same thing I am. You are fighting this battle against yourself because you are mad for making me do this. I am doing this gladly. It is all I ever wanted in life; I swear. Remember what it was like when Walker was younger, remember when you told me how it was for you but how much it was worth it in the end?”

“Mnhmn,” she nodded.

“One day when we’re old and retired and surrounded by grandchildren, this will all be worth it. You and me together.”

They were silent for a minute, Aaron rocking her back and forth and kissing her. He held her tightly, but not too tight as he feared she might shatter under his grasp.

“Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“I’m pretty sure you can,” he joked. “You just did.”

“Are you sure you can do the whole stay-at-home parent thing?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“But if you’re struggling with this,” she continued. “Like you’re going to get puked all over and no sleep and there’s no break and-“

“Dee, right now I have a full-time job. Because one of us needs to work even if I barely make a dent compared to you. If I am the stay at home parent, you will be out there, living it up and I’ll be at home taking home of the kids.”

“But you might grow to resent me or something. Or the kids. I know you love your job…”

“I love you three more,” he argued.

“I thought that too with Walker and Taye, but…” she trailed off, “if I had not been able to work afterwards, I don’t know how I’d feel. If I had been stuck at home, doing things I hate all day long and watching Taye out there, doing what he loved while he left me at home.”

“That’s not going to be us. You are not him. You are not Taye,” he repeated for good measure.

“I know but I don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into if the specialist had some miracle and we have a baby. I’m not kidding you’re going to get puked on and your going to have to store and feed the kid my breast milk while I’m out and definitely you’ll get peed on.”

“I think I’ve got the puking covered,” he said. “All things considered.”

Idina was mortified. “Oh, I haven’t, I haven’t hurled all over you, have I?”

He did not respond.

“I have, haven’t I?”

“Maybe once,” he admitted.

“I’m so sorry, that must have been awful. I never meant too.”

“I know Dee, calm down. It is fine. I know you never meant too. And to be fair, it was my fault.”

“Alright,” she conceded. “I’m sorry though.”

“Apology accepted, Dee.” He kissed her temple.

Her stomach growled, probably from all the effort that she had just spent crying.

“Want me to get you something?”

“I’m starting to think this is you subtly telling me you have a feeding fetish,” she muttered as he made his way to the kitchen.

“It’s not,” he said, coming back with a plate of fruit. “It’s the fact that I love caring for people and you’ve never let me care for you until now.” He wiped some hair from her puffy red face. “You do not have to be strong with me. I’m here to catch you when you fall.”

She took a grape from the plate and ate it. “I just hate being weak in front of people.”

“I know. And you are not weak. You are so strong and brave for letting yourself be this venerable. Honestly, I’m honoured you trust me this much.” He drew a line down her cheek. “I promise, ‘kay? I will love you forever. I will be yours forever. And I’ll stay because I want to and it’s my choice too.”

She nodded and ate a few more grapes and some apple slices. “I don’t want to have too much,” she said. “I want it to stay down.”

“Wanting to get better is the first step,” he told her with a smile as she yawned again. “I’ll help you get to bed.”

“I need to take a shower,” she argued.

“Okay.” He walked her to the small bathroom.

“Idina?” he asked.

“Yes?”

“I have one more question,” he said slowly.

“Yes?” Idina asked, sensing a change in atmosphere.

He looked her in the eyes. “You haven’t been having thoughts about hurting yourself, have you?” She could see the worry in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and feel it in the air.

“No,” she said firmly. “If you can trust me at all after all of this, please trust when I say I haven’t been.”

“If you do, tell me right away. This is not a request. I want to know the second it crosses your mind.”

“I know.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know.” She hugged him. “I know.”

“Because I love you Dee and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

“Aaron, if it happens though, I can’t go on medication if I’m pregnant. Even if there are no mentioned side effects, I am sure the OBGYN will back me up. It is bad for the baby either way, especially in my case. And do not tell me you know these meds. I have been to more fertility doctors, gynecologists, and even a few crystal healers than you could ever count. It would ruin any chance of this working and the child being healthy,”

“We’ll cross that bridge if, and only if we come to it,” he assured her.

“I want to tell you right now I’ll do whatever it takes to put the child first. I am not kidding when I say I cannot lose another without trying everything. I know you want to put me first, but I will be putting this kid first if the OBGYN says there’s hope. If there is none, then there is none. If there is, I am going everything to keep it, even it’s detrimental to me.”

“I hear you,” Aaron said, though it was killing him. He knew hos Dee and she knew how fiercely she loved. She would put him and kids before her any day, and if there was hope she would do the same for the baby. Their baby.

He helped her stand upright as she showered, and he washed her hair for her and towel-dried it. When they were done, they crept into the bedroom where their kids were asleep and crammed themselves into the twin bed. It took some figuring out, but they soon found a way where Idina was comfortable on top of Aaron. She was so light he could barely feel her. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered to her until he was sure that she was asleep. Then he let himself fall asleep.


	36. Chapter 36

They pass relatively calm. Erika and Walker were brought schoolwork to do, but there was not much of it and they spent their days playing games they found stowed away and hunting for dinosaurs in the woods surrounding the cabin. It felt like the four of them were an actual family for once. Idina and Aaron made plans to plan a cabin trip next summer, maybe up in Tremblant Quebec. They had heard it was beautiful up there no matter the season. And it was close to New York so they could take a flight down there and visit Idina’s parents or just enjoy the city since the girls were New Yorkers through and through.

Idina was still plagued by morning sickness, however, it tended to fade by mid-afternoon and she rarely hurled after supper if she portioned the meal correctly. Then at night, she and Aaron would curl up on the couch and talk for hours. They would talk about anything and everything. Sometimes they were laying themselves bare and other times it was silly. Idina kept on insisting he had a feeding fetish, so he admitted to having a foot fetish to get her to stop. Now she dangled her toes in his face whenever they were alone, and it sent them both into fits of laughter.

Sometimes they would just lie on the couch, listening to each other breathe with Aaron’s hand on her stomach. Those were Idina’s favourite nights. She was not sure how many times she had just fallen asleep in his arms, but she was glad to be constantly near him. She was going to have separation anxiety when they got back to the real world, she was sure of it. Aaron told her he would too and that they would have to deal with it together. But that they would eventually get over it.

It was the morning of the OBGYN visit. Idina got up early, her stomach growling.

“Hungry, arentchya?” she whispered to the little thing in her belly.

She looked around. Aaron was still passed out on the bed. Walker had kicked all the covers off his, so she went over and covered him again, planting a kiss on his brow. He was being so brave. Erika’s bed in the far corner was empty and made. She must have gotten up earlier then Idina.

Idina walked out of the room and Erika was in the kitchen, boiling an egg. Idina tried to make her steps louder so that she did not startle her.

“Good morning,” Idina said.

“Mornin’,” replied Erika.

Idina walked over to the kitchen.

“Do you want one?” Erika asked.

“Sure,” replied Idina. “only if you don’t mind, that is.”

“I don’t,” she said, adding an extra egg into the pot. “One or two?”

“Just one,” said Idina. She knew she needed to eat, but she did not want to push what she could keep down. She was already eating three meals a day plus snacks, though her meals were more like large snacks, the effects were already visible. Her face was fuller, her eyes less sunken and dark. She could stand by herself for long periods of time. She had not been cripplingly worried in days. She had one episode their third night, but her husband had dealt with it expertly and brought her around. Besides, the morning sickness would take over eventually. She was not really expecting to keep anything down until lunch.

She was still worried about what would happen when they went home, however she was determined to use this mindless time to get as better as possible. She owed it to everyone. And maybe even to herself.

Erika took the eggs out of the pots and put them on plates then handed one to Idina.

“Thank you,” the actress replied.

Erika smiled at her response.

“How’s the schoolwork going?” Idina asked as they sat down at opposite ends of the table.

“Okay,” she said.

“Need help with anything?”

“No.”

“What have you been working on?’

“Nothing much, just a composition for English and some worksheet in math and science and I’ve been looking over some plans for gym but there’s not much more I can do there.” She peeled her egg as she said so.

“What are your favourite classes so far?” asked Idina.

“Um, well, I like gym a lot. The teacher’s nice, and um, English maybe.” She picked at her food without looking up at Idina.

“What do you like about gym, other than the teacher?”

“We’ve been working on roller-skating,” she said. “I think it’s kind of fun.”

 _Roller-skating is kind of fun,_ _noted_ , thought Idina. “We could go to a roller-skating ring when this is all over.”

“Oh, we don’t have too. I don’t like that much, it’s fine,” she backpedalled quickly.

They were definitely going to a roller-skating rink when this was over.

“It’s fine Erika,” Idina said softly, “we can do stuff you like too, alright? There’s nothing wrong with liking something, okay?”

“Um, okay,” she stammered.

“I’m being serious though. It is not a problem for me or for Aaron. You are not a burden to us, alright? I just want you to understand that.”

“I’m trying,” she said finally. This was not her snapping at Idina, not exactly, but it was close. She looked down at her plate.

Idina got up and walked over to her. She got down on her knees so that she was more level with Erika.

“Hey, Erika, it’s okay alright? I know you’re trying, and I know this is hard for you, okay?”

Erika nodded. A tear fell down her cheek. Idina wiped it away and pulled her into a hug.

“You’re safe here,” Idina repeated, “we care for you.” She kissed the girl’s hairline. “You are doing so well; I know this is an adjustment and I know I haven’t been the best. Everyone is trying, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Okay,” Erika said.

Idina pulled back. Erika was biting her thumb. Idina had soon learned to tell it was something she did when she was not sure how to process her emotions. Aaron said it was probably reminiscent of thumb-sucking for comfort, but as she had gotten older and more emotionally mature, it became her default for dealing with things she could not properly process. Just like when someone bit their nails because they were stressed out or played with a hair elastic around their wrist.

Idina just hoped she did not break the skin. Human bites, even from oneself, could get infected easily and there were so many germs and antibodies and other things in saliva that were good or the mouth but bad in your bloodstream. She was not keen on rushing her to the emergency room because she and Aaron had accidentally overloaded Erika with unprocessable emotions.

“You know Aaron and I are going to the doctors today?”

Erika nodded.

“Thank you so much for looking after Walker. We will try and be quick, ‘kay?”

“’Kay,” she replied.

“If anything happens, you know who to call?”

The girl nodded again.

“I really appreciate you looking after Walker,” she repeated.

“I know,” Erika said, making Idina smile. “Good luck.”

“Thank you, Erika,” she said.

Idina sat back down and they both finished their eggs as the boys got up. After the dishes were done, Idina and Aaron left the kids alone to go the visit Dr. Felicity Jackson.

* * *

Aaron had done his best to explain everything to Dr. Jackson. Informing her she needed to be careful of her language, telling her they do not want to see the child, no matter what. He asked to not even breach the subject. He begged her not to get their hopes up with anything that had a high likelihood of failing. He told her they would not be upset if there was nothing she could do. He just wanted Idina to be healthy and safe. It was his first priority until such a time as they knew there was hope for their child, then, despite everything in his bones told him not to, he would put the child before his wife because he knew that’s what Idina would want him to do.

He spent the entire car ride rubbing her abdomen affectionately. How could he not? He was head over heels in love with this woman and she was carrying his child. Idina’s hand was lazily over his own the entire time. Neither of them said anything but they did not have too. They had been spending their night in complete and utter honesty in a way that was new to both. They knew exactly what the other was thinking right now. There was no need to ask.

They made it to the clinic in one piece and were escorted directly into her office. All the monitors had been turned away from them. They introduced themselves, then the doctor had Idina lay down on the bed and pull up her shirt. The first thing she did was take an ultrasound. Aaron held Idina’s hand the entire time and bit his tongue when the urge arose to look around at the screen. Then the doctor performed more tests and Aaron was there by her side the entire time, even through the more uncomfortable and invasive ones.

The doctor left to analyze the results and Idina put her pants back on and sat beside Aaron. She looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“You did great,” Aaron said.

“I hated that,” she admitted. “I felt like she was judging me the entire time.”

“She wasn’t,” Aaron said. “She was just doing her job. You have an amazing body. I’m sure she’s seen worse.”

“Yeah, I know, but I feel like she is a woman right, so she has been through all of this and she maybe thinks I am stupid or weak or something for being, well, for everything. And then I think maybe we should have gone with a man ‘cause they’re not always like ‘oh I’m a girl too I know what it’s like get over it’ but I don’t think I could bear to have a different man poke around down there with you around. And especially with you not around.”

“To be honest, I don’t like the idea of anyone but me poking around down there,” he said making Idina smile a bit.

“Me too. And I know it is silly because I have been to these types of appointments a million times and I know exactly what is going to happen. Like I said earlier I even saw some crystal healers. They practically suggested we do a threesome and paint fertility ruins on our bodies with ruby powder paint and some other stuff. I should be used to this.”

“Did you actually have threesome covered in body paint?” Aaron asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No!” Idina exclaimed, her face turning red. “We might have tried the body pain though. What? I was desperate. We had Walker, maybe it worked.”

“I’ll paint fertility ruins on you if you want.”

“You will not,” said Idina.

“I have a very steady hand; I promise I won’t mess them up.” He gave her his best puppy dog eyes.

They both snorted.

“There was this one guy, I’m pretty sure he believed himself to be a vampire.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I kept on waiting for him to sink his teeth into my neck or something.”

“Why haven’t I heard of any of this before?” Aaron asked with a laugh. “This is pure gold, Dee.”

“because I never thought I’d need them as a pick-me-up. Not to mention I can’t believe I was the one pushing for it. I must have been high or drunk or both. There were a few who were definitely burning drugs. I’m fairly sure I was high then.”

“This isn’t the point where to tell me you sacrificed a horse an ate its heart like in _Game of Thrones,_ right?”

“Moo,” Idina replied through giggles.

Aaron rolled his eyes. “From now on, my wife has officially done the Dothraki baby ritual. No wonder Walker is such a strong lad. Maybe you should do it again.”

Idina full-on belly laughed. Aaron pulled her into his arms. They were so silly.

“This is going to be fine.”

“I hope so,” she replied.

They waited in relative silence for Dr. Jackson to come back.

“So,” the doctor said, “I have some good news and some bad.” Idina squeezed Aaron's hand so hard her arm was shaking at the word bad. “Well, it’s all kind of mixed in together, so I’ll just start.” She put some papers down on her desk.

Idina felt like she was going to faint. Or vomit. Or both. The anticipation was killing her. 


	37. Chapter 37

“So,” Doctor Felicity Jackson started, “the good news is I know what’s wrong and it’s fixable,” she said.

“So, there is something wrong with me?” asked Idina.

Dr. Jackson gave her a sympathetic look. “No, not exactly,” she pulled out a diagram. “What’s happening is that your uterus is not forming a thick enough wall, so as the baby grows a few different complications can occur that end in a miscarriage.”

“So, I’m broken?” asked Idina.

“No,” she replied firmly. “It’s quite common and it’s faxable. What happens is either the fetus gets too heavy to be supported, or the wall cannot protect it from trauma. In some rare cases, the wall could break entirely. I am really surprised no one picked up on this until now. It is extremely dangerous for both child and mother.”

“What can we do about it?” Aaron asked.

“There’s an operation,” she said. “We make some stitches along the uterus providing the support it lacks.”

“And how successful is it?”

“Very,” she replied, “over ninety percent in most situations.”

“Most situations?” Idina echoed.

The doctor nodded. “You see, when you start menopause, one thing they don’t often tell you is that you’re likely to experience random bursts of fertility.” So that must have been why it happened so quickly. “However, since your body is no longer on its proper cycle, it will often drop more than one egg.”

“What are you saying?” Idina asked.

“I’m saying that you are carrying twins.”

Twins. No. She could not do this. She could not be responsible for the deaths of two more innocents.

“What does this mean for the surgery?” Aaron asked.

“Can it even be done now that I’m knocked up?” she asked. She could not bring herself to say the other word. Knocked up was disgraceful and stupid and rash and the things she currently was.

“We only do it after impregnation,” Jackson replied. “So, no fear there. The things with twins are that it moves the timetable up. It also means that we are going to have to monitor this closely. Normally I would want you in here every week, but I understand with your current situation this may not be the safest option, or even possible. There might be complications once the procedure is over, however, the earlier we get this done the less likely it will be.”

“How early are we talking?” asked Aaron. He could tell Idina was losing it despite the brave face she was displaying. He wanted to get through this before she completely lost herself. She needed to know this was going to be okay.

“Honestly, I would have had it done last week,” she replied. “If you are able, I’d like to refer you to a hospital and have it done tonight. Like I said, the earlier it is done, the lower the chances of complications will be. And with twins, they are going to get bigger twice as fast. It is my professional recommendation that you have this done tonight. I can get you an emergence referral for life-saving surgery.”

Aaron looked over at his wife.

“I want to do it,” she said quietly. She looked like a deer in headlights. Aaron felt bad for her.

“If you want to,” he said, “then we will.” She nodded in confirmation.

Jackson wrote up their referral and prescribed Idina some laxatives. She protested at first, but Jackson stated simply that the risk the laxatives posed was less than starting the surgery without them. She then walked them through exactly what the surgery was, how it would be performed, and any side effects they might expect. Idina seemed to sober up a bit. She liked facts and planning. The surgery was not dangerous. The issue would be later, to see how her body reacted to it. They would also need to make sure Idina’s uterus was expanding properly with the growth of the twins. With a single child, there was little to no risk, but the extra weight and size of the twins meant that she had to be monitored in the last trimester to make sure they do not burst.

“If you make it to twelve weeks,” she said, “I’d say you have a very good chance of carrying them full term, or at least until they’re formed enough that we can medically intervene. I don’t see any reason why this won’t work out as long as we monitor the situation and keep you healthy Mrs. Menzel. ”

“Thank you so much,” Idina said.

“Yes, thank you,” repeated Aaron.

“I know I shouldn’t ask, but do you want to see the ultrasound?”

Aaron looked at his wife. It was up to her. He kept his expression blank because he knew she would say yes if she saw how much he wanted this, and her mental state mattered more than his desire to view a photograph.

“Yes,” she said timidly, tentatively. Aaron squeezed her hand and tried to not smile like a maniac.

Dr. Jackson smiled at them and handed them the ultrasound pictures. Idina took them like she might break them if she held them too tightly. She broke into a giddy grin he had not seen since their wedding day and tears of joy welled up in her green eyes.

“Look,” she said, holding up the pictures so that he could see. She pointed at some blurry blobs. “That’s them,” she said quietly.

He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder as they looked at the picture. It was their children. He kissed her behind the ear. She was chuckling softly with a childlike grin.

“Thank you again, Dr. Jackson,” Idina said.

“Think nothing of it,” she said she handed over the referral and prescription. “I’ll see you soon.”

Idina nodded.

They got up and left, then discussed it with their escort. The hospital was called in advance so that they could prepare, then they phoned the cabin. Aaron talked to Erika quickly, letting her know what was going on, then he handed the phone to Idina and Erika put Walker on.

“Hey there Walkie-Talkie,” Idina said, using the nickname he was growing out of. She was clearly in a better mood.

“Hi mom!” he said cheerily.

“I’m going to be gone a bit longer than we thought, okay?”

“Okay,” he said. He sounded concerned.

“Are you having fun?”

“Yep.”

“Find any dinosaurs yet?”

“No,” he said. “Are you okay mommy?”

“Yeah Walk,” she said, “The doctors are going to help me get all better, okay?”

“’Kay,” he mumbled. “I love you.”

“I love you too, pumpkin. I will see you later tonight. Behave.”

“Yes, mom.” She could hear the eye roll.

“Is surgery scary?”

“No, this one isn’t,” she replied. “And besides, they let you sleep through the whole thing. So, I’ll fall asleep and I’ll wake up and everything will be better.”

“That doesn’t sound that bad,” he replied.

“No, it’s not,” she said. “I love you so much.”

“I know mom.”

“I know you do. But I love you.”

“Bye mom,” he said.

She chuckled. “Bye Walk, be good, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Bye.” He hung up.

“Everything will be fine, Dee,” Aaron said.

“I know,” she replied. “I’m nervous, but I’m excited. This could work.”

He took her hands in his. “This will work.”

“I don’t want to get too confident,” she trailed off. “Please don’t get your hopes up too much. This might work, but it might not.”

Aaron nodded. “I know what you’re saying.”

“We need to stay realistic, and I’d prefer more skeptical instead of more hopeful.”

“You’re in charge of this Idina. I’m just here to help you through it.”

“Thank you, and I know. I just do not want you to get hurt. I hate seeing you in pain, especially when it’s my fault.”

“Dee, if anything happens it will not be your fault. I want you to tell that to me. It is not your fault.”

Her lip quivered. “It’s not my fault,” she said.

“You need to take the laxatives now,” he said, handing them to her.

She read the label. “It says two now and one right before the surgery.” She unscrewed the lid and took two.

“Feel different?”

“No,” she replied. “It's literally been two seconds.”

“I’m anxious,” he admitted.

“You can’t be anxious Aaron, because I’m about to jump out of my skin.”

“Side effects?”

“No,” she said curtly. She was getting annoyed at him. He could tell.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” he said.

When they got to the hospital Idina had to use the washroom immediately. While the laxatives had calmed her nerves and were supposedly going to make the surgery a whole lot easier, they were also relaxing every muscle in her body and inducing diarrhea. She spent a good fifteen minutes in the bathroom before coming out. By then, the nurses were ready to prep her for surgery.

As they wheeled Idina away, he looked at the ultrasound again. His wife was five weeks pregnant with twins. He touched the pictures fondly. His little ones. He wondered what they would be like, who they would look like, who they would take after. Would they be girls or boys? He supposed they were not identical, so it could be one of each. He hoped for one of each. If this went well, he would be a father.

He still could not believe Idina was five weeks pregnant. It was insane.

Everything in his life was insane right now. He was hiding out in the middle of the woods because of threats and blackmail and his wife was pregnant. There was nothing in the growing up manuals about this. Such was life, he figured.

He wandered around the hospital, even though he knew he should not. He picked up some treats and a gift for Idina at the gift shop then got some coffee and a sandwich that tasted like sandpaper before going back to the waiting room. He wanted to call Walker and Erika, but he knew it was a risk he should not take unless it was necessary.

A doctor came in and called Idina’s mane. Aaron stood up right away.

“How is she?” he asked.

“The surgery was a success,” he said. “No complications. Everything went smoothly. She’s coming around now, but she’s been refusing pain medications, so she’ll be a bit loopy from the anesthesia and in a lot of pain.”

Aaron nodded and thanked the doctor. A nurse let him to Idina’s room One of the escorts was outside, making sure no one with harmful intent got in.

He knocked on the door frame. “Hey there chickadee,” he said. She was laying down in the bed, her eyes half-open. He walked in. “How are you feeling?”

“I think I’ve been stabbed in the gut,” she replied.

“Well, you kind of have been?”

“I’ve been killed in an alley?” she asked. “Am I dead?”

“No, Dee, you’ve just come out of surgery.”

“Right,” she said. She was looking around the room. “I like the flowers, they’re pretty.”

“What flowers?”

“Those ones,” she said pointing at the ceiling.

Aaron sighed. The doctor had said she would be loopy till the anesthesia wore off. Then she would be in a lot of pain unless she asked for pain meds. And knowing her, she would not. She would put anything in her body that could harm their babies. At least he knew she was a happy drunk. Maybe she would be a happy post-surgery loopiness person as well.

“I got you something.” He held out the brown teddy bear he had gotten from the gift shop.

“Last day of chemo?” she questioned, reading the sign it was holding.

“There was nothing else.”

“I love it,” she said, snuggling it and kissing it. “I’m replacing you,” she informed him. “This silly little guy never got me pregnant.” She tickled it under the chin as if it was a dog. “You like that, don’t you?” she asked it. “What should we call him?”

“Whatever you want honey,” he said.

“What did you all me earlier?”

“Chickadee?”

“Let’s call him Chickadee,” she replied. “Wait no, I’m chickadee. Let’s call him something else.”

“Whatever you want,” he repeated.

“Another bird name,” she decided. “Give me a bird name hubby.”

“Uh, Peregrine, Robin, Kestrel,” he listed off some bird names from the top of his head.

“We got to be careful though. If we give the bear a name we like, we might end up naming a kid after a teddy bear and then they’d get bullied for the rest of their life.”

“Red-wing blackbird?” Aaron suggested. They would never name a kid that.

Idina giggled. “If you name the kids after a bird, I’m going to get a divorce and change their names. Then we can get married again and have a huge wedding.”

Aaron wondered why she was joking about divorce so much. He was probably reading into it too much. He made jokes like that too sometimes, though that had fallen out of taste these past weeks. She probably would not remember any of this tomorrow.

Idina yawned.

“If you are tired, get some rest. You deserve it. You’re growing two people, you know.”

“But what about you?”

“I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“No, how many people are you growing?” She was looking up at him with the biggest green puppy eyes he had ever seen. If she remembered how to make that face when the anesthesia wore off, he was a goner. He would be doing whatever she wanted for the rest of his life. Not that it would be a bad thing.

He stroked her black hair. “None,” he replied, “but I’ve got to take of you and you’re three people, so I’ll go with three.”

“I feel bad for you, I’ve just got two. I guess I am three people,” she continued with a smile, “I’m so cool, aren’t I?” She played with the teddy bear.

“Yes, you are Dee, you’re amazing.”

“I thought I was a chickadee!” she exclaimed.

“You are. You’re my chickadee,” he said as she yawned again.

“We should call the girl Chickadee,” she said. “And then you could call ‘Dee’ and have the two prettiest girls on the planet run to your call.”

“The girl?” he asked.

“There are a girl and boy,” she informed him.

“I thought it was to early to tell?”

“Huh?”

“I thought it was too early to tell the genders,” he repeated.

Idina looked at him in confusion. “It is, what are you talking about?”

“You said we should call the girl Chickadee.”

“We should,” she said.

“How do you know it’s a girl?”

“There’s a girl,” she just stated, perplexed. “I’m high Aaron, don’t take anything I say seriously.” She was starting to look a bit less relaxed and a bit more present.

“I won’t, I promise.”

“This must be great for you!” she mused. “I’m high and restrained and you can play with me however you want, and I won’t remember a thing. Like didn’t you tell me I was stabbed? I’m already unsure.”

“I told you you felt like it because some had cut you up for surgery.”

“Right. I went under the knife. Wait until the tabloids hear about that. Idina Menzel visits a plastic surgeon, comes home with baby Chickadee!” She laughed at herself.

Aaron was grinning ear to ear. He loved her so much. He took her hand. “I’ll make sure it never gets out,” he assured her.

“I love you,” she said, stars in her eyes.

“I love you too Dee.”

She yawned again.

“Go to sleep Dee, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“No,” she said. “I’m going to be in pain when I wake up.” She pouted. “I want to enjoy this before I hate you for existing,” she said. “Because that is what happens when you make someone pregnant. ‘Cause like I’m going to be in pain and puking and all that and all you have to do is watch and it’s so infuriating because it feels like it’s all your fault I’m like this even though it’s not. And then if you can bear to stay in the room when they come, I am going to tear you a new one for putting me through this.” She gestured at her stomach. “I’m going to get so fat! And ugly. I was huge with Walker. How big will I be with two little watermelons stuck in there? I might explode.”

All her feelings and worries were starting to come out. And he was here for her.

“Dee, you can hate me all you want for this, okay? And I’ll stay in the room when they come if that’s what you want.”

“I won’t make you promise that; it’s loud and disgusting,” she replied, “because I’m loud and disgusting.”

“You’re beautiful,” he said.

“You’re only saying that because you can sense my pregnancy hormones or whatever and it’s triggering your fatherly protective qualities. Once the kids are gone, I’m going to be ugly.”

“I could never think that Dee, trust me.” He kissed her on the lips. They were dry. “Want some water?”

“Yes please,” she said, batting her eyes. Post-surgery Idina was going to be the death of him.

He reached over to the counter and got her some water, then helped her drink it as she was not supposed to be sitting up yet.

“You totally have a feeding fetish,” she said, her speech getting a bit slurred. Her eyelids were dropping, then jutting back up. She was exhausted.

“Go to sleep Dee, dream about it if it makes you feel any better.”

“I got it,” she said, “if I get pregnant and fat, then I need your help, then you defiantly have a feeding fetish.”

He kissed her forehead. “Just go to sleep.”

“Okay,” she said, closing her eyes. She put her hand out. “Hold it and stay with me?”

“Of course,” he replied, taking her hand. He rubbed circles in her palm until she fell asleep.


	38. Chapter 38

Aaron watched Idina as she slept. He had been doing that a lot recently as she had fallen asleep in his arms countless times in the past few days. It felt odd that she was suddenly a few feet away from him, just her hand in his.

She was muttering in her sleep, her eyes fluttering and her lips quivering, but she seemed peaceful. He could not quite make out what she was saying, but he smiled anyway.

A nurse brought him a book and took Idina’s readings without disturbing her.

“Everything’s stable,” the nurse informed him. “Let me know when she wakes up, there are a few more tests I need to de before I can discharge her.”

“Okay,” replied Aaron, “thank-you.”

The nurse smiled and left.

Aaron stroked his wife’s cheek. Her lips curled upwards at his touch, making him smile. He kissed his hand and pressed it on her forehead; he did not want to disturb her too much. She was growing two people for starters and she was going to be in a lot of pain when she woke up. He would let her have this time.

He picked up the book with his free hand and skimmed it to pass the time until he felt a tug on his hand. He looked up to see that Idina was stirring.

Aaron got up off the chair and kneeled by her bedside.

“Hey there Chickadee,” he said as her eyes fluttered open.

“Aaron?” she asked, her voice a bit hoarse.

“Yeah sweet, I’m here,” he said, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze and stroking her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“It hurts,” she whimpered.

“I know it does. They can give you something if you want, something safe.”

“No,” she replied, “don’t let them give me anything, please Aaron? Even if I ask you too. It’s a bad idea.”

“Okay Dee, whatever you want.” He hated seeing her like this, with tears welling up in her eyes and her jaw set to put on a brave face, but he would do as she wished.

“Like it really hurts though,” she said. “It hurts to talk; I didn’t think it would hurt to talk.” She ended her sentence with a small sob.

“Shh, shhh,” he soothed, stroking her dark brown hair, “don’t talk then.”

She shook her head. “It is ugly?” she asked.

“Is what ugly?”

“The scar? Do you think it will scar?”

“Oh Dee, I don’t care about that.”

“But it’s proof that I’m broken, and they had to fix me,” she said, “ I don’t want that on me for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t know,” he replied honestly. “But Idina, baby, you’re not broken okay? They did not fix you. You were never broken.”

“Can you look?” she asked.

He sighed. “Only for you,” he replied. He pulled the cover down and pulled up her shirt. “Good news, Dee,” he said. Her skin was tender, red, and raw, but the surgery mark was barely visible. There was a thing line, a hair width, vertically across her abdomen held together with minutes stitched he had to squint at to see. “It’s not going to scar,” he told her.

“Can I see? Take a picture please,” she begged.

“You don’t trust me?”

“I just want to know what to expect,” she said.

He complied and reached for his phone. Then he remembered he did not have it. “I don’t have my phone, we gave it to the officers, remember? But I promise you it is not bad. It’s barely visible now.”

“Can you trace it for me? I want to know where it is.” She tried to get into a sitting position but quickly fell back down in a gasp of pain.

“Don’t sit up, you need to stay laying down,” he said quickly, at her side in a second’s notice.

“Can you trace the outline for me?” she asked again, looking deep into his eyes. “I just want to know what to expect when I see myself in the mirror.”

“Okay,” he said, standing up. “It’s barely visible, but it starts up here,” he gently brushed his pinkie finger over the start of the mark, just under her bellybutton. She whimpered in response. “I’m sorry,” he said, pulling his hand away.

“No, continue,” she begged through gritted teeth. “You’re not hurting me.”

“Dee, I don’t think-“

“Just do it, Aaron,” she said curtly. He flinched. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“Hormones?” he guessed.

“No,” she replied. “I think I’m just-“

“Hormonal?”

“Will you stop? I am just annoyed, I think. Can you trace the stupid outline or not?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not, please just do it. I know you do not understand. It is not just about it will look; it is about them. The twins. Please?”

He sighed and complied. He did not know what it was like to carry a human being. There were going to be many things in these coming months that Idina would experience that he would not be able to understand. Maybe this was one of them. He had to help her best he could.

He brushed his pinkie along the thin line as lightly as he could. Idina bit down on her lip to stop from crying out. Then her free hand rose to her stomach and she poked at the tender area surrounding the incision. Her face contorted in pain as she ran a finger along the bumps left by the stitches.

“It’s so weird, they cut me open and fixed everything, and sewed me back up and if I were on morphine I wouldn’t even know if no one told me,” she rationalized through short, taxing breaths.

“Dee, you’re in pain,” he said moving back to the head of the bed, “please take something when the nurse comes back.” He pleaded with her even though he knew it was futile.

“No,” she moaned in a long, laboured exhale. “I’ve had too many painkillers and other medications before we knew about the babies, we can’t risk me poisoning them more.” Her forehead was clammy and beaded with sweat. She went in and out of squeezing his hand at regular intervals. She squirmed and took sharp, quick breaths through gritted teeth.

It was getting worse the more awake she got. The more she moved, the more she aggravated her stitches and more the more squirmed and so forth. Aaron rubbed her hand to help her through it.

He lowered her shirt and pulled the blanket back up and tucked her in with the teddy bear. He wished he could do something for her, but she was being stubborn.

“I’m going to get the nurse,” he told her, suddenly remembering his promise.

“No,” she said, her eyes wide, “no drugs, please Aaron. I can take it. I’ve been through worse.”

“No drugs,” he told her, “but they want to run a few more tests before they release you.”

“Be quick,” she said.

“I will be,” he kissed her hand before leaving and alerting the nurse.

She said she would be there shortly and seen him back to Idina’s room.

“I’m back,” he told her, pulling the chair up to her bedside. He planted a kiss on her brow. “We’re going to get you out of here, ‘kay baby?”

She nodded. “Mhmm.” She closed her eyes and smiled as he planted another kiss on her forehead.

The nurse came in a few minutes later and took Idina’s vitals, then took some more readings from the machines she was hooked up to. Lastly, she hooked a bag of clear liquid up to the IV in Idina’s arm.

“No medication,” Idina moaned. “None please,” she pleaded as the nurse went about her job.

“It’s not painkillers,” she said, making Idina relax. “It’s some vitamins. You are deficient in quite a few of them. They’re good for the babies,” she added. “On a scale of one to ten, how is your pain?”

“Nine, eight,” she muttered. “Eight,” she decided finally. “I’m pretty sure childbirth was worse.”

“Okay,” the nurse said. She asked Idina a few more questions and she wrote the results down. “I might want to keep you overnight,” she cautioned, “depending on how you progress in the next few hours.”

“Is something wrong?” Aaron asked.

“No,” the nurse said, “ not right now. There’s no infection and Idina’s quite healthy, however, considering her lack of nutrients we want to monitor the babies.”

Neither of them wanted to leave the children alone overnight, but if it meant that the babies were alright, they would deal with it. Aaron trusted Erika. He had been watching her for the past few weeks. She was less likely to burn down the cabin while cooking than Idina was and Walker liked her enough to behave for a night. He understood that mommy was trying to get better for him, even if it took her away for a while.

“How are the babies?” Idina asked.

“Dr. Jackson forwarded her results. There’s nothing concerning in her results; however, we just want to be sure.” The nurse left them alone again once she was sure they had no more questions.

She left them some cream that might help with the pain, but Idina took one look at the ingredients and refused it to Aaron’s disappointment. She did however let him use some of the oil to help her skin heal, even if the area was still tender and sensitive.

“It’s cold,” Idina said, her teeth chattering as he applied it. “It’s like the ultrasound gel. But different too, a different texture.” He listened to her ramble on as he rubbed the oils in as gentle as he could. “I want to sit up now,” she complained.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he said, “you’ve got to be careful with the stitches. Not just to one on your stomach, the ones inside too. Your body needs some time to adjust to them.”

“I know, I just hate laying down. I feel so helpless.”

He rand his fingers through her hair, massaging her skelp. “You are amazing, you know that?”

“So you’ve been telling me.”

“Does breathing still hurt?”

“Yeah, but I’m getting used to it. It’s more like an ache now, before it was sharp stabbing.”

“Still an eight?”

“Yeah,” she admitted. “I never thought my uterus was so busy every time I moved.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “It’s going to be incredibly busy now babe,” he said.

“Damn right it is,” she said, grinning. “We’re going to have twins Aaron! That’s going to be a lot of diapers.”

“And I’ll be changing most of them,” he said, “but you’ll have to show me how.”

“There are classes for that,” she said. “I never went to any, but if you want too, we can go. I had a midwife though, for the home birth. She did some coaching, but that was it.”

“I’d like to if you don’t mind.” He admitted. He was terrified of messing up with the only babies he might ever have. He wanted everything to be as smooth as possible.

“Then we’ll go when this is over,” she decided. She moaned again and swore. “I don’t think it should be feeling like that,” she gasped.

“Feeling like what?”

Her eyes were wide and cried out. “Aaron! Get the nurse!” Her gut felt like it was tearing itself apart from the inside.

He ran out of the room as machines started beeping.


	39. Chapter 39

Aaron bit at his nails as doctors and nurses rushed into the room. He was standing outside, next to the escort, watching as they crammed themselves into the room hovering over Idina. She was screaming, crying out in pain, tears flowing down her face as gloved hands prodded at her in her most sensitive area. She was begging them to do something, anything, even if it hurt, anything to save the children. The machines were screaming along with her.

A blue privacy curtain went up and his breathed hitched as he could no longer see his wife. More doctors came in and her screams of terror and pain died down.

Aaron felt a sharp jab as he pulled up some cuticle. He yanked at it some more. It was nothing compared to what Idina was going through right now.

After what felt like an eternity, the privacy curtain was removed. Idina was hooked up to more machines than she had been previously, and a nurse was injecting something into her IV.

“What happened?” Aaron asked one of them as they left.

“Her body was rejecting the stitches,” the male nurse said. “She started having contractions, which pulled against the stitches and caused some internal bleeding and swelling. We are currently draining the blood and we’ve put her on a sedative and laxative to help calm her muscles as well as an anti-inflammatory.”

“They won’t harm the children, right?” he asked.

“No, they’re safe drugs at low levels,” he replied. “There should be no negative repercussions.”

“Thank you so much for everything you do,” he replied.

“You may go in and see her if you like,” the nurse said. “They’re finished in there.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said again.

He re-entered the room as the last of the doctors left. He kneeled by the bed and stroked her forehead. She was semi-conscious.

“Aaron,” she muttered, her speech slightly slurred. “Aaron,” she said again, calling out his name. If it was in response to his presence or just the desire for him to be near her, he was not sure. She was not looking at him.

“I’m here Idina,” he said. He took her hand and grasped it firmly, pressing his lips against her knuckles.

“I’m losing them,” she whimpered through tears. “Aaron, make it stop, please make it stop. I’m killing them, Aaron, I’m a murderer please stop me.”

“You’re not losing them ‘Dina,” he said.

“I am,” she insisted, still squirming, never quite staying still. Her eyes were still half-open and glassy. “I can feel it.” She started crying again. “It hurts so much and they’re so tiny,” she continued, “it shouldn’t hurt this much when they’re this tiny.” She broke down into an uncontrollable, heaving ugly sob.

It felt like for the first time in his life, Aaron had no idea what to do. His heart was racing from all the adrenaline that had been pulsing through his veins the moment he had realized something was off. He could not think straight. All he knew was that Idina was not losing the children because the doctors had told him they were fine. He tried telling Idina that, but she insisted otherwise. She told him that she knew this pain and that she knew what it meant and what the machines were for and – she would pause the sob or shriek in pain – she was going to be a killer again and the blackmailer was right and her life was worthless and she went on and on uncontrollably. He had never felt so helpless and so useless in an exceedingly long time.

She moved around in the bed in clear distress, though her motions were minute and hopefully not enough to aggravate the stitches. There was now a small clear tube running out of her abdomen carrying away her blood. A nurse came in every fifteen minutes to check on it. Aaron tried asking them to tell Idina what he already knew, but no one could calm her. She was as dead set in her beliefs as ever.

Aaron resided to just soothing her and being there. He had no other options or ideas. Nothing he was thinking up was working. Eventually, his distraught wife cried herself to sleep and as she dozed Aaron wiped her face down with a damp rag to remove the sweat and wiped the snot off her nose and lips. Then he picked up the book a nurse had left with him a while back and started reading to her. He knew she found his voice calming. Maybe it would follow her to dreamland and help her dream wonderful dreams until she awoke and was rational enough for Aaron to reassure her.

It was called _Howards End_ and it was surprisingly good and relevant, despite the fact that it was written and set before the first World War. Aaron vaguely remembered Idina mentioning it and wondered if she had read it already, though it was not a title on their shelves in their bedroom.

He was midway through the book, his voice hoarse and cracking when she noticed the love of his life starting to stir. A nurse had come to check on Idina over a dozen times. He put the book down and was on his knees at her bedside in an instant.

He whispered her name as she roused, then kissed her forehead when she seemed present enough to register it. He wanted the first thing she knew when she came round to be an unadulterated act of love and compassion.

“Don’t,” she said weakly, “I don’t deserve it. I killed them,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry, I’ve killed them. I-I…”

“No, Dee, you haven’t,” he whispered back, stroking her hair and cheek. “I swear it, you haven’t You went through surgery, you’re in pain, the stitches got a bit messy, but the babies are fine. You still have them.”

“No, I don’t,” she insisted.

“How can I prove it to you, Dee?” he asked.

“I just know Aaron, deep down I know,” she replied. “There’s blood everywhere and I-“ her throat contracted into a high-pitched whine.

“Dee, please believe me,” he said.

“No,” she replied stubbornly. “I don’t want to go through that again. They’re gone.”

Suddenly it clicked. She had been reliving her past traumas, the miscarriages as the pain in her gut grew and she had no idea what was going on. She was so afraid of going through it again she had convinced herself she had lost them so that it would never happen.

He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. The look on her face was too much. Her face was red and puffy, her eyes bloodshot yet the brightest green he had ever seen, and she wore the expression of someone who would never be happy again. Her bottom lip quivered in the most depressing manner. He had never seen someone who looked as broken as she did at that moment. No, broken was not quite the right word. Shattered, destroyed, completely and destroyed. She was a hollowed-out shell of herself; no Idina left insight.

Idina had been right. Those weeks of self-hatred were nothing compared to the world of Idina after a miscarriage, even a fake one.

Aaron had no idea how to deal with it. Idina was his wife, not his client. He could not see straight with her.

Idina lay there, looking miserable, clutching the teddy bear he had gotten her earlier in the day. It must be nearing midnight by now. He checked his watch. It was tomorrow. The kids would be, or at least they should be, asleep by now. Walker would be worried sick, possibly literally and Erika would… she could be a multitude of things, but he feared she would think they had abandoned her in a cabin in the woods with a little boy to take care of. Any progress they made would soon be undone. It was not like she had trusted them to begin with. They had told her she could trust them and now they were proving her right, or at least that is how she would see it. They would come through that door eventually and she would not see it as them keeping their promise, for she would have already resigned them to abandonment.

A nurse came in, the male one Aaron had spoken to earlier. His name was David.

Upon seeing Idina awake, David said he wanted to do an ultrasound.

“No!” Idina shrieked, making everyone jump. “No,” she said again.

“I have too,” David replied.

Idina broke down sobbing, holding her scrub shirt down so that no one could get at it. David threatened to restrain her. She did not comply, and Aaron was asked to leave the room, prompting another outburst from Idina, who did not want to be without him.

Heavy-hearted, Aaron left, knowing he had to leave this to the professionals. They restrained her and did the ultrasound to Idina’s muffled protests. When they were done, they put her on painkillers and gave her another sedative. Enough was enough. If she did not settle down soon, they might have her committed. Then they informed Aaron that the bleeding had stopped, and they were going to remove the tube. They told him that the twins were fine and unharmed.

He sighed a breath of relief. Finally, some good news. He eyes trailed over to his wife, who was now being pumped full of the one thing she had not wanted, the one thing that would have made it hard for her to notice that something had been wrong in the first place and the one thing that might have prevented the earlier outburst. It had been decided that Idina was in no position to be making any sort of medical decision, much like someone who was blackout drunk, and since Aaron had not yet been granted to power to make those decisions for her, it fell to the discretion of the nurses, who promptly decided to put her on painkillers in hopes that it would prevent any further outbursts.

He and Idina would have a lot of legal stuff to go over later. Originally, Idina had not wanted them to get all tied up together, still caught up in just how stuck and entwined she had been with Taye. Now there was almost nothing Aaron could do. They needed to go over their papers, make some new ones. He would even sign a prenup. Not that he had not offered to, but this time they would do it, so she would know he was not staying for the money. It was weird that finances were the one thing they had not bothered to keep separate. He loved her, but sometimes she was just too much. But that was what happened when one fell in love with Idina Menzel, the loudmouth dreamer from Long Island who would not take no for an answer.

He sat back down in the room once everything was over and started reading right where he had left off. This time, Idina was not sleeping peacefully. She was moaning her sleep, tossing, and turning. Aaron could not make much other than the occasional “no”. But she eventually fell into a sleep-like death by three in the morning and by four Aaron had dozed off in the chair.

They were both awoken the next morning by doctors looking to examine Idina and asking that Aaron leave the room. The last thing he wanted to do was leave her again and he had half the mind to give them an earful, but they were the ones making sure his wife and two children made it through the rest of the day and all the subsequent days until the delivery so he succumbed to their power and left the room.

His stomach was growling so he went to the cafeteria, bought something to eat, then sat down in the corner and pulled out the ultrasound Dr. Jackson had given them. He stared at the tiny blobs for a while until he broke down crying from the stress of it all.

He was mad at Idina for being so stubborn, for putting him in this position. How was he supposed to look after someone who could not look after themselves? He could not.

Then guilt hit him like a sumo wrestler. She was having a mental breakdown because of him. Because he pushed her to try for a baby because he had not been trustworthy enough to confide in about the miscarriages or about the blackmailer.

Then again, Idina had lied to him. Aaron knew she would open up about Taye in her own time, if ever, but it was some of his business. There were clearly things he needed to know that she was just not telling him.

He looked back at the picture. Those were his children, growing in his wife who needed him more than ever right now.

She had been needed him more than ever for the better part of five-month. She had been neglecting Walker in favour of some stranger. He had been the one who had picked up her slack and taken care of Walker when Taye dropped him off. He let himself be walked all over like a babysitter because she could not come home. And she had thanked him by shutting down and lying to him and putting him and Walker and Erika in more danger. She had been right; she had failed everyone.

Aaron needed a long walk alone. He was not sure he could do this anymore.


	40. Chapter 40

Aaron wandered around the hospital for a while, his hands in his pockets, his head lowered. He knew the escort would be searching for him, but he did not care. He wanted to go outside, get some fresh air, blow off some steam, but getting abducted would not fix his problems. It would just get him killed.

The more he walked, the calmer he got. He was not mad at Idina. He was stressed and she was making him stressed. She was probably stressed too. He had not had any me time in months and it was coming back to bite him in the butt. He would use this walk to clear his head.

He stopped thinking, just wandering. He found a small corner with a comfortable armchair where there was little to no traffic. He yawned. How much sleep had he gotten last night? He doubted it was more than a few hours. No wonder he was grumpy.

He nodded off quickly, before he even realized what was happening, and got a good, long, dreamless sleep.

* * *

He woke up feeling refreshed, and very disoriented. His arm was aching. The walls were unfamiliar, the last place he had been… Idina!

Aaron jumped upright. Where was Idina? Hadn’t he been sleeping in the armchair beside her? He looked around. The walls were a mustard yellow, not the baby blue of her room.

He checked his watch. It was mind-afternoon. He swore and started walking down the hallways, looking for a sign, anything, that would point him in the right direction. It took him a good hour and a half before he came stumbling back to her recovery room with a few snacks for his troubles. He did want to dip into low blood sugar annoyance in his current state, and he had found a type of oatmeal cookie Idina liked. If she was allowed to eat, it would be the beginning of his apology.

The escort jumped on him at once, asking him where he had been and scolding him for running off.

“Aaron?” came the most beautiful voice in the world half-way through the escort’s tirade.

Aaron pushed past the escort into Idina’s room. She was not sitting upright exactly, more like she was propped up with a bunch of pillows. She looked like she had when they had entered hiding, her eyes dark and sunken, her body frail, and her posture soft. A wave of relief washed over her face when she saw him, her eyes lighting up.

“Where were you?” she asked.

“I just want out for a walk,” he replied. He stood near the door, afraid to encroach on her space until he had felt out the room.

“Outside?” Her eyes were wide with fear and her voice dripped with worry.

“No,” he said, “just around the hospital.”

“You’ve been gone for over five hours,” she said, something caught in her throat.

“I know,” he said. He did not reason that he had fallen asleep.

“I was so worried,” she continued.

“I know,” he repeated.

“Where did you go?”

“I was just walking around. I needed to clear my head.” He did not want to unpack this here, unpack this now. This was the type of thing they talked about on the couch when the children were asleep, while they held each other, in between kisses and glances and jokes, not here in a hospital room surrounded by people.

He was still hanging by the door, waiting for an invitation in.

“Come here?” she asked, outstretching an arm and the invitation.

He melted into a smile and took her hand as she pulled him close.

“I was so scared you had…” she did not have the nerve to finish the sentence. She did not have to finish it. Died, run off, what did it matter? He had not been there for her.

“I fell asleep somewhere,” he said, “then I couldn’t find my way back. I found an oatmeal cookie though,” he said, holing the plastic bag up.

She smiled, but it was forced.

“I’m sorry, Dee,” he said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I know,” she said this time, “but you did. You really did,” she repeated, her breath heavy.

“I’m here now,” he offered, holing up the cookie.

She took it from him but struggled to unwrap it. He opened the package for her and gave her the cookie, which she ate.

“I don’t think I’ve had solid food in over a day,” she muttered. “Just IV nutrients.”

“Are you allowed to eat?” He should have asked that sooner.

“I have no idea, but my stomach is killing me,” she replied, “and I don’t want to start puking whenever I swallow something again. I just got over that.”

“Yeah you did,” he agreed. “You’re amazing.”

“Did you have a good sleep?”

“Yeah.”

They continued, meaningless small talk until Idina finally popped the bubble.

“What were you thinking about?”

“Dee….”

“You can tell me anything,” she said, using his words against him. Though she did not seem present enough to be doing it maliciously. There were clearly still drugs and painkillers in her system from the slow and soft way she was talking.

“Everything,” he answered. Her mind was already burdened, he did not want to make it more so. “We can talk later, in private,” he said.

She reached out a scuffled his beard. “All right,” she said, “you’re getting shaggier than usual,” she said absentmindedly.

“How are you?” he asked. He wanted to know she was alight. She seemed okay, but he wanted her to say it.

She did not say anything right away and she looked down, her face set. “I don’t feel good,” she admitted.

“Why?” he asked.

“I just don’t,’ she said, looking away.

“Hey, hey, it’s fine Dee. You have just been through surgery and you nearly rejected it, you have every right not to feel fine.”

She nodded. “But I’m, I’m not sure why,” she said. “I just feel off.” Her brow furrowed. “Everything is fuzzy,” she said, staring intently ahead of her. She looked back at him and ran a hand through his hair and smiled. “I’m glad you’re here now,” she said.

He took her hand and kissed her palm, then placed it back on his face, holding it there. “Me too,” he replied. Her thumb rubbed light circles on his cheek.

“They said I could leave soon,” Idina informed him.

“That’s wonderful,” he replied smiling genuinely. He brushed some hair out of her face.

“Where’s Walker?” she asked softly. “I want to see him. Is he with Taye? I thought we had him for a few more weeks until he comes back from Florida.”

“Walker is back in the cabin,” he replied. “We’ll see him when you get discharged.”

“I want to see him now,” she complained. “I miss him.” She pouted and hugged the teddy bear.

“We can see him soon, I miss him too,” he said truthfully. “Have you decided on the name for the bear yet?”

“No,” she replied. Her eyes were still darting around the room like she was having issues focusing on something. She still had one hand on his face and the other was clutching the teddy bear. “It’s soft though, I really like it.”

“I’m glad you do,” he replied. He was. He hoped it had comforted her when he had not been there.

She took his hand and rubbed it against the bear. “See, soft,” she said.

“Yes,” he said with a smile, “incredibly soft. And cute, just like you.” He booped her nose, making her smile. She returned the gesture. “Are you in any pain?” he asked finally.

The distant look reappeared on his wife’s face, like as if she were thinking too hard. “I um,” she stammered, “I’m uncomfortable, really uncomfortable,” she tried to explain. The medications were making her a bit muddled. “And, um, it is like there is something inside me and it pushing to get out, but it um, it… I do not think it hurts, not right now, but I feel like it will when everything stops being too fuzzy. It’s one of the only things that are really clear.”

“What else is clear?” he asked.

“You,” she replied, looking up at him with the most adorable face. “You’re clear as day.” They both smiled.

“How about we see if we can get you out of here?” he asked. He wanted to go back to the cabin. He wanted to get her out of here, but only if it was safe. They had been here too long.

“I want to go…” she trailed off, “but I don’t want you to leave.”

“Then I’ll stay here,” he decided.

“They will probably want to look at more stuff,” she said. “They’ve been on me since you left. All over me, checking everything and poking at me and no one would talk to me or tell me what was going on.” She was still surprisingly calm. In any other situation, he would have expected her to be worked up a bit. It was scaring him. She acted and talked as if there was something wrong with her, something just off even though she was the woman he had fallen in love with. It was the meds, but still, it was unsettling, to say the least. “I think they cut me up while you were gone,” she said. “I can barely feel my legs. They’re still there, right?”

“Yeah Dee, you’ve got your legs.”

“Good, because I can’t sing right when I’m laying down like this.” She rubbed her stomach. “It’s itchy,” she informed him.

“Mind if I looked?” he asked.

“You’re the first person to ask that,” she mumbled. “All the doctors just dive on in like they own it.”

Aaron moved a bit further down the bed. Idina took on of his hands in hers. He pulled down the sheets and pulled up her scrubs. It was redder than before and puffy. There were large new stitches where she had the tube stuck in her.

“Can you scratch it for me? I can’t reach with all this stuff on my arms.”

“Tell me if it hurts,” he said.

At first, he just rubbed it a bit, as lightly as he could. He watched her face. If she felt it, she was not showing it. He ran his fingers along the stitches. It was hard seeing her like this, imagining someone cutting into that perfect porcelain skin and then sewing her back up like fabric. He did not really want to scratch at the raw skin, but he ran his thumb up and down the lines. She was not feeling much; maybe he would trick her brain into thinking the itch was being scratched.

A look of relief spread across Idina’s face and he knew it had worked. She directed him on where it was bugging her the most and he followed her directions until she said it was gone and asked him to come back to her. He respectfully recovered her, then went back to the head of the bed.

“Better?” he asked.

“Much,” she said, kissing his hand. “Thank you.”

Aaron stayed there, crouched beside her. He wondered how much of this she would remember tomorrow when the medication left her system or if there would just be a blank hole he would have to fill in later.

“I love you soooooo much!” she said, laying back on the pillows. “You’re the most amazing person. Well, Walker is a bit more amazing, but I made him, so he is perfect, and I am biased. I _made_ him, Aaron. Made him. Isn’t that wonderful? After him you are the most amazing person,” she ranted. “It’s it weird, how Taye are I are the furthest thing from perfect, yet Walker is the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen? Maybe he stole it all from us. I am not complaining though.” She pouted and looked down at her stomach. “Do you think they’re enough left for them? You’ve got a lot, but I don’t want them to steal it all from you.”

“I think we’ve got enough for them,” he said with a smile on his lips. He kissed her temple again. “Honestly, you have too much perfect. If they get half of what you have, they’ll be lucky.”

She took his hand and put it on her stomach. “I’m not that perfect,” she said, “but you are.” She held his hand against her stomach. He could feel the bumps from the stitches. “I hope they don’t take it all from you though, because I am selfish and you’re mine. I already love them so much, and they are not even the size of a peanut. It was so scary when I thought they were gone,” she continued. Aaron listened. “Because I love them so much even though I don’t want too, at least not yet and I know I said I wouldn’t, but I do, and this is just a mess.”

“I love them too,” he said, even if it was the wrong thing to say. He did. He did not want to deny it. It was the truth, plain and simple. “And I am yours forever, Idina.”

“ _As long as you’re miiiineee_ ,” she said in a singsong, her face giddy. “We should cover that for my next album. It will make everyone go insane. We will take over the effin’ world; you and me, side by side. It will be glorious. And then you can come on tour with me and we will go on stage together and it is a stupid idea, but I will pay you anyways and you can wear my merch. You would look so cute in it. My face on your chest.”

Aaron continued to smile and listen to her. He could get lost in her voice and fantasies. And as long as she was talking, he knew she was alright.

A nurse eventually came in to check on her and gave Aaron the release forms to sign. They brought her a wheelchair because legally she could not walk out of the hospital. He had to forcibly stop her from wheeling uncontrollably down every ramp she saw.

“Sit on my lap!” she exclaimed, “come on, please,” she begged.

“No,” Aaron said. “You’re too high to drive and you’re too high to control a wheelchair.”

“Aw, baby, come on, pretty please?”

“No,” he said again.

“I’ll repay you tonight,” she said, raising an eyebrow and smirking at him smugly as if she had just won.

“No,” he said firmly. Not when she was as high as a kite. Any other day, sure, but not today.

“You s-u-k. Wait no, s-u-c-k. Or is it just k?” she asked.

“Dee, you can’t even spell a four-letter word. You are not going to control this wheelchair,” he lectured as they rounded another corner.

“Wait, so are there two ks or is it c k?”

“Use a dictionary,” he retorted.

“What the hell is a dictionary? Also, who are you and what have you done with my Aaron?”

“I’m me and I’ve done nothing to myself,” he replied. “I’m just looking out for the love of my life. I don’t want her to die in a wheelchair accident.”

“It would be the best wheelchair accident on the entire planet. I would go out in style. Also, my name is Idina, not Dee. Only my husband and sister can call me Dee. Say it again and I’ll stab you with a fork,” she said, wielding her plastic fork like a sword. Where she had found it, he had no idea.

Aaron rolled his eyes and smiled as they made it to the vehicle. He helped Idina out of the chair, then crawled into the back with her. The escort then drove them off.

“Should we tell Walker?” he asked, knowing Idina was not necessarily in the proper mindset. He just needed to get his worries off his chest. “He’s going to notice the morning sickness. We can’t hide it from him.”

“I-uh, we,” she started, her face contorting, perplexed. It happened when she tried to think too much. Her brain just was not helping her. “I don’t know,” she said.

“That is alright, I shouldn’t have brought it up. We can figure it out later.”

She took his hand again and rested it on her belly. “If it were up to me, I’d keep you like this until they come,” she said.

“I think you might change your tune in a few weeks,” he said.

“Well, right now that’s what I want,” she informed him. “I’m pregnant and your wife, so you got to do it. And I want you to hold me.”

She was clearly feeling a lot better, but Aaron still was not sure how much was her and how much was the medication. He had been given some pills that she should take, however, he was not confident in his ability to force-feed them to her when it would come to that. The laxatives he could help her rationalize, as they would allow her time to get used to the stitches, but he knew the painkillers would be a no-go.

It was a bit selfish, but he wanted her like this a while longer. They had not had carefree time alone since before they got married. He with his degree and career and Idina with her tour and _Frozen II._ And now they had two children always hanging around and two more on the way. Their world was one of constant motion and stress and he just wanted to hit pause and forget all of it.

The hour-long drive would have to do. He pulled her into his arms and listened to her ramble on about everything that was going through her intoxicated brain. She was intoxicating. The way her eyes lit up when she suddenly remembered how much she loved him and the way she smiled when she thought of Walker and how tenderly she talked about Erika. Idina had such a kind and large heart and Aaron was the luckiest man in the galaxy. Nay, the universe. 


	41. Chapter 41

Aaron and Idina stepped into the cabin.

"Mommy!" Walker called, jumping up from the floor where he and Erika were playing battleships and beelining straight towards his Mother.

Aaron stopped him right before her collided with her stomach, explaining to him that he had to be gentle for a while.

"But I thought mommy was going to be all better," he said.

"She is a lot better, but everyone has to recover from surgery," Aaron explained to his stepson.

"You can hug me," Idina said. "Come 'ere," she said, opening up her arms. She wanted to hug so badly she did not care. She swooped down to his level and bear-hugged him. He hugged her back, just gently, as if he were afraid that she was made of glass.

"I don't want to hurt you mom," he said.

"I know sweetie. I love you so much." She kissed him and held him for what seemed like the most perfect moment in the history of time, then she finally let him go.

Aaron helped her stand up. The effects of the medication were slowly wearing off and as it did, Idina became more and more aware of the throbbing in her abdomen. Walking now was taking its toll, and soon breathing would become painful too. She was not sure how much stronger it would get, or when it would fade. Sometimes she would forget about it for a moment, then move and sudden sharp pain would rip through her lions and for a split second she would think she was loosing the twins, then remember that it was just the surgery. She was okay. They were okay. Or she hoped they were okay. But the doctors said they were, so they were.

It was five in the afternoon. Aaron made her lay down on the couch while he took it upon himself to make everyone pasta. Apart from Walker rattling away, telling her about all his adventures, the room was quiet. They ate in silence. No one knew what to say.

Later that night, Idina was in the bedroom rewrapping her bandages when Erika walked in.

"Oh, sorry," the girl said quickly when she realized she was intruding. 

"It's fine," Idina said. "It's just my abs."

Erika looked her up and down. "You're doing that wrong," she said finally.

"Huh?"

"You're wrapping it wrong," she replied, reiterating her original statement. Idina was having flashbacks to the microwave incident. Erika never pointed something out or initiated a conversation unless it was absolutely necessary.

"How do you know that?" Idina questioned even though she was fairly certain she had no idea what she was doing. Erika drew a line across her shirt where her scar was. "Oh, right," Idina said.

"So, unless you want it to look like mine you might want to do it properly," she said. Erika crossed the room in a few strides and got down on her knees. "You have to do it like this," she said, taking the gauze out of the star's hands and unwrapping her progress. "Start here," she explained, holding the gauze up against her skin, "then circle around this way." She reached for the scar pads Idina had been given. They supposedly would help the stitches heal without scarring. "Now put these on, then wrap them in," she said, walking India through the steps as she peeled the pads and secured them in place by wrapping gauze around them. Finally, Erika clipped it in place with the metal clips the hospital hade provided.

"Is it too tight?" she asked, standing up and taking a step back.

"No," Idina said. It was tighter than what she had been trying to do, but the scar pads left secure and it was not hurting her too much. She was not sure why, but she ran her index finger along her sternum. "Thanks," she said, unsure what else to say.

Just as suddenly as she had appeared, Erika left the room. Idina walked out in a bit of s stupor, unsure what had just happened. Erika was on the far side of the room, sitting akimbo on the couch reading while Walker was sitting on Aaron's lap and showing his stepfather some rocks that he had found. There was no indication that what had just happened had not been a figment of her imagination.

Aaron looked over and smiled when he noticed her. She sat down beside him, and he wrapped his arm around her. She leaned on him and rested her head on his should, pulling her feet up under her and looked over to what Walker was showing Aaron. She looked over at Erika who was across the room and ignoring them.

Idina wanted to say something, but she was not sure what. Not to mention that the ache in her stomach was growing now and demanding more of her attention. She reminded herself repeatedly that it was her body reacting to the stitches both inside and out; she was not losing them. She tried to modulate her breathing. The pain was more of a six now, but that did not change the fact that it hurt a whole lot. She held Aaron's hand and rubbed circles on the back of it absentmindedly.

Sometime later Walker was laying on Aaron, Idina's free arm around him, half asleep.

"I think this little man needs to go to bed," Aaron said playfully.

"No," Walker mumbled.

Idina smiled and stroked his hair and kissed the back of his head. She went to pick him up and carry him.

"You shouldn't," Aaron said, "the stitches."

She shrugged him off and directed him to the corner where Erika had fallen asleep on the far couch. "It's him or her," she said.

Aaron shook his head with a smirk and went over to that side of the room. He put her bookmark in the book before picking her up and following his wife to the bedroom. She was surprisingly light. He made a silent prayer that he did not wake her up and freak her out. He highly doubted being carried to bed was high up on the list she wanted, but he was not about to let her spend all night in a bad position on the couch.

He laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers up around her as Idina did the same for her son. Walker was out like a light before he even hit the pillow. It was very late.

"You can take the bed," he whispered to Idina once they went back outside. "There are some extra blankets in the closet, so I'll be fine on the couch."

"No," she protested, "that's not fair to you, besides, I want you beside me."

"Come on Dee, you need this. We do not want the stitches to get aggravated again. Also, did you take the laxatives?"

"Yes," she said.

"Are you sure?"

"You can count the pills if you want," she retorted. "I hate it Aaron, but I took them because they'll do more good than harm. Can't say the same for the painkillers though," she informed him.

"Good, I'm proud of you."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I am," he said. He could tell from the way she was playing with her hair elastic and the way her eyes squinted that she was a bit irritated. Probably a small bit of withdrawal, not to mention that she had been in constant pain since the medication had worn off.

"Are we going to cuddle tonight?" she asked.

"Sure," he said, knowing full well she would try and use the situation to try and fall asleep in his arms and keep herself with him all night.

He took her hand and led her the couch and pulled her onto his lap, laying down a bit as he did so. He kissed the back of her neck and behind her ear and he heard her moan. He could not see her face, but he knew she was grinning as he trailed his kissed further down her slender neck, his arms wrapping around her waist as he did so. Her hands went behind her into his hair, guiding him to where she liked it the most.

"Ow," she exclaimed softly when he pushed too hard on her stomach.

"Sorry," he said.

"It's fine, you didn't mean too," she replied, turning to look at him. She still had a dopey expression on her face from their previous actions. She ran a finger down his face, outlining his jawline. "You need to trim your beard a bit. It's becoming a lot of a beard," she informed him. "remember, you stop shaving, I stop shaving."

He chuckled as she leaned in and kissed his lips.

"I won't kiss you if it starts touching your lips."

"Well, we can't have that," he said, kissing her back.

His hands went under her shirt to the small of her back, rubbing obsessive patterns onto her bare skin near the edges of the gauze. She moaned against him making him smile as she took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Idina was intoxicating and wonderful and talented and gorgeous and marvellous and the only woman for him. There were not enough positive words in the English dictionary to describe how he was feeling in that very moment, knowing that she love of his life was carrying his children and that she loved him so very much that being separated pained them both. There were not enough words to describe the all kinds of awesome that was Idina and her silky, nearly-black brown hair and her captivating green eyes and way she took control and made Aaron feel safe while she did it. Or her china-doll skin that trembled at his touch.

And she could do wickedly devious things with her mouth, he added as she coaxed a very impolite noise from deep within his gut, making her giggle against his lips. There were not enough words to describe the perfectness of that giggle or the way it made the butterflies in his stomach reappear every time he heard it. It was like he was in his twenties and crushing on her from afar all over again, or like they were on their first official date and his hands were clammy and he was tongue-tied the second she had shown up in a glimmering, form-fitting dress that made her look like a goddess among mortals.

They pulled apart, panting, staring at each other like as if this were the first time that they had ever seen someone they loved before.

Idina swore, throwing her head back, a smile on her face. Then she pulled Aaron in for another kiss, straddling him and pressing her body against his. Her nails dug into his thighs.

"I love you," she mumbled in between kisses.

Aaron felt devilish and took the opportunity to take control of the kiss, making Idina grunt and moan, doing everything he knew she liked.

"The kids are right next door," he reminded her, pulling back.

"Eat shit," she retorted with a grin. They were both breathing heavily.

"I love too," he said with a smirk.

"I'm going to make you pay," she threatened.

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Just you wait," she said, "one day sometime I'll do something and when you're wondering what could have possibly done to deserve it, this memory will creep back up and it will not be worth it," she explained.

"Oh," he said, pretending to be scared.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of," she reminded him.

"Actually," he corrected her, "I like to think I have a better idea than most about what you're capable of."

She slapped his arm playfully. "I'll make your life a living hell Aaron," she said through giggles.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from you, my beautifully talented Eye-Dina," he replied.

She snorted a bit too loudly and promptly covered her mouth to try and stifle it.

She propped herself up on her knees so that her stomach was in line with his face and started running hands through his thick black hair, massaging his head with fervour. "A living hell, Aaron," she reminded him as she did so her focus on her obsessiveness with his hair.

"I can't wait to see," he told her, his head rolling back and shivering from the lightning she was sending down his spine, "it will be fabulous."

She sat back down on his legs, her arms falling to rest on his neck, his resting lightly on her thighs as they just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.

"What did I do to deserve you?" she asked for what seemed like the millionth time. Honest to God, she had no idea. She must have been a literal saint in her past life to have been such a wild child and still end up with someone so amazingly perfect for her.

"Everything," he replied, kissing the inside of her elbow and making her smiler more and bringing a flush of red to her cheeks.

She brushed some hair behind his ear with the most adorable expression of affection on her face. She was like a puppy in some regards, soaking up every bit of love and attention he had.

"I don't know how we'll be able to go back to normal after this," she said after a while. What she meant by normal, she did not say. Normal as in not being attached at the hip all day everyday or normal as in no blackmailers, she did not specify.

"I think we'll manage," he replied, answering for both senses.

"What were you thinking about earlier today at the hospital?"

"Honestly," he paused. "I was just stressed Idina, honest. I needed to clear my head a bit."

"It's my fault," she decided.

"No," he argued, shaking his head. "Everyone gets stressed."

"But situations make you stressed," she argued., "I orchestrated the stressful environment."

"And I haven't done the same to you?" he pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's different."

"How Dee? You are no less deserving than I am. We stress each other out sometimes. It is fine and normal. We're both flawed and it's okay."

"It's just different, Aaron."

"No, it is not," he repeated. He took her face in his hand, rubbing her cheeks with his thumbs. "You don't deserve any less than I do Dee. You are allowed to mess up just as much as I am. You are not less than me, you are not worth less than me. We are equals, equally allowed to mess up and have feelings." He wiped a tear that was starting to trail down her cheek and she kissed his palm. "Idina Kim Mentzel," he said, using her full name at birth. "You are a human being, one of the most amazing people on the planet. You are an amazing mother and sister and you are the woman I fell in love with. You have no right to be treated poorly or worse than anyone else and you have every right to have a bad day. However, that does not give me the right to lash out at you and if I did, I am sorry, just as you are when you slip up. We are human Dee. We will make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with you. You are deserving of my love, all of it Dee. And I gladly give you everything I have because I trust you and I love you."

"Aaron," she croaked in a high-pitched happy cry. She kissed his palm again. "I love you so much."

"And I love you," he said. He would spend every day building her back up again if it meant her got to see that smile and that realization that she was enough just one more time.

They pressed their foreheads together in silence which soon fell into a chaste hug with her head resting on his shoulder and the world was blameless and problem-free until the finally pulled apart.

Idina yawned.

"Let's get you to bed," he said, picking her up.

She giggled. "Careful," she said.

"Be quiet," he told her, "you'll wake the kids up."

He carried her into the bedroom and put her into the bed. He got her some pyjama shorts and a shirt, but she only changed her bottoms stating that she did not want to change her shirt. He then kneeled by her bedside and talker her to sleep as if she was a child because for once she was letting him take care of her and she was being venerable in front of him and he loved her even more for it.

He left the room and closed the door quietly after making sure the three most important people in the world were sound asleep and safe. They were definitely booking a no-electronics cabin trip for the holidays if they were not sick of this by then. It was already November. Time was passing so quickly.

Aaron pulled some blankets out form the cabinet and went to the couch. He laid down, still in his shirt and jeans, and laid there for a while, staring up at the dark ceiling, listening to the noise of nature. The air was fresher out here. The world seemed so much smaller and larger at the same time. He was too enthralled with it to be tired.

Sometime later, he heard someone come out form the bedroom, probably going to the bathroom. Instead, he heard the footsteps come into the living room and the figure sat down on the edge of the couch and curled up with him.

"Dee..." he said.

"No," she replied, "I'm staying here. Don't 'Dee' me."

"Alright," he caved.

They were becoming co-dependent on each other. Soon they would not be able to function without skin-to-skin contact. He turned on his side and took the big spoon position, pulling her closer. He adjusted the pillow so that she would have some too. Her hand instinctively fell over his and moved it down over her wrapping to where their children were growing.

They really were co-dependent when it came to sleep, for he finally felt tired as he heard his wife's breathing begin to level off and soon, they were both asleep on the couch.

* * *

Aaron woke up to a swift kick in the shins. Idina was groaning and squirming beside him, making deep sounds of discomfort.

"Dee?" he asked, holding her arm, and stroking it in a calming manner. He reached over to the lamp and turned it on so that he could see her face. It was around four in the morning according to the oven clock.

"It hurts Aaron," she gasped quietly before whispering a tirade of swearing. "I can't seem to stop it, ooohh," she gasped. "Eff it, that's it I'm done," she muttered.

"How bad is it?"

"Ten," she muttered.

"Should we call the doctor?" he asked, concerned.

"No," she said. "I think the laxative finally wore off. Earlier in the hospital, it was like a fifteen on ten, this is just a ten on ten," she explained through gritted teeth.

"Lie on you back," he ordered, carefully crawling over her to get up of the couch and give her the space she needed.

She did as she was told, gritting her teeth, and swearing until the spell ended; she sunk into the couch heaving in relief. Aaron helped her through it by peppering kissing in her hand and wiping her hair out of her face and explaining to her for the millionth time that she was the most amazing person in the world.

Her face contorted in ways she never thought she could move. She reached out for her husband's hand, grasping it for dear life.

"Just make it stop," she pleaded as he stroked her brunette hair. Her knuckles were white around his hand, but he was willing to be a human stress ball for her.

It seemed to subside for a moment, Idina relaxing into the couch. Then suddenly, her face contorted and started twitching, and she was writhing in pain again, arching her back, squeezing Aaron's hand, anything to make it stop and pass.

"I'm calling an ambulance Dee," he said. "something could be wrong."

"No," she said firmly when she had enough time to breathe. "I think it's over now," she said with a sigh of relief. Her free hand trailed down between her legs, checking herself for non-existent blood. She closed her eyes. "I'm not losing them," she reminded herself, whispering it over and over again. "It's just the surgery, I'm not losing them." She took controlled breaths until the panic left.

Aaron watched her, wishing there was something he could do. The way in which she muttered "I'm not losing them" repeatedly made him kick himself for pushing this, even though he knew they both wanted this and they both agreed to it. He felt like it was all his fault. She was like a scared child, still grasping his hand in a vice grip.

They stayed there for five minutes until Idina finally announced: "I think it's over," she said.

"I still want to call an ambulance," he argued.

"It's not safe and I don't want to go back there. We will worry Walker even more. Besides, they said I might feel stabbing pains as a side effect."

"This is more than a side effect," he said.

"You don't know that," she snapped. "Contractions hurt," she said, gesturing to her lower body. "When it gets irritated, which it is, it does this, and it _hurts_ ," she explained. "It's the most painful muscle in my body having a spasm."

"At least take a laxative," he rationalized.

"No," she said firmly. "We have to do everything to protect them, Aaron. I do not care if it hurts me. They're what matters here." She sat up, wincing as she did so. "So, unless you're going to tie me down and waterboard me, I'm not taking them."

"I care if it hurts you," he argued.

"Aaron." She shook her head. "I cannot lose them. You don't know what it's like to go through a miscarriage," she started slowly. She sat up on the couch and Aaron took a seat beside her. "It takes a toll you don't expect, and I've never gotten over them." Aaron held his breath.; she had never opened about this before other than telling him it had been awful. He rubbed her back encouragingly. "You know I hate not being in control, and when this happens, I'm not in control. It makes me feel like my body hates me and it is attacking the things I care about and there is nothing I can do about it. And the worse part is getting attached and the longer I carried them, the more attached I got. All but one never made it to the second trimester, but one, a little girl, she almost made it. I could feel her kick and hear her heartbeat and when I lost her it felt like I had killed a person." Her hand was subconsciously rubbing her gauze wrapping from the memory. "And it was like one moment she was there and alive and the next she was gone. It would be like Walker falling over dead," she told him. "That's what it's like. Someone who you know and love, and you do not expect to leave, suddenly dying. She would respond to Taye and I when we spoke and kicked so hard, I honestly thought she would be strong enough to make it. Except she did not, and it was all my fault. And you will never understand what that feels like to have someone inside you. I do not know how to explain it. And it's just..." she cut herself of with a sob. "I can't go through it again and still come out alright, especially now that I have Walker and all I can think about is how much I missed out on and how much they missed out on and how amazing it is to have a child. And I just cannot fathom a world where the twins do not get to even take a breath," she explained, or she tried too. She had suppressed so much and locked it all away she was not entirely sure what she was trying to say. She just needed him to know she would not go through it again. "I know I've said it before, but it's going to crush me. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I can't breathe." She was digging her nails into her skin, her arms shaking, her posture rigid. "I'm really worried what I'll do to myself if it doesn't work out," she admitted. "I um... I tried to take my life after the fifth miscarriage. I don't know why I agreed to get pregnant a sixth time. I'm so glad I did, but I don't know what came over me." She paused, biting her lip, waiting for Aaron to react, maybe blow up at her, even though he had sworn he would never do it. "So um, it's a bit of pain or no me," she said. "I'm so sorry for agreeing to this, I never should have said yes without telling you everything. I just wanted to forget it ever existed." She was not looking at him, just staring aimlessly straight ahead. "And I went to see someone about it and got it sorted out," she said to reassure him. "I'm fine now because of it."

Aaron was silent. He suspected, but that was not what he had been expecting. He rubbed Idina's shoulders, letting her know her was there and supporting him.

She grunted again, tensing up and rubbing her abdomen. "I hate this," she said.

He rubbed her back. This spell subsided in a minute and she leaned into his side and rested her head in the crook of his neck. She had just told him everything and she was soaking in his affection before the shock wore off and he ran away screaming.

Idina was not sure if she wanted him to say something or not.

"Idina," he breathed finally. "Dee... are you okay now?" he asked.

She thought for a moment. "Right now? I think so; I'm simply scared."

He nodded. "I'll drop the laxatives if it makes you feel any better." His hands went to her abdomen. "I'm glad you got help," he continued, "and my original statement stands. You start feeling like that again, you tell me right away."

They were not looking at each other and the tension could be cut with a knife. Their fingers were still dancing lightly on the gauze. The twins had to make it.

"Yes," she said, "I know. I will."

"I want us to have a safe word," he said. "If you need my help, tell me the safe word and I drop everything," he explained. "Nothing matters to me more than you."

"And you say it I drop everything," Idina said. "It works both ways. You mean everything to me as well."

"Okay," he said, knowing he would never use it because he never wanted to put that pressure on her.

"Wampahoofus," she said. "That should be our safe word because we will never use otherwise."

"I'm not even going to ask what that means," he said.

"I love you," she said. "Thanks for listening to me. I think I just needed to get it off my chest."

"I'll listen to you whenever you want," he said. He yawned.

"Oh, I've kept you up," she lamented.

"It's fine Dee, I want to spend every waking moment with you. If that means I lose a few hours of sleeping making sure you are aright, I'll take it."

She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her. "You can go to sleep now," she said pulling his head onto her shoulder, "I'm alright now." She kissed his temple.

"Okay," he agreed. They laid back down on the couch. "I love you, Dee," he said. "I'm obsessed with you," he said as he ran his fingers through his hair, "you are amazing, and I would miss you if you left me. Walker would miss you too. The doctors know what they were doing, we will have these children."

She pulled the covers up over them. "I hope so," she replied.

* * *

Later in the day, they were startled by a knock on the door. Aaron leaped out to get it. It was one of the officers on their case.

Idina came up to the door.

"There's been a development," he informed them.

Idina and Aaron wrapped their arms around each other as the news was broken to them.

"It turns out it wasn't an attack against you, Mrs. Menzel," he said. "It was an attack against your former husband, Taye Diggs."


	42. Chapter 42

"I'm sorry, what?" asked Idina, confused. "What's going on?" She was blinking rapidly, trying to make sense of everything.

"The attack was not against you," the officer retreated. "It was against your former spouse, Taye Diggs."

"Is-is he alright?" she stuttered, genuinely concerned. They had broken up, but still, there was Walker and a million complicated feeling left over. It is not like they had nothing to do with each other.

She felt her husband's grip on her tighten in support and a gentle reminder that he was here. And probably protectiveness too, reminding him that she was his.

Walker got up at the mention of his father and walked over to them. He took Idina's hand.

"Is Dad alright?" he asked, looking up at the officer with his big brown eyes.

Idina wanted to tell him everything was fine and rush him off somewhere where he would not overhear whatever was said next, but instead, she stared at the man in front of her with the same pleading eyes.

"Mr. Diggs is fine," the officer said. Idina could tell he wanted the kid gone too.

Aaron was on it in an instant, asking Walker if he wanted to go play in the back for a bit while they sorted out some grown-up things. The boy complained that ten was grown up enough, but Aaron stayed firm. It made Idina smile. He was so good with Walker. He would make an amazing father.

Aaron got him outside and helped Erika move her stuff to the table out there so that she could "supervise" while Idina invited the officer in. It was not their house per-se, but it had begun to feel a bit like their home in the past few weeks. It certainly looked like it, with the dishes rinsed but no in the washer and the makeshift couch bed with rumpled sheets because Erika was the only person who bothered to make her bed every morning and she did so with militant precision. Idina bet that if she had a quarter, she could bounce it on the bed. There were no clothes lying around, thank god, but it was not the definition of neatness either.

She and Aaron sat down across from Officer Colton, Aaron's arm protectively around Idina. He explained to them the situation, how it had escalated, how they were working on de-escalating it and their plans to move forwards. They had not yet caught they guy, however, they had a good idea of who it was, an old acquaintance of Idina and Taye's. They had narrowed it down to three people, but they could not legally divulge the names yet nor did they have enough evidence to make an arrest.

They had a plan, and that was the issue. They wanted to "arrest" Taye, as the blackmailer had been trying to make it look like it had been Taye, and make him think he had won and was safe. They wanted to orchestrate a ruse to smoke him out. However, it would require them to go home when it might not be entirely safe to do so and playing along, telling everyone that Taye had been behind the blackmails. They also wanted them to release clippets of the text, the one that would make anyone think it was him, though it would be at their discretion. Taye was currently flying back from Florida. He was okay with the plan, but he wanted to talk to Walker first since it would affect the boy greatly.

Everyone had to be on board and one hundred percent committed to the ruse or it would fail.

Idina stared at Officer Colton in shock. The colour was slowly returning to her face as she tried and failed to formulate a coherent response. It was such a relief that it had not been Taye yet the idea that it was someone she knew was still as unsettling as ever. And they wanted to tell the public that it Taye's fault and arrest him. Walker would have to go to school with everyone thinking his father was a criminal who had attacked him and his mother and his stepfather and foster-sister. It was like she was in a movie except she did not have the comfort of a script telling her what to say and do next. She had to think for herself.

"We'd need some time to think it over," Idina said, finally able to plan out and say a proper sentence. "I don't know how Walker would take this; it's going to be very hard on him and he's my first priority."

"Mr. Diggs is coming over from Florida as we speak. He is fully on board with this plan. If you wish to speak with him, we will bring him here."

She looked over at Aaron. She wanted to talk to Taye. She had to. For Walker, for herself. He was still a person, she still cared for him, just not in the way she used to.

"If you need to Dee, I'm fine with it," Aaron said, giving her his blessing though she would have done it without. "And he'll want to talk with Walker too anyways. It might be better if they got to talk before this all goes down if we go through with it."

Idina nodded in agreement. "I'm really worried about how he might take this," she admitted. "It's going to be hardest on him."

It was decided that Taye would come to the safe house when he landed and all of them would talk this through then. It was a decision all of them had to make together, informed, with all the cards on the table.

Idina spent the next few hours playing with Walker. She told him briefly that his dad was coming and that they had stuff to talk to him about. She made sure to word it so that it would make him feel grown up and trustworthy because if they went through with this he would have to be.

* * *

It was the next day. The family was sitting in the front lawn, Idina laying on her back after a long spell of morning sickness while she watched Walker, Aaron, and Erika run around in a game of tag when a large black van pulled up. Taye climbed out of the back seat.

"Dad!" Walker cried out enthusiastically and bolted over, jumping into his father's arms with a big grin on his face. Idina watched and listened to Walker's shrieks of glee as his father picked him up off his feet and spun his around, then as Taye gently lowed their boy to the ground and got down onto his knees and talked to Walker. She could not make out what they were saying.

She stood up and walked to Aaron's side. He stood across the yard with Erika. Life was trudging on in slow motion.

When the conversation was done, Taye and Walker came over to them.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," Idina replied flatly.

"I just want to apologize for being a jerk, especially to you Aaron," he continued. "I was getting text similar to those Idina had for quite a while and took it out on you because you were an easy target," he explained genuinely. "Of course, that in no way excuses my actions."

"It's fine," Aaron said leniently. There was an awkward pause.

Taye looked down at Erika. "We've never properly met," he pointed out.

She extended a hand robotically. "I'm Erika," she said softly.

"Taye," he said, shaking it. Walker was smiling.

They were stalling with small talk.

"Do you two want to be alone?" Aaron asked.

Idina looked form Taye to him, them back to Taye. Then she dropped her gaze. She was not sure. If they imploded, it would probably be better if Walker were not literally standing in between them. She did not want to be the one to say it and it seemed like Taye felt the same way. They knew how to be civil in front of others.

"Walker, Erika, why don't we get supper started," Aaron said, herding the children away, in the process leaving the two of them alone save for the escorts in the distance. Walker's parents watched him leave.

"So, um," Idina stammered, her arms around her waist as she swayed from foot to foot uncomfortably. "You're all good with this?" she asked. "I'm worried about what Walker's friends will say. It is going to be all over the news. It could ruin your career."

"I don't think we have much of a choice, Dee." She stiffened, hearing the nickname emanate from his lips. She swallowed the erg to chew him out for using it. He had lost the right. "And I will not actually be in jail, I'll be in some hideout like this. And once it is all over the truth will come out. It shouldn't be more than a month. And I'm not worried about my career."

"I'm worried about what Walker's friends will think," she said. "This is going to get very public very quickly." Everything was fine right now. She was level-headed. Other than being awkward and the last conversation she wanted to be having now, everything was alright. "He could get bullied or shunned about this."

"We've both talked to him about it..." Taye said. "I know he understands it. He knows I'm not the bad guy."

"I do not think that a ten-year-old has a good understanding of social repercussions," Idina argued. "This could be serious traumatic even for him that he has to spend the rest of his life dealing with." She had been almost an adult when her parents split, and it had messed her up for the rest of her life. They were co-parenting, and they were convincing themselves that it was working, but who knew what would happen in another decade when life finally hit their perfect little boy.

"So? Your husband's a therapist," Taye said. "He can deal with it."

"Taye!"

"Oh, come on, like you didn't marry him because he knows how to deal with you?"

"I married him because I love him."

Taye snorted. "We said the same thing Idina," he said, calmer than before, but far from mellow or polite. "If Aaron can deal with all of you, he can manage Walker. Not to mention that ward you got, Erika, I am sure he has been dealing with her too. As you said, this sort of stuff messes a kid up for life. Grow up, your parents divorced, big deal. You are fine. You never had to struggle in life. This is not petty; this is real life Idina. Someone is out to get me, and they are out to get you because you are the mother of my child and they are out to get Walker because he is my son. We have to do something about it, and we have to act like adults about this."

"Maybe you deserve it," she spat. "And if there's anything Aaron needs to 'deal with', it's all your fault."

"Like you were a perfect wife when we were married. Don't kid yourself, you were a train wreck and you still are."

She could feel her blood boiling. Her cheeks were burning, and her breaths were short and jagged. "What is your problem?" she asked in exasperation. Her hands flew up in a small, quick movement of anger, barely leaving her sides. She was tense.

"My problem is that I've been threatened for nearly half a year and all of a sudden it turns out you've been pulled into it as well and went nuclear, like you always do, and made it worse like you always do. And then you just shut down like a child and put Walker in more danger instead of being a responsible adult! I was scared sick when I found out! This could have easily gotten him killed because you were too self-absorbed to admit that you needed help. I'm glad you married that stupid therapist because at least he had enough sense to call the authorities."

Idina took a step back. Spittle was flying everywhere as their voices raised volumes and octaves. "And it's not like you told me there was a threat to Walker's life, to begin with!" she retorted. "A heads up would have been nice." They were seconds away from a full-blown screaming match, she could tell. "You never tell me anything. If you had stopped keeping secrets, we would not be here right now. We wouldn't have split up in the first place if you weren't so secretive and selfish. You're a cheater. A lying, selfish cheater."

"I'm the selfish one? Idina, you think of only yourself. I have never met someone so self-absorbed in my entire life, and I met America's Next Top Models. You are a diva through and through, deny it all you like, but you are. Everything we ever did was always me me me. You were too tired, you were too depressed, you needed to go see a therapist. No wonder you married one. Now you do not have to shell out big bucks to lay down on a couch and talk about how messed up you are because of me. And he can even give you a feel better blowjob! You would have killed yourself just because you were not getting enough attention if I had not stopped you. You are alive because of me."

"Like as if you were a saint. You are vile, lying scum! Maybe you should be in jail."

"I'll take that over a psych case any day! You belong in a mental institute."

He yelled, she yelled. They were yelling again. And her head was pounding; she was barely aware of her own body as they continued, throwing around insults like they were four and this was a food fight with a prize.,

She was not sure what happened, but she was seeing red. Then suddenly, the pounding in her head got worse and stars danced across her vision. Her hand was tingling and clench in a first so tight she had dug her nails into her skin. As she stumbled backwards, trying to piece together what just happened, she noticed that Taye was clutching his nose and red was dripping from it. She felt her vision grow foggy as she nearly tripped, landing herself in safe, familiar arms.

"Dee," Aaron whispered in her ear.

She watched through clouded eyes as Taye took steps backwards and the escorts ran over, dragging both to opposite sides of the property.

They had both hit each other. She had struck Taye, and he her. Who had swung first? Who had been defending themselves, who had been the aggressor? Her mind was racing. She had no idea. Maybe they were so in synch after years of fighting that they both took a swing at the exact same time because it had been brewing for as long as they had known each other.

"Dee, are you okay?" Aaron's voice came piercing through the fog.

Her face felt like it was on fire and she could taste the familiar metallic taste of blood.

"Get away from me," she muttered, some of it dripping down her chin. She could hurt him too. She was now an abuser. "Go away Aaron," she repeated. "I'm an abuser, get out now," she said again. But he did not leave. He was so idiotically stubborn sometimes.

He did not leave. He helped her sit down between his legs and he held her safely against his chest as someone brought out ice packs and gave her one and Walker ran around between where she was and where Taye was, asking them if they were alright and telling him he loved them and it made her breakdown worse because she did not deserve him. Or Aaron. Or Erika.

Erika was certainly going to be taken away now, and if that happened her situation with Walker would be reassessed, and they might opt for Taye, so then she'd file this against him and Walker would end up in the same system that made Erika the way she is. Her precious little boy would be crushed, shattered by it. All because she could not keep it together for one conversation. Her ex was right, she was a mess. And Aaron was here, dealing with it. Dealing with her. Because she needed to be dealt with.

She was still trying to paint a picture for herself in her head, but she would barely think straight. Aaron was holding an ice pack wrapped in a towel to her face and she felt like she was going to throw up. At least she thought it was Aaron, for who else was stubborn enough to love her, but he also had both his arms firmly wrapped around her torso, stopping her from doing anything by stay seated here against him and cry. The world was still spinning even though she was on the grass and holding into his navy-blue shirt for dear life. Her ears were ringing so much she could not focus on what he was saying. She was not even sure Aaron was the one talking.

"Idina, talk to me please," he was begging.

She told him to leave her alone. She swore at him and told him that she was a monster and to get out of her life before it was too late. And he just hugged her tighter, kissing her neckline and her hair, dodging the sore zone, until she broke down again. Then he continued, whispering to her until she stopped crying, and, just like the self-absorbed baby she was, curled up against him, making herself the cute easy burden instead of the ugly annoying one. She was selfish. She wanted him to stay with her even though he should not.

She felt a strange hand run down her cheek, tucking locks of hair away behind her ear, but she did not open her eyes.

"It's okay Dee," Aaron said. "Everything is fine. You're not a monster; it was self-defence."

Idina was calming down, taking deep gulping breaths trying to regulate her breathing.

"I shouldn't have left you alone, I'm so sorry I didn't come back out sooner, especially when I heard it getting heated."

"You shouldn't have to be the mediator," she croaked.

"I will be here for you, I always will be," he said.

She was clenching his arm and she the untouched side of her face in his chest while someone still held an ice pack up against her throbbing cheek and temple. It was going to bruise.

Aaron was there, asking for everything she had to give him. But she could not. She had too much. It would make him suffer if she gave him everything. It had already shattered her, destroyed her backbone. She was selfish because she would not give him what he wanted because she needed him intact to deal with her.

He would argue that she loved him too much to burden him.

Maybe they were both right. But either way, she needed to sort herself out, if not for own sake than for her family's.

She needed him. She felt awful. She had not felt like this in a long time and...

"Wampahoofus," she whispered.


	43. Chapter 43

Aaron held Idina tightly until she started to calm down. Erika was holding an ice pack up to Idina's face. Aaron could not see it from here, but he was quite sure it was bruising. He had heard when the back of Taye's hand had connected against her cheek, sending her stumbling sideways. It had echoed throughout the small alcove and was soon met with another when Idina punched him square in the nose. It seemed like he had done more damage, as Taye was standing up, a bit wobbly, with nothing but some Kleenex by his nose. Walker was standing with him since everyone else was with Idina, but he kept looking over to his mother every few minutes.

"Wampahoofus," Idina whispered after her tears had dried.

The world stopped. He felt numb. The trees he had been staring at were suddenly the strangest things on the planet and he could not quite figure out exactly how anything worked the way it did. Then Aaron came back to the world. Idina had just used their safe word. He had never wanted to hear that word in a million years, it meant that Idina... It meant that she wanted to hurt herself or worse.

He numbly asked Erika if she could check on the stove. Luckily, the girl was either so unhappy with them she wanted an excuse to leave, or she was simply good at taking a hint, because she left without question, handing the ice pack over to him.

Aaron held the cold thing up to Idina's far check and pulled her closer.

"Wampahoofus," she muttered again. "I want to make the outside feel like the inside," she managed to get out.

Aaron looked down. She was pinching at her upper arm, drawing blood. He quickly grabbed her hand and pulled it to his heart, but not before kissing her knuckles.

"Then let's make the inside feel like the outside," he said. "Then they'll both feel the same." He kissed her forehead and rocked her back and forth. "Tell me what you need," he told her.

"I-I," she said, "I have to make the outside hurt too," she croaked, her voice hoarse from the yelling and crying. "I'm a monster, I need to make it known."

"You are not a monster. Never," he said.

"I hit him, Aaron," she explained. "I am. What if I hit you? Or Walker? Or Erika?" Her hand went back to her arm, scratching at it vigorously.

He pulled it away again. "You won't," he told her.

"I've never hit anyone before, and now I just did. How do you know I won't?"

"He hit you first," Aaron reasoned. "You're too kind-hearted. You have the biggest heart in the world. I have never met someone as kind and considerate as you, Dee. You are distraught about this because you are worried you might hurt someone. You're not going to do it again."

"That's what everyone says," she replied, "everyone says they won't until it happens again."

She was a good arguer when she wanted to be. "But you won't," he said. He kept hold of her hand, massaging her palm with his thumb. His other arm was still wrapped securely around her.

"You don't know that Aaron," she breathed. "I don't know that."

He placed her hand on his shoulder where he could feel it before hugging her. "I believe in you," he said. "That's how I know you won't."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a proper hug. "I know you do," she whispered in his ear, "but you could be wrong."

"I feel completely safe with you Idina. I trust you. You are not a monster."

"I am," she said with the beginning of a sob. "I am, please stop saying that."

"'Dina..." he breathed. He kissed her hair. "Dee, you are not a monster. It was self-defence. You were defending yourself and the twins."

"I don't even know what came over me," she said. "I was seeing red. I didn't even realize until I'd practically fallen over, and I saw the blood." Her voice cracked. "I made him bleed," she muttered. "I hurt him... In front of Walker. I hurt him." Her breaths were quickening. "I can't breathe Aaron," she said. She pulled back, her eyes wide and her breaths short and quick. "I can't breathe."

"Dee," he said, trying to get her to look at him. "Dee, you're having a panic attack. Deep breaths baby, can you do that? Take deep breaths for me."

"I-I-Can't," she croaked between breaths. Her chest was heaving as she took quick sharp inhales. She was scratching vigorously at the redness on her upper arm, drawing more blood.

He grabbed her by the upper arms. "Hold onto me," he said. Her trembling limbs reached out to grasp his arms. He nodded, and she nodded with him. "Deep breaths Dee, you've got this. Take a deep breath." He coached her through as she took gasping breaths, trying to calm herself until she fell into a fit of hiccups. When the hiccups subsided, her breathing had steadied a bit. "See, all better now," he said hopefully with a smile.

"No," she said, shaking her head side to side. "I still punched Taye," she said.

"To be fair, he had it coming."

"Aaron!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. But he did."

"That's not an apology."

They were silent for a moment.

"How much of that did you hear?" Idina asked.

Aaron shrugged. "A bit," he admitted. He had heard all of it. They had not been discreet.

Her hand trailed back to her arm, but she rubbed it instead of scratching or picking at it.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'm um, better? Maybe," she admitted. "I still kind of want to tear my skin off." She looked down at the ground. "I know what you've been saying, but I still feel awful like I need to..." she trailed off, starting to scratch again at her arm. "Like I need to be punished or something."

Aaron shook his head and hook her hand away from her arm for the third time. "No, you don't," he said. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

'Then trust me when I tell you that you don't."

"I-uh..." she did not know how to argue that point. "My face hurts."

Of course, it did. It was turning purple and swelling. “Here," he said, handing her the ice pack.

She took it and held it up against the bruise. Then she poked at it and winced. "I feel like my face is twice its regular size."

"It's not that big," Aaron said.

"It's ugly?"

"Kind of," he admitted, "but you're still as beautiful as ever."

Idina swore. "Maybe this is bad enough," she said.

"Are you going to press charges?"

"No," she replied. "he can too. It will mess everything up more. We need to focus on what's going on right now."

"This is the first time right; it never happened before?"

"Never," she confirmed, easing his mind. "A blow out was a long time coming. I think blackmailing added fuel to the fire. I should go over there," she said, looking over to where Walker and his dad were. "Make sure he's okay and say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to punch him."

"No Dee, not right now," Aaron said. He was still fuming. He also wanted Taye to have a good look at exactly what he did.

"But-"

"No, not unless he apologized first."

"I shouldn't have."

"He started it."

"Stop pitting me against him," she growled. "You're not helping." She sat down cross-legged, finally getting out of her crouch. "I don't know what to do," she said.

He came closer. "Don't do anything right now. Let the dust settle."

"But there's so much-"

"Dee, take a step back. Take some time for yourself, just think, okay?"

She crawled close to him and curled up against his chest. He exhaled in relief. "Okay," she said "Just a few minutes though to calm my nerves. Then we must sort this out. Is Walker okay? I want to talk to him, but I don't want to go over there."

"I don't know," he replied honestly. "He's worried about both of you."

"This was supposed to work," she said. "I made sure it wasn't like what happened with my parents, that Taye and I would make it work out. Co-parenting. No custody battles, no pitting him against each other. None of that. Now we just got into a fistfight."

"How's your face?"

"Not the worse pain I have been in these past few days, but it's still pretty bad. I feel like a huge baby."

"No, you're not."

"I am though. And I still want to peel my skin off."

"You're not though," he pointed out.

Her lips flickered upwards for a second. "Yeah, I guess so. Make sure I do not, okay? I am trusting you with this. I'm sorry for making you do all of this for me."

"You're not forcing me to do anything. Other than loving yourself, do I ever force you to do anything?"

"No, I love you," she replied instantly.

"See?"

"I do," she replied. She used her free hand to clutch his shirt.

He took the ice pack from her and held it up against her cheek. With her free hands, she wrapped him in a hug.

"Can we just sit here for a minute?"

"Yeah, of course," he said tenderly. "How are the stitches?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Better," she said. "the redness has gone down, and I've finally figured out how to wrap it without Erika telling me I'm incapable of doing it."

"That's an improvement," he said. "If you ever want me to wrap it for you, I will," he offered.

"You already help with the oils," she said. "Is that not enough?" she teased.

"You're my drug, Dee. I'm addicted, I can't get enough."

"Mhmm," she mumbled with a smile, planting a kiss on his lips. "I'd say your mine, but I think mine is Walker. His smile. Not my drug though. You're my second favourite."

"I'm honoured to be second to such an amazing person," he said. He booped her on the nose.

"If you had the choice between saving Walker and saving me, who would you choose?"

"Walker," he said without hesitation.

"I love you so much right now," she replied. "There's no better answer if this relationship was going to survive. You're so hot when you're putting Walker first."

"It would kill me," he admitted, "but I would choose him every time."

"Me too. And I would want you to move on and be happy," she said.

"I don't think there's anyone else for me," he replied.

"Well, I want you to try anyway because I'm going to be pissed if I have to watch you mope around when I'm gone. I swear if ghosts exist, I am going to haunt you till the ends of the earth. Then haunt your ghost once you kick the bucket. I want to be the most jealous ghost ever."

"Dee, why are we talking about this?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I'm getting old. Sometimes I think about the afterlife. Life is unpredictable. I just want to make sure we're on the same page."

"In that case, if I die you have to move on too," he said.

"I think I'm all out of romance attempts," she said. "I don't have the energy for dating You don't need to worry about me cheating," she said with a chuckle, "there's no way I could manage it."

"I'm only going to promise you if you promise me."

"Fine, I promise."

"Me too, I promise." He paused. "Now how are you feeling?"

"Better, but don't think the feelings are gone," she said.

"I don't expect it to be after just a few minutes," he replied. "I just want to make sure that you are okay and won't try anything."

"I'm not going to kill myself," she said. "If that's what you are worried about. The twins. But scratching my skin off is a different story."

"You're not a monster. There's nothing to prove other than you're the most caring person in the world."

"I still can't believe I did that," she said.

"What if I told you it was hot?" he asked.

"Hot? Really, me sucker-punching Taye?"

"You have a great right hook. And I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it before." Her cheeks flushed and she buried her face in his shirt. He chuckled. "There's that smile I fell in love with," he said.

She was shaking her head and grinning. "Thank you for making me feel better," she said.

"Anytime, angel," he replied.

"I like chickadee more," she said.

"You remember?"

"A bit. I was quite high. Roses were growing out of the ceiling." She looked down at her stomach and rubbed it. "It would be a nice name for a girl," she said. "Maybe a middle name though, I wouldn't want her to get teased because of it." She took his hand and placed it over the bandages. They sat there for a minute before Idina tried to stand up.

"Woah, slow down," Aaron said ahs she teetered back and forth.

"We have to get this over with," she said, finding her balance with her husband's help. "I didn't marry you because of your job, by the way," she said. He had never actually told her what he had overheard Taye saying. Or what he had heard her say. They had both said nasty and vile things. "I really do love you, Aaron. I never meant for you to be the one dealing with all of my issues."

"I love you too, Chickadee," he said. "And I'm not 'dealing' with you. You do not have to be handled or dealt with. You are not some temperamental animal; you are my wife. We are making each other better. Just being beside you makes me want to be a better person, and if helping you be the best is what it takes, then I will do it. And I'll do it because I love you to the moon and back."

"Let's get this sorted out," she said. "I think my head's clear, at least for now."

Aaron nodded. "I'll be right beside you," he replied.

“Oh God!” she cried out, doubling over, her hands on her stomach.

“Dee?” Aaron asked.

“The stitches,” she moaned, “I think I stood up to quickly, I aggravated them.” She swore.

“Maybe sit down again?” he suggested.

“No, I’m just going to wait out,” she said. “Ugh, it hurts,” she said through gritted teeth. Then she threw up.

“Mom?” Walker and Taye had come over, though the latter was keeping his distance. He had a semi red Kleenex to his nose still.

“I’m fine baby,” Idina said, trying to straighten herself out. “Mommy just stood up too quickly and pulled at her stitches.”

“What stitches?” Taye asked. He sounded genuinely concerned.

He should be, Aaron thought. He could have seriously injured Idina in her current state.

“Mom had an operation,” Walker told his father. “The stitches inside still hurt sometimes,” he explained.

“When?” Taye asked, taking a few steps closer. “Are you alright? How come no one told me?” His voice was calm and concerned, maybe a bit panicked.

“I’m fine,” she hissed. She stood up straight but stumbled back into Aaron. He was not sure if it was the pain or just the fact that her balance was still a bit off. Taye was not looking Idina in the face. He did not want to see what he had done.

“No, you’re not,” he stated as Idina fell to her knees and threw up again. “How long have you known about this, what’s wrong?”

“Taye, just drop it,” she said, standing up. Aaron said nothing. He was not going to unless Idina wanted him too. “I got it done a few days ago, I didn’t know I needed it until then.”

Taye looked like he had seen a ghost. “So, you had emergency, day of surgery?” he clarified.

“Yeah I guess so,” she snapped. She was not telling him about the twins. This was not something they were doing here, now, or ever. He would find out in the media like everyone else when she decided to spill the beans and not a second sooner.

“Dee, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“Is mommy dying?” Walker asked, picking up on his father’s tone.

Idina shot Taye a death glare. “No,” she said, going down to his level, putting Aaron’s hand on her shoulder for balance, “I’m not dying Walk, I’m just not feeling very well. I am getting better. Okay?”

Walker nodded. His hand when up to the purple bruise along her cheekbone. But he did not touch it or say anything.

“It’s not cancer?” Taye asked, the concern on his face was palatable. His mind must have been reeling. He still cared for Idina. She was still the mother of his child, a friend of sorts, and the woman he had dedicated over a decade of his life too.

“It’s not, right mom?” Walker asked, his eyes going wide in concern. “Right?” he asked when she did not respond quickly enough for his liking. “Mom!”

“No, it’s not,” she said, shooting Taye another death glare. She pulled her son in for a distant hug despite everything her being wanting her to crush the poor kid against her. She was in a bit too much pain to do that. Aaron squeezed her shoulder, making her smile for a second. “I’m fine, pumpkin, I promise. In a few more weeks it’ll be like it never even happened.”

“Then what’s wrong?” he asked.

“Yeah Dee, what’s wrong?” Taye asked.

“It’s none of your business,” she said, looking up at her ex with an ice-cold stare, forcing Taye to look at her. To look at his handiwork. Their eye met for a split second before Taye diverted his gaze in shame.

“What happened to your arm?” Walker asked, brushing a hand against the welts and bruises.

“Nothing,” she said. “I just squeezed it too hard, that’s all.”

Aaron could see from the way Taye’s gaze wandered over to her arm that he knew exactly what it meant. Aaron hoped Idina had left enough brain cells intact for him to put two and two together.

“There’s ice cream in the fridge,” she reminded him.

“You just want me to leave,” he said, crossing his arms.

“You’re getting smart,” she said. “When did you get so smart?”

His arms were still crossed as he took a step back. “I’m going,” he said, “but not because I want ice cream. It’s only because I know you want me too.” He backed towards the cabin, keeping eye contact on the three of them. He really wanted the ice cream.

Idina held onto the Aaron as she went to stand up again, earning herself another stabbing pain in her abdomen. She held onto to Aaron, turning away from Taye who took a few more steps forwards until it left. Once the spell was over, she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She needed to calm herself and stop doing rash things to irritate the stitches. The spells were much shorter than they had been originally, just a few seconds of stabbing pain. It had been over twenty-four hours since she had had one that lasted more than a minute, but they were as fierce as ever and were amazing for triggering her vomit reflex.

“Are you okay Dee?” Taye asked again.

“I’m fine,” she hissed, her hand clenching around Aaron’s arms. Then she stood up straight and looked him in the eyes with a daggering glare. “It’s none of your business what I do, Taye,” she told him.

“You’re in pain. I need to know if you’re sick, Dee,” he said.

“I’m not sick,” she said.

“The vomit begs to differ,” he argued.

“My medical condition is none of your business. I’m not sick,” she reiterated. She had the fleeting thought to add a jab that she might be nauseous because of him, but she knew it was not the case, nor would it be productive. She wanted to wrap Aaron’s arms around her but decided against it. There were a lot of things she wanted to do. Having Aaron close made her want to stand up for herself though. “This has nothing to do with anything,” she added.

“Dee,” he said, using the same sweet, patronizing tone he used to use to get her to what he wanted. “We’re co-parenting. I need to know what is going on. We cannot keep secrets from each other. Look, I am sorry, alright, for everything. I just want to know that you are fine. I still care about your wellbeing.”

“I don’t want to share this with you. You lost those privileges a long time ago. I am fine, and I am getting better, and, other than worrying Walker, it is not currently affecting him or my ability to care for him. This is not what we need to worry about right now,” she explained, choosing her words carefully and moderating them with deep, calming breaths. “You want to go through with the plan. I am hesitant because this _will_ hurt Walker. However, I do not see any other way of dealing with the issue at hand. It is safer if we do everything we can to catch the blackmailer.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

Somehow, they managed to finish the conversation civilly. Probably because Aaron was right there, and they knew how to use their words and act civil when there were eyes on them. They were always the perfect couple. They both apologized and made sure the other was okay, then called Walker back out to say goodbye to his dad. The former had decided to eat the ice cream out of the tub with the biggest spoon he could find and had the most defiant grin on his face when his parents saw what he’d decided to do. Neither of them scolded him. Instead, they provided a united front, putting his needs before their own.

* * *

That night was going to be their last in the cabin. Idina was laying in Aaron’s arms. He was playing with her hair and her hands were resting on her abdomen. She looked up into his brown eyes, the closed the gap between them and kissed him.

“Dee,” he moaned against her lips.

Idina deepened the kiss, knowing exactly what she wanted as she pushed him against the couch. She took his hand and placed them on her things, pushing them into her skin. His lips left hers and roamed to her neck. She left one hand on her hip, digging his fingers into her thigh while she ran the other through his hair, guiding him.

“Dee,” he said again, “what are you doing?” he asked.

“Just kiss me,” she said. She kissed his lips, running her hands across his body.

“Dee,” he repeated.

“What?” she asked curtly.

“What are you doing?” he asked again.

“What do you mean?”

“Dee, you’re not acting like yourself,” he said. “You’re normally not this rough.”

“So?”

“So, I think you still want to hurt yourself,” he said.

She did not reply, she just kissed him, her hands roaming.

“Idina, stop,” he said, separating them. “Look, Dee, I love you. Let’s not do this.”

She still leaned in to try and kiss him again.

“No Idina,” he said firmly. He took her hands from him. “How about you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“No,” she huffed. She crossed her arm and sat back. “What’s up with you? Normally you’re all over me.”

“Nothing Dee, I just don’t want to do this when you’re not in the right headspace. Let’s just cuddle and sleep.”

“Fine,” she said. She took the blanket and started walking towards the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“I’m going to sleep,” she said.

He stood up and walked over to her. “What’s wrong baby?” he asked “Chickadee, you can tell me. I won’t be mad.”

“I’m fine,” she said even though she was not. She wanted to peel her skin off again. She wanted Aaron to do it. All the feelings were coming back. She did not deserve him, this, anything. Taye had gotten to her.

Aaron hugged her and kissed her hair. “Don’t tell me if you don’t want too,” he said, “it’s your right. But I don’t want you to feel this way.”

“Well I do,” she snapped. “Just leave me alone. I’ll sleep in here so you know I’m not going to all psycho on you in front of the kids and you can sleep by yourself on the couch like you always wanted.” She opened the bedroom door and slipped inside before closing it in his face.


	44. Chapter 44

Neither of them slept that night. Idina tossed and turned, cold and alone in her thoughts. At least it was what she deserved. She tried baling up her sheets, but it was nothing like holding onto him. So, she threw them all on the floor and basked in her discomfort and wished that Aaron would come and pull her out of her misery and her spirals.

Aaron was much the same. He wondered if he could or should have done something differently and was cold as well, for Idina had taken the blanket and he could only find sheets in the linen closet. He hugged his pillow, but it was not like cuddling with his wife. He wondered more then once if he should go to her but decided that she probably needed her space right now.

The next morning everything was packed. No one spoke as they were driven back to the house and left there as if nothing had ever happened.

* * *

****_REASON FOR IDINA MENZEL’S AND TAYE DIGGS’ DIVORCE REVEALED!_ ** **

In the past month, the world has been worried as the beloved voice of Elsa in Disney’s _Frozen_ , Idina Menzel, and her family including her husband Aaron Lohr, her son Walker Nathaniel Diggs, and foster child Erika Rivera, were whisked away because of intense blackmailing and threats. It has recently been revealed that Menzel ex, Taye Diggs, was behind these horrible series of events. Leaked messages show Diggs threatening in detail to torture and hurt his son unless Menzel returned to him and agreed to be his wife, divorcing current husband Lohr in the process. Menzel made a public statement via her publicist stating that while Diggs had always been obsessive, she was willing to overlook it for the benefit of her son. Her reality was shattered when he turned his aggressive tendencies towards their son, and she knew she had to get out. She is devastated and is asking the public for privacy on the situation for the sake of her son. Diggs is now detained in an undisclosed location. No bail has been set.

* * *

Erika was at ease with the new household dynamics. No one bothered her. No one asked her questions she did not understand. No one tried to force-feed her false promises of affection.

Erika excelled in intense environments. She was in her element avoiding projectiles and swings. She was used to disappearing and doing whatever she could to make an unstable environment stable. These past few months had made her stressed. It was a new environment she had no ideas on how to react too.

Now Aaron and Idina were barely talking. They were acting the closest to how she knew couples to act since she had met them. Maybe their façade was finally falling, and she could be at ease and not have to worry about someone swinging a sledgehammer at her walls.

It was familiar and comforting and she soon found herself falling into old habits. Sneaking around the rooms on silent tiptoe, never leaving a trace. Not talking, even when spoken too. Having to act more like the adult on days when Aaron worked late and Idina was incapable. Having to hide the fact that she could do things herself from the parent.

She had never expected herself to feel so at ease in this house. Before, she had been apprehensive. Every time Idina walked into a room there was a chance she would ask Erika a question that made no sense and try to hug her. Questions about things she liked, dreams, hopes. Things that Erika did not understand. She knew she wanted to live till nineteen, but that was because she wanted to give a metaphorical middle finger to the social worker her paraded her around in front of foster parent hopefuls, giving them the 2/3 of these children will die when they turn eighteen and age out of the system speech. But she did not hope for it. It sounded miserable. And dreaming was something stupid people did. Erika was not stupid.

Liking something was foreign too. She knew what it was to need something and to want something she needed. And she supposed the liked getting what she needed, but when it came down to it food was food and water was water. Shelter was shelter. What difference did it make if it did the job? None.

And Erika did not like people trying to hug her either. She would rather someone tired to punch her because then she knew how to respond. But when Idina wrapped her in a hug all she could do was go rigid and stop thinking because there was nothing else to do. She could shrug the celebrity off, she supposed, but Idina was quite persistent and Erika wanted to save the heavy artillery in case she needed it later. And with all of her and Aaron’s talk of adoption, she might need to prove to them that they were making a mistake. Because things were calm now because Erika was checking herself. If she let emotions get involved, she would have to stop checking herself and then she might slip, and they would get into an argument and they would send her back. She needed to trigger the argument once it was certain they were too stubborn to quit but before she got herself emotionally involved. If it was even possible for her to get emotionally involved.

She bit her thumb as she rode the bus to school. Someone tapped her on her shoulder.

It was Hudson, the mute kid, and his interpreter. He kept trying to converse with her since she had accidentally let it slip that she knew a few signs. She’d picked some up in New York, not a lot, but enough to know that he was making fun of her oral presentation because she had not yet mentioned a fact about her topic that she had been planning on doing, and if he’d been civil and waited a few more minutes she would have mentioned it. She told him in no uncertain terms to cut it out because she was going to mention it. He had turned as white as sheet, clearly not expecting anyone but his interpreter to know what he was saying. They gave him a warning, but his parents were filthy rich, and no one wanted to aggravate them. Now every single teacher paired them together no matter what. Erika wondered if maybe they wanted to groom her to be their son’s bride or something with how much time they had insisted they spend together. The cabin had been a relief.

 _Hi_ , he signed. Then he signed something else Erika did not understand.

She just shrugged. She did not move her backpack.

“He said he’s surprised you’re back so soon.”

 _How are you?_ Hudson signed.

 _F U_ , she signed back. She knew the alphabet. Then she turned back to the window.

Her backpack brushed past her feet as he moved it to the floor and took a seat beside her.

“This is normally where we sit,” the interpreter said. He was an old man in his thirties with long straight blonde hair that made him look fifty. It was thinning and rat-like. She did not like him.

“There’s no room anywhere else,” she replied.

Hudson asked her to move over so that they could fit three on the bench, since, as she said, there was no room anywhere. She pulled her backpack up on her lap and pressed herself as close to the window as she could, not looking at them. She just wanted Hudson to leave her alone. She wanted everyone to leave her alone. It had never been an issue before, so why are people bothering now?

Hudson tapped her shoulder again.

“Touch me again and I’ll break your fingers,” she snapped. She hated people touching her. Period. Idina was different, she was always much too gentle to do much more than startle her, but everyone else was a different story. And she would follow through with her threat if he did it again.

 _Sorry_ , he replied. _T-A-Y-E_ _D-I-G-G-S_ he spelled out, then formed his hands in a question mark.

“I met him once,” she said truthfully.

 _Spill_.

_No. Go away._

_Cannot, bus is moving._

_Stop trying to talk to me._

_I cannot talk._

_F U_

Erika turned away after that. She pulled out her phone. Of course, Idina had bought her one. It had hers, Aaron’s, and Walker’s number in it and had unlimited data and calling. And of course, she had written her pin down on a post-it note and given it to Idina. It was just the way things went.

There was not anything on it besides the school app. She had never been bothered to put anything on it. But she stared at it anyways because social norms dictated that only the elderly and rude interrupted someone when their phone was out, and they were staring at it. Sometimes she browsed the internet, but not today. There was nothing she was interested in looking at and all her schoolwork was done.

“Um,” the interpreter said. “Hudson wants you to know that all of your tests have been pushed to December. He argued since the two of you studied together and you can sign, he would be at a disadvantage if he were to write the tests without your study sessions.”

They were study buddies of sorts. However, Erika passionately believed that it did not give him the right to be friendly. Work stayed in the workplace, home at home, and so forth. There was no intermixing in her books because school was her safe place away from home. It was the place where she did not have to worry about anything because she could disappear in a way she never could in Home. Whether the foster parent cared or not, she was still there. She was still a check or a charity case, or an outlet to be vented and yelled at. At school she was nobody. She did not exist. Which meant that to herself she could exist in the fullest.

Hudson took her phone form her. “Give that back,” she growled. She swiped it back from his hands instantaneously, harder than she had meant too. She had too many people swipe necessities out from under her when she was younger. She had learnt to react fast and get her stuff back. There were a lot of things one learned when one’s survival depended on it.

 _I just want to talk,_ he said

“I thought you said you couldn’t.”

_You are mean._

“So?”

He signed something she did not understand.

“Don’t know those ones,” she said.

Then he spelled it out for her. It was much of the same sentiment.

“I don’t care,” she replied. But by now they were almost at the school and they had different homerooms. The rest of their schedules were practically identical, but for now, they had to migrate to different sides of the building.

She apologized at lunch. Her life was worlds of insane she had never even imagined right now. He got it, or at least, he got that he did not understand it one bit. And he loved to gossip. Also, November was her least favourite month, followed by January, and then December. Somehow, the crazy nuns she had spent a year with had made January her second least favourite month. She had been banking on December.

* * *

When she got back to the house, she was not feeling good. It was probably the heat. It was infuriatingly hot, especially for November. She missed the snow. She would probably never see it or New York again, she realized. She would age out of the system, here in LA, and die here in LA.

“Erika,” Idina said, almost as soon as she had stepped through the door.

“Yeah?” she asked.

“Your stuff from New York is here, I put it in your room,” Idina said.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she replied. “I don’t want it.”

She went upstairs. There an unopened box on her bed. She moved it by the wall, then got changed and laid down. Her head was spinning. She took some water, which helped, then went back downstairs. She sat down on the couch and cracked open her assigned reading. It was _Moby Dick_. That book had an entire chapter dedicated to how a pipe describes a man. She had a feeling school wanted people to hate reading. She could list ten modern books off the top of her head that dealt with the same issues in a more accessible manner. But no, those were not ‘high literature’ and here she was reading it for the third time because no teacher believed that were cliché enough to assign the same book as every other English teacher across America.

Idina was trying to cook something, but it was already starting to smell off.

Aaron walked through the door at half-past six, looking exhausted. Idina did not run to him for hugs or kisses, nor did he offer to save whatever monstrosity she was going to try and force-feed everyone later in the evening. Even Walker had stopped complaining about the food when he realized his mother was determined to domesticate herself and would not stop for anything or anyone.

It was the calmest example of what Erika believed family to be. A bunch of people who could not stand each other stuck together because of ‘love’ and ‘blood’ and things that never mattered.

Idina talked about some projects she was thinking of taking on. She was not doing much until the bruise faded. Aaron was plain stressed. The holidays were coming up, making him work double time. He and Idina had a schedule, he took the morning Idina did after school. It worked for them and they rarely saw each other or talked. It was atypical for them, but exactly what Erika was used too, minus them actually caring about trying to care for her.

Either way, the tension made her relax because she knew they would not be focusing on her. She could just hunker down and wait for it all out if this continued. That gave her a solid chance of having some feet to stand on when she made eighteen. Then it was 365 days until she could prove that idiotic social worker wrong. Then her life would be complete.

* * *

A week in and Aaron was still sleeping alone. He had barely spoken to his wife and he was too emotionally drained to try and start up a conversation. Good to her word, Idina had been stepping up because she knew how important his work was during this time and the toll it took on him, however, they did little more than text each other updates throughout the day.

Not to mention he was sleeping alone. It was so jarring after a month of Idina laying on top of him. And he had no idea where she was sleeping. He had found her curled up with Walker the first few nights, either in his bed or on the couch on weekends. But he had stopped checking and was sure Walker had grown embarrassed of his mother and kicked her out by now.

She was the one going to all the support group meetings for foster parents because he was on call in case one of his clients needed his help. He had already talked three people off the edge of a building.

When Idina went out, she covered up the bruise in more makeup than she ever needed and spent hours trying to get it off without hurting herself. He knew this because he would listen to her sneak into the ensuite bathroom and stay there for hours. She thought he had already fallen asleep, so he played the part, hoping she would just crawl in with him for a second, or kiss him, but she did not.

He would go to work worried about her because the last time they had spoken seriously she had still been torn up about Taye and had two anxiety attacks, back to back. It had been barely a half-hour before he had sent her storming off to the cabin bedroom.

He liked his mornings though. He spent them with Walker and Erika, and they were nice. Walker was being brave, and Erika seemed to have found her balance in the household. He was teaching Walker to cook with her help, lest he turns out like his mother, and for those few moments, he could pretend like his world was perfect with his children. And the more he got the know Erika the more he felt like they had made the right choice. It was not like she was opening up to him in any large capacity, but he was seeing was encouraging, even if she refused to see it herself. It was going to be a long haul, but if they made it, it would be one of the most rewarding things in his life.

He was dreaming about Idina and the twins again. This time he was wandering through the walls of their house, except it was like falling through cobwebs, calling out for her, until he found her on the floor of the bathroom surrounded by blood. First, he thought he worst, then he saw that she was crying blood.

“They’re gone,” she wailed into an abyss, red streaming down her cheek. “I told you I’m a murder.”

And because dreams felt like real life, he was at her side immediately, though the seconds it took for him to sink to her level felt like an eternity. He could not move fast enough and was sinking into the floor as he desperately tried to get to her. Suddenly there was a knife sticking out of her abdomen, being held by two mutant children.

“Killer,” they cried, “you killed us.” And Idina cried more, her blood turning emerald green. It meant something, something horrible, only Aaron could not quite figure out what. Only that blood turned green when something worse than death occurred.

“Aaron,” they said.

“Aaron,” Idina said.

“Aaron,” his receptionist snapped, shaking him awake.

“What?” he wondered, looking around.

“Aaron,” she said again. “You fell asleep in your office.”

“Oh,” he said. “Sorry Jen, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Is everything good at home?” she asked bluntly.

“Yes, why?”

“Well, you know there’s all that stuff in the media and you look like you haven’t slept since it started.”

“I’m just stressed, as you know,” he said, downplaying it. He had not been sleeping. He could not sleep without Idina. He had tried pillows and blankets and everything. He could not sleep without her. He worried too much, knowing how much she needed him. He worried that she was not taking proper care of herself even though she looked healthy. He wanted to caress her and rest his hands on her abdomen and pepper his developing children with kisses while she giggled and told him it was too soon.

“If you ever need someone to talk too,” she said, “I’m on the other side of that door.” She motioned to the foggy glass door that had his name and doctorate engraved in gold lettering.

He nodded. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” he said with a smile.

“Your next client gets here in ten,” she informed him. “Abigail Harwood.”

He nodded. He had been working with her for years. Now they mostly went over the events of her day and sorted them out. It was not that hard, and she did a lot of the work herself. She just came here because it was her only safe space.

* * *

Idina could not function without her other half. It was tearing her apart. She tried everything she could to cope. She slept with Walker nestled in her arms till he grew bored of it. She tried to distract herself from Aaron by focusing on Erika. But she had no idea what to do. They were talking; she seemed comfortable. There was nothing else to do right now. The box form New York remained unopened, but that was Erika’s property and Idina was going to respect it despite everything in her being telling her to go through it for a clue.

When it came to Erika, actions spoke louder than words. Going through her tings would signal that Idina did not trust the teen. They needed to build up trust if Erika was ever going to open up. And she was, in a way. Idina had started reading _Howards End_ and _Far from the Madding Crowd_. They were not her cup of tea, but she would do it for something to talk about. She wanted something that was their thing, just like she and Walker had their own secret stories and played Fort under his bedsheets.

Idina was also thinking a lot about Elsa. She had never heard Erika mention her once. Idina had not even brought it up to the support group. It just seemed too personal to risk getting leaked. But she desperately wanted guidance on how to navigate the situation.

If Erika had ever seen _Frozen_ , she would probably hate it. She knew a lot of girls named Elsa or families of girls named Elsa who hated the movie. She just wanted something for them to bond over. But she could not force it. She reminded herself of that every day.

She spent hours looking for auditions and projects because it took her mind off everything. Aaron was to busy to be the one responsible for taking her out of her spirals and Erika and Walker did not deserve nor sign up for that burden. She did whatever she could not to start them in the first place. Aaron was too busy saving people’s lives to be burdened by her, so she left him alone.

She started pinching herself subconsciously until she had almost mutilated a section of her skin, then she wrapped it up. Then she started pinching her other arm. So, she filled down her nails so that she could only leave bruises. When the holidays were over and Aaron got a break, she would go to him, but until then she had to sort this out herself. It was that or no Aaron. She did not want him to crack. Just like it had been her in pain or meds that might induce a miscarriage, meaning no Idina. There was only so much one could go through. Aaron had to suffer through her in pain for her sake, now she was suffering through her pain for his sake.

She was not sure if she was showing or paranoid, but she was nine weeks pregnant with twins. Three more to go and the scariest part would be over. She went to the OBGYN alone and sent Aaron all the ultrasounds and updates. Apparently, the twins were in the same placenta. This did not mean identical, as some fraternal twins ended up in the same placenta and vice-versa, but it was odd seeing as the first ultrasound looked like they were in their own separate ones. Either way, they were healthy and growing normally and Idina was responding well to the stitches. The ones on her stomach could be removed soon as well before the cuts healed too much. It did not look like there would be a visible scar. Erika had taught her well. And she made sure to thank the girl for her help, even though Erika shrugged it off as no big deal.

She snuck into the master bathroom after she had finished reading to Walker and had checked up on Erika. Aaron was asleep on the bed. She wondered if she could just crawl up to him and curl up beside him without waking him. He was so peaceful when he slept, with the glow of the moonlight illuminating his face and his soft, stressless features. And she lips she wanted to kiss so badly. And his thick glossy hair that she could not get enough of, especially after dating someone without. But he needed his sleep. He had been so out of it when he had arrived today that she thought he might have just fallen over. She did not want to disturb him when he was this peaceful. She could have him back later because she would be there later. His clients might not be if he did not give them his all.

She did not know that Aaron was screaming silent prayers for her to leap into the bed and smother him with herself in every way imaginable.

Quietly as she came, Idina left the room. She fell asleep in the guest bedroom, feeling utterly alone without her big spoon and took comfort in the ‘last day of chemo’ bear that Aaron had gifted to her. She kissed it and pretended like it was him, closing her eyes and imagining herself soothing him to sleep after a busy day like she had done the previous year.

* * *

Two weeks in and Idina had still not come back to bed. Aaron had no idea how to get her back. He was starting to sleep without her, but it was more like passing out dead than sleep.

He woke up in the middle of the night, hearing something in the basement.

He went down to investigate. Idina was running something underwater in the kitchen.

“Dee?” he asked groggily.

“Yeah?’ she replied, her voice quiet. It took all his self-restraint not to run over to her.

“What are you doing?”

“Did I wake you? I am sorry, I was just hungry, so I was cutting up some vegetables. I’m just cleaning up,” she explained.

“How are you?” he asked. How are the twins, he wanted to say, though right now those two were synonymous.

“I’m good,” she said.

He took a few steps closer. Idina placed the knife she had been rinsing away after drying it. She turned around and they were face to face in the dark. They could feel each other’s breath. He wanted to reach out for her, but he needed permission. He had no idea how to ask for it. Her very existence made him tongue-tied.

“I’ll go,” she said, walking past him. He reached out and grabbed her wrist.

“No,” he said, the fear of losing her too much, “stay with me? Please?” he begged.

“Okay,” she breathed.

She bridged the gap and hugged him. They both melted into the hug. Aaron held her like he might never get the chance too again. He ran a hand down her arm and paused when he felt gauze wrapped around it.

“What’s this?” he asked, his heart caught in his throat.

“Nothing,” she said.

“It’s something,” he replied.

“I’m a clutz,” she said, “don’t worry yourself about it or me. Go back to bed, you need your sleep.”

“I can’t sleep without you,” he said. “Dee, please come back. I can’t sleep without you.”

“Alright,” she said. She led him upstairs and tucked him in before shimmying underneath and curling up beside him.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. He kissed her forehead and her nose and told her he loved her.

“Go to sleep,” she said in a soothing voice.

They cuddled and Aaron suddenly felt tired and wide awake at the same time. This had to be a dream, yet he could already feel the effects of Idina being close. He buried his face in her hair and reminded himself repeatedly that tomorrow was a weekend and he did not start until three in the afternoon. He soon drifted off into the best sleep he had had in a couple of weeks, his wife wrapped in his arms and their hand on her abdomen. A bump was starting, he could feel it. Two more weeks would mark the end of the first trimester. 


	45. Chapter 45

Aaron awoke the next morning to find his wife wrapped in his arms, practically sleeping on his chest and their limbs entangled. He breathed a sigh of relief. It had not been a dream. Idina had come back to him. And for the first time since they came out of hiding, he had a good night’s sleep.

She was still dozing, her features soft and beautiful, illuminated by the morning glow. Or maybe the pregnancy glow. His hand found its way to her stomach. He traced her abs. There was a bump beginning to show, he could feel it.

He kissed her forehead. She was carrying his children. She was amazing.

His eyes trailed down to the gauze wrap on her arm. It was an odd place to hurt oneself. He would ask her about it when she got up. Until then, he was going to soak her in and hold her.

Aaron closed his eyes and smiled.

“Mom?” Walker called sometime later, knocking quietly on the door. He opened it and came inside to see Aaron and Idina snuggling and half asleep. The boy smiled and crawled into bed with them. “Good morning,” he said as he squirmed his way in between them.

“No,” Idina muttered, holding onto Aaron, half out of it. She kissed Aaron’s shoulder.

“I wanna sleep in with you,” he said, and he managed to pry them apart.

Idina just wrapped him up and squished him between the two of them. Aaron could not help but smile and both his son and his wife got comfortable on his chest.

“Mornin’ Walk,” he said.

“Mornin’,” the boy replied.

He closed his eyes and gave Aaron a one-armed hug. Aaron wrapped his arms around them both and gave them both kisses. It was almost perfect. They were just missing one person. Erika was still a world away from Saturday snuggles. Idina was the only one who could touch her without her trying to shrug it off and Idina did not get any morning snuggles. She was too old. By the time Walker turns sixteen, he will not want to be a part of this either, unless they get lucky or are persistent.

Suddenly Idina got up and ran to the bathroom where she proceeded to have her first round of morning sickness for the day.

“I thought she was all better now,” Walker said.

“Dee is,” Aaron replied, “it’s just…” he trailed off, his eyes rising to her as she held herself over the sink until she was sure she was finished. They could not tell Walker yet. What if they lost the twins? How would they explain it to him? There were still two more weeks until the danger was over.

Idina came back out and sat down on the bed. “Walker,” she started. She looked up at Aaron. “I think we need to tell him,” she said. He nodded.

“Tell me what?” Walker asked. “Are you dying? Is Dad right, do you have cancer? Taylor says cancer people puke all the time.”

“No Walk, I don’t have cancer, I promise, okay?” she assured him, looking into his eyes. “Walker,” she said finally, taking his hands. “I’m pregnant.”

They waited. He blinked. “So that’s why you had surgery? They put a baby in your stomach?” he asked.

“Kind of,” Idina replied. “I had surgery because the babies were already there, but my stomach wasn’t strong enough to protect them, so they made it stronger. Who told you that?”

“Taylor,” he said. “Taylor’s mommy got all cut up and they put a baby in her stomach because his daddy couldn’t put it there so the doctors had to do it. Did daddy put this one in your stomach? Is that why you were mad at him?”

“No, Aaron put the babies there.”

“Babies?” Walker echoed, suddenly picking up on the plural.

“Yeah Walk,” Idina said smiling through happy tears, “there’s two.”

“And Aaron put them there?” Idina nodded. Walker turned to Aaron. “Why’d you put two?” he asked.

“That’s your mom’s fault,” Aaron said. Walker looked at him in confusion. They both started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he exclaimed.

“Well, um…” Idina stuttered, trying to find the words. Were they going to have this talk now? He was ten, they should have it soon. She did not trust the education system to do it properly. Maybe she should call her _Frozen_ co-star Kristen. She knew all about this stuff and had already taught it to their children. She could give Idina some pointers. Idina turned to Aaron. “All in?” she asked.

He caught her drift. “Sure,” he said. “Walk, come here, sit between us,” Aaron said. “We’ll explain it to you. You’re growing up, you need to learn about it sometime, and we rather it be here with us than with someone else.”

Idina nodded in agreement. “So basically,” she started before swearing and bursting out into laughter. This was not going to work. Not without preparation.

Walker crossed his arms. “Is this about sex?” he asked.

“Who told you that word?” Idina exclaimed.

“Taylor,” Walker replied.

“You not allowed to see Taylor anymore,” Idina decided.

“What’s sex?”

“Something you’re not allowed to do until we are dead,” Aaron said.

“Are grandma and grandpa dead?” the boy asked.

“No,” replied Idina.

“So, this is not about sex?”

It was too early in the morning for this.

“Have you had sex?” he asked his mother. Idina just broke down in laughing hysterics. “What about you Aaron? Have you had it?”

“Sex is how you make babies,” Aaron said, finally popping the bubble. He had his hand on his forehead and was grinning, eyes closed, and shaking his head back and forth. Neither of them was ready for this.

After a moment, they found their composure and began explaining it to Walker. They started simple, first telling him in a very PG way what happened after a baby was conceived, how it formed and grew and the difference between fraternal and identical twins, and that because they had seen them so early on there was a high likelihood they were fraternal, though given Idina’s age it could go either way. There were so many factors and functions that get a bit messed up as one aged.

Then Aaron managed to transition it in the puberty talk. Idina knew Taye had wanted to be the one to give it to Walker, but he was not here right now, and it needed to happen now. However, Aaron was amazing at it and it just cemented her belief that he was an amazing father and would be if their children made it. She wanted a daughter for herself, but she would still be overjoyed with boys, high on the pure elation that would be Aaron’s excitement. There were two, maybe they would have one of each. It would be perfect.

She was not sure why, but Idina decided to add in a bit about girl’s puberty too because she would rather sensitize him than have him grossly uncomfortable when he started hearing rumours about what it was and what happened. And a teenage girl was living in their house now.

“So that’s why Ms. Sarah always lets the girls go to the bathroom whenever they want now?” he asked.

“Yeah Walk,” she replied.

“I’m not so jealous now,” he said, making her smile. Idina patted his head. “But you still have not told me what sex is, besides how you make a baby. How did Aaron put them inside you without cutting up your stomach?”

Idina was semi mortified. Wasn’t this type of stuff saved till he was sixteen anyway? Wouldn’t it be better to let him know stuff now than figure it out on his own and get wrong or bad ideas? Either way, she was not keen on discussing her nightlife with her son.

She tried to think of a PG way to explain it to him, then started wondering why this was not PG. It was the human body. Walker had been a whole lot more shaken up over some blood and violence that any kissing and handsy business he had accidentally walked in on. It was all societal pressure…

“Well, um...” she started, trying to think of the right words. “When you make a baby you… I mean it’s, you uh…” she trailed off, not looking at him.

“Does it hurt?” he asked. “Is that why you were sick before we went to the cabin? Because Aaron was doing sex? Is it like how the babies are making you sick now, was Aaron hurting you and making you sick?” he asked in a tirade, but gentle and curious. He turned to Aaron. “You weren’t hurting mommy when you put the babies inside her right? If you hurt her, I am going to hurt you,” he said defensively.

“No Walk,” she said swiftly. “Aaron wasn’t hurting me. He’d never hurt me,” she said, looking into her husband’s eyes as she said so. “It was actually felt really nice,” she admitted, her cheeks flushing red. She could be in front of hundreds of children at her concerts and have absolutely no filter, but this one little boy pulled them all out form god knows where.

“Oh,” Walker said. “I guess that makes sense ‘cause now you’re puking and sick and that doesn’t seem fun,” he rationalized.

She buried her face in her hands and told him point-blank how it happened. Then she looked up. He was thinking, but not shocked, so she continued, putting an emphasis on the fact he was not allowed to do this until he was eighteen.

Aaron chimed in, comparing it to drinking. Something adults were allowed to do, and kids were not. It could be fun, but you had to be careful because you could hurt somebody or yourself. Then Idina told him that if you are not careful you could get a bunch of bad diseases and some of them never went away. She did not tell him what, but she did want to make sure he did not try something in a few years. Then she told him about contraception because at this point why not.

“Is that why you guys like kissing so much?” Walker asked.

“Kinda,” Idina admitted.

“Double gross,” he said, but other than that he seemed fine, not traumatized in the slightest. Maybe Kristen and Dax were on to something. “I’m never kissing anyone ever again.”

“Kissing is different though,” she explained. “Like I feel differently kissing Aaron then when I kiss you,” she said. “Just like my kisses are different than grandma’s,” she explained. “There are a bunch of different types of love. I love you and I love Aaron and I love puppies. I do not love all of you the same. It is a different type of love. When you have romantic love, it makes kissing a lot more fun because a bunch of chemicals are being released in your brain telling your body to enjoy it,” she explained.

Walker nodded. “So, _love_ love, like in the movies?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, “like in the movies.”

“And you and Aaron have _love_ love?”

Idina took Aaron’s hand. “Yeah Walk, we do.”

“Is it nice?”

“Very,” she said with a smile. “Almost as amazing as you.” They both smiled.

“That sounds nice,” he said. “When will I have it?”

“When your older,” Aaron said. “One day you’ll find someone, and you’ll have it too.”

“Now Walker,” Idina said, “there’s one more thing you need to know. Have you hard people talking about ‘consent’?”

He little boy nodded. “Yeah, like people shouldn’t touch other people if they don’t like it.”

“Yes,” Idina said. “And that goes for sex and kissing too, especially for sex and kissing. One day, you might want to kiss someone, but you must ask them first and make sure they are okay with it. Same with sex. You have to ask them, and they can’t be drunk or on drugs, and they have to tell you that they want it and are okay without you forcing them to say it,” she explained. “And vice-versa. If someone is trying to force you to do something you do not want to do, do not do it. Just leave. If you feel uncomfortable and you tell them to stop, they have too. If they do not, then they don’t really love you.”

“But how will I know?” he asked.

“You will ask them ‘are you okay with this’ and then you tell them what ‘this’ is and if they don’t say ‘yes,’ they are not okay with it,” Aaron said. “Like this,” he said, turning to Idina. “May I kiss you?”

“Yes,” Idina said enthusiastically, nodding. Aaron leaned over Walker and planted a kiss on her lips.

Walker hid his face in the covers. “Okay, I get it,” he said.

“It needs to be enthusiastic,” Idina said. “If I said ‘okay’ like this, like as if I was scared…” she demonstrated “… then you shouldn’t. You should make sure the person is okay and not just trying to make you happy, okay? It’s a lot better when both people want it.”

“’Kay Walk?” Aaron asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I get it. ‘No means no’ and ‘only yes means yes,’” he quoted.

“I’m so proud of you,” Idina said. “May I kiss your forehead?”

“Yes,” he said with an eye-roll.

Idina kissed his brow.

“Can I see the babies?” he asked.

Aaron pulled out his phone, for Idina’s was still in the guest bedroom, and pulled up the ultrasound pictures. The three of them huddled together as they pointed out the two blobs that were their children.

“So those are my step-siblings?” he asked.

“Half-siblings,” Idina corrected.

“But I thought Aaron was my stepdad,” Walker said.

“He is, but these are your half-sibling because I’m your mom and I’m their mom.”

“Oh, is Dad their stepdad?”

“No, it doesn’t go both ways,” she said. “Well, if your dad married Aaron then he’d be their stepdad, but I’m not letting him marry Aaron, ‘cause I married Aaron.” The three of them giggled.

“Can I see your tummy?” he asked curiously.

“Sure,” Idina said. She knew there was a bit of bump, she had felt it last night. And she had felt Aaron trace it and it had been one of the most amazing feelings in the world. She laid down on her back then pulled her shirt up, revealing her abdomen and fading six-pack.

Aaron traced the bump that was starting. “See that,” he told Walker, “they’re there, growing in Mommy’s tummy. They’re really small right now, like peanut-sized, but if a few months they’ll be bigger, and a few more months they’ll be baby size.”

“How will they get out?” he asked, “And what if they get hungry?”

“I feed them,” Idina said, “They eat what I eat. And when they come out, well they come out the same way they got in, only Aaron doesn’t have to do anything this time.”

Walker looked slightly mortified. “But babies are huge!”

“Yeah,” Idina said. “It’s not fun. And it hurts a lot. On the plus side, it hurts so much that you forget about it within a week or so. The mind is interesting that way. You remember that it hurt, but not how much. Like when you get a papercut and you know exactly how much it stings, but when you skin your knee you do not remember it, so you remember the papercut hurting worse.”

“That’s not helping,” Walker said. “I don’t want you to be in pain.”

“It’s worth it,” she said, “it was worth it for you.”

Walker reached out tentatively and placed his little hand on her bump.

“Gentle,” she told him tensely, ready to knock him away if he pushed too hard or decided to poke her.

Aaron took the boy’s hand a guided it across his mother’s stomach as Idina relaxed. There was a thin red line where her stitches used to be. It was a bit puffy as she had only recently had them removed, but if she kept up the care it would do down and likely not leave a mark. If it did, the likelihood of it being glaringly obvious was slim. She and Aaron would be the only ones to notice it if she wished.

“Can I kiss it?” he asked, so pure and innocent. They had not destroyed his innocence and she was glad.

“Of course,” Idina said.

He bent down. Idina winched as his nose prodded the bump, but Walker soon got his bearings and planted a dry kiss on her stomach.

“I think I love them already,” he said. “Not movie love though,” he clarified. “When will they come out?”

“About seven months from now, a bit less,” Idina said. “In the summer.”

“I want to meet them now.”

“You can’t sweetie, that just not how it works.”

“Alright,” he said in disappointment.

“Now Walk,” Idina started as she sat back up and pulled her shirt down. “You can’t tell anyone, okay? This is another secret, and I know it is fair to ask you to keep it, but no one can know. When they are this small, sometimes they don’t live and in case that happens we don’t want anyone to know.”

“They might not live?” he questioned, alarmed.

“Not every baby makes it,” she replied, trying to keep up a brave face. “That is why we did not want to tell you because we did not think they would. Then the doctor said she could fix me and help me keep them alive, but right now is still the most dangerous time. When they get a bit bigger, they will be safer,” she tried to explain whilst holding back tears.

“Are you okay Mom?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “I’m just sad that you’re growing up.”

“I’ll always be your little boy,” he said.

“’Course you will, Walkie-Talkie. You will always be my little Walkie-Talkie.” She smiled. “Give mommy a hug?”

Walker hugged her and so did Aaron.

* * *

When Walker finally left ad Aaron went downstairs to start breakfast, Idina went back to the guest bedroom and moved her stuff back into the master. Then she called Kristen because she had a few hundred missed texts from her surrogate sister.

"Idina! Dee!" Kristen's cheery voice came through. "I was just about to call. I hope you are feeling better That's all so awful. I have to admit I have been reading the tabloids. It is deplorable what Taye did. Are you okay? How are you?"

Idina chuckled. She ran her mouth just like her animated counterpart. "I'm okay, all things considered," she replied. "I would rather not talk about it right now though," she said. Kristen did not know the truth. No one did. The longer it went on, the harder it was to keep it a secret, or forget about it all together and imagine that Taye was really locked up and out of her life. She would hate it, especially for Walker's sake, but sometimes she just wished it was her and Aaron and whatever children they would have in that scenario and she had never married Taye. But she would not give up Walker for the world.

"So why did you call?" 

Idina imagined the blonde jumping on her bed and laying down on her stomach like a tween talking to her crush or having a good gossip session with her friends.

"I just wanted to hear a friendly voice," Idina admitted. "And let you know that I am okay." I want you to know that Taye did nothing, that I'm pregnant, that I've had five miscarriages and I'm starting to think this won't work out, with all my kids. Walker's going to break, Erika's going to go away, and the twins won't make it. Aaron's working. I can't talk to him.

"How's the hubby?" she asked.

"Busy. Thanksgiving's coming up and people are relapsing and such, so he's on-call all day and night and he's been working extra hours to fit in all his clients."

"He's fighting the good fight," Kristen said.

"I know, and I love him," she replied.

"I'm so glad you are okay Idina. I was really worried you know."

Idina chuckled. "I know, I've been reading over all the texts. They took my phone away and cleared it of tracking bugs and stuff."

"That's insane."

"Tell me about it."

"How's your girl, Erika?" Kristen asked. "How's that working out?"

"Slower than I thought," Idina replied. "She's strong-willed and the world's been cruel to her."

"I was actually going to call you because I'm planning a house party baroque thing," she said. "If you're up to it, that is. It's going to be medium-sized I think. I don't have all the RSVPs yet. If you and you're family wanted to come by I'd be delighted."

Idina smiled. "That'd be lovely, Kristen. I'll let Aaron know. I'll be bringing the kids even if he can't come. I think we all need to get out of this house for something other than school."

"See you then Dee. And thanks for calling."

"Thank you too, Kristen. See you later."

"Love you, bye."

"Bye"

* * *

A bit later in the morning, Idina had changed and went to go check up on Erika. Walker and Aaron were downstairs, making omelettes.

She knocked on the door frame. Erika was sitting in the hanging chair akimbo with her laptop. She looked up, then looked back down, dismissing Idina.

“May I come in?” she asked.

“Sure,” Erika shrugged. She claimed no ownership over this room. Idina and Aaron could come and go as they pleased.

Idina walked over and crouched down so that she was looking up at Erika who was doing a marvellous job at being disinterested.

“So,” Idina started, “I was talking to Walker earlier today and anyways…” Erika always made her tongue-tied. “I just wanted to make sure you’re fine when I hug you and stuff. I know I’ve been very forward and maybe not considerate about how you felt about it.”

“I legally belong to you right now, do whatever you want,” she said.

Idina sighed. “Well, I want you to be comfortable and safe here.”

“I think that’s covered,” she said curtly. She did not elaborate further.

“Do you want to see an ultrasound of the twins?” she asked.

“Not really,” Erika replied without any coldness or malice.

“They’re going to be your younger siblings,” Idina said.

“You’re depressingly optimistic Mrs. Menzel,” she deadpanned.

“You can call me Idina,” Idina reiterated. They had been doing this tango since the very first day they had met. “It’s not like you haven’t.”

“Wouldn’t want to overstep my bounds or forget my place, Mrs. Menzel,” Erika replied.

“My original question stands, are you okay with me?”

Erika said nothing.

“I’m not going to be mad if you say no,” Idina comforted. “I just want to know.”

“I’m… not really sure,” Erika replied.

“Why?”

Erika thought for a moment. “I’m not… like, scared of you,” she said, “but it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t understand it.”

Idina blinked. She had not actually expected an answer. “What don’t you understand?” she pressed.

“I don’t know,” Erika snapped quietly.

“You can tell me anything,” she said, quoting her husband.

Erika shrugged. “It just doesn’t make sense and I don’t like it when things don’t make sense,” she replied.

It was better than nothing. “Would it helped if I told you why I do it?”

Erika shrugged.

“I’m going to state it bluntly,” Idina said softly, “I want us to bond, have a connection. Sometimes I think a physical connection might help. It’s the first thing they do when a baby is born, you know, they lay it on your stomach, skin to skin time.”

“So, it’s a manipulation tactic,” Erika stated with a raised eyebrow.

“Well,” Idina said, taking Erika’s hand. “How does this make you feel?”

“Uncomfortable,” she replied, pulling her hand out of Idina’s.

“I want us to have something that’s ours,” Idina said.

“I have nothing, so you’re out of luck there,” Erika said.

That hurt Idina. “Really, all of this,” she gestured to the room, “and you have nothing?”

“It’s yours,” Erika explained. “You bought it, it’s not mine. You can take it away as easily as you gave it.”

“It’s yours,” Idina reinforced. “We bought it for you.”

“But it’s legally yours. I did not come here with it; it is not a personal object. Even then it’s not like anyone actually cares who it belongs too when foster parents decide that they want something.” She paused. “Maybe I am lucky, I’ve got nothing for you to steal.”

“We’d never take anything form you,” Idina said.

Erika snorted. “You thought about it the second I said none of this was mine. Don’t deny it, the thought of taking it away to prove a point crossed your mind.”

Idina was taken aback. It had, for a mere second, because that was the punishment for ungratefulness. When Walker broke his things, they took them away. When she had abused her privileges, her parents had taken her things or pulled out the cable to her personal landline. Erika was baiting her, and she was nibbling.

“So what?” Idina asked. “I’m not acting on it.”

“Right now,” Erika said.

“I’m just trying to fight for us.”

“There is no us.”

“What do you want me to do Erika?”

“Give up,” the girl replied. “Send me back. You cannot do this. I bet every social worker has told you that by now. They are right, you know. The ones that try and talk you out of it always are.”

“Do you really want that?” asked Idina.

“Yes,” she replied.

Idina studied her face. As far as the idol could tell, the teen had no tells. Nothing to alert her that this was not her heart’s desire. Things had been going well for too long, this was bound to happen. It always did when things went too well for too long. And Idina was cracking more and more each time. Eventually, she might cave. That is what Erika was waiting for. Proof that Idina could not do this and proof that everything Erika believed was right.,

But Idina was not in this alone. She had Aaron. She had been playing defensively, giving Erika space. Now she wanted to go on the offensive, wear Erika down until the girl could do nothing but believe her. Was this even a war she could fight? Idina had no idea. Everyone she knew told her to give it time, but Idina felt like the time was slipping away and taking her away with it. Soon she would just wash away and leave Erika alone.

She also had Walker, but she did not want to involve him. That would be cruel. She let the two of them get along and bond naturally. Walker was a little leech sometimes and he had in a way attaching himself to the idea of Erika and he was not going to let it go easily. He was also smart enough to know that Erika needed space.

“Well I’m not,” Idina argued like a child.

“Good for you,” Erika mocked. “Is this really my room?” she asked, changing her tune.

“Uh, yes,” Idina said, stunned.

“Then will you leave if I ask you too?”

Erika had caught her in a catch-22. If she stayed, this was not Erika’s room, and Erika won. If she left, this was Erika’s room and she was now outside, and Erika won.

“Are you asking me too?”

“Yes,” she replied, as coldly as she could muster. Which was so cold it had to be measure in Kalvin. Celsius and Fahrenheit would not do.

“Aaron’s making omelettes,” Idina said, standing up. She let herself glance once more over at her ward. “I love you,” she said as she left the room, letting the words sink in. She had never said them out loud before. She wondered if Erika had ever heard them before. It did not matter. Erika had her weapons, and Idina had her own. They were at war now.


	46. Chapter 46

Idina went downstairs. It smelt lovely, but the twins did not think so. She strode over to the kitchen sink and puked.

“Sorry,” she said to Aaron between rounds as he pulled her hair out of her face and rubbed her back. “I swear it’s not your cooking.”

“It’s fine, baby,” he replied. “No need to be ashamed.”

She was shaking by the time she was done, but Aaron hugged her and nuzzled her ear.

“I missed you,” he said, swaying back and forth.

Idina wrapped her arms around his. “Me too,” she said. “I didn’t want to worry you since your so stressed out with work. I guess I thought if I just gave you some space it would all be fine.”

“You’re like my human stress ball,” he said, planting a kiss on her neck. “I can’t function properly without you.”

“Yeah,” she said, “me too. It was stupid, but you know how stubborn I am. And I know we were not in a good place when we left the cabin, so I just didn’t want to accidentally say or do something to worry you or stress you out more.”

“I was stressing out more worrying because you weren’t around.”

“I know,” she said. “I may or may not have slept in the bathtub one night because I forgot our guest bedroom existed. I was being petty.” She chuckled, hoping it would lighten the sentence. She truly did think it was kind of amusing. “Pregnancy brain,” she explained. “I’m going to do some whacky shit until these guys come, not mention fly off the handle multiple times when it finally hits me that I’m going to finally lose my bladder control after this. You’d better get good at changing diapers.” He chuckled at the last sentence. “And seriously, I will fly off the handle at some point. These hormones are crazy. So right now I just want to clear the air and say that I don’t mean it, I’ll probably just be mad at you for doing this to me, I will not be taking any responsibility for it, and I still love you no matter what crazy pregnant Idina says.”

“Dee, I handle clinically crazy every day. I promise you’re cake, okay? You’re not a burden for me.”

She snickered. “Cake! I want cake, Aaron.”

“Cravings?”

“If I say no will I still get some?”

“Not right now.”

“Yes, it’s a craving,” she replied. She tilted her head at batted her eyes at him.

He swore under his breath. “I was hoping you’d forgotten how to do that,” he said. “In the hospital and high you had a plethora of unrebukable faces to get me to do what you wanted.”

Suddenly encouraged and wanting cake more than ever, Idina tried some puppy-eyes.

“I’m a goner,” Aaron lamented. “I’m at your beck and call. Let my hands go and I’ll order you some cake.”

“Use my phone,” she said, pulling it out of her pocket. “I’ve got to much cash anyways and it’s for me.” Aaron was always insisting on paying his way even though Idina was more than capable of picking up some slack. She was not the biggest fan of him splurging on her all the time.

“I can get my pregnant wife a slice of cake without going broke,” he said defensively.

“I know, I just feel bad when you do, especially on something this silly.”

He caved. “Fine,” he said whilst taking her phone and opening the uber eats app. His arms were still wrapped around her waist and his chin was resting on her shoulder as he scrolled through the options, asking Idina what she was in the mood for.

“Gluten-free and dairy-free,” she reminded him. “And cream-cheese icing.”

“That’s not dairy-free,” he teased. She licked his temple in response. He exhaled in amusement, rolling his eyes as he somehow managed to find a dairy-free, gluten-free cake with cream cheese icing (though probably without real cream cheese). “There, it should be here in a half-hour.”

Idina felt the urge to vomit again and tenderly pushed Aaron off as she braced herself over the sink. He held onto her upper arms supportively. When she was finished, she reached for the mouthwash bottle. She had taken to stashing them near every sink and her strategically placed puke bowls.

“So, what’s with the gauze?” he asked finally.

“I just hurt myself,” she said. “I figured I’d just do that and not worry about it.” She did not want to tell him she had been pinching herself the first week back. She had stopped now, but she did not want to worry him. They only had a few more hours till he had to leave for work anyways. And he was always on call.

“Is that true Dee?”

She did not want to lie to him. She was telling him the truth and implying a lie. That was different than blatantly lying to him. If she said ‘yes, I hurt myself,’ she had a feeling he would know exactly when she meant. But she said it anyway because she had promised honesty. “I’ve stopped though. I was just out of it because of all that stuff with Taye. I promise I haven’t done it in a while,” she said quickly. “I was still mad and being petty, so I didn’t say anything and then you were all stressed out, so I did not want to bother you when I am fine.”

“You’re supposed to tell me this,” he said without affection. “You’re supposed too,” he whispered breathlessly. “Don’t put this on me.”

“I’m not!” she exclaimed. “I know I should have; I just did not want too.” She turned to face him and cupped his face. “Aaron, I was worried for you, okay? I decided to put you before me this time. Not because I think I am less than or not equal too, because I love you. You need help sometimes just as much as I do. And I texted my therapist, so do not go off on me about that.” She added in a bunch of his arguments because he could not argue with himself on this.

“You promised you would tell me,” he reiterated.

“Yes, I know,” she said, looking down. “And I broke that promise.”

“Dee, I love you and-“

“Can we just drop it?” she snapped. “I’m fine now and I’ll tell you _if_ it happens again.”

“No,” he said. “This is serious, Dee. You are hurting yourself.”

“Was,” she corrected. “Just because you weren’t the one to help me doesn’t mean I did not get help. You are my true love, but you are not my entire world. There are other people besides you, Aaron. I am not one of your clients. I apricate everything you do for me, but I am not one of your clients. I am your wife. You do not have to be the solution to every single one of my problems. And currently, your clients matter more than we do. They are in a worse place than I am, and they need you right now. I cannot take you away from them. I could not forgive myself and you would not either.” Her stomach growled.

Aaron still seemed a bit annoyed, but other than making Idina promise to tell him next time, he did not press the issue. He offered her some omelettes.

“Those are the cheese ones, Dee,” Aaron said as Idina took the wrong omelette.

“I know,” she said as she went to the fridge and poured in the bowl of leftover mushy carrots from last night.

“What on earth are you doing?”

“Cravings,” she said. “Carrots in dairy. It was the same when I was pregnant with…” she trailed off. Obviously not Walker. “It was the same when I was pregnant before,” she restated. “I used to eat raw carrots dipped in the fattiest yogurt it could find. Taye thought it was disgusting.”

“I could have ordered a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting if you wanted,” he said.

“Blech,” she replied, walking towards the couch instead of the kitchen table. She sat down and mixed it all up and took a large, soggy bite. “Yum,” she said, teasing Aaron who came and sat down beside her.

“Any others?” he asked.

“Actually yeah, orange juice.”

“There’s some in the fridge,” he replied.

“Yeah but it’s not good,” she said. “It tastes off. You said it would stop tasting off when I started eating again. And I know you were crunching up vitamins… wait maybe that is it! I tried doing that, but maybe I had the proportions wrong. Could you make up a glass with whatever you put in it before?”

“Sure,” he said expressionlessly. He got up and made her some orange juice.

“Oh my god that’s it!” she exclaimed. “Write down what you did, and I won’t chew you out for getting the babies addicted to pills before they’re even out of the womb,” she said. She swore in pure ecstasy as she took another sip. “That’s better than baby-making,” she told him and swore again, a giddy smile on her face. She chugged the entire glass.

He could not help but smile. He could not stay mad at her for long. She was looking out for him, just as he was looking out for her. There was a give and take, a push and pull to relationships. They were still working out the kinks. It was not fair for someone to be on one hundred percent all the time, it would wear them both out. They both needed to be put first, and while he wanted to put Idina first in everything, he had to admit that he did need some care right now. He had fallen asleep in his office for crying out loud! He would never ha done that before. And he was stress dreaming about Idina, which just made him more worried, which made him more stressed. If he did not stop soon, he would start spiralling like his wife.

She leaned over and kissed him. She tasted like orange juice. Aaron took lead, pushing her down on the couch and running his hand under her shirt as she encouraged him. This was exactly what he needed right now. His Dee kissing him senseless after he had just helped her through her pregnancy cravings. Because she was pregnant and was obsessed with that tiny little detail that made a tiny bump in her perfect abs, somehow making her more perfect if that was possible. They had their eyes closed.

“Ah, Walker!” Idina suddenly exclaimed.

Aaron opened his eyes to find that Walker was staring intently at them, his face way too close for either of their likings. They both jumped away from each other, Aaron landing himself on the opposite end of the sofa.

“Is that baby-making kissing?” he asked.

“Uh, no?” Idina stammered.

“So, it’s grown-up kissing then?” he asked. “You’ve never kissed me like that.”

“No, I haven’t,” Idina said, unsure what he was getting at.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because it’s inappropriate,” she replied. “And illegal,” she added.

“Yeah,” Aaron agreed. “Walk, if anyone, especially an adult, tries to kiss you like that, call the police and tell us, okay?”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated Walk,” Idina said. “I know we told you a lot, but there’s some stuff you just need to learn as you grow up with everyone else. Just promise if anyone tries, you’ll tell me.”

“Okay,” he said. “Why were you making those noises? Was he hurting you?”

“No,” Idina said, “they’re um, they’re good noises…” she tried to explain. “It’s just what happens when he does something I like.”

“I don’t get it.” He pouted. “What did Aaron do that you like?”

Idina looked to Aaron for support. “I’m just a very good kisser,” he said with a wink. Idina snorted and hid her burning cheeks in her hands.

“Oh, okay.” Walker did not seem satisfied, but he knew he would not get anything else out of them. “But how are you a good kisser? Was Dad a good kisser?”

“Walker, please stop,” Idina said, somewhere between trying not to laugh her face off and trying not to get mad at him.

“I don’t remember if you made noises when Dad kissed you. Is that why you broke up? Because he was a bad kisser?”

“No,” replied Idina.

“So, he was a good kisser.”

“Walker, please drop it,” she said, her mother tone slipping for a second and her annoyance showing.

“But I-“

“Walker Nathaniel, I said drop it,” she told him sternly.

He shrank away. “Sorry,” he said, before going into the basement, presumably to play videogames.

Idina started crying. Aaron crawled over to her and hugged her.

“I didn’t mean to get mad at him…” she sobbed. “I just wanted him to stop asking questions. I know he wants to know why we broke up, but I do not want to tell him. It is not right. Not right now with Taye where he is. I don’t want to vilify him to his son.”

“You will have to tell him sometime,” Aaron said cautiously.

“No,” she replied, “I don’t. Taye can tell him. Tell his son just how much of a jerk he was and all of that. Taye’s going to flip if I say a word against him like that.”

“But he did do all of that stuff Dee.”

“I know Aaron I lived through it,” she barked.

“He really hurt you,” her husband observed though light, chaste, and caring kisses.

“Isn’t it obvious,” she bawled. “I’m having a breakdown about it because Walker asked me one question.”

“Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones?” he offered, unsure what else to say. He had turned off his therapist mode of the second he had found her sleeping in his arms. She was right when she had implied that she wanted to be his break from his job.

She stopped crying. “Yeah,” she said. “That’s it. I’m carrying twin parasites and they’re making me hormonal.”

“Parasites?”

“They’re the definition of a parasite,” she explained, “They live in my body and mooch from me and their survival depends on me. They even control my moods to a degree and give me food cravings. That all very parasitic. And-“ she said, cutting him off before he could say anything “- if you start going all psych doctorate on my about why I’m calling them parasites I’ll bludgeon you with carrots.”

“Touché,” he said, holding his hands up in defeat. “You win.”

“Good,” she said with a smirk. “I need some winning right about now.”

“Erika?” he asked.

“I said not to go all therapist on me.”

“That was about the parasites. Now, do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Not yet,” she said. “You’re a therapist, my mom’s a therapist, I have a therapist. I think I need to go to a therapist so that they can tell me I have a problem with therapists, then blame it on all the therapists in my life.”

Aaron chuckled. “That’s not a bad problem to have. At least you’ve got a healthy outlet to deal with your issues.”

“See, that exactly what a therapist would say to someone who had a therapist problem. MONEY!” she exclaimed. “And I have so much of it.”

“That twice in the past half hour you’ve mentioned it.”

“I’ve come to the realization we cannot live on your salary and I need a job but I can’t let anyone see my face until the bruise clears and soon I’ll be showing and I know you hate spending more than we earn and I hate it too and I don’t want to dip into our savings, especially because I’m trying to divert some of it into a fund for Erika so that whether she with us or not she can go to university somewhere.” Idina took a deep breath.

“I could ask for raise…”

“No, don’t do that! Well, I mean like not unless you want too, don’t get on your boss’s bad side.” She just continued to ramble on until Aaron told her to stop.

“Look, Dee, I don’t like feeling like a leech, you don’t like feeling like you’re making me pay for things I can’t afford. I do not see why I cannot ask for a raise. The clients will not pay more and judging by the number of secretaries there are I am sure they have got it in the budget somewhere. Or I could start a private practice. If this is worrying you, I can sort it out.”

“It’s not worrying me,” she said.

“Doesn’t sound like it. If you want to work this out, we can.”

“No, it’s fine. I am just frustrated that I am not working. I have got some auditions lined up, and the bruise is fading so it is not that hard to cover up. But it is nothing big because once I start showing people will notice.”

“You don’t have to hide it,” Aaron said.

“People might think you gave it to me,” she replied, meaning the bruise. “That could hurt you and your career. And I don’t want anyone outside this house and Dr. Jackson knowing about the twins.”

“That’s your choice,” he said. He paused. “So, what happened with Erika? She hasn’t come down for breakfast yet.”

“Things were going so well and-“

“There is the issue, things were going well,” Aaron said.

“I know,” she said. “It’s still frustrating.”

“If she’s pushing back, it means she’s worried she’ll actually want to live with us.”

“I hope so, sometimes I just think she doesn’t like us. And I think my plan is not working. I think I need to push a bit harder. We can just float through this for the next few years, but then nothing will change.”

“She’s just going to push back harder.”

“Yeah, but I feel like we’re headed towards some large fight and as soon as we trigger it, things might get a whole lot better.”

“I won’t argue with you on that, however that big fight is going to be disastrous, Dee,” Aaron said. “I’ve seen it before. I would not rule out it being a three-way yelling match between the three of us if it comes to it. She can read us like a book, she knows we never yell at each other. She knows a lot of things she’ll use against us.”

“I got her to admit that hugs make her uncomfortable because she doesn’t understand them,” Idina said. “Which honestly was not what I was expecting.”

“I don’t get how you’re able to talk to her. She’d never tell me something like that.”

“Yeah, but you’re able to get her to play a card game or cook with Walker. I’ve never been able to get her to play cards with me.”

“It’s like she knows exactly what we want and isn’t giving it to us. You want a thing, so she is not giving you a thing. She is giving you a bunch of dead ends and clues you cannot do anything with. I want all those clues because I am a therapist and that is what I look for. Instead, she is giving me things. Things I can’t interpret or decipher all that well.”

“Sometimes I feel like she gets on better with you,” Idina said.

“I’d say the same for you,” he replied. “But we represent different roles. You: mother, big sister. Me: father, brother. We have no idea what her relationships are to those roles. One might be easier to fill than another.”

“I have a feeling it might be yours. I do not think she is had a father figure or big brother to look up too, so you would be the first. You’ve got no competition.”

“Dee, I fine just letting her exist for a bit. I really do not want to push her into the big fight, especially right now. I do not think either of us could deal with everything that is going on right now. And who knows, maybe we will just get lucky or Dr. Snow will manage to get through to her or something, and things will just suddenly start working in our favour. And either way, we know she’s been making progress. It’s just a long road and the end’s not in sight.”

“Yeah,” Idina agreed with a smile, “she has been. That is better than none. And she is trying in her way, we need to respect that.”

“For what it is worth, Idina, I think you made the right call. I’m sorry I tried to talk you out of it after those few months.”

“Don’t be, I was being slightly irrational. I can’t forget that I have Walker. It’s a sibling thing. You can’t put one over the other to the point where one is being neglected. And that goes for my husband too. I just could not find the balance when I was literally across the country.” She paused and crawled into his lap, leaning onto his chest. “I missed talking to you,” she said. “I’m sorry for… I do not even know what. Getting all caught up in me.”

His hands instinctively went to her bump and he started rubbing it, making his wife smile. “It’s fine. I was not fighting for us either. I could have said something sooner. How has your new album been coming along?”

“Not so good. I’ve got some melodies, but I can’t for the life of me think up any lyrics. I want to write about all of this, well sort of. I want to write a song for Walker, and for you, and for the twins and, a few for Erika. One about how much I want her to see us like family and one about how amazing it is watching some discover so many things for the first time. I just can’t seem to put it eloquently. I’ve basically been writing down exactly what I told you.”

“At least it’s a start,” he replied. “Could I hear the melody?”

“Sure.” Idina hummed a few bars or her favourite one.

“That’s beautiful,” he replied.

“That one’s for you,” she said, making them both smile.

“I’m honoured.”

“And I’ve got a few auditions too. Nothing big, mostly voice work for small projects, but I believe in them, they are interesting, but I cannot say too much yet. My manager’s trying to write that I need my solo in everything, but honestly, I would not mind a project where I am not signing occasionally. And besides, these little ones are going to start pushing on my diaphragm so belting will go out the window for a while.”

“Well break a leg, Dee. I can’t wait to see what you do next.” He kissed her temple. “Everything you do is amazing.”

“I poop. Is that amazing?” she deadpanned.

“The human body is amazing,” he replied instantaneously.

“Good save.” They sat there in silence for a few minutes. “There are some meetings tomorrow about Erika,” she said, “I know it’s your day off, but I was wondering if you could come anyways. Simply basic stuff with the school, Dr. Snow, and Florence. If you need to de-stress that is fine, I just thought maybe you’d want to come.”

“Of course, I’ll come,” he said. “You are not in this alone. Just remember that. I am here too.”

“Maybe we should try working together with Erika, not just separately. See what happens.”

“You know,” he said, “that sounds like a particularly good idea.”

“And Kristen and Dax invited up to a backyard party in two weeks.”

“I’ll see if I can clear up my schedule,” he replied. “Or at least pop by for a spell. I need some time out of the house and the office. But even if I cannot make it, go. Take the kids. Maybe Erika will meet a friend.”

“I was planning on going with our without you.”

“Good. Now, I know you still feel bad about Walker. Why don’t you go talk to him and I will see if I can get Erika to come down and eat something before it is lunchtime. Then maybe we can watch a movie before I have to go.”

“Is watching a movie really what you want to do before you go?” Idina asked.

“Anything with you,” he replied. “As long as you come back to bed tonight.”

“I will, I promise,” she said. “Will you record a song with me for my album if I asked?”

“Of course!” he said.

“Maybe two even?”

“Yes Dee, all you have to do is ask.”

“I’ll let you know when I’m asking then,” she replied as she stood up. She planted a kiss on his brow. “I’m going to go talk to my son,” she informed him much to his approval. “See what you can do with Erika. I think after tomorrow we can make some plans to regroup. We _will_ be a family.” With that, she left the room and headed to the basement where her son was playing videogames.

She stayed there for a while, just playing with him until she finally told him why she was upset. The stuff between her and Taye had gotten messy. They said they just fell out of love, but there was always more to it. She promised he would understand when he was older, it was just too messy and complicated right now and even though it had been about seven years it still hurt. When you spend eighteen years dating and being married, losing that person is like losing a limb. They tried to sever themselves as cleanly as possible, but they opened themselves up to infection instead. They’d been entwined since ’96. It had been so long, and it hurt. And she did not tell Walker this, but sometimes she had wished she had met Aaron sooner. Or seen him, really seen him, sooner. Back in 2005. Before things got messy with Taye. But then she would not have this amazing child before and who knows where her life would be. She never regretted Walker, only that she had sabotaged herself with Taye. And she never regretted the ones that came before Walker. Even if it hurt. They had reminded her what love was like in times when she had needed the reminder. Now she had Aaron, Walker, and the twins. And Erika. She was surrounded by people she loved.

They played _Skylanders_ for a while. It was one of the few games Idina was decent at, probably because it was directed towards little children. Those little creatures always ended up everywhere and she swore he had more than he ever needed, but Walker always insisted on checking the used bin at the game shop for one he did not have. And he would buy them with his allowance, so she let him. Idina was using Whirlwind, who had been nicknamed Elsa because the flying unicorn reminded her a bit of her Disney alter-ego and sometimes she just needed to let it go and be a flying unicorn.

Aaron brought her down her cake when it arrived. She shared with Walker. After an hour, she called it quits and told Walker he had to come upstairs. They were going to have a family movie morning before Aaron had to leave for his practice and Erika was going to choose the film. Aaron did all the talking to get Erika to pick out a movie from what they had. She chose the first _Lord of the Rings_ ; which Walker had never seen. Though it started quite slowly, it seemed to be a hit with her son.

Half-way through, Aaron's phone rang. It was an emergency, he had to go now. Idina kissed him goodbye and wished him luck before he disappeared out the door.

* * *

Idina was sitting on the kitchen counter, trying to write down some lyrics when Erika came into the kitchen, looking for a snack. Idina growled in frustration and crumpled up another piece of paper. She was trying everything. She had taken all her favourite lines, but them out so that she could organize and rearrange them and was trying to write in-between lines to bridge them. It was not working.

“What are you doing?” Erika asked, startling her.

“Working on a new album,” Idina replied. “Only I can’t seem to write a single song so it’s going to be quite the catastrophe.”

“Oh.”

They said nothing as Erika poured some crackers into a bowl, then she walked over to the island and looked over Idina’s shoulder.

“Is that all for the same song?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s pretty disjointed, what’s it supposed to be about?”

“Well, umm…” you, she did not say. “Emotions,” she replied.

“All of them? ‘Cause it looks like you’re trying to do all of them. I think that would be overwhelming for even a normal adjusted person.”

Idina stared up at her. She was biting her thumb, her eyes fixed on the papers. Then she took some of Idina scarps and started rearranging them. Idina watched curiously, too startled and nervous to try and stop whatever was happening.

When the girl was done, she said: “There, at least your metaphors are sorted. Water, fire, war,” she said, pointing to them. “You’d have to be writing an epic to for all three in.”

Idina stared down. Suddenly, phases she thought were inseparable were separated, sticking to something else like glue. Things she had written with the same meaning and intent behind were torn apart and standing beside something that until now, she had seen as different. She knew exactly what she was trying to say now. They were not fire and water, they were fire and ice, trapped in a war, wearing each other down. It was all clicking.

“Maybe try thinking about what the metaphors mean as a whole and individually instead of coming up with metaphors to describe a meaning,” she said. Then she walked back upstairs.

Idina followed her. She came up to Erika’s room and knocked on the doorframe. “May I come in?”

“I’m not stopping you.”

“What was that?” Idina asked, walking up to Erika’s desk.

“What was what?”

“What just happened?”

“I gave you Mrs. Brentnall’s ‘your poems suck’ workshop in five minutes?”

“Okay, but why?”

“Because it did suck,” the girl replied. “Aren’t you supposed to be good at this? Like I didn’t think you’d need an English teacher’s help.”

“Why did you help me?”

“I don’t know,” she said.

“Can I see some of your poems?” she asked.

“I never wrote any,” Erika said, shutting her down.

“But I-“ Idina did not know what to argue. “Uh, thanks, then for helping. I might have something I can send to my agent and manager soon.” She turned and walked out of the room, feeling very, very odd. This was the complete opposite of what had happened only a few hours ago.


	47. Chapter 47

Aaron trudged back into the house at one in the morning. His afternoon shift soon became eventing overtime soon became filling out more paperwork than he could count when a new client attacked him. He was sore, hungry, tired, and he missed his wife. The house was quiet and dark when he walked in, locking the door behind him. It was exactly how he would expect it, a bit messy and disorganized and all Idina’s handiwork. It was claiming.

He climbed up the stairs quietly, not wanting to wake anyone. He changed out of his jeans but did not bother with his shirt, then went to bed where he found Idina curled up in his spot with a pillow and her teddy bear. She was asleep like the dead, solid and stuck in place. Aaron walked around the bed to the other side of the bed and felt something cold as he crawled in. Searching around in the covers and pulled out Idina’s Tony. He had forgotten to gift it to her. He smirked and placed it on the bedside.

He laid down, finally rousing Idina a small bit.

“Aaronnnn…” she moaned and stirred. She somehow rolled herself closer to him.

“Hey Dee, it’s late, go back to sleep,” he said.

“How l-late,” she mumbled.

“It’s one in the morning,” he said as she pulled herself closer to him.

“It’s early, not late,” she said semi-coherently.

He was waking her. She crawled onto his chest and collapsed on top of him, crossing her arms on his collarbone and using them as a pillow. She was heavier now then she had been their first night at the cabin, a sign she was eating well and that the babies were growing, but she was still light enough to sleep on top and not make him uncomfortable.

She muttered something incoherently and stuck the stuffed bear beside his cheek and kissed his chin before her breaths deepened and she grew heavier as she nodded off. He hugged her around the waist and let himself fall asleep.

* * *

Aaron awoke to the sound of Idina vomiting; cold and with nothing but the duvet and teddy bear on his chest.

“Dee, you alright?”

“Yeah,” came the hoarse reply. “Everything’s fine and dandy, I’ve just given up on the sink because it’s too high and mighty, even for me.”

The toilet flushed and Idina gargled some mouthwash before coming back to the bed and crawling back onto her husband.

“You can’t be up yet,” she said. “You were up far too late last night, and I’m not done sleeping and you’re now my mattress, so you are stuck here until I say so. Now go back to sleep,” she ordered. She bundled the bear up under her head and feigned sleep, a smile on her lips.

Aaron looked at the bedside clock. It was seven in the morning on a Sunday. He could stay here, prisoner of his wife for a while longer. Now that it was morning, he could tell that she was wearing his shirt and short summer bottoms. He would have wondered if she had been cold, but her skin was pushed up against the fabric of his pants and he could feel the heat radiating from her.

“Dee,” he said after a while, “I have to get up, my back is cramping.”

“Oh! Sorry,” she said, jumping off him. She helped him up into a sitting position. “Turn,” she ordered, “I’ll get the knots out.” She pulled off his shirt and started massaging his back.

“Where did you learn this?” he asked.

“I asked Dr. Jackson for some tips,” she explained. “I don’t want to go to any of those maternity classes, especially if you’re too busy. Because then people will know. And I thought about asking for someone privately, but unless I can get them to sign an NDA before they even know what I am hiring them for there’s no guarantee, not to mention if they don’t they could probably guess why I am asking them, so I asked her what she knew.”

“You’ll have to teach me,” he replied. “Whatever she told you must be black magic.”

“I’m going to make you learn, mark my wo-“ she stopped. “Aaron,” she whispered, her hands grazing over the nail marks on his lower back from the attack last evening. “What are, w-who,” her heart sounded like it was breaking. “You came home so late…” she pulled back from him, frozen in the seconds before a sob.

He turned to her on a dime. “No Idina,” he said quickly. “It’s not that, I swear,” he pleaded as she drew further back, her face fracturing into a million pieces. “I got attacked by a patient last night, that’s why I was late.” He tried to reach out to her, but she waved him off shaking her head, her lower lip quivering. “Look, here,” he said, pointing to other bruises and markings. “It took two men to get us apart. I swear Dee, that’s it, it’s just coincidence, please,” he pleaded. He stuck out his arm and made her see the similar marks that were scabbing across his arm. “I’d never hurt you, I swear,” he whispered.

She leaned back against the headboard and pulled her knees to her chest and started crying. “I’m sorry,” she said through tears, “I just thought the worst.” She buried her face in her knees, her frame shaking. “Are you okay? I have not even bothered to ask that yet… I don’t even know why I’m crying.” She did not look at him.

He hugged her and rubbed her back as her silhouette shook. “I don’t blame you; I should have said something as to not shock you. I am fine, I promise, just some cuts and bruises.” He peppered her in kisses. “I’m so sorry Dee, I wasn’t thinking, I never meant to give you the wrong impression. I swear I would never do anything like that, anything that could hurt you. You are the girl for me, my drug, my world, the mother of my children. I absolutely adore you.”

She broke free from his grasp, throwing herself over the side of the bed as she tried to catch the puke bowl. She rolled over on her back in defeat, her face blotchy, staring at the ceiling, tears still in her eyes.

“I missed it,” she admitted, starting to cry again, her hand on her forehead. “My head hurts.”

Aaron reached for the water glass on her bedside table. “Sit up, Chickadee,” he said, hoping the per name might make her feel better. He knew he had upset her, but he also knew some of it might be hormones making her feel everything harder. Yet he did not want to minimize how he had made her feel. He helped her up and pulled her into her lap, pressing the glass to her lips. “You’re dehydrated,” he said, “this might help.”

She held the glass with him as she took a few large gulps.

“I’m a mess,” she whispered. “I’m hormonal and I don’t trust you and-“

“Idina, don’t start,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s not your fault; I don’t blame you.”

“Taye cheated,” she said flatly. “And I found out because,” she cut herself off with a sob, “Because he had marks on his back for one thing, and when I saw them, saw yours, I just jumped to conclusions-“

“As any rational person might,” he comforted. “There aren’t many conclusions to jump to with that. Quite honestly I forgot about them or I would have said something.”

“Taye always told me I wasn’t enough,” she continued but no longer crying. She was rubbing his arm. She rested her head on his chest. “He always said I wasn’t, and I was lucky he stayed when my looks started to fade, and we lost our second child. That was the girl I told you about. The one who almost made it. We did not name her though because Taye kept thinking I was going to lose her like I did the other, but I wanted too. And then he just wanted to keep trying and trying. I think he was saying anything to get me in bed with him or maybe he just wanted to baby trap me, I do not know. But when I found out he just when off, kept on saying how it was my fault and if I’d been better it never would have happened and how bad of a mother I was to Walker for working all the time and making him take care of our son while I was out and not doing my duty,”

“We could name her,” he said, “if you want too. You can name her now.” He kissed her cheek and rocked her back and forth. She needed closure.

“I want too,” she replied. “I really do.”

“Then do it, honey,” he encouraged, kissing her again. “Taye can’t stop you now.”

She nodded. “I used to call her Bella when he wasn’t around because I knew she’d have been the prettiest girl on the planet, but I don’t feel like that’s her name,” she said, talking herself through it. “What do you think?”

“It’s up to you, Dee,” he said.

“I want your input.”

“Alright.” He thought for a moment. “What about something close to Bella, like Isobel, or Bellamae?”

“Isobella?” Idina asked.

“If that’s what you want,” he replied.

“I like it,” she said, leaning back and kissing his cheek in relief. “Thank you, Aaron. Truly, I needed that. And I am sorry for doubting you. We both made bad decisions, let’s just leave it there. Isobella,” she said, forming the name on her lips. “I love it, thank you for helping me with that.” She pulled Aaron’s arms around her and looked at his wounds. “Are you sure you’re okay? What happened?”

“I needed to assess whether or not this woman was stable enough to give testimony for a custody battle. Obviously, she was not. I cannot say more than that. And I am fine, do not worry. Just some scrapes and bruises, nothing serious. And they said I am not on call today,” he added. It was not exactly the answer she was looking for, but he did want to do anything but reassure her. “Everything considered. I work for a therapist form; you’d think they’d pay a bit more attention to the mental health of their employees sometimes.”

“That’s nice, and I’m going to be dragging you all around the city instead of doing something enjoyable.”

“Working things out with Erika is exactly what I want to do on my day off,” he replied. “We will be a family one day, Dee, and it will be marvellous. You, me, Erika, Walker, the twins, a dog or two. It’ll be a crazy house until Erika goes off to university and then we’ll be worried about her every time she’s not on the phone with us and we’ll force her to come home for every single holiday we can think of. And Walker will start high school and that will be a whole new type of chaos with the toddlers and daycare and preschool. But they will be the happiest toddlers in the world. And you will be off doing something amazing all over the world with your face on every billboard and I will bring the kids everywhere you go so that we are always together as a family. How does that sound?”

“Nice,” she replied, “it sounds lovely. How’s your back?”

“It’s a bit sore,” he admitted, “but a whole lot better thanks to you.”

‘Turn around, I’ll finish it for you,” she ordered, getting up onto her knees and twirling her index finger around, gesturing for him to do as she said. He complied and Idina resumed getting the kinks and knots out of his back. “Better?” she asked when she was done.

“Yes,” he replied.

Idina’s stomach growled.

“How about you get yourself some carrots dipped in cream cheese, since I do not think we have any yogurt, and I’ll clean up the floor. I just realized I forgot to write down the proportions for the orange juice, but I’ll make it fresh when I’m done.”

“You don’t need to clean up after me.”

“What if I want too?”

“You’re disgusting,” she teased.

“You made the mess,” he pointed out.

“Yup, and now I’m not cleaning it up.” She patted him on the back. “Good luck.” She got off the bed headfirst in a way that justified her feet dangling under his nose. He grabbed one a kissed it for good measure.

* * *

They went to Dr. Snow’s first. It was a short visit. Erika was making progress, all they needed was time. And seriously, get her into an extracurricular. Get her a job. It does not matter, but she needs to do something. It will help, Dr. Snow promised. Everything needed time. Time time time, that was all anyone ever said.

Their second meeting was just a check-in with the school, taking place while Erika had a session with Snow. Her marks were average. She was not acting out necessarily, but she was not the easiest kid in her class. She was not exceptional in any sense, good or bad, though had had a 99% in gym. The missing one percent was from participation she had lost while they were in the cabin and she had to be penalized because she exceeded the number of permissible absences to not have a one percent deduction. Of course, they could not say anything for sure about her progress as she had missed out most of September due to not yet being enrolled, and the few weeks they had spent at the cabin. Her midterms in January would give a clearer idea of her academic capabilities and whether she could be a candidate for Honours next year. Her report card would come in December with her first term marks and give a better idea as well. Again, Idina and Aaron had to wait for something.

The last meeting of the day was with Florence. Erika noticeably seemed on edge, so something was bugging her, but whenever asked she stated that everything was fine unless they had a reason why it should not be. But when they stepped into the social worker’s office, they could instantly feel whatever energy had been concerning Erika. Something was off.

The three of them took their seats across from Florence and her secretary, Erika sitting in between them. They knew they were here to talk about adoption, as they were now about three months away from Florence’s projected time and they wanted to get the ball rolling.

The conversation started civil, with Florence going over their files and congratulating them and Erika on making progress. However, progress was not enough with the current situation.

Idina looked over to Erika who smirked at her, like as if she had known this was going to happen.

“The threats are void now,” Idina reasoned. Florence was not in on it. No one besides the caseworkers and the five of them was in on it. It had to be that way, which worked better for their case that Erika was safe.”

“Well,” Florence said.

“This has nothing to do with the blackmails, does it?” Erika asked out of turn. “When you came to the house, it was because the situation has changed, and had back then. It was more luck timing than anything.”

Idina looked ta her, then to her husband. She took the girl’s hand. “Is she right?” Idina asked. “Is there something we don’t know.”

“The goal of the foster system is to place the child with a family. However, reuniting with biological family takes precedence,” she explained slowly, let each work sink in.

“I don’t understand,” Idina said, subconsciously pulling Erika’s hand into her lap possessively like she might have done Aaron’s if she had caught someone ogling him.

“You’re not her biological family,” Florence pointed out.

“I know,” Idina said.

“But no one knows where they are,” Aaron said. “Surely that can’t matter here, now, after all this time.” He found himself wrapping an arm around Erika too. Whether it was to support her or him, he was not sure. She was _his_ daughter, legally or not, she was his emotionally.

Erika was sitting stoic and straight-faced between them.

“They’re not anymore,” Florence said. “They’ve all the proper paperwork and blood tests and while right now they don’t want custody, they have not officially revoked their parental rights.”

 _They abandoned her!_ Idina wanted to scream. But she did not want to say that in front of fragile Erika. She looked over at the girl. Something had changed in her expression. Abandonment auto-revoked parental rights. Or at least it should.

“They do however want to see her.”

No one had time to breathe before Erika stood up, nearly knocking her chair over, and stormed out the door, slamming it as loud as she possibly could on her way out. Idina and Aaron exchanged glances, then followed her.

“Erika,” Idina said, reached out and pulling her back.

“What?” she snapped.

“Are you okay?”

“What do you think?”

Aaron interjected. “That was a silly question,” he said calmly. “Come, let’s sit down.”

“No,” she said.

“Erika,” Idina pleaded.

“No,” the girl reiterated firmly.

Somehow, they managed to maneuver her to the couch in the waiting room and took a seat on either side of her. She was in shock. Aaron reached over to the coat rack for his heavy winter coat and draped it over her shoulder like a stress or shock blanket. Erika was biting her thumb while Idina rubbed her back.

“You don’t have to see them,” Aaron said, breaking the silence.

The girl did not say anything, she just shook her head. “I knew something would happen,” she muttered under her breath. “Something always does.”

“Hey, Erika, it’s okay,” Idina said. “We can sort this out.”

Erika was not saying anything, but they continued to tell her it would be alright, and everything would work out for the better. They did not admit that they did not believe that or had no idea what the best was, only that they wanted to keep Erika. Even though she was not saying anything, she seemed to be responding internally to whatever Aaron was telling her, as her knees were pointed towards him and she was sitting closer to him than to Idina. Taking a risk, Aaron took one of her hands. He was not one for physical contact; it was Idina forte, but it seemed necessary here and Idina rubbed her back and they both kept telling her it would be okay.

“Want to tell us what your feeling?” Aaron asked for what seemed like a million times and he was again met with a head-shaking ‘no’.

“Want a hug?” he asked.

She did nothing, so, while looking at Idina, he slowly wrapped her in a hug, seeing how she reacted. She seemed fine, and Idina joined in, moving closer as she did so. Idina felt Erika’s hand wrap around hers as she wrapped her other arm around Aaron. They stayed like than until Florence came out. Idina shot glared daggers at the social worker even though none of this was her fault, she was just the messenger.

One of them had to go in and sort this out, but who?

“Do you want me to go?” Aaron asked Erika.

She was quiet for a moment before she said: “No.”

Idina felt rejected and proud at the same time. She pushed down the feeling that Erika was ding this maliciously. She had been spending more time with Aaron. Aaron, in all likelihood, had the role that was easier for him to fill than Idina did.

Idina patted Erika on the back and told her that she would be returning soon. She also squeezed Aaron’s hand for a split second for encouragement.

She followed the social working into her office.

“So,” Idina said, still more than just a bit annoyed, “What’s going to happen next?”

They talked for a long time. Longer than Idina had planned don. Elvira and Elija had runaway to Sweden, changed their identities and lived out some goat farming fantasy that did not involve children. Eventually, they met with a spiritual healer who made them feel guilty and they came back to America to search for their daughters. Elsa was dead and Erika was all over the news, bringing them here. Right now, they just wanted to get to know her. That was it.

But it still made Idina worry. Erika was amazing. What if they wanted to invoke their parental right? What if they got in the way of her and Aaron? There were so many questions and what-ifs reeling through her brain.

“You don’t have to do anything,” Florence said. “Right now.”

“And what about what Erika wants? If it comes to a custody battle, when then?”

“Her opinions will be taken into account, but it only works if she knows both parties,” Florence said, “and the judge has to determine that she has a good understanding of what’s best for her.”

So, Erika would have to convince Snow she understood what was best for her, and Snow was convinced she did not know what was best for her. Or Snow would have to determine that Erika was better off with them over her parents, even though parents were prioritized.

“Can we still proceed with the adoption?” Idina asked.

“Yes,” she replied. “However, it will not be a smooth process We will proceed as if nothing has changed, however, once it gets challenged, and I’m quite sure it will be, it will be a custody battle.”

Like what she’d gone through with Walker, only this time they weren’t figuring out visitation and litigation and co-parenting, it would be a proper custody battle. It was the messy stuff she’d never wanted a part in.

Idina nodded and went back outside to her husband and daughter. Erika had her knees against her chest and Aaron had an arm around her and was holding her hand on her knee. She did not look like she had been crying, but Idina could not tell if that was a good or a bad thing.

Her mind was still racing. Would this reset all their progress with Erika? She highly doubted the girl would want to connect now when there was a chance she’d be taken away. But then, there had always been that chance. Erika had seen it, they had not.

They left the building on either side of their daughter, who was still shaken up. Idina had never been so glad Walker was at a sleepover before, especially on a Sunday. His friend’s mom was going to bring all the kids into school.

When they got to the car Aaron ask Erika again if she was okay.

“I don’t know,” she said, finally saying something.

“That’s fine,” Aaron said.

“Yeah,” Idina said. “Sometimes there’s just too much and we can’t sort it out. It’s fine.”

They got her into the back seat.

“It’s bad,” Idina said when the door was closed, and she was out of earshot. “This is going to fail. And I was too stubborn to see it.” She paced back and forth. “How’s Erika.”

“I could barely get a word out of her,” Aaron said. “I’m going to go with not fine.”

Idina nodded and swore. “What do we do now?”

“Nothing different,” he said. “We proceed like we were going to this morning If we just give up on her now it’s never going to work This is like our big fight, only it’s not a fight. This is the moment when everyone else walks out, but we won’t.”

“Yes,” she said. “this is our moment.”

They got back into the car, Idina in the driver’s seat. She asked Erika if there was anywhere special where she wanted to go for supper, anywhere she could think of. Buffet, fast food, classy five stars. Erika wasn’t in the mood to sit down in a restaurant, and neither was Idina and Aaron. They opted for fast food, stopping at A&W and order too much food, none of it healthy.

Luckily for Idina, the twins had worse eating habits than her and the smell was making her salivate instead of wanting to vomit. She was going to have to work her butt off after the pregnancy to lose the weight, but she knew Aaron would be beside her squat for squat. And who knows, Erika was getting high marks in gym, maybe she’d be in the basement gym with them. And they’d rope Walker in too and it would be healthy family routine.

When they got home, they sat down at the kitchen table. Erika slowly got more vocal as the night went on with pleases and thank yous and could you please pass me a chicken finger? It progressed. When they were finished, there were little dished to be done so Idina quickly cleared the table and dumped the few things they had into the dishwasher before stopping Erika before the girl disappeared upstairs.

“Can we talk?” she asked tenderly.

Erika just looked around the room, rubbing her inner elbow nervously.

“Or I could just say stuff and you can listen,” she offered. “Come on,” she said softly, taking one of the girl’s hands and leading her to the couch where they sat down. Aaron sat down beside his wife.

“We still want to go through with the adoption process,” Aaron said, “if that’s what you want. If you want to live with them, when the time comes, there will be no hard feelings. And we’ll give you money for university too since we’ve already put it in a trust fund so it’s yours no matter what happens. We want what’s best for you.” Idina looked up at her husband lovingly.

Erika was quiet as he spoke. “It might not happen,” she said when he was done. “I told you something always happens and now it has,” she explained slowly, choosing her words. “Did they tell you they prioritize family over adoption?”

“Yes,” Idina said, “but that’s not discouraging us.” She took Aaron’s hand and they both smiled encouragingly.

“That’s stupid,” Erika said.

“Have you met me?” Idina asked. “I’m full of stupid and I broadcast it live to the world. I’m not worried by that,” she joked, hoping it would come off they were she intended. They had lasted this long with Erika being rational, and Idina was getting more and more certain Erika had given up on antagonizing her, at least for now.

“It’s not stupid,” Aaron said firmly but sweetly. “We have the information, so we’re not ill-informed. Ill-advised, possibly, but right now we’re not being advised against this.”

“You’re not?” she asked tentatively.

“No,” Idina said. “Of course, if you want us too.”

“You don’t have to decide now,” Aaron said. “If you want to meet them, you can, if you don’t that’s fine too. We will support you either way. It’s completely your choice.”

She was silent for a moment, staring her hands folded in her lap. “Okay,” she said cautiously, still thinking but feeling compelled to say something. She had no idea what to think. She knew she would get sent away, but she had not thought someone might take her from them with them fighting tooth and nail if she asked.

Was it fair to ask them too? She had no idea. Then they might get hurt and she did not want that. What did she want? She had no idea. She liked it here well enough when Idina left her alone. And Walker was cute, and she enjoyed cooking with him and Aaron. She did not mind Idina when she was not prying. Now the choice was hers.

Erika never wanted to see her parents ever, however she did not want to encourage the couple before her.

“Think about it,” Aaron said. “You can talk to us, or Snow, or whomever you’d like to.”

“Take as much time as you need,” Idina chimed in. “We’ll wait. We just want what’s best for you.”

For once, Erika believed them. No one would stick around through this; it was too dangerous. Unless they had too much to gain from her, yet Erika had been around long enough to say this was not the case. They clearly had what was best for her in their hearts. It was a pity there was nothing good in store for her. There never was. If she let herself go, she was sealing her fate to be taken away. Fate was cruel like that. It was always the good places where she was removed, the bad ones where she stayed. The second someone was semi-capable social services came pounding down the door, ready to remove the girl and place her somewhere more suitable. That would happen here.

Idina leaned over and hugged her and she put her arms around the star. Like the first day they’d met, Idina took that as encouragement and squeezed her tighter.

“Everything will be fine,” she said, kissing her temple.

Aaron joined in on the hug. Both of them were completely enveloping her. Idina kissed her temple a few more times.

“We love you, Erika, I know it sounds sappy and cliché, but we do. Walker does too. You’ll always be a part of our family, no matter what happens.”

“Yes,” Aaron said, agreeing with his wife. “We’re both here for you.”

“I know,” Erika said after a minute or two.


	48. Chapter 48

Idina sat with Erika almost all night. Aaron had to sleep; he had work tomorrow, so she took vigil over their daughter. She held the girl and talked to her to try and distract her.

“Why do you like reading?” she asked. She had her arms wrapped around Erika, who was leaning on her.

“I guess I kind of like getting lost in a book,” she said, making Idina smile.

It was maddening that it took something this awful to completely shatter all of Erika’s walls, but she was glad to finally be able to talk to her daughter. Idina was here to pick up the pieces.

“And?” she prompted.

“And, um,” Erika said softly, thinking. “Sometimes I get so lost I kind of forget about time and it’s like waking up from a really good dream.”

Idina kissed her forehead. “Escapism is amazing,” she said as she rubbed circled on the back of Erika’s hand.

They talked quietly for hours about trivial things, but things none the less that had been off bounds only a few hours ago. Erika reminded Idina of her sister Cara in some ways, especially when it came to the way she spoke about literature. Like there was something that just clicked in her mind when she saw black blobs against a white background, and it was suddenly so much more than anyone could imagine. The crushing weight of love was hitting Idina with each passing moment. She wished she could do something more than sit here and talk to help Erika. It was a burden on her chest and her words yet when she pulled the girl close and hugged her it made her feel warm and maternal, just like she felt when Walker came for cuddles. She could not believe no one had ever felt this for Erika before. They must have been sad people missing out on way too much in life.

“I don’t want to see them,” Erika said after a long pause of silence.

Idina did not need to ask for clarification, she knew exactly who she was talking about. “That’s completely fine,” she reassured, playing with the teen’s mousy brown hair. It was a few shades lighter than Idina’s and had gown to near elbow length in the past few months. The ends were unkept and dry but the hair closer to her skelp was healthy, a clear reflection of the improvement in Erika’s health. She kissed the girl’s cheek again as Erika yawned. “You have school tomorrow,” Idina reminded her, though she was fully prepared to keep Erika home if it seemed like she needed a mental break.

“Mhm,” Erika said, nodding.

“Anything excited?”

The girl yawned again. “No,” she replied.

“Do you need anything for school?”

“N-“ she paused. “Actually,” she said, making Idina perk up with anticipation. “For home ec, we have to make a quilt, and there is fabric we can use, but um…” she trailed off.

“You want anything else?” Idina offered.

“Yeah, kind of,” she admitted. “I saw a pattern for a double-layered jean quilt that looked nice, only they don’t have a bunch of old jeans. Or jean fabric,” she explained slowly.

“We can buy you some from Walmart if you want,” Idina said. “How many pairs do you want?”

“Well, um, it would work and look better with used jeans, like maybe if we went to a thrift store,” she said. “And then you can get different sizes and textures and sometimes you find something odd that would work well.”

“We can go on Friday,” Idina said. Her schedule was clear Friday afternoon, and likely, Aaron would be home in time to look after Walker for a few hours. “Do you get to bring it home when you’re done?” Idina asked. “I’d like to see it when you’re done. I’m sure it’ll look amazing.”

When Erika chose home ec as her elective, Idina had been surprised that a) they were still teaching home ec now and b) how well Erik was excelling in it. Aaron said it shouldn’t be a surprise, it was basic skills that she’d probably learnt when she was young. And her elective choice had been that or music. Erika claimed to be tone-deaf and Idina had no proof otherwise, so this had seemed like the safest option. They wanted her to excel and go to university and do amazing, world-changing things.

“I don’t know if we get to bring it back,” she said. These rich schools often donated or actioned off the work instead, giving the money to sketchy ‘charities’ and begging parents for donations on top of unjustifiably high tuitions that never seemed to go to the right place.

“That’s too bad.”

“It’s alright,” Erika said. “I just want to see if I can do it anyways.”

Idina smiled. That was exactly what she wanted to hear.

“Erika,” Idina said after a moment, her free hand still entangled in the girl’s brown locks. She paused a second to gather her courage. “I was thinking, for the holidays, Aaron and I kind of want to celebrate Hanukkah, but we do Christmas as well with Walker. If the blackmailer gets caught, he’ll be spending most of it with his dad. I guess I’m just asking what you want to do, or what are you comfortable with?”

“I’d prefer it is holidays ceased to exist,” she replied.

“Okay,” Idina said. “But if we chose to do Hanukkah, would you be comfortable with that?”

“I don’t know anything about it,” she replied. “But if it’s like Christmas then my original sentiment stands.”

“What don’t you like about Christmas?”

“Um, well,” she said, “I’m not a huge fan of six-hour masses, or fasting, or walking around the block for hours on end. All of it, I guess.”

“That’s not all there is to Christmas,” Idina argued.

“Could have fooled me,” she replied, implying she’d known nothing else but the strictest of Roman Catholic Christmases if she’d gotten to celebrate it at all.

“Well, there are gifts, and Santa Clause and good food.”

“Not if you’re fasting,” she pointed out. “Gifts make me uncomfortable and Santa Clause is a cooperate hoax.” Yesterday, Idina would have expected her to state this angrily, possibly aggressively. Now she just sounded defeated.

“Well, you’ll be pleased to learn that the only similarities are gifts and good food,” Idina said. “We’re not overly religious, as you may have noticed. Walker still believes in Santa, so please don’t say anything to him about the big guy being a cooperate hoax.” She paused for a moment. “I guess you haven’t had the best experiences?”

“None,” she replied.

“I’d like us to make our own then, our own traditions. So, my question still stands: Christmas or Hanukkah?”

“It really doesn’t matter to me,” Erika said softly. “You can choose whichever one you like best.”

“As I said, Aaron and I would like to do Hanukkah this year. And I would like to keep it up for the twins too. I have a lot of good memories from when I was a kid.”

Erika said nothing, playing with the hem of her light blue shirt.

“Miss the snow?” Idina asked.

“Yeah,” the girl replied.

The conversation was wearing thin and Erika yawned again. Idina wanted to push it further, but she also knew that this was one of the longest, most real ones they’d ever had. Pushing it was not fair on Erika. She was talking where and when she was comfortable and she’d gone this far because the new information they gained today had shattered all her walls, making her forgo any protective instincts she’d put up herself and rely on Idina and Aaron for protection. They could not abuse that. She was counting on them until she gets her bearings.

They both needed to sleep, but this was so nice and Idina did not want it to end just yet. Maybe Erika did not either, as she had not ended it. If Erika needed more time, Idina was willing to be tired for her. She’d done the same for Aaron and Walker, and Aaron did the same for her. It was only fair she did the same for Erika. It was what families do.

After a while, Idina found herself dozing off, but was suddenly brought back when Erika started whimpering and squirming. She’d fallen asleep and wasn’t having a peaceful time.

“Erika,” Idina asked softly, somewhat worried because the girl was so close to her and could accidentally hit her bump if she started thrashing about violently. Idina tried to shake her awake.

Erika flinched and her eyes fluttered open.

“Hey,” Dina whispered, “You’re okay, it was just a bad dream.”

“I’m sorry,” Erika said, sounding on the brink of tears.

Idina wrapped the girl up in another hug and pulled her close, kissing her temple. “It’s fine,” she said. “You have nothing to apologize for, okay?” She resisted to urge to use a pet name. They weren’t there yet, even if Idina wanted to have her own cute comforting nicknames for Erika. She petted Erika in a calming manner, who was still shaking. “It’s fine,” she repeated, “you are safe here.” She held the girl close, doing everything Aaron did when Idina had a nightmare.

“I’m sorry,” Erika whispered through tears, this time crying and for once Idina wondered if Erika was talking to her.

“For what?” she asked.

“Everything,” she sobbed quietly.

“Erika, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re forgiven.” It did not seem to have any effect. “Tell me what’s wrong, please?” she begged.

“No,” Erika said, holding onto Idina’s arm. She stopped crying but was biting her lip nervously.

Idina sighed. Erika would have to open up eventually, in her own time. Snow was working with her. It would happen eventually. “You are safe here Erika,” Idina reiterated. “I promise nothing bad will happen.” She kissed the top of her head.

Erika yawned again.

“Go back to sleep,” Idina said.

“I don’t want to,” Erika whimpered.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” Idina said. “We can stay here all night; I’ll keep the bad guys away. Alright? Just try and sleep.” Idina started singing an old Jewish lullaby, one she’d sung to Walker when he had been tiny.

When she finished, she looked down. Erika had fallen back asleep, her head resting on Idina’s chest. Idina tried to adjust the both of them so that they’d be a bit more comfortable curled up here all night, then she pulled the blanket down from the back of the couch and draped it over them, making sure Erika was tucked in and warm.

Then she fell asleep.

~

Idina woke up to the noise of a camera shutter. She looked around, disoriented. Aaron was crouching down, taking pictures on a mid-priced Canon camera Idina had bought him a few years earlier as a gift when he’d wanted to experiment in photography.

He put a silencing finger to his lips as he snapped another.

“What are you doing?” she mumbled.

“We don’t have any pictures of Erika,” he stated quietly. “This was too cute to pass up. It’s going to be printed and framed and hung over there,” he said, pointing to a wall of pictures.

Idina smiled. “Ssh,” she said as the girl stirred.

Aaron quickly hid the camera and started to look busy as Erika woke up.

“Morning,” Idina said.

Erika looked around, groggy and confused. “Idina, what?” she muttered.

“You fell asleep here,” she said. “You were too perfect to move.”

“Oh,” Erika said, sitting up.

Aaron came over with breakfast for both of them. “You might want to move,” he suggested, “before Idina gets sick.”

“Oh, right,” Erika said, moving to the other side of the couch so that Idina was now free, making Idina feel somewhat lonely. She had wanted that night to last forever.

Aaron had made them both crepes, covered in fruits and, in Erika’s case, chocolate sauce as well. Idina’s had a good helping of cheese mixed in too, and some carrots because Aaron cared about her and her cravings and he paid attention to everything she did.

The three of them ate their breakfast at the coffee table in front of the couch. Idina was so hungry she did not bother to wait until after her morning sickness came and ended up eating all of it before she even hurled once. It took her all of a moment to realize her mistake because it would be coming back up very, very soon. She told Erika to go up and get changed because they had slept in, but mostly because she did not want to be sick in front of the girl anymore. If Erika did not make the bus Idina would drive her. There was no worry.

She felt herself tense up unexpectedly. Aaron reached over and grabbed the puke bucket by the couch and had it in Idina’s lap second before she needed it.

She rinsed her mouth out with mouthwash. “I just waisted your breakfast,” she said.

“It’s fine,” he replied. “You were hungry, it happens. I can make you another if you want.”

She smiled and relaxed into the couch, motioning for Aaron to join her after he dumped the bowl full of puke and mouthwash. “How did you sleep?” she asked as he came and sat down with her.

“Pretty good,” he replied.

Idina smiled. “Good, I was worried you might have been up all night.”

“No,” he replied. “You were right about the Tony,” he said as he tickled her. “It does not cuddle very well.”

“Aaron, stop!” she wailed through giggles. “Seriously,” she said, trying to stop the laughter. “Quit it.” She swatted at him playfully.

He hugged her which was awkward as Idina was still sitting in a way that made her the bigger spoon, but neither of them cared as Idina hugged her husband back and they both sighed and smiled, locked in each other’s gazes.

“May I see the picture?” Idina asked after a moment.

“Of course, Dee,” he said, reaching over to where he’d stashed it. He flipped through the pictures. “This one is my favourite,” he informed her, handing the apparatus to his wife.

“Oh, my,” Idina gasped when she saw the perfection that was the shot. “Framer for sure.”

Everything was right about the picture. It was a close-up of the two of them sleeping. Erika was curled up, her back against the couch and resting on Idina’s chest, her eyes closed and her face placid and peaceful. She had one hand on Idina’s chest which the latter was holding there in place. The grey blanket was pulled up around Erika’s shoulders. Idina’s head was against the couch, millimetres above Erika’s. It almost looked like she might have been kissing her, only both Aaron and she knew that was her sleeping face. The light was pouring in, illuminating their faces, and casting shadows in all the right places so that it was impossible to tell that Idina’s cheek still bore a brownish-green bruise.

Idina was blinking back tears of joy. They looked like mother and daughter. And it was their first picture of her pregnant, even if you couldn’t tell. Knowing there were four of them in the photograph made it even more special. She turned to Aaron and kissed him feverishly, muttering her thanks between deep kisses. She coaxed moans from him and touched him in all the right places while his hands remained around her midriff, keeping her close which was all that they wanted.

“Making up for lost time?” Aaron teased when they pulled apart, breathless.

“Mmhmm,” she said. “This also might be our last sexy couch make out session now that Walker seems interested in watching us.”

Aaron smirked. “I hope we did not create a monster.”

“We could never create a monster,” she said, sitting in his lap with her arms loosely around his neck. “There’s no way anything that comes from you could be wicked,” she informed him as she ran fingers through his hair. “Talks included.”

Aaron smiled and planted a kiss on her lips. “Same to you, Dee. I know you don’t always see it, but I swear everything good in Walker came from you. His heart, his empathy, his awareness, his desire to do good. His smile, those adorable dimples. That’s all you.”

Idina smiled, her dimples showing.

“See,” Aaron said. “All you.”

Idina was beaming.

They went to the kitchen where Aaron started another crepe for Idina before deciding he was going to pack Erika’s lunch for her. She normally did it herself, but today he could argue he’d done it to save time. The girl came downstairs a few minutes later wearing her uniform, a white oxford shirt with long sleeves and a burgundy vest embroidered with the school cress. Today, she was wearing the grey pants and had on a grey and burgundy checkered headband, holding back the hairs that strayed from her double Dutch braids.

Idina noticed that her pant hem was now above her ankles. When they’d bought it, they’d had to get it hemmed. Now it looked like they’d have to let them hem out.

“Erika,” Idina said, “Could you come over here for a sec?”

The girl did as she was asked. “I think your pants are a little short.”

“Oh,” the girl said, looking down. “I guess they are.”

“Turn around,” Aaron said enthusiastically.

Both women looked at him in confusion.

“Back to back,” he explained. “See if you’re taller than ‘Dina.”

“Um, okay,” Erika muttered as the two of them stood back to back.

Aaron grabbed a wooden placemat and rested it on the top of Erika’s head. She was still a bit shorter than Idina.

“We never measured you on the growth door,” Aaron said.

“What’s that?” Erika asked nervously, her hands playing with each other, digging into her palms, and stretching her fingers. Maybe they were coming on a bit too strong and excited.

“We just draw a line on a wall,” Idina said. “To mark heights and stuff. If you’re not comfortable, that’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Aaron agreed. “I got overly excited. I’m sorry.”

“Maybe after school?” she suggested. She did not look comfortable with the idea.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Idina said with a smile. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s uh, okay,” she said.

All of a sudden, things started moving very quickly indeed as Aaron handed her the lunch he’d made and they both somehow ended up received rush one-armed hugs before she was out the door. The two of them were left slightly bewildered as they looked out the window to make sure their daughter did not miss the yellow school bus. She did not.

“Is it bad that I was kind of hoping we’d have to drive her in?” Idina asked.

“No,” Aaron said as they stared at the empty road. “I felt the same way. But we must give her space too. Her walls are going to start rebuilding themselves and we don’t want to be seen as a threat.”

Idina agreed with him. They did not want that. They wanted to be let in, no longer left on the outside, especially now that they both had a taste of what it was like to be in.

“Is it bad that I’m semi glad this happened?”

“No,” Aaron said again. “I think it’s only natural. I was it had not been this way, but I am glad in a way too.”

“I feel awful,” Idina admitted. “For Erika. She had night terrors again last night, so I think something bothered her deeply. I stopped them before they got too bad, but I have a feeling this isn’t the last of them for a while.”

“I’m surprised there has not been more. Or at least there were none that we caught.”

“I’d hate the think there were some we did not catch.”

“They don’t always divulge into screaming fits. People have bad dreams all the time,” Aaron rationalized, but he was feeling the same way. “And I’m sure Snow is helping her through it.”

Idina nodded. “I hope so,” she said. “I talked to her about the holidays. She said she’s not a gift person and doesn’t care if we do Christmas or Hanukkah, but she will not participate in masses, fasting, or other such activities.”

“It makes sense,” Aaron said. “I highly doubt she has good holiday memories, or if she does, she could be suppressing them. And I think most people are uncomfortable with gifts given when it’s not close friends. We should work on her with that. Like maybe nothing big for Hanukkah, just some small trinkets, and then something bigger on Christmas, or is that, not right?”

“Aaron, babe,” Idina said tenderly, “you’re moving too quickly. I think we need to take a step back.”

“I know, Dee, you’re right,” he said in defeat, running his hands through his hair. “I’m just so excited. And nervous. I want this to work and after last night, it just felt like she was out daughter for a moment that and I do not want to let it go.”

Idina hugged her husband. “Me neither.” Aaron wrapped his arms around her waist, and they held each other. “I would give the world for that moment again, but only if it meant Erika was no longer in turmoil. We can do this, though.”

Aaron smiled. “We can,” he before kissing the top of her head.

Idina's phone buzzed. She looked at it, and her face lit up. “Aaron!” she exclaimed, jumping into his arms. He swung her around, more due to the copious amount of momentum she had managed to generate. “They’ve caught the blackmailer!” she exclaimed as she kissed his cheek. “It’s over.”


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh I forgot American thanksgiving was in November also this is an AU because I forgot how birthdays worked and if Walker is still 10 then Idina is 48, not 49… so just go with it, please. Thanks. Also, I am trying to figure out how to write time skips to help the story be a bit more concise, so bear with me. Let me know if you think I just should have started at the first scene break and skipped everything else, still unsure of that. And I am so glad you guys love this work so much! I love waking up and reading all your comments so please continue to show all your support <3

The next two weeks leading up to Kristen’s party was semi-chaotic. Taye was free, no longer the blackmailer, though some of the public were not yet satisfied. It was hard going anywhere and Idina started driving the kids everywhere again while Aaron had to add in extra time to his daily commute. For the first time in years, they decided not to do anything large for thanksgiving, instead just spend some time together with the four of them before Walker had to go over to his father’s for the rest of the evening.

Walker wanted to spend as much time with his dad as he could and Idina let him. She was busy, she realized. She had booked to voice work projects and had gotten her new album greenlit. She was determined to write it herself this time though. She wanted all the songs to be personal. And there was Erika, who still needed them. So, she let Walker stay over at his dad’s if he called every night and came over occasionally.

Her walls had gone up, but Aaron and Idina were no longer outside. There were still Idina topics and Aaron topics, but they were much less defined than they had been before. They assumed there were also Dr. Snow topics that neither of them knew about and while they wanted to be the ones she went to for everything, they were glad she had someone.

Dr. Snow had recommended that Erika not be allowed to see her parents, nor that they are allowed to contact her. This also meant public photos of her were now prohibited. She could not be in her school yearbook, nor could she have paparazzi picture published without CPS banging down the doors of whoever dared to print them. This did not discourage foreign tabloids though. It made everything worse. People were more desperate than ever to know about the comings and goings of Idina’s life. She uninstalled every social media app form her phone, telling her managers to post anything that she was legally required to post but no more.

Erika had more episodes of night terrors and Idina and Aaron now switched out on night watch, checking on her to make sure she wasn’t lost in a fearscape of her own making and staying with her until she fell asleep if she was. Erika had yet to tell them what was plaguing her mind in the late hours, but they did, after much prompting, get her to promise to try and talk to Snow about them. They had also got her to agree to an extra session each week. And Idina could not help but notice that the box of Erika’s New York things had been spirited away to the closet, still unopened.

The girl had not yet agreed to be measured on the inside of the pantry door. Aaron said it was the permanence of it that was scaring her, and they dropped it after the first day. They did, however, take out the hem on her pants. Erika had also asked for a haircut while Idina and she had been out shopping for jeans. The star had been sad to see the long locks go, but they were damaged and needed to go. Her hair was now close to Idina’s length, but shorter and she seemed thrilled with the little upkeep that is required and was often playing with the soft ends when she had a free hand.

Everyone was looking forward to the breath of fresh air that was going to be Kristen’s party. Walker would be coming, but not Taye. An invitation had been extended, but he had politely declined and given no reason. Erika was stable enough to talk to people and Idina promised the girl could stand by her side all afternoon if that is what she wanted. Aaron needed a mental break before the Christmas crowd came through his office doors and Idina just wanted to talk to someone. She had been secluding herself to the recording studios for her projects and the house while her bump grew too quickly, and her bruise faded too slowly.

The twins now formed a bump on her belly that was plainly visible in anything remotely form-fitting. Luckily for her, it was winter, and she could wear whatever fluffy, cozy, puffy thing she wanted with no scrutiny. Her morning sickness was slowly fading, and Aaron would not keep his hands off her abdomen and covering every inch of her stomach with kisses. He said he wanted to be there the second they started kicking, even though they were still weeks out form that. Erika was more comfortable with the idea than she had been originally. She would look at Idina’s bump when she thought no one was watching her with a curiously similar expression to that of Walker. Idina prayed the girl was thinking of the fetuses forming in her belly as her siblings, or at least someone she could learn to love unconditionally.

The night of, Aaron was on nightmare watch. Erika was in a deep sleep, breathing peacefully and did not seem to be in any distress, so he crawled back into bed with his wife. She could no longer lay on him like she used to because of the bump and had a body pillow that was helping with the pain. He curled up by her back and draped an arm over her waist and rested his hand in her bump.

“Our girl’s safe,” he whispered, knowing she was not going to go to sleep until she knew Erika was all right.

She gurgled something unintelligible and put a hand over his. He kissed her cheek and fell asleep beside her. Idina was twelve weeks pregnant, the scariest bit was now over.

* * *

“Aaron!”

Aaron groaned, the light hurting his eyes.

“Aaron! Wake up!” someone was shaking him violently.

“Dee?” he muttered.

“Aaron,” she said again. She was sobbing.

“Dee,” he said concerned, sitting upright, and rubbing his eyes.

“Aaron,” she whispered again, shaking. “Blood,” she said, breaking down. “Aaron, there’s blood,” she cried.

It took him a second to put two and two together. Blood. She was pregnant. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

Adrenaline shot through his blood and he bolted into action. He called an ambulance.

“Dee, lay down please,” he said, relaying the operator’s instructions. “Try and stay calm baby,” he said, trying to soothe her. There was no soothing his wife. “The ambulance is going to get here, and you will be fine. The twins are still there right now, we still have time.” He somehow managed to get her into a semi-prone position while the phone operation rambled on.

Erika heard the commotion and came wandering into the room. Aaron instantly put her to work gathering things they might need and asked her to stay on the line while he talked to Idina. Erika had everything packed in bags quicker than Aaron could have ever done once he had told her where everything was.

“Make it stop,” she begged through tears, a hand under her pants and between her legs.

“Are you in pain?” he asked.

“A bit, not enough. Not as much as it should be,” she said in a weak whisper. “Please, I cannot lose them, Aaron, please make it stop. Make it stop. I am so scared, Aaron, I am so scared. Please stop it, please.”

His blood was pounding through his veins. He could barely hear what was happening as Erika went downstairs to let the EMTs in. She could not lose them, not now, not after all this. He was crying too as he held her hand and gave her every comforting work he knew, empty as they may be. He thought about the ultrasounds. They were so healthy, so perfect. Everything had been all right at Idina’s last check-up, barely three days ago. Walker had tagged along. He had asked a million questions and Felicity had answered them all with a sweet smile on her face and given him candy, telling Aaron and Idina that they were amazing parents and that she was so excited she was helping them bring more life into the world. Idina and Felicity were on a first-name basis.

This was supposed to work.

He felt betrayed and angry like the world was stabbing him the back and laughing as he bled out and screamed at it in anger. He was angry at the world for doing this to him, for making Idina suffer and making him watch, incapable of doing anything.

Only one person was allowed in the ambulance. Erika could not drive. Aaron did not want to leave Idina alone. Aaron did not want to abandon Erika here to her worries. Somehow, he came up with the plan to put Erika in the ambulance and drive behind it himself, even though he knew he should not get behind the wheel when he could barely comprehend what was happening as they took Idina away, his precious wife whimpering and begging for help as they did so.

He made it to the hospital and met up with Erika. Idina was being seen by a medical professional who knew what they were doing. Felicity had been called. They were examining Idina right now.

The two of them sat down in the waiting room and waited.

* * *

Everything was fine. When those words left the doctor's mouth Aaron thought he might faint from relief. His children were fine. He hugged Erika in pure joy, spooking her the slightest, but she was glad too, he could tell.

They were brought to Idina’s room where they were greeted by the sight of Idina moping on a hospital bed in a white hospital gown.

“Hey there, Chickadee,” Aaron said, swooping down to her level. Erika stood behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. He wiped some hair of his wife’s blotchy face. “Everything’s all right, did they tell you that? The twins are fine.” One of her hands trailed down to her bump. “Yes Dee, they’re still there. You amazing person, you. You kept them safe. You did that. Because you are amazing,” he cooed, trying to get her to look at him.

Idina stifled a sob.

“Hey, baby, don’t cry,” he said as she started to break down. He held Erika’s hand for emotional support and ran a finger down Idina’s cheek. She was still staring into nothing, her expression unwavering. He could barely tell if she was hearing him. “I promise, the twins are safe,” he repeated, over and over again. “They’re safe, honey. All because of you. I love you so much. I knew you could do this. You can do anything you want too, Dee, anything at all.”

A doctor came in with a clipboard and both Erika and Aaron looked at him. Idina did not stir. He was Einstein looking, with short but frizzy white hair and roadmap of wrinkles across his face.

“So, for the-” he paused, looking ta the three of them. He put his clipboard down and came over, kneeling on one knee to be at their level, a sympathetic look on his face beneath his wiry western-moviesque mustache. “You’ve had quite a scare, haven’t you?” he asked to no one in particular. “But I assure you it’s all right,” he continued. “I have to do one last ultrasound, then you are free to go,” he explained. He stood up.

“Hear that Dee, you’ll get to see them again,” Aaron explained. Idina’s closest hand was still on her stomach, so Aaron reached over and took her far hand and held it in his. Then he turned to the doctor. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened, per se,” the doctor explained. “Some women still experience menstrual bleeding during pregnancy. As far as we can tell, it was nothing more than that. It can range for occasionally, like in Idina’s case here, or every month without pause.”

“That’s it?” Aaron asked, very underwhelmed. That was it? Idina had gotten up, seen blood, and freaked out. Who would not? He had been so scared. They had both been so scared. Aaron was feeling sick again. He was so relieved and yet so distraught that it had been something this simple and dumb that nearly derailed their life. And no one had ever bothered to tell them that this was something that could happen.

“I’m going to do the ultrasound now,” the doctor said moving over the machine.

Aaron pulled up Idina’s shirt for him, knowing she would be more comfortable if he did it over the stranger. He had to move her hand and she just curled it by her chest. Idina did not flinch as the cold gel was applied. Aaron squeezed her hand, trying to get a reaction out of her. He breathed a sigh of relief when he looked up at the screen and saw his children.

“See, Idina, look, baby, they’re just over there, I promise,” he muttered trying to get her to look. “Chickadee, come on, please. Just do this little thing for me. Look over there.”

Erika got on her knees by the bed too and took Idina’s other hand. Aaron whispered to her, asking her to try and talk to Idina.

“Just look and the screen, Dee,” Erika said softly after a moment.

That got her attention. Erika had never called Idina ‘Dee’ before. Idina looked up, then tentatively followed Erika’s hand to the screen she was pointing at. Her face broke into relief slowly, as if someone had hit a button turning the world into slow motion. There was suddenly life in her eyes and her lips quivered upwards and she sighed in relief, closing her eyes tightly as if to freeze the moment in her brain. She squeezed Aaron’s hand, but said nothing, too overcome with emotion to speak.

“The twins are fine,” the doctor said. “Everything is fine, other than the scare. You’ll be uncomfortable for a few days, but other than that everything is well.”

Idina just sighed again, her gaze locked on the screen. Erika had let go of her hand and it was now on the opposite side of her stomach, her thumb rubbing up and down.

“I’m going to stop the ultrasound now,” the doctor warned.

“Okay,” Aaron said, looking to Idina. She was still a bit trapped in herself and he just hoped she would be okay with it too.

The screen when black and as the doctor turned off the machine then cleaned the gel off her stomach.

“Congratulations,” he said. “You’re going to have two strong, healthy kids, Mrs. Menzel. And I can tell they will be lucky to have you for a mother. My wife went through the same thing when we had our first child, my daughter Lia. She’s healthy, happy, and has two lads of her own now,” he explained. “It’s a scare for sure, but there’s nothing wrong nor are they in any danger. I also know Dr. Jackson quite well. She is well respected in the field. If you have more concerns, please talk to her. She will have many more answers than I do. You’re in good, capable hands.”

Aaron thanked him as he was handed the release paperwork and was informed, they could stay here a little while longer if Idina needed some time to recover. He still felt shocked. It was too early in the morning for this. It was barely eight o’clock. They had been there two hours and a half. He was hungry, stressed, dizzy, and on the verge of cranky. And it would be nothing compared to what Idina was feeling in the moment.

Aaron filled out the paperwork- why was there so much of it?- and gave Erika his debit card, asking her to find the cafeteria and get something for them to eat while he filled out papers.

Idina rolled onto her side and took Aaron’s hand as he was filling out the paperwork. He looked up and smiled at her. There was life in her eyes again.

“Can you make me feel better?” she asked.

“Of course,” he said, tender and soft. “What do you want me to do?”

“Make me feel better,” she repeated, not giving him any hint to that was wrong or what she wanted him to do about it.

“What’s wrong, ‘Dina?” he asked. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

She started tearing up again. “I don’t feel good,” she said.

Aaron put the paperwork down and got up close to the bed. He stroked her and looked her over for signs of discomfort. “Dee, baby, what’s wrong? Where does it hurt?”

“Here,” she said quietly, pointing to her head, “and here,” she said, pointing to her abdomen.

Okay, he thought to himself. He knew she was having cramps, but she was probably hungry as well. She probably had a headache too. He had one. And he would not be surprised if this had brought back a lot of painful memories. It was not much, but it was something.

“You might just be hungry,” he said. “Erika’s getting some food. She’ll be back soon.”

“Erika,” Idina said.

“Yeah,” Arron encouraged. “She’s going to get food.” His wife was still so out of it. He did not blame her. He knew how shattered she would have been if anything happened and truthfully, he did not for a second believe he was equipped to handle it on his own. Idina was his world and he was not naïve enough to believe that he could solve everything for her, as much as he wanted too. Just like he could not solve everything for Walker or Erika. There were just times when people needed help and guidance that he could not supply and all he could do was led them towards the people who could.

“She called me ‘Dee’,” she said with a smile.

Aaron smiled back. “Yeah cutie, she did.”

“I’m not cute,” she said.

“I think you are.”

“I’m cake,” she said, again with another small smile.

“You are. You are the most delicious cake, and the cutest human, and the sweetest Chickadee. You’re everything wrapped in a small five-foot-four package and I can’t believe you’re mine.”

“Make me feel better?” she asked again, her mossy green eyes hopeful.

“How do you want me to do that?”

She thought for a moment. “I’m hungry,” she said, and Aaron nodded. “And I, um, I want you to make me feel good.” That was somewhere.

“What aren’t you telling me?” He was trying to keep his voice steady, but her reluctance to share was scaring him. He knew she had not been pinching at her arm as the scabs had healed an no new ones had returned, but the fact that she had tried to hide it from him originally still plagued his mind. He wanted her to come to him with this. He could not bare it if she tried something and hurt herself. It would be his fault.

She took his hand and placed it on her hip. “Make me feel good,” she repeated, her voice still soft and distant. “When you make my body feel good and beautiful you make my brain feel good.” She was keeping steady eye contact and she seemed to be seeing through whatever haze was still clouding her mind the more she spoke. She put his hand under the scrub shirt so that there was now skin to skin contact and Aaron instinctively started lightly drumming in her thigh, making her smile a bit. “Everyone was touching me,” she explained. “And it makes me feel dirty. Like you should not touch me either because I am spoiled. But I want you too. I want you to make me feel nice again,” she explained. She paused. “And make the outside feel nice because the inside does not. I want you to do all the things you do to make me feel beautiful.”

Aaron nodded. She wanted to be held, loved, and comforted, even if she was saying she wanted him to caress her. He knew his Dee. She was just trying to get it out in the easiest way she knew how. He could do that. He coaxed her out of the bed, and they sat down in the armchair, Idina on his lap. She laid her head down on his shoulder as he cradled her, one of his hands on her bump, thumb obsessively rubbing the top of the incline.

“Do you feel beautiful now?” he asked as he rocked her back and forth gently. She had one hand on his chest, gripping his shirt fabric, and the other was cupping his on her abdomen.

“Yes,” she said. She wrapped an arm around him and pulled herself closer. “I’m sorry I let them touch me,” she continued. “I swear I did not like it; I’d never cheat on you. I love you, I swear,” she said.

“Dee, you did nothing wrong. The doctors had to examine you to make sure the babies were fine. It’s just like what Felicity does.”

“I know, I just don’t like it,” she said. “I’m not keen on giving birth here. I know it’s not going to be safe to have a home birth this time, but I don’t want people I don’t know delivering the babies.”

“I’ll be beside you the entire time.”

“You’d better be,” she warned. She squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to be livid if you leave me all alone with doctors and nurses. I mean absolutely irate, Aaron. You will not leave me alone until the twins are in our arms and when the nurses whisk them away to do all that hospital stuff, then I will sleep and you will stalk them and film everything and if anything other than that happens I will make your life miserable, mark my words.”

“Guess you’re feeling better?” he said with a chuckle. He kissed the top of her head. He wanted to see what it would look like when Idina was trying to ruin his life. He had a sneaking suspicion it would only last a week or two, and they would be the worst two weeks ever before she either felt bad or missed him too much to continue. Then he’d tease her about it forever. Even though the idea was appealing, he was not leaving the delivery room. There was no way he was going to miss the birth of those twins.

“Yeah,” she whispered against his neck. “I’m still hungry though. And I have a splitting headache.” She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, taking him in, a dainty smile on her dainty lips. “I was so scared,” she admitted. “I didn’t mean to worry you over nothing. I just went to the bathroom and saw blood and it was like the world stopped,” she breathed. “I thought something was wrong and I freaked out and I’m sorry if I freaked you out. It’s a horrible feeling and I never wanted you to experience it.”

“I would have done the same thing if I were in your position. I would prefer we freaked out over nothing then do nothing when something is wrong. So if it happens again, maybe we can be a bit more level headed, but we are still going to come here to the emergency room and forcing them to look at you and we won’t leave until they tell us it was nothing and we overacted, or, if something is wrong, they fix it.”

Idina nodded. “Okay. I love you. I am sorry if I scared you. I never wanted to scare you.”

“Dee, you were practically dying from fright. If something ever scares you that much again, I am ordering you to bother me about it. I want you to come to me with everything.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him, nuzzling him with her nose and planting light kisses on his soft skin. “I want you to tell me stuff too,” she replied. “Like when work is stressing you out. You do not need to pretend to be perfect more me. I like your voice,” she rambled, making Aaron smiled. He liked her voice too. He loved it when she went on these senseless rambles about how much she loved people or how excited she was about something. “So, is anything bugging you at work?” she asked.

“No,” he said truthfully. “It can be stressful sometimes, but I’m a lot better now that I’ve been sleeping more. All thanks to you, babe,” he said, rubbing his nose against hers. He kissed her lips. “I keep telling you, you’re my human stress ball. Your voice is enough to calm me down. I have a voicemail I play whenever I am too stressed out, the one where you talked about the difference between fraternal and identical twins, and about placentas. I never thought I’d be so interested in placentas.” They both chuckled.

“I’m not eating it,” she warned him.

“I don’t expect you too.”

“What are we going to tell everyone?” she asked, finally saying what was looming over them.

“You can tell them that it was me,” Aaron said. “I was having, ummm, stressed induced heart palpitations and we thought it might have been a heart attack.”

“I don’t want to say that,” she said. “Wouldn’t your work know you were lying? And we might worry your family unnecessarily.”

“They won’t know and it’s not like I’d be asking for time off work, so I don’t need any proof,” he said. “Work is stressful, and even if it wasn’t stuff like that can happen when people work themselves up without knowing it, as they fixate on how much they have to do such as shopping and cleaning and suddenly they’re having a panic attack and have no idea what’s going on.”

Idina hugged him. “Okay, thank you,” she said. He hugged her back with both arms, pulling her close.

“We should leave now,” Aaron said. “I got you a change of clothes, so you won’t be stuck in your pyjamas. Well, Erika packed them, so I do not know what is in there, but there are clothes.”

He helped her up and she changed in the bathroom while Aaron finished filling out the release papers. Idina came out wearing a loose long-sleeved grey shirt and black yoga pants, her scrubs rolled in a ball and hand on her stomach.

“Where is Erika?” Idina asked.

“I sent her to find the cafeteria.”

Idina took out her phone and sent Erika a text. There were only and a handful of texts between them, mostly Idina reminding her of something. “Does she have her phone on her?”

“I have no idea.”

“Aaron,” Idina scolded. “You have to think of this stuff.” She was starting to panic when a knock came from the door frame. She sighed in relief. It was Erika.

“The cafeteria’s not open until ten,” the girl said. “So, I got stuff from vending machines.” She had a handful of veggie sticks and chocolate bars and three water bottles.

Aaron smiled and Idina hugged her. “I was worried,” she told the girl.

“I don’t mean too,” Erika said.

“I know,” Idina replied, kissing her head. “I was just worried. I will always be worried about you.”

They walked to the desk and got Idina officially released. Idina texted her publicists the statement she wanted to be posted online and told them not to ask questions, just reiterate her statement and emphasize that Aaron was alright and that everyone needed to make sure that their mental health was in check. They got breakfast at MacDonald’s drive-through. Aaron made sure to ask for a side of carrots and tipped them well.

“You’re going to turn me orange,” Idina joked as he handed them to her.

“Change your cravings then babe,” he said. “I’m just taking care of my wife.”

They parked the car in an abandoned parking lot, to hungry to make it home. When they did make it home, Aaron insisted everyone get a few more hours of sleep and then they would talk about still going to Kristen’s party. It started at three, and it was barely ten in the morning. Idina somehow managed to pull Erika and Aaron into bed with her. She snuggled her daughter and kissed her shoulder while Aaron's height advantage gave him long libs that he could use to hold both his girls while he nuzzled his wife and held Erika’s hand. He was growing accustomed to holding her hand. It was the thing she seemed the most comfortable with him doing. No one was keen on how the morning had started, but this wasn’t a bad conclusion to the mid-morning before a party.


	50. Chapter 50

A few hours later, Idina stirred. She was smooshed between her husband and daughter. Aaron’s chest was pressed against her back and their legs were entangled. He had a strong arm around her and Erika, keeping them pressed together. Idina had an arm around Erika as well. She would feel that the girl was moving a bit. She opened her eyes.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Mhm?” Erika muttered. She was awake.

“You awake?”

“Yeah,” came the whispered reply.

Aaron was still firmly asleep. Idina could tell because she knew from the weight of his arm and the pace of his breath and the feeling of his chest rising and falling against her back.

“Thanks for helping me at the hospital.”

“I didn’t do anything,” she replied.

“I love you,” Idina said. She always said now. At least once a day, until it was redundant.

Normally, Erika never said anything. This time she did, asking Idina a question she had asked often before when Idina had done something she did not understand: “Why?” She asked that a lot. Before all this when they had opened up personally it was always “Why?’ “Why are you telling me this?” as she tried to make sense of them. Now it was much the same, only they had to answer properly, or they might get kicked out again.

Idina was not prepared for that.

 _Because I do, because I love you, because I do not know what I would do with myself if you ever left. Because you and Walker are getting along._ She had no idea what to say. Some sounded empty or desperate, others were too much for Erika to handle. Aaron would know what to say. That was why she had asked Idina. Not to mention Idina was the one who always mentioned love.

“Because” Idina started, “because you are amazing,” she whispered, kissing Erika’s shoulder. She knew Erika was most comfortable with shoulder kisses, sometimes brow or temple depending on her mood. She also knew that she could hug Erika without spooking her, but Aaron always come on too strong for some reason, yet Erika seemed to prefer holding Aaron’s hand for extended periods whereas with Idina she preferred quick moments unless it was nighttime and she was having night terrors. There was not much logic to it, at least not one that she understood, but logical or not they did their best to try and respect her boundaries, because she would not enforce them herself. “And you are very smart. You can see things in words that others cannot, even when you have trouble with conversations and emotions. I know that you’re trying so hard right now and I’m grateful for it and every moment we get to spend together.”

“But why do you love me? How do you know?”

Idina blinked. Had she not just said why? “I know because…” she did not want to trail off, she knew what Erika would think. But she did want to say anything sappy or cliché. She wanted to say something that Erika would understand. “I’m just trying to word it in a way you would understand,” Idina said, hoping it did not sound patronizing. “I want to tell you that I get a crushing feeling in my chest when we talk. It is not bad. It is ironic. The way you feel when your sad is the way you feel when you desperately love someone, only one makes you happy. And I worry about you all the time because I want you to be safe. And when you smile it makes me smile. You have a gorgeous smile.” She was rambling. But it was better than nothing. Maybe something would get through.

“Oh,” was all that the girl said. She was still in many ways a stone wall. Idina could not tell if she was glad or disappointed or something else entirely.

“I do love you,” she said, in case it was not clear. “Emotions can be hard for me to verbalize. That why that song was such a mess. I know exactly what feeling is, I just cannot articulate them. We are opposites there. When you know what you are feeling, you articulate it very well. And you can explain sometimes what others are feeling if you understand it. It is an incredibly good talent. It’ll take you far in life.”

They were silent for a while, trapped by Aaron. Idina played with Erika’s hair. She could see why the girl often played with it. With the right conditioner and the split ends gone, it was incredibly soft. It was also easing her nerves. Her mind was reeling, telling that she had said the wrong thing, said something that Erika would take the wrong way. But Erika seemed fine, though she was not one to voice discomfort unless it was severe. That was why Idina and Aaron had to pay so much attention to how she was reacting to new situations and steer her out of anything that might be dangerous to her mental state.

“If you want to get up, I can stay here with Aaron,” Idina offered. “He’s in a pretty deep sleep, I don’t think he’d notice.”

“I’d like too,” she replied. “Thank you.”

Idina helped Erika manoeuvre herself out from underneath Aaron’s arm, then placed it on her bump as Erika slipped silently out the door. Aaron adjusted himself, pulling Idina closer and holding her tighter. She smiled. She loved this man so much and she felt so unbelievably safe in his arms she was worried it might be a dream. And she missed Erika, but the girl was a teenager and emotionally stunted. A tragedy had given them the ability to make so much progress with her. Idina could not abuse that. She would not. Taye had abused the state she had been in after the miscarriages. She would never do that to anyone else.

She was still sore and could feel the phantom gloved hands on her, everywhere, prying, poking, taking tests with swabs and needles and machines. It had gone on for a couple of hours. They had been inside her. There had been so many tests because Idina has asked for all of them. They knew for sure she was not having a miscarriage, but who’s to say there wasn’t something that would come up in the next few weeks, something serious or life-threatening that had caused the bleeding.

They had not talked her through everything like Felicity did to calm her. They just went for it, moving quickly and roughly and now she was in pain. It was growing, her skin throbbing. She sighed and squeezed her eyes shut, gripping tightly to Aaron’s hand. Now that there were no distractions it was getting worse. She wanted him to wake up and make her feel better, but he needed sleep. He always stayed awake until she fell asleep, an old habit that was no longer practical with their new schedules. It was better when she had worked morning and him afternoons, but now that he worked all day, he needed what precious hours he could get.

Idina needed to get up. She carefully unravelled herself from her husband and went to the bathroom. Her entire lower half was covered in small bruises, most of the more prominent ones from needles and other devices, some because she was so pale and bruised so easily that people touching her could leave marks for a day or two. She was ugly. She could still feel the hands that had left the imprints or taken the tests. This had all turned out to be nothing and she had let people touch her where only Aaron could. She had physically cheated on him.

She pulled her pants back up, washed her hands, and sat down on the cold tiled floor. They were installing a heated floor in the summer. No arguments. It was happening, whether Aaron wanted it or not. He was not spending as much time here as Idina was, he did not know how badly they needed it. He would soon learn with two newborns. If they got two newborns. Bella had been more a stillbirth than a miscarriage since Idina had carried her so long. The babies were fully formed now. She might not miscarry, but that will not stop them from being born dead. What if that happened? Aaron was already so excited. They could never know until the day of, spending the rest for the next six months believing they would have children and that dream would get shattered. She would hurt Aaron like how she had hurt Taye. She never wanted to hurt Aaron. Ever. But she already had. She let all those people touch her.

And what about Erika? Had she said the right things? Aaron would have known what to say. She said the wrong thing. She was always saying the wrong things. She had just messed everything up and she was going to mess everything up. She was going to take all his children away from him and he would hate her.

There was just so much going on. Her heart was racing. She curled up in a ball on the floor. She wanted Aaron. She did not deserve him. She had no idea what she was going to do. So, she stayed on the floor. It was the logical thing she could think of.

* * *

Aaron awoke complexly alone. The blinds were down with only a little bit of the midday light shining through, making the room seem greyscale. There was an orange glow coming from the bathroom where the door was slightly ajar. He blinked a few times, then walked over to the door.

“’Dina?” he asked, knocking.

There was nothing but a muffled response.

“I’m coming in Dee,” he warned as he pushed open the door.

Idina was laying semi-prone in the fetal position on the floor, tears streaming down her face. She was breathing heavily and quickly. She did not look up and him.

“Dee?” he asked, falling to the floor, and picking her up. She was hyperventilating. He quickly started helping her calm down. It took him twenty minutes until she was breathing semi-steadily and stopped crying. He pulled her close against his chest and breathed deeply, trying to calm his nerves. “What’s wrong baby?” he asked while kissing her temple.

“You’re going to hate me,” she breathed.

“Dee,” he said firmly, “there’s nothing you could have done to make me hate you. What happened?”

“It’s not what I’ve done,” she said. “It’s what going to happen.” Her lower lip trembled, and her voice was quivering.

“What’s going to happen?”

She started crying again, soft whimpers escaping her lips as a few tears rolled down her cheek.

“Dee?” He stroked her cheek. “Is this about this morning? Everything is fine, those tests they did will come back negative. You’re completely healthy, so are the twins.” He rubbed her bump. She was limp in his arms. “I don’t hate you; I’d never hate you.” He reminded himself it was just the hormones. He hugged her and ran a hand through her hair. “We can just sit here if you want,” he continued when he realized she was not going to say anything else. “You are right, it’s cold. We can get some heated tiles, ‘kay babe? Just tell me what is wrong, and I will get you heated tiles. But then you can’t complain about my feet being cold.”

She let out a small chuckle, making him smile.

“There’s my girl,” he cooed between short kisses to her hairline. “What got you all worked up?”

“It’s just…” she trailed off. “I mean…”

“Take your time.”

Idina took a few deep breaths and centred herself before she spoke again. “Lots,” she said. “Too much.” She took the had in her hair and placed it back on her bump. “It’s just that I’m worried that I’m going to mess this all up. Like what if the twins end up being stillborn? What if I mess things up with Erika? What if it all happens and I lose Walker and you lose everything and then you will hate me because I brought them all into your life then took them away. And in the hospital, everyone was touching me, and I feel like I have been unfaithful, and I know how much that hurts. I’m just so worried I’m going to mess up your life and you’ll grow to hate me.”

“Dee, you brought light into my life. I had given up on love until we became a thing. I thought Family was just a dream; not in the cards for me. You proved me wrong.”

“And I’ll take it all away.”

“No, you won’t. And if by some unfair, unlikely, impossible horror, I am so glad for everything good that you have given me. You have given me so much good. So much to love and be thankful for. Anyone would be lucky to experience joy like I have felt with you for a day. I have gotten years. If it all went away, I would be eternally grateful for the time we had and sad for the time we lost. But none the less grateful for what we had. Because we have so much.”

She started crying again. “I know we have so much. There is so much we can lose. That’s the problem with having stuff: it can be taken away.” They both had the fleeting thought that this was exactly how Erika felt. It had always been her go-to. Idina now knew that Erika had been right. It was so much safer not to get attached, not to get comfortable. She should have listened to the girl and saved herself so much heartache.

“Dee, can I tell you that you’re just hormonal?” he asked.

“No,” she snapped. “I’m unfaithful and I’ve ruined everything. I’m not hormonal.”

“Alright,” he said, knowing there was no use arguing. “You were not unfaithful though. I will not let you believe that. You’re not hormonal, fine, but you’ve never cheated on me.”

“But they were touching me,” she said.

“Were emotions involved?”

“No… I was kinda an emotional mess though…”

“See, it’s fine. You still love me?”

“Of course!”

“And the fact that you’re all worked up about this proves my point.”

“Maybe I’m just hormonal,” she snapped again, turning on a dime. “Maybe I was cheating with those stupid invasive nurses and I’m just hormonal and sad. How do you know?”

“Were you?”

“No,” she said in defeat.

“Then my point stands.”

“But-”

“No buts, Dee,” he said, his exasperation showing.

“See, you’re annoyed with me. I am ruining this relationship.”

“No, you are not. You are hormonal, and you are being your stubborn, difficult self. The stubborn, difficult woman I fell in love with. I just wish you felt better about yourself. I am not frustrated with you. I’m frustrated because you are so amazing, and you seem the be the only person who can’t see it.”

“The doctor though…”

“Why are you fixating on this?” he asked. “I feel like we’ve been over this multiple times. Why are you fixating on it?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I can just, I can still feel them there, touching me. The tests hurt. Not all of them, but some were excruciatingly painful. And they stuck needles in me. They stuck cameras and other things inside me, and I just feel so disgusting. Monogamy is so important to me, and I just let a dozen people feel me up with however they wanted too with whatever they wanted to use. And then my brain starts reeling. What if they were not doing tests, what if someone was taking advantage of me? I have no idea. I was delirious.”

“Do you think someone did?” he asked, his voice lowered in concern. “Idina?”

“No,” she said. “Logically I know nothing happened. Nothing did happen, but that little voice in my head that trusts no one is telling me all these awful things. What if the cameras were also recording devices? They could sell those. How do I know all the nurses and doctors were actually nurses and doctors and not creeps paying the hospital for a chance to feel up a celebrity? I was so out of control and I hate it. I hate all of it! I have never been in control of anything!” She paused. She was raising her voice. She was not going to yell at him again.

“Dee, you can let it all out. I will be your venting wall. I will go close the doors,” he said it all tenderly and he got her off his lap and walked out of the bathroom, closing both the bedroom door and the bathroom door as he came back.

“I don’t want too,” she said. “I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want to yell at you again.”

“You won’t be yelling at me, Dee. I deal with this stuff every day. I know you are not yelling at me. You just need a safe space to vent. I will be your safe space. I care about you. I want to be your safe space.” He took her hand and their eyes locked. “What’s a few words said in anger if it helps you? You were having a panic attack on the floor, Dee. That is serious. And if you do not vent to me, you must start talking to someone else. I know I said I would stay out of this but if you are getting this worked up you need to see that therapist more. You have not even given me their name; how do I know you’re not making this up to make me feel better?” He was giving her the cold hard truth. She needed some tough love right now. “I love you to the moon and back, but you cannot do this alone. I am not going to sit by at let you self-destruct.”

Idina was frozen, but he could see her running through her options. He had gotten through.

“Angelika Hawthorne,” she said after a moment, “that’s who I’m seeing.”

“Okay, that’s a start.” The name was vaguely familiar. It had been on a list of highly respected and certified people he had given to Idina who were in no way affiliated with him so she knew she would have their full confidence. It was the same list they had chosen Dr. Snow from.

“I don’t want to say any more about it.”

“That’s fine.” He was relieved. He had gotten through. “You can vent now. Erika is downstairs, probably making lunch. She won’t hear you.”

“Okay,” Idina breathed after a moment. She hugged Aaron and apologized in advance for what she was about to do, but she knew she had to do it and there was no one else who made her feel safe enough to let it all out.

He reassured her again and with deep breaths, she finally let go. She ripped him a new one. Frustrations, worries, everything. Through tears and rage. Things she had never told him about her and Taye. Things she thought she would take to her grave. How out of control it made her feel, and how it infuriated her. She hated every moment of that sweet release, but she had to do it. She verbally massacrated him with everything she had and when she was done, she collapsed, exhausted, into his waiting and loving arms.

They sat peacefully on the bathroom floor. Idina had never felt so light. Aaron said nothing about what had just transpired. He just held her and played with her dark chocolate locks. He knew she was not in the mood for sweet kisses. She just wanted physical affirmation that he would still hold and cherish her.

Idina was the first one to speak. She said mindless things, went on one of the short rants that he so often told her he adored. Then she told him about her moment with Erika and he finally broke his silence by telling her she had done everything right. Then he thanked her and let her know that she ever needed to that again he was here and he promised he was not going to bring up the things she had told him, for her venting was not the same as her opening up. He wanted her to know she was safe. And Idina felt so very safe.

They decided they were still going to go to Kristen’s party. Walker was looking forward to it. It would be something new for Erika. They both needed a break from this house, and they needed to talk to other people who were not a part of their jobs.

They went downstairs. If Erika had heard anything, she did not say a word. She had made herself a grilled cheese sandwich and Aaron decided to follow her lead and made two more. The three of them ate at the table and they talked small talk until it was time to pick Walker up.

 _On our way,_ Idina texted Taye.

_K. What happened this morning?_

_Aaron had stressed induced  
heart palpitations._

_Is he ok?_

_Y_

_U had the talk with Walker  
without consulting me_

_It just happened Taye  
Walk was asking question  
and it just came up_

_I’m his father_

_I know_

_U know I wanted to  
be the one to have the  
talk with Walk_

_It just happened. We  
didn’t mean anything  
by it._

_He’s my son_

_I know_

_Not Aaron’s. If he wants  
his own son he got’s you  
to knock up if he’s brave  
enough do deal with u_

_Youre Walk’s father. I  
wont deny that but  
don’t you dare talk to  
me or about me like that.  
Or Aaron. He’s a good man  
better than you._

_Shit, im sorry  
im just frustrated  
I really wanted   
that moment with  
Walker_

_Im sorry you didn’t  
I want you to have  
those moments with him  
too but the circumstances  
called for it_

_What circumstances?_

_People were telling him  
wrong things at school  
to start and I did not  
want him getting wrong  
or dangerous ideas_

_But still, I could have  
done it_

_I know you could have_

_You might be able to  
replace me but im  
not letting walk do it_

_Im not trying to replace  
u in his life Taye.  
I just want to be happy  
Aaron makes me happy  
grow the f up_

_How did you do it?_

_Do what?_

_Get walk to like him_

_Aaron?_

_Who else_

_I dunno he just warmed  
up to him after a while_

_‘cause I met someone  
in Florida, and I really  
like her but Walk doesn’t  
want me dating anyone._

_I just want to be happy  
too Dee_

_I don’t know what  
to tell u but ill  
talk to Walk about it  
if that helps_

_Thank you, CU soon_

Idina took a deep breath. She was not mad or fired up as she might have been yesterday. Venting had seriously helped and calmed her nerves and rage. And she was brave enough to stand up for herself, even if it was by text. She was a bit irritated though, and Aaron noticed as they pulled into the driveway because he asked what was wrong. When he killed the engine, she handed him her phone.

Walker was instantly in the back seat, bucking himself up and telling them about the basketball game they had gone too and how much fun he had with his aunts, uncles, and grandparents. The turkey had been huge. Bigger than he had ever seen before. It had to have been from dinosaur times. Dad may have just fed him a dinosaur and he’d not sure if he should be trilled or trying to clone it.

“that’s wonderful Walk,” Idina said. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah!” he replied enthusiastically.

Aaron handed Idina her phone back. “Okay,” he said as he shifted the vehicle into drive, “let’s go.”


	51. Chapter 51

Walker beelined to his friend the second the motor was turned off. It made Idina smile. This was exactly the atmosphere she needed right now.

The dress was casual, so she was wearing ripped jeans and a leather jacket over a loose white shirt. No one would be able to tell she had a baby bump. And even if they could, she had a feeling people would be a whole lot more likely to jump to the conclusion that she was gaining weight, especially the internet. The thought made her chuckle. She was gaining weight. A whole lot. Two babies worth, to be precise.

They walked up the walkway, her hand in Aaron’s and her other holding the wine they had brought for the hosts. Erika was a few steps behind them. She knew no one here as far as either of them could tell as no one had teens at Erika’s school. And even then, there would be no guarantee that Erika knew them or that they got along. Their daughter was wearing jeans and a light blue jacket along with the dragonfly necklace Idina had gotten her months ago. It was still the only piece of jewelry she owned.

“’Dina!” came the voice of a five-foot-one blonde. Idina was suddenly tackled in a bear hug, Kristen pressing herself so close to her surrogate sister Idina was worried she might be able to feel her bump. She knew Kristen was the type to ask her about it later and she did not for a second believe she could lie to her friend’s face.

“Nice to see you too,” Idina replied through a smile.

Kristen let go of Idina and brushed herself off.

“Here,” Idina said, giving Kirsten the wine.

“Ooh, nice,” she said as she read the label. “Want some?”

“No,” Idina replied, “I’m on a diet and…”

“You don’t need to be on a diet Dee!” she looked over to Aaron. “Come on, tell her.”

“Sorry, I’m not ganging up on my wife. I’m staying out of this.” He took a few steps back for emphasis, but they were still holding hands.

“A ‘yes ma’am’ man,” Kristen said with a wink, “keeper for sure.”

All three of them chuckled.

Idina then introduced Kristen and Erika. They shook hands, though Erika seemed just as interested in meeting Idina’s friends as Walker was, which was not very much at all. No one had been expecting anything more.

Kristen escorted them to the backyard where the party was in full swing. And there was a bouncy castle. A large, red and yellow bouncy castle with fighting ring and more.

“Dee, it’s for the children,” Aaron warned the second he saw the look on her face.

“But I’m carrying two,” she mumbled into his ear. “I’m your baby, babe. Let your baby play on the baby toy.” Then she licked his temple and ear.

“Should you be jumping up and down in a bouncy castle? You’ve been avoiding the trampoline like the plague.” He planted a kiss on her lips.

“That’s because I want a pool,” she huffed, crossing her arms.

Aaron snorted. “Fine, but don’t come crying to me when you spook the kids and Walker’s embarrassed.”

“Will you go and do it for me?” She batted her eyes. “I’ll live vicariously through you. Please? If not, you might have to get drunk for me…”

“Alright,” he said, rolling his eyes and pulling her hips close. He planted a kiss on her nose. “But only for you.”

Idina turned to Erika. “You should go too, it’ll be fun.”

“I’m alright,” she said, looking down. There were a lot of people here. If this is what Kristen thought was medium-sized, neither Erika nor Idina wanted to know what she considered to be a large party.

“It’ll be the two of us,” Aaron said. “We’ll have fun.”

“I’m good.”

“Okay,” he said as he turned towards the bouncy castle, eye still locked with Idina who followed him with Erika a few steps behind her.

He removed his shoes and climbed up the balloon stairs that were not meant to support an adult weight. He was not the only adult in the castle, thank god, but it seemed like they were there with children and he was just staring at his beaming wife. He jumped up a down for a few minutes- it was kind of fun- before coming back off and return to Idina’s arms.

“Happy?” he asked, nuzzling her.

“Very,” she replied, smiling and beaming. The pregnancy glow was real, and it was messing with his head. She was just so amazingly beautiful in the winter sun.

The three of them made their way over to the food. Walker was running around with his friend in a loud game of tag, while some other kids were playing manhunt. Idina was hungry, even though they had just eaten before they came.

Kristen came over, saying she had something for all the teenagers to do and whisked Erika away to a group of teens claiming they needed more help. They watched carefully for a few minutes to make sure their daughter was extremely uncomfortable, but once she was handed a hammer from an olive-skinned girl, she started to seem a bit more comfortable.

“What are they doing?” Idina asked Kristen when her friend returned.

“They’re building some go-carts,” Kristen said. “We’re going to have the younger kids race them later. Teams are going to be drawn at random. There are some prizes too.”

“Kris, you’ve gone overboard,” Idina chuckled. What did she expect?

“You sure you don’t want a drink?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” Idina replied.

Aaron saw an old friend and excused himself, kissing his wife’s cheek before he left and wandered across the property.

“What’s going on with the blackmailer?” Kristen asked in a lowered voice.

“It’s complicated,” Idina said. “I can’t say who it is, but’s an old friend of Taye and I. Anyway, he admitted to everything, but when the time came for him to sign his confession, he changed his tune and now he is saying that Taye was coercing him to do everything. I am not really in the loop anymore. I probably won’t be bothered about it again unless I have to be a character witness for Taye since they have all the texts from my phone.”

“God that sucks,” Kristen said. “How’s Taye holding up?”

“Honestly, I think he might be cracking,” Idina admitted. If this morning out of character texts were anything. She had been noticing a shift in his attitude since this all started going down. Not that she had been on her best behaviour either… she was not going there now. This was her fun time.

Someone asked Kristen for something.

“Sorry,” she said. “If you still want to talk you can follow me though.”

“Sure,” Idina said gleefully.

She followed Kristen into her house and helped her restock the hors d'oeuvres while they talked. She told her friend about how they were making progress with Erika, though she did not say why, and how happy she was about it. It was life self-discovery for Idina. She knew how happy she was right now and how well they were doing with Erika but talking about it with someone made it so real. Idina looked over to where her daughter was working on a go-cart. She looked happy, talking quietly to the girl who had handed her the hammer earlier while they tried to sort something out with a tire. Idina prayed she was making a new friend. Erika needed friends.

“Dee, that’s your ‘I love my kid face’,” Kristen pointed out, bringing Idina back. “You zoned out there.” Kristen looked back to Erika. “I’m so happy for the two of you. I know Aaron wanted a kid and I get why you did not want to get pregnant. Adoption was a great idea. Honestly, we all knew you would adopt sometimes, we just were not expecting it to be so soon. He’s so caring, I’m sure he’s doing a wonderful job.”

Idina was beaming. She had never stopped. “He is,” she said as she helped the blonde carry the hors d'oeuvres out to the table. She said hi to Dax on the way out, who seemed to be pitching some sort of manual project to someone.

“Sure you should be doing that?” Aaron asked when she appeared.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Idina said quietly. She did not want anyone to overhear something.

“Doing what?” Kristen asked.

“Period,” Idina said. “He’s decided he _really_ cares now. Like pampering me and driving me crazy cares,” she said, which was not a lie. She was just withholding some of the truth. She knew her friend would be hurt, but she also knew her friend would understand when the time came. Besides, she could not keep the secret her entire pregnancy. Just the longer she waited, the more likely it was she would carry them full term or that something would happen without anyone knowing. Her biggest fear was that something would happen, and she would have the world reminding her of it every time she stepped out of her house. Walker was already a risk, he was loose-tongued when he got excited and if he told something to Taye, the latter might decide to out them in one of his mood swings. She had to look out for herself and her family right now.

“Better late than never,” she joked. Idina smiled in agreement.

Kristen got pulled away by some new arrivals and Aaron whisked Idina away to somewhere a bit more private behind the bouncy castle.

“How’s your-” Idina stopped mid-sentence.

“Dee?” Aaron asked.

Idina held up a silencing finger, one hand on her stomach, concentrating.

“I can feel them,” she whispered in excitement, her lips curling into a wide smile. “Barely, it’s like a feather, but I can feel them.”

His eyes lit up and his hands when under her shirt to her bump. She shivered at his cold touch but did not push him away, cupping his face as they stared at each other in excitement, planting kisses all over their beloved’s face.

She chuckled. “You won’t be able to feel anything for a few more weeks, honey. Sorry,” she said sympathetically.

“I thought it was too early to feel them kicking.”

“It is, but when it’s not your first time you can sometimes feel them moving around thirteen weeks in. We’re thirteen weeks, baby!” She hugged him around his neck and kissed his cheek. “It could also just be stupid menstrual stuff,” she admitted, “but I think it’s them.”

Neither of them let go. He was practically lifting her off the ground and she had already felt like she was floating when she had felt the movement deep within her gut.

“I’m sure it is, Chickadee,” he said. “You’d know better than me.”

“I do,” she affirmed confidently. She pressed her forehead to his. “I love you so much right now, Aaron, you have no idea.”

“I think I do, babe,” he said with a chuckle. He wrapped his arms around her waist. “Having a good time?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah,” he said.

She leaned over a kissed him. Slowly, the small gap between them disintegrated and she was pressing her body against his, revelling in the feel of her small bump pressing into his abs as he ran his hand up and down her hips.

“You’re insatiable,” he mumbled against her lips.

She kissed him again, running her hands along his back. “My hormones are out of whack and we haven’t done anything in months,” she muttered. “You’re so hot. How can I not be?”

He spun her around and kissed her neck. She cocked her head to one side, giving him better access and placed his hands under her shirt. He was stealing away all the handprints form the morning and replacing them with his own.

“You’re gonna leave a mark,” she muttered as he sucked at her pulsing point.

“What if I want too?” he asked seductively.

“Here,” she said, pointing to a different spot, higher up and closer to the back of her neck. “That way Walker won’t notice. I don’t want to have to explain it to him.” She grunted.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just cramps.”

He ran his hand down her front, massaging her gently. “Is that better?” he asked as he rubbed soothing circles on her skin.

“Maybe? It doesn’t work that way.” He continued to nuzzle and nip at her neck. “But you’re doing an excellent job either way. You could just hold me, and I’d feel better.”

Idina let out a deep moan as he started sucking at the spot on her neck she had appointed. One hand rose to the back of his head, running through his thick black hair while the other she placed over his hand, guiding him to her breasts. They were starting to get sore, courtesy of the twins, but she craved his touch more. She was touch starved. And he was satisfying her, one hand creeping between her legs and the other following her lead. She moaned his name, teetering on the edge of insanity.

“I’ve barely done anything,” he said with a chuckle when he had finished with her neck and was admiring his work, a reddish-purple bruise easily hidden by her hair. He ran a thumb over it, making her shutter “Have I really been neglecting you this much?”

“Yes,” she replied, out of breath. “But we should stop here unless you plan on pinning me against a tree and hoping no one starts a game of hide and seek.”

“I’m willing to risk it,” he said mischievously, “if you want.”

“No,” she said, laughing a bit. “We’d have better luck running off to a motel for a night.” She wrapped his arms around her, and they rocked back and forth. “We could stay here a bit longer though,” she said.

“I’d like that,” he breathed against her hair. “I feel like we rarely get time together anymore.”

“Wait till the twins come,” she warned. “This is going to look claustrophobic for the next three years. Walker was a lot of work; I cannot imagine two. I do not think we will be able to swap shifts for the first few months, it will be one kid each until they are more manageable. By by sleepy time,” she singsonged. “Once I’m off maternity leave, you’re gonna be on your own, babe, I hope you realize that.”

“I do, don’t worry. As I said, I will do the stay-at-home stuff. I don’t want to miss a moment; I know this is never going to happen again.”

She smiled. “You make me so excited just by being excited,” she explained. “I feel like you can do this, and thus we can do this. Which means there’s an us.”

“There will always be an us Dee,” he said. “Until death do us part. And even then, I’m sure whoever bits the dust first is going to find a way to haunt the other.”

“Damn right. If I die, I am gonna haunt you forever. I am going to hide your car keys and install Tinder on your phone and get you one-night sands and stop the house from burning down. I am going to be your guardian angel and pain in the ass all wrapped in my cute ghostly body. I will even wear my cat costume from _Rent_ and dance around the house. Maybe I will not wear anything at all, and you’ll have visions of me butt naked at the most inopportune times.”

“I’m having a vision of you butt naked right now,” he said. “And I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” He kissed her neck again.

“We should be getting back,” Idina said.

“Yeah,” Aaron lamented.

Taking one last minute to themselves, they held each other. Then they walked back to the party, hand in hand after making sure they were presentable.

“There you are!” someone called from across the yard. “It’s Idina Menzel! The one and the only.” Idina could feel herself blushing as some members of the _Frozen_ creative team beckoned her over. It seems they were trying to pitch her, or _Frozen_ , she was not sure, for some big live performance. It sounded interesting so she took the bait, squeezing Aaron’s hand in excitement before Kristen came to break it up, saying this was a party, not a work event. Idina was still handed a few numbers and people promised her they would be in touch with her agent.

“I missed this,” she told Aaron.

He nodded. “Me too.” He slipped his hand into hers and they smiled, fingers interlocking.

They went back to the snack table where they found Erika.

“Having fun?” Aaron asked.

She nodded nervously, looking over her shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Idina asked.

She took a few steps closer. “Those people have been staring at me for a while,” she whispered. “Do you know them?”

Idina and Aaron looked over to where she was indicating. They knew no one in the general area.

“No,” Idina said.

“Come with us,” Aaron said. They went over to the sitting area. The thee of them sat down on a couch with Erika in between them.

“Can you describe them?” Idina asked, still in a whisper even though they were in one of the more abandoned parts of the property.

“The man and woman with really long grey hair,” she stuttered.

Idina looked around. Now that she knew what she was looking for, they stuck out like a sore thumb. She had no idea who they were. They lowered their gaze the second they made eye contact.

“Can you stay here?” she asked her husband and daughter, “I’ll see if Kristen knows them.”

Aaron put an arm around Erika protectively as Idina stood up and looked around for Kristen. She kept looking back at Aaron and Erika, but Aaron had it under control. They were talking quietly, and Erika seemed a bit calmer.

“Hey Kris,” Idina said when her friend finished her conversation.

“Yeah Dee?”

“Do you know who those people are?” she asked, discreetly pointing them out.

“No,” she said, shocked. “I have no idea. I said no plus ones… I hope it is not some media personnel. I’ll see if Dax knows who they are.”

No dice. Dax was just as clueless as everyone else. With nothing else to do, he confronted them and asked them to leave, which they did quietly. Idina went back to the couch.

“They were probably from the press,” she said. “They’re always trying to crash these parties and get headlines. You good?”

“I think so,” Erika replied. “It was just unsettling.”

“They’re gone now,” Aaron said, rubbing her back.

“Thanks,” she said. “I feel kind of bad, they weren’t doing anything wrong.”

“Trust me,” Idina said, “they were. The press is never up to anything good.”

They sat on the couch and talked and ate. They prompted Erika to tell them about the go-carts. It sounded like so much fun. Walker was going to have a ball driving one of them later in the evening. Erika and the olive-skinned girl she had been working with, Amanda, were getting along. Idina hoped it was a budding friendship that would last past the party.

The go-cart race started just before sunset and Walker was ecstatic. They were going to race them around the track that had been put up in the yard, three laps. Everyone was being showered in sweets already, as prizes were handed out for best team, best the design, and everything Dax and Kristen could think up, making sure every cart got something. Erika was picking at her bag of candy while the carts lined up.

“Go!” Dax shouted and there was a loud squeak as about a dozen pedal-powered go-carts started moving.

“Go Walk!” Idina and Aaron cheered, holding hands, and waving them above their heads. This was the best sporting event they had ever been too.

Idina’s gaze wandered for a second and her heart stopped when she heard a loud crash and a bunch of cries. She watched herself running across the field along with other parents, dragging Aaron behind her for she was too shocked to let go of his hand and too full of pregnancy hormones and adrenaline for him to keep up.

“Mom!” Walker said.

Idina hugged him. He was fine, a few scraped and bruises, but he had a smile on his face.

“You okay baby?” she asked,

“Yes mom,” he said in exasperation. Her sassy little ten-year-old.

She smiled and hugged him again. Then she looked around. Were the others okay? Everyone seemed shaken but otherwise okay. Cuts, scraps, bruises, and a few tears, nothing more. She sighed in relief and hugged her son again.

“Let me go,” he complained, pushing her away.

Idina let him go, revealed that he was well enough to be embarrassed by her motherliness.

The party was over, the mood killed. Kristen and Dax apologized profusely, while the mother of the boy who had been responsible for the crash did the same thing. Everyone said it was no one fault, and everyone was having fun, so it was fine. Either way, the party was over, and people started to trickle out.

Idina stayed late, helping Kristen out and putting her family to work because she wanted more time talking to her friend. And she could not shake the growing feeling that something had been off with those strangers. What if they had something to do with the go-cart crash?

 _You are paranoid, Idina,_ she reminded herself. She was going to have to check herself into a mental asylum if this kept up. Soon she would be seeing things. And there she was again, getting paranoid and overreacting.

When they got home, it was late. Idina herded the kids to their rooms. Walker was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow and Erika was reading _A Room with a View_ for the third time. E.M. Forester was now her favourite author. Idina did no see what Erika saw in his stories, but she could tell they were good, just not her taste. Either way, she had read his entire repertoire to talk to her daughter about them.

She sighed and looked at the picture Aaron had taken a few weeks ago, now hanging on their wall. More would come. Erika belonged here.

Aaron crept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her midsection. She turned around and ran her hands through his hair. He kissed her fiercely, pressing her up against the wall and letting her know he wanted this just as much as she did. She ran her hands up and down his chest while he had one in her hair and one on the small of her back.

She let him take control, kissing her and coaxing noises from deep within her body. Aaron truly made her believe in the phrase ‘making love’ for that was all Idina felt with every touch, breath, and thought as he drove her crazy without doing anything at all.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, and he carried her to the kitchen table, gently setting her down on the countertop.

“You good with this?” she asked between kisses. “I’m basically on my period,” she reminded him, knowing Taye had found it disgusting. She had never bothered to try anything with Aaron during her time of the month, thinking he would share the same sentiment.

“Yes,” he breathed; his breath heavy with want. A hand slipped in between her legs and she cried out louder than she had meant too as he started to tease her. “Tampon or pad?” he asked, “I don’t want to accidentally injure you or the twins.” He was rubbing infuriating circles on her inner thigh.

“Pad,” she admitted. “Too nervous to use a tampon with the twins.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes.

“Good,” he said, “we wouldn’t want toxic shock right now.”

“I know, Aaron.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve been dealing with this since I was twelve. To put that in perspective, you were seven. I have been dealing with this since you were seven, babe, I got it under control. No need to mansplain,” she teased.

He grinned as he slowly moved his hand closer and closer to where she wanted it. She groaned and grunted as he rubbed her through her pants. She was wearing too much.

“Aaron!” she gasped as he started sucking at her neck.

“Shh,” he silenced. The kids were upstairs.

“The...the… rec... recording studio,” she gasped. It was soundproofed. There was a couch. It was close. This was the best idea of her life, marrying this man. She had not felt so alive in two decades.

He picked her up, her legs around his waist, but they barely made it to the hallways before they were kissing, and he was pressing her against a wall for fear of dropping her. She moaned against him as he flicked his tongue in all the ways he knew she liked. And in ways he had never done before.

“Mom?” came a curious voice from the stairwell. Walked came down the stairs in his PJs and started at them.

Idina was pressed up against the wall, flushed. Aaron was no better, his face buried in her neck and hair, their hands feeling each other all over.

“Walk, go back to bed,” she said through gritted teeth, trying to make her restlessness come across with care.

“Why are you making another baby?” he asked. “Don’t you have two?”

“We’re not ma-” she panted, her chest still heaving even though Aaron was doing nothing. “We’re not,” she said.

“But you’re having sex?” he asked.

“Walk… No, please go back to bed. Aaron and I want some alone time.” Her chest felt heavy, probably because Aaron’s head was resting on it as he looked at Walker too, the two of them trying to look as if they hadn’t been ready to tear their clothes off although her legs were still straddling his hips and their groins were pressed together with nothing but fabric between them.

“Do you like it?” he asked. He was not letting up.

“Yes,” she said. “Go to bed Walker, now. I mean it. I haven’t finished building you that basketball court; it can still disappear.”

“Can I watch?”

“No!” both her and Aaron exclaimed at the same time with so much force Aaron moved, making Idina slide against him and groan as it sent shock waves through her body.

“Are you okay mom?”

“Yeah,” she breathed. She was digging into Aaron for support. There was no way she could stand now and usher her curious little boy back upstairs.

“Walk,” Aaron said. “Your mother and I want to have some adult time to do adult stuff. Yes, we are going to have sex, no there will not be a third baby. Yes, your mother is going to enjoy it. My goal tonight is to make her the happiest woman on planet earth, but I cannot do that with you standing around, ‘kay?”

“How do you make her happy?”

“Well,” he said, “you know how you feel when you need to drink water, then you get some?”

The boy nodded.

“Your mom wants me to touch her right now. And when I do,” he ran a finger down her jawline and neck making her shutter and mumble his name, “she gets that same feeling. Only it is more intense because of brain chemicals. Like you said earlier, sex is nice because having a baby is not. So nice that people like to do it a lot. Especially your mom. So, can you let me make your mom happy?”

Walker considered for a moment, putting all the pieces in place. “I don’t get it,” he said.

“You won’t for a few more years,” Aaron said. “And it’s impossible to explain. You will understand someday though.”

“Please go to bed Walker,” Idina said. Aaron was not pinning her to the wall with the force he had been, and it was starting to irritate her. It was nearing midnight. Just go to bed.

“Does he make you happy?” Walker asked. Idina nodded. “How happy?”

“Like I’m the happiest person on earth,” she replied truthfully through a smile. “He makes me feel amazing, he makes all the demons go away.”

Walker nodded. “He’s going to make you that happy tonight?”

“Only if you march that butt of yours back to your room, close the door, and fall asleep,” she replied.

“Happier than dad made you?”

“Walk…” she pushed Aaron away and went over to her son. “Your dad and I made each other happy for a while. Really happy for a long while, but it broke. And it cannot be fixed. I know it is hard for you, but it would not have been fair to any of us. Not to you because Taye and I would have grown to hate each other as my parents did and I don’t want that for you, and not for your dad and me either because everyone deserves to be with people they love.”

“I want you to be happy,” he said, “but I want you and dad too.”

“You’ve still got us both pumpkin. It is hard to see, but you have your mommy and daddy more than most people do. Just because we do not live in the same house does not mean we love you any less. We love you more baby because we were willing to do all the hard things to make sure you got the best life instead of doing what was easiest. You deserve to wake up every morning to the smell of dinosaur pancakes, not mommy and daddy yelling at each other. You deserve parents who will show up to every game you play instead of picking and choosing who gets to go to which ones and fighting over it. Taye and I, we can do all that for you. Remember how Libby told you about how her parents yell at each other in the mornings and she never gets enough sleep?” He nodded. “That was Taye and I. It is not that we never loved each other, nor that we do not love you. We are doing what is best for all of us. Because this is not about me or him, it is about you, Walk. You are not the reason we broke up. You are the reason we wanted to be our best selves. And we had to realize that our best selves did not include each other. I loved your dad a lot, Walk, you have no idea. We were together for eighteen years. That is about double your life. It is a really, really long time to spend with someone and it is a long time to love someone and things just got so messy along the way. We are not perfect. We all slip up. We both messed up and now we are trying our best to make up for our mistakes. But that is not you, okay? I never want you to think that it was you. I would go through ever troubled time again if it meant getting you at the end. So would your dad.” She started crying. She was not sure when she had started, but now the tears were flowing freely.

Walker wiped them away. “I love you,” he said. “And I love dad.”

Idina nodded. “Good. Dad loves you too. He adores you Walk, just like I do. If we ever did anything right, it was you. He thinks the same. I know he does.”

“Don’t cry,” Walker said tenderly. “I don’t like it when you cry.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her face. “As I said, there are so many emotions. I love you so much it hurts. I never wanted to hurt you, all I wanted was for you to get everything you deserve and more.”

Walker hugged her, then looked over to Aaron who had been standing silently in the corner. “But what went wrong?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you,” she said, “that’s not fair on your dad when he’s not here to say his bit.” It would not be, she was still bitter, all these years later.

“Dad just says it was your fault,” Walker said blankly.

“What?” Idina asked.

“Dad said it was your fault. He said you just left one day. He said you left. You wanted to be with Aaron because you knew each other before and you like him more.”

Idina broke down. How could Taye say that? She had never said a word against him to Walker. Never, not once, no matter how deserved it was. Now he was lying bout her to Walker.

“No,” she said. “No Walk, that’s not what happened.”

“Then why did he say that?”

“I don’t know,” she said through tears. She was clueless, about Taye, about what to tell Walker. And she was mad at Taye, for lying, again. They were supposed to be putting Walker first. This was not putting Walker first. After seven years, they were falling apart. And Walker was growing up. He could notice the cracks.

Suddenly, she was struck by courage. She picked her son up, carried him to his room and put him to bed. Then she talked to him as if he were an adult and not her child. She told him about how they started to grow apart, what the early signs were. She skipped over the miscarriages because it would be too much for both her and him. She told him how they started as friends and how they can still be friends when they want too, even if it’s harder now and that’s more than what most people could say about their ex. They had him and he was more important than them and she was so sorry they had forgotten about that recently. Then she told him how it all went down. They had separated because they had been getting into daily shouting matches. Their marriage councillor had suggested it for a short while to sort things out. They had divorced because she had found another woman in Taye’s bed. It had started with nail marks she had not left, ended with a young hot blonde in her bed with her husband while her child was asleep. In that second it was over. She could still be friends, be civil, but she could not forgive him. She could move on, that was what she was doing with Aaron, being happy.

Walker was quiet the entire time. He got it, but she was not sure. He was ten. His brain was not fully developed, he was not well versed in complex emotions. Idina still loved Taye, she would never stop loving him, those feelings would always be there, but now instead of bringing her joy, they brought her anguish.

She ran her hand through his hair and rubbed his head. She could see the gears turning in his brain, trying to sort it all out.

“Is that really what happened?” he asked after a while.

“Yes,” Idina said. She crossed her heart.

“Then why did dad say you left for Aaron?”

“I did leave, that part was true, but I did not leave for Aaron. We did not start dating until two years after it happened. I don’t know why he said that pumpkin, but I think your dad’s a bit stressed right now and it’s lashing out in bad ways.” She was going back to ten-year-old talk, maybe because she did not understand it herself and was trying to dumb it down so that she could figure it out along with him.

Walker nodded.

“You know,” she said, remembering her promise. “Dad wants to be happy too,” she told him. “And I think there’s someone out there who can make him happy. He’s not going to do anything though unless you’re okay with it.”

“Did he ask you to talk to me about him dating?” Walked asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you want him to date other people?”

“Yeah Walk, I do. I want him to move on too. Why don’t you want him too?”

“I don’t want to replace you,” he said. “His last girlfriend wanted me to call her mom, and Dad said he wanted that too.”

“Oh honey, you’re not replacing me. Is Aaron replacing dad?”

“No,” he admitted, “It’s kinda like having dad plus one.”

“Yeah, see, if Taye finds someone, it’ll be like having mom plus one.”

“I don’t want mom plus one,” he said. “That sounds like more vegetables.”

Idina chuckled. “I have a feeling mom plus one will involve a lot more candy if you play your cards right. And you want to be a big strong basketball player one day. Basketball players eat their vegetables.”

“Dinosaurs ate meat.”

“Not all of them.”

“All the cool ones did.”

“You’re not a dinosaur. You’re a little boy.” She tickled his stomach. “Try talking to dad about it, set up rules. You must like her; she must give you extra candy and stand on her head whenever you enter a room. Whatever you can think of. You want dad to be happy, right?”

“Yeah, but why can’t I make him happy?”

“You do Walk, but it’s like I said about love and kisses, there are several types. You make dad a different type of happy than I did. You make me a different type of happy than Aaron does. You’re the most important type of happy Walk, but it doesn’t mean we don’t want others.”

“I think I get it,” he said.

“Good.” Idina kissed his forehead. “Can you go to bed now?”

Walker nodded. “Are you going to have sex now?”

“Probably not,” she admitted. The mood had been killed and she was emotionally exhausted now.

“You should,” he said through a yawn, snuggling up in his comforter and duvet. Idina tucked him in. “You were making movie moaning sounds. You sounded stupid. It was funny. But you were smiling too. I like it when you smile and if sex makes you smile you should do it.” He closed his eyes and rolled over onto his side and Idina planted another kiss on his brow, rubbing his back. She turned off the light and quietly slipped out the door.

Aaron was in their bedroom, reading. She crawled into bed beside him.

“I was listening in,” Aaron admitted.

“How much did you hear?”

“Up to that part about dad plus one,” Aaron said with a small smile. She knew he saw Walker as his child. It was part of why she loved him.

“He said we should have sex,” Idina admitted.

“Did he now?”

“Yup,” she said, stretching the word out unsure what to do with it.

Aaron chuckled. “That kid is going to say something at school one day,” he said, shaking his head. “That’s going to be one fun PT conference.”

“Yup. He said it was making me happy so we should do it.” She was not sure if she wanted to do it, but the more she sat there staring at him the more she was sure she did. This might be their last chance for the next year.

“Well, um, I mean, it’s up to you Dee.”

“Do you want too?”

“It’s up to you,” he repeated.

“I don’t want you sleeping with me just because I want too. You have to want to too.”

“I do. So, you want too?” He raised an eyebrow.

She nodded eagerly. “But, downstairs,” she reminded him. She did not trust herself to keep quiet. She did not trust him either.

“Recording studio or guest bedroom?” he asked, his hand moving to her waist.

That was hard. One was soundproofed, but only a couch, no bed. The guest bedroom was in the basement, leaving a whole floor in between them. “Recording studio,” she said, “let's play it safe.”

He nodded. They stared at each other for a few seconds, drinking each other. Slowly, Aaron took Idina’s hand and lead her down to the recording studio. They made a detour past Erika’s room to make sure she was sleeping peacefully, which she was. They closed the studio door and the atmosphere shifted. Idina bit her lower lip, looking up at her husband. It was like they were doing this for the first time again.

He kissed her slowly and tenderly, cupping her face with both hands. She smiled against his lips as they swayed backwards towards the wall. A hand went between her legs and another to her hair. He kissed her neck, making her moan his name and beg him to continue. He ran both his hands across her body, whispering in her ear exactly what he was going to make her feel and scream, but not how he was going to do it.

“Less foreplay,” she moaned between quick breaths. Her hands were running up and down his back, feeling all his muscles and curves.

He placed her legs around his waist, and with an arm under hers he lifted her and carried her to the couch, laying her down gently and showering her in kisses. They moved slowly, Aaron being extra careful not to put too much weigh on her abdomen. He used every tool at his disposal to drive his wife insane. His mouth, his tongue, his fingers. Whatever he could think of. He did not stop until she had almost passed out from the pleasure overloading her brain and he was sure she’d gone through every note in her vocal range as she screamed his name and cried out for him to continue. He was laying on top of her as her eyes fluttered, her breathing still jagged, drawing patterns on her bare skin.

“Mnnh,” she said, trying to get a comprehensible word out. He grinned at his handiwork. “Let me...” she gasped. “let me, you…” she breathed, still fumbling with her words.

His grin grew. “You don’t have to do anything for me, Dee,” he said. He kissed her temple and ran a finger down her torso, making her tremble. “This was amazing.”

“I… really hate you right now.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Is that how you say, ‘thank you’ Idina?” He chuckled and draped a blanket over her, then carried her back to their bedroom where he laid her down on the bed. She would be more comfortable here. He was in nothing but his boxers as he climbed in beside her.

Idina cuddled up beside her husband. “That was mind-blowing,” she told him, tracing circles on his chest. He kissed the top of her head. “I love you,” she said. “You’re way better than Taye,” she whispered even though there was no one else to hear. “He never had the patience for anything like that.” Her eyes fluttered closed. “I love you,” she said as she trailed off to sleep, Aaron not far behind. 


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to write time skips, I guess. Please continue to vote and comment. If you have tips for pacing please let me know, I suck at it. Also, what sounds better, Lohr-Menzel, or Menzel-Lohr?

The weeks were passing by quickly and before she knew it, Idina was in Florence’s office again. She did not bother taking her coat off. She was still trying to hide the pregnancy but the twins were growing fast and it would soon become impossible and she and Aaron were slowly working on a plan to tell immediate family and close friends, and then, eventually, the internet.

“Thanks for meeting with me on such short notice,” Florence said.

“It’s fine,” Idina said with a smile.

They went over the basics first, even though there was a sinking feeling in Idina’s gut that was growing with every passing second. She had everything prepared. Proof that Erika was doing better, reports from Dr. Snow, the grades form school. She showed Florence a picture of Erika and Walker laying on Erika’s bed colouring in a picture. It was stuff she and Aaron had carefully prepared.

“This is all very encouraging,” Florence said as she went through everything. “However.” Idina’s gut sank. She knew what was coming next. “Erika’s parents want to be involved.”

Idina just nodded. She had been preparing herself. She knew she had to show that she was the best place for Erika and becoming emotional would not help.

“They want to meet her. And in my professional experience, they’ll try and sue for full custody when it comes down to it.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Idina asked.

“Not right now,” Florence said. “Keep doing what you are doing. No one can deny what you are doing is amazing. Keep this up and you will have a solid case.”

“What about what Erika wants?”

“Right now, we know that Dr. Snow recommends that they do not meet, and that’s what’s stopping the situation from escalating. However, her opinions on who’s a better guardian are void if she does not know both guardians.”

“So, they won’t care what she thinks.”

“Right. And like I said, our goal is to prioritize family. If they can prove they have a house and a stable household, they will have the same grounding as you. And they do have it. Turns out goat raising can be profitable if one knows what they are doing. The discrepancy in money will be negated by the fact that they are her biological family and you are not.”

“What about the emotional implications. Erika and Walker for example. They get along quite well. Walker would be crushed. Erika would feel similarly.” Erika was better a numbing herself. She was still somewhat numb towards Idina, Aaron, and Walker, still not getting too involved, but she was also trusting in them to keep her safe and it was something.

“I would advise against bringing Walker into the equation at all when this escalates,” Florence replied. “It would lead to a legal reassessment of your and Mr. Diggs's decision to co-parent, and any emotional stress brought on by your situation could lead to favourable judgement towards Mr. Diggs.”

Idina took it all in. This was that moment. Walker or Erika. She could let one and keep one, or risk losing both. She could not lose both. She could not let Erika go. How could she do that and still call herself a mother, especially now with two more on the way?

Her arm was aching to rub her stomach, but she wanted to keep the pregnancy hidden until after she had legally adopted Erika. In case it changed something. They had around three more months to go until they could start the adoption process. The twins were due in five and a half. Idina could not do anything that would make the social worker suspect.

“What about Erika’s emotions?”

“Look, Idina, point-blank we say we’re here for the child, but there are a million rules and guidelines and as you well know the child’s wellbeing is often sidelined in the end. The person who will be looking out for them is all of this will be you and your husband. You can fight tooth and nail or choose the path of least resistance. It does not mean you cannot be in Erika’s life; it just means you cannot be her parents. You should talk with her and Dr. Snow and find out what is best for her. And if the ruling goes in your favour, you might not be able to cut Elija and Elvira out of her life, no matter how much you may want too.”

“I don’t see why they deserve anything. I have done more for her than they ever have. She was one month old when they left her. I’ve been here almost four times that time!”

“That will be taken into account,” Florence assured her.

“But probably dismissed because they are her parents.” She hated calling them her parent. She was Erika’s mother and Aaron her father. She may not call them ‘mother’ and ‘father’ and they may sometimes fill a role closer to that of an older sibling or friend, but they were her protectors and providers. They were her home and her safe place. They were the ones who loved and who checked up on her every night. They drove her to school and the library and they were the ones she came to with a problem. She called Walker her brother once when the boy had friends over and they had asked Erika if Walker was her bother and she had said ‘yes’. Walker adored her and he had known her less than Idina had. And Aaron would be heartbroken. Erika was his child, possessive intended and natural. His. Erika was his child; he did not see her as his own. He saw Walker as his own because Taye was there and Aaron knew his place in Walker’s life, but Erika was his daughter. And Idina believed that is she were to ever start calling either of them mom or dad it would be Aaron bestowed with the title first. Idina knew she was trying to fill a hole so big Erika did not even know the depts of it. One left behind by Elvira, by her other foster mothers, by her elder sister Elsa.

She blinked herself back to reality. “What should I do?” she asked again.

“There’s nothing you can do that you aren’t already doing right now,” Florence said. “But I want you to re-evaluate everything with Mr. Lohr and Dr. Snow. Do what is best for the girl.”

Idina nodded again. She thanked Florence and left. Then she called her husband. Together, they called Dr. Snow. Gerda was vehemently against telling Erika any of this. The therapist practically jumped down their throats over the line. Erika was doing so well, telling her any of this now would crush her. She would shut down, but more importantly, she would shut them out. Gerda was on their side over a thousand percent. Erika needed them. They were making progress with her in ways no one thought they would. Partly due to Elvira’s and Elija’s sudden appearance, but that did not change what had happened next. Erika thought she had a chance, and hope was a powerful thing.

There was still a good chance Erika would stay with them. This was turning out the be the most stable place Erika had ever been in. As a therapist, Gerda Snow could do nothing but advise that Erika not be removed, but she could muster a lot of power over a judge when the time came, for these matters were not determined by a jury.

* * *

Erika found out very quickly that she liked Hanukkah, or at least holidays with the Lohr-Menzel’s, more than she could have imagined. They did not do much, really, just cooked good food and said prayers. Aaron and Idina respected her enough not to force gifts on her and she was glad. She bought them both drug store cards with the allowance they gave her. Only a few dollars a week, but more than anyone had bothered to give her before. And she never wanted for anything either. She did not have to buy herself food or school supplies. It was truly something she could stash in her closet and not worry about anyone taking and use it when she wanted.

Though she’d written nothing more than _Happy Hanukah Aaron/Idina and thanks for not being a terrible person, Erika_ , they were still sitting on the mantle place along with all the other holiday cards the couple had received from extended family.

Then a Christmas tree went up and Erika learned that Idina had more ornaments than any sane person could need. Odd ones too. Kayaking moose and reindeer in Santa hats, an awkward flamingo dressed as Santa, famous character in Christmas attire, Hallmark collectibles, homemade ones by Walker, framed photos with pictures of Walker, Idina, and Aaron and a few faces Erika did not recognize. Idina was quick to order a new set of frame ornaments and print out the few pictures they had taken of Erika and stick them inside so now they were all on the tree together.

Idina had a dancing little tree toy that played Christmas music and she covered the house in fake mistletoe and garlands. The outside was covered in lights and she had stuck a snowflake projector in the garden. And they were not the most overboard house on the block. By comparison, theirs seemed quite tame. By Erika’s standards, even one needed to be checked into a mental facility. It was one day of the year. Give it a rest.

But she had to admit she did like the candy canes that begun popping up in odd places. And the colours were not ugly, just obnoxious. However, Erika still did not care one iota for Christmas music. Walker seemed to agree with her there, especially if it was one of Idina’s Christmas albums.

Aaron sang at the piano all the time now. Erika had not even noticed there was a large black piano in the living room. It had just been something she avoided. Now it was being used to accost her ears with cheerful music as the holiday drew near. It could be a whole lot worse and Erika did not complain.

She was sitting on the couch reading with Idina on the far side, doing the same when Aaron came in, bringing Walker home from basketball practice. He came over to the couch and stuck his nose in his mother’s bellybutton, telling the twins about his day. Idina giggled and rubbed his back, a silly smile on her face.

Erika looked up from her book a few times. She still was not sure how she felt about the twins. It had less to do with their place in the household and more to do with the idea of children. The more she thought about, the more distressing she found the idea of being pregnant. The idea of something growing inside her made her want to shiver. She was sure she never wanted kids. She would have no idea what to do with babies anyway. She never had any idea what to do with them. She could work with a toddler when necessary, but babies were helpless, and she found helplessness frustrating. She knew how excited Aaron and Idina were, but she had a gut worry someone might ask her to look after them and the last thing she wanted was to handle them. Not to mention when people were pregnant, they would start to go off on how amazing it was and telling Erika to just wait until she has children.

Will they want grandchildren from her? That is what being in a family meant. They were stuck together. If they wanted grandchildren, they would look to her. The very thought made her want to stab her gut and make sure it would never happen.

She liked Idina, but her very presence made Erika uncomfortable. She had told no one about this, of course, because everyone told her she was being stupid and going through a phase. It was far better if she just pretended like she was normal. But if she were going to be sticking around, what would happen in a few years? Therefore, she hated getting involved. It was so messy. She was so broken and unlovable. They were so delusional thinking this was just going to be perfect.

But she was safe. Erika repeated that to herself over and over again. Safe and that was all that mattered.

“I don’t feel good,” Walker said after a moment of silence.

“You don’t look good, baby,” Idina said, pressing the back of her hand against his head. “You’re burning up. Go upstairs and get some sleep.”

He nodded robotically. “I want my blanket,” he said as Idina steered him towards the stairs.

“Which one?”

“The one at Dad’s,” he replied.

“I’ll call him, ‘kay baby?”

“Yeah, can he come and play some games too?”

“Maybe, just get yourself changed.”

He went up the stairs and Idina called her ex.

“He’s not picking up,” she told Aaron after ten minutes of attempts. “I haven’t heard anything from him in a while, you?”

“Nothing,” he replied.

“I’m going over there,” Idina decided, picking up her car keys and walking out the door.

Aaron looked worried and Erika wondered if she should say something. This was not her issue. She liked Aaron. He was kind and nice in a way she had never seen before and she trusted him. When she had been younger, she had always imagined a father would be someone like Aaron. Until recently, she had never thought someone like that existed.

He sat down on the couch where Idina had been and Erika’s attention slowly dipped back into her book. She was reading _Graceling_ by Kristin Cashore. She had never felt so connected to a character as she did Katsa. She had gotten it out from the school library, yet for the first time, she wanted her own copy. She kept a notebook with her where she copied down passages she liked so that she could reread them when she wanted.

She found another passage and wrote it down.

“Good book?’

“Yeah,” she replied.

“Do you want some tea?” Erika knew enough now to know that he wanted tea and wanted someone to drink it with.

“Sure,” she said. She did not really care. It was winter. Tea was cozy.

He made two cups of orange and cinnamon tea and handed one to her.

“Thanks,” she said, taking a sip and continued to read. “You’re nervous,” she said after a few minutes. She hated things just looming. She liked everything on the table.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “but it’s none of your concern.”

She shrugged. If he said so. She went back to her book. Erika finished it before Idina got back. She should not have been gone that long.

* * *

Idina drove the quick drive to Taye’s. She had the spare key in her back pocket.

She rang the doorbell and knocked on the door. “Taye?” she called out. “Walk’s sick and he wants his blanket. He would like it if you came over too. May I come in?”

No reply.

“I’m coming in,” she warned as she pulled the key out of her pocket.

She unlocked the door and slipped into the house. It was all dark like no one was home. Where was he? She had not heard a thing for weeks and she had gone through Walker’s texts. Nothing. He had ghosted them. She hoped he was okay. He had to be okay.

“Hello, Taye?”

Idina turned on a few lights. Everything seemed orderly, but there was a faint, odd stench in the air. Just get the blanket. She made her way to Walker’s room and started going through the linen closet until she found the blue blanket her son was very fond of. He had had it since he was an infant, calling it ‘Boo’ when he had been too young to properly form words. She held it close and smelled it. It still smelled like her happy little baby. She missed him even though he was only a few minutes away.

She was making her way back to the door when she heard a noise.

“Taye?’ she asked again. “It’s just me, Idina. Walk’s sick and he wanted his blanket, and no one was home, so I let myself in. Hope you don’t mind.”

She turned around the corner where she found Taye. He looked awful. It had been weeks since he had shaved, and he reeked of alcohol and drugs.

“Taye!” she exclaimed, falling to her knees. “What’s wrong?” She looked him over. His face was bloody.

“You!” he snarled.

She recoiled. “Taye, it’s just me. Idina, Dee. Walk’s sick, our baby just wanted his blanket. I’m sorry I let myself in, I thought no one was home and Walk’s sick.”

He got up and lunged at her, his eyes bloodshot and crazed. She jumped out of the way.

“Taye!” she yelled. “What the actual hell is wrong with you?”

“You lying whore! You’re trying to get me locked up!” he yelled, thrashing around.

“Taye, you’re drunk. No one is trying to get you locked up, I promise,” Idina said as she dodged him, which wasn’t hard in his state. What had gotten him like this? She had never seen him like this before.

“Let me see Walker.”

“You’re _drunk_. No.”

“I want to see my son,” he boomed. “You are all out to get me. There're little goblins are out to get me! They are going to lock me up and now they are wearing my wife’s skin. They’ve stolen my child from me!”

“Taye, it’s just me, Idina.” She was backing up slowly, making her way to the door, her hands fumbling with her car keys, hoping for a quick getaway. “There are no goblins, Taye, baby, please. It is just me. Just Dee.” She was almost in tears. “You’re scaring me,” she whimpered.

“That’s exactly what a goblin would say!” he exclaimed and charged for her.

She screamed. She could not get out of the way fast enough. He pinned her down to the ground. She started crying, begging him to let her go. The babies, the twins. Oh god, the twins. He had no idea. It could get worse is he know. She begged him to stop, just let her go, he could see Walker, of course, he could, he was the boy’s father. Just let her go.

His eyes were bloodshot and crazed. “The goblins,” he muttered repeatedly, pinning her down. He was digging into her arms, but there was no weight on her abdomen.

“Taye, please, it’s me, it’s ‘Dina.”

“The goblins have you,” he told her tenderly. “They have you, my love. I’m going to save you.” He ran a tender finger down her face, tracing her cheekbone and jawline. “I’m going to save you sweet ‘Dina. I am so sorry, but it is going to hurt. But I will save you. Then we will save Walker. I’m so sorry Dee,” he said as he picked her up.

“Taye, what are you doing? Put me down!”

She was no match for him as he carried her over his shoulder across the house, further from the door, her escape. She pounded on his back, but it did nothing. She kicked, but there was nothing to kick at. He brought her to a bedroom where he chained her to the bed.

“Taye, stop this now before you do something you’ll regret,” she threatened as he tied her down. She had nothing left. “Kidnapping, seriously, Taye? Snap out of it. They will take Walker away from you. You will never see him again if you do not snap out of it.”

“You broke into my house.”

“I used the spare keys you gave me.”

“No! I gave those to _Idina_. You have taken her. I will get her back. I will purge you from her body and she will be mine again.” He started crying. “I’m so sorry sweet Dee,” he said, planting a kiss on her lips. “I’m going to get the goblins out,” he said in all seriousness, staring into the depths of her soul. “I’m going to scare them away. Then everything will be better again. My love, my love. I love you, my love. I do not want to hurt you, please know that. Don’t be scared, sweet thing, I’m freeing you, you will soon see that.” He was chanting in a singsong. Idina was very much afraid. Her vision was turning blurry.

She felt something press against her inner thigh. Something hot, burning hot. Searing pain shot through her limb and she smelt melting polyester and burnt skin. She screamed again.

“Taye, you’re hurting me, stop it, please. What do you want? Do you want me to come back to you? Please baby stop,” she begged him through tears. He just drove whatever it was harder into her skin.

Then it stopped and she gasped in relief.

“Who’s the jewel king?” Taye asked.

“You?” Idina guessed. “I have no idea Taye, please stop.”

He struck her. “I said who is the jewel king!” he roared. He produced a knife and Idina's eyes went wide. She clawed at her restraints, trying to getaway. “You will tell me who the Jewel king is or you will get the knife,” he growled, crawling over her on all fours as she trembled beneath him, closing her eyes and turning her face away. “I made it in holy water. It will melt the skin right off your face,” he said as he pressed the flat side of the knife to her face.

“See,” Idina said tenderly. “My face isn’t melting. Taye, it is just me. Just your Dee. I am here because of our son, Walker, he just wants his Boo. That’s it. You can come give him Boo if you want. Just stop this now before it gets out of hand.”

She stared up at him. His face softened and he looked almost afraid of himself. “Dee?” he gasped in a moment of clarity. “Dee? Oh my god.” He took a few steps back, looking around. “Oh my god, oh my god, Dee, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” He hid his face in his hand and crouched down in a corner.

“I’m fine. Just let me go,” she said. She would get him the help he needed. The blackmailer was taking a toll on her ex. He had cracked.

Taye did not move. He just sat there in the corner for an astronomical amount of time. Idina did not say a word, worried she might trigger another episode. She waited, trying to loosen the restraints herself.

Then, after what felt like an eternity, he stood up and walked over to the bed. He united Idina. Relieved, she rubbed her wrists.

“Thank you,” she said, still tender and loving. They walked in silence towards the door.

Idina picked up Boo from where it was on the floor, trying not to freak out. Her adrenaline was running high. She just had to make it out the door.

“That’s Walker’s,” Taye said, an edge in his voice that sent shivers down Idina’s spine and put her on high alert.

“Yeah babe, it is,” she replied. “I’m going to give it to him if you don’t mind of course. He wants it.” She was not sure if she should look him in the eye or not.

“It’s my son’s,” he growled again.

She dropped the blanket. Just get out!

He lunged at her again, throwing her against the wall. She heard someone scream, a blood-curdling scream only reserved for horror movies, as she sank in slow motion down to the floor and pain exploded through her lower back and head form where she’d connected with the wall and left an Idina sized dent. It was her own scream she was hearing.

Taye kicked at her, telling the goblin to leave his wife alone. Her first instinct was to cover her head, but she did not do that. She covered her gut. She did anything she could to put a barrier between the twins and her ex’s shoed foot.

A second scream was added to that of her own and the blows stopped. She looked up through trembling features to see Walker standing there, mid-scream, staring ta her wife-eyed in horror, Aaron right behind him.

“D-dad…” he stuttered, then looked over at Idina. “Mom!” he ran over to her, putting his little body between his father and his mother.

“Get away Walk,” Idina said, reaching for his face to push him away. He was in the crossfire. What if Taye decided their boy was a goblin too?

“Get away Walk,” Taye said as well. “Mom’s not mom. She is a goblin. I am getting the goblin out, then you will have your mommy and daddy back. You want that, don’t you Walkie?”

Walker was not paying any attention to his father. “Mom,” he said again, shaking her. “Mom!” He turned to his stepdad. “Aaron, help mom, please.”

“Walker, step away,” Taye said in warning.

“Do what he says, Walk,” Idina told him. “Please, baby, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Daddy’s not going to hurt me,” Walker said, turning to face his dad. “Are you?” he asked.

“No Walkie, I’d never hurt you. And I am not hurting your mom either. I am helping her. I am getting the goblin out. They have stolen her skin, Walk, that is why she has been acting so weird. They stole her skin but not her, she is fighting them, and we can help her come back. I love your mommy Walk, and I want her to come back too. I am doing what no one else will do. I am fighting the goblins. Look what they did to my face. They are not nice goblins; they are mean goblins. I’m going to save everyone from the goblins.”

“But you are hurling mom,” Walker insisted.

“Please Walker, go away,” Idina begged. She did not want to see him get hurt, her little baby boy. “Just go Walk, go home okay? I will see you at home. Go Walk.”

“See Walk, that’s you, mom. She knows I am helping her. She wants me to help her. That’s why she came here.”

“No!” Walker said. Idina tensed. Taye was getting agitated again.

Idina dared take a glance at Aaron. He flashed her his phone, which had 911 dialled and was on call. They just had to hold up until the professionals arrived.

Taye took a few steps closer and pushed Walker out of the way. “I’m going to heal you, Dee,” he said.

Walker screamed and jumped on his father, but Aaron pulled him off.

Taye pulled Idina to her feet, but he had to hold her upright. She was still shaking.

“I’m going to cure her!” he declared to no one.

Idina looked over at her husband who was still restraining her son, covering his eyes and ears the best he could. Then she looked at her son. This was exactly what she did not want to happen. This was the worst-case scenario she had never even imagined.

She felt a punch to her gut, and she screamed again in pure agony even though she was so shocked and numb she could not feel a thing. She watched as Aaron and Walker did the same thing, crying out. Aaron’s hand reaching out to stop Taye but thinking the better of it as he shouted “no!” and his face fell as the punch landed, and she keeled over a spit up blood. She fell the floor, again curling up to protect the most precious area of her body. By some mercy, it all went black.

* * *

“Mom?’

Idina groaned. She looked around, her eyes fluttering open to a blinding white light.

“Mom?” the same voice asked again.

“Walker?” she croaked; her voice hoarse.

“Mom!” he said excitedly. She felt the bed beneath her shake.

“Walk,” came another, comforting voice. “Give your mom some space.”

“Right,” the boy said.

“Hey there Chickadee,” Aaron said, his face clearing and coming into view. She smiled. He knelt to be at her level. “Hey there babe,” he said, stroking her face. “How are you feeling today?”

“Taye…” was all that she could get out. All that she remembered.

“He’s been admitted to an asylum,” Aaron said. “A few weeks ago. We haven’t heard anything yet, but Walk’s written a few letters.”

“What?”

“He cracked Dee. That girl he liked they had been seeing each other on and off for a few years. He wanted to marry her or something, and she had a six-year-old son called Benjamin. She died in a car crash and Benji was put into the system and there was nothing he could do about it, so he turned to alcohol and drugs.”

Idina furrowed her brow. It was not making any sense. She could hear what he was saying, and she knew all the words individually, but she could not put them together.

She turned to her side and threw up, blood mixed into the green vomit.

Aaron held a bowl out for her and rubbed her backside. “We’re at home,” he said. “You were in a medically induced coma for a few weeks, until they were sure nothing was seriously wrong, then they woke you up. We were there for a few more days and now we are home. I do not know how much you remember. They said you had some head trauma and it might make things a bit foggy for a while.”

He kissed her forehead. She stared at him blankly. She had no idea what was going on. Her heart was beating faster. Something had happened. Something he was not telling her. Or something he was trying to tell her, and she was not getting it. Where was Taye? Who was Benji? She did not know a Benji. Had she forgotten about someone?

“They thought it might better if you woke up here now that there’s nothing they can do,” Aaron continued, clueless that his words were not getting through. “And I convinced them I could assess you for nay mental trauma or issues. I love you Chickadee. So much.”

“Who’s… Chickadee?” she asked, her voice sore.

“You, baby,” he said with a smile. “It’s always you, baby.”

“Baby,” she echoed. There was something in that word… Babies! “Babies,” she told him in a panic, something finally getting through the haze.

“Fine,” he said again. “You’re one lucky goose. We both are. The doctors were able to save the twins. You’re so big because you’ve got way too much fluid floating around in there, it softened the blow just enough.”

“But,” Idina said.

“But there is a higher risk now,” he said. He paused.

“But!” Idina insisted.

“There’s a higher risk now, for the delivery, for after. I don’t know Dee, okay?” he said in exasperation. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m just stressed. I was not asking all the right questions. I just wanted to make sure you are all right. You are my number one.”

“Number five,” Idina corrected.

“Huh?”

“Twins, Walker, Erika,” she said. “Then Idina. Idina is number five.”

“Dee, there are no twins without you.”

“Walker and Erika first,” she said. “And twins before me.”

“Dee…”

“Promise?” she croaked.

He sighed.

“Promise me, Aaron!”

“I promise,” he said.

She took his hand and kissed his knuckles. “And Aaron before Idina too,” she said. “You help me so much, if you need something for yourself, do it. I’m good.”

“I don’t need anything,” he cooed. “Not now that my girl is safe.” The back of his fingers brushed against her cheek. They both smiled.

“What day is it?” Idina asked.

“January 17th,” he replied sympathetically. “It’s been a few weeks Dee.”

“I don’t remember any of it, Aaron,” she lamented, pouting, and lowering her gaze.

“Maybe it is for the best, Dee.” There were tears in his eyes.

“Don’t cry,” Idina said. “I’m here baby, I’m good.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “But you scared me either way. I hate seeing you like this.” He kissed her forehead.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she complained.

Aaron's lips curled upwards in a slight smile. That was his Idina. He helped her out of the bed and walked her over to the bathroom.

“How did I get this big?” she wondered, looking down at herself. “I’m quite sure I was this big when Walker was ready to come out. Also, why is the mirror covered?”

“I had to if I wanted you to come home,” he admitted. “They don’t want you seeing yourself until you’ve had a proper psych evaluation. And you are carrying twins. Not to mention you are making extra fluids. That’s what saved them.”

She rubbed her belly. “I don’t think it’s physically possible to get any bigger,” she muttered. “My back hurts so much,” she mumbled as she went o the bathroom, Aaron helping her.

When she was done, he carried her back to the bed. He laid her down, then laid down beside his wife.

“Do you want to know the genders?” he asked after a moment, his hand resting on her bump. “They told me at the hospital, a new nurse let it slip.”

“Genders?” she echoed. “I think you just told me.”

“No,” he said, “that’s not it.”

“Just tell me, Aaron.”

“Two boys,” he said.

“Oh.” She was not disappointed, just shocked. This was not how she imagined finding out. She had wanted a girl, just a small bit. But she was still so happy. Two little men. They would be perfect, just like Walker. “Walker must be ecstatic.”

“He is,” Aaron said with a chuckle. “I’ve had a ball trying to keep him off you. He is already planning to convert one of the guest bedrooms and he is going to teach them how to play basketball. He wants to name them after his favourite players.”

“I hope you told him we’re not doing that,” Idina said. “That’s your duty now, Dad.”

“I did, don’t worry.” He rubbed her stomach and kissed her hair.

“Where are Walk and Erika?”

“Walk’s downstairs,” Aaron said, “I wanted him to give you some space. Erika’s at a friend's house.”

“What? Who? When?”

Aaron chuckled. “The girl, Amanda from Kris’s party. They got pretty well.”

Idina was grinning. “Good. I’m happy.”

They talked for a while. Aaron was making Walker see Dr. Snow as well. He was as good as could be expected right now. He wanted to get them an emotional support dog. Or a dog, period. Just something with love to help with everything going on when he could not be there. Idina wanted a dog too.

Apparently for Christmas Erika had given Walker the jean quilt she had made in Home Ec. It was now Walker’s favourite blanket. She had programmed the sewing machine to embroider some cartoon dinosaurs on it and used some extra fabric to write him name down the side. The holidays had been a bit of bust though, with Idina in the hospital. Everything was still up and waiting for her.

“Mommy?” Walker’s voice came from the door. “Can I come in now?”

“Yes, baby,” she said, looking over to her son. Walker was holding jean quilt, probably the one Erika made. He crawled in between them and cover them in the blanket. Idina wanted to inspect it, but all she could do was stare at her son.

She ran a finger across his face. “Hey Walk,” she said. She kissed his forehead. “How’s my strong little man?”

“I’m okay,” he said. “Can I touch your belly?” he asked, a gleam growing in his eyes.

“’Course baby,” she said, “Just be gentle, Walk.”

“I know Mom,” he said. His hand joined theirs on her stomach. At that moment, one of the twins decided to kick. Walker flinched at pulled his arm back, alarmed.

“It’s fine baby,” Idina said. “They’re kicking now. They’re big enough you can feel it too.” She took her hand and placed it back on her stomach. “You can feel them, your little brothers. They’re going to be big and strong, just like you.”

He rubbed her belly, his eyes focused on it and his brow furrowed. “That’s weird,” he said. “But cool.”

Idina smiled, then looked past her son to her husband, who was grinning as well as one of his sons assaulted his hand. She yawned.

She was tired. And hungry, she realized. Her stomach growled.

“Dee,” Aaron said, drawing her attention. “Why don’t you rest, and I’ll make you some bread and butter? You haven’t had anything in your stomach for weeks, so we need to start slowly.”

“Yeah, that’s what the doctors said,” Walker agreed. “I’ll stay here with you mommy and Aaron can make food.”

“That sounds lovely, Pumpkin.” She opened her arms and pulled Walker in for snuggles. Her stomach was making that hard, but she did her level best, planting kisses on his hair as she did so. Walker pulled the quilt over the two of them.

“I love you Walk,” Idina said. “I’m so sorry about everything. I love you so very much.”

“I know,” he said. “it’s not your fault.” He was right, but it did not change how she felt. “Aaron says we can get a dog.”

“That sounds great,” Idina agreed, yawning again. She nestled up close against her little boy and drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (the quilt looks something like this but with dinosaur embroidery, I based it off the ones my grandma had but I don't have any pictures of them so this was the closest I could find on google)


	53. Chapter 53

Idina's secret was not a secret anymore. Her family had come to check up on her and they had noticed. Aaron was not going to lie to their faces, and he told them the truth and that it had been her secret to keep. She was received text upon texts from her parents. Apparently, before she had been brought home, she had had semi-coherent conversations with them. It must not have gone well because no one was telling her what she had said.

Well, technically they were texting Aaron. Idina was not allowed to see her reflection, or use her phone, any phone, but Aaron was making an exception. She complained and Aaron told her flatly she could recover here with her family or in a facility with visiting hours. He thought she would prefer the former, but if she wanted the latter, he would take her back. She did not want the latter, so she bit her lip and stopped complaining.

Doctors came by every few days. Idina was still in pain, still having moments of fog and memory loss. It was sometimes as simple as walking into a room and forgetting what she was going and other times she had no idea where she was. One time she forgot she was pregnant. Another she had forgotten she had married Aaron all together. Idina was worried. What if she forgot about Walker or Erika? She was on edge, never getting a peaceful sleep since it happened. She just referred to it as it. It was too much to think about.

Two weeks later and the swelling in her brain was going down, her episodes happened less often, and her dreams grew more troubled. Sometimes it was her on the floor. Sometimes she was watching Walker getting hurt. Other times her babies were clawing out of her stomach only to be squished under a boot. Aaron awoke her every time, pulled her out of the nightmare and held her until she fell back asleep. The one night he had been working late Erika had been the one to pull her out. Walked had come and curled up with the two of them and she awoke that morning after a deep, restful sleep with her two children on either side. Aaron had snapped a picture of that too, and it was formed and hanging beside the first picture he had ever taken of Erika and Idina asleep.

There were more now, of Erika and Walker mostly. But either way, there were more.

Erika’s birthday was coming up. February 20th. They had no idea what to do. For Christmas, they had only gotten her a few things, things that were semi-reasonable and necessary to help ease her nerves. A Kindle and Amazon gift card so that she could buy herself books. It was a cheaper model, the waterproof Paperwhite so she could read in the shower or bath if she wanted. It had no data compatibility or audiobook ability as those models were expensive enough to make her uncomfortable even though it was nothing to them. They had also signed her up for Driver’s Ed. And they bought her a few more pieces of clothes, some nicer items for an occasion since she had nothing but casual wear and her uniform.

Idina was thinking something small. Cake, some people she knew from school, Amanda. Some party games. They would use the backyard and trampoline, sleepover in the treehouse. It could be fun. The basketball court would be done by then, so they could play ball or do something else. Erika said she did not want a fuss made about it. Idina was okay with not making a big fuss, but she would make a fuss. It was Erika’s first birthday with them. She would be seventeen.

Idina was suddenly aware of how much they had missed. First steps, words. Sweet sixteen. Whoever had been privy to those probably had not even cared. Or not cared enough in the end. She wanted this day to be special, but she had to respect Erika’s wishes.

Aaron came out with a box of medical supplies. He was now her twenty-four-hour house nurse. He administered all her treatments and physiotherapy when the doctors were gone. He did it through kisses and encouraging words. Swallow the pill and we will make out; I will cover every place I kiss in gels and creams. It helped a lot. It was not cold or nonconsensual like it would have been in a hospital or rehabilitation facility. Aaron had the patience for her, even if it was the same routine every day.

He gave her a sympathetic look as he took out a machine. It was for her back. Electric jolts to stimulate her muscles. The doctors were very worried about the bruising muscles on her back. There was no spine damage, but if her muscles could not protect and support her spine, she could hurt herself easily. Apparently, it was safe when applied to her back. The current was not at a dangerous level, just a painful one. It was supposed to stimulate them and encourage them to heal. She had no idea if it was working, but she hated it and the physiotherapist, who came in once a week, insisted they do it every other day.

Idina closed her eyes and sighed. She hated this. The kids were at school, so they would not see her fuss and cry. But Aaron would have to hurt her, then leave for work. He hated it just as much as she did.

They did everything else first. At first, they had tried getting the though stuff over quickly, but it always put Idina in a bad mood and the last thing she wanted was Aaron making her do more. So, the stretched out her muscles, walked around the building, did the small work out she was supposed to do. Idina swallowed the large dry vitamins that scraped at her throat and spend half an hour writing out how she felt and what she feared, Dr. Hawthorne’s recommendation. Aaron backed it up. He prescribed it a lot. And who knows, maybe it would help her find the lyrics to a song.

Aaron lightly massaged the bruised area before he started to apply the cups, kissing each area before she sterilized it and applied the gel. Idina had no idea what they were called, but she did not care. They were cold and she was scared. This always hurt.

“You good?” Aaron asked.

“No,” she said. “I hate this.”

“I hate doing this to you,” he said. He kissed her forehead. “You’re so brave.” He squeezed her hand.

“If I hate this, and you hate this, we can just stop,” she argued, as she had all the days prior.

“We can’t, Dee. This is supposed to help.”

“Just, talk to me,” she said, “distract me.”

“Of course,” he said.

They were sitting on the couch in their room. It would be better if Idina could lay down, but her bump made the prone position impossible.

“One day I’m going to get one of those period cramp simulators and turn it up to ten,” she informed him. “While you’re asleep.”

“I don’t expect anything less,” he said as he applied the last cup.

She kept her back to him because he did not want to see the small machine, even if she wanted to stare into his eyes. She took his free hand and squeezed it, letting him know it was okay to start. At first, it was just a tingle. Light, like a feather.

Aaron talked to her. He told her about work, or more accurately his breaks. He was getting close to the other therapists and councillors. They had adventures with food thieves and collective payback. Entitled clients who were not any of their clients and who had burst into their break room to tear them a new one about customer service.

“Shit,” she said as he turned it up another notch. It stung but soon turned into an ache as she adjusted to it. She squeezed his hand as he turned it up another one and it stung just a tad bit more. “How many more?” she asked.

“Three,” he replied.

She swore once more and squeezed his hand. “Just give me a second to rest babe,” she said, not quite ready for the next level.

“Want me to move them up all at once?” he asked. It would be over quicker.

“Are you supposed to do that?” she asked.

“Maybe, they said to take your time to make sure you’re comfortable.” Idina snorted at this. “But they said all I had to do was get it up to ten and keep it there for three minutes.”

“Just do it then,” she said, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths. One, two- he did it and she cried out even though she did not want to. She squeezed his hand so tightly she was worried she might hurt him, but she could not break her grip until the pain turned into a throbbing ache. She had to try and keep her back muscles calm. Tensing up would not help. She needed to be relaxed so she took everything out on Aaron’s hand.

Aaron sang to her as they waited out the three minutes. His phone timer went off and he turned the dial down to zero, then cleaned her back off. He massaged her a bit too, kissing her neck as he did so. Anything she wanted.

“It’s all over,” he said.

“For today,” she muttered.

“You’re doing so much better.” It was true. Her range of mobility had increased from where it had been a few weeks ago when Aaron had to do everything for her from taking her to the bathroom to helping her sit upright and eat. Now she could get around the house. She was not stuck in whatever room Aaron left her in until he came home from work.

He still had a half-hour until he had to leave, so he held her against him, and they talked baby names. They had already decided against naming the twins after anyone they knew, or anything affiliated with any of their works. These were going to be their only children and they did not want to play favourites and create rifts. They also did not want the boys to grow up with their parent’s fame looming over them if their calling was not acting. Like Walker, whose calling was basketball, or like Aaron who had found his true purpose as a therapist. They had some books that were like dictionaries for names. Millions, all in alphabetical order with their origins and meanings. They circled ones they liked, then googled them. If they liked what was produced by a google search, they wrote it down, if not, they left it.

So far, they had narrowed it down to ten for each boy. They were thinking they would each name one, chose first and middle names from the lists. By they had to get twenty down to four, maybe six if they wanted to push it.

It helped that Idina felt like she knew them, knew their personalities. From the way the kicked each other or reacted when they were spoken too. She knew the larger weight on her left side was fussy beyond belief while the strong kicker on her right only seemed to do so when antagonized. Not even born yet at these two were already bickering. Hopefully, when they were no longer confined to the same space, they would get along better.

Aaron brought her pills for the morning. Not her vitamins. The pills. She had gone over every label and read every ingredient. Most of it was over the counter stuff that was not strong enough to do much more than take the edge off because she had refused everything else the doctors had tried to prescribe her.

He laid them all out for her and got her a glass of water. Swallow the pills and they will make out. She closed her eyes and went down the line in a few seconds. She was getting better at it. When she was done, she leaned in for a kiss. She knew she could get one whenever she wanted, but the idea of a reward made everything so much easier to do. Today she did not go for a quick peck. He needed to make up for that infernal torture machine he had just subjected her to.

“You’re spending more time with Walker, right?” Idina asked when they were done.

Aaron nodded. Aaron had been granted emergency custody of Walker with Idina in the hospital, and they were currently working to get Idina full custody of Walker until Taye gets out of rehab. She was worried that Walker was going to suffer without his dad around and hoping that Aaron could help in some way. Walker needed a father figure. Especially now.

“I’m worried about him,” she said.

“We’re doing the best we can,” comforted Aaron.

Idina nodded. “This is just so messed up.”

Aaron sat back down beside her and pulled her into his lap. “I know babe, but as I said, we’re doing the best we can.” He kissed her cheek. “You’re good at home today?’

“Yeah,” she replied. “I’ve been thinking of going back to the studio soon,” she said truthfully. “I’m starting to go stir crazy. But then we would have to announce the pregnancy. Rumours would start if we didn’t.”

“You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Let the rumours run wild if you want too.”

“I don’t want to do that to the projects though. I do not think that fair to them. The studio backed one would be fine, but the indie one would not recover. They are relying on me. I love this project so much. Did I tell you I am playing two characters? It’s just so interesting I wish I could talk about it!”

He was smiling. “If you want to go back, we can ask the doctors when they think it will be a good idea. You can do whatever you want about the pregnancy. Just make sure they know I am father, ‘kay babe?” he joked, earning himself a chuckle. “I want everyone to know I’ve slept with you.” She snorted.

“Everyone already knows that,” she said with an eye roll. “I’m pretty sure I said on a radio station that I check out horoscopes to make sure we were sexually compatible before I agreed to marry you.”

“And are we?”

“Are we what?”

“Sexually compatible?”

“You tell me, Sherlock.”

“I’d say so,” he said with a grin. He hugged her and kissed her cheek. “I have to go to work now, but you’re sure you’re good?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I’ll be fine. I have so many books to read anyway. And I am supposed to be doing Pilates, so I’ve got stuff to do.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later love. Hold down the fort while I’m out.”

“I am the fort, dumbo. Look at me. It’s a warzone in there.” She put his hand against her stomach where the twins were fighting. He smiled, rubbing her bump. He planted a kiss on it, then told the boys to be good for mommy and that daddy loves them before she followed him to the door and helped him with his coat.

* * *

That evening they decided to get a dog. The four of them went out to a dog shelter, calling ahead and asking if they could come during a quiet time or after hours and promising extra compensation because of paparazzi. The shelter seemed glad, having many bad encounters with paparazzi. Either way, they were descended upon the second someone noticed that Idina was leaving the house. Everyone wanted a picture of her bruised face and arms, and less than perfect posture.

Walker screamed at them. It was not cute, like when he was little. He was about to blow a blood vessel. Idina kept telling him to stop. This would end up online and people would see it when he got older. He stopped but gave everyone a livid stare.

Aaron drove and managed to lose their stalker paparazzo in the traffic. He pulled into the shelter and looked around. No one was suspicious. They all quickly ran into the shelter.

The family was greeted by a kind employee who showed them all their dogs. They wanted a smaller or medium-sized dog, one that would be okay at home for a while by itself and one that would be good with toddlers. They had told everything but the latter to the employee and she had a good understanding of what they wanted as many celebrities adopted from here.

She brought them to a room where they had chosen some dogs that would fit well with their lifestyle. Walker was quick to fall to his knees and get showered in dig kisses, wanting all of them. Idina chuckled and got down as well, petting the dogs, and playing with them, asking the employees questions.

Walker seemed to like a pug-labrador mix that had black fur and little white heart-shaped mark near his nose. Idina petted him. He was full of slobbery kisses. She looked up at Aaron with a smile. He crouched down and pet the little guy too, which suddenly drew the attention of every other pup and they were berated by about seven dogs all wanting attention.

After a few moments, Idina looked around for Erika. She was sitting cross-legged in a corner with a white dog in her lap. Idina crawled over. The dog was sweet, looking up at Idina with cute brown eyes and a happy expression, tail wagging.

“Aw, cute,” Walker said when he noticed.

They all came over and after a few minutes, it seemed like this was the dog they wanted. Aaron and Idina asked all about him. His name was Louie and he was a west highland terrier. He was four years old and was good with children of all ages and did not bark that much despite his size. With something to do, he could be left alone for the day while everyone was at work and school. His old family had left him here, after a divorce and no one wanted the dog, but they had children ages four and three so the shelter knew he was good with young kids even though it wasn’t common for his breed. He was nine kilograms. And he was perfect for them.

Idina picked the dog up. “Hey Louie,” she said, “I think you’re coming home with us.” She got a kiss on the nose and a small bark with lots of tail wagging.

While Aaron filled out all the adoption forms, Idina decided they would buy everything they needed here at the shelter. It was more expensive, but it supported a good cause. She picked out some toys, a crate, bed, leash and collar, and a few treats and food. Erika and Walker loaded it into the truck as Aaron and Idina finalized the adoption.

She wished adopting Erika would be this easy, but at the same time, she knew why it was not.

They loaded Louie into the crate and covered it with a towel so that he did not get nervous in the car ride. Walker was grinning and Erika seemed happy too. They had also asked for a list of trainers just in case, though Aaron was semi determined to train Louie as an ESA if possible.

When they got home, the paparazzi were waiting for them, cameras flashing. Aaron sent his family inside quickly with the dog crate. He unloaded the rest of the supplies while the cameramen were outside the gate, asking him questions and taking pictures of him. He said nothing and went about his business.

When he got inside, Idina was sitting on the couch with Louie, who was just as interested in her swelling stomach as Walker was. Idina had her bump exposed and the white furball as sniffing and licking it. They all felt like he knew exactly what was up with the star.

Louie barked a lot, but it was cheerful and manageable. And they did not have neighbours close enough to be annoyed. Erika was smiling and petting him.

The scene made Aaron smile like a maniac with an ear to ear grin. Idina looked up at him, mirroring his expression, her hand in Louie’s fur. Walker seemed just as happy. He had decided that Louie would sleep in his room and was setting up the bed there, then he came down to show Louie his bed.

Idina shook her head, smiling. “So is Walker taking care of Louie too?” she chuckled.

“I’ll help out,” Erika said with more enthusiasm than she generally had for anything.

“I know you will,” Aaron said. “Maybe Louie should stay in your room.” When it came to night terrors, Walker never had any and Idina had Aaron.

She shook her head. “I don’t want the fur,” she said.

“His breed doesn’t shed that much,” Idina reminded her.

“I’m good,” she replied.

For supper, they just made oven pizza. They ate it quickly, then fed Louie and spend the rest of the evening playing with him and doing homework. When the dog was tuckered out, Walker carried him up to his room.

“This was a great idea,” Idina said. “Now I’ve got someone to keep me company and to encourage me to work out more.” He only needed about twenty to forty minutes of exercise a day, so Idina could take him on two walks if she wanted. Runs once the twins came. Walker could too. Or Aaron and Erika. Everyone wanted to care for the pup.

They retired upstairs. Walker was asleep, the dog asleep on Walker’s bed, not the dog bed. Walker had a hand in the white coat, and he looked happy.

“Are we going to allow this?” Idina asked. “I don’t want to tell Walker no, but I’m not sure about the dog on the bed.”

“Dee, we both knew this dog was going to be spoiled rotten and neither of us has enough heart to say no the kids with a cute dog in the picture.”

“True,” she said in agreement. Especially now with everything going on. If Louie helped Walker out, what harm would letting him sleep on the bed be? Besides, it was not like he was going to get big. He was maxed size right now.

“I haven’t seen you smile in a while,” Aaron observed. He took her hand and tucked some hair behind her ear, making her blush through the bruises.

“I haven’t felt this centred in a while,” she admitted. She gave his hand an encouraging squeeze. She looked back at Walker. “This was a really good idea, I can feel it,” she said.

She led him into their bedroom and sat down on the couch.

“Can I look at myself in the mirror now?” she asked. “It’s been a while and I kind of saw a bit of myself in the car mirrors anyway, and I’d like to know what the press is seeing from those paparazzi pictures.”

“Um,” Aaron stuttered, giving it proper consideration. “Are you sure?”

“Is it that bad?”

“Well… I mean I think your beautiful, but I’m not sure if you should see, yet.”

“So it is that bad.” There was a hint of exasperation in her soft voice. She was trying to keep a level head, but hormones made that hard, especially when she was in constant pain.

“I’m just worried for you Dee. With everything happening and the twins. I don’t want you to start stressing out and spiralling about this.”

“I won’t!”

“Are you sure?” he asked calmly in a serious tone. It snapped Idina out of her state.

“I think it will happen either way,” she admitted “I’m a worrier. These two are making it worse,” she said, gesturing to her stomach. “I just want to know. I’m an adult, not a child.”

“If you were in rehabilitation, they wouldn’t let you.”

“You’ve been saying that for weeks. How do you know?”

There was a pause.

“I’m sorry, that was mean,” Idina muttered.

“You’re frustrated,” he said sympathetically. “I’ve been keeping you locked up.”

“You’re trying to do what’s best for me and since it’s you and not a doctor I keep acting like that changes my recovery.”

“It does, that’s why I pushed for it. I think it is better for you. And Walk and Erika and me.” He took both her hands supportively. He ran his thumbs over the back of her hands. “If you think you can handle it, you probably can,” he admitted after a minute. “And if not, I’m here for you. I just don’t want someone to decide this was a bad idea and send you away for a bit.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t then,” she sighed. “I want to stay here. This is my house for crying out loud.” She swore. “I mean ours; I mean, you know what I mean,” she sighed.

“Yeah I do, don’t worry Chickadee.” He dipped a finger under her chin and coaxed her to look up at him. “I think you’re so amazing and doing so well. And if you want to, you know yourself well enough to know when you are ready. I trust you, Dee.”

“Thank you,” she said, even though she was not quite sure why.

“Come, we’ll do this together.” He led her to their ensuite bathroom and instructed her to close her eyes while he removed the garbage bag he had duct-taped over the mirror. Then he walked up behind her and put his hand over hers slowly taking them down from her face. Her eyes were still closed. Idina took a deep breath before opening them.

Immediately, she looked at Aaron’s reflection. His chin was resting in the crook of her neck and tangled in her hair. He had his loving expression as they locked eyes through their reflections. Then she looked at herself. Her face was swollen, black and blue, with a clear line where she had been cut by the toe of Taye’s boot. It was similar to the marks on her arms and legs but seeing it on her face was just… it was making it all so real.

With slow movements, she touched her face, tracing the marks on her cheekbones and touching the cut on her lip that was smaller yet more visible than she had anticipated. There was a painful budge on her forehead she thought she had been exaggerating, but it was just as intense as she had imagined.

And her face was going to be everywhere. The shelter employees had been so kind not to stare. She was going to call in an even better tip for them than the one she had left. She could not believe she was letting Walker see her like this, knowing his father had left the marks. Erika did not deserve to have this be the face of kindness in her life.

“Are you good?” Aaron asked after a moment, still trapping her in his embrace.

“I think so,” she said.

“It looks a lot better than it did,” he said. “I know that’s not really comforting, but I kind of think it is.”

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this,” she said, still talking to his reflection. “It’s not fair on anyone.” She held his arms as he rocked her back and forth. “How many chances do we have left?” she asked.

“Hm?”

“The twins. How many chances do we have left? This is what, our third scare? How many times until it is not a scare? When does this end?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “We’ve made it this far. You have just got to hold out till June 2nd, babe. We are almost there. February’s a few days away.” His hands slipped down to her bump. “We’re going to have to sturdy, indestructible children after this,” he said, nibbling at her earlobe and making her chuckle. “I believe this will work out and I believe in you. You have made it this far; you have made it through the most dangerous part. You’ll make it through the rest of it.”

“May I have my phone back now?” she asked with an eye-roll.

“Sure,” he said. “Once I figure out what I did with it,” he teased. He kissed her cheek and looked back at her through the mirror. “I love you. Nothing will ever change that. I am going to fight tooth and nail for this family. For you, for everyone.”

“Don’t put that all on yourself,” she muttered, turning so that she was looking at him and not his reflection. “It’s not good for you to have that burden. We need to share it.”

“I agree, but you’ve been carrying this by yourself for too long. I’m going to carry it, or at the very least you, until we are both able to share the weight.”

Idina yawned. “Lets got o bed baby,” she said. “I’m tired. My feet hurt.”

“Do you want an ice bath and massage?” he asked.

“That does sound nice,” she lamented as they made their way back to the bed.

He helped her change because she still did not have the motion to do it herself. He massaged her feet and soaked them in a bowl of cold water he for from the tap. Just as Idina was about to lay down, they heard Louie barking.

“I’ll deal-” Aaron started.

Idina interjected. “No, both of us,” she said. “I love the crazy dog already.”

They walked out into the hallway where Louie was pawing at Erika’s door. Walker was standing in his doorway, tired. He was rubbing his eyes and holding the jean quilt.

Aaron and Idina exchanged questioning glances. There could be a million reasons why the dog wanted into the room.

Arron knocked on the door. “Erika?” he asked, “you good?”

No reply. She could be asleep. Erika teetered between being the lightest sleeper in the world and sleeping like the dead, depending on the situation. It was always extremes with her. Aaron opened the door and Louie rushed in. He jumped up onto the bed where Erika seemed to be in the first stages of night terrors and started licking her face and yipping, trying to wake her up. Both Aaron and Idina walked over to the bed and gently shoot her awake so that the dog did not frighten her.

Seemingly satisfied, Louie turned himself around three times in Erika's lap and laid down. Idina pet the dog.

“Good boy,” she said, kissing Erika’s temple. Then she looked up at her daughter. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she said steadily.

“Did something happen at school today?”

“No,” the girl replied. She had a hand in Louie’s white fur too and the dog’s tail was wagging and thumping against the bed like a battering-ram.

Aaron put an arm around his daughter, and she leaned into his chest, making both Aaron and Idina smile. She was so much more comfortable now than she had been her first night. Walker came in too, feeling left out. He smiled at Louie.

“He can stay in your room if you want,” Walker told his sister.

“I’m fine Walk,” she said with a nice smile.

“You sure?” he asked, but Idina shot him a glance that told him to drop it.

Louie started licking Erika’s hand, making her giggle. She ruffled the fur on his back and scratched him behind the ears. Idina now felt confident they had done the smartest thing since they started this adoption with Erika. Dogs loved unconditionally unless you were literally the scum of the earth. And even then, a very stubborn and loyal dog might still stick by your side. It would be interesting to see who Louie started to favour as time went on or if he would decide the entire family was under his charge.

Everyone sat there on Erika’s bed, playing with the newest addition to their family and losing track of time.

“There’s school tomorrow,” Idina reminded everyone when she saw the clock by Erika’s bedside.

“Boo,” said Walker. “I want to stay at home. Who’ll play with Louie?” The Westie perked up upon hearing his name.

“I’ll play with him,” Idina said. “You can walk him in the morning and in the afternoon when you come back from school and play with him then.”

“Boo,” the kid echoed again, this time in defeat knowing he would not win the argument. Then he yawned.

“Back to bed,” Idina ordered.

Walker refused by cuddling close and feigning sleep. She looked over for Aaron to help, maybe to carry him back to his room, but he had a sleepy Erika dozing on his chest. He was wearing an expression like the one she had seen when he had first touched her stomach and first seen the ultrasound. Pure, simple, and unconditional love for another human being. No one was taking this girl away from them.

She figured they could just all stay here, but she was not sure how comfortable Erika would be with that or if there was room for four of them plus a dog.

“Hey,” Aaron said quietly to Erika. “Do you want me to stay here or are you good?’

“Stay here,” she said, melting their hearts. She hugged Aaron, who smiled and kissed the top of her head. Maybe there would be enough room on the double bed. Not as much as in the master bedroom, but enough.

“Okay,” Aaron said. He gave Idina an apologetic look, but there was nothing to apologize for. They were both trapped by their love for the children. Idina and her inability to deny Walker comfort and Aaron with his inability to do the same for Erika.

They all slowly started to adjust, Walker moving to be between Erika and Idina, the former still wrapped in Aaron’s arms. It was not the most comfortable for Idina without her body pillow, but she was stuck a perpetual ache anyways so she would barely notice it. Louie scampered around for a bit, sniffing, and trying to figure out exactly where to sleep, but he soon settled for the foot of the bed, underneath Walker’s and in between Erika’s and Idina’s.

_n/a I have chosen first names but forgot about middle names, so suggestions? If there are some that work with what I have chosen, I will use those or use your suggestions as a starting point._


	54. Chapter 54

Erika’s birthday fell on a Friday. She was woken up that morning not by her alarm clock, but by Louie licking her face. She smiled and rubbed him behind the ear. He ran a few circles, yipping, before jumping off her bed and scampering off somewhere.

Her head was pounding. She had gone to sleep early last night, feeling a bit under the weather. Her sinuses were stuffed and there had been a bug going around.

She reached over her bedside table and picked up her phone. Arwen had texted her happy birthday wishes a few hours ago. Different time zones. She said thanks, then turned it off. It was not like they were close friends, but she was the only person who knew her sister and she was not willing to let that go yet.

She got up and felt chilly, so she grabbed the fuzzy blue housecoat from the hangers on the back of her door and went downstairs.

“Good morning!” Idina said excitedly when she came into the kitchen. “Happy birthday!”

“Thanks,” Erika mumbled, looking for cereal in the cupboard. It was not like being born was something she had had a say in or part of. It was stupid to celebrate it.

“I’m giving you a hug,” Idina said, wrapping her arms around Erika. She pressed their cheeks together. “You’re warm,” she said, concerned, turning Erika to look at her.

Erika found it hard to look at her face. It made her think that Idina had no chance of keeping her if her biological parents decided they wanted her. No one could claim she was in a stable environment with all of this going on. Not to mention she had seen many faces like that before, seen people make other faces look worse than Idina’s. She could not imagine what it had been like for Walker to watch his dad do that.

Idina pressed the back of her hand against Erika’s forehead. “I think you’ve got a fever,” Idina said.

There was a weird pause like she wanted to add ‘sweety’ or something like that but was biting her tongue. She had slipped once, and Erika had asked her not too. It was just too much, and she was not sure how to explain it. She tried talking to Dr. Snow too, but she had the same incapability to express herself. Snow told her to take it slowly. She would figure it out sometime, hopefully. Or they would finally realize she was going to be a serial killer or something and lock her up. That is what they with people without emotions and violent history.

Erika shrugged and blinked, unsure what Idina wanted her to say.

“Stay here,” Idina said, going over to the main floor bathroom and coming back with a thermometer. She directed Erika to a chair then stuck the thermometer in her ear. “You have a pretty high fever,” she muttered. She pressed the back of her hand against Erika’s forehead again. “I don’t think you’re going in today.”

“I have a presentation,” Erika said but she could hear how nasally she sounded.

“What time?”

“Nine.”

“How much?”

“I think it’s ten percent,” she said. They do not give an official grade breakdown in high school.

Idina thought for a moment. “Go in for the presentation, then go to the nurse’s office,” Idina suggested.

“I think I’ve missed too much,” Erika said quietly. She did not want to stay home. She knew she had missed a lot of schools and did not want to repeat this year. She just wanted to get everything over with. Not to mention, the school had always been her safe place where people cared or where she could just disappear. She missed it when she did not go. If she was sick, she wanted to go. She liked Idina, but the celebrity was too much sometimes.

Idina pouted and stroked her flushed cheeks. “I know you’re concerned,” she said. “But you can’t put your health on the line either.”

“It’s probably just a cold,” she said. There was one going around anyway.

“Yeah,” Idina sighed. “You can go in, but if you start to feel worse, I want you to call, okay?”

Erika nodded.

Aaron came down as Erika broke free and made herself cereal. Idina relayed everything to him and he backed her up, then wished her happy birthday. She gave him the same ‘thanks’ she’d given Idina.

* * *

When everyone was out of the house, Idina went through the mail. There was a thick letter from the California Justice System, form the foster agency branch. There were letters from Taye. One to her and one to Walker and even for Aaron and Erika. She started opening and reading them.

_Dear Walk,_

_Hey, bud. I am so sorry for everything. I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again. I don’t think they let me read all the letters you sent since the few I did get had parts blacked out, but I’m assuming you’re mad and I don’t blame you._

_I have no words to explain or rationalize what I did, only that I am sorry I hurt Dee and I am sorry you had to see it. I never should have gotten drunk and I never should have shut you out. Do not drink Walk, it will destroy your life. Every bad decision I have ever made I made when I was drunk. Cheating on your mom, losing you, hurting Dee. All because I could not cope like a healthy or normal person._

_I love you and I do not want you to make any of the mistakes I have ever made. If anyone looks at you the way Dee used to look at me, hold onto them and do everything in your power to make them happy. I lost your mom a long time ago because I forgot just how lucky I was to have her, and I deserve it. Do not make the same mistakes I did._

_I am getting help now. I need it. Do not be afraid to ask for help. The strongest men are the ones who are brave enough to ask for help. Being emotional does not make you weak; hurting those you love does. If you are scared, that is all right too. I was scared once that I would lose someone and then I lost everyone. I thought your mom was a lot of nasty things I will not write down for seeking help when she needed it. Now I get that she was right. I should have listened. Aaron’s job is saving people’s lives. Do not be afraid to talk to him or your mom or anyone else if you ever need too._

_I love you so much I have no words. I just want you to know that. I won’t write another letter unless you do; I just want you to know I’m sorry, I love you, and to tell you that I never want you to make the mistakes I did. I want you to be the better man._

_I hope one day you can forgive me, not for me but for yourself. It is not good to carry around anger or resentment. Forgive me and forget, move on. Live an amazing life with someone of your choosing and have all the kids you want, or none at all. Be a pro basketball player or pilot or crack and go on Broadway. Just be the better person. Always ask “is this kind” or “what are they feeling right now”. You have so much empathy and love form your mom. So much good from her. Do not lose that because of me._

_I love you and I always will,_

_Dad._

_Dear Idina,_

_I am sorry. That is all I can say. I have hurt you beyond reason and beyond words and I know there is no going back. Take care of our boy. I will not ask you to let me see him when I get out. Just take good care of him. I am going to sell my house and buy a small one somewhere and retire. I will not send you the address unless you ask. I am putting the money from selling the house in a fund for Walker. ~~I will also be splitting some of it for this other kid, Benjamin. His mother died~~. I know he does not need it and you are giving him everything, but I cannot in good conscious leave his life without anything. I am not asking you to speak of me kindly or speak of me at all. Just raise him right. _

_I am just so sorry about everything. The miscarriages, how I acted. You were right; I was hurting too. And I was taking it out on you because you were easy. I should have gone to therapy with you when it all started, not as a last-ditch effort after I had gone too far. I am realizing a lot here and most of it is that I spent the last seven years of out mirage not thinking about you. We were in love once and it is over, I know that. It is my fault and again I am sorry. You deserve so much more, and I hope Aaron is giving it to you._

_I just want you to be happy now. Sue me for the medical bills if you need retribution. I will not fight it. I will give you everything I have. I know it is not enough to make up for what I did to you and Walker. I know nothing will ever be. I just want you to know I am getting help. You do not have to worry about me. Sever our connection and be free. Give Walker the life he deserves, that is all I ask of you._

_Taye._

_Dear Aaron,_

_Love Idina and cherish her. She deserves so much more than what I gave her, and if you do not already know that, you are making the same mistakes I did._

_I am not going to be in your life anymore. Do not feel guilty about being a dad to Walker. He needs one now. All I ask is that you love him unconditionally._

_Taye._

_Dear Erika,_

_I know we have met once, but I would like to say I am sorry for any harm I indirectly caused you through my actions. I know you mean no harm to Walk and Idina told me about how you saved him from that bus. Thank you. I know Idina is fighting for you and if I have jeopardized that I cannot begin to apologize enough. She is an amazing mother and I know she loves you._

_Taye._

The last envelope, form the justice system, held a long, detailed letter informing them that Erika’s parents were suing for full custody of their daughter. It contained a detailed list of their claims against Idina and Aaron, as well as the option to settle out of court, in which they would still get to visit Erika if they chose too, and paid a lot of money. Or they could take this to court, and they would be suing for full custody.

Idina wondered if it was possible to hate someone she had never met this much before. And she had never felt so confused about Taye before. She would talk to Aaron tomorrow. She could not think straight when it came to Taye, or that much at all recently because he had beat her and her head was all messed up. She needed Aaron to come home soon.

But she put that all away for today because today was Erika’s day. Louie jumped into her lap and started licking at her bump. She smiled and took him out for a walk.

* * *

Erika stuck it out the entire day, but halfway through the bus right back she realized it may have been a bad idea. She walked through the door in a bit of a daze. She had felt like this before, but she had never thought going in would have been a bad idea. What was wrong with her?

No, she was not supposed to be thinking like that. She was supposed to be thinking that this was a safe place and that is why she felt like she should have stayed home. It was hard. It was not her go-to. And she knew it hurt Aaron and Idina, but there was nothing she could do about it. She was trying, but there was only so far one could go with trying.

In truth, Erika felt blocked. Like there was something physically stopping her from going all the way. She could almost feel like there was an all-consuming love that everyone else felt for each other, but Erika had never felt that. Snow said she was probably blocking something out and by extension protecting herself, but she was also making herself incapable of other things. Either way, it was out of her control. She could not turn it off or on.

Erika unlocked the door (because she was given a house key; it was still kind of mind-boggling that anyone would give her a house key) and stepped inside.

“Surprise!” a bunch of people yelled.

Nope.

The word practically flashed across her vision in bright red letters as she turned on her heel and walked back out the opened door, closing it behind her.

Her head was spinning, and she had no idea what to do. They were probably mad at her now. She sighed and sat down on the step, trying to figure everything out. They had gone through all effort and shed just walked out on them. Of course, they would be mad at her Would they? Had they ever been mad at her?

She heard the door open again and Idina and Aaron were soon sitting on either side.

“Are you okay?” Idina asked.

“Yeah,” she said, “Just kind of… surprised,” she admitted. She still was not sure how she felt.

“We can tell everyone to go home if you want,” Aaron said. “We know you said not to do anything, but it wasn’t sitting well with us. You should celebrate your birthday.”

“Why?” she asked.

“To celebrate you,” Idina said.

“I never asked to be born,” she said. “No one did. I had nothing to do with it.”

“I know,” Idina said. “So if you had nothing to do with it, you have nothing to do with your birthday, therefore we are saying that we are celebrating you today,” Idina argues, making it up as she went along. “And if you decide you’re done at some point we can just end it early. It is nothing elaborate. No gifts, a small cake, some games in the backyard. That’s it.”

Erika chuckled a bit. “Alright, fine,” she said with an eye-roll. She sneezed.

“Still sick?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah. A bit.”

“You sound sick,” he said. “As Dee said, if you start feeling like it is too much, you can call it quits, no one will be mad. It is just us, Amanda and her family, and a few kids from your class. Hudson, Delaney, and Nakita.”

She nodded. “Okay,” she said. “Sorry for freaking out.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Idina said. “We should have thought about you too. Let’s just all agree not to be sorry,” she said.

“Okay,” Erika said again.

She made it for three hours. They had cake, played bean bag toss and fetch with Louie along with other yard games. She had some fun. It felt less like a birthday party since no one was obsessing over her and it helped her feel more comfortable, but then the medicine wore off and she figured it had gone on long enough. It was the best birthday she had ever had. Not that there was much competition.

Erika went to bed early, but not before thanking Aaron and Idina for talking her into it. She did have fun, a bit of fun. They smiled and said it was no issue. They had no idea she knew a bit of sign language. It had never come up. They were so glad she had some friends. They told her she should spend time together with them more. They were just so proud of her, period. They knew she had a long way to go, but they were glad about the baby steps that she was taking. They loved her.

That night, after Louie had his last run around in the yard for the night, the four of them cuddled up on the couch and watched the second _Lord of the Rings_ movie. Walker sat beside his mother, still infatuated with the twins while Louie sat in Erika’s lap who was sitting between Walker and Aaron. Without realizing it, Erika fell asleep against Aaron halfway through the movie.


	55. Chapter 55

The next weekend, Idina and Aaron had set up a four-way meeting with themselves, a lawyer, and Dr. Snow. They were making a battle plan for the next few months. If they chose not to settle, which they were not, there was no doubt the Riveras would draw this out as long as possible if it would help their case. Their best bet was to argue for the benefit of Erika and to prove that it was a quick arrangement with Idina and Aaron as main custody holders, They would have a better chance if they let the Riveras have visitation, but they could always fight that later. Right now, they needed to secure what was most important.

There were so many bogus arguments in the letter Idina thought she might explode, and not just because she was carrying twins and had above-average amniotic fluids swelling her up like a blimp. Some were contradictory, others stupid. Erika had an Android, not an iPhone. So what? It was safer and it was the one recommended to work with her high school app. The school was more important than a brand name. Others claimed that Idina was a bad figure for wearing makeup and other such claims that aligned with their goat farmer's spiritual beliefs. It was infuriated.

Others had more reason. If Idina was having twins, she would have less time for Erika. Erika deserved someone who could give all their time to her, not split it between four children. She deserved a place where she did not have to worry about blackmailers and abusive exes. They also claimed that she and Aaron were probably using Erika as a babysitter, and if they were not then they were overprotective and hiring a babysitter to look after a teenager.

Yes, they hired a sitter. For Walker. Erika was not under any pressure to look after him or do what a sitter said. If they could not find a sitter, they paid Erika if she agreed. If she said no, she said no. That was that. At least the contradictory statements could be used to prove that Elvira and Elija had no concrete morals and used to disregard and discredit some of their other arguments.

They spent hours pouring through everything, receiving council, and finding evidence in their favour. There was so much in their favour, but they had no idea what their opponents might have against them or how a judge would feel about this. All they could do was their absolute best. That was what they were going to do.

Dr. Snow had their back, and so did Florence. Their lawyer, Mr. Carlyle, said that had a fighting chance. More, possibly, depending on what the Riveras had. They would know for sure at the preliminary hearing.

Secretly, Idina was hoping nothing would come after that. It would be so plainly obvious that Erika belonged with them that no one would question it and they would be awarded custody there. It was not going to happen, but it did not stop her from dreaming.

* * *

After the meeting, Idina had a doctor's appointment. She had millions of doctor's appointments. For the twins, for her. Today, it was for her. Another brain scan to see how the swelling in her brain was.

Idina was so glad to have Aaron beside her every step of the way. He joked around with her as she changed into the gown, doing the ties in the back up for her as she joked about her bump and how unbumpfriendly the gowns were in the neurotrauma ward. He sat with her until she was wheeled away to the room, her teddy bear in her arms.

After the scan, he helped her change while they waited for the results. Then she sat in his lap in silence, still processing the events of the morning. Everything was a bit slower now. Thoughts needed to be processed with a bit more care, actions considered and planned out when she was groggy or foggy. At least her memory lapses were small and far in between. At least her nightmares were not as bad as they could be. At least she had very few triggers when it came to flashbacks. At least this was not consuming her life. That was what she told herself every day. It sucked, but it could be so much worse She was so lucky.

The doctor came and told her the news.

"The swelling has gone down considerably," he said. "No more bleeding. However," he said, making Idina gulp and hold Aaron tighter. "There does seem to be some permanent damage. We would like to do more tests to be sure, but we believe this might be the end of your recovery."

"What does that mean?" Idina asked.

"It means that the memory lapses will continue," he explained. "You might improve your motor skills and functioning within the next few months, but we do not expect a full recovery. You will be dealing with brain trauma for the rest of your life. This will include the symptoms you have been experiencing recently, but it will also put you at higher risk for other things, such as seizures, uncontrollable muscle spasms, thoughts of self-harm or suicide, depression, and put you at high risk for future brain damage." He said all this so blankly Idina could easily imagine him as the Tin Man without a heart. "It will be an adjustment, but in all likelihood, it won't be a big one. You will have to pay extra attention to make sure you do not hit your head. Things like a mild concussion or whiplash could make this much worse. Unfortunately, when it comes to head trauma such as this, it is hard to tell exactly what will happen. It could be very minor and not affect your life at all, or it could be life-changing. All the signs are pointing to minimal changes, you will have to look out for yourself more, especially for mood swings because of your history with depression, but we do not believe there will be life-altering effects." He was trying to rationalize it to her. "There is no reason it should affect your quality of life as long as you take the right precautions."

There was a pause. Aaron was holding Idina tightly. Then he asked: "If she has thoughts of self-harm or suicide, will the medications make her condition worse?"

"It depends on the medication," the doctor replied. "Again, we will want to do more tests and monitor the situation closely for the next few months. If I am not mistaken, you are a therapist?" Aaron nodded. "I'll give you a list of ingredients if it will ease your mind. Anything with side effects of muscle spasms or bleeding and swelling should be avoided at all costs, especially if it had been linking to swelling of the brain. But it is highly unlikely any of that will be necessary. I just have to warn you of all the risks, as I'm sure you know," he explained.

He started writing down a list and notes, then handed it to Aaron who was still holding Idina against him. Aaron read it over while Idina did not look at it. She was not sure if she was in shock or holding back tears. She had come all this way just to find out she might be a psyche case again. A psyche case just like Taye. Aaron would tell her not to think like that, but she was always thinking of the worst-case scenario.

They booked more scans after the twins came. She would still have her monthly check-ups, but anything more intense would be saved until she had given birth and had some more time to heal. Idina held tightly to her bear. She had yet to name him. While Aaron was filling out more paperwork, she asked Instagram what they thought the bear should be called.

Answers came flooding in. Pookie, Elphie, Elsa, Carebear, Beardina, Teddy, Snugluzz. She smiled as she scrolled through the names that came piling in. She stopped when she saw Buttons. She was not sure why. There were no buttons on the bear, but she liked it. She made another post dubbing him Buttons, her emotional support bear, and thanking the user @WinnilivesinWinnipeg for the name. Then she made another post saying these results were better than the last, though not perfect. It was not a lie. She was getting better. She just was not going to make a full recovery. Support and prayers came pouring in as she transferred the messages to Twitter.

"What you up to?" Aaron asked.

"This is Buttons, my emotional support bear," she informed him, making him smile. "Just letting the Fanzels know I've named him and that I'm doing better," she said.

"Remember, you still have limited screen time until the doctors give you the A-Okay to go wild."

"I know," she said with an eye-roll. "I'm just getting used to this again. I will have to start promoting my projects once the twins come. They are in post now, so I do not have to do anything for a bit. I'm excited, I'm sure everyone is going to love them," she said, a gleam in her eyes coming back that Aaron had not seen in a while. "Then I'll have the stuff to do with my album if I ever finish it."

She took Aaron's hand and stood up. They walked through the hospital, arm in arm.

"Aaron?" she asked as they reached their car.

"Yeah?"

"Do you really think I might try and hurt myself?" she asked.

"No, I hope not. I just want to make sure every possibility is covered. And you do have a history..." he trailed off. "I believe you don't want to right now and, I, uh..." he trailed off, not looking her in the eyes. "I just love you Dee and I will always be worried about you."

She nodded even though it was not what she wanted to hear. "I don't want to want to hurt myself," she said. "But what if I do?"

"Then you tell me, and we sort it out like was always do."

"Okay," she said.

"You still remember our safe word?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Then you tell me if something happens. It might never happen. It probably will not. But I feel better knowing we have a bit of a plan and I think you do too."

"I do," she confirmed. She hugged him, her arms falling around his waist and she pressed her cheek into his chest. His arms fell limply around her waist too as his chin rested on the top of her head and they stood there for what felt like an eternity.

They might have stayed there longer but they heard the familiar sound of a camera shutter and Aaron quickly rushed Idina into the nearest door, which ended up being the passenger backseat. Then he got into the front driver and Idina crawled into the front passenger and gave the cameraman the finger as he came up to the door to try and get more pictures. She covered her face with a magazine as Aaron pulled out. The press already had enough pictures of her face, did they need more? Screw them.

* * *

"Hi, mom!" Walker said, jumping on her the second she stepped through the door.

Aaron was quick to intercept him and remind him that we cannot jump on mommy until the babies come.

"I love you mom," Walker said, still preventing her from entering the main part of the house.

Idina knew what was going on. "What do you want, Walkie-Talkie?" she asked in amusement.

"Nothing," he said with his arms behind his back and not looking at her. "I just love you. I made you food for the babies," he said, motioning to the kitchen. "Bridget helped," he informed her.

Walker was buttering her up for something. Idina paid and thanked his sitter. She had no idea what the boy was up to, but she wished Idina luck anyways and said bye to Aaron as she left.

Walker grinned as she ate the lunch he had prepared. It was a cheese and carrot pizza with Nutella instead of tomato sauce. Cheese and Nutella worked surprisingly well, but if she were not still craving carrots, she was pretty sure that part would be a bust and have her gagging in an instant.

"Will the babies end up orange if you eat too many carrots?" he asked.

"No," she said. She hoped not.

"Can I have a YouTube channel?" There it was. "Or Instagram? I want to stream games and talk about shoes. I don't have to put my face in it," he said quickly trying to get it all out.

"No," she said firmly. "We've already talked about this."

"But I'm older now."

"No," she replied.

"Can I have my own phone at least?" His phone was his insofar as Idina and Aaron knew everything he was doing on it and a lot of stuff was disabled. Her and Taye figured it was easier if he could just call them then having to go through a middleman every time, but he was still too young not to be monitored.

"No." She knew the instant she let that happen he would have his secret social media.

"That so unfair!" he said. "Taylor and Avery have them. And Erika's friends have Instagram. If Erika wanted Instagram would you say no?"

"Erika is older than you," she pointed out.

"How old do I have to be to have one?"

"Maybe thirteen," she said. "We'll talk about it when you turn thirteen."

"But I need one now," he complained. "You were born in the nineteen hundreds, mom, you don't get it. It's cool."

Idina tried not to chuckle or dwell on the fact that he was right.

"You're ruining my life!" he exclaimed as he stormed upstairs.

When he was out of earshot, Idina let out a chuckle. She turned to Aaron who had been promptly ignoring the outburst.

Walker came back to the top of the stair and yelled down: "I hate you too!" before scampering back to his room and slamming his door.

Idina could not help but laugh a bit. She did not have the emotional ability to get involved in this outburst right now. She would talk to him later when he had time to blow off some steam playing on his tablet and venting to Mr. Rabbit. Aaron seemed just as amused.

"Just wait till he's a teenager," she muttered under her breath. "That'll be one wild ride."

Aaron came up behind her and hugged her, his hands resting on her exceptionally large bump. "Yes, it will," he said, kissing her cheek.

"I hope we're doing everything right for him," she sighed. "I'm fairly sure he ripped up Taye's letter. I feel so awful."

"It's not your fault," Aaron said "And we are doing our best. That is all we can do. He's working through it with Snow and there's still lots of time."

"Yeah," she agreed.

She did break free form him for a few moments while she finished her pizza. Then she went upstairs to talk to Erika. When she got to the ajar door, she knocked on it. Erika was laying on her bed reading with her Kindle and did not seem to notice.

"Hey," Idina said. Erika looked up and sat up straight. Idina came and sat down beside her. "Kindle working out good?" she asked.

Erika nodded. She knew where Idina and Aaron had been today and why. There was no point in beating around the bush anymore.

"The lawyer says we have a fighting chance," Idina said. "If you want to stay with us. We will fight for you." She studied her daughter's face. There was nothing, but Idina knew she was shutting down again. "A lot of their claims were really silly," she continued. "A lot of it can be disproved and Dr. Snow is on our side, which helps more than you know," she continued. "And I'm sure they will consider your opinions too. This is about you after all." Idina paused, watching her reaction. She hugged Erika and kissed her brow. "I really love you; I hope you know that. We're going to do our best," she said. When Erika still did not reply she added: "Please don't shut me out again."

"I'm thinking," Erika said.

"That's alright," Idina said. "You can think all you like." She gasped as one of the twins decided to assault her ribcage.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, they're just kicking as their lives depend on it," she muttered, rubbing her belly, hoping it would calm then down. "Just a few more months, please cut it out," she said though it did nothing. "At least I know they're alive."

Erika said nothing. Idina knew she had some complex thoughts about the pregnancy that she never shared. Her expression always changed the slightest bit, just enough for them to notice. It was still as indecipherable as ever.

"I'm going to get certified as legal weapons," she joked. "If they break my ribs, I'm going to be livid. I'm not going through that again."

"You've broken your ribs before?"

"Yes, In _Wicked_. I fell through a hole in the stage near the end of the show and broke my ribs."

"Who put a hole in the stage?'

Idina chuckled. "Technical error. A trapdoor was supposed to be lowered slowly with me standing on it, instead, it made a five-foot hole in the middle of the stage."

"Oh, I thought it might have been like an inside job to get you or something."

Idina chuckled again. "That would have been interesting, but I wasn't as cool then as I am now. No one would go through all that trouble way back then."

Unlike Walker, Erika did not tell her she was not cool. She did not say Idina was cool either.

Idina rubbed the girl's back. "I hope you know we are going to do everything we can," she said. "We want you to stay with us as long as it is what you want. And I know that is a lot to wrap your head around. We honestly want what you want, even if it is not what we want most because when it comes down to it, what we really want is you to be happy."

"What if happy's not possible?"

"Oh Erika, sweety," Idina cooed, pulling her into another hug. "It's always possible. It's hard but it is, I promise." She stroked the girl's brown locks.

"I don't think so," she replied.

"Why not?"

"I think I'm broken or something," Erika said softly. Idina waited for her to elaborate, feeling it in the air even though there was a long pause. "I don't, um, feel like that ever. It's like there's a glass wall just stopping me, and I can't do anything about it," she explained. "I'm not a serial killer though."

"No one says you are," Idina comforted. "And I think you're trying to protect yourself from something. You will feel happy one day, I promise. Have a broken any of my promises to you yet?"

"No," she admitted. "Yet."

"And Gerda can help you too. She spent years studying all this stuff. Happy's fleeting anyways, maybe focus on joyful or something else. You are not broken. You just built yourself a safe room and locked yourself inside and you have lost the key. That is not broken, that smart and survivalist. We can help you find the key." Idina suddenly had an idea for a new song. She made a mental note and stored it away, wanting to focus on this moment with her daughter.

"What if I did something stupid like ate it or melted it?"

"If you ate it, it will come out. If you melted it, there's still a mould somewhere from when you made the key."

"I'm not winning this am a?" she asked in defeat.

"No," Idina replied kindly. "Maybe that's a good thing. Lose for once. This is not a battle you have to fight alone. Or at all. Let Aaron and I fight it for you."

"I can't," she said. "I'm scared."

"You want to be in control because you're the only person you can rely on. I get it. I have been there. I have been the person who wanted to do it all alone. It does not have a happy ending. But you are not alone, Erika. You got Aaron and I. We are here for you. You have Gerda Snow and Florence who want what is best for you. You have Walker who is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he has a large heart. Plus, he as ten-year-old cuteness superpowers so people cannot say no to him. So, will you let us fight for you?"

She was silent for a moment. "Last time I did that it ended badly," she said.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Idina asked. "Tell me about her?" Idina knew Erika knew that she knew about Elsa. It was in Erika's files, but the star had never mentioned it before now. She braced herself, waiting for whatever came next.

"No," came the swift but non-malicious reply. "How did the scan go?' she was changing the subject but not ending the conversation.

"Okay, all things considered," Idina admitted. Then she told Erika that she was likely to have permanent brain damage, so if anyone had a broken brain it was her. It was odd, saying it for herself to someone else. It made it more real in a way that it had not been moments ago.

"Maybe a miracle will happen," Erika said.

"If I have any leftover, I'm using them on you," she said. "Brain damage be damned. You're more important."

"I don't think you get to choose."

"Well, I'm going to call up God and complain to his manager," she said. "Maybe then I'll get a discount too," she joked.

"Like in _A Winter's Tale_ , where everyone gets one miracle to use but for someone else and it's usually predetermined?"

"I think so, but I'm not sure what you're talking about," Idina said.

"A book I was reading."

"I figured. Good?'

"Kind of."

"Better than bad," Idina pointed out.

"Yeah," she sighed.

"Did I tell you I was recording and Audiobook for _Howards End_?"

"No."

"I'm not really supposed to say anything, but I did. Not sure why I am, just thought you might find it interesting or cool or something. I am going to have to go on live television and tell everyone why the book's the best thing I have ever read. Do you know what I'm going to say?"

"That even though it was written a hundred years ago It deals with issues that can be easily applied to our current climate and have a complex and modern understanding of socialization and interactions?"

"No. Well, maybe a bit. I was going to say the story is important to me because it is one of the first things my daughter and I connected over. Nothing can beat a story that brings two people together in that way. That is of course if you don't mind me mentioning you."

"Um, well, I uh, haven't thought about it," she stammered, playing with her fingers uncomfortably.

"That's fine," Idina replied. "Remember—"

"I shouldn't be ashamed of being uncomfortable with something."

"Exactly," replied the elder woman with a smile. She rubbed Erika's back again. "That's exactly it. You could come with me too, sit in the back of the studios or something."

"That sounds a bit boring."

"Might be, might not be," she admitted. "Can we revisit it closer to the summer?"

"Sure," Erika replied with a shrug. "May I be left alone now?"

"Yes," Idina said with a bit of a heavy heart. She never wanted to leave. She also knew Erika need space. She kissed the girl's brow and left the room, feeling semi-accomplished in her mission.

She walked past her son's room and paused, wondering if she should go in when she heard Aaron's voice.

"Walk, do you know why your mom doesn't want you on social media," he asked.

"Because she's mean," her boy replied.

"No," Aaron said. "It's because that stuff is up there forever. You have seen the news when someone losses their job because of something they posted when they were a teenager. She does not want that happening to you. And before you say you will not post anything bad, think for a minute, what if you get mad and act irrationally? People will screenshot it and save it to a drive faster than you can delete it. Imagine you're a star NBA player, making more money than anyone in the history of the NBA, living the life and suddenly someone finds a video you posted where you use a slang word that is now considered bad. You're asleep and before you can even argue that you were thirteen when you said it and it was not considered bad, you've been fired and they're trying to take back some of your money and donate it to support agencies. Your mom's famous, so there will be a lot of people looking at you and waiting for you to mess up. You will not be able to mess up and forget about it. Everything you do will be saved."

"That _would_ suck," he said in exasperation.

"Yes, it would. Also, you cannot legally have platforms that are not managed until you are thirteen. So, either way, either your mom or I would have to approve anything and everything you do before it goes up and, knowing your mom, she won't want you to post anything. And if for some reason she did, again because people know who she is, you will get a lot of attention. Good attention and bad. You know how mom gets upset sometimes after a big performance and she hides her phone or asks me to take it away?"

"Yeah."

"It's because there are a lot of people out there who are mad because she's so good and they want to do whatever they can to make her feel bad. They will send her full indexed essays on why she messed up and why she is not as good as she thinks and a whole lot of other nasty things. Here, these are just a few comments from earlier today when she told everyone she was doing better."

There was a pause. "But that's not true!" Walker exclaimed in anger. "Mom's a great mom these people are mean they should get arrested."

"Exactly, but it's the internet. People are mean because they can be. She does not want you waking up every day to people saying mean and hurtful things because they can. It is not fair, nice, or right, but it is what happens when you are in the public eye. You will find it out later in life, but she wants to protect you from it for as long as she can. It is part of why I do not have any social media. I do not want to deal with it, and I am lucky enough that I do not have too. Your mom has too. She has to see the beginning if those notifications and she has to resist the urge to read all of it and sometimes she can't."

"And then she gets really sad."

"Yeah, then she gets really sad. Because we all have little demons telling us that we suck and it's a whole lot easier to believe them and the one person who agrees with them because their voice is louder than the millions of people telling us that we are amazing. She does not want that for you and neither do I. People can be mean; you have seen it at school. They can be a hundred times meaner when they are hidden behind a screen. We just want to protect you as long as we can, Walk."

"But what if I was really careful and I didn't let people comment?" he asked.

"Your mom said you can talk about it when you turn thirteen. I would say spend this time coming with a plan of what you till post and why it is a good idea. I think next year you get the choice to take a media navigations and safety class, so take that. Formulate a good argument. You have time on your side to change her mind, but not by begging her every day and telling her you hate her. Has that ever worked on anything?"

"No," he replied. "It just makes everyone feel bad."

"Exactly. You are so smart, you know that, right? Put it to good use."

"Okay," Walker said after a few minutes. "I'll think about it. You may go now." Walker practically shoved him out if the room onto Idina.

"I promise I wasn't trying to undermine your 'no'," he said to her.

Idina chuckled. "I know, you were just trying to explain it to him. Thank you," she said and hugged him from the side.

"I can feel them kicking form all the way over here," he muttered as the walked to their room to sit down. "Are you good?'

"Not like I can do anything about it," she replied. When they sat down, she recounted her conversation with Erika. There were so many green flags. How open she was, how long it when on. The fact that she did not get mad or blow up. It had to account for something. Absolutely had too.

Her feet were sore and swelling from a day of work and activity. Aaron offered to order in supper tonight so that he could spend the evening pampering her and she did not refuse.

They had a silent supper as a family later in the evening. Walker apologized and Erika was quieter than usual. There were few words exchanged all evening. Everyone had something looming over them. Louie was the only one who could break the tension, demanding attention and giving kisses. Erika and Walker walked him around the block after supper and Idina was just so glad they were getting along. She sent a security guard with them, of course. They had an on-call guard who lived close for such occasions. No one could claim she was irresponsible. His children were doing the tasks any other child might do and still with all the extra safety measures needed by their position.

They knew when their children returned because Louie was up the stairs fast than lighting, still too hyper for a dog who had been out for a half-hour for the second tie today and demanded more attention. They took him outside to play fetch and Idina marvelled at how much the yard had changed since they bought it.

A treehouse, trampoline, and newly completed basketball court marked their new additions. There was a garden Idina had planned out carefully and the pool had finally been fixed with a stone wall around it to keep Louie out. She could not wait until it was warm enough to use it and relieve the pressure on her feet. There were yard chairs and couches and tables as well, including some elaborate decorative metal benches that were surprisingly functional and had served as a backdrop for some of her wedding pictures. This was her home. She was going to rise her twins here. All four of her children.

Walker came out to play just as Louie was starting to tire out, so he took the little Westie up to his room instead. Louie was Walker's dog at night, sleeping on his bed. Then the dog would make his rounds waking people up and demanding attention that they were all too happy to give every morning.

If there was not a court case looming over their head, her life would be perfect.


	56. Chapter 56

Idina was walking through Taye’s old house, getting things for Walker before it sold. There were so many memories here. Good ones, bad ones. She was alone and paused when she saw the dents in the wall left by her body, the stains on the floor where she had spat up blood.

Taye was punching her again, screaming at her.

She took a step back and collided with someone. She turned around.

“Hey babe,” Taye said, a devilish grin on his face. He pushed her against the wall, an arm across her collarbone, just under her neck. Then he kissed her.

Why was he here? He had been locked away…

His tongue was not just in her mouth. It was going down her throat, down her intestine, through the umbilici cords and strangling the twins. She tried to scream but his tongue expanded and stole the breath from her lungs as her stomach went flat and the room turned red with blood and two baby-sized boats brushed past her legs.

“That’s better,” he said, his voice so innocent like when they had first met. She closed her eyes and remembered falling asleep beside him for the first time, then the doorman waking them up and yelling about Taye’s bike. Then they did it for the first time and it had been amazing.

She was on the bed, her hands chained, and he was crawling over her. She wanted him; she was excited. Be every time he did something it felt like a thousand knives were stabbing her. Her skin grew black, blue, and purple as he kissed her.

“Please stop, Taye,” she begged. “You’re hurting me. Please stop. Go slowly, babe.”

“You’re enjoying this,” he said flatly, his face no longer is own.

He undressed her, even though she had been naked minutes before, and began to pleasure her. It was like being kissed by sunlight, then, she was being burned. She screamed as the bed was set ablaze. He seemed not to notice as he continued, finally removing his jeans.

“Don’t!” she begged, suddenly remembering that she was married, and Aaron was standing behind Taye, glaring at her.

“Don’t cheat on me,” Aaron begged, “please Idina. I love you. Don’t ruin our marriage.” He was crying, tears falling down his cheek and his lower lip quivering. His eyes were begging her to stop this.

She had too. She begged Taye. But she could not stop him, and he had his way with her as she watched Aaron break down before her. His face shattered as he fell to his knees in a cry to strong no one could hear it. He sobbed, his shoulder heaving and silhouette trembling as he lay down on the floor. And Taye was in her, having his way with her and there was nothing she could do about it. It hurt so much. She felt like he was tearing her apart from the inside. Maybe he was.

“How could you do this to me?” Aaron cried. “I stayed with you, Idina I love you, why? Am I not enough?” He cried himself into a shrivelled shrub as Taye continued his assault.

Idina screamed with more vigour than she had previously. Maybe she could still save her marriage. This just encouraged Taye.

“You like it,” he said, and she suddenly did.

Her stomach swelled with child and suddenly a baby girl was falling out of her and Taye was smiling at their Bella. Her belly flattened and Taye went to work again, and she grew pregnant and again, and had a child again. It happened five times in total while Aaron reappeared each time, asking her to come back. Then the feeling of knives would reappear. All this on the still burning bed.

On the sixth child, Walker, no baby came. Instead, Taye hit her with a baseball bat until he exploded from her fully formed.

“Mom!” her son cried as Taye continued to beat her with the bat.

She fell to the floor and a boot was coming at her face while Aaron and Walker watched in horror. She covered her stomach while pain exploded in her face and stars blurred her vision. Then she felt kicks to her thighs, her arms, her shins.

“Ugly goblin, useless goblin, let my wife go,” Taye chanted to the tune of _Soft Kitty_.

Walker was crying while Aaron covered his eyes and ears.

“Sneaky goblin, mean goblin, die die die,” he continued, matching his blows to the tune. Then he pulled her upright by her hair. “Gone yet?” he asked and Idina projectile vomited blood in his face, completely accidentally. “Of course, you would not know when you were being helped,” Taye said, still reeking of alcohol. “You never did know what was good for you did you, Dee? Remember that time I stopped you from killing yourself? Any of those times. I saved your shitty excuse of a life and you left me because I was overwhelmed and needed some downtime with someone who was not a maniac.” He threw her against a wall.

She looked through puffy eyes back to her family. Aaron had moved further back and was completely covering Walker. His face was etched in fear as he stared at her unblinking.

Taye held her there. “Let me jog your memory, my love. The first time you tried pills. You shoved them down your throat and we had to get your stomach pumped.” He kissed her swollen lips. “The second time you nearly bled out and drew a bath instead of calling 911 when you killed our third.” His hand thrust between her legs and he pinched at her inner thighs. “The third time you took a knife to yourself. Your fourth time too. Once on the wrist, once to the neck. I stopped you both times, remember, and you tried to cut me up. Psycho!” He pulled his knife and pressed the side against her cheek. “Now goblin, are you going to leave now?” She stepped on her foot and punched her in the face again making the back of her head smashed against the wall.

He let her fall and continued the tirade. Eventually, more people came. More hands touched her, pulling her away from him, wrapping her in blankets. Amid it all, she found Aaron’s hand as her world turned brighter and whiter and lights shone down on her. Her ears were ringing. She tried to keep hold of Aaron, but her grip was failing her, and his hand slipped away as she was enveloped in darkness.

Her world started shaking.

She screamed again, just for good measure. She had nothing left and nothing to lose.

“MOM!” someone yelled, little hands shaking her. “Mommy, wake up!” Walker was crying.

Walker, her son. Her very alive son. She sat up.

She was enveloped in a hug and the smell of her son’s shampoo filled her nostrils. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him, still shaking. Louie came up and licked her hand. She felt more hands on her back: Erika.

“Sorry baby,” she said rubbing Walker’s back. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” She pulled Erika into the embrace too, wanting both her children. Louie curled up in her lap, pressing up against her bump. “Where’s Aaron?” she asked, looking around. She was not sure where she was. “What going on?”

“He got called into work,” Erika said softly. So, he was saving someone's life. “We’re here though,” she added.

Idina kissed her forehead and started crying.

“What’s wrong mom?” Walker asked.

“Nothing,” she sobbed.

Her children should not have to see this, but she could not stop herself. She had been back there, in that room. Nothing had been that vivid for her yet. Normally it was just small flashes. It had never gone on so long, been so enveloping. She could still feel the phantom bruises that were fading and no longer painful. She could feel the knife marks that were now scabs or scars. She felt the aftershock every time he had connected with her body. The fear that she was going to die there. The despair that Walker was watching.

“It’s okay mommy,” he said. “I think about it too. It makes me scared too.”

Idina cried harder because no son should be afraid of his father. She let go of Erika to pull the boy close, but she girl still held onto her and rested her head on Idina’s shoulder.

Everything was coming back to her. She had seen Taye yesterday. They were trying to solve the blackmailer matter before the preliminary custody hearing. She was not supposed to see him but someone had messed up schedules and they had been escorted right into each other and she had nearly lost it when she suddenly was face to face with him, and when she took a few steps back she backed herself up against a wall.

He had looked shocked too and tried to say something, but they were pulled away from each other. Idina had taken twenty minutes to calm down with Aaron’s help. Walker had no idea she had seen his dad.

She put an arm around each of her children and pulled them close. They should not have to help her.

“I love you mom,” Walker said. He kissed her cheek. Erika kissed her cheek too. Was that her saying ‘I love you’ nonverbally or was she just doing whatever she could think of to help, like when she had said ‘Dee’ at the hospital? “It’s okay,” Walker continued. “We’re safe here.”

“Yeah,” Erika said. “We’re safe here. You always tell me that. Nothing bad has happened here.”

She just cried, softly and quietly. The sobs were gone but the tears still flowed freely. She let go of Walker to reach for her phone. She was about to message Aaron, let him know how much she wanted him then she stopped. He was saving someone’s life. He would be stressed. He would be out of it tomorrow, whether he succeeded or not. Talking someone out of suicide was hard. Harder when one failed. She could not even imagine it, yet in a way, she could, knowing Taye had done it for her. Sort of. He had forced her out of it and kept her restrained until professionals could deal with her. Either way, he had saved her life. She would not be alive now, have Walker, without him.

Her silent tears were still falling, and she could not see the phone screen anyway. There was a click as Erika turned on a bedside lamp and pressed a glass of water against Idina’s lips.

“There’s school tomorrow,” she finally got out once her breathing had calmed and she had finished the glass of water. “You need sleep,” she said indirectly.

“We’ll sleep here,” Erika said, gently pulling Idina down with her in the manner Idina had often done for her. Walker followed suit, nestled against his mom.

“Here’s Buttons,” Walker said, pressing a familiar soft beat against her cheek. “I have Mr. Rabbit too.” He placed the bunny on her chest.

Idina pulled the bear close. It smelled like Aaron. She always washed it with his stuff so that it would smell like him. She tried to close her eyes, but every time she did, she saw his face and his boot and could smell his breath.

Erika whispered something in her ear, but she did not catch it. Then she girl wrapped an arm around her and Walker. She was smothered between her two children, both holding her tightly. She put the bear over her face, hoping it would help in some way. It helped just as much as having her children nestled in her arms, which was simultaneously a lot and not at all. They could not stop her mind, but they made her feel safe, reminded her what she had to live and fight for.

Idina let Walker cuddle Mr. Rabbit, but she held on to one of his paws. Louie barked a few times, then found his place on Idina’s upper chest, near Erika’s head. Luckily, no one was allergic to dogs.

Louie sneezed and they all chuckled. Then the dog sneezed again and Idina felt the faintest of smiles visit her lips. Somehow, she did manage to fall asleep, but it was fitful and unfruitful.

* * *

Aaron had not expected he would be spending his birthday in the courtroom. It was the final day of the trial against Lester Friday. He was an old friend of Taye and Idina's, someone Aaron had met back on _Rent_ and had liked well enough. For whatever reason, he was mad at Taye. There had yet to be a justifiable reason, but either way, he had eventually pleaded guilty, but only after it was too late to take a plea deal. He had not wanted money. He had a vendetta against Taye and wanted to destroy him, and crush on Idina that had turned toxic over the years.

He looked over at Idina who was sitting on the bench beside him. Today both she and Taye were to be in the same room, though they were separated. She was staring straight in front of her at nothing. She had been a bit out of this morning, warning signs that a memory lapse might be on its way. She had been slow and groggy, and she kept pausing every few minutes while making breakfast, having to recheck what she had done to figure out where she was.

He squeezed her hand encouragingly. He could see the twins kicking in her stomach. They made little indents in her shirt. She rubbed the bump, trying to calm them down even though nothing seemed to ever work.

Suddenly, Idina was blinking and looking around.

"Idina, babe?" Aaron asked.

Idina looked up at him, confusion written across her face. "I know you," she said.

Aaron nodded. "Yeah, babe," he said with a smile. "We're married, remember?"

She shook her head and pouted, looking down at her stomach. "I need to find my husband," she said. "Walker's kicking."

 _Not now_ , he pleaded.

"Dee, sweetie, can you get an envelope out of your purse for me?" he asked.

She had written herself a letter she used to let herself know what was going on when this happened. Idina did as she was instructed. She had the same adorable pout as she read over it. Aaron knew all the words by heart.

 _Idina, you are having memory lapses due to a brain injury. It is not permanent, do not worry, you will remember. Aaron is your husband. You love him very much and he loves you. Walker is 10 now. Erika is the teen girl you are adopting, and you love her too. You are pregnant with twins, not fat; do not freak out. They are a pain in the ass but alive :) Just stay calm and listen to Aaron. If he is not around, call him. His number is 675-980-0012. If he does not answer text him_ Boggle _and he will know what to do. Best regards, past lucid Idina._

She read over it a few times, still a look of visible confusion. Then the pulled the pictures of the envelop, proof of what the letter was saying. There was one of her and Aaron at their wedding, one of her and Walker at one of his basketball games, and the first picture Aaron had ever taken of Idina and Erika along with an ultrasound of the twins.

She looked up at him, cocking her head like a bird. "So, we're married?" she asked. He nodded. "Why?"

"Um, because I asked, and you said yes?" he offered.

"Hmm," she wondered as she looked away, considering. Then she turned back to him. "And these are our babies?" He nodded again. "Why on earth did I let you knock me up? I know the letter says I am supposed to love you but no way, these two are insane. And it's your fault."

He chuckled a bit. "It takes two to tango," he said, sitting down beside her.

"I can tango by myself. But only you can knock me up," she argued, crossing her arms. He wanted to put an arm around her, but if she did not remember that they were married it might not be the best idea.

She was inspecting the ring. "You loaded? I do not think I can afford this. I thought you quit acting. Did you join the mafia?"

"No Dee. You are a crazy rich millionaire and a Disney princess. Well, queen. Queen Elsa. We have a home in Encino. And a pool. You built Walker a basketball court in the backyard."

"Sucks I can't remember any of that. How do I know you're not lying?"

"Google it," he said.

She did. "Fine," she said once she went through a few search results. "Why are we in a courtroom?"

"A guy was blackmailing and extorting Taye, and when he did not get what he wanted he turned to you. They're going to lock him up today," Aaron explained.

"Is Taye alright?"

 _No_ , he wanted to say. _He is in a mental ward and rehabilitation and neither of you can look at each other. He became a drunkard and is the reason you do not remember me_. Aaron said none of that. Instead, he told her that the was the blackmailer had done nothing more than giving both him and her a scare and say a lot of disturbing and threatening things.

Much to his surprise, Idina leaned against his shoulder. Aaron put an arm around her.

"I think I like you," she said, looking up at him with wide, adorable green eyes. "Is Taye going to be here? Is Walker with him? If Walker's with us, does he want to know anything? Do we have to tell him stuff? Sorry, I am asking so many questions, I am just trying to figure it out. I swear yesterday we were at the doctor's listening to Walker's heartbeat. This is all so confusing." She looked down at her bump. "I went from one to two in a night. I'm so glad real life isn't like that."

"Taye might be here," he said. "Walker's at home. We are paying Erika to watch him and help him with his homework. They get along very well. Better sometimes than she does with us."

"Can I talk to Taye?"

"That's not a good idea."

"Why?"

He did not have time to answer as the judge came in and they all had to stand up. He held her and kept her upright, then guide her back down to her seat even though she no longer needed the aid. He needed it to calm his racing thoughts.

Idina sat quietly through the hearing. Friday got sentenced to the longest possible time but could get parole in three years. At least they did not have to worry about him for the next three years. Hopefully longer. He screamed and threatened the judge and jury as the judge passed the sentence, then made a lunge for Idina who was unfazed and did not react. He was hauled out kicking and screaming by security. He did not seem like the type of person to get parole in three years. Maybe they would not have to worry about him for a while.

They stood up to leave when Aaron noticed Taye staring at them from across the room. The other man quickly averted his gaze. Aaron hoped Idina did not see him. Taye had no idea about her memory loss or permanent brain damage. He could not know while he was in recovery.

Idina had to go to the bathroom. He escorted her there. While she was inside, he somehow ended up face to face with Taye.

"I'm sorry," Taye said again. "I really am."

"I know," Aaron replied. He was still mad at the man before him, but he also understood exactly what had happened. And it made it worse, knowing. It meant he could understand and sympathize even though he wanted to condemn him forever.

"Thanks for looking after them," he said. "How's Walker?"

"As good as can be expected," Aaron replied.

"It must have been horrible when he heard."

Aaron looked at him confused. "Heard? Taye..." he wasn't sure how to break this to him. He had no idea how much Taye remembered but by the stench of alcohol in the house that night, blackout drunk was not an impossibility. He could also be blocking that bit out, making up his own reality.

"What?" the man asked.

"He saw. He was worried that Idina would not be able to find the blanket and wanted to get it. He saw everything. We both did."

Taye's face broke and Aaron felt bad for him. "Why did you say you wanted to keep in contact?" he asked.

"For his sake," Aaron said. "Right now, he wants nothing to do with you, but he might later on."

Taye nodded. "God I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I am never going to drink again. I never should have to begin with."

"You're getting help, that's all that matters," Aaron replied. What else was there to say? He wanted Taye to get better, as much as he was mad at him.

Then Idina reappeared.

"Hi," she said to Taye.

Taye took a step back, looking between Idina and Aaron, clearly baffled by Idina's sudden presence and continuation of being present. Taye waved back, unable to speak. Her bruises had faded well enough that she could apply a little bit of makeup and nothing looked out of the ordinary. Aaron wondered if his wife's ex had seen a picture of her bruised face but doubted it. Stuff like that could ruin a recovery.

"Apparently we're not married anymore," Idina said nonchalantly. Taye gave Aaron a confused glance. "Did you know Walker's ten?"

"Uh, yeah," Taye said, looking around uncomfortably.

"I'm pretty sure yesterday he was zero."

"Time flies," Taye said.

"Faster for me!" she exclaimed with a bit of a smile.

"What is she talking about?" Taye asked Aaron as Idina got distracted by a piece of hair that had escaped her bun and was flopping down on her face. She pulled it straight between her fingers, using them like a straightening iron, then blew it out of her face, repeating the process when it fell back into place on her nose.

"She's uh," he stuttered, wondering if he should tell him yet desperately wanting him to know exactly what he had done. "She's been having memory lapses," he said. "Sometimes she just forgets and, um, yes, it happens. Normally they are not this bad. She hasn't had one this bad in months." Aaron looked back down at his wife who was smiling up at both of them as if to remind them that she was okay and there was nothing to worry about. "Or this long," he added, not sure why.

"How long?"

"Since the hearing started." That had been hours ago.

"I'm so sorry," he said again.

Aaron would see in his face that it was clicking, even if he had not said a thing to imply it. The mental image of Idina's head getting bashed into the wall was ever-present in his mind. The thud it made. The dent left in the wall. The way she had been too out of it to cry out, only whimper and beg as blood from her cut lips and inner cheek dribbled down her porcelain chin.

"Why?" Idina asked, still clueless. Aaron was not going to tell her. "It's not your fault," she said.

"It is," Taye replied, hand rising to his forehead and taking a few more steps backward. Away from them. "Oh god it is and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Dee." Tears were welling up in his eyes. "Will it get better?"

"Maybe," Aaron said. "They think there's some permanent, um..." he did not want to say damage.

"Damage," Taye said for him and he nodded. "Brain damage."

"And they're not sure exactly what the long-term side effects will be."

"Are there other issues?" he asked. "Please, I want to know."

"Well, um," he thought for a moment, trying to choose which ones he should share. Saying she had nightmares and flashbacks would not help Taye and he probably already knew that from the way she had reacted the last time they had come face-to-face. "Sometimes some twitching," he admitted. "But very rarely. No seizures, though it's still a possibility they might start and um," he wasn't sure what else to tell him. "Just memory lapses. Confusion, foggy and hazy days. She doesn't seem to have depression or much on those lines though, even if she might be more high risk."

"Oh," Taye said. "And flashbacks, I'd assume. PTSD?"

Aaron nodded.

"I'm so sorry," he said again.

"There's nothing that can be done now," Aaron said.

"The past is in the past," Idina singsonged quietly to the _Frozen_ tune. Evidently, it had not fully left her mind.

Idina looked up at Aaron for guidance. Suddenly she stumbled backwards, blinking uncontrollably, and staggering towards the floor butt first. Aaron caught her. She grabbed onto him; her eyes wide with panic.

"What are we, where?" she asked.

Aaron turned her away from Taye and pulled her into a hug. He sat her down on a bench, still facing away from him and crouched down so that he was looking up at her. He took both her hands in his. Her eyes wandered to the side where Taye was, but he put a hand up to block her, turning her face back to him.

"Breathe," he reminded her.

She took a few deep breaths. "What h-happened?" she asked.

"What do you remember?"

"We were sitting down... and that's it. I do not remember anything. Just now we were talking to him and..."

"Breathe, Idina." He made her take a few long, deep breaths. "Better?'

"Yes," she said. "What happened. I don't remember anything."

"Nothing?" he asked, concerned. Normally she remembered at least a bit, if not all.

"Nothing," she confirmed. "It's getting worse isn't it?"

"Don't jump to conclusions. This has been a stressful few weeks. Seeing Taye might be triggering something. Let's not jump to conclusions right away."

"Okay," Idina conceded. She pulled out her journal from her bag and made a note about the lapse. She asked Aaron a few questions about how long it had been, and she had forgotten and remembered. If she'd happy, mad, sad, or anything else. It was important to track it. Looking over her journal, there was a spike in entries for March. Her 30 minutes of journaling per day were more disorganized and stressful than they had become incoherent notes at times. "Everything's gotten worse this month," she said. "Oh, and happy birthday in case I didn't say it."

"Thanks, Chickadee," he said. "You did, don't worry. We're going to have some cake tonight and I'm going to choose the movie."

Idina chuckled. "If it's something I'm in you're in the doghouse," she informed him.

"Since the dog likes to sleep in Walker's bed, I don't see an issue with that," he teased.

"Then you'll be on the couch."

"Wouldn't be the first time. And are you sure you can handle me on the couch, all by my handsome lonesome?"

"I will, just to make you miserable."

"That's too bad. I hunted down a copy of that indie film you did in 2004. _Water_? was it called."

"That was never released to DVD," she informed him.

"Maybe I pirated it."

"Its R rated."

"Not in Quebec," he said, referring to the time she'd seen a movie rated PG-13 in a Quebec cinema not realizing that all PG-13 movies get marked as G with a warning not suitable for younger children while G and PG get plain old G, leaving PG-13 for R rated movies and 16+ with ID checks for _Fifty Shades of Grey_. Walker had been ecstatic to brag about seeing and R rated movie. Idina had been scarred. Aaron now thought it was hysterical. He kissed her gently on the lips, making her smile. "We'll watch something else. I don't think Walker or Erika would want to see that anyway."

"Maybe if I wasn't in it," she said. "I'm pretty sure I was still doing nude scenes than. I do not remember if you see more than my back though. It's been sixteen years."

"Ready to go?" he asked.

She nodded and he helped her up. She wiped at her nose and swore. Nosebleed. Not a side effect of her brain, only the dry cool air in the courthouse. Aaron grabbed her a Kleenex. Taye had not been brought back to the rehabilitation center yet, so Aaron plotted their route so that he was in between his wife and her ex and making sure he was not in Idina’s line of sight. Her flashbacks were plaguing her dreams almost every night and she was six months pregnant. She needed to stay healthy and stress-free for the twins. But this was now over. They never had to see him again unless Walker decided he wanted to talk to his. And that might be years away.

When they got back, the laundry was hanging out on the line and Louie had both his walks and was dozing on the couch, lost in puppy dreamland. His lower feet were twitching. Erika and Walker had baked a cake that was sitting on the island cooling and were in their rooms, doing whatever they wanted. Erika doing her homework and Walker playing _Angry Birds Star Wars_ on his tablet. The house had not burnt down while they were out and was still as orderly as they had left it.

They had a small birthday for Aaron, with all his favourite food and the promise he did not have to do any housework. Erika and Walker gave him homemade cards and brownies. Idina whispered in his ear he could grope her tonight to his heart’s desire, a devious grin on her lips as she licked his ear and sent shivers down his spine.

He ended up choosing a movie none of them had seen before, _The Golden Compass._ It was based on a book series and had flopped, but there was a TV reboot that people seemed to like. It was not an amazing movie, but Walker liked it. Aaron had insisted that Idina sit on his lap, mostly because he was missing her when he went to work, and all their free time had gotten caught up in the court case. He loved her weight on his lap, feeling her back press against his chest and tangling his fingers in her hair and shirt. He loved it when she pressed chaste kisses to his neck, just a reminder that she here and feeling the same. And he could rub her bump easily, he new favourite thing to do.

They had a nursery set up in their last upstairs guest bedroom. Two cribs, a couch, and few shelves lined with toys in the grey room. Idina thought it was not the most stimulating colour and they were debating painting it, but they were both too tired.

Idina fell asleep in his lap and as the movie ended, he had a wicked idea. He told the children they were going to in the pool and to get changed quietly. Erika seemed to guess exactly what he was thinking and gave him a judgemental glare. He told her it was his birthday and he could play a prank on his wife if he wanted too. That is why birthdays are amazing. She should start thinking about it for next year, have some fun. She would be eighteen.

Erika rolled her eyes and told him he was a dead man walking, then said she did not want to get wet but was going to watch and blame it all on him. Aaron shushed her as Idina stirred. Walker came down in his swim trunks and Aaron carried his wife to the pool. Louie followed them outside.

Aaron walked over to the steps. He debated slowly descending, clothes in all, or going to the deeper end and dropping Idina in. He was lucky the pregnancy had made her such a deep sleeper. She would be sleeping light once the children came.

Erika and Walker were watching from behind him as he walked over to the deep end. Then he felt a hand on his back and went stumbling forwards into the pool, catching only a glimpse of Erika and Walker snickering right behind him and quickly running away from the edge. The water was cold. They had not turned the heater on. His skin was tingling.

Idina woke up with a start, swearing and her hinds flying every which way, colliding with Aaron more than once. In between many choice four-letter words, she asked him what in the living hell was going on as she struggled a bit to float effortlessly with her bump. Aaron held her and he trod water in his jeans, helping her get her bearings.

“Aaron wanted to throw you in the water,” Walker said. “So, we pushed him in instead.”

“You’re supposed to do that when he’s not carrying me, Walk,” Idina said.

“CANNONBALL!” Walker screamed, running, and jumping in close to where they were, creating a splash so big they were surprised there was water left in the pool. It had almost hit Erika.

“Come on Erika,” Idina called. The girl shook her head.

“Get changed or I’m getting you,” Aaron threatened.

Erika still shook her head, so he got out of the pool, picker her up despite her protest and dunked her in. She sputtered but laughed even though she was trying to act very angry.

“I’m wearing cotton, you’ve just ruined the filter,” she said.

Walker splashed water in her face before anyone got to tell her than they did not care. She dove down under the water and reappeared behind him to splash him back. Aaron and Idina ganged up on them and they were soon trapped in a water fight no one was going to win. After a few minutes, they were cold and got out. Aaron put all their pyjamas into the dryer to warm them as they dried off.

“Happy birthday,” Idina said, still wet. She hugged him, knowing full well he had just changed into a dry shirt and rung her hair out on him, flicking some of it in his face. She was grinning, making him smile.

“This was a great birthday,” he said, planting a kiss on her brow. “I love you, don’t murder me. It’s my birthday gift, getting to dunk you.”

“I thought _I_ was your gift,” she complained with a raised eyebrow and raspy voice. She knew exactly what she was doing to him and she slowly back away, still dripping, her clothes hugging her frame. Her hips were still defined despite her bump. She swayed them knowingly. Her eyes were burning into his soul and her mouth was slightly parted. She licked her upper lip. Then she exited the room without warning as the dryer finished.

Aaron brought warm pyjamas to his kids. Walker was in Erika’s room as she was helping him with a hole in his shirt. They were on her bed, him in her lap she looked over his shoulder and guided his hands with the needle and thread. Aaron smiled and tossed them their pyjamas.

Then he went to his bedroom. Idina was laying on her, in sweats and a tank top, curled up with her pregnancy pillow that she had almost outgrown. Her eyes were closed, but he could tell they were strained, and she was trying to pretend to be asleep. The corner of her lip quivered as he neared the bed. She was definitely awake.

He slid in beside her after changing, then laid on his back ready to go to sleep, unsure what game to play. He moved over to cuddle her.

“I thought you were supposed to be my birthday gift,” he whispered into her ear.

“I though dunking me in the pool was your birthday gift,” she mumbled, sleep on her breath. She had no idea how seductive she was even when she was not trying. How cute her mannerisms were when she sighed or smiled. The way her eyes lit up or her face contorted when she smiled genuinely. She was just so adorable. And the way her lower lip trembled when she was about to smile. How could one not want to kiss it?

He ran a finger down her thigh. “That was a gift from me to me, what your gift to me?” he countered.

“Smart,” she said, groaning as she turned around, the effort made greater by their children. His face was doing one of its cute things. It happened when she was not thinking. She could be seductive when she wanted too, for the cameras, but the moments he loved the most when she was just being herself. When she was talking to someone, she loved or admired or a child she wanted to have a moment they would remember forever. Her mannerisms then were so pure, so Idina and the entire world loved it. She was doing that now, subconsciously, her perfect lips forming perfect shapes that Aaron knew all too well.

Aaron leaned in for a kiss. Their lips met and he kissed her like she was water and he was stranded in the Sahara; desperately but making it last. They got up, their lips not parting, now crouched on their knees. Idina pulled away and positioned herself in front of him, back to him. She pressed her back against his chest and took his hands, placing one between her legs and one on her breasts.

“Make the most of it, they’re going to be off-limits until they go back to their regular size after this,” she told him, cocking her neck to expose the skin on her neck. “I’m yours,” she breathed in her deep, raspy, seductive voice. “Take me.”

“Let me know if I’m hurting you or making you uncomfortable,” he said as he started to kiss her neck and rub her.

Her breath hitched and she moaned his name. “Don’t stop,” she breathed. He smiled, taking the encouragement.

He closed his eyes and kept kissed and feeling her, coaxing lovely noises from her, and smiling against her unblemished skin as they were moving in tandem, one hand guiding him and one in his hair.

He squeezed her inner thigh and she inhaled sharply, her entire body going ridged and slack. He stopped.

“Dee?” he asked, removing his hand, and wrapping his arms chastely around her waist.

She was breathing heavily. It took her a few seconds. “Sorry,” she said. “I just, I don’t know what came over me. I was just thinking about it… about how…”

“It’s fine,” he said lovingly. “If you’re not comfortable, it’s fine.”

“But it’s your birthday.”

“Would you want me to put out if it was hurting me or giving me flashbacks on your birthday?”

“No,” she replied. “It’s only fun if you want it as much as I do.”

“Exactly.”

“But I do want this,” she muttered. “I just… I don’t think I can right now.”

“Then we’ll wait till you can Chickadee. Come, let’s cuddle. I’m going to pepper you with kisses and tell you how much I love you if you do.”

She smiled. “I can do that,” she said as she fell into her place on his chest.

He did as he told her he would, then they sat in silence until he broke it. “What was bugging you earlier?” he asked.

She thought for a moment. “Just, Taye was pinching me there, and cutting me,” she explained. As he knew. He had seen all her scabs, scars, and bruises when she had been incapable of bathing herself and too weak to stand up for a shower. “I don’t know what came over me, but suddenly you were a wall and your hand here his.”

“That’s a flashback,” he said.

“I know, but I don’t know why.”

“I haven’t touched you like that since it happened. Maybe it’s a trigger.”

“You bathed me,” she pointed out.

“That was different.”

She sighed; it was. She had not yet told him that Taye violated her in her dreams. She always said that she was dreaming until a flashback came, but she never told him what about. It was eating at her mind. He would never do something like that when they had been together but drunk who knew. He had never hit her sober either. But he had, she reminded herself. At the safe house. He had been sober, had he? She had no idea.

“Bathroom,” she said, suddenly feeling the desperate urge to pee.

She moved to stand but Aaron was quicker, carrying her to the bathroom. He stood there, deliberately, as she pulled her pants down and urinated whilst giving him the finger. He was grinning.

“I swear you’ve got some weird fetish,” she said as she finished. “I just can’t figure it out. Who watches people pee?”

“You never close to the door, Dee,” he pointed out.

“That’ because I have two babies pushing on my bladder. I have no time,” she said as she washed her hands. “What’s your excuse.”

“You do it so often I forgot we’re supposed to close it.”

“I’m so glad our bedroom had a locked door,” she chuckled. “We’re going to have to make sure we don’t scar the twins for life.” She dried her hand and hugged him. “I know it’s your birthday, but may I have a bath?”

“Sure,” he replied in confusion.

“Like, could you bathe me, like you did when I couldn’t?” She battered her eyes.

“Sure,” he said again, shrugging. She smiled and kissed his cheek.

He drew a bath, suddenly realizing that her intent might be to get him wet. Or not. He was not sure. He helped her out of her close and quelled her protest by saying she wanted this just like he’d done when she’d been incapable, and that included changing her, picking her up, and lowering her into the tub. He took the towel and covered it in her favourite soap and rubbed his over her body, but most importantly her bump.

“My back feels so much better,” she mumbled through a smile. “I think I want to do one of those water births.” She flicked a few droplets at him. He had one arm rested on the tub wall and was crouching beside the tub. He washed her face as she continued, trying not to giggle. “But I’m also worried that it might make it harder if there are complications. Or what if the babies drown?”

“You can do whatever makes you more comfortable,” he said. “I’m not going to tell you what to do. I can’t imagine what it’s going to like for you.”

“I’m scared,” she admitted as she sat up so that he could do her back, massaging it as he did. Her bruises were clearing up. It had been weeks since the electric volt machine had been taken away, the doctor saying her muscles were now healing. “Maybe we should ask for a C-section. I was reading and eclampsia and being muddled and having memory issues during the birth is one of the symptoms. How will the doctors know if I am having preeclampsia or if it is my brain being stupid? What if I have a mental episode during the birth? Maybe I should go on an epidural, but I was also talking to Felicity and she thinks it might be safe if I could feel what was going on and I think it would be too. But I do not want to give birth to twins. Walker took eight hours. They were the most painful eight hours of my life, recent events included. Would twins be longer? I have heard many accounts that they come within minutes of each other. Rarely there are hours in between them when something goes wrong.”

“If I could take any of this from you I would,” he replied. He remembered the Ellen interview Taye had done after Walker had been born where he described how overwhelmed he was the second he saw how much pain India had been in and he had to leave the room. A few times. But he stuck it out for the crowning and looked then, and when they had pulled Walker out at it had been the happiest moment of his life. Aaron wanted that. He craved it. When his sons came into the world, he wanted to feel all of it. He knew Idina felt the same.

“Did you know they can set up a mirror so that you can see what going on the entire time?” Idina asked.

“No,” he replied as he scrubbed her toes. He kissed them, then licked in between them. “Foot fetish,” he said, making her giggle.

“I’m saying no. If you want to look you can, it ain’t pretty. But I do not want to see.”

“Again, Idina, all I want are two healthy boys. Our little boys. After that, do whatever will make you most comfortable and safe.”

“Do you till have to go away the week before?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “But I’ll be a two-hour drive away, so if they come early just text and I’ll be as soon as I can.”

“I still can’t decide if I want my mom over or not,” she said, leaning her head back as he did her chest and arms. “She’ll be a help, but I think she’ll be too much for Erika. Maybe we should pay for her to stay in a hotel or Air B&B?”

“IF you want too,” he said. “Again, whatever you want. You are in control. Tell me what you want, and I try my best to make it happen.”

‘Air B&B,” she said. “And I’m getting my tubes tied after this, no ifs, thens, or buts.”

He was finished. She helped him rinse her off, then he helped her stand up and she dried herself.

“I’m going to sleep naked,” she informed him. “Clothes be dammed. Don’t let Walker crawl all over me tomorrow morning.”

He smirked. “Whatever floats your boat.”

“I’m a reverse submarine,” she said. “Water and people on the inside, air and the world on the outside. I don’t float, I sink.”

“Whatever sinks you submarine then,” he said. He picked her up and carried her back to the bed.

“I love you,” she said, and they cuddled under the covers, Aaron ditching his short because Idina had somehow managed to get it wet without him noticing. She squeezed his muscles. “I must be one hell of a workout,” she said. “Babies and all.”

“Yup,” he replied, planting a kiss on her nose. “Babies and all.”


	57. Chapter 57

_n/a I know this chapter feels a bit disjointed, but it is all important later. I promise!_

Mid-April brought the preliminary court hearing for Erika's custody trial. Idina, at seven and a half months pregnant, wanted to do nothing more than slap a few people over the head and never hear about the issue again. They did realize they were making her walk around the courthouse, through the courthouse, then stand for hours on end, right? She was fatter than most women were by nine months and she was still expanding. She had long ago given up on heels, but with her figure, she needed the height and had opted for these very grounded, but height-giving platform shoes. She wanted to look authoritative.

Aaron was beside her. It was a weekday, so Erika and Walker were at school. It was better this way. Hopefully, Erika would never have to come. Snow did not think it would be a good idea. The girl had written up her own testimony, a small paragraph along the line of "I want to stay with Idina and Aaron. They are the nicest people I've ever met, and they never left me to die." Though more eloquent and civil.

They listened with Mr. Carlyle while Elvira and Elija's lawyer went over the case and their claims. Idina was shocked yet not surprised to see that Erika's biological parents were the two long grey-haired people who had been staring at her during Kirsten's party. She did not have a way to prove it, sadly, for showing that they had crashed a party to see Erika would not look good on them.

Their lawyer must have been as expensive as hell because she was good. She had drawn points and conjectures from their arguments that neither them, Snow, Florence, nor Carlyle had expected. She made them look like saints ready to save Erika from the horrors of money and celebrity life. She did however do not mention that the Rivera's had abandoner her in the first place, and she would not need saving if it had not been for them.

Their lawyer piled everything on, saying stuff no one should say about a mother nor a pregnant woman, especially to her face, but putting it so sweetly only Idina saw the malicious intent.

Then Carlyle went, presenting their side of the case. Aaron and Idina squeezed each others' hands as a break were called for the jury to discuss. If this went to trial, it would be an all-out war. If it did not, Erika was theirs. They had countered the Rivera's out of court settlement with a similar agreement. It went away the second this went to trial. So, they would have a few days to mull it over before the verdict came.

Idina and Aaron were doing everything to prove they were Erika's best option. They did not really like it, but Erika was more likely to say yes to something if they told her it would look better for the case. They had gotten her into inline slalom rollerblade classes that way. She was enjoying it though and if she stayed on the teacher's good side, she could get a job there helping with the younger kids, which again would be another point in their favour. Erika was not keen on them being entitled to visitation, but Snow had convinced her that it was better than leaving. She might not say it aloud, but Erika wanted to stay with them, and they could not be happier.

They left the courtroom and had to go their separate ways, him to work and her to visit her therapist. She was stressed and she wanted to keep her stress levels down. Angelika was giving her coping mechanisms. There was her diary, which was now more of a record of her episodes and useless song lyrics all mixed. She also had Idina practice calming breathing and taking moments to herself, which seemed silly because Aaron could tell her that and it never worked unless he was in the room but she tried it anyway. Angelika said her attitude was the problem and Idina argued that unless the therapist had a cure for hormones her attitude was here to stay. Then she apologized for getting out of hand. Either way, she came back after every session feeling like she has this, and she could deal with what was going on. It was what Idina needed right now.

Idina went home and changed, then climbed into the pool. She laid down on some pool noodles and relieved the pressure from her feet and lower back. The twins were assaulting her. She could see little feet make dents in her skin. She put her hand right over where the larger one was kicking and smiled as she felt his feet squish her skin against her palm. She felt like she knew them already, who was going to be who and all that stuff. Aaron said they should name the first kid one thing and the second the other, but she knew that was not how they were going to do it. The twins already had personalities and Idina was not going to stick them with the wrong names. Besides, they get sixty days to name them, so they have two months to learn who is who. 

When she was starting to prune, Idina got out, dried off, and started replying to emails when her hand started to spasm.

 _Stay calm_ , she told herself. There was no use fighting it. Her hand cramped as her fingers twitched and she gritted her teeth, taking deep breaths. It subsided and she went to her journal and wrote down the date and time. They were almost always in her left hand. She had had seven so far. There had been some while she had been in recovery before they knew the damage was permanent, but she had brushed it off. She should not have.

In a few weeks, she had a press screening of her animated indie film entitled _Eyes of Mine Own_. It was an animated idea film about twins, a boy, and a girl, navigating life in a magical realism world. It was about found family. She played both twins, an idea that had seemed crazy at first but made sense once she had seen more of the project. She had

“yet to see the full film.

Idina had already decided that Walker and Erika could come. Walker was begging to come, and she wanted Erika to come because she wanted people to see the four of them publicly as a family. The movie was set to be released in July after the twins came. They were doing the preliminary press a bit early to allow Idina some time to herself when the babies came.

She was so fat and not keen on dressing up nicely. But she wanted to put forward a strong front. We are a family, she wanted it to be known. Erika too. All four of them; soon to be six.

* * *

"Mom," Walker complained one morning. "Hurry up!" He was going to be late for basketball practise before school.

"I'm coming pumpkin," she said as she slipped on some shoes and grabbed the car keys.

"Do you have to wear that?" he asked in a huff when he saw what she was wearing.

"What?" she asked, looking herself over. There were no stains on her clothes, and she was not smelly. She was wearing dark grey sweatpants and a white stretchy shirt that was barely covering her eight-month baby bump. Nothing covered her bump.

"You slept in those pants mom," he informed her. "You're embarrassing, can't you change before you drop me off?"

"No one will know, Walk," she said sternly as she led him out the door. "They're clean."

"You're humiliating me. At least stay in the car."

"I have to drop you off," she said. "If you cannot be respectful, you don't have to go. Basketball is a privilege, not a right. There are a lot of kids who would love to go, even if their mom wore the pants that she slept in," she scolded.

"Why can't you change and sleep in pyjamas like a normal person?" he huffed as he climbed into the passenger seat. "Everyone else's mom does that."

"I'm pregnant."

"That's not an excuse. You did it before you were pregnant. If you just started, then maybe, but you're just lazy."

"Walker Nathaniel Diggs you take that back right now or I will turn this car around right now, do you hear me?" she said, slamming on the breaks as they reached a stop sign. She was not going to tolerate this. They were getting to a fight almost every morning and she had to put her foot down sometime before it got out of control.

"I hate you," he said, crossing his arms. "You ruined my life. Dad too. I hate you both. And Aaron. I hate everyone. I hope you and Aaron get divorced too."

"Walker!" she exclaimed. "Last chance bud or I'm taking you home and you can get on the bus like everyone else."

There were no cars around, so she stayed at the stop sign, waiting for her son to make up his mind and trying not to blow up at him. She needed another venting session with Aaron. Walker was going to have some extra appointments with Snow. She did not want to turn therapy into a punishment, but he was still mad at everything that had happened with Taye form the divorce to the blackmailer to what had happened in December.

"I'm not sorry. I mean it." The malice was gone form his voice. It was just her little boy again.

Idina took a deep breath. "Why, Walk?" she asked softly. "Why do you want us to get divorced? Do you not like Aaron?"

"I already told you I hate him!" Walker snapped. "And I hate that you keep on pretending like everything is fine now that you married Aaron. That is all you ever talk about. How good everything is now. It is not good. What about me? You are replacing me with those two things. You see dad every time you look at me and you hate me, and I hate you too."

"Walker, that's not true. I am not replacing you. I love you so much, Walk, baby, I do," she said, reaching over to take his hand. He stopped her and looked out the window, arms crossed. "Walk, I love Aaron, yes, and he makes me happy. I know things are not perfect. Not with you or with Erika. I want them to be. I like to pretend that they are because it helps me. But I see now that was the wrong choice. You are right, I was not thinking of you, I was thinking about what I needed. I am still your mother and I always will be; nothing will change that. I love you Walk. Aaron loves you. You are going to have two younger brothers who will look up to you too. You will be their hero. I do not see Taye when I look at you, and I am sorry if I made you think that. Yes, you look like him. All the good parts. You look like me too. It is genetics. It is creepy if you think about it too much. I know I have not been there for you, but if you ever want to talk, I am here. Keeping things in never helped anyone."

"Dad said I should talk," he whispered. "in his letter. I don't want to become like him, but I don't want to talk."

"You won't be like him, Walk," she comforted. She wished she could reach out for him, but they were in a car and she was a blimp. A van was coming up behind her, so she started driving towards the school as she continued. "You are so loving and kind. And you know now why drinking too much is bad. I trust you; you will not do it. When you are ready to talk to someone, I am here. So is Aaron and Dr. Snow. You could try talking to Erika too. She knows a bit about what you are going through."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah Walk, she's had a really rough life. That is why she has the night terrors, just like I do."

"Because someone beat her up?'

"I'm not sure," Idina admitted as she pulled into the parking lot. She was not. She knew about the knife fight and her injuries, but she was still missing so many details. "But she has been through a lot. A lot of different houses with a lot of very mean people. She doesn't like to talk about it either, so maybe you two can just talk about how much you hate Aaron and me for being so pushy."

"Worse than what happened at the restaurant with Aunt Cara?"

"Yeah, I think the nicest people she's known treated her like that."

"Oh," he said. "I didn't realize."

"No one expected you too. You should not have to know about how ugly the world is at ten, but you do, and I am sorry I could not protect you from it. And I am sorry that I was pretending as if everything is fine when it's not."

"I don't want you to get divorced," he said. "I remember a bit from when you and dad were still married, and it makes me sad. I remember that you used to crawl into my bed when you thought I was asleep and cry sometimes and tell me you loved me but could not do this anymore. I always pretended to be asleep because I did not want you to go. And then you went," he said. There was a pause. "It wasn't just cheating though. Wasn't that after you separated? What happened before?"

Idina was close to tears. "Honestly Walk, we fell out of love. Whatever we had way back when was gone and we were both trying to bring it back. I do not know how to explain it. I do not think I understand what happened. I wish I could tell you, but I can't."

"That's okay mom," he said solemnly. "I'm sorry I got mad about the pants. Can I go to practice now?"

Idina nodded. "Good luck Walker. I love you. I am here for you."

He said bye and got out of the car, grabbing his bag from the back seat. Idina blew him a kiss as he left.

Idina sat in the parking lot and cried for a good ten minutes before going home. When she got back, Aaron and Erika were halfway through their pancakes. Idina ate the ones they had put aside for her silently. She told everyone she loved them and went to her room.

After Erika caught the bus, Aaron called in sick and spent the rest of the day with her, laying on the bed and listening to her talk and vent. He would be leaving soon for a conference. Two weeks after the movie press premiere. What was she going to do for a week without him? And with her mother to boot? Helen was coming the day after the press release. She soaked him up while she had him.

* * *

The verdict was in. They were going to trial. Idina tried to ignore that fact as she tried on another dress. They were supposed to be made for pregnant women, but some she could barely get her bump in and others were clearly meant for the obese, not pregnant, as they were too big everywhere and too small where she needed it. None of them looked good on her. Even Aaron had to admit a few of them were atrocious, a complete disaster.

She had none of the dresses she had worn with Walker, though none of them would fit her anyway. They could always get something tailored, but she did not want to have to deal with that hassle on top of everything else.

Aaron handed her a magenta dress. It was not form-fitting, designed to fall loose, in the size XXL. He also handed her one in XXXL.

"Thanks, honey," she deadpanned as she read the labels. She rolled her eyes and went back behind the curtain.

"The colour's nice," Erika called from where she was sitting in the fitting room.

Idina had dragged bother her and Walker along too. They had already gotten a tuxedo for Walker and had to bribe him to stop him from wearing it out of the store. He was going to be a heartbreaker for sure. He looked so smart in the black and blue suit he had chosen, along with the hat Idina had picked out. Aaron was just going to wear an older black tuxedo and Erika said she would pull one of the nicer dresses out of her closet, though Idina was still trying to get her to try a few things on.

The XXL fit odd, somewhat tight around her bump in an unflattering way, so she tried the larger size. It was not bad. From the front, she just looked a bit boxy. She turned to the side. She looked a bit less pregnant and a bit less like a proportioned human, but it was the best thing she had tried on so far. It was a short off the shoulder dress with lacing around the neckline and bottom hem that hung a few inches above her knees. It was a bit stiff, but Idina liked it.

She came out and the look of relief on Aaron's face said it all. 

"Does it come in red?" Idina asked one of the store clerks.

"No," the clerk replied. "It comes in teal, cerulean, admiral, Alice-blue, antique white, peal-white, fern, magenta, emerald, eggplant, violet, sienna, and crimson."

"Could I see a few of them?" she asked. She had a ton of pictures of her in magenta on her website, but the colour was a bit too bold for her right now. "Whatever you have in XXXL."

The girl nodded and went to a back room and came out with five more. "We don't have crimson in XXXL," she said apologetically. "But we have these."

Idina said no to the antique white right away. It looked dirty. It was an ugly colour. The Alice-blue was nice and not bold, unlike the emerald. She said no to sienna as well, an orange-ish colour that was making her think of vomit now, even though it was kind of lovely. The last one was cerulean. 

She got out Walker's tuxedo and help them up against each other.

"No!" Walker said when he saw. "No matching mom."

"We all have to look good together pumpkin," she told him. "If one of us sticks out like a sore thumb we'll all look bad."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine. You're still embarrassing sometimes." God, he was sassy when he wanted to be. He was picking up on all her bad habits. At least he was not swearing like a sailor; yet. He went back to whatever game he was playing on his phone.

Idina went in to try the cerulean dress on. It looked a bit better on her than the magnolia one did. The colour probably worked better with the lighting in the shop.

"I think that's it, Dee," Aaron said when she came out. Erika nodded. 

"You don't look _terrible_ ," Walker said. 

"Thanks, bud," Idina joked. "You are so helpful."

"Shopping is stupid," he replied without looking up.

"With you on that," she agreed. 

"Unless it's for shoes. Can I get new shoes?"

"Maybe, and only maybe, but you have to behave."

"Fine," he huffed. 

Idina turned to Erika. "Are you sure you don't want anything?"

"I'm okay," she said. "You got me a lot of stuff I've never worn before, so it seems counterproductive to buy another dress." 

Idina shrugged. Erika was right. There was something in there that would work, Idina was sure of it. She told Erika to let them know if she changed her mind before she changed out of the dress. They paid for it and left.

They stopped by a shoe store for Walker since he had been pretty well behaved and spent an hour and a half there as he tried on almost every pair with his little tuxedo. Idina silently wished Taye was here for him. Taye loved doing this sort of stuff with him, but Taye had made his bed and now he had to sleep in it. Erika sat quietly in a corner while Walker did his fashion show. He was going to be the attention hog at the premiere for sure. Idina smiled and held Aaron's hand before Walker finally decided on a pair. Idina made him buy it a size too large so that he would not grow out of it tomorrow. 

As they were leaving, she got a text from Carlyle. He had something on the Rivera's that would help Idina and Aaron in case. They had a five-year-old son. He was unsure if the son was adopted or biological. It changed everything.

* * *

Erika was working on an essay in her room. She was sitting on her couch with her laptop on her stomach. Idina kept telling it was bad for her back, but she did not care. An ankle-length white dress with a light rose print was resting on her closet door. It was what she was going to wear to the movie press release. Aaron had helped her pick it out. 

She heard a knock on her opened door and looked over to see Walker. She smiled and invited him in, moving over so that he could sit down beside her. He closed the door when he came in.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked timidly. "I can't sleep," he said. "Mommy and Aaron are sleeping."

“Sure,” she said with a smile. “What’s wrong?”

“Can’t sleep,” he repeated.

“Have you tried taking some melatonin?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I’m having bad dreams.”

“It might help,” she replied. “Helps me with my bad dreams.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she admitted. It turned her terrors into nightmares. Stopped the screaming fits so she just woke up feeling uneasy. And on nights where she would have just had a bad dream, she had nothing. And she always got a good night’s sleep. She knew Idina was trying it too, but she was worried the magnesium she took it would knock her out cold. The magnesium only ever helped Erika aching muscles, though it never made her feel tired. It knocked Aaron out like a light. “What are you dreaming about?” she asked.

“Dad,” he replied.

Erika was not sure how to respond. “Want to tell me about it?” she asked carefully.

He nodded cautiously. “I thought he killed mom,” he said, staring at his knees. “When she stopped screaming before the doctors came. Aaron was not letting me see anything and I thought she was dead. And I do not get night terrors as you guys do, but I still get a bad dream sometimes.”

She was silent for a moment. She knew exactly how he felt. Maybe more than he did. “I think I know how you feel,” she said.

“Your parents are alive,” he replied softly. “How? Is that why you have bad dreams?”

“Yeah,” she admitted with a slight nod. Her heart was racing. She had told Snow a bit. Walker was younger than she was. She did not ever want him to feel the way she had, the way she still does. “I had someone once, probably the only real family I ever had,” she started. “I was in a group home. They basically stick a bunch of kids together and give you food twice a day. It is a man eat man world. People fight all the time, steal things, all that nasty stuff. I am pretty sure half of the older kids were high or drunk or both. It is the type of place where if they only way you know someone isn’t going to steal your food is after you eat it, and even then someone might make it come back up just for fun. I had a job, the person got it for me, at a hotel. Had that silly black and white maid costume and everything. But it meant I was making money and I could buy myself a snack at the cafeteria if I were feeling dizzy at lunch. It also meant I had a bank card. Since it was new, it had the tap feature, so someone could use it without knowing the pin. A group of guys decided they wanted it, but I kept it hidden. One day they decided they were going to take it from me, and she got in the way. They killed her and I just stood there like an idiot. Turns out they had knives too. Before I knew it, everyone was injured, and she was dead.”

“Oh,” he said. “I thought I was your family.”

She was stunned. That was not the takeaway she had been expecting. “You are,” she said, even though she was not entirely convinced herself. She blocked off those feelings a long time ago and she was certain they were never coming back. There would always be a disconnect between her and the world.

“Who was she?”

“Just someone. It’s hard for me to talk about,” she said.

“So, you dream about that?”

She nodded.

“I dream about mom. Most of the time she is dead. Aaron doesn’t know but I was able to sneak a look when she stopped making noise and she wasn’t moving either and there was…”

“Lots of blood?” she said, “More than in the movies. And it smelled like blood too.”

“Mhmm,” he agreed. “I know it’s not as bad as what you said, but I can’t sleep. How did you start falling asleep?”

“I don’t know. I think at some point you just must sleep. Your body forces you too.”

He hugged her. She stiffened for a moment, then softened to it and hugged him back. “I don’t get why he did it. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Drunk people don’t make sense,” she said. “I’ve seen a lot of them. Most of them are mad at the world or at themselves. That’s understandable. When they become drunk, they become other people and it makes your brain go all fuzzy so suddenly people will do things no one can explain. Like you and I, we know that hurting someone is wrong, but if we're drunk, we might not think that and then actually do it because we would not be able to stop ourselves.”

“I think I understand,” he said. He looked up at her. “But I also wish I could have done something. Aaron just pulled me away.”

“He kept you safe. I tried to do something,” she said. “I got my chest sliced open.”

“Really?” he asked with tad too much excitement.

“I have a scar too,” she told him. She rolled up her shirt to show him the lower bit of it.

He touched it. “It’s not a very nice scar.”

“It wasn’t a very nice cut,” she said. “And it got infected, so that made everything worse. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing I could do either. They were taller and stronger than me. The fact that only one person died is a miracle. Sometimes I just wish it had been me because it is not like I am worth anything. She had a college scholarship and a life and all the good stuff.” She paused, realizing what she had just said. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” _Don’t tell your mom and get me thrown out, not now. Please._

“I wish he’d never hurt mommy and I wish it had been me too,” he said. “I’m the man. I am supposed to protect mom. Erika?”

“Yeah?”

“If you had died no one would have saved me from the bus.”

She sighed. He was right. “Someone would have,” she said even though it was statistically not true. There more people there in the room the more likely it was that someone would wait for someone else to act. Then it would be too late by the time anyone realized that no one was doing anything. “And you do not have to be the man, Walk. You are ten. Just be a ten-year-old. You are incredibly lucky that you get to be ten. A lot of people don’t.”

“Did you get to be ten?”

“No,” she said truthfully.

“Then how do you know I’m not being ten right now?” he argued.

She shrugged. “I guess I don’t. But being the man of the house is not being ten, I know that.”

“What do you think of the twins?” he asked. “I’m worried Aaron might like them more than me.”

“You once told me biological family doesn’t make someone your real family. I don’t think Aaron will like them more.”

“Everyone has a favourite. I like mom more. I think you like Aaron more because mom’s always sick.”

“People are closer to different people, it doesn’t change how much they love you,” she said, wondering if it was true. “I don’t think he’ll change because of the twins,” she said. “Everything will change. Babies cry a lot and they will need a lot of attention for a year or two or else they will die. But it does not mean he likes anyone more.”

“He does want to adopt you…” Walker said. “Do you think he’d want to adopt me?”

“Hm?”

“I wrote another letter to dad, I’m not sure why, but he said if I wanted Aaron to adopt me, he’d sign all the paper so he could.”

“I think he would, he adores you. Just like I do,” she smiled and booped his nose. “That’s up to you.”

“How did you know you wanted to stay here and not with your parents.”

“They left me when I was month old. I don’t even know what they look like,” she said. “It’s not a very hard decision though it may have been made more out of anger and resentment. I cannot help you here. It’s a different situation.”

“Oh,” he said. “Why?”

“I have no idea.”

“Do you think dad loves me?”

“He wouldn’t be in rehab if he didn’t,” she replied instantly.

Walker nodded again. “I’m going to think about it more,” he decided. “Sorry for keeping you up.”

“I was writing an essay, I’d be up anyway,” she told him.

He hugged her again. “I like you; will you be my big sister?” he asked.

“Of course,” she said. “As long as you want to be my younger brother.”

“Can we have a secret?”

“Yes.”

“Can I be your favourite younger brother, but just in secret though? Like you can tell the twins you like all of us, but I want to be the favourite. It is only fair. I knew you first.”

“Sure Walk,” she said with a chuckle. “We’ll be a lot older than them anyways. I’m pretty sure it’ll be them against us when they get old enough to form their own alliance.”

“Pinky swear?” he asked, holding out his pinkie.

“Pinky swear,” she said, shaking it and looking him in the eyes.

“I hope your parents don’t take you away,” he said. “You’re my sister now.”

Erika smiled and sent him off to bed after giving him some of the melatonin that she kept her bedside.


	58. Chapter 58

Idina smiled as she looked out the window. Walker and Erika were playing basketball, with a catch: they were both wearing roller skates. It made them evenly matched. Erika could barely handle the ball and her technique was awful, but she could move on those wheeled shoes like a professional ice skater on ice. She had never taken them to a roller-skating rink, she realized.

Aaron came up behind her with a warm cup of coffee. He handed it to her and wrapped his arms around her, a fruitless effort as her circumference outdid the length of his arms. He kissed her cheek.

"How are you today?" he asked.

"Sexually frustrated," she told him.

"Oh?" he asked, shocked. He had not been expecting that. She had not either, but it was the first thing that came to her mind.

"My hormones are whack and we're not doing anything, and I can't do anything to myself because I can't reach, and I haven't shaved in months and it's uncomfortable."

"Oh," was all he said.

"Angelika thinks that's why I'm grumpy."

"Oh."

"Will you stop saying that?"

"You are grumpy," he observed.

"I'm eight months pregnant with _your_ twins. And do not get any ideas if you put your hands down there, I am breaking your fingers. And anything else you try." She broke free from him and went out to the patio, where she sat down on the couch and put her feet up. Aaron sat down beside him, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm actually really mad at you for having a working reproductive system. We were just supposed to pretend to try, love. Not actually get your nearly fifty-year-old wife pregnant. We are going to be stuck with them for eighteen years. I will be in my seventies by the time they leave. This was a bad idea. Why didn't you stop me? You're the smart one."

"I wanted it too."

"I didn't," she snapped. "I wanted to make you happy not to get pregnant. There's a difference."

"Drink your coffee, Dee," he said, hiding his amusement at her flushed cheeks. She was cute when she was flustered and mad and hormonal.

She stood up and threw it at him.

"Idina!" he shouted as she stormed inside. He pulled off his shirt. It was hot enough to make his skin red and tingly. At least she had missed his crotch.

He followed her inside.

"What on earth what that?" he asked in a raised voice.

"Was what?"

"You threw boiling coffee at me? What the hell?" He got closer to her.

"I never said I wanted a cup of coffee!" she said, her voice raised too. She got right up in his face.

"That's not a reason to throw it at someone."

"Then shut up. Your voice is annoying," she spat.

"What's gotten into you today?" he huffed, taking a step back and crossing his arms.

"I'm pregnant," she said, drawing out the word like as if he were dumb and that would help him understand.

"That's not an excuse." He took a calming breath, remembering his promise never to yell at her. "What's wrong baby?" he asked.

"I'm not your baby. I'm a grown adult."

"You're acting like a child," he muttered under his breath. She had mood swings before, but not this bad. He tried not to think that it was the brain damage. It was all hormones. She was about to pop. All hormones.

"What?" she asked. "Speak up so I know why I'm mad at you."

"You're acting like a child," he growled making her recoil.

"If you can't handle a child how are you going to handle two crying babies Mr. I'll-be-the-stay-at-home?" she spat, still taking a few steps back. Her face was stone cold. Her arms were crossed. She was a level of livid he had not seen before. "Huh? How will you? I told you I am not looking after them. They are your problem. You're lucky I'm carrying them for you."

"I'll handle it," he said calmly, reaching out for her and trying to deescalate the situation. He was suddenly back in therapist mode, trying to deal with a difficult client. "Dee, I can handle it. I can handle you."

"I don't need to be handled!" She was close to shouting.

"You're right," he sighed.

"Don't back down now," she taunted. "Come on, tell me what you really think. Think I cannot handle it? Cannot handle it without turning myself into a situation that you need to deal with? You do not have to deal with me. Unless that is why you married me. Someone you can deal with and manipulate with your psychology masters. A meal ticket? Look at all this stuff. Can you even afford to clean that shirt you threw on the floor?"

"Where is this coming from?" he asked, completely lost. Everything was fine last night. They had had another scan yesterday. They were three weeks away. He knew she did not want him to go to the conference, but they had known about this for a while and had made arrangements. They had already talked it out.

Just the hormones, Aaron reminded himself. He could not understand what it was like having them raging through his body and to be in constant pain and discomfort. They were probably spiking and going crazy right now. She was having hot and cold flashes. Not to mentioned she had had an extensive seizure test yesterday to make sure the camera flashes would not trigger one. It had left her grumpy and with a headache, but some cuddle time with the kids (who were getting along better than ever) and a cozy night in had made it better. Or so he thought.

Idina shrieked and buckled over.

"Dee?" he asked, going to her side. She tried to shove him off, but she gasped again and clutched her stomach.

"Leave me alone," she growled through the pain.

"Are they coming?" he asked, his lips betraying him with a hopeful smile.

"No," she huffed. "Stupid contractions." She sighed as it subsided. "They're going to get a whole lot worse, yay me!" she deadpanned. She pushed him off. "Wipe that idiotic grin off your face or I will do it for you."

That just made him grin more.

"I said stop it," she growled, and he instantly stopped. It was not funny anymore. She was seriously mad at him. The last time she was this mad Walker had been six and broken tens of thousands of dollars worth of someone else's stuff in a tantrum after being told multiple times to stop. Needless to say, Idina owed a debt to that producer for not firing her or suing her into oblivion and scandal.

"What are you trying to do, Dee?" he asked softly. He wanted to know her endgame. If she was picking a fight to fight or if she were having some complex feeling she could not process. It was harder for her to process stuff sometimes. If he knew what was wrong, he could help. That is all he wanted to do, help. He wished to his bone marrow that he could heal her, emotionally, physically, remove all the scars, fix her brain injury. Heal her outside and in. He wanted to be her everything, but he knew that was impossible.

"Nothing," she said in defeat. "Don't," she warned as he took a step closer. "I'm still pissed."

"Fine," he said, raising both hands in surrender.

"I hate you," she spat again, sitting down, and turning away from him.

"Why baby?" he asked, coming forward. "Did you get some bad news?" he asked. She was getting lots of news, all the time. Form their lawyer, from her doctors.

"Leave me alone," she growled again, turning to him in a wild frenzy.

"What's the bad news?" he asked softly, taking her by the wrists and slowly lowering them to her sides. "What's wrong love?"

"Nothing," she said. "I'm just really mad at you right now. You are a pain in the ass, and you think it is cute and I want to throw something at your face. Put a bloody shirt on. No one wants to see you shirtless."

"Come on, you can tell me anything."

"Why do you think something's wrong? Are you really so hard-headed that you can't see that you're the problem?"

"How do I fix it?"

She huffed and broke her hand free from him. "You can start by being less annoying. Oh, stop it!" she said, looking down at her stomach. "Just stop assaulting for one second. If you were not inside me, they'd lock you up for assaulting a pregnant woman." She huffed and glared at her stomach with a glare that always got Walker to do whatever he was told. "It's not working," she muttered in exasperation.

"Dee, this isn't good for the babies," he said firmly. "You're stressing—"

"I'm not stressed," she hissed. "I'm glowing with maternal love."

"You are, or if you're not stressed you are stressing your body. Neither of which is good for them."

"What do you know about it?" she snapped. "You're not the one carrying them. You have not read all the books, gone to every single appointment. You do not have to feel them every single day. You did not get a fucking brain injury because you were trying to protect them from your crazy ex! You had one orgasm. That is it. You have not been through all the trial and error I have been through. You have no idea what's good and what's bad." When she was done, she sighed in relief, suddenly lighter.

Aaron tenderly reached out for Idina. She shuttered at his gentle touch as he pulled her to him. "You are right," he said, rocking her back and forth. "I have no idea how hard this is on you." He kissed her temple. "That's why you are so amazing and why I love you so much." He rocked her for a few more minutes. "Did you sleep last night?" he asked.

"I tried, but I couldn't," she replied.

"Why," he asked gently and tenderly, planting another kiss on her forehead.

"Well, a lot was going on in my head. Our next court date is just two weeks after their due date, but I do not want to push it further I just want this over with. And normally the twins do not sleep when we do and they have a nice fit at 11, but that did not happen. And then there was not one all night and I was just waiting for it. Then I got it and I peed myself because one of them thought it would be funny to punch my bladder and I think my spleen is bruised." She sighed. "I know they're supposed to rest a bit more, settle, or whatever it's called when they're ready to come, but it scared me."

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I'm not rational. I have a brain injury. And I am pregnant. I just threw coffee at you because I was mad you opened your mouth."

"It's okay, I'm not hurt," he said. He did not tell her to talk to him or anything like that. He just held her.

"I'm going to pee again," she said, jumping up and rushing to the bathroom.

Then she swore. Aaron saw a trickle of liquid rush down her inner leg. Idina swore again and walked to the bathroom. He followed her and closed the door behind him in case the kids came inside for a snack. There were tears in her eyes as she peeled her ripped jeans off and held them out in disgust.

"It's okay Dee," Aaron said.

"No, it's not," she huffed. "I'm forty-eight, I should be able to hold my bladder. I have been peeing myself since I was forty. Ask Joby if you do not believe me. Now you have to clean up after me too. Maybe you should just sign me into a home while you are at it. No bladder control, memory loss, twitching. Those are granny needs to go symptoms."

"Stay here," he said. "I'll get you a change of clothes. If you want some help, I will help, 'kay? I still love you, babe."

She looked up at him lovingly and his heart melted in all the good ways. "I don't know what you see in me, but I'm glad you see something."

"You're carrying my children," he said. "I'm literally inside you. I'm a narcissist, by the way, love," he joked and winked as he took her pants and underwear from her.

They did not talk much for the rest of the day and Aaron was slightly shocked when she crawled into bed with him, not opting for one of the two remaining guest rooms on the other floors or kicking him out. She had been passive-aggressive and irritable all day, but she had not thrown any more hot beverages at people and opted to spent time with the children over him.

Idina curled up with her body pillow, back to him.

"Still mad?" he asked gently.

"Mhmm," she replied, groggy. "I told you not to get the green one."

"What?" he asked.

"The green one Taye, is that so hard to remember? Don't buy the green one," she muttered. "It's disgusting." 

Aaron got out of the bed. He needed to get her letter and present it to her gently. He did not want to scare her.

"Where are you going honey?" she asked. 

"Dee," he said softly. "Memory issues," he muttered. "I'm looking for something, give me a sec babe." He went through her purse on the couch.

"You sound different-" _click._ Alight went one. "Babe? Who are you!"

Aaron pulled out the letter. "I'm me, Dee, I'm your husband," he said, not approaching. He pointed at a picture of them at the bedside, just for this occasion. "I don't want to scare you. You are having a memory lapse. Everything will be okay."

Idina was panicking. He could see it in her wide eyes. She looked over to the picture, then back up at him and shook her head. 

"Where am I?" she demanded. 

"Dee, you're at our house," he said. "Please calm down, it's not good for the babies."

She looked down at her stomach and screamed.

"Mom?" Walker was at the door in an instant. "Mom, are you okay?"

Idina's face when placid for a moment as she studied Walker, no signs of recognition appearing. Her lapses were getting worse. Despite everything they tried to tell themselves, they were. She needed to be put on some medication, even if it was a trial, as soon as the children came. They could use formula. Formula would not hurt them as much as having a mother who was not sound.

"W-Walk?" she stuttered.

"Mom?" he asked again. "Mom, it's me." He took a few steps forward. 

Every muscle in Aaron's body was tense as Walker made his way towards the bed. Idina was frozen too, but there was a spark in her eyes that gave Aaron hope. 

"You're so old," she muttered, touching his face.

"I'm ten," he said. "I'm not old."

Idina looked up at Aaron, concerned.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"I-Ummm, no," she said, pulling Walker closer to her. "Who are you?"

"That's Aaron," Walker said. "You married him remember? You love him. Movie _love_ love and you do the grown-up kissing things and sex," he informed her. "And he put the babies inside you, only he put one and you made it two for some reason."

Idina put her head in her hands and shook her head. "No, I don't remember," she said. She picked up the picture form the bedside. "Who's the girl?" she asked.

"That's Erika," Walker said. "You want to adopt her. She is my big sister."

Idina started crying. "I don't know any of it," she said. 

Walker hugged her and Aaron approached cautiously. He slowly sat down on her other side. 

"It's okay, Dee," he said softly. "It'll come back. You had a stressful day. You'll be better in the morning." He waited for a second, then extended a hand to rub her back. She went stiff for a moment, then melted into in, leaning on him. He pulled her into a hug. "It's okay, Chickadee," he said. 

"Yeah mom," Walker said. "It's okay. We love you." Idina still had an arm around him and he nestled close to the two of them.

"Will it get better?" Idina asked, her tears drying up. "It's scary. I don't want to wake up every day scared because I don't know who you are."

"Yes," he said. "It'll all be better in the morning. When the twins come there are some medications they can give you that might help."

She inhaled sharply, her hand going to her stomach. "They're vicious little ones, aren't they?" she asked. 

"Sometimes we can see their feet making an indent in your bump," he said. "We're going have two large, happy boys," he told her. "Won't that be nice?"

"Maybe," she muttered. "If I could remember them. And I do not want large babies. They have to come out, you know."

"I'll help you, mom," Walker said. "I'll help you get the babies out."

Idina chuckled. "You're going to help by staying far away. You do not need to see the 'miracle' of birth just yet. It was too much for your daddy, you know. He had to take breaks. I wish I could have taken a break."

"How long was it?" he asked.

"Eight hours. You were pretty quick, I was lucky."

"Eight hours?" he asked in alarm.

"Like I said, pretty quick."

"Aaron, you're not allowed to do sex to mommy anymore if she gets pregnant," he informed his stepfather. "She's always sick and in pain. You're awful," he said.

"Idina and I chose to do this together," Aaron told him. "She knew what was involved."

"I can safely say I do not remember making any agreement on having more children," Idina said. "I also don't remember the conception, ultrasound, pregnancy test or anything else. And who told Walker about sex?"

"We did."

"He's too young."

"Kristen told Lincoln and Delta and they're younger than me," he said.

"Kristin told who?"

"Her children?" Aaron offered. "With Dax."

"Kristin doesn't have kids," Idina said. "Isn't she a runaway bride?"

"Krist _en_ Bell," Aaron clarified. "You're thinking of Krist _in_ Chenoweth."

"Who's Bell?" she asked through a yawn.

"I promise Dee, you'll remember tomorrow. You always do, why stop now? Please, come to sleep. I'll move to a different room if it makes you more comfortable." He did not tell her she had a press screening tomorrow or any of the big things she had forgotten about. She would remember and then everything would go back to normal. Stuff always happened when she was stressed and tired. She was both now. “It gets worse when you’re stressed and tired,” he said as she yawned again. He rubbed her back.

“I can tell you love me,” she mumbled to no one particular.

“We do, Dee,” he said. “Everyone does and everyone’s here for you.”

Walker yawned and Idina told him to go to bed. He went without complaint.

“My back hurts,” she told him, looking up at him with big pleading eyes, still puffy from crying.

“Want a massage?” he asked.

She nodded. “If it will make it feel any better.”

“It will, I learnt from you.” He positioned himself behind her and started kneading at her back. She groaned as he got the first few knots out. “All good?” he asked when he was done.

“Yeah,” she said. “We got married here?” she asked.

“Yes,” Aaron said with excitement.

“I think I remember a bit,” she said.

“That’s amazing,” he replied. “Now lay down,” he directed, tucking her in and helping her adjust the pregnancy pillow. He knew exactly how she liked it. “I’ll go to another room,” he said. “I don’t expect you to want to fall asleep beside a stranger, it’s not fair to you.” He got up.

“No,” she said, grabbing his hand. “Stay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she replied. “Stay. I can tell you love and respect me and I can feel deep down inside I feel the same way. I just do not remember it. I don’t want to be alone anyway.”

“Okay,” he agreed, walking around the bed, and crawling on the other side. He stayed as close to the side as he could, giving Idina all the space she needed.

“You can come closer,” she said with a laugh.

He came a bit closer.

“Closer,” Idina said again and they kept it up until they were cuddling. Idina made soft happy noises as he wrapped her up like a burrito. “Aaron?” she asked. “What’s wrong with my head? What happened?”

“You got hurt,” he said. “Trauma to the head. There was lots of swelling. Luckily, no clots. Some of the damage never healed and the doctors do not think it will. I am sorry I did not protect you. I should have, but I was too scared to do anything. I’m just so glad you’re alive, you have no idea.”

“That’s not telling me what happened,” she informed him then yawned again. She pulled him and she sheets closer. “I’m cold,” she mumbled. “I didn’t do it to myself, did I?” she asked. She sounded scared and small.

“No, Dee, it was not your fault. Not your fault at all.” He took a risk and kissed the back of her head. She did nothing. “I promise Dee, it wasn’t.”

“Then what happened? Was it a car crash?”

“No.”

“Skiing accident?”

“No.”

“What then?”

“I don’t want to tell you,” he admitted. “I know, you know, or you will. It is not nice. I do not want to burden you with it. Not after today. Please just go to sleep. There’s some magnesium or melatonin if you can’t.”

“What if I don’t remember you tomorrow?” she asked.

“You will,” he told her. “And if you do not, then I’ll tell you what I told you tonight and we’ll work through like we always do. But you won’t.”

She pulled his arm closer again so that they were pressed up against each other. He could feel her still shivering. He offered to get another blanket even though he was sweating, but she said she did not want him to move. He did his best to pull and fold the blankets up around her and make her warm. He knew she had fallen asleep when she started making cute, short whimpers with a smile on her face. She was having a good dream. He kissed her shoulder and turned off the light

~

Idina woke up, sweating, and with a splitting headache. She was bundled up like a burrito and she was tenting in winter. Aaron’s strong arms were around her and his face was in her hair, his nose brushing her neck. She could feel his breath down her back.

She felt odd. Yesterday was… fuzzy. Had she had an episode? She raked her brain, trying to piece yesterday together. She remembered being very mad at Aaron for something and judging by her recollection it was probably not justified. It was all coming back slowly.

Idina reached out to the water glass on her bedside table, shivering as she broke her seal and cold air flowed in under the covers.

“Mmmnhh, Deeeee,” Aaron moaned, his breath tickling her. He pulled her closer and she smiled, leaning back down against the bed. “I love you,” he mumbled, fumbling over the words, and drawing them out. It sounded like he was sleep talking. He buried his face in her shoulder and kissed her, making her smile.

She took his hand and leaned back more. His hand went to her bump and rubbed it. One of the twins started kicking and soon the other one start.

“Thanks,” she muttered. “You woke them up.”

He kissed her shoulder again. “I love you,” he said again.

“I love you too,” she said. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I am sorry for throwing coffee at you. That was not fair.”

“No one’s hurt,” he said. “I shouldn’t have been laughing at you when you were mad.” He kissed her shoulder again. “Are you warm? I love you so much Idina Kim,” he muttered hugging her tightly around the shoulder. He moved closer so that his face was now semi resting on hers and their legs intertwined.

“I’m almost too hot,” she admitted. “But I don’t want to move.”

“Good,” he said. “Because you’re my baby burrito right now and I’m not letting you go.” His thumb rubbed her bump as he spoke to her. She smiled at the love that poured through his tired words. “Today’s a big day and everyone’s going to want a piece of you so you’re mine for the time being.”

She felt his grip slowly slacken as he fell back asleep. Hugging her pillow, Idina wished right now she had something to hold onto. The overwhelming love pouring into her form her husband was seeping through her skin and she wanted to swaddle something and snuggled it close the was he was doing with her. She smiled and squeezed her pillow, trying to fall back asleep. If Walker has not woken them up yet, they are not sleeping in.

Idina slipped into a fitful sleep. This time it was not Taye. It was just some figure, someone, maybe a manifestation of her worse fears, beating her, hurting her, hurting _Walker_. She tried to stop them, but then they hit her stomach and she lost the twins and she went into labour, delivering her dead babies with their heads bashed in and she cried over their bodies while they were still attached to her via the umbilical cord. Then Aaron left her, calling her a murderer and she was alone once again.

“Dee,” Aaron was gently shaking her awake. “Wake up love, you’re having a bad dream,” he said softly.

“No,” she mumbled, tired and suddenly aware of her migraine. “Sleep,” she moaned as she sat up, her eyes still closed. She shivered as the blankets left her and Aaron wrapped one around her. She opened her eyes and grabbed onto his arm, pulling him into a hug. With a sigh of relief, she kisses his temple. “I love you,” she said. “I’m really sorry about yesterday. It was hormones and that’s not an excuse for how I acted.”

“It’s okay, Chickadee,” he said.

“I had an episode last night, didn’t I?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “But you’re good now. It was not that bad. You still had feelings for me, just not the memories. It helps a lot when you still love me.”

“I think it’s getting worse. I have a migraine.”

“You’ve been stressed.”

“We can’t just write it off as stress,” she said as he rocked her, and she clung to him. “There could be something seriously wrong in my head and we’re just ignoring it.”

He sighed. “I know, Dee. When the babies come, we will put you on some drugs and see if they help. If they do not, then we try something else. If they do, then we celebrate.”

“If they make it worse?”

“We take it as it comes.”

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s not your fault. You are not to blame for what Taye did. You are not to blame for protecting the twins. If anything, I should have stepped in.”

“Who would have held Walker back?” she asked. “Then we’d both be hurt. You’ve got survivor’s guilt.”

“Maybe a little,” he admitted. “I just stood there. I’m a terrible husband.”

“No, you were looking out for Walker and not escalating the situation. You are the best husband in the world.”

Aaron scooped her into his lap, making Idina chuckle about how much of a workout she was giving him. He kissed her, saying it was his pleasure to do the heavy lifting since she was carrying it all the time.

“What were you dreaming about?” he asked, then reassure her it was fine if she said nothing.

Idina reached over to her bedside table and took out her journal. She started by just writing down the details of yesterday, then asked him not to look while she flipped to her dream section and wrote it down. She placed a bookmark at the start of the dream section and told him he could read it while she drew herself a bath. If he wanted to talk to her about it, he would have to climb into the tub with her and bathe her. He kissed her ear and thanked her as she got up. First, she went to check on Walker and Erika. It was earlier in the morning than she had expected, and they were both fast asleep. Then she went back to her room, where Aaron was sitting hunched over her journal and drew herself a bath.

Sometime later, her husband came in, stripped, and got into the tub behind her. He took to soap from her and started slathering it across her body. Sighing, she leaned into his chest, closing her eyes as his hands ran over her body.

“Dee, don’t fall asleep,” he mumbled, but she could tell he was tired as well. “You’re supposed to talk to me and sleeping in the bathtub is dangerous.”

“Talk to me then,” she said, curling up a bit against him, unintentionally making his job a bit harder.

As he massaged and cleaned her skin, he talked to her. Asking her questions which she answered truthfully. Kissing her as well, letting her know how much he loved her right now and how brave she was. He made her feel safe and promised never to leave her as he started to rub shampoo into her hair. He even helped her shave.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Mom?”

“Yeah Walk?” Idina called.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked. “Can I come in?”

“Do not come in,” Idina said. “And yes, I’m feeling better.”

“Why can’t I come in?”

“We’re naked Walk,” Aaron said. “I’m giving your mom a bath.”

“Aw, not having a sex?” he asked. “I thought that would make her feel better.”

Whispering, Idina turned to Aaron. “Is he disappointed were just bathing?” she asked.

Trying not the chuckle, he replied: “I think so,” in a whisper.

“Can I come in?” he asked again.

“No Walker,” Idina said firmly.

“But you’re just having a bath,” he whined. “I want to come in.”

“Do not come in or you will be in big trouble,” Idina said. “You won’t come to the event tonight. It’s still early enough to find you a sitter.”

“Aww, okay,” he said, trudging off.

Aaron kissed her neck, chuckling, his chest heaving up and down with her on it, bringing a smile to her dainty lips. Idina looked up at him with a grin on her face and their lips locked. Her mouth opened for him, her hands going up to pull him closer, pull her closer, into her hair, cupping his face, doing anything to make the lovely feeling raging through her body stronger. There was a plop as Aaron dropped the soap, wrapping his arms around her and giving himself the perfect vantage to coax a long groan form her.

Breathless, the pulled apart, their eye locked on each other.

“Do that thing with your tongue again,” Idina ordered, still short of breath.

“Gladly,” Aaron replied.

He did it, but slower. He made her beg for it. Their world expanded even though they were trapped in the now lukewarm water and small tub.

Suddenly Idina pulled away.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I think they hate us kissing,” she muttered. Little indents were popping up on her stomach. “They’re giving me a hard time about it. Think they’re jealous?” she asked.

Aaron nodded as Idina climbed out of the tub and wrapped herself in a white bathrobe. Aaron followed suit. Before she was able to leave the bathroom, he caught her and planted kisses on her bump. She smiled down at him as he kissed each little footprint that appeared.

“Soccer player for sure,” he chuckled against her skin. “Hey there little guys, it’s daddy here. Can you be good for mommy, please? I know it is gonna be really loud today, but it is a big day for mommy, and she would really like it if you could be calm, just today. I know you wanna come out. I want that too. I cannot wait to meet you, little munchkins. And so does mommy and your big brother and sister. They cannot wait to meet you either. We’ve been waiting eight months, what’s three more weeks?” He peppered them in kisses and rubbed her stomach. “I’m so excited to meet you. I love you both so much. You are so lucky; I hope you know that. You have the best mom in the world, and she fought so hard to keep you two alive. She might have some bad days sometimes, but she’s going to do absolutely everything for you two and I hope you realize how lucky you are.”

He rested his head against her bump. She ran a hand through his hair with a smile on her face.

“You did a pretty good job shaving,” she told him as they went back into their bedroom.

“You’re welcome,” he said. He pulled his camera down from the shelf as she pulled on a loose dress. “Can we get an after shot for the baby book?” he asked. “The sunlight’s just right to make a good silhouette.”

She rolled her eyes and opened the blinds, shaking her head as Aaron directed her to pose. After taking a few pictures, then changed out of his robe, ready for the big day.


	59. Chapter 59

Idina was trying to enjoy everything, but it was hard. Something was gnawing at her very core and had no idea what it was or how to deal with it. Aaron told her she was anxious. Why shouldn’t she be? This was her first press even while pregnant with the twins. And she had never really announced it, it had just got out, like everything else. Or along with everything else.

She’d drawn up a contract that every interviewer at so sign stating that they would not mention Taye, if she refused to answer a question they could not press the issue more could they publish the question and her refusal. They could not talk to Walker or Erika without prompting form Idina or Aaron. They were also not allowed to talk about the custody battle. Legally they could not before, but she just wanted to remind them. There were a few other things that Aaron had added as an afterthought, just in case. They needed to come off well in the media. This stunt they were pulling would be ripped apart by the Rivera’s lawyer if they were not careful. It could also help in making anyone who saw it subconsciously think of them as a family unit. The judge would not watch it for that reason, but public opinion and pressure could not hurt.

It was a calculated move. Everything they were doing now was a calculated move.

The crowds were not going to be like the ones she was used too. This was a small event in a small venue, and she was the biggest name. Full stop.

Her mother called just before the hair and makeup team came. She had a firm chat with Helen about what exactly was and was not to be done when Idina was on bedrest, and especially once Aaron left. No motions of Taye. Period. Not her, not to Walker or Aaron or Erika. Erika was to be left alone, but not her own devices. Walker was to be treated nicely, but not given a free pass just because he was having a hard time. She was there to help Idina and she would therefore not lecture Idina about the past months, the argument they had that she could not remember, nor her night terrors. If she had an episode, Helen knew what to do at least. Idina did trust her. She was her mother after all. Her house felt like a minefield. She mapped them all out and knew where to step, but Helen did not have it memorized yet and if she made one misstep this would all go sideways.

Idina and Erika sat in the master bedroom while the makeup team worked. They were doing something light and natural for Erika, just hiding a few pimples and giving her eyes a bit of pop. She had nice chocolate brown eyes. With a bit of pink blush and lipstick, she looked miles away from the malnourished girl Idina had met months ago. They did her hair up in a high twist with two pieces framing her face and a silver circlet that matched the dragonfly necklace Idina had bought all that time ago.

The star’s hair was braided back in an intricate weave that ended in a side bun encrusted with pale icy-blue flowers. Her makeup was done heavily, as she still had brownish marks on her skin that would not go away. She was given fake eyelashes, the full ordeal. The artist did a smoky eye starting with the colour of her dress and ending in the colour of the flowers in her hair. They made her green eyes stand out and look obviously green.

“I look weird,” Erika said when Idina asked her what she thought.

“Good weird or bad weird?” asked Idina, needing clarification. If Erika did not like it, she would have it redone.

“Good weird,” she said with a slight smile, turning her head to see all the different angles. Her cheeks sparkled a bit. They must have used a metallic blush.

Idina noticed they used to the same one to highlight her cheekbones or at least one with a similar sheen as it was not as intensely youthful as Erika’s.

“You look beautiful,” Idina told her and she smiled, hiding her face behind a towel.

The star thanked the artists and sent them their payment, the Joby came in and helped Idina change. Erika changed in her room and came back because Joby wanted to accessorize her. The dresser took silver jewelry from the same set for both Idina and Erika, giving Erika a few bracelets that went well with the circlet and necklace. Then she paused when she was about to put in the earrings.

“They’re not pierced,” Erika said in case there was any confusion.

“Oh,” Joby said. “I think I have some clip-ons, hold on,” she said, rummaging through her bag. She pulled out two pairs and help them up. “Dee, which ones?” she asked, turning to her employer and long-time friend.

She was holding up one pair that was medium-sized fake diamonds and the other was two small rosebuds with some leaves in a shade like those on the girl’s dress.

“The rosebuds,” Idina said. It was simple. The other pair was a bit too much.

“Ouch,” Erika exclaimed as Joby skewered one of them in a bit too tight.

They were not enterally ‘clip-ons’ more like ‘screw-ons’ since they were small and not dangling. And old. Joby handed her the second one to do, only making sure that it was even and symmetrical with the other. Then she grabbed a small braided leather belt, about the width of Idina’s pinkie figure and put it loosely around Erika’s waist, giving her a bit more of a figure.

“You’re gorgeous,” Joby said with a wink. Idina agreed. Her dresser had done wonders on both of them.

They exchanged pleasantries and she hugged and tanked Joby again while the latter wished Idina luck with the pregnancy.

Lastly, for shoes, Idina had bought Erika a pair of elegant sandals where the straps around her feet were tied with a ribbon around her ankles. Idina opted for black flats.

When everyone had left, Idina and Erika stepped out to find Aaron and Walker. The two of them were on the main floor, dressed, polished, and ready to go.

Aaron noticed them first and his face lit up. “I think we’re going to be two thorns among roses,” he told Walker.

The boy shook his head. “I’m the most handsome one,” he said. “You’re a thorn though.”

Everyone chuckled. Aaron escorted them to the car that waiting outside. Idina had hired a driver. Why not, she had told herself. No one wanted to drive anyways, and she wanted Walker and Erika to get the full experience. This would be the only time in years the whole family would be able to go as the twins would be too young for these types of events for the next few years. And even then, she wanted to keep them out of the stoplight until they were older, as she had done with Walker.

She sat between her husband and son, rubbing her belly. Walker had been to a few of these events before and was telling Erika exactly what he thought would happen. Idina was not one hundred percent sure how it would go, so she just let him talk. Idina smiled. This was perfect. Leaning against her husband, she let out a soft sigh of relief and felt his arm slip around her back and hand fall over hers on her bump.

She could not believe she was thirty-nine weeks pregnant. In three more weeks, they would meet their baby boys.

They arrived at the premier and Walker was quick to air his disappointment at how small it was. Idina laughed it off and told him to suck it up. They walked inside and she met by her co-stars, a lot of up and comers for whom this was their biggest project. They were all as excited as had been when _Rent_ was opening. It was bringing back so many good memories. Everyone commented on her bump. It was practically the literal elephant in the room. She gently told everyone she was having twins; in case she had not mentioned it before. It seems she had not for everyone went wild.

Idina was grinning ear to ear before she even made it out of the hallway. Press was done first. There were a few reporters form some middle line papers and some bloggers and YouTube commentators, but that was it. All packed into a small room. She scanned it for a minute. It seemed everyone was walking in a circle counterclockwise.

The interviews were all the same. Aaron and the kids stood off-camera for the most part. _How are you?_ Good, a bit nervous, the usual _. Excited?_ Yes. _Tell me about the pregnancy!_ Well, it was a bit of a surprise. Especially the twins part. _Twins?_ Did I not mention it? _How far along?_ Thirty-nine weeks. _Shouldn’t you be on bedrest?_ Then Aaron would chime in: She starts tomorrow. And so forth. Walker showed off his moonwalk and Mikael Jackson moves to anyone who would watch, which was everyone. Erika smiled and said a few simple things. Yes, this was cool. Having a celebrity for a mother was odd. Idina and Aaron were so nice. Idina kept an arm around the girl the entire time.

When it was over, they went to the back room where there was refreshment until the screening.

“Mom!” Walker said excitedly.

“What pumpkin?”

“The dinosaur man is here!”

“What?” she asked again

Walker pointed to Chris Pratt. Idina had no idea what he was going here.

“Can we go talk to the dino man?” he asked.

“Maybe,” Idina said, watching him to see if he was busy. 

Aaron and Erika were at the long table of refreshment chatting quietly and Chris Pratt did not seem to be busy. When the person he was talking to too walked away, Idina and Walker came up, after Idina had expressly made Walker promise to behave on the threat of being more than grounded if he did not.

“Excuse me, hi,” Idina said with a small wave.

“Hi!” he exclaimed. “I just want to say I’m a huge fan,” he told her. “I was supposed to be on this project but had scheduling conflicts. Figured I crash this last-minute anyhow.” That made more sense.

“Thanks. This is my son Walker. He loves your _Jurassic World_ movies,” she said.

“Were they real dinosaurs?” he asked. “Mommy says they weren’t, but I think they were.”

“They were real, all right,” he said, kneeling to Walker’s level. “I got bitten and everything too.” He showed the boy a few markings on his hand that did not come from dinosaurs, but Walker was eager enough to believe.

“I knew it!” Walker exclaimed, looking up at Idina. “Just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Else how do you know you have a brain? You can see someone else’s but you can’t see your own.”

“There’s a thing called a brain scan,” she reminded him. “You've seen my brain and so have I.”

“Oh, right,” he said. “But the dinosaurs were real.” He turned back to Chris. “I love the T-rex,” he told him. “but the made-up dinosaurs were a bit silly. You should have used something no one knows about like a Kosmoceratops or a Stygimoloch. That one is a Greek name that translates to ‘horned demon from the river of hell’. That would have been cool. But it is not as big as the made-up one, so it might not have looked as cool. The Kosmoceratops was supposed to be really pretty though, that’s why it’s got the ‘Kosmo’ bit.”

“I’ve never heard of those,” Chris admitted.

“Really? Mom got me a bunch of books from museums and they have all the dinosaur facts in them. But since you were working with real ones, shouldn’t you guys have known what dinosaurs to use?”

“We could only use the ones we could revive with mosquito blood,” he reminded Walker. “Maybe they haven’t found those ones yet.”

“Oh,” the boy said. “When you find a Stygimoloch, can you let me know? I really want to see one.”

“Of course, bud!” the actor exclaimed, motioning to Walker to give him a high five. “I’ll let you know if we find one for the third movie. You seem to know your dinosaurs, that’s for sure.”

“So, I’ll know if you make it up,” Walker informed him.

“Yes, you will.”

Walker ran off to go tell Aaron that the dinosaurs in the movies were real.

“Sorry about that,” Chris said even though he did not look sorry.

“Payback for _Let it Go_?” she asked. He nodded and she giggled. “You do realize I only sing the song, right? I did not write it or anything like that.”

“It’s still your voice we hear,” he informed her. “And congratulations on the pregnancy. When are you do? A few months ago? It looks like you’re growing a fully-formed human, not a baby,” he joked.

“Twins,” she informed him. “And above-average levels of amniotic fluid.”

“Dang, that’s going to be a lot of diapers.”

She nodded in agreement. “Aaron’s claimed the role of stay-at-home, bless him,” she said. “I don’t think he knows what he’s getting himself into. It feels a bit mean.”

“No parent does. That is the joy. You’ll get to sit back, relax, and watch him completely have no control.”

She chuckled. “That does sound amusing.”

The screening was about to start so everyone went to their seats. Idina and the rest of the cast gave a little speech before she settled down in the front row between her two boys. She held Aaron’s hand and looked past him to Erika, who gave her a thumbs up.

When the movie was over, they left quickly as Idina was starting not to feel so good and her left hand was twitching. They made quick apologies, but no one seemed to care, knowing she was pregnant with twins.

Upon arriving home, Aaron sent her straight to bed. He told the kids they could stay up, but not too late as they still had school, then went to check on his wife. She was in the bathroom, puking.

“I think I ate something off,” she said, looking absolutely miserable. Her makeup was smudged, and her dress was wrinkled, and she had fly-away hairs sticking out of her braid every which way. “Does anyone else feel bad?”

“Just you,” he said, and he kneeled down and rubbed her back. “Come on, I’ll help you get cleaned up.”

“I’m not done yet,” she informed him before hurling again. “Okay, now I’m done,” she announced, trying, and failing to reach out and flush the toilet. Aaron did it for her. “The twins are fussing,” she informed him. “I can’t wait until they’re out and not my sole problem anymore. I feel bad for you.”

“If I can do anything now, let me know,” he said.

He helped her up. She bushed her teeth and removed her makeup. Then they went to the bedroom and changed. Before getting into bed, Idina just stared at it.

“You good?” Aaron asked.

Idina nodded. “I’m just going to be stuck on bedrest tomorrow.”

“You need it,” he said. “Come on, I’ll pamper you, I promise.”

“I’m not an invalid.”

“I know, but the doctors have said you have to go on bed rest.” He sighed. “It’s just for a few weeks, Dee.”

“Don’t go,” she said. “I really don’t want you too.”

“I have too. I’ve missed too many days and I’ll be taking paternity leave if not quitting,” he explained.

She pouted but crawled in anyway. Aaron moved closer to cuddle as she adjusted her pillow, but Idina brushed him off. He sighed.

“Don’t huff,” Idina snapped, “or I’ll kick you out.”

“Fine,” he said, turning over. He turned off the light and so did she.

* * *

The next few weeks were not bad. Helen was a huge help around the house and kept Idina entertained during the day. Idina barely talked to her husband in the days leading up to his departure. She knew it hurt him; it hurt her too, but she did want to be hurt even more when he left even after she had pleaded with him not too. He would be home for her birthday. She told herself to grow up and get over it, but it felt like a betrayal. Angelika, and her mother, though she had some built-up resentment towards Taye and fear that was coming out. Yet they both admitted it was hard on Idina and she needed him. But Idina needed to know it was hard on him too.

Idina spent a lot of her time going over her case for Erika. Helen offered to testify if it was needed. She had been around Erika this past couple of weeks and was a therapist. She had also met the girl when Idina had her spell of crippling anxiety over the blackmailer (and Idina finally got it sorted out then Helen had flown over once, but that she had stayed at the house for three days and Idina had fallen asleep). There was a noticeable difference that would play in their favour. Angelika had offered to testify too if Idina was okay with her discussing some of their private session and say that Idina truly cared for Erika and saw her as her daughter.

“Hey, ‘Dina,” Helen said as she entered the room. “Walk’s asleep and Erika’s studying for her exam tomorrow, so if you don’t need anything I’m going to head out.”

“Thanks, mom,” Idina said.

She sighed. She had been crying because she’d thought that had to go to the bathroom, then it turned out to be a contraction, then she fell asleep and had to go to the bathroom after all. And it had been over twelve hours since Aaron had texted her he loved her and she was due to give birth in six days and she wanted those obnoxious excuses for a bundle of joy out of her and being more joyful. Oh, and did she mention her breasts were aching? They were. Someone needed to milk her or find her a stray baby to feed because is this kept up, she was going to have irreversible damage. Idina was going to have her entire uterus removed after this, then have the surgeon give it to her so that she could burn it.

“Oh, ‘Dina, honey,” Helen said after she’d gotten her daughter to spill the beans. “You know, you were the easiest baby to carry but a nightmare to look after. Cara was the nightmare pregnancy and much better tempered. Maybe you’ll have two sweet-tempered boys.”

“I want them to be hell,” she said. “So Aaron knows what he put me through.”

Helen chuckled. “Dee, if he sticks it through the entire birth as he promised, he’s going to know. Aaron hates seeing you in pain, and since you’re being stubborn about painkillers, he’s going to suffer well enough watching you.”

“I know,” Idina sighed. “I love him so much, mom. I am so lucky I finally realized it before it was too late. Sometimes I wish Taye never happened, but then I wouldn’t have Walker and I’d do everything over again a million times worse to have him.”

Helen kissed her head. “That is how I feel about you and Cara, the bad times were horrendous, but I’d do everything over again for you two. And all my amazing grandchildren.”

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”

“For what sweet?”

“For everything. For Erika, for Walk. For the twins. I do not think I can do this. Sometimes I think I should have just had an abortion.”

“You are doing everything right. And Idina, honey, there is no way you would have had an abortion. You have had children ripped away from you from things beyond your control. It would have been the wrong thing to do for you.”

“But that is my point, maybe I was being selfish by keeping them. I am going to be forty-nine in five days. I can’t care for two boys for the next eighteen years.”

“You’re not alone. You have Aaron and Walker. I am sure Erika will help too. I do not think she is comfortable around babies, but that doesn’t mean she won’t love them.”

“I’m not sure she can love people,” Idina admitted. “Not the way we do. I know she goes through all the motions, but it always feels like there’s a disconnect and no matter how hard she or we try, it’s always there.”

“Her walls aren’t going to come down in one shot. You got lucky they came down how they did and when, but I think here are some that are protecting her from things on the inside, not just external factors and those will take a lot more time.”

“I know,” Idina said. “I read her files. I know exactly what it is. It is awful, makes me grateful for everything I have. That makes me scared. I do not know how to empathize with it because all I can do is imagine. And I do not believe I’d be as functional as she is.”

“It’s survival,” Helen said. “You and Aaron are doing everything right. I am sure the courts will see that. They will see reason, Dee. Those people are not her parents; they gave up on that years ago. You and Aaron have been better parents than they were period. Through everything. The judge must see that. And either way, I know you two will continue to care for her. If the worst happens, she only needs to stick it out until she turns eighteen. Then she can move back in with you and no one can stop her. But it will not. I will do everything I can to help you out. She’s my grandchild now too and I’ll be dammed if some court takes her away from my baby and tells me I can’t see her.”

Idina smiled. “Thanks, mom.” She yawned. ‘I think I’m good, you can go now. I know who to call if something comes up. The kids do too. I love you, good night.”

“Goodnight, ‘Dina,” Helen said as she left the room.

* * *

This was Aaron's second to last day of meetings. Tomorrow he would be leaving and he would be arriving home in time for wife’s birthday. He was on his break, pulling out his phone to text the bi-daily ‘I love you’ to his wife when he noticed he had missed a message from her this morning.

_Hey babe, just wanted to let you know I think it is gonna happen today. Been having all the same warning signs I had with Walk. Don’t rush, this stuff takes a while, but try and finish up quickly, k? Erika and Walk are at school, so mom’s taking me to the hospital. I’ll text you when it really starts kicking in. Love you, xo Dee_

_Ps get here now or I’m going to make sure you’re not in their lives._

Aaron froze. It was happening now. Today. The text had been sent a half-hour ago. He still had time. He had to go. Time was speeding up yet the seconds in between each heartbeat grew as he somehow managed to casually walk out of the break room, do his last presentation, then solemnly announce his wife was starting labour and leaving.


	60. Chapter 60

_n/a last chance for some baby name suggestions._

Aaron dashed around his hotel room, banging into corners, and haphazardly throwing things into bags He should have known. He should have been ready to go at a seconds' notice.

 _Breathe_ , he reminded himself. Getting there alive was his first priority. Getting there in time was his second. Idina would hate him more if he died or got injured. It would hurt her more too than missing the birth of his children, and by proxy hurt him.

He zipped up the last zipper and checked out his hotel, grinning like a maniac and announcing to the elevator operator, the woman at the checkout desk, and the shuttle bus driver that his wife was in labour. It was not the best idea. People knew who he was and knew who Idina was, but he had a feeling it might have been leaked anyway. Paparazzi where everywhere, especially in maternity wards. Aaron hoped Helen had called their security guard. Aaron just could not keep it in.

He when through his messages again. Helen had included him in a group text where she was updating immediate family and close friends. Idina was grumpy, gassy, and barely 2 centimetres. They were in for the long haul. He knew that the labour had kicked in about an hour ago because he had over twenty misses texts from Idina that started cordially with _Hey hon, it's starting up, please get here soon_ and escalated to _Get you ass here now I'm dying oh shit it hurts get here now_ and ended in multiple profanities that eventually became incoherent jumbles of text. Finally, one form Helen.

_Hey Aaron, it's Helen, I've taken her phone away. The labour's started as you already know. Get here quickly but safely, she really wants you here. It looks like it's going to be quite a while before anything exciting happens. There's hope she may not have any complications, but at her age and with twins, not to mention everything else, it could take a turn for the worst quickly. I wasn't able to get Dee to eat anything at all this morning and she's been passing out on us so if you can pick up something high calorie that would be great, especially if it's something she'll swallow. Seriously though, I don't want my daughter arrested for homicide. Hurry up._

It was followed by a picture of Idina in a hospital gown looking all new worlds of pissed.

Then he got another text from Idina. _I've just crapped my pants. What are you up to asshole?_

 _On my way,_ he texted back.

 _Asshole,_ she replied. Then another text came in. _This is Helen again; I've taken her phone away again._

Aaron chuckled as the shuttle pulled into the parking lot. The driver wished him luck as he disembarked, and Aaron replied with a laugh that he needed it. Luckily, he knew where he had parked, at it was on the bottom floor of the parking garage. Quickly he got to his car, threw his things in the back, and started to two-hour drive back to LA.

* * *

It took Aaron five hours to get there. There had been bumper-to-bumper traffic on the highway. He had stopped to pick up some MacDonald's though, as per Helen's request. Not to mention he needed something too for his headache and nerves. When he got to the hospital, he bee-lined to the maternity ward.

"Idina Menzel?" he asked the nurse at the desk.

She asked for proof he knew her.

"I'm the father," he said, pulling out his driver's licence. "Aaron Lohr."

The nurse gave him a sympathetic look. "It's not going well, and she's been yelling about you for the past two hours," the nurse informed him Aaron just nodded. He expected as much. "She's only at four centimetres," the nurse continued as she led Aaron down hallway after hallway. "It's taking a while, but honestly we'd prefer something slow in her condition. The faster things happen, the faster they can go wrong. It is the last door on the left, your security officer is standing outside. Good luck," she said before scuttling off.

As he approached, he was suddenly chilled by the fact that he could not hear his wife screaming profanities. He waved to the security officer, then knocked on the door frame.

Helen instantly shushed him. Idina was laying semi-prone on the bed, a large bean-shaped object between her knees.

"She's asleep," his mother-in-law said in a whisper. "As I said, she's running on an empty stomach. They have her some IV nutrients, but it is not helping all that much. She is still falling asleep. They want her to save her energy for the delivery. "

"Aaron," Idina moaned in her sleep.

"She's been asking for you for hours," Helen continued. "Your name has been leaving her lips as much as she has been swearing, even when she's asleep."

"There was traffic," he said. "Nothing I could do about it. I came as soon as I could."

Helen nodded. "You're here now. They are only going to let one of us stay in the room for the delivery. They want all the space available in case something goes amiss. I was thinking I would head back to the house and look after Erika and Walker and you can stay here. Oh, and I see you got some food. Try and get her to eat when she wakes up. She might vomit it all back up, but it's better than not trying at all." Helen paused. "She's also soiled herself a few times, but two of three women do that. She didn't last time though so she's pretty mad and embarrassed."

"I've got it," he reassured her.

"You'd better," Helen said. "I'm trusting you with my baby. I'm also looking after yours," she added with a wink. He knew she was just teasing. "I'll leave when she wakes up," Helen said, "you can come in."

Aaron did so. He put the bag of food down on a table while Helen went back to the book she had been reading. It was one Aaron had been meaning to read but never got around to it. He knelt in front of his wife and looked at her sleeping face. It was red and blotchy; one could tell she had been crying, and she had some snot in her nose. She was far from what most would call beautiful, but it did not change the fact that she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

She had one hand on the bed, so he took it in his and kissed it lightly. Her face twitched in response as if sensing his presence. She muttered his name again, taking her hand from his and holding it close to her heart.

Helen gave him the rundown. The bean object was supposed to encourage the twins to settle in the right position and make the birth easier. He was shown what all the machines meant, which one Idina was currently hooked up too and which ones she was not. Helen also showed him where the emergency call button was and gave him a list of things to look out for. Idina knew all this too, but no one expected her to remember in her current state. She had one job to do and they had to do everything they could to make it easier for her.

After Idina awoke, screaming due to a sudden sharp contraction, Helen said her goodbye after making sure Aaron had properly coached his wife through the breathing exercises.

"I hate you," Idina spat as soon as her mother was out of earshot. Then she started crying. "You're supposed to be here for me! I have been scared stiff and you out God knows where. I could have died, and you'd have no idea."

"Dee, babe, I came as soon as I could," he said as he drew loving circles on the back of her hand.

"No," she argued. "I hate you." She ground her teeth and her face contorted in ways Aaron had not through possible, let out swears and she slowly bent around her stomach. "Oh god that was painful," she gasped. "They're still kicking," she informed him. "Or at least one of them is.

Aaron tried to get her to eat something. She refused, first citing that she hated him, then citing that she would just vomit anyway. Then she said she did not want to poop herself again and would not swallow that unholy demon food. Half-way through her verbal tirade, she got visibly tired, her eyes fluttering and speech slowing. Then she passed out again, only to be woken twenty minutes later by a contraction. Aaron checked his watch. They were far from fifteen minutes apart.

This time, he managed to convince her to eat a few chicken fingers. Then a few bites of burger, then the full thing. After another contraction, a nurse came in.

"How far apart?" she asked.

"About forty minutes," Aaron replied. "Give or take a few."

The nurse removed the bean and let Idina lay down on her back.

"Don't you dare," Idina threatened as the red-haired nurse pulled a stool up to the end of the bed.

"Dee, baby, it's fine," Aaron said. He pulled a chair up beside her. "She's just doing her job."

"She's assaulting me," Idina argued.

Aaron apologized to the nurse who shrugged it off. Apparently, this was commonplace, and she was used to it. The nurse, whose name was Hailey from her name tag, tried to move Idina's legs apart, but she protested.

"Idina, be reasonable," Aaron said. "The quicker you get this over with the quicker it will be done. And you do not want there to be anything wrong with the twins, do you?"

"No," she sighed, spreading her legs for the nurse who gave Aaron a look of thanks.

The nurse turned on her headlight and Idina showed signs of visible discomfort as she checked for whatever she was checking for with the few tools she had brought.

"Still at four centimetres," Hailey announced. She then told Aaron to try and get her to walk in between contractions.

"How far does she need to go?" Aaron asked, suddenly remembering how silly of a question that was. He knew. He had read the books and gone to the classes, yet somehow, he had no idea what he was doing.

"Ten, asshole," Idina informed him.

Aaron bit his lip. He was in no position to tell her to be nice right now, though he was certain Helen had been doing it earlier. He knew when his wife got in this mood swearing become more like punctuation. As it was at the end of every sentence, sometimes in the middle too.

The nurse left and Aaron helped Idina walk around the room. The cords hooking her up to the wall were elongated to allow her to pace from the window to the wall and back again so long as they did not get tangled. Idina complained about every step, leaning heavily on Aaron who was suddenly noticing just how heavy she was. She must have thunder thigh carrying the babies around all this time. No wonder she was a grump. No, she was not grumpy. She was beyond grumpy and he could not blame her.

He walked with her, rubbed her back, massaged her belly, tried pleading with the twins to no avail, and did the best her could to get her to eat more. Three hours later and they got a video call from Helen.

Idina was resting after another contraction. They were half an hour apart now and she had dilated to five centimetres. Her brow was beaded with sweat that Aaron was gently wiping off.

"Mom!" came a familiar little voice. Idina noticed it right away, struggling to sit up straight and look at the phone. Aaron held it up for her. "Are the babies here yet mom?" Walker asked.

"No," she huffed, out of breath. "Not yet. They're stubborn little ones."

"But grandma says it's been eight hours," he complained. "You said I was only eight hours. Is it going to be sixteen because there are two? Or will they come soon?"

"I don't know pumpkin. They come when they-" she grunted. "Come, dear," she sighed.

"Mom?"

"I'm fine pumpkin, can you put grandma back on the line?"

He handed the phone back to Helen. "How's it going?" she asked once the boy was out of earshot.

Idina and Aaron gave her the full run down.

"You could still get an epidural!" Walker yelled from the other room.

"Walker!" Helen called back, "You're supposed to be upstairs."

"But mommy can still get pain meds. I googled it." He walked into the room and he held his tablet up but it did not fit on the screen. "Then mom won't be in pain anymore. Are you going to ask them for medicine?" he asked his mom.

Idina shook her head.

"Why not?"

"It's hard to explain Walk-"

"Everything is hard to explain," he huffed, crossing his arms, and pouting in the same manner Idina did when she was fed up.

"I _want_ to feel all of it. "

"Why?"

"Because I do," she said. "I don't want to be high when they come into the world. Also, if something goes wrong, I can feel it too. That's helpful."

"But if you're already on pain meds, and something goes wrong, they don't have to spend more time putting you on them."

"If something goes wrong, I'm telling them not to put me on pain meds," she muttered. "Things happen quickly, I don't want them to waste time."

"I don't want you in pain," Walker said.

"No one does, bud," Aaron said. "But your mom is stubborn. She's doing what she thinks will be best for your little brothers."

"Okay," he said sheepishly. "I love you, mom. Are they going to be here tomorrow? It's late and grandma says I have to go to bed soon." It was nearing ten o'clock. Idina had been here almost nine hours now.

"They'd better be here by tomorrow," Idina said. "I love you too Walk, be on your best behaviour and sleep well."

"Okay, bye, you too," he said, and Helen chased him upstairs, making sure he went up this time.

"Good luck, Dee," Helen said. "I love you, baby, I'm holding down the fort here so don't worry about it. Focus on yourself and the twins. I'll sleep with my phone, so Aaron, call me the second something happens."

"Will do ma'am," Aaron said with a salute. Then he hung up.

* * *

By two in the morning Idina was exhausted, and seven centimetres. Aaron had dozed off in a chair and Idina was semi-delirious and unaware of the pain. It turns out pain can be its own epidural. She screamed as she was hit by another contraction, this one much worse than the others and she felt the twins grind against her pelvic bones. Her hand flew to her stomach, clutching and the pain as her whole body seized along with it. It was getting worse, which meant they were coming.

Aaron woke up at was by her bedside instantly, climbing in behind her, rubbing her, kissing her, muttering encouraging words.

"I just want it to be over," she sobbed.

"I know baby," he said, kissing her and checking the time. "Happy birthday, Chickadee," he whispered in her ear.

"The jerks!" she exclaimed. "Now I'm going to have to share my special day with two little hooligans who'll make it all about them. I'm not pushing them out till tomorrow." She crossed her arms and leaned back against Aaron. "You've done pretty well," she told him. "Have you left the room at all?"

"No," he replied. "I promised you I wouldn't so I'm not."

She smiled, though it was forced.

"Just imagine the feeling when you finally get to hold them," he told her.

"I am," she replied. "Or I would have given up somewhere around eleven."

Hailey came in again, introducing them to their new nurse Jocelyn. She was going home for the night. Jocelyn was quick to say that Aaron should not be on the hospital bed and that Idina's positioning was all wrong for this stage of the birth. Idina flipped her the bird and told her to die in a ditch.

Jocelyn retook every reading Hailey had and she did so with much less tact and grace than Hailey had. She made a show of it, kicking Aaron out of the hospital bed and trying to restrict him to the chair in the corner, then parading in many male doctors and nurses to look at this or that, feel here, offer up a second opinion. Aaron stayed by her side the entire time, holding her and telling her it would be alright as one doctor was getting his face way to close to his exposed wife then either of them was comfortable with.

"I'm worried the babies may be getting each other stuck," he explained. "I'm going to touch you, Mrs. Menzel," he said, waiting for her approval. Jocelyn gave him eyes that said _just do it already, wimp_. But this man was a doctor and professional and he waited for Idina's weak nod before he started.

She grunted as he touched her sore areas, the felt her abdomen where the twins were. He told something to another nurse to right down. His and pressed down somewhere and Idina screamed bloody murder, making everyone in the room jump out of their skin. Her hand clamped down on Aaron's, grinding his knucklebones against each other.

He pulled his had away. "Does that hurt a lot?" he asked.

Idina nodded wildly.

He prodded at the area again, gauging her reaction as he got closer and closer to the spot. "If I am correct, you had stitches to support your uterus?" he asked.

"Yes, " Aaron said. "It should all be in her file. She had it done here."

"Is something wrong?" Idina panted.

"No, not exactly," he said, still feeling around her abdomen, gloved hands drawing a line up where her faded scar was. "I think the twins are putting too much pressure on the stitches and it's stretching other areas." He beckoned Aaron over. Aaron came but kept on hand firmly in his wife's grip. "See here was can feel the bugle of one head," he said directing Aaron a spot on the far side. "And her on the other side is his brother. They're pulling at the stitches right here," the doctor said, lightly brushing over the area and Idina whimpered. "We are going to try and move the twins," he informed them. "With the stitches, I don't want to do a cesarian unless absolutely necessary as it would be detrimental to Idina's health. It can be hard on the body and since she already had such an invasive surgery before it could produce other complications. So, our only option is to try and move the babies."

"What does that mean?" Aaron asked, eyes meeting with Idina's.

"It's going to be painful," he said. "I'm not going to sugar coat it. And we will have to draw it out carefully to make sure the umbilical cords do not get tangled. Assuming they are not already everything should be fine. Just, since they share a placenta there is the risk that it might happen."

"And if we don't do it?"

"I'm not sure.," he replied. "Childbirth is still mysterious in many ways. Things can go south before you know it. I am worried that if the uterus wall gets damaged, she will not have the support she needs to deliver them. Or they may get stuck and need further medical intervention."

"Which way is safer?" Idina asked. "For the twins, not for me. Which way gets Aaron two sons?"

"Dee," Aaron said. "I can't lose you."

"I can't lose another child," she told him. "We do everything for the twins or no me. We've discussed this," she snapped.

Everyone in the room knew what Idina was threatening.

"Moving one of the babies will help ensure the likelihood of at least one surviving, if not both," the doctor said. "Not doing anything results in a pretty equal chance they both will not make it, but equal chance they will, though much slimmer. And Mr. Lohr, rest assured right now there is currently little to no risk to your wife's well-being."

Aaron sighed in relief.

"Try moving one of them then," Idina said, pulling Aaron close to her. "I can handle it. I just want my little boys to be safe, that's all."

Aaron held her, one hand still in her firm grasp. They locked eyes as Idina braced herself. A few female nurses crowded into the room and Aaron did his best not to be in the way but still be close enough to support his wife.

She was a trooper. As the nurses, under the doctor's watchful eyes, massaged her bump and tried to encourage one of the twins behind the other, she ground her teeth and squeezed his hand. She could feel him moving and tried to answer any questions she was asked. He was kicking in protest, assaulting her rib cage and her lungs. Aaron was shown how to massage her bump to encourage the babies to come soon.

When they were finished, they took an ultrasound. Everything looked fine and she was checked again. She was now at eight centimetres. Idina was more uncomfortable than she had been before with the way the twins were placed, but there was little she could do about that. Her contractions were getting closer and closer together and a nurse was now coming in every half hour. Aaron tried to get Idina to eat and drink more, knowing they still had the worst part ahead of them. She did so meekly, the same though looming over her mind.

"Nine centimetres!" Jocelyn exclaimed two hours later. Idina's face melted into relief. They had been at this for eighteen hours now. Soon they would meet their children.

Jocelyn ran off to get more doctors and Aaron could not hide his smile. "Soon," he said, kissing her chapped lips. "I love you baby, and I love our babies. You can do this," he said against her temple, hugging her best he could.

She was trembling for exhaustion. "I'm glad," she mumbled. "I can't do this much longer." She was hit by another contraction and Aaron started the watch. Ten minutes later she was hit by another one.

They were coming.

More doctors came in and Idina's legs were elevated and strapped down so that she did not have to worry about them herself and giving room for the doctor to work. People stood by, ready to rush the children off if anything appeared to be wrong.

If Aaron thought the last eighteen hours had been painful, they had nothing on the one that followed. Idina's entire face contorted, turning read as every muscle in her body tensed. He reminded her to breathe even though she verbally assaulted him with every breath she took. He took all the curses lightly and just helped her, holding her hand, proving support. She was bringing his children into the world all by herself and if he could make her feel less alone, he would.

Idina made noises Aaron did not know humans, or any leaving creature, could make. They should use women in labour to create the soundtrack to horror films.

"She's crowning!" someone announced.

Aaron looked back to his wife who through closed eyes and girded teeth gave him a nod, saying it was okay to look. Still holding onto her hand, he pulled away for a second just to peek. It was messy, but he could see the little head of his baby boy through it all and he smiled, going back to his wife.

"I can see him, Dee," Aaron cheered. "You're doing so well, just a few more pushes and he'll be here."

Idina screamed and bit down as another contraction hit, straining her body, and using any energy she had left.

"Yes," the doctors said. "That was amazing, two more and you'll have yourself a baby."

Another hit and Aaron was counting down for the second when he heard cheering.

He looked over. Idina had managed to get him out early. Idina's face when placid in relief as she looked around, trying to see her son. Aaron cut the umbilical cord and they cleaned the mewling bundle of fluids and skin off, then handed him to the waiting father.

Aaron went right to Idina's side with their first boy. They paid no attention to the people who were there to preserve the umbilical cord (Idina's idea) when about their way.

The baby was crying and small, but Idina's face melted the second she saw him, and she looks up at Aaron with stars in her eyes as she stroked his cheek. "Hey there little one," she said. "I'm your mommy," she cooed with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. "I'm your mommy," she repeated as if she could not quite believe it.

Aaron's chest felt like it might explode with the light weight of his newborn in his arms and his wife cooing over him. Then suddenly Idina shrieked again. A nurse took the boy away and Idina called out, reaching for him, but was stopped by another contraction. His little brother wanted to come out.

Aaron could tell she was tired. Her whimpered where weaker, her grim on his now bruised hand weaker.

Soon, she was crowing. But she was spent.

"Come on Dee, just one more push. you did it last time."

"I c-c-can't," she muttered, her eyes wandering. She was hit by another contraction and he could see her trying, throwing everything she had in. But she was spent.

"He's coming," the doctor said. "Just hang in there a bit longer."

Another contraction hit.

"The head's out!" someone exclaimed.

"Next contraction and you'll have another baby," the doctor encouraged. He counted down and this time Aaron watched, and he pulled the child out in tandem with his wife's efforts.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "It's over, Dee," he said.

"Mhmm," she muttered, her head flopping to one side of the pillow, eyelids fluttering.

He wiped down her brow. The nurses came back and present both of them with a baby. The one with the red armband was their firstborn and was given back to Aaron while the second baby, the smaller one, was handed to Idina. More accurately, the nurse held the baby up against her for she could barely raise her arms to hold him. But she second, she saw him her face lit up and she managed to find the strength to hold him, cooing at both her twin boys. They two of them had the silliest, giddiest grins on their faces. It was three in the morning on Idina's birthday and they now had their crying, red-faced twins.

But they knew the twins were alive and that was all the mattered.

The nurses took the twins away to properly wash and all that stuff hospitals do when Idina announced something was wrong. Almost imminently, the doctor was back inside as Idina's pain and discomfort grew.

"What's wrong?" Aaron asked as the doctor examined her.

Idina let out a pained whimper.

"I," the doctor stammered after a few moments spent examining her, "I think there's a third baby."

The next hour was hell. That was the only word Aaron could think to describe it. Everyone was moving quickly. The child was sideways. Idina was falling asleep. They stuck her with Adrenalin shots and used emergency archaic methods to try and turn the child as fast as possible.

Idina could do little more than whimper and clutch onto his hand. Aaron did everything he could to support her, but it felt like it was not enough as more doctors and nurses swarmed into the small room and Idina let out another wail of pain. He felt her grip go limp and her breath grew sallow right before a nurse stuck a needle in her arm.

"Wake up, Dee," he pleaded.

Her eyes fluttered open again and she was in pain.

"Push," the doctor ordered.

She did, though she said "No" while she did so.

Aaron looked over at the doctor who shook his head. She was barely doing anything.

"You're doing great," both he and Aaron said.

A nurse was massaging her stomach, trying to see if she could get the baby out semi-manually.

Another contraction rolled in and Aaron watched the nurse's skilled hands as she pushed at his wife's deflated belly.

"Crowning," the doctor said encouragingly. He gave Aaron a thumbs up.

Aaron kissed her forehead. The Adrenalin was kicking in, she was a bit more lucid, but it did not change how much more her body could take. It just prolonged the inevitable. The child had to come now.

"I can't," she muttered repeatedly, tossing her head from side to side in distress.

"You can," Aaron whispered. "You've done it three times already, twice tonight. You can do it now."

"No," she argued, breathless, almost lifeless. Her eyes had lost all spark. She had lost all whit, all will to curse or shout.

"Please, Dee," he begged. "For the twins? Please, Dee?"

She was hit by another contraction and he could see the muscled in her body tightening as she pushed. her clamped down hard on Aaron's hand and he held her, supporting her because she could not do this and support herself.

"It's a girl!" the doctor said as he pulled a very small baby out from Idina.

"Hear that Dee?" Aaron said with a smile on his face, "a little girl, just like you wanted."

"Yeah," she muttered. Her face grew slack, but her eyes followed the nurses as they rushed around her rear.

They did not hear wailing.

"What going on?" Aaron asked just as the tiniest wail pierced through the air.

Nurses rushed around them, taking the baby away as Aaron tried to get answers. Then he looked back down at his wife. Her eyes were closed, her grip on his hand non-existent. Her breaths were shallow, laboured, but there.

It was four o'clock in the morning and he was alone, absurdly hungry, unsure where his children were, if his daughter were safe, and praying that his wife would not stop breathing. How had one day turned into such a nightmare?


	61. Chapter 61

Waking up, Idina felt and odd yet familiar sensation on her left breast. She blinked; it was so bright. Her entire body hurt. She groaned, closing her eyes to block out the light. Pain was everywhere. Her back, her abdomen, especially her abdomen.

“Dee?” a familiar voice asked.

She groaned and turned her head to it, now opening her eyes and blinking furiously as she adjusted to the light.

She felt lips press against her own and Aaron sighing in relief against her.

“Happy birthday,” he whispered, his voice strained; tired.

Then he gave her another desperate kiss.

“I love you so much,” he said with a bit of a sob. “I’m so effing glad you’re alive.”

And finally, he kissed her a third time, slowly, as he might never get to do it again.

She pulled away, out of breath. “I’m not complaining babe, but what’s going on?”

She looked up at him. He had dark circled under his eyes and worry marks scattered across his face. He was very close to her. Looking down, she saw that a baby was latched onto her breast, sucking like a little vampire. He was dressed in the ‘Thing 2’ onesie they had gotten for the twins. She was wearing a blue, soft cotton night blouse that was unbuttoned to her navel and had Walker’s jean blanket wrapped around her waist.

“They were hungry,” he said. “I, uh, I didn’t know what to do and the nurses said that if you wanted to breastfeed them they had to learn how and um, I’m sorry if you feel violated. I promise I have done everything. Change you, bathe you, all of it. No one’s seen much more or touched you in a way you wouldn’t like since the babies came,” he rambled off quickly and apologetically. “And they did skin to skin while you were asleep, but you were asleep so later on when they brought the boys back I laid down and put them on my chest but I don’t really know what that did but I’m really trying not to screw this up, Dee.”

She blinked at him, trying to take it all in. “I’m not mad,” she reassured him as she looked down at the boy suckling away. “Honestly, my breasts have been killing me for months, I haven’t felt this relieved in a while.”

She looked around the room. Close to Aaron were two clear hospital beds for babies. Another baby in a ‘Thing 1’ onesie was dozing off in one of them. Pain rippled through her as she tried to move her arms to hold her son.

“Don’t move, not yet,” he told her.

“I want to hold my son,” she said.

She grunted and wormed her arms up trying to disturb the baby. Aaron placed the little bundle in her arms and smile crept onto her face. Aaron kissed her temple and rested his forehead against her, wrapping an arm around her should. Idina began to hum a tune she had written for Walker when he had been breastfeeding. Technically she and Taye had written them. Or more like they wrote their tunes and fought because he did not think she was writing a wide enough range of styles while everything he wrote did not show off her thirteen-octave range.

Idina could sense something was off with her husband. He sounded desperate when he talked. He was not just tired. She knew him when he was tired, and this was not it. But she could not think to bring it up while he was holding her, resting his chin on her shoulder, and watching his son. It was too perfect to ruin. Soon the baby was gurgling with a small smile on his lips. Aaron took a warm damp rag and cleaned his face, then took him from Idina and burped him expertly before laying him down in his crib. The baby passed out instantly.

Aaron then came back to the bed and with a new rag, cleaned up the milk dribble from Idina then buttoned up her shirt. He adjusted all her pillows and made sure her IV was not pulling at her skin as he pulled her blankets up around her. He planted a million kisses on her as he did so, muttering repeatedly how glad he was to have her. Something was wrong.

“What’s wrong, babe?’ she asked as she pulled him into the bed. It was a bit bigger than the one she had given birth in and if she moved over a bit, there was just barely not enough room for the two of them. He held her as if she might slip away at any minute. “Please tell me,” she said, her mind already starting to wander. There, there had been a third child, hadn’t there been? A girl.

Aaron started to talk slowly. He started with facts. After thing two came, she was still in too much pain. The doctor found a third baby. A girl. It had been awful, taken an hour. Idina had passed out multiple times and was given Adrenaline shots that could barely keep her conscious. At first, they thought she might not get the child out and it would suffocate or drown, but she’d somehow managed in the nick of time. Then Aaron pulled out his phone.

“You were pretty out it,” he said. He opened up the group chat that was keeping everyone updated and showed him a picture he’d taken of her because everyone had been demanding a picture of the new mother despite Aaron telling them they did not want one. Then, of course, everyone went off on him for exposing Idina like that. She was passed out on the hospital bed, pale and hooked up to a bunch of monitors, her hair matted, oily, and unkempt. Aaron’s face changed when he saw it, but he swallowed and continued. “They took the girl to the NICU, she’s still there, she’s stable.” Aaron showed her a few more pictures of the boys being cleaned and, in the hospital, an observatory room with all the other babies. “I finally got to see her a few hours ago,” he said, scrolling through the messages to a video. There was a very tiny baby dressed in an overly large, floral embroidered ‘Thing 3’ onesie and had a bunch of wires attached to her, checking her heart, and breathing. In the video, Aaron cooed at her and tickled her stomach and the little girl giggled and smiled. “She’s small, but everything developed as far as they can tell. She is too small to be let out, but they said she might be able to visit you for a few minutes later tonight. You are not allowed out of this bed for a while. It’s been classified as a traumatic birth.”

“I don’t get it; how did we miss a third baby?”

“I called Felicity. She has a few ideas. It seems that there were two separate placentas, to begin with, fraternal twins. A girl and a boy, then the boy’s zygote split and it the next ultrasound it was a complete split and since there were two babies no one thought it was off. And the boys pushed her up under your ribcage and out of the view of the ultrasound and no one found her because no one was looking for her. They saw two healthy babies and stopped there.”

“Oh,” Idina said, trying to fit everything in line.

“Your mom’s already gotten us a third crib, and your dad brought that onesie and Erika did some of the embroideries, hand-stitched, not programmed. Everyone is here. My parents, yours, Cara. Everyone. I have not let any of them in yet and I sent them all back to the house, but Walker has come in once to see the boys and the girl. He brought you his blanket and Buttons.” Aaron handed her the bear. She smiled and took it from him. “I think that’s everything. Oh, wait, your mom also returned our stroller and order us a custom one for triplets. It should be here in a few weeks. And she is trying to redecorate, but I asked Cara not to let her do that. Everyone else is staying at hotels.” He was walking on eggshells as he talked.

“What’s wrong Aaron?” Idina asked. Aaron just hugged her tighter and kissed her hair. “I’m here babe. You can tell me anything.”

“I. I don’t want too,” he admitted.

“I know how you feel,” she said, trying to turn to look at him but it was too painful. “But you always get me to tell you anyway and I do not have the energy to fight, but please tell me. I’m just going to worry if you don’t.”

Aaron sighed. She knew he was mulling it over as he held her tightly and kissed her cheek. “I love you so much, you know that, right?” he asked.

“I do,” she replied. She wanted to say more, but she knew how it made her feel. Aaron needed her to listen.

“I can’t do this all the time,” he admitted. Idina tried not to react negatively before he finished, but her mind was already going places. “You in a hospital bed. I cannot, Dee. I love you much and I cannot. Sitting by your side, wondering if you’re going to wake up,” his voice quivered, and his words got caught in the throat. “I just—” he sighed “—I just can’t sit by, worried that I’m going to lose you. You have no idea the light you are in my life. When I met you, I was in a bad place. I had given up. I figured I was too old, and I was having a midlife crisis and I never thought I would find love again after Bridgit. Then you came around. I cannot lose you too Dee. And last night, just watching, I couldn’t do anything and I felt so helpless and then every time your grip loosened I thought the worst and I imagined it all in those few seconds, having to tell Walker and Erika and then I realized that no court would place a teenage girl with a man who wasn’t her biological father and if the twins made it I couldn’t care for them all by myself. I know you think I am strong and your big hero, but I am not. I love playing nursemaid when it is not serious, when you are pregnant, or you have a cold. But sitting there in the dark, listening to the monitors and hoping you would continue breathing on your own, I think I reached my breaking point. It is not fair, and I know it is not your fault, but I cannot do anymore hospital, any more bedsides. At least for a while.” He sighed again and pulled her close. “I feel like I say it too much, but I say it because it’s true. I love you. All consumingly. I want you to promise me right now you are going to put yourself first for a bit. You have too. I need it. You are going to go to the scans and ask for medication. They will give you something and we will use formula and you are going to take the medication every day without a fuss so that I do not have to worry about it. Please, Dee? Just visits, not more stays, no more fighting over treatments. I cannot do it. My whole world is you and I can’t be terrified that it’s going to end at any moment.” They were both crying. “I know none of this is your fault, and I’m blaming you for any of it. I’m just asking that you try for yourself.”

She looked to him and wiped the tears from his face. Then she kissed his lips. She never felt so loved and cared for. “I had no idea you were feeling this, I’m so sorry,” Idina said.

“I didn’t realize it until last night. They said you were stable, but I think it was just a compilation of everything. It was like you laying on the floor, passed out after surgery, and on that stretcher being removed from the house all at the same time and all I could think was this might be your last breath or my last moment with you. I could not bear it. I cried myself to sleep. Then I woke up panicked because you were still passed out and one of the machines was screeching, but it was the emergence call button a few rooms down but there was blood on the sheets since you were still bleeding and I don’t think I’ve ever been so terrified. I get it now, why you were panicking and obsessing over the twins err, the triplets, all the time. I’ve been sitting here for hours just praying you’d wake up.”

Idina’s tears were flowing freely. “I never wanted you to feel this way,” she admitted. “I’ll do it, I promise. I will take whatever they prescribe, I promise. No more hospital beds.” She was hanging onto his arm as the world depended on it. “You’re shaking Aaron,” Idina observed. “I’m here, love, I am and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please stay with me,” he begged. His voice cracked.

“I will,” she promised. She meant it. She had no intention of going anywhere, not now with the babies barely hours old. She yawned.

“You can sleep,” he said. “I’m still taking care of you, babe.” He buttoned her shirt up a bit more. She always buttoned it up a bit more before she went to sleep because it was cozy, though she liked it unbuttoned when she was up and moving. It instantly made her feel more tired. “It’s still morning,” he said. “Not even lunch yet. You gave birth to our daughter barely five hours ago.”

“I’m hungry,” she said.

“Food will keep you up,” he replied in a whisper, a deep one that was like a lullaby.

“But I want to stay up with you,” she complained, “I just agreed no more hospital beds.”

“No _more_ ,” he clarified. “You haven’t left this one yet. And you also promised you wouldn’t argue; that you’ll take care of yourself.” He reached over to the table. “I got you a smoothie in case you were hungry, but it’s cool, not cold, and most of the ice had melted.”

He held the straw to her lips. Idina gasped when the effort to suck the liquid hurt more than she had been expecting. And Aaron was on it, directing her and helping her stretch. It was painful, but it was supposed to be good for her and after a few seconds in a new position, she could feel herself loosening up. He rocked her hips and repositioned her arms and legs and massaged her the entire time. When she was done, Aaron crawled back into the bed, this time sitting behind her with one leg on either side. She leaned against his chest and he held her there.

“I don’t care what they say,” he told her. “They’re going to have to drag me out of here now if they can’t give me a good reason why I should leave.”

Idina looked over at the twins. “Who’s who?” she finally asked him.

“I was going to ask you that,” he replied. “You said you had a feeling who was who.”

“Yeah, the heavier one wasn’t as fussy and the lighter one was the fussiest.”

“So, it would be the opposites of their weight then. Thing two was partly smaller because he was sharing some space with thing three, but combined they weight more than thing one.”

“So, our first baby, he’s Soren,” Idina said. “And our second is Zephyr?”

“I think so,” Aaron said. “I mean I could be wrong, but you were the one saying you knew who was who and we shouldn’t just give one of them a name because they popped out first. But I think you are right. Zephyr’s been crying and kicking the most.”

“Zephyr was probably being kicked by his sister, that’s why he was so moody,” Idina said.

“What are we going to name his sister?” Aaron asked as Idina yawned again. She took a few more sips of her smoothie before snuggling and making herself comfortable on his chest. “I don’t think we were looking at girls’ names at all.”

“I just want to call her Perfect Little Miracle and call it a day, but I know that’s cruel.”

“Constance?” Aaron said.

“Hell no,” Idina replied. “We don’t want her to get bullied, remember?”

“Well, I was looking up names and it’s not Portobello so there’s no chance of her getting called Portapotty.”

“We are not naming our child Constance,” Idina replied. “Where’s your phone, we need Google.”

“We can talk about this later too, when you’re not so tired.”

“I want to do this now,” she said.

“No,” he said. “You are going to get some sleep. I will look up some names if you want. And we still need to finalize middle names for the boys. But you are going to sleep right now, or I will have the nurses come in and give you something.”

She sighed. She had promised. “You’ll stay here right and look after me while I sleep?” she asked.

“That’s all I want to do for the rest of my life. Look after you, but not worry,” he clarified. “Your nose is running,” he noticed as he reached over and grabbed some Kleenex, holding it up to her nose for her to blow as he had done countless times during the delivery. He then grabbed a new Kleenex to clean her perfect little nose, then another to wipe around her eyes and dry her cheeks. The routine was like second nature to him now. He hugged her again and asked if she was comfortable before singing her to sleep.

* * *

“Mrs. Menzel?”

“Hmm?” Idina moaned, looking around. “Aaron?” she asked, rubbing her eyes, unable to see him.

“Mrs. Menzel, we’re going to do a check-up before we release you,” a nurse was saying. She shone a light in Idina’s eyes, pulling back her eyelids. “Can you open your mouth please?”

“Where’s my husband?” Idina asked.

“Just open your mouth.”

“Where’s my husband?” she asked, raising her voice. There were three other nurses in her room. No Aaron. The baby cribs were gone, so he was probably with the boys.

“Open your mouth please,” the nurse said. Idina did it dumbly while she poked a prodded. Then she started to unbutton her shirt.

“What are you doing?” Idina asked.

“I’m giving you a check-up,” the nurse huffed. “Then we can release you. Calm down, then you can leave.”

Idina bit her tongue. She wanted to leave, but she felt twitchy and like ants were crawling across every inch of her skin. She closed her eyes as the nurse unbuttoned her shirt, poked at her breasts, listened to her breaths. All the questioned the nurse posed Idina tried to answer calmly and decently, but with each passing second, she could feel herself unravelling.

A nurse pulled the quilt away from and started removing her bottoms and she lost it. They did not deserve it, but she lost all sanity and composure the second she felt a hand between her legs. Her world went dark, taking her back to her ex’s house, back to that night, kicking and screaming.

“STOP IT TAYE!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. She started kicking in every direction and felt a stabbing pain in her gut. She thought she had been panicking, but now she was. He just stabbed her. She was pregnant. He had just killed her babies. She had nothing left to lose.

Hands clamped around her ankles and wrists, strapping her down. The sobs came uncontrollably as she fought against them, trying to get him off her. Nothing worked and she felt his hands all over her, in her, and other things. And people were just watching! Standing around, listening. Not a single person was helping her.

Then it was over.

“What the hell is going on?” someone boomed as it was ending. “Oh, God, Idina oh my god, are you okay?” Aaron was beside her. She flinched away from his as he reached out for her.

“We were giving her a check-up and she started kicking,” the head nurse said.

“She has PTSD!” Aaron yelled. “Holy shit what’s wrong with you she had PTSD you just trigged a flashback. She could have hurt herself. Why didn’t you stop what is wrong with you?” He turned back to his wife in a frenzy. “Idina, Dee, baby, please speak to me.” He started undoing the restraints on her arms and legs. Now free, Idina curled herself up into a ball and pulled up her pants.

“We were just doing our job,” someone said. “We have to clear her before she can be released. She needs some psychiatric help. I am going to suggest we send her to the psychiatrist ward to have her cleared before she leaves. The birth may have messed with her.”

Aaron lost it, his vision turning red. It was a mix of stress, no sleep, and the absolute horror at seeing his wife restrained and naked save for her unbuttoned shirt on her arms mid panic attack. He did not notice that Idina was staring up at him wide-eyed and terrified until his security guard stepped in and someone gave him a sedative while the nurses apologized profusely, saying it was not on her file and they were approaching her like a resisting patient and would not have if they’d known.

He was set down in the chair near her bed. When he stopped shaking, her looking over at Idina. She was still curled up on the bed, trembling and muttering, not looking at him. Aaron closed his eyes and swallowed a sob. Never would he have imagined losing it in front of her. He had been seeing red.

The nurses left the room and his security guard stayed inside. Swallowing his pride, he walked on his knees over to his wife.

“Dee?” he asked softly. She only whimpered in reply, hiding her face. “Dee, please speak to me. I am so sorry baby. I never meant to lose it.”

Idina was still shaking. Aaron paused. He needed to know what was going on in her head. If she was still in a flashback or scared of him. It would make a difference. Carefully, he reached out for her and rubbed her back, talking softly.

“I want to go home,” she sobbed. “And I want my babies. I have been asleep their entire lives. I want my babies.” She was clutching her stomach tightly.

“Can she go home?” Aaron asked the nurse who had stayed behind. The girl quickly ran over to the clipboard and read over it. She nodded timidly. Aaron turned back to his wife. “You can come home, Dee. Let’s get you changed.” At least out of this bed. Moving her from the area would help.

He coaxed her out of the bed. She was holding her shirt closed, so he buttoned it up for her. She was wobbly on her feet and Aaron practically carried her to the chair. She was so much lighter with the babies on the outside.

Still trembling, Idina sat down in the chair, taking deep breaths without Aaron having to spoon feed it to her. Aaron was in an odd situation, not sure he needed to be closer to her or further away. Opting for closer, he crouched by the chair but did not touch her.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I want my babies and I want to go home,” she repeated.

“Okay,” he said. A verbal Idina was a good Idina. “You can come home. The boys can come too,” he said.

“What about the girl?” she asked.

“She has to stay overnight in the NICU,” Aaron informed her. “They want to monitor her over the night. Are you okay? I’m so sorry for yelling in front of you.”

“You scared me,” she admitted, not looking at him. “You’ve never been so mad before. I know you are not mad at me. I was just having a flashback and I think it made it worse.”

He shook his head. “No Dee. It was awful. I was seeing red, literally. I always thought that was an expression, but I have never been so mad before. I’m so sorry, I promised no yelling and I have no excuses.”

“I’m not mad. You were not yelling at me. You were protecting me,” she replied. “Can you hold me?”

Replying nonverbally, he enveloped her in a hug, moving her so that he could sit down and keep her on his lap. He scooted her, soothing himself in the process at it became more apparent that she was doing better.

“What are we going to name our girl?” she asked.

“I have no idea,” Aaron admitted. “What about a unisex name form our list of names for the boys?”

“Did we have any unisex names?” she mumbled. “I don’t remember. And I do not want her to grow up feeling like she was some overlooked surprise and not as important or loved as the boys. We should think up something new for her.”

Aaron pulled out his phone. “I’ve been making some lists with suggestions from people and some names I found online that I liked.”

Idina read over it

_ Me: _

_Lucinda_

_Mandy_

_Odette_

_ Walker: _

_Ninja_

_Bandit_

_Hermione_

_Tabitha_

_ Erika: _

_Arya_

_Annith_

_Luna_

_ Mom & Dad: _

_Dalilah/Dahlia_

_Esther_

_Charm_

_Bailey_

_ In-Laws: _

_Oona_

_Fran_

_Rachel_

“Ninja, Bandit, Hermione, and Tabitha?” Idina asked with a chuckle, reading over Walker’s list.

“I told him not to get his hopes up,” Aaron said.

“Bailey makes me think of a dog,” Idina said, “which scares me because it’s a very human name. In the same vein, I am axing Charm. Your parents know she is a human, right? Not a pet?”

Aaron chuckled. “I’m fine axing all of their suggestions if we axe Fran and Oona.”

“They were next on the too-go list,” Idina replied. “Should we just axe everything our parents say? I don’t want to start a rift because we chose one of their names over the other.”

“I do kind of like Delilah though,” Aaron said. “Maybe we should look into flower names?” Idina shook her head. “Okay, what do we have leftover? Do you have any ideas?”

“I’ve been asleep all day,” she informed him. Idina thought for a while.

Eventually, they found a minimized list, growing and shrinking it as they discovered what they liked and did not like.

Aria, Lucinda, Murphy, Odette, Annie, Heather.

Heather got axed due to having some Broadway ties. Annie soon followed. Eventually, they agreed on a name, then they tackled their son’s middle names.

* * *

Neither of them was keen at leaving their baby girl at the hospital. She was doing so much better. Idina had been allowed to breastfeed her a few times and Aaron took videos of his wife cooing over her daughter, crying from happiness as he did so. She was so small but doing so well and they were not going to complain when they had three children who were alive and breathing and so many people did not get that.

After promising to come back in a few hours and making arrangements for friends and family to stay with their daughter and watch Soren and Zephyr when they came back to the hospital. Aaron warned her that the house would be busy because everyone was worried about her and wanted to celebrate the birth. Kristen agreed to stay at the hospital and text them updates so that they could get a few hours at home with their boys. Helen said as long as Idina pumped some milk she would watch the boys all night if they wanted.

When they walked in the door, each with a kid, they were met by close friends and family, along with a “Welcome Home!” banner and blue decoration at were meticulously displayed with some extra pink ones thrown in.

The boys started bawling almost immediately and Aaron and Idina’s parents led them upstairs to the new nursery they had spruced up now that there were triplets. Idina cried when she saw it. It was perfect, with picture frames just waiting for pictures and a new wooden crib for their surprise with a unicorn mobile. Her breastfeeding chair had been updated to a comfortable white Victorian-style chair that was gorgeous and designed for breastfeeding mothers. Brightly coloured stickers and wall ornaments now adorned the light grey walls, supplying the stimulating colours and shaped that had once been lacking.

“I love it,” Idina sobbed as she stepped inside.

Then she noticed little plaques on the end of the cribs, just waiting for her and Aaron to write the babies’ names on.

Idina and Aaron spent an hour putting the boys down for bed before going downstairs to rejoin the party. Everyone wanted to know the names, but the parents insisted they would only tell once all three children were together. This made everyone a bit annoyed, but Aaron’s mother took it to another level.

His father was quick to tell her to stop, and she did, but she started making passive-aggressive comments all night. It all came to fruition when she announced: “Come on, I finally have a granddaughter. I need to know what to put on the custom-made jewelry box.”

The room went quiet.

Aaron’s dad, Stephen, looked at his wife, giving her a non-verbal warning.

“What?” his mother asked.

“You have a granddaughter,” Aaron said quietly. He was not sure where Erika was, but if she had not heard the comment, he did not want to bring any louder attention to it.

“Well, I mean, the baby’s going to be the one calling me grandma and having girls’ nights out,” Aaron’s mother, Dawn, said. “She’s your real daughter,” she added.

“Out,” Aaron growled, pointing to the door.

“You’re going to kick out your own mother?”

“Yes, out now,” he ordered.

“Dawn, I told you not to say anything,” Stephen said. “Let’s go.” He turned back to his son. “I’m sorry about this Aaron, I have no idea what’s gotten into her recently.

But Dawn did not want to go without a fight. She went on about a real granddaughter, a biological one and it was fine if Aaron wanted to play pretend, but it was not like he would be getting grandkids from the messed-up charity case anyway. Not like it mattered. She was not carrying the family genes or name. Helen stepped in saying a few words in Erika’s defence before Idina begged her to stop and Dawn was pulled out the door by Stephen.

Erika was hiding in her room. Aaron was not sure how much she had heard, but she was laying on her bed in her day clothes, on top of all the sheets and pretending to be asleep. She did not want to talk, and Aaron was not going to push anything now. He just told her that she was loved and safe here and wished her good night.

Everyone slowly trickled out, with a few people staying to look after the children while Idina and Aaron went back to the hospital. They spent the whole night and day swapping sleeping shifts and running between home and the hospital. Their daughter was getting stronger and she was such a smiley and happy baby and she lit up whenever they came to play with her.

Tired and groggy, they were finally allowed to bring their daughter home near midnight the following night. They arrived to find Helen feeding Zephyr and Walker watching a movie with Soren, who had passed out in his seat beside him.

“I’m showing him the dinosaurs, mom,” Walker informed them. “They’re so big, how were they inside you? No wonder you were grumpy. Is that my sister!” He got up and came over, cooing over the little bundle in Idina's arms.

She sat down so that her eldest son could get a better look.

“She’s so cute,” Walker said. “How come you never said she was there?”

“We didn’t know, Pumpkin,” Idina replied. “Scared us both when she started coming. I thought something was wrong. See, it was a good idea not to take the pain medicine. If I had, I would not have noticed when the pain started and we both could have died.”

“Oh,” he replied. “I’m sorry I tried to make you take them I don’t want you to die. I didn’t know you could die if you took them, I’m sorry mom,” he rambled quickly, then hugged her.

“It’s fine Walk,” she said. “I know you were just doing what you thought was best.”

Later that night, when all three children were sleeping, Aaron finished painting the children’s names on the bed plaques.

Idina snapped a picture of the plaques on their place where you could see the silhouette of the sleeping babies through the bars, then posted it to social media.

_The best birthday gift was welcoming Soren Noah, Zephyr Daniel, and Lucinda Aria-Murphy Menzel-Lohr into the world. <3_


	62. Chapter 62

Triplets were a new ordeal. Walker, Erika, and Louie had moved into the basement. Helen had stayed because when they started crying, all three needed to be soothed at once. Soren and Zephyr would cry the second they heard one of their siblings crying or if Louie was barking. Lucinda on the other hand only cried if she wanted something and promptly stopped when her brothers started sharing her wails. However, if her needs were not tended too before they stopped, she had let out the loudest scream imaginable, until the neighbours complained and Idina though her perfect little head might explode.

“She has your lungs, Dee,” Aaron joked as he bounced her up and down, rocking her and trying to calm her down. He had shaved off his scruffy beard in favour of a clean, smooth shave for the babies.

Idina was trying, and failing, to nurse Zephyr. He was bawling because his sister was bawling, and he was hungry. It had been hours since he had last had something to eat. Her mother was feeding Soren with a bottle and Lucida had nursed calmly until Zephyr’s hungry cries had given her a headache. Soren was the only one not in tears.

She hummed a small tune as she dabbed some milk on his lip and her breast, hoping it would encourage him. Finally, he latched on and started sucking like a vampire. His green eyes would go huge as he fed, like a child given free rein of a candy store. Soren had his same green eyes while Lucinda’s were brown like her father.

An ache began to grow in Idina’s breast, but she ignored it. She was not pumping enough, she knew that, but they had more than they needed and Idina could not spend all day finding the right balance between breastfeeding and pumping if it even existed. Soon the boy had sucked her dry and started crying again. She quickly tried to change him to her other and went through the process again of convincing him to eat. Then Soren started screaming because he was full, and Lucinda was still crying.

“Take Cindy downstairs,” Helen suggested. Then Soren and Zephyr could have some quiet time.

Aaron nodded and went downstairs. Ten minutes later the house was eerily quiet. Idina and her mother brought they boys down and they rolled out a playmat. This was Idina's favourite time of the day. They were clean, fed, and a bit groggy since her milk seemed to have some baby knock out juice inside, but they could play for a half-hour before the triplets needed to be put down for another nap, and then, hopefully, they would get a few hours of peace, and maybe even sleep, before it started all over again.

It was midafternoon but Idina found herself crawling to bed with her husband. Erika said Helen could sleep in her room since she was now in the basement and Helen had moved in a blow-up mattress and her suitcase to be closer to her grandchildren. The entire basement now doubled as a bedroom, study room and playroom for their elder children and dog, as well as a bathroom for anyone who did not want to wake the twins up while they were sleeping. Since the one in the master bedroom was soundproofed since Aaron had put in the heated flooring, they were giving everyone free rein of the bathroom for anything that might wake the triplets up. It was a group effort and was going as good as could be expected.

She flopped herself down on Aaron who chuckled. Rolling her eyes, she told him he was her mattress again. Her husband wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her hair, saying he was glad.

“Sure I’m not too heavy?” she asked.

“Idina, when this started you weighed next to nothing. I’m so glad you’re eating.” He kissed her forehead. “Now be quiet and get some sleep, we’re on duty in three hours.”

Idina chuckled and curled up. “I just don’t want you to be in pain because the baby weight’s a lot. You’d tell me if it was, right?”

“Of course,” he replied. “But you’re good. Besides, it is less than three hours,” he continued through a yawn.

Idina yawned too. “Good,” she said as she made herself comfortable. She checked the baby monitor before drifting off to sleep.

* * *

That evening when Erika and Walker came home from school Idina was sprawled out on the floor, playing with the triplets while Aaron was cooking. They took Louie out for his second daily walk when Helen approached her daughter.

“I was thinking we should do a girls’ night tonight,” Helen said as she picked up one of the toys and tickled Zephyr with it. The boy giggled. “I think it would be good for Erika, especially after Dawn’s outburst. We’ll bring Cindy, and Louie too so Aaron’s not stuck with four kids and a dog.”

“I’m not sure,” Idina said as she blew on a fan, then showed it to Lucida who tried the same thing, though only succeeding with Idina’s secret help. She looked back at her husband. “I don’t want to leave him alone.”

“He could call his sister over,” Helen pointed out. Aaron's sister, Remona, had stayed behind to help with her niece and nephews and came over every other day or so to relive them for a few shifts.

“I guess so,” Idina admitted, unconvinced. “It’s not fair that I get to go out and he doesn’t get a break.” And she did not want to leave. Her home was perfect and leaving her bubble was not at the forefront of her mind. “He’s never done babies before. It has only been a week. And Erika’s still studying for exams, I don’t think she’ll want to go.” Idina got out the bubble juice and blew some for the triplets who were overjoyed at the rainbow orbs flying towards their faces.

“Don’t make excuses Dee. You both need time out of the house. You need to destress the most with your condition.”

“Brain injury, you don’t need to dance around it, mom,” she huffed. “This is destressing enough,” she said, pulling a rattle out of Soren’s hand as he was hitting himself and stuff with it. She blew a raspberry at him. How was it possible to love these little guys so much? She sat up and pulled Zephyr and Lucinda into her lap while her mother took Soren.

She and Aaron were writing songs for all of them. So far, they had one for all three, one they swapped the names in and out of while they fed them, and one for Zephyr and Cindy. Aaron had a song he sang to Soren. She started humming a few bars and she bounced around the newborns.

“Zephy and Cindy, being really silly,” she singsonged, blowing kisses at the both of them.

It was not long until one of them got fussy and chaos broke loose. Zephyr needed a diaper change and Lucinda was hungry, maybe, they were not sure, but she was bawling so something was wrong, and Soren probably needed a nap.

Erika and Walker came through the door with Louie, who started barking before dashing downstairs.

“Do they have to cry all the time mom?” Walker asked with his hands over his ears.

“They can’t communicate any other way,” Idina told him and she bounced Soren up and down, trying to soothe him.

Aaron was working with Lucinda and Helen had taken Zephyr to get cleaned up.

“They’re just so loud and smelly,” he said.

“Every baby is loud and smelly,” Aaron replied. “Why don’t you help out and hold your sister while I finish supper?”

“What are we having?” he quizzed.

“Stir-fry,” Aaron replied.

Walker thought for a moment. “That’s acceptable,” he decided, taking his younger sister from his stepdad and sitting down on the couch beside his mother. “He’s still so small,” Walker said. “Was I this small once?”

Idina nodded. Aaron brought back a bottle and Walker to try feeding her and seeing if that worked while Idina hummed to Soren.

Erika came back up from the basement with Louie’s feed bag and put it on the high shelf in the pantry. It had taken a few days, but she was warming up to the twins. She never asked about them nor spent extended periods of time with them, but her good and helpful nature often won out when they were in the middle of a fit. Idina always thought she might have some sort of magic baby touch and was slightly disappointed every time she seemed to be as clueless as the rest of them. Having the magical baby touch seemed something that would be so Erika to have, but as she knew very well, everyone had limits to their superpowers. She did sometimes wonder if the concept of babies made her eldest uncomfortable but had no idea how to bring it up. She just wanted to let Erika know it was okay and that she would not judge her. Maybe a girls’ night out would be a good idea.

“Can I help?” Erika asked.

Idina nodded and handed her Soren. Erika held him at arm's length for a moment, somewhat stunned, then pulled him close and started rocking him back and forth. His wails died down once Lucinda started feeding and stopped wailing. Helen came back out with Zephyr who was hungry now too.

Idina was still self-conscious about breastfeeding in front of her other children, but they both insisted multiple times they did not mind, and the smell of Aaron’s cooking was too good to pass up. She turned away for a moment, until the boy latched, then sat back down faced away from them. Walker came over with Lucinda and sat down beside her, watching his younger brother. He was simultaneously transfixed and annoyed by their existence.

“They eat a lot,” he said. “Like all the time,” he clarified.

“Not as much as you think,” she informed him. “They’re just small, so they can’t hold a lot of food like you or I can, so they need to eat every few hours. As they get older, they’ll be able to go longer and sleep longer too.”

Zephyr finished eating and Lucinda had drained the bottle, so Idina directed that the twins be set down in their hampers in the living room after she made sure Soren was not hungry too. He fed for a little bit, and by the time he was done the table was set and supper was ready. Idina put him down, already looking a bit drowsy since the triplets had an extra-long playtime today. When supper was over, Idina approached Aaron about Helen’s suggestion.

“Go,” he said instantly.

“I don’t want to leave you alone or leave. You,” she explained.

Aaron placed the plate he was scrubbing in the sink and hugged her. “Go, Dee. It is just an evening, go shopping for Cindy. We barely have anything for her. Spend some time with Erika. She needs a study break too. Destress. I know you have not had any episodes, only nightmares, since the birth and you are not stressed right now, but what is the harm in taking precautions, especially now? I’ll be fine here for a few hours.”

She held him tightly. “I don’t want to leave Soren and Zeph either.”

“We don’t want them to get separation anxiety,” he reasoned. “You going away for a few hours, them being well taken care of, then you coming back will help avoid that.”

“It’s not stopping my separation anxiety,” she pouted, still holding onto him.

“I’ve got this, I promise. We have bottles in the fridge, and I can call my sister. You will only be gone for a few hours. You trust me alone with the boys, right?”

“I’m not sure, I don’t trust anyone alone with them,” she admitted. “They were all mine for nine months and now I don’t know what to do to get them back.”

“They’re still yours, Dee, promise.” He nuzzled her comfortingly and pulled her closer. “I’m here for you and them. Have some fun. I have been out a few times, you can go. Everything will be in order when you come back. And the court date’s coming up, so again, destress before it does.”

“But are you sure you will be okay?” she asked, pulling back to look at him in the eyes. “I know it’s hard all alone, especially with two. I don’t want you to get burnt out because there’s no way I can do this if you get burnt out.”

“First, I’m a lot less likely to get burnt out if I’m not worried about you. Second, you can do this. It is hard, but you can do so much. You took care of Walker and you could take care of the triplets. But you won’t have too.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m here.”

She smiled and hugged him again. “Thanks for the pep talk,” she said. “If something happens, you call me right away. Before it happens. My phone will be on and the ringer will be on so there’s no excuse for not calling and texting like the world is ending.”

Aaron chuckled. “I will. If, and only if, something happens. Nothing is going to happen. I’ve got this.”

“You’re so confident now,” she observed. “Only a few days ago you were worried you were going to screw this up.”

“I think I’ve got the hang of it,” he said with a wink. “Now, get changed and have some fun with our daughters.”

His hand slipped down to her butt and he squeezed it with another wink. Idina snorted and swatted at him playfully as he chased her up the stairs. The door to their room was closed.

“Got you,” Aaron said as he pinned her against the door.

“Are you sure I don’t have you?” Idina asked deviously, her hand secretly looking for the doorknob. “Maybe you’re right where _I_ want to you to be.”

“I think you’re trying to take this win from me,” he replied, slowly breaching the gap in between them.

Idina waited until there was a hairbreadth between their lips before she opened the door and stepped backwards. He stumbled forwards into the room as she laughed at him.

“Got you!” she exclaimed.

Aaron tackled her, still caught up in a laughing fit, down to the bed. He kissed her face, making her laugh more.

“I think I have you now,” he chuckled, planting more kisses on her face. “What?” he asked as she couldn’t get a word out in between her giggles, “can’t admit that I won?”

“You… have not... won… this... is. … not over… you… are so… de…dead, Aaron,” she finally got out, trying to stop herself with deep breaths. When she finished, she held one, puffing out her cheeks like a chipmunk, making Aaron chuckle more.

“Draw?” he asked.

Idina nodded vigorously, the air deflating from her cheeks and the room filled with the wonderful sound of her laugh again. She kissed Aaron’s cheek, catching a glimpse at the door where Erika was standing a bit out of the way, looking at them with a small smile, yet the same furrowed brow she had when she was trying to make sense of something. As soon as the girl noticed Idina, she acted like she was just walking by.

“I think we have a little stalker,” Idina whispered. “Erika was watching us.”

“We might be the first healthy relationship she’s ever seen,” Aaron replied. “So that’s another reason why you need to have a girls’ night out with her. Especially with your mom. So,” he said as he crawled off her, “get dressed.”

She smirked. “You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” she teased, throwing a pillow at him. He caught it and tossed it to the couch.

“No pillow for you then,” he mocked. He went over to their closet and pulled out a dress he knew Idina hated. “How about this?” he asked, holding it up.

“No,” she said with an eye roll.

“Then choose something at getting changed. The clock’s ticking. I am going to go and finish the dishes. I want all the women out of the house before I do.”

She shook her head, grinning as she pulled herself up at when to the closet and Aaron left the room, closing the door behind him.

* * *

Helen dragged both Idina and Erika to the strip mall. She figured shopping would solve everything, or at the very least would be a nice change of pace. It was the evening and the shops had not closed yet, but they were only an hour or two left before everything would be shut down. There were few people out, much to Idina’s relief.

Erika was carrying Louie, as he was a bit tired since he had already been out twice and Idina had Lucinda strapped to her chest. The girl was so tiny her head was not very visible to people passing by, but she was growing, and her mother was right, they needed some stuff for her. Neither of them had been prepping for a girl, let alone three children and they were finding out every day there was something they had just glossed over or forgotten.

Lucinda had been barely five pounds when she was born but was now pushing six. Her brothers were pushing nine, having been seven and six and a half, respectively. Idina still found it hard to believe she had just pushed twenty pounds of baby out less than a week ago. It had done wonders for her weight, but her figure was still squishy, floppy, and deflated. It was good there was no one around to notice.

Lucinda gurgled and Idina look down, a smile growing on her face.

“Like it outside?” she cooed to the little thing, stroking a small fist. The baby latched onto her pinkie finger with a death grip. “I love you too Cindy,” Idina cooed, planting a kiss on her daughter’s brow. The baby gurgled again in satisfaction.

“Here we are!” Helen exclaimed as they approached the baby store that seemed to be the target of her escapade. She turned to Erika. “You’ll have to hold Louie the entire time, but other than that he should be fine.” She scratched the dog behind the ear. “He’s such a good boy, isn’t he?” Helen asked, “Aren’t you Louie? You’ve done such a good job with him, Erika.”

“I haven’t done much,” she replied sheepishly. “It’s a group effort.”

“You love him, it goes a long way,” Helen replied. Blushing, the girl tried to hide her face in the Westie’s fur.

Idina wrapped her free arm around Erika’s shoulders before walking into the store. “I love you too,” she whispered to the teen. “I’m so lucky to have both, my daughters,” she continued to no one in particular. “Sometimes it’s the unexpected that brings us the most joy.” She squeezed Erika a bit tighter. Louie barked in response.

The spent a good hour looking through clothes for Lucinda. There was so much, things that would only fit for a few weeks but too adorable not to at least have for those few weeks. Idina did not bother with any toys. They had so much, gifts from friends and family, and it did not matter whether they were blue, pink, or orange. Baby toys were baby toys. They did pick her out a ballerina rabbit plush since both Soren and Zephyr had plush toys from their maternal grandmother and Helen had gotten Mr. Rabbit for Walker when he was born. Lucinda would have had one too had anyone known about her.

“I could get you one too Erika,” Helen said.

“I’m fine, honestly,” Erika replied. “I don’t need one.”

“I’m getting it anyway,” she decided, picking out the purple variant of the one she had gotten for Lucinda.

“You don’t have to make up for what Dawn said,” Erika stated. “She’s right in a way,” Erika admitted, making Idina come closer to her, ready to tell her off on just how false that was before her mother cut her off.

“No, she’s not, and the fact that you think she is right is the reason why I have too,” Helen replied.

Erika said nothing and looking away. Helen paid for everything then put the bag with the purple plush in Erika’s hand. Louie sniffed at it intensely, then decided it was uninteresting and rested his head on her shoulder. Idina came back to Erika’s side and Louie took a prompt interested in the baby. He licked her face and she started bawling, startling the dog.

“She’s a bit too young for that Louie,” Idina said apologetically. “And she’s hungry and maybe a bit poopy too, so it was stacked against you.”

Erika kisses the dog’s forehead and scratched his ears. His tail was wagging eagerly.

They found themselves sitting behind a tree wall at a small outdoor restaurant that had a privacy corner for more high profile guests and a policy that dogs were okay as long as they remained at their owner’s table and did not bark or cause a ruckus. Louie was a good boy and once given some water and a treat was happy to lay at their feet if he received the occasional pet from one of them or their waiter.

Idina went to the bathroom to change Lucinda once they had ordered. Lucinda was still fussing when she came back and figured the girl was either tired or hungry. Since she snoozed in the store, Idina guessed she was the latter.

“It’s it, um, okay if I feed her?” Idina stuttered. This was so uncomfortable still.

“It’s fine,” Erika said. “I don’t mind.” She went back tot eh book she was reading on her Kindle.

“I don’t care either Dee,” her mother said. “I’ve been through it all. There’s no one else here.”

Lucida took a while to latch on, still too fussy to realize that she was being helped. Idina sighed when she finally did. She wanted this over before her teenage male server came back and saw her.

She loved nursing Lucinda. She was not a vampire-like Zephyr or overtly meticulous and fussy like Soren who often preferred a warmed bottle and her father over his mother. She was also so light Idina never felt sore. And she ate more than what seemed physically possible, but it never bothered her. Not to mention she had the lovely brown eyes of her father. Idina hummed to the baby as she fed, smiling. The best things in life were the surprises.

“Excuse me!” a loud woman exclaimed after Helen had left to get to the bathroom, pushing her way past the gate into their private area. “Could you cover-up, please? Oh my God, I cannot believe you are exposing yourself to a teenager, what is wrong with you? You’re going to give her bad ideas.” The woman was overweight and had a botched blonde pixie cut and stood about four eleven. Her make up was caked on her face and Idina sighed internally.

She asked Erika to get the blanket from her bag. She had a feeling something like this would happen.

As Erika did so, the woman came closer, much too close for Idina’s liking, asking all sorts of questions that Idina was not keen on answering.

“Please leave me alone,” she said meekly, trying to defuse the situation.

The woman pressed on as Erika pulled the blanket out from the bag. Louie was now standing up, growling in the slightest bit but the woman was being too loud to notice. Then Erika stood, taking a step towards Idina who freed her hand to help cover herself, but in a turn of events, the girl put the blanket over the banshee’s head.

“What the hell was that for you disrespecting slut?” the woman growled as she threw the blanket off.

“First, no one yells at Idina,” Erika said. “Secondly, you’re the only person with a problem here and you’re not even supposed to be here. Third, how would you like eating underneath a blanket?” She positioned herself so that she was between Idina and the crazy lady. Idina could tell she was a lot more scared then she was letting on from the way her hand was digging into her elbow from behind her back, but Erika had a few inches on the woman and was using it to her advantage.

The woman opened her mouth to rebuttal, but Erika pointed at the gate. “Leave,” she said. “This is a private event and private table.” Louie’s growls grew louder and he was standing in between Erika’s legs, his leash wrapped around her ankle from the commotion.

The stager, suddenly noticing the guard, shrieked, disturbing Lucinda, and making the girl begin to scream and exposing Idina’s nipple. Then the woman took it upon herself to restore her original tirade. Erika, in a sharp motion, bent down, picked the blanket up, and placed it back on the screaming woman’s head. She was so shocked that she stopped her verbal assault for a minute and just stood there swaying in the darkness. Idina could not help but chuckle. Erika looked back at her, smirking too and proud of herself, then Idina went back to focusing on her youngest, trying to calm the babe down for everyone’s sake.

Just as the stranger pulled the blanket off her head for a second time, Helen came back in with some security officers who drag her away kicking and screaming. Suddenly realizing she was the loudest thing there; Lucinda’s wails soon die down and she begins suckling again eagerly.

There was a slight shriek as Erika tried to sit back down, but her feet were so wound up in Louie’s leash that she went plummeting towards the concrete instead. Idina watched in horror as when down face first, her hand raising to protect her face and her palms sliding against the concrete as she broke her fall with her hands and knees.

“Ow,” she moaned as she rolled over onto her butt.

Helen was down in an instant, checking her over. “Just sone scraped and road rash,” Helen informed Idina, but the latter could already see the blood trickling down her legs and arms.

A server came back with their salad and was promptly mortified, leaving to bring back some warm clothes.

Erika was shaking her left hand violently, in clear pain. Louie was struggling to get close to her, his leash still wound up around her feet. Helen undid his leash and unwound it before tethering the dog, who was no in Erika’s lap giving her soppy kisses and making her giggle. The waiter came back was a first aid kit and his manager, who started apologizing profusely to Idina while tending to Erika. He cleaned her hands and knees, disinfected it with alcohol wipes, then out gave her some band-aids which she applied to her liking. She thanked him before standing up and sitting down. The manager apologized again, offering them many things which India said they did not need.

They were left alone with the salad and side dished they had ordered to share since no one was hungry for a full meal. Lucinda was snoozing in her mother’s arms, sucking on her pacifier.

“Are you okay?” Idina asked, still a bit shaken.

“Yeah,” Erika replied with a head nod.

“So, what exactly happened while I was gone?” Helen asked.

“That woman started screaming at Idina,” Erika replied.

“And Erika thought it would be a good idea to put a blanket over her head like as of she was a bird in a cage or something,” Idina followed with a chuckle.

“It worked,” Erika pointed it.

“It did,” the star agreed. She then proceeded to record the events in detail to her mother, making Erika out to be her big hero as they ate.

* * *

When they finally made it home, the boys were sleeping in their downstairs cots and Aaron was passed out on the couch. Walker was sitting on his stepfather’s feet and watching a _Land Before Time_ film on low volume.

“Mommy!” he said excitedly, running up to her and hugging her.

Zephyr woke up and started crying. Soon Soren was doing the same.

“Sorry,” Walker whispered.

“It’s fine,” Idina replied, kissing his forehead. “Why don’t you help out and try and soothe one of your brothers?” she asked.

He nodded and picked Zephyr up from his cot and sat down in a chair, telling him not to cry. Aaron had been awoken by the crying and was picking up Soren when Idina came behind him. She had removed the baby carrier and was just holding Lucinda.

“Erika’s fine,” she said, knowing somewhat that starting a sentence like that always started panic, even if it was meant to be reassuring.

“What?” he asked, turning around. “What happened?”

“She fell on some pavement, just some scraped and road rash. Mom’s getting her some Tylenol.”

“I need more information, Dee,” he informed her, looking around for Erika who was not in the room.

Idina told him, much to his relief.

“This was supposed to be a destresser,” Aaron lectured her playfully, “Idina, come on,” he teased as Soren began to settle. “We should bring the munchkins upstairs. It’ll be quieter.”

Idina agreed and she asked Walker to bring Zephyr up. They laid the triplets down. They were still fussy, but Idina had a feeling they would cry themselves to sleep soon if need be.

Aaron when to seek out Erika, who was in the basement playing _Mario Cart_ with Walker.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied, rolling her eyes. Her hand stung the most. She had scraped a nerve bin, that was certain. Her knees throbbed, but it was not as bad as it had been.

Aaron took her hand and looked it over. Most of it was exposed with a few colourful band-aids across it. “It needs to breathe, but tomorrow we’re going to wrap it properly for the day,” he said.

“I just lost because of you,” she said, pointing to the screen where Walker had won.

“Thanks!” Walker exclaimed. “She never lets me win on this track.”

“You’re more important than a game,” Aaron said.

Erika rolled her eyes again. Aaron smirked. Moody teen. He had never thought a moody teenager would make him so excited and proud.

“Thanks for standing up for Idina,” he said. “I’m glad you were there since I wasn’t.”

“It was nothing,” she replied quietly. “And it was kinda funny anyway,” she said with a small laugh.

“You know she’s going to be obsessing over it for days, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to be begging you until it heels,” he replied. “How’s the knee?”

“Better then my hands,” she admitted.

“Want me to kiss it better?” he asked.

“That doesn’t work,” she informed him.

“I have dad magic, it does,” he replied.

“Mommy magic works,” Walker told Erika. “Maybe dad magic does too.”

“Only if you’re comfortable,” Aaron replied, realizing her might have overstepped.

“Fine,” she said, presenting her palms to him.

He kissed the band-aids, then the ones on her knees. “Better?” he asked.

“Kind of,” she admitted, blushing.

“See, I told you so,” he teased, pulling her into a hug. “Dad magic works.”

“I guess dad magic does work.”

Aaron froze for a second, wondering if she realized what she had just said. Erika had never once used the word ‘dad’ before. Then he squeezed her tighter, deciding not to point it out. It would be his little secret for a while. And by that, he meant until he went upstairs to his wife and rubbed it in her face.

“Don’t stay up too late,” he told them, ruffling their hair. Louie barked, jealous. He petted Louie before going upstairs.

He walked to his bedroom and crawled into bed beside Idina.

“Guess what?”

“What,” she asked, not looking up from her phone.

“Guess who just got called dad?”

“What!” Idina said, almost yelling and turning to face him.

“Shh, you’ll wake the triplets”

“Spill, now. What happened?” she demanded quietly.

“Well, she didn’t say it directly, but I was teasing her about dad magic kisses, like your mommy magic for Walker, and she said that she guess dad magic did work,” he recounted.

“What?” Idina asked again in excitement, tears welling in her eyes.

“So, she didn’t actually call me dad, but she like, _associated_ me with the word.”

“That’s amazing,” Indian replied, but Aaron could see there was a longing in her eyes.

“I’m sure mom will come soon,” Aaron replied. There were tears in his eyes too.

“You do spend more time with her now,” Idina rationalized. “And she has more complications with mom than with dad. You are helping her with driver’s ed and all that stuff. That is an hour a week you two get alone, that’s not fair on my end.”

“True,” he said with a bit of a smirk.

“Stop it,” Idina whined, swatting at him playfully.

“What’s interesting on your phone?” he asked, changing the subject.

“I wanted to show it to you,” she replied, her voice going sombre. “Taye got out of rehab last month apparently, and well, I guess things are crazy now.”

Aaron raised an eyebrow as she handed him her phone. He read the long text wall from her ex.

_Hi, Idina, it is Taye. I got out of rehab last month. I was staying at my parent’s place for a while, but I am going to be leaving the state soon. That is not why I am writing this. I’m not sure how to break it to you but my parents have gone round the bend a bit and I don’t think it’s a good idea or safe for Walk to visit them for a while. They are still very mad about the divorce, which I know you know, but they are also pretty wound up about the triplets (congratz btw). They think it is satanic or something and that is why I left. They are nuts, so I am just warning you. They have graves for the two boys in their backyard. I am worried they might try and take Walk so I would like to ask it if Aaron could take my paternal rights for now. If it would make it harder for my parents to get custody of him if they tried, then I want him too, because they are scaring me and that is saying a lot. Also, as I said I am leaving the state, so I will be selling the house. If there is anything you or Walk want, let me know so we can work out a time for someone to get the things. I know you would prefer it if we did not run into each other. I am so sorry for everything and if there is ever anything I could do, let me know. And please tell Walk I love him. Taye._

“What the…” Aaron asked.

“I have no clue. I want to think that he’s high, but He’s been sober since Christmas or they wouldn’t have let him out and this doesn’t seem like a relapse.”

“I mean I would adopt Walker if you want,” Aaron said, “and if that’s what he wants. How are we going to break this to him?”

“I have no clue. They have graves for the boys in their backyard…” she mumbled. “What if they try and break into the house or something? Or try and hurt the boys?”

“I don’t know,” Aaron replied. “We have a lot of security, so they can’t try anything without being caught. And they are in New York, so that’s a lot of travel to get here.”

Idina took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself before anything happened. “I think he’s being truthful; I honestly don’t think he’s trying to mess with me. He sounds like a concerned father.”

“I think so too, Dee.” He pulled her into a hug. “We’ll sort this out. Let’s wait a bit before we talk to Walker. Everything will be okay, I promise,” he said.


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can anyone tell I listen to the Downton Abbey soundtrack while writing these chapters?

* * *

“You’re burning a hole in my skull,” Erika huffed.

“What?” Aaron asked, suddenly brought out of his daze.

“You’ve been staring at me,” she clarified. “And my hand’s double the size it used to be.”

Aaron looked down. He had been wrapping up her hand with some gauze so that the scrapes did not get infected and had zoned out, thinking about last night. He had managed to wrap her hand in nearly the entire roll.

“Oh, sorry, I was thinking,” he said.

She did not ask about what as he began to untangle the mess of gauze. It was all going to be unusable now that he had touched it and it was no longer sterile. When he was done, it looked a bit like the boxing wraps Idina did when she worked out with the punching bag in the basement or when she used to go to classes.

“It’s a bit much,” Erika complained. “it’s just a cut.”

“That’s the only way I could cover all of it,” he told her. “And a bit much is better than not enough. I just want you to be safe and protected.”

“Are you going to wrap me with bubble wrap next?”

“I might,” he replied. “I’m getting another pack for your other hand,” he told her as we went to the medicine cabinet. He also pulled out some bubble wrap.

Erika was not paying attention anymore, texting someone on her phone. While it was most likely school-related, Aaron liked to believe it was a friend. Sometimes it was, not often, but sometimes. So, he cleaned the scrape, then wrapped it, then did the bubble wrap.

“Done,” he announced.

“Hey!” she exclaimed seeing it. “I need to _write_ my test today,” she huffed.

“Last one?” he asked. She nodded. “Good luck.”

“If I need luck I’m not passing,” she replied. “And I don’t need any,” she said, slightly proud of herself.

“Good for you,” Aaron said with a smile.

“Can you free my hand and let me go now?” he asked.

“’Course,” Aaron replied, cutting the bubble wrap up. “Come one, you can drive yourself to school. Idina will pick you up when the test is done.”

“Okay,” she replied as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the door.

* * *

All of Erika’s tests were done, but she was still stressed. The first proper hearing was today and for the foreseeable future, each party would have the opportunity to argue and prove why they were the better guardian for Erika. She just wanted to scream at the judge and tell them to leave her alone. She was going to be eighteen in less than a year. Who cared?

A lot of people. Four. Five with Walker. Six with Louie. She doubted the triplets would notice. Helen got a half-point. Six and a half people/dogs. That was more than she could count on one hand. She had never needed more than a finger before if she had needed anything at all.

She knew Idina and Aaron knew it was bugging her even if she never told them. Erika never wanted them to feel bad because this was her fault for not properly warning them and now everyone would get hurt. She should have been more instant. She knew this would happen. This was not a surprise, it was a certainty, a guarantee. This had been coming from miles away, she saw it without binoculars, clear as day. Erika hated herself for letting everything get this far, but it had been so much easier than just fighting all the time. The girl was so tired, so done. She just wanted to be loved and safe, even if it was too much to ask. Nothing like that ever existed for her lot and nothing ever would.

God, she hoped Walker would not take it personally. He had less say in this than she did, and no one wanted to tell him it was a lie or a glass house.

“You’re my secret favourite sister,” he had whispered to her one night. “Just like I’m your secret favourite.” Erika could admit she loved him. He was an innocent. There was nothing wrong with him. No matter what, they were good friends. It was uncomplicated.

They were swapping out on an inflatable mattress and the couch. Technically there was a guest bedroom, but Helen had soon moved in there and it had been Louie before that. The dog was not keen on being kicked out, but he did curl up with one of them each night and they’d know if Idina had night terrors because he’d run upstairs barking and waking the triplets, even if Aaron was on it. He did the same for Erika.

Erika actually missed the bed in the room Aaron and Walker had set up for her, but she had tried going up there and found herself being woken up every few hours by restless babies. Now that she was out of school and only had to work at the rollerblade rink a few days of the week, she could afford to do that and help. If Idina and Aaron were less stressed because of the triplets, Idina would have fewer episodes and flashbacks and twitchiness. They would also sleep better. They could prove themselves more competent.

Erika hated her birth parents. Loathed them. She hoped she never got to see them ever. She wanted them to rot and die in a hole. They had been willing too let her and Elsa starve to death when they had been one month and four years, respectively. They deserved so much worse.

Lucinda, Zephyr, and Soren were so helpless. They needed constant attention. They could barely sit up. They gurgled and cried; their mouths not ready to form word-like noises yet. They were two weeks old. Erika and been three and a half. She could not imagine she had been much less of a helpless pudding than they currently were.

Walker was still bummed no one had named Lucinda Bandit Tabitha Menzel. She got to hear all about it all the time. Elsa had once said she had wanted them to call Erika Etta because her book had a girl named Etta. Erika was very glad she was not called Etta. Lucinda would probably be glad she was not called Bandit. Walker was glad no one called him Gaylord. Bandit was cool though, not like Gaylord which was mean.

Being in the house with Helen, Walker, and the triplets and wondering what was going was terrible. She wished she knew what was going on, and what people were saying, but at the same time, she would never ask because she did not want to know if it was going bad.

* * *

“Idina?” Aaron whispered to her as they sat on the bench.

“Yeah?” she whispered back.

“Look, I used to say I would cut off my arms for you, and I mean it,” he started, “but right now I need both of them to care for the triplets.”

Idina blinked at him, confused.

“My hand, Dee, I can’t feel it.”

“Oh!” she exclaimed, looking down to where she was squeezing Aaron’s hand. It was starting to look a bit purple. She loosened her grip and he wiggled his fingers trying to get the blood flowing again. “Sorry,” she muttered, her cheeks turning red. “I’m so nervous,” she admitted.

“Me too,” he replied. “But we’ve got this. We have prepared. We have evidence. We have Erika on our side. This couldn’t be more in our favour.”

“Yeah but they have that stupid thing called genetics,” she reminded him. “And the triplets are alone at home. What if something happens? How can we say we’re good parents when we leave our two-week-old babies alone?”

“Dee, your mom’s there. A sitter’s going to come in a few hours to help her out. Erika and Walker are there. They know what to do. I do not want to leave them either, but we are needed here more.” He kissed her temple. “It’s just for a few hours, then we can spend all day with them.”

“No,” Idina points out. “The stuff with Walker. We’re signing all the papers today.”

“Oh, right, sorry. I completely forgot about that.” His heart started to beat faster. “I don’t mean it like that,” he started even though Idina had done and said nothing. He was panicking. “Like not that I’d completely forget about Walker or anything, just we all mess up sometimes and I swear I love him too and—”

“Shhh, baby, it’s alright,” Idina said, placing a finger on his lips. He kissed it. “We all get those moments, okay? I am not accusing you of anything. I know you love him just as much as I do and just as much as our other four rascals.” She paused. “We have five kids,” she stated in shock. “I just realized that. Five kids. Wow. What happened?”

“Well missy, we fostered one girl, then we got pregnant. And your body thought it would be a good idea to drop two eggs and our son must have been disappointed I made of them a girl and split himself in two. Things happen,” he explained, making Idina snort. The room was quiet and it echoed around, making a few people look at them. Aaron kissed her temple as her cheeks grew redder and redder. “You know, maybe this was my plan all along. Marry an older woman, convince her to have one kid, and hope the fact that she’s old leads to more kids than just one and boom, instant family.” Idina chuckled, quieter this time. “It takes less time and effort on my part,” he continued.

“You evil little man,” she giggled.

“Little?” Aaron asked with a raised eyebrow, nuzzling her neck. “You think I’m little? I’d like to remind you that—”

“Okay, stop it, Aaron, I get it,” Idina gasped through giggles, trying to stay quiet. “We’re supposed to be professional now,” she said when she had stopped laughing.

He pulled her int a hug. “I love you,” he mumbled into her hair. “Everything is going to work out. It’s worked out so far, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she admitted, melting into the hug. “It’s worked out very well so far.”

Their lawyer came back to discuss a few more things with them before the judge came and everyone would have to start giving testimony. The Riveras would testify first. Carlyle stressed that Idina and Aaron had to stay calm and remember that innocent until proven guilty also applied to any conjectures and accusations they made against them. Carlyle promised he could shut down anything during his cross-examination when it was his turn to question them if Idina and Aaron stayed calm. From their last round at court, he had a feeling they would try and trigger either of them or use the outburst against them.

“Maybe I shouldn’t be here,” Idina said.

“You have to be here,” Carlyle told her.

“I have a brain injury and my emotions are still a bit whacky from the pregnancy. I can’t safely say I’ll be able to hold myself back.” She looked up at her husband. “Aaron can vouch for that. I threw coffee at him once and have had countless moody days.”

“You’ll be fine,” Aaron said. “I’m here. It’ll be fine.”

“You will be Mrs. Menzel,” Carlyle told him. “I don’t think they’re going to go out of their way to make outrageous accusations. It will look bad on them. I’m just letting you know there’s a possibility and what to do if it happens.”

“Okay,” she said, nodding timidly.

“These are going to be a tough few days,” Carlyle continued. “But I believe in the case and I know you have a solid case. We just have to get through the storm. It is going to hell, I’m not sugar-coating it, but we will get through this.”

Idina nodded. “Thanks,” she said. They were not paying him to say nice things, just get the job done. He really did care.

Aaron hugged her again. They waited there, locked in each other’s arms while Carlyle talked to Dr. Snow and some of Erika’s teachers who had agreed to testify as well. This was going to work. Idina reminded herself that every second. This was going to work, and it was okay that Lucinda was all alone and not with her. Soren and Zephyr would be okay, but she was not sure bout Lucinda. She was always worried about her youngest. Her smallest. The one who had been suck in NICU and Idina had not seen her until she was thirteen hours old. Lucinda still had to be brought to the doctors every week. She was due back in three days. Idina was worried sick every time she brought Lucinda back that something would be wrong. She had thrown up a few days ago when the doctor had left the room for a few minutes without telling her anything. Then she called Aaron crying only for the doctor to come in and tell her everything was fine. And now she had to defend that she was stable, a good parent. Whether or not it was true Idina was not sure she could do it.

Eventually, the trial started, and Elvira was called to testify. Idina and Aaron were using each other as stress balls, holding on and squeezing each other’s legs under the table where no one could see. Elvira had prepared a speech. Pity me, I am the mother who just wants her child back. She was taken from me and I have been trying to get her back for years and everyone has been stopping me. I have finally cleaned up my act and these holier than thou people are trying to keep her from me. Keep her from her _mother_. Girls need their mother. _My_ daughter needs help and I am the one who can give it to her.

She went on and on, even cried. It was very emotional and had this been a public trial Idina knew her image would be ruined. There would not be much she could say without a court verdict that could not be skewed to make her out to be the villain Elvira was trying to paint her as. Anything she said could be used against her. If Idina argued she was getting Erika the help she needed, she is a rich bigot who does not think someone with less money than she can care for children. She makes any other argument then she is trying to stop a mother from reconnecting with her child.

It seemed to go on forever, Idina’s anger simmering under the surface. She knew Aaron was feeling the same. He was so protective of his family. They both were. They die before anything bad happened to any of their five children. Elija spoke. The hours went by.

Finally, Idina was called to give her testimony. She was sworn in. Her heart was racing as she placed her hand over the Bible and swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It was so surreal, like something from the movies. It felt like something Elizabeth might do, not Idina. Yet here Idina was, doing it.

She took her place on the witness stand, across the room from her husband, staring down the Riveras and their pursed lipped lawyer whom she hated. She had papers in her hand, but she knew her statement by heart.

 _My husband, Aaron Lohr, always wanted a child. I was not keen on getting pregnant and we were talking about adoption. It was something we were considering when I met Erika for the first time. Truthfully, we had been looking for someone younger, and in a few years. None of that mattered the second we met. I knew she was the kid we wanted. I called Aaron that night. He could tell how invested I was, and I knew he wanted this as much as I did. So, we started our long journey. It was hard because I lived in LA and we had to work through both and California and the New York systems, but we made it work. We got our house certified and spent months taking classes and proving we had everything to care for a new addition to the family. Neither of us knew how right this decision was, but every day has been showing us that we made the right choice. I—we, we both get have had the pleasure of watching her grow and mature over these past few months and_ (she choked back a small sob) _I cannot express how much I’ve come to love her. She is an amazing child, my daughter, and I want what is best for her. I understand that it may not be me and should the court rule in such a manner I will accept it, however, I do believe it is with me. The thought of being taken away is not only distressing to me but her. It is also distressing to my husband, a man who has become a father figure to my eldest daughter, and to my eldest son who has been claiming her as his older sister since day one. Erika and Walker share a sibling bond and statistics show that siblings can aid in the development of children, including but not limited to more independence, learning to compete, share, and provide for others. Self-reliance. It also teaches the complications of relationships among colleagues and peers on an equal platform instead of just being exposed to the parent/child dynamic where one has the clear upper foot. Removing Erika from our care would result in immense emotional issues for not just my husband and me, but our two eldest children and I hold strong convictions it would have a profound effect on my triplets as grow up with the shadow of an absent older sister looming over them, especially my youngest a girl. It would affect Erika the most, given her prior diagnosis._

_Erika has been professionally diagnosed with attachment issues, among other diagnoses, stemming from her time in the system and being abandoned at young ages where children are normally supposed to develop trust and parental bonds. This has resulted in a fear of being abandoned and losing those whom you love. Like many children who grow up in the system, Erika had given up on anyone being capable of loving her through her issues. This resulted in many fights during our first few months many of which resorted to petty ad hominem attacks as Aaron and I stood firm in our stance. After which, we were engaged in a battle of wills to see who was the most stubborn and unwilling to budge. During that time, I got the honour of watching her grow and learn. Erika, according to her therapist, had little sense of self or desire, presumably from the years spent believe no one cared for or loved her and that she had no future. Aaron and I got the pleasure of watching her learn what her favourite books and movies were and discovering new favourites or old classics along with her. We also got to see more than just the rock-faced teen. We learnt that Erika was a kind and caring person, so caring for the fact that she often hurt herself from caring too much and we vowed to her and ourselves that we would give her a safe place to express and explore her emotions where she would never be hurt._

_I will give credit where credit is due and thank the Riveras for their sudden appearance, as Erika found the thought of her birth parents, the ones who abandoned her when she was slightly older than my triplet are currently, coming back was so distressing she lost all will to fight and gave up. I do not believe that being placed with people who’s mention brought such a strong adverse reaction that she cried herself to sleep and had consecutive night terrors is in the best interest of the concerned party. As shown in Dr. Snow’s report, Erika also suffers from night terrors, a product of her time in the system. They stem from the violence that she was subjected to and bared witness too, along with her deeply rooted fears of being alone and abandoned. My husband works with many teens in Erika’s situation and had coached me on how to deal with such events. We are both capable of helping her emotionally and physically through whatever traumas that she experiences in her sixteen years in the system and has been doing so for the past ten and a half months. There had been an improvement in the frequency and duration of such episodes, as also noted in Dr. Snow’s assessment._

_Aaron and I love Erika. She is our daughter, as much as Lucinda is our daughter and as much as Walker, Soren, and Zephyr are our sons. We strongly believe that Erika deserves to be with people she trusts and loves and who have the means to help her heal and move on from her past experiences. She can finally see herself with a future and is dreading it being taken away from her._ (Idina chocked on a sob again, losing al composure for a split second). _Please do not take my daughter away from me. I love her to the ends of the earth, and I want to give her everything that is good and just in this world and watch her blossom into an amazing adult. She is so full of potential to do amazing things. She is a talented quilter and she has a knack for teaching people how to rollerblade. I want what is best for her and I know it is with us. We all like to pretend like family is not a choice when we are younger, it makes us feel better about all the shit we must deal with daily. But as we grow older, we learn that it is a choice. Some of the best people in my life were choices. My husband, my children. My best friend and surrogate sister Kristen Bell. My sister Cara and parents, all of whom are people I have chosen to let in and to continue to be a part of my family. I can’t imagine how bleak my life would have been if I was stuck with my crazy aunt whom I haven’t spoken too since I was twelve and she tried to buy my sister and me off our mother. Erika has the chance now to make a choice and has been saying she wants to stay with us. If my argument, opinion, and facts mean nothing, at least listen to her. Let her choose for once in her life who she gets to care about and who she gets to put trust. Let her choose her protectors. Just let her choose._

There was more to say, more fact related, less emotional, but she had to get that out of the way. She needed to list the facts now. They would be scrutinized during the next few days, but facts were facts. She looked back down at her papers a few more times before it was over, just to make sure she was not missing anything.

Idina wiped the tears from her eyes. She stood up and was escorted back to her seat. Then Aaron took the stand. He was sworn in. He talked about Erika’s progress; how proud he was of her. He said many of the same things Idina did. He talked about his fears starting out, and how in her own way Erika had reassured him that he was doing everything right and he was a better parent because of her. He talked about her night terrors, and how she started coming to him and how dangerous it could be to cut off that connection. Idina was crying all over again and trying to hide it. It was nothing like Elvira’s crocodile tears, overly sniffling and dramatic. It was small beaded tears that silently leaked down her cheek every time she blinked.

When Aaron was done, the court was called to recess. Both sides would get the opportunity to recollect and prepare for tomorrow when they would be called to testify, and cross-examined. But not just them this time. Erika’s teacher’s, Dr. Snow, her employer. All of them would be coming forward. The Riveras presumably had people in their corner too, but Idina could not for the life of her know what they had to say. Their case was riding on the poor parents separated from their daughter by the nasty one percent (Idina wasn’t even enterally sure she was in the one percent, she was defiantly up there, but not _that_ up there, at least not after the house and the basketball court, and defiantly not by the time the triplets make it to college unless she gets something much, much bigger than _Frozen_ in the next few years). Maybe debunking that argument would show that the Riveras were incompetent and not doing their research. But then she would have to release her financial record and that would show a plethora of hospital bills she was hoping to keep on the down-low until this was over. No one needed to know about her head trauma. Not yet. As long as she did not outright deny it, she should be okay. If it got out after the case closed, then by the time the courts made anything of it Erika would be eighteen and there would be nothing they could do about it anyways but sue for emotional trauma or whatever. And Idina would sue them right back for the emotional trauma this caused her, made worse by her brain injury. And for the trauma, they caused Aaron, Walker and Erika. She would ruin them if it came to it, and the scariest bit was that she knew she would the second they pushed too far.

Aaron’s arm was tight around her waist as they exited the building. It was raining. He opened an umbrella but used it more to block the paparazzi shots than to protect them from the slight drizzle. There were no words shared between them as the got into their soccer mom van and drove back to the house. They had a few hours before the meetings for Walker. He did not have to come if he did not want to. They would have to face time with Taye so that he could confirm he was agreeing to this along with his attorney signed letter he had faxed over a few days ago.

The came through the door and Idina instantly felt better. She when upstairs and peeked into all the rooms. Erika was reading on the bed, Walker was playing on his tablet, and the triplets were asleep, and her mother had dozed off in the armchair. Idina sighed, wishing the triplets were awake and she could play with them. Maybe they would wake up before she left.

Then she noticed that Lucinda’s eyes were open, and the girl was looking at her. Idina crept over and took her daughter out of the crib.

“Hey there,” she cooed in a whisper. “You’re supposed to be sleeping missy,” she said.

Lucinda gurgled in response. Idina walked out of the room and quietly closed the door before blowing a raspberry at her daughter, who instantly lit up and started giggling. Idina smiled, tickling her belly, and walking over to Walker’s room.

“Hey pumpkin,” she said.

“Hey,” he said, not looking up from his video game.

“Not happy to see mommy?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I’m busy,” he replied.

Idina rolled her eyes and left him alone. She bounced Lucinda in her arms as she made her way over to Erika’s room. The house was quiet, and she could hear Aaron rummaging around on the main floor. When she got to the door, she knocked on the doorframe.

Erika looked up. She was laying on her stomach with her legs up. “Yeah?” she asked.

Idina came in and sat down on the side of her bed. “How are you?” she asked, putting Lucinda on her knee, and bouncing, tipping her slightly from side to side. The baby giggled again, making her mother smile. She was so perfect.

“Yeah, why?” Erika asked.

Idina knew she was lying but did not say anything. “What are you reading?” she asked.

“ _Shadow and Bone_ by Leigh Bardugo.”

“I’ve actually heard of that!” Idina exclaimed.

“Cool,” Erika said nonchalantly. She sat up and moved to be beside Idina. Lucinda reached out her hand to her older sister, clenching and unclenching her little fists.

“She wants to pull on your hair,” Idina warned as the baby often yanked on her lock.

“I know,” Erika said with a small chuckle. She let Lucinda clamp down on her finger. The baby gurgled in satisfaction, then looked up at her mom and gasped her mouth agape.

“I wonder what’s going on inside her head sometimes,” Idina said.

“Probably feeling like a god because she has noise powers that make the big things come and give her whatever she wants. She’s like the queen of the world.”

Idina chuckled. “Yeah, we spoil her too much,” she joked. “She needs to learn to feed herself. Hear that little missy? I am off bounds, get yourself a bottle from the fridge. It’s creepy,” she giggled. Erika was giggling too. Idina tickled Lucinda’s tummy and the baby giggled, then yawned. “Tired?” Idina asked. Lucinda yawned again, still clenched onto Erika’s finger. Lucinda pulled it towards her mouth and started gumming it. “Alright, enough of that,” Idina said, freeing Erika’s hand and hoping she had washed it recently and that Lucinda would not get sick. The last thing she needed was a sick newborn right now. “I’ll go see if she’ll sleep,” Idina informed her eldest.

“Okay,” the girl replied.

Giving Erika a one-handed hung, Idina got up and brought Lucinda to her room. She hummed quietly as not to wake the other who was sleeping as she rocked back and forth and giving the baby a few scatter kisses. Her baby fell asleep in her arms and she was holding back tears as she planted another kiss on her daughter’s forehead. Did she have to put her down? Could they just stay here forever? Lucinda was not going to stay this small forever. Before they would know it, she would be just as sassy as Walker.

The room grew warmer when Aaron entered then enveloped her in a hug, kissing her temple and resting his chin on her shoulder as he looked down at the sleeping baby. Then he kissed his wife’s cheek again.

“Thanks for giving me this,” he whispered in her ear, making Idina’s smile grow. “Thanks for not giving up and pulling through and staying. Thanks for being the strongest most awesome woman I know. Thank you so much for staying,” he whispered, his words heavy as his grip grew stronger. “I love you so much.”

Lucinda grunted in her sleep. Idina’s heart was not big enough for all the things she had to love right now. It would burst and leave her bleeding out with the stupidest grin on her face. Maybe she would give some of it back to the world and make it a better place for the triplets to grow up in.

Turning to face her husband, she planted a kiss on his lips. “I love you too,” she replied. “And I’m here, you don’t have to worry about me anymore Aaron, I promise.” She looked back down at her daughter, “I have way too much to lose to do anything stupid right now.”

Aaron placed his arms over hers and kissed her temple again. “Let them sleep,” he whispered, “I’ve started lunch. We have to go in a few hours.”

Idina sighed. “Right,” she said, putting Lucinda into his crib. She kissed the boys too and made sure her mom was comfortable.

Aaron took her hand and lead her downstairs. It smelt good whatever Aaron had in the oven. She hugged him and held him for a while until the oven timer went off. Louie came bolting up the stairs from the basement, practically ramming into their legs.

“Want love too?” Idina chuckled, picking the hyper fur ball up.

“I think he wants some chicken,” Aaron said as he took the pan out of the oven and pulled out a piece for Louie. The dog practically leapt out of Idina’s arms, tail wagging, eager for a treat.

Once he got his treat, Idina let the dog down. She set the table while Aaron when upstairs to get Helen, Walker, and Erika. They had a small meal before Idina and Aaron had to leave again. The triplets did not wake up, much to Idina’s disappointment.

They both got a large bear hug from Walker, who was still sad that Grandma and Grandpa Diggs were not allowed to see him right now. He had been less upset about Taye giving up his parental rights than they had been expecting. They had even been able to talk to him about changing his last name, just to Menzel and adding Diggs in as a middle name.

“Wait!” Walker called out before they left. He gave Aaron another hug. “Thanks for stepping in for dad and making mom happy,” he said as he squeezed his stepfather tighter. “And keeping me safe and always being nice.”

Aaron lifted him up and held him tightly. “I love you Walk,” he said. “I’m going to do whatever I can to keep you safe.” Then he pulled Idina into the hug. “To keep both of you safe.”

“We have to go,” Idina reminded them both. She kissed both her boys on the cheek. “We’ll be back soon, ‘kay Walk? You going to keep your sibling safe?”

“Yep!” he exclaimed, flexing a muscle.

Idina poked it. “Getting strong there, little man,” she said as she ruffled his hair.

“Mom, can you go to the car, I want to tell Aaron a secret.”

“Is it a good secret?” Idina quizzed.

He nodded. She turned to Aaron, who shrugged and handed her the keys.

When his mother was gone, Walker whispered to Aaron that he had been thinking about asking Aaron to adopt him but did not want to hurt his dad’s feelings.

“Don’t tell mom, it’ll make her sad,” he made Aaron promise. Aaron crossed his hear and kissed Walker’s cheek.

Then they were off. It took an hour. Taye was on video call but Idina had been allowed to leave the room during that portion. They signed all the paperwork, changed Walker’s name, and paid the fees for the new passports and papers that would be sent to them in the next few months. Taye sent her text saying that you and promising he would deal with any backlash. Idina drove home in a bit of a stupor and walked through the door to crying triplets and barking dog, soon forgetting all her troubles.


	64. Chapter 64

Idina woke herself up from a troubled sleep only to find that Aaron was dead asleep beside her, his arms wrapped around her waist. He was mumbling in his slumber. She smiled, stroking his hair.

“Mm, yes,” he mumbled again. “I love you,” he said.

Leaning closer, she whispered in his ear: “Dreaming about me honey?” she asked, a grin growing on her face.

“Mmm,” he muttered, followed by something about chocolate.

Idina smiled and kissed his temple.

Settling back in beside him, she pulled his arms up prompting him to pull her closer. There was always too much space between the two of them. Even if their hearts were melted together Idina feared they would not feel close enough. She figured they must be attached on some spirit level that could never be rivalled by a physical connection, no matter how hard they craved it so they settled for as much contact as they could get.

In truth, were they ever really touching? Technically, on an atomic level, they were not. they felt as touch was mealy the repulsion of their atoms pushing themselves away on the macro scale it left and looked like they were touching yet their atoms never truly touched. Maybe they could sense it deep down, the fact that they were constantly disconnected from everyone and everything and were desperately hoping that if they were strong enough, they could break it.

 _Shut up Idina,_ she told herself.

She got out of bed and decided to check on the triplets. She could never really touch them either. Looking over the cribs, they were all deep asleep on their back in their “things” onesies. Aaron loved those little pieces of clothing to death. The two boy ones with those _The Cat in the Hat characters_ had been his first dad joke, or so he said. Because they would be just as useless and as cute and the things from there. Idina thought it was adorable too. And Lucinda’s floral and made by her dad and embroidered by Erika was perfect too in a pastel pink with purple roses and black cursive lettering. The second picture they had shared with the public with their triplet’s faces had been with them in these onesies, just so everyone knew who was who even though to anyone on the outside Soren and Zephyr looked like the same baby. Lucinda, when her eyes were closed, was a bit like their mini clone. They had not yet started growing into their features, though they had ideas of who would look more like whom based on baby pictures. Lucinda was going to be for the most part a mini version of her father, though when compared to Walker baby pictures all three did seem to have their mother’s cheekbones. Either way, she had made the four most adorable children in the world. If she had anything that was it, the ability to push perfect little babies out of her womb. Or did she really? She had five miscarriages. She was on four out of nine children. Maybe Lester Friday had been right to some degree. She had five kids now, maybe they were all make-ups for the ones she lost.

 _Stop thinking that way,_ she told herself. It would not help. Her children were her children, her success. Her failures were hers too, and they had made her a stronger and better person. No one could argue she had not loved, not done amazing things in her lifetime.

“And you three are some of them,” she whispered to the sleeping babies.

The nightlight made little blue dolphins circle around the room. She sat down on the white armchair and closed her eyes for a moment, just smiling. Bringing her knees up and sitting down cross-legged, she tried imagining life when she would be fifty. It was less than a year away, yet Erika would be eighteen by then and the outcome of this trial could not force her to do anything one way or another. It would affect their relationship though. The triplets would have their first birthday party and she her fiftieth. Aaron would be forty-five. God, she wished she were still forty-five. Maybe things would be a bit easier if she were not halfway to one hundred. And if she were still forty-five and had already lived the same life and spent as much time with Aaron, she would not have wasted so much time with Taye.

No, she had not waisted her time with him. She had come out, through the pain and the grief, a stronger and better person. If he learnt nothing from their time together, then he had waisted it. She gained the knowledge she wished she did not have, but that she used to shape her life going forwards. And nothing that resulted in Walker was a waist. Nothing at resulted in anything good was ever a waist. Nothing that resulted in growth was ever a waist. She had not waisted a second of her life, and she was turning a new chapter, ready to make more of it.

Quietly, Idina made her way back to her room, but not before going to the basement to check on Erika, Walker, and her mother. Using her phone as a flashlight, she journaled for a while. Just writing down all the good stuff. Then her musing about never truly touching. Then more good stuff. It was full of so many dark things she wanted there to be some good stuff. Then she flipped through the entries. Her twitches seemed consistent with her averages before, but she had fewer flashbacks and memory lapses which seemed to be linked to her decrease of stress and overall good mood. She flipped back to the page she had been writing on a drew a big heart, then printed the names of everyone she loved. _Walker. Aaron. Erika. Lucinda. Soren. Zephyr. Louie. Mom. Dad. Cara. Old Taye (Walk’s Dad Taye). Grandma. Grandpa. Kristen & Dax. Lincoln & Delta._ She filled it in as much as she could, and when she was done, she put in into the drawer and snuggled up beside her husband. Instinctively he hugged her and pulled her close and mumbled something in her ear.

“What love?” she asked through a yawn.

“You taste like chocolate,” he muttered, his lips brushing her skin.

“’Course I do,” she said. She would give anything to be in whatever dream he was having right now. It seemed like heaven. Much better than her own dreams.

“’Dina-Weena chocolate queena.”

“You’re awake, aren’t you?”

He chuckled and she turned over, hitting him with her pillow. “So? What if I am?” he asked, sitting up and pulling her into his lap. He started kissing her neck. “Still taste like chocolate,” he said.

“What on earth were you dreaming about?” she asked.

“You,” he replied.

“Okay, but what exactly about me? Come on, I know it was some kind of fetish or kink dream, you were talking in your sleep.”

“Just you Dee,” he replied. “You’re my fetish and my kink.”

“Ew, gross,” she whined. She kissed his lips because they were the best thing in the world to kiss. “You never tell me what you dream about,” she huffed.

“I told you, it’s just you.”

“I’m narcissistic,” she informed him. “I must know of any dreams involving me. Come on, we both know my Disney career is the only that matters and all dreams about me must be fed to my ego lest it takes over the world. You are saving the world here, super dad. Keeping Idina’s ego at bay. Now,” she said, pivoting in her seat and looking into his eyes despite the lack of light. “Spill.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “It’s kind of embarrassing and um like it said you’re in it.”

“Tell me,” she ordered. She pressed the back of her hand to his cheek. It was warm. He was embarrassed!

He took her hand in his and kissed it. She coked her head expectantly. Who cared about sleep now? They needed time to just talk and be silly anyway. And she wanted him to hold her for just a little while longer. She missed this. They both did; just the two of them, alone in the dark, talking about whatever they wanted to talk about. It was their partnership at its finest.

His lips brushed against her ear as he told her about his dream. She had been right; it was heaven. She wanted him to do everything he had done in the dream to her and more.

“Now I’m embarrassed,” she said. “I never have such nice dreams about you,” she said with a pout. “I want to. Mine suck.”

“You’ll get over the bad ones,” he comforted. “It just takes time.”

“Everything takes time,” she huffed.

“That’s why it’s the most precious thing we have,” he said. “And why we can’t do anything to get any more of it. If we could, it would not matter. I want to spend as much time as I have with you and our family,” he informed her. His hand went down to her abdomen even though there were no longer babies floating around inside. The gesture was now comforting and habit. “I love you,” he said as he rubbed circles with his thumb. “Do you need a back massage? Are you cold? Are the triplets all right?”

“No, no, and yes. Everything is fine. Are you all right?” Idina pulled her husband into a hug.

“Yeah,” he said, but she did not believe him. He hugged her tightly and she rubbed his back.

“You can talk to me Aaron, I’m here. I love you,” she said, unsure what to do. This was his territory and now the roles were reversed she felt helpless. Maybe he felt this way too whenever she was like this. Was that it? “You don’t have to worry about me right now babe. I promise, okay?”

“I know,” he said, still clinging to her. He kissed her temple and sighed. “You sure you don’t need anything?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m sure, I promise. I’m high on life right now.”

“What were you journaling about?”

“How much I love everyone,” she replied. She freed an arm and reached over to her nightstand, turning on the light and pulling the journal out of the drawer. She showed him the long entry and the heart.

He read over it as she rubbed his back. His shoulders started to shake; he was crying. Idina wrapped her body around him and let him cry. She kissed him and held him, letting him know she was there.

“Sorry,” he said when he was done.

“Don’t be,” Idina said even though she still had no idea what was going on.

“I love you,” he said again.

“I know,” she replied, taking his face in her hands, and pressing her forehead against his. She wiped away some of his tears. “I know, babe, okay? Everything okay, right?”

She felt him nod. Then, suddenly, her hand seized, and she inhaled sharply as her elbow ground into his rib.

“Dee?” he asked, completely ignoring his side. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she grunted, “my’ arm’s just, well…” she sighed, trying to relax and let it pass.

“I’m on it, babe,” he told her, giving her arm the space it needed.

She swore as a splintering pain rushed through her veins and her fingers twitched uncontrollably. He took her arm and slowly started to massage it as the spasm subsided, but she was quickly hit with a second one.

“Lay down,” he said. “Maybe it will help,” he offered as he tried to help her lay down.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “This was supposed to about you and now I’m making it all about me again.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said.

“But it feels like it’s my fault,” she replied. It did. She was dumb to have gone to Taye’s. To not have done something. This could have been prevented if she had just waited or him to call her back when he had sobered up a bit.

He laid down beside her. “Better?” he asked after a minute.

“Yeah,” she breathed, sitting up again. “Thanks, you’re amazing, you know that, right?”

“I am,” he replied.

“Are you all right?” she asked him again, sensing the change in his tone. She prompted him to sit up with her and let his rest his head in the crook of her neck while she rubbed his back.

“Well, I mean I am and I’m not,” he explained.

“I get it,” she said. “Is this still about the hospital?” she asked as he hugged her again.

“Mhmm,” he admitted. “I don’t think I got any time to breathe and sometimes it just comes back.”

Idina hugged him. “It’s okay,” she said. “I get it. It is okay, I promise. I am here, I promise. Let’s take some us time,” she decided. “We can go downstairs, watch a movie. Work out. Something together. I’ve got a bunch of postpartum workout books if you’re back and groin are bugging you or if you’re having cramps and stuck in a perpetual period until your body finally sorts itself out,” she said with a chuckle. “We can run on coffee for a while, it won’t kill us. And when the triplets wake up, we will play with them for a while and when they fall back asleep, we can bring them here instead. It helps. Why do you think I crawl into bed with Walker sometimes? People say you’ll make the babies reliant on you to sleep, but I think what happens is you become reliant on them.” She kissed his temple. “I guess we could see if Walker wants cuddles, but he probably doesn’t. You could see if Erika wants cuddles, but I don’t think it’ll go over well.”

They both chuckled and he agreed. They went downstairs. Idina turned on the TV and turned the volume down as low as it would go. Sitting her husband down on the couch and wrapping him in a blanket, she kissed his brow, then went to make them both a cup of coffee. Better to start early since the triplets would wake up eventually, and then they would have to be soothed and played with and otherwise cared for until they tired out. By then they would get an hour or two of sleep before they would have to get up again and do their daily duties as mother and father. Helen always told them to sleep in since they were doing most of the overnight, but neither of them wanted Walker or Erika to feel like the triplets were the priority, especially now.

Aaron rested his head on Idina’s shoulder as he flipped through the channels looking for something interesting. Eventually settling for the aquarium channel, he turned to his wife and asked if they could just talk or something for the next few hours. Of course, she agreed with a smile.

“But not about the trial, or anything like that,” he said. “I’m not sure what else there is to talk bout, but let’s make something up.”

“Okay,” Idina replied with a small smile. She kissed his brow again, thinking. “Um, did you know that bees don’t sting hive invaders, instead they surround the invader and vibrate until they raise the body temperature of the threat and it dies. Also, um, female peacocks exist and are called peahens.”

Aaron chuckled, kissing her temple. “Thank you,” he said. “Yes to the first one and no, kind of, to the second. Knew they existed; did not know they were called peahens.”

“You need to read that animal facts book we have for the triplets then,” she replied.

They sat and talked until they heard crying from upstairs.

“Go time, daddy,” Idina whispered to her husband, making him chuckle.

Aaron was smiling again and seemed in better spirits as they went to the nursery. The babies were wide away and ready for the next few hours. Idina yawned as she picked Soren up and rubbed noses with him, calming him down.

“Whan are you going to start sleeping nights little man?” she asked the clueless child. He stared up at her with her wide green eyes and show wondered where the genes were on Aaron’s side that let them come out so emerald. Maybe it was all the times Walker had painted her face green. “I love you so much,” she continued, bouncing him up and down.

Aaron was sitting in the chair with his two younger siblings, one on each knee. “Neither of them seems to need a diaper change,” Aaron said. “But maybe we should do it anyway.”

Idina nodded and smelt Soren diaper. “This one does,” she replied.

Together, they managed to get the three babies downstairs to the laundry room without dropping anyone. It was achieved by Idina cradling Soren and not watching as Aaron stood up with a baby in each hand pressed against his collarbone securely.

Idina yawned as she changed Soren’s diaper. “this wasn’t how I imaged my life at forty-nine,” she muttered.

“To be fair, I thought I would be done with diapers too, not starting. I guess it’s not too late for anything yet.”

“Yet,” Idina echoes. She yawned again.

“If you're tired, you should get some sleep.”

“I’ll have some more coffee,” she said.

“You can’t have more, you are breastfeeding,” he reminded her.

She pouted and sighed. “Yeah,” she said.

Soren yawned, but she was not sure if it was because he was tired or because he’d seen her yawn. Either way, they needed to get them sleeping through the night. It was still early, but three hours here and there would not work for much longer. Idina could already feel it in her bones and she knew Aaron was not far off. They were too old for three newborns. Already they were trying to keep the triplets up long enough that they would sleep soundly They’d made it to five hours once, but it had been hell and a half beforehand and they’d given up for now. But the kids were calm, maybe still a bit groggy. Idina figured if she fed them, they might pass out, so they brought the triplets back to their bedroom like they had said they would.

Taking off her shirt as Aaron adjust the pillows Idina sat down cross-legged on the bed. Luckily, it seemed the triplets were hungry and only hungry. She fed all of them with Aaron sitting on her side holding the other two and kissing her bare shoulder.

“I love you and them so much,” he said. “And you gave me them. I know it was your birthday but honestly, I think I got the best gift in the world that day.”

“Me too,” she replied. “I guess technically you gave me your sperm before my birthday but holding them for the first time was the best gift as well. Thank you,” she said with a small chuckle. She looked back down at the baby, suckling away.

Soren was already drowsy in his father’s arms while Lucinda was looking around the room with wide brown eyes. The babies were not in here often, so this was new territory for them. In the morning, they would want to explore.

Aaron deposited the blanket on the ground so that there was no danger of any of the, suffocating on it while Idina laid their sleepy triplets down in the middle of their bed, then laid down balancing on the far side. Aaron did the same on his side. They smiled across the bed from each other as Idina kissed the back of Lucinda’s hand and Aaron gave Zephyr a belly rub. Soren was already asleep, his pudgy little cheeks placid and adorable. Idina leaned over Lucinda to kiss him as well. He gurgled, his clenched fist moving the slightest bit.

“I told you this would help,” she whispered, and Lucinda grunted and reached up for her. “Yeah Cindy, mommy’s talking,” she cooed to the baby, kissing her brow.

“Ah,” Lucinda said. “Ah, ah,” she repeated, a small hand reaching out.

“I don’t know what that means silly bean,” she said, “but you have to sleep now. Daddy’s having a bad day, so you guys get to sleep with mommy and daddy right now ‘cause Erika and Walker are too old for cuddles.” She started humming a tune and soothingly stroking her baby girl. Aaron soon joined in; calming Zephyr who was starting to feel excluded. Slowly, everyone drifted off to sleep.

~

“Idina!’

“Hmm,” Idina muttered. The baby beside her started bawling with an ear-piercing shriek.

“Idina Kim Menztel you scared the living daylight out of me!” her mother said.

“What?” she asked again, her head pounding. More babies started wailing.

“I thought something happened to the triplets and here they are in your bed,” Helen scolded.

“They’re our babies, mom,” Idina huffed with an eye-roll. “I pushed them out, I can sleep with them if I want too. Or if Aaron wants too.” She picked Lucinda up. “Don’t cry Cindy-Lou,” she said, “Grandma is just mad at mommy, but mommy’s fine. Aw baby, please don’t cry,” she soothed, bouncing the girl up and down.

Helen took Soren while Aaron tried to calm Zephyr.

Walker came into the room, hands over his ears and crawled into bed beside his mother and cozied up beside her. Idina put her free arm around his eldest son.

“Why do they get to sleep with you?” he asked.

“Because we want them too,” Idina replied.

“I want too,” he whined.

“Then come in and cuddle next time,” Aaron told him.

Walker crossed his arms and put on a sour face. “Maybe I will,” he retorted with as much sass as he could muster.

Aaron tried to mimic him with a baby in arm. “Maybe you should,” he said, wobbling his head and everything.

Idina snorted, shocking Lucinda so much she stopped bawling and started laughing. The laughter grew contagious and soon all thee babies were giggling. Idina tickled Walker’s belly to get him laughing as well. Rosie-cheeked, everyone went downstairs to start the morning.

~

The second day of the trial was more testimonies. Idina and Aaron listened quietly, squeezing each other’s hands. There was not much they could do for the next few days. It was all in Carlyle’s hands. He was blunt and abrupt.

“Do you understand that Erika needing therapy is a direct result of your actions?” he asked Elvira.

“We don’t know that,” she replied.

“So you are saying she may very well be in therapy if you had parented her,” he clarified.

“It’s just her disposition,” Elvira said, “and she was not in therapy until Mr. Lohr pushed it on her. Do we even know if she needs it or if they are just making it up?”

“I would like to remind you, Mrs. Rivera, that innocent until proven guilty applies. Unless you can prove that there was malicious intent in signing Erika up for therapy, please answer the question.”

“She only needed it once she met them,” Elvira argued.

Aaron squeezed Idina’s hand, hard. It was a good thing Erika was not here, but she would have to come later in the week.

“Your honour,” Carlyle said, “the plaintiff has no understanding of the emotional trauma she caused Erika Rivera by abandoning her, whereas the defendants have been working for almost a year to help her learn how to cope and function and we have proof that it is working.”

“It’s not my fault some twat decided not to adopt her,” Elvira retorted. “She just needs to get over it, everyone gets rejected.”

Carlyle was not there to lecture her about morals. He was here to prove a point. “Mrs. Rivera,” he said sternly, “you abandoned a one-month-old baby and four-year-old girl. If it were not past the statute of limitations, this would be a very different trial. Do you take responsibility for that and the consequences?”

Elvira was silent. She had not yet admitted to it; she was still playing the pity me, the mother who only wishes to reconnect with her child. Admitting she abandoned both her children would ruin it.

“This is about who is the fit parent _now_ ,” Elvira said. “I made mistakes, now I wish to atone for them. I am a fit mother now and that young girl needs to be with her parents. Not a bunch of strangers who see her as some sort of charity case or free labour.” She went off on a rant. The judge stopped her.

Carlyle was dismissed. The cross-examination was over, and the Rivera’s lawyer came back up to the stand to give Elvira the chance to clean herself and her case up. Her lawyer was still playing into the pity me, have emotions case. It was compelling. Idina knew she would have done the same thing if she and Taye had started a custody battle over Walker. By the time it was over it felt like everyone had just forgotten what had happened. They were silver-tongued manipulators who did not stand up well to factual scrutiny.

The next few people to speak where character witnesses for Elvira and Elija, including the CPS officer who inspected their house and their situation with their five-year-old son and determined that they were capable parents. The best, who the best was, would be determined by the judge still. But now they had some equal footing. Neither Idina nor Aaron liked that one bit.

They when home emotionally exhausted. The sitter was over and helping Helen with the triplets, Walker was playing videogames, and Erika was at work Both of them wanted to hug their daughter the second they walked through the door, but they had to wait for her to get back.

A few hours later, Helen had started supper and Idina and Aaron had sought emotional comfort with their triplets, they heard the keys rattle in the door and Erika walked in. She never asked how it went because she did not want to know. But she knew it was not going perfect when Aaron hugged her and said he loved her. She hugged him back and thanked him for everything. He never had to do anything for her, yet he was doing everything.


	65. Chapter 65

Idina hated the trial. It was the last day of testimonies and Erika had to go in with. It was stressing her out and she had her journal to prove it. It took her away from her newborns who needed her right now. There were so many important things happening in their brains and she and Aaron needed to be there for them. And though she hated thinking it she had a sinking feeling if she did not connect with them properly, they’d have issues like Erika’s and she did not want any of them to have issues like Erika’s. By looking out for one kid she was potentially hurting the other and it was just too hard. She wanted to shut herself in a room and scream. Not to mention she had to put up with ours of being constantly insulted and belittled and having her parenting brought into question. It was already an insecurity with everything that happened with Walker, she did not need a reminder she might be skewing up her other four children.

Also, she had a doctor’s appointment, the first one after the birth. She was terrified. They were going to put her on medication and then she would have to hide it from the triplets and the courts and—

“Dee,” Aaron said from the driver’s seat. “It is going to be okay.” He reached over and rubbed her shoulder. “You’re not broken, your brain is not broken. It is just an injury. Like when you get hurt and it takes some time to heal, and sometimes there is something left over that does not heal. it does not make you less of a person. You take Advil when you get a headache, you’re going to take whatever they prescribe you because it helps.”

“And I promised I would,” she added, taking a few deep breaths. They would see the doctor, do the tests, get the prescriptions, get out, fill the prescription, calm down with the triplets, and finally go court. So far, this was ranking on her top ten worst days of her life.

When they made it to the clinic, she stood outside the door petrified like she was five and about to get a shot. Aaron took her hand.

“Come on, Dee,” he said softly. “We’re on a timer. And it _will_ help you get better. You want to get better, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she said, taking the initiative and opening the door.

The receptionist greeted them instantly and told Idina an aid would be there shortly to prep her for the scans. They were going to do two more today, just to see her progress and to help them determine what to prescribe her, but no one was expecting anything to turn out much different than the last one she had done.

Aaron gave her Buttons as she changed into the gown and kissed her forehead. “It’s going to be alright,” he said.

“The scan or Erika?”

“Both,” he replied. “She wants to stay with us. What can trump that? We have a cognitively sound seventeen-year-old saying her uncoerced preference is to stay with us, the people she has lived with for ten months, and known for longer. Or she’s known you longer.”

“Worst comes to worst we have can just start throwing money at the problem,” Idina said. “Maybe we’ll hit one of them in the head with a stack of bills and they’ll decide they don’t want her anymore. We have more ammunition.”

“I don’t think that statement is meant to be taken literally.”

“I’ll take it literally if it lets me keep my daughter,” she snapped harsher than she had meant too. She was not mad at him; she was mad at the situation. He knew that and let her outburst slide. “Sorry,” she said anyway.

He kissed her forehead again and gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. “You got this baby girl,” he said with a wink. “Now go in there and give them a mind-blowing brain scan and get a butt-kicking prescription, then we’re going to go fight for our family.”

Idina snorted and tossed the bear at him. He handed it back to her and sent her off, pulling up his shirt when the nurse had her back turned just to give her something mind-blowing to think about.

When the scans were done Idina changed back into her sweats and got out her journal, making sure her logs were in order as well as any other paperwork she needed.

“So,” the doctor said, closing the door behind him and taking a seat. “I’ve been reviewing your files and there have been some minor improvements.” He continued, showing them the two different scans and explaining how the red part had gotten smaller, but the green part had gotten darker and that meant a bunch of neuroscience stuff neither of them understood, but to dumb it down to their level this was now their new normal. It would not be getting any better or any worse. At least by all logical accounts, they could always pray for a miracle. “Unfortunately, all we can do is treat and manage the symptoms. Until we can build a new brain, I am afraid that is all we can do right now. The easiest would be the muscle spasm. We can put you on some medications that will calm your nerves. We can’t target your arm specifically, so there will be some side effects such as numbness and decreased reaction time; you will not be allowed to drive on these, however, they should stop the spasms. Should you wish to do a harsher treatment we may be able to rebuild some of the nerve connections that were damaged. You might also see a decrease in spasms without medication as your muscles continue to heal, but without medical intervention, the disconnect in your nervous system will remain permanent.”

“What about the memory loss episodes?” Idina said. “Those are the most crippling, is there anything I could be put on for those instead? I don’t think the spasms are affecting my daily life as much as those are.”

“There are,” the doctor replied cautiously, “however those drugs are much harder on the body and have more severe side effects. The only ones I am willing to recommend to you in your situation are trial drugs, as I do not think anything else will have much of an effect. They work similarly to anti-depressants, trying to stimulate the desired brain function. However, the list of side effects is long, and again, these are trial drugs, so the risk is higher. There is financial compensation for agreeing to take them. Though if I am not misinformed the cost is not something you are worried about.”

“It’s not,” Idina confirmed.

“I’ve also noticed that stress seems to increase the severity and number of episodes. We could take the route of treating your stress and sleep and seeing if that does anything. This would require of course a strict sleeping schedule as well as some laxatives and anxiety medication. I can refer you to another clinic that would give you the proper phycological evaluation. However, I do not see this working out long term as we would not be treating the symptoms, only the situations that may make them worse. And it could lead to more intense episodes, though less often.”

She looked over to Aaron. “What should we do?” she asked him.

“It’s up to you Dee,” he replied. “Whatever you think will help the most.” She knew what he wanted her to take. Something small. He wanted her to take something, but not just anything, especially if it was high risk. But they had planned their day so that they had hours to sort this out.

“If something happens to me you are going to have to deal with it,” she said. “What are you comfortable with, keeping in mind we have newborn triplets, a teenager, and a boy who’s already acting like a teenager?”

“Idina, this is for you, choose what will help you the most.”

“Aaron, I’m being serious here. We must make this decision together. I want to go for the harder drugs, but if I fry my brain, I need to know that you can, will, and are prepared to do this alone. Without me. It is a risk. If you do not want to take it then I will not. If I have a mental break and do something stupid, you must be ready to pick up the pieces. It is not fair, but we cannot act as the side effects will not happen. They might not happen, but if they do it will be on you,” she explained. “And I can’t leave you to deal with me and everything else if you can’t do it alone. We both make compromises. Maybe it is drugs that do not help as much as they could in return for us both being able to give more to caring for our children. Some of me is better than none, right?”

“You’ve been thinking a lot about this, haven’t you?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“What were you thinking coming in?”

“I was thinking I wanted to go all-in, do whatever it takes to get as much normal back as I can, but I’ve just realized how reckless that it. I could very well destroy whatever normal I have left and leave everything worse off than it is now. That’s why I need to know what you are good with.”

“Honestly, I can’t do this alone if something happens to you. Could we start with something mild and see what happens? If it works, great, if not, we try something stronger?”

Idina nodded and looked back to the doctor for confirmation.

“It may take a few tries to find a combination and dosage that works the best for you,” he explained. “Everyone’s reaction to them is slightly different. We could get it in the first try, or the tenth.”

Idina nodded, looking back to Aaron. They had a long talk with the doctor about all their options and the assurance that they did not have to make a final decision right now and could do more research if they wanted. Aaron was firm on at least getting something today because he was worried it might get pushed back and forgotten about if they did not start being proactive now.

There was a trial for memory lapse medication that was having very good results with people in a similar condition to Idina’s and though it was a bit risky, Aaron was quick to A-Okay it when he was how excited Idina was as they went over the details. Not to mention, there were some medications for her spasms that she could take in tandem because they worked with completely different functions of the body and had no ingredients that would react with each other. The side effects were as expected. Increased risk of internal bleeding, possible allergic reactions, increased risk of depression, along with many other side effects that they had already been expecting. Idina was not allowed to drive for the next three weeks until they knew how the drugs would affect her, she could not go on birth control, nor could she continue breastfeeding the triplets once she started taking them.

They got the prescriptions and Aaron drove to the pharmacy so that they could get them filled. Idina was not going to start them today, but they figured getting everything done was be a good start. She still wanted to breastfeed the triplets a bit longer. There were still many benefits to it, even Aaron had to admit to that and Idina did not seem like she desperately needed the medication right now. They were going to try and manage her stress and sleep levels for a few more weeks until they both felt comfortable putting the triplets on formula and like their life had calmed down enough that if Idina did have a negative reaction to one of the prescriptions it would not turn their entire world upside down.

They made it back home around noon and were greeted by three screaming triplets. Parents mode active, they handed the bags off to Helen to be stored in the master bathroom and away from small hands then each picked up a kid. Their sitter, Jane, was already soothing Soren, leaving Idina with Zephyr and Aaron with Lucinda.

As soon as Aaron picked Lucinda up, she started bawling louder.

“Maybe you should take her,” Aaron said. “She doesn’t like me.”

“That’s not true, you’re just holding her wrong,” Idina muttered as she bounced Zephyr up and down. “Move your hand, there... here try this…” she said as she tried to adjust his hands

“Just take her Dee, it’s not working,” he said after a moment.

They swapped babies and Lucinda almost instantly stopped bawling, which queued Zephyr and Soren in that they didn’t have to make the loudest noise possible anymore and settled for crying softly until whatever they wanted done happened. Idina put Lucinda down to take Soren from the sitter and see what he needed, but the second she turned her back her daughter started bawling again. Idina turned to look at her. She stopped. Idina turned around. Lucinda let out another ear-piercing wail. Idina turned back for the third time to find Lucinda giggling. Well, it was settled, she was on Cindy Duty.

“See,” Aaron said. “Momma’s girl,” he teased as he bounced Zephyr.

“They’re tired,” Jane explained now that it was quiet enough to talk without raising your voice. “They’d been fed and burped and up for about four hours.”

“Okay,” Idina said, a bit disappointed that they were ready for sleep and she wanted to play.

They took them up to the nursery. Soren was the best sleeper of the three of them and now that his sister was no longer crying, he was starting to get sleepy. Zephyr was still being fussy. Idina put Lucinda down and stayed facing her while Aaron handed her Zephyr, seeing of maybe she could do something. Lucinda started screaming again. Aaron took Zephyr. Their daughter stopped bawling.

“Well that’s new,” Idina said. She picked Lucinda back up, making the baby smile triumphantly. “Looks like you’re going to be an issue, aren’t you Cindy?” she asked. “You are smart baby, but mommy’s gotta care for your brothers too.” She kissed Lucinda’s forehead. The baby gurgled in reply.

“I’ll put Zephyr down,” Aaron said. He turned to the sitter and asked how much they owed her and told her that Helen had the money. Then he gave her a bit extra, telling her to eat something nice before she came back in the afternoon. Jane was their lifesaver.

She went downstairs to find Helen while Aaron tried to calm Zephyr who was still crying softly.

Idina put Lucinda down again, then pulled the chair up so that she was staring at the little girl. Lucinda stared right back at her. She was three weeks old and already playing games. It would be one wild ride when she became a teenager.

Aaron managed to soothe Zephyr and get him down.

“Do you think it’s safe for me to leave the room?” Idina asked her husband, still staring down her youngest daughter. “I don’t want her to wake the boys up.”

“Stay here and I’ll bring you up something to eat. If she does not fall asleep, we should bring her someplace else, so she doesn’t wake them.” Lucinda yawned. “But I think she’ll be out soon,” he said.

“Okay,” Idina said and Aaron left the room quietly.

She rested her head in her hands and stared at the infant. Maybe she did deserve some extra attention. It was not like they had been talking to her the whole pregnancy. She could not know that, could she? A dog could recognize their own name, maybe she could recognize hers or enough words to know now that none were meant for her, only the two boys. Either way, she was one intelligent little girl and Idina was so proud. It had all turned out okay; she could breathe easily for just a moment.

She heard footsteps behind her and looked behind to see Erika peeking in through the door. Idina smiled, inviting her over. She pulled the girl into her lap and cradled her. Lucinda, whose eyes were still fixated on her mother, did not start bawling.

“So, we found out today Lucinda is one jealous little baby,” she said, not sure what else to say, only knowing that she wanted Erika with her right now. She wrapped her arms around the silent girl and rested her chin on her shoulder. “She doesn’t like me holding the boys and is likely to have a crying fit if I leave the room, so I’m stuck here till little missy princess pants decides she’s ready to fall asleep.”

“Little missy princess pants?” Erika questioned.

“What?” Idina asked. “I can call her whatever I want.”

“Sure, whatever,” Erika mumbled.

“Are you still alright coming today?” Idina asked. “You don’t have to if you don’t want too, just remember that. You can tell Snow you do not want too, and they can still take your statement. You don’t have to see them or be cross-examined or anything.”

“Will it be easier if I go?” she asked timidly.

“Yeah,” Idina admitted. It would help a lot. “But I care about your mental state more. If it is going to mess with your head, do not. We can work around you not wanting to testify in court. Aaron and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Erika sighed and leaned back and Idina pulled her closer. Finally, someone was in her corner and it was only because people were trying to take them away. There was no winning, no matter what Erika did. She played with Idina’s fingers as they sat there in silence.

“I still want to go,” she said after a while. She was always the only one looking out for her. Now she was still looking out for herself. If she were not willing to fight, then how could she expect a relative stranger to? They had still only known each other for less than a year.

And technically everyone had known the triplets for three weeks, but everyone knew they would do or die for the helpless little things. Or did they? Erika’s sperm donor and incubator were do or die for their three-week-old. She had never met anyone who was do or die for her after three months, let alone three weeks. She was the common denominator, so logic dictated she was the problem.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong,” Idina said.

“Maybe I was thinking that this was all going to work out,” she said calmly, with snapping or retorting because she knew she was just saying it to say it.

Idina hugged her. “It will work out. I’m determined and if life’s taught me anything it’s that I always get what I want.” She paused then added: “And I want you.” Idina looked back over to the crib. Lucinda was still wide awake and staring at them. “What are we going to do with her?” Idina wondered aloud.

“Hm?”

“Lucinda’s still awake.”

“I don’t know,” she replied.

“Me too.” She paused for a moment. “What do you think about them?”

“Pardon?”

“The triplets, what do you think about them?”

“I don’t understand what you’re asking,” the girl replied.

“Aaron and I just kind of shoved babies on you. What do you think about them? Like are they annoying you, do you think we like them more, because we _do not_ , but what do _you_ think.”

“Well, um, I think they’re cute, and um,” she stammered, trying to figure it out for herself. “I don’t not like them.”

“That’s fine,” Idina said. “It’s just been dawning on me how it might seem to you. I promise we were not thinking free childcare or anything. We also weren’t thinking three babies though,” she admitted. “I’m really glad you’re helping out, even if it’s just taking Louie out so he doesn’t bark when they’re trying to sleep. And it is just, I am sorry if you have ever felt like in all this craziness you have been sidelined or that we do not care. I’ll admit there were a lot of things that happened that weren’t what we expected, but we still love you and we are trying our best, even if it’s not the best.”

“It’s fine,” Erika said.

“No, it’s not,” Idina replied.

“No,” she argued. “It’s fine. You’re the first person who’s ever treated me like a person, despite everything that’s going on you always remember that I’m a person too, and it’s a pathetically low bar, but’s the only one I’ve got. Being sidelined still meant you were treating me like a person. Which is more than I deserve.”

“Oh, Erika,” Idina sighed, “never think you deserve to be treated any less. It is a basic expectation. You cannot just hope someone will treat you like that, you must expect it. If someone does not, do not give them the time of day. They don’t deserve it.” She paused for a moment before asking: “how bad was it? When we first met you said it was the best place you’d been in and it makes me wonder.”

Erika was silent. Idina could practically hear the gears turning in her head as the girl worked out whether she wanted to say anything and if she did, what she wanted to share and how to string the words together.

“It was bad,” she said after a while.

Idina waited for her to elaborate, but did not prompt it, knowing Erika would share when she was ready. She did hug her and rub her arm affectionately.

“It was just, um, bad,” she repeated. “No one cared. I was left alone a lot. Sometimes there was no food in the fidget. Sometimes the people were mean. Sometimes there was food in the fridge, but I was not allowed to eat it. And there were drunks and smokers and those guys I mentioned who had a meth lab. People who just cared about the paycheck, or crazy religious people who thought they were doing gods work or who wanted to look good to their community. I was always someone’s pawn or indentured servant. But basically, no one cared, and if they did ‘care’ they were doing it by making everything worse and making me wish I was just left alone.”

“You don’t feel like that here, right?” Idina needed the reassurance. She was not sure why, but she wanted it. The confirmation that she was doing right by Erika.

“No,” she replied.

“Good, and I never want you to feel like here. Aaron too. And you can eat anything in the fridge whenever you want unless it is dangerous, or we have explicitly said not too, obviously.” She kissed the girl’s brow. “We love you. I say it all the time because you need to hear it more. We are here for you.”

“How’s your brain stuff,” Erika asked.

“I’ve got a butt load of prescriptions, but I’m not going to start anything for at least a month and a half,” she replied. If Erika wanted to change the subject, it was fine. “Is Cindy asleep? We should go downstairs and get some lunch.”

“I think she’s asleep,” Erika said.

They both got up and looked over the crib. Lucinda was snoozing peacefully as were her brothers. Idina made sure the baby monitor was on and paired with her phone before she left the room. Then she checked the video feed just to make sure. She felt awful leaving them alone for a few hours. How could someone have completely abandoned their child?

“I didn’t mean to upset you with my questions,” Idina told Erika.

“You didn’t,” she replied. “I’m thinking about something else.”

“Mind telling me?”

“I’m just kind of wondering why now,” she said. “Why are they coming back now. It does not really make any sense like there might be something else going on we are not aware of. It just seems so odd that they’d go for it now.”

“Maybe they’re trying to get money out of Aaron and me,” Idina replied.

“But then why not settle?”

Idina thought for a moment. She was not sure. If they wanted money they could have settled. Idina would have paid whatever it took to get them out as long as Erika wanted them gone. She would sell the house, downsize, take out a mortgage, whatever it took. She would sell the wedding ring. She did not need it. It was a vanity piece now. They had things more important than some diamonds on a band. They had three children together. That was more of a symbol of their promise to each other than rings were. Walker had been so for her and Taye. The triplets, and Erika, and Walker now too she realized, were so for them both.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Sorry sweety, I wish I knew just as much as you do.” They both sighed, looking around the room. “Want a hug?”

Erika nodded and wrapped her arms around Idina’s waist. “Thanks.” She muttered into Idina’s neck. “I actually feel a bit better now.”

Idina held on for a few seconds longer. “Good,” she replied. “Me too.”

They went downstairs and had grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, then played a few rounds of Mario Cart before leaving for the hearing.

“Can I come?” whined Walker.

“It’s going to be very boring,” Idina warned.

“I want to come,” he said pouting and crossing his arms. He stamped his foot.

Idina looked to Erika unsure. She might say some things that no one wanted to hear at the trial today, things that were still a bit too complicated with everything going on. “Are you okay with it?” she asked Erika.

“Uh, I guess so. I don’t have a preference either way.”

“Then I’m coming,” the boy announced.

“Don’t you want to stay and help grandma with the babies?” she asked.

“No!” he replied. “I want to come!”

“Walker Nathaniel if you don’t calm down right now you won‘t be going anywhere and you spend the rest of your day upstirs in your room without your phone, do you hear me?” she snapped, not in the mood to deal with his temper right now.

“Let him go,” Helen said. “Aaron’s sister should be here any minute and if we need an extra pair of hands, we can call Jane. She is great with Zephie.” Helen practically shooed them out the door as Aaron’s sister pulled into the driveway.

Walker took Erika’s hand protectively as they made their way to the SUV. Idina smiled. That is why he wanted to come. If the court saw how close the two of them were, it would help in their favour as well. When it came down to it, Elvira and Elija were strangers. They had never met Erika. IF Erika has emotionally created herself a family with the Menzel-Lohr’s, there was nothing they could do about that. This trial was about what was best for Erika, and unless it could be proven the Idina and Aaron were not fit guardians, their daughter was not going to be taken away from them.


	66. Chapter 66

Erika was tense. She was sitting up super straight in the back seat, hands under her legs. Idina had meticulously chosen her outfit. Everything from the moment they stepped out of the van to when they got back home would be judged. Idina had picked out a sundress that was a light pastel green and went down past the knees, covering her scabs. She had brushed make-up over the scabs on her palms to reduce the redness. She made Erika wear the same sandals with lace straps she had worn to the movie premiere because they were a brand name. Erika did not wear them a lot because of it, but Idina had a particular image she needed to paint. Yes, they were spending money on her. No, she was not spoiled. Not to mention she was hoping the judge still had the wraith-like girl image still seared into her brain, that way she would see the difference when Erika walked into the room.

The girl’s cheeks had filled out, her skin had a natural glow, and she was growing. Both Elvira and Elija were taller than Idina and she head meant to make an appointment to see if Erika’s growth was stunted or if she was just a late bloomer. She had a feeling it was a bit of both as the girl now stood even with her. Erika was also getting toned in her arms and legs from her work. She looked like a happy healthy teenager and no one could say it was not Idina and Aaron’s fault. They had done all of it, slowly, but they had done it. They would watch her try and act like she was not going to swat at the next thing that moved to close to her plate and slowly get more and more accustomed and comfortable eating with them. They clued in almost instantly to feed her more as she would always stop short of licking her plate clean and they had figured out the food she liked and disliked. There was an entire profile on her that they had created.

There was a solid case in their favour. It was frustrating that they had to fight for it, fight to prove it when the evidence was just there. She just wanted to finally be a family and forget about everything from the blackmailing to Taye’s nutty parents to anything that was not normal bliss.

Looking in the rear-view mirror, Idina reminded herself to remain calm. If Erika noticed how antsy she was, the girl might panic too. On top of everything she had to do today, it would not help. She needed to stay calm and collected and try her best to keep it together.

Walker tagging along would help. Maybe people would see how close the two of them are and decide against separating them if it came down to it. Everything had to be considered.

The four of them walked into the courthouse arm in arm. Snow came up to speak to Erika and they whispered before she said hi to Walker and directed the two children to the front bench where they could sit and told them she’d meet them soon.

“How is she?” Snow asked them once the kids were out of earshot.

“Nervous, but she wants to be here,” Aaron replied.

“I just want to warn you that you might hear things you don’t want to hear,” she replied. “I know you’re doing an amazing job, but anything you hear here, just ignore it.”

“What do you mean?” Idina asked. “What’s she planning on saying? She knows she shouldn’t try to fabricate anything right?”

“No, nothing like that,” Snow reassured them. “It’s just, as you know, she had a rough life and I think it’s going to come up. It’s very likely to you're going to hear things you don’t want to hear about before.” Snow knew more than they did, or at least they think she did. There were a lot of things Erika never talked to them about and they never pushed, only asking that she talked to Snow and worked it out with Snow.

Idina nodded. “I know,” she replied. “We both know it was bad.” Aaron took her hand. “And we know not to push her.”

Snow gave them a half-smile. “Just be prepared,” she replied. “I’m not sure what might come up, but I just want to tell you.”

“We know,” Aaron said with a friendly smile. “We love her so much and we just want what’s best for her.”

“And that’s why you’re going to win this case or prologue it till she turns eighteen. Adult adoption is a thing for insurance, wills, and inheritance reasons and there will be nothing the Riveras can do about it then.”

“We want to do it now,” Idina muttered. “We’re not waiting this out. We are doing it now. She needs someone to fight for her and win.”

“I know,” Snow replied.

The room was settling down and Aaron and Idina met up with Carlyle who was talking to the kids, then took their places at the defendant’s bench in front of their children who were looking at something on Walker’s phone.

Everyone rose as the judge came in. Then they took their seat. The proceedings started. Erika was called to the stand. She walked straight with a stiff posture trying not to appear nervous. Idina was squeezing’s Aaron’s hand again. He was squeezing hers.

The Rivera’s lawyer went up to question her. They started simple.

“What is your name?”

“Erika Rivera.”

“And you are claiming that you want to stay with Mrs. Menzel and Mr. Lohr?”

“Yes.”

“Voluntarily?”

“Yes.”

“Are they bribing you to say this with money?”

“No,” Erika replied, looking slightly confused.

“But they do spend money on you?”

“Yes.”

“And if you moved in with your _parents_ that situation might change?”

“Um, maybe?” she said, looking around for help.

“So, there is a financial motivation for you to stay with them?”

“I guess so,” she replied.

“Yes or no,” the lawyer snapped.

“Yes.”

Idina sighed. This was not going their way. She reminded herself that she had to wait for Carlyle to go up. His job was to clear up whatever mess was created.

“So, there is an incentive for you to stay with them,” the lawyer clarified.

“Yeah,” Erika said.

“So, is this your unpressured choice?”

“Yes.”

“But the money will go away. Are you sure it’s not being held over you?”

“Yes.” Erika was started to get flustered. “I don’t understand what you’re asking,” she said.

“Ms. Rivera, it’s been brought to my attention that due to your past experiences you are an emotionally venerable individual. My goal is to make sure that you are being taken care of properly and I believe that it will be in my client’s care. I am on your side. I am trying to determine if you are being manipulated in your decision.”

“I’m not,” she said, crossing her arms.

“You might not know it,” she replied. “Are they offering to pay for your continued education if you stay with them?”

“No,” she replied firmly.

“So, they are not paying for your continued education?” the lawyer asked in shock.

“Yes, they are.”

“Then why did you say no before?”

“Because they told me they’ve put money away and I can access it for university on the condition that I go, not whether or not I stay with them.”

“Oh,” the lawyer said, disappointed. This clearly was not what she was looking for. Erika smirked. She knew it too. “And you trust them to stick to this?”

“They haven’t broken a promise yet,” she replied. It was the most honest answer she could give. She did not trust anyone to do anything.

“Do you think they might back out?”

“Not really.”

“Yes or no?”

“I trust them more than those people who abandoned me when I was a few months old,” she snapped. “I don’t trust anyone. I don’t trust you, I certainly don’t trust them,” she exclaimed, “I do however trust Aaron and Idina whole lot more than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

“I understand that you may feel that way.”

“There’s no may about it,” she huffed, crossing her arms once more and leaning back.

“I understand that you feel that way,” their lawyer said. She started on a long spiel, lecturing her about how she could very much be wrong.

“Objection: relevance,” Carlyle said within a few minutes. “Your honour, this is irrelevant to her statement. We are trying to assess what she feels of her own free will, not manipulate her. Erika clearly feels strongly about this and as you know from doctor Snow’s report, she does have trust issues.”

“Then it should not matter who she trusts and doesn’t trust if she doesn’t trust anyone,” their lawyer argued.

Snow stood up. “Your honour, Erika has been making progress in forming connections and building trust with Mrs. Menzel and Mr. Lohr. All of her issues stem from the action taken by Mr. and Mrs. Rivera and the situation _they_ placed her in. In my professional opinion, she should not be removed from their care for her emotional well-being.”

“Yes, Your Honour, no one is saying that her physical wellbeing will change; however, we are most concerned for her emotional well being especially in how it may affect her physical well being.”

“Order,” the judge said as the Rivera’s practically leapt down Carlyle’s and Snow’s throats.

“They’re _paying_ her to say that!” Elvira yelled. “We can’t afford Snow’s rates and she knows she’ll lose a lot of money. How many days a week are they sending her there, how many hours? They’re paying her and making my daughter think she’s crazy!”

Erika flinched in her seat and Idina wanted to run to her. This was exactly what they did not want to happen. At least this outburst would make Erika less likely to want to stay with them, but at the same time, no child should hate their parents.

Elvira and Elija were not Erika’s parents. She and Aaron were in all but blood.

“Oder,” the judge said again, banging the hammer. “Objection granted Mr. Carlyle,” the turning to Erika: “Are you alright Ms. Rivera?” Erika looked like a deer in the headlight. She nodded her head, but it was not convincing. “We will take a twenty-minute recess,” the judge decided. “Everyone needs to calm down right now. This is a trial to determine your fitness to be a parent and would like to remind all parties that you have children at home who can be affected if you are deemed not a fit parent. The court dismissed.”

Erika stood up slowly. Idina ran to her, pushing some people out of the way.

“Are you okay?” she asked, holding onto the girl, pulling her into a quick hug, then looking her over again. “I’m sorry I never should have asked you to come this was a bad idea I’m so sorry Erika.”

“It’s okay,” Erika said quietly. “I’m okay.”

Idina hugged her again as Aaron came up behind them. Erika hugged him too.

“You did good,” he told her. “I know this hard, but it’ll be worth it. Promise, okay?”

“Okay,” Erika said.

He smiled and kissed her brow. “Hungry?”

“She shook her head. “I have to go to the bathroom,” she replied.

“It’s over there,” Idina said then gave her the directions.

She nodded and walked off. They went back over to the bench where Walker was sitting, playing on his phone.

“Bored yet?” Idina asked.

“A bit,” he replied. “I don’t know what’s happening.”

“Me neither,” she replied. “I got snacks in the car.”

“Fruit by the foot?” he asked, his face lighting up.

“Yep,” she replied with a chuckle, “but you have to save some for Erika.”

“I will!” he said excitedly. “Do you want one? Can I have the keys?”

“I’m good,” Idina said, then she looked to Aaron who did want one. She handed her son the keys then sat down on the bench as the world wandered around her.

Aaron said he would stay here in the room so that Idina could go out and get some air. She was starting to feel muddled again. What is she was having the warning signs for an episode? No, she could not think like that. Then she would psyche herself and have one. She needed to walk around the building and clear her head. She took an anxiety pill. It was supposed to help and was a low enough dosage that it would not affect the triplet’s food supply. Was it strong enough to work? She would find out.

She put some music on, some unfinished piano tracks for her album. She had completely sidelined it. Her life was more important now. Maybe that had been a good thing, it really sucked. It sounded like a four-year-old smashing on the keys. She was smelling pizza from somewhere. Her post-pregnancy cravings were everything unhealthy and greasy and defiantly not on her nursing diet. One-piece would not be that bad though…

Screw it, they were stopping there on the way home.

Finishing her lap around the building, Idina pulled her earbuds out of her ears and slipped her phone back into her pocket. She met back up with Aaron who had a very content Walker sitting on his lap, snaking on their fruit-by-the-foots. She smiled and gave both her boys a kiss on the head, then sat down beside them as Aaron put his arm around her.

“Where’s Erika?” she asked after a few moments. The girl should have been back by now.

“I’m not sure,” Aaron said, moving Walker off of him so that he could stand up.

They walked back out of the courtroom to look for her in the crowd of people.

“I SAID LET GO OF ME!” someone shouted.

Erika!

They rushed towards the noise to see that Elija was holding onto her wrist while Elvira was talking to her. She was trying to pull away but looked like she would be more successful in dislocating her shoulder than breaking free. Everyone was staring at them now.

Aaron was quickly beside Erika, prying her wrist free from Elija’s grip, doing everything in his power not to yell at the grey-haired man, Finally free, Erika retreated behind Aaron, holding onto his shirt, visibly shaking.

Aaron took a few steps backward and Idina a few steps forward. She put a hand on Erika’s shoulder, hoping it would help her relax a bit. Every muscle in her body was tense. Walker hugged her from behind and looked around with his head under her arm, watching what was about to happen next. Idina could still feel her shaking.

They stood there for a few moments in an intense staring match, not knowing what to do. Idina rubbed Erika’s back. She was her first priority. What to about whatever was going on here came next.

Aaron broke the game by turning around and asking Erika if she was all right. She nodded even though she did not look alright. They hugged and held each other for a moment with Walker still latched onto Erika’s waist and Idina was still glaring at the Rivera’s who seemed done with everything. They were rolling their eyes.

“What’s your problem?” Idina snapped. “You don’t grab people, period.”

“We’re allowed to discipline our daughter,” Elija said.

“She was ignoring us. She was being rude. If you are claiming you raised her, you have done a horrible job. She’ll be better off when she’s with us,” Elvia added. God, she looked a lot like an old Erika. She even had the same cadence when she spoke. Idina was just noticing it now that they were in the same room together. “We’re going to help her grow up.”

Idina took Aaron’s hand and squeezed it, making sure she remember that everyone was here. He hated this type of talk, he heard it all the time from parents who thought their children were misbehaved or faking it. He saw the damage it caused and now some were saying the same thing about Erika. His Erika. Idina squeezed his hand again.

“Don’t worry,” Elija said, “we’re going to help you, Erika.”

“No,” Erika said firmly.

“No?” You can’t say no to me, I’m your father.”

“No,” she repeated.

Elvira looked up at them triumphantly. “She needs a behaviour correction, Mrs. Menzel. I do not think you have the mental fortitude to do it. How often does she say ‘no’ to you? Do you just let her say it whenever she likes? She does realize she can’t have everything she wants, right?”

This time Aaron squeezed Idina’s hand. “We’re not having this discussion with you,” Idina said. “You lost any right to that when you abandoned her.”

“We will see about that,” Elvira said. “That’s what the court’s here to decide. Besides, you’ve got four other brats, why do you need our child too? It is free childcare, isn’t it? I bet you’ve got her all wound up that those triplets are going to be neglected and left alone if she doesn’t do something and feeding into her delusion that no one cared about her and that it was circumstantial and not her fault.”

“The only reason they’re being left alone is because you make mom come to this stupid trial,” Walker said.

“Oh!” Elvira said ready to finish her statement but through better of it.

The circle around them parted and the judge came through.

“What is going on here?” she asked.

“Those people were grabbing and yelling at Erika,” Walker said, pointing an accusatory finger at the Riveras.

“We were not yelling at her,” Elvira said. “The little liar didn’t even see what happened. We asked her some questions and she was rude. Elija just tried to remind her that we are her parents and even if we were not, she needs to respect her elders. She is like a wild animal. Those people think that because they have sent her to a good school they are done. They need to discipline her.”

The judge looked over to Erika. “What happened?”

“It’s okay,” Aaron told Erika.

She looked up at him, then turned to the judge. “They asked me to come home with them and I said no, then he grabbed me and said I had to come with them and she went on about how much better things would be with them. I kept on telling him to let me go, but he wouldn’t, and he was pulling me towards the door, so I screamed.” Idina hugged her possessively, not taking her eyes off of the Riveras.

“They tried to kidnap you?” she asked, making it a bit more exaggerated than it needed to be, but just enough.

The judge turned back to the Riveras. “That does sound like an attempted kidnapping.”

“She’s our daughter,” Elvira said. “And we were not going to take her, we were just trying to talk to her and stop her from causing a scene just to pin us as the villains. She needs to be controlled.”

“No,” Aaron said. “She does not. And you have no understanding of her mental health or her needs. We are going to fight with everything we have to keep her safe from you.”

“Needs?” Elvira echoed, looking mortified. “What type of needs are _you_ taking care of? Your Honour, he did admit that he loves her, how do we know there is nothing illegal going on here? Erika, love, it’s okay, we’re going to get you away from this crazy man.”

“No,” she said again, hugging Aaron from behind him.

“See, they’ve manipulated her. She thinks she loves him.”

“Enough,” the judge said. “These are serious accusations. I have seen nothing to believe that anything of the sort is going on, but nor can I ignore them. We will investigate further.’

Idina stiffened. They were not going to arrest him, surely, not just because some crazy woman was throwing around accusations. Still holding her husband’s hand, she used her free one to hold Erika’s arm. The three of them were surrounding her.

“Good,” Elvira said. “Arrest him.”

“No,” Idina whispered.

“No,” the judge said. “We will investigate their house. We will question Erika. We will ask that everyone surrender their phones, now. Failure to comply will not aid your case.”

Idina swallowed, pulling out her phone. Walker and Erika handed theirs in too, just to be compliant. Walker was holding his older sister’s hand the entire time. There were texts about her brain injury medication on her phone. There was the long cray text from Taye. There were so many things people could use against her. If that is what was on the phone, what could be on the Riveras’ phones? There had to be something just as damning, if not more. They were delusional. Bloody delusional.

Elvira and Elija were brought to a different side of the courthouse. Erika was still glued to Idina and Aaron and did not want to go with the witness officer who wanted to talk to her, but they eventually managed to convince her that they would be right here, waiting for her. It broke Idina's heart watching her leave. Her mind started reeling. They could be trying to separate them under false pretences for a million reasons. She pulled Walker close and held onto him for dear life because he was the only child she currently had. Everyone was just ignoring the attempted kidnapping! She sighed when she saw someone dismantling the security camera. They were going to be here a while; she needed to call her mom and tell her to ask Jane to stay later. Her hand went to her pocket, and, right, she had given up her phone. Shit.

Rocking Walker back and forth, Idina counted the hour that passed with every second. Maybe there was a payphone. But that would require standing up, leaving Aaron, disturbing Walker. It was not like she had changed on her anyway. Who did nowadays? Smart folk, that’s who. Not idiots with a brain injury. Or maybe she was just an idiot. She had a plethora of stupid things that she had done before her brain got all messed up.

“Mom?” Walker asked.

“Yes, Pumpkin?”

“I’m hungry.”

“I know baby, but there’s nothing we can do right now. We have to stay here. I told you it would be more fun to stay with Grandma and the triplets.”

“When’s Erika coming back?” he asked. “She still hasn’t taken her fruit-by-the-foot.”

“I don’t know Walk,” she said.

“She is coming back, right?”

“Yes,” Idina lied. She had no idea. Aaron rubbed her back and she leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

Erika did come back, seeming very upset and saying nothing. This had been a terrible idea. She should have known Elvira would have had a public freak-out seeing how determined she had been. Idina just hoped it was enough to make everyone see Erika belonged with her.

They were eventually given their phones back and told they were allowed to leave and given the rescheduled date a few days from now where the court would resume without theatrics.

“How are you holding up?” she asked Erika for what seemed like the millionth time.

“I don’t know,” she replied, slightly agitated.

“That’s fine,” Idina said. Her emotions were always valid, even if they were the wrong ones for the situation. She needed to know that. And also that she was justified in being slightly agitated today.

“Who’s up for ice cream?” Aaron asked.

“ME!” Walker exclaimed, jumping up and down and raising his hand in the air. He ran to the van. “Me, me, me!”

Everyone chuckled. They needed ice cream. They pulled into the Dairy Queen drive-through and got both Erika and Walker the biggest orders they could think of. Idina got a small cone for herself while Aaron ordered a Peanut Buster Parfait. Idina was going to tease him endlessly tonight about it, the thought just made her smile.

Later that night, after she had destressed by taken the triplets into the backyard and playing with them (and by that she meant stressing over every little thing they did whether it spends one second too long in the sun or a bug that got too close to them). She made sure they were sleeping soundly before she went to Erika's room.

“I’m so sorry about that,” she said.

The girl was laying on her bed, staring into space. “It’s not your fault,” she said.

“I know,” she admitted, “but I am supposed to be protecting you and taking care of you and I didn’t today.”

“You’re not a failure,” she muttered. “Stop acting like it.” Idina blinked in shock. “It’s out of your control and you are doing the best you can, and I get that,” she continued, still staring at the ceiling. “You’ve done more than anyone else ever has and honestly you could quit now, and I’d still be grateful.”

“I’m not quitting!” she exclaimed.

“ _I know_ ,” the girl said.

“Oh.” The world stopped for a minute. Of course, Erika knew. She was not blind. She knew where they went every day, now she knew exactly what they were putting up with. For her.

“Just stop acting like your bad or whatever,” Erika said, “because you’re not.”

Idina laid down on her stomach beside her daughter. “I just always feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”

“Well it’s not you and you’re making me think it’s me so stop,” she said with a bit of tone. This was something that had been knowing away at Erika for a while. If Idina was doing everything right and it was still going wrong, she was the only other person she could blame.

“It’s not you.”

“And it’s not you.”

Idina sighed. “Aaron always says I need to stop second-guessing myself,” she admitted.

“He’s probably right.”

“Only probably?”

“No one’s right that often,” she said.

Idina chuckled. “He’s always right, isn’t he?”

“Yeah. Are you sure he’s human?”

“Well, the triplets seem human,” she said. “But maybe it’s just their skin.”

Erika snorted. “What’s underneath then?”

“I dunno!” Idina said.

“How can you not know?”

“I dunno,” she repeated, rolling over onto her back to laugh. Erika swatted at her with a pillow as she got too close and cuddly. “I bet they’re green though,” she added. “And superhuman strength.”

“What’s going on over here?” Aaron asked in amusement form the doorframe.

“We figured it out,” Idina said.

“Figured what out?” he asked, coming in a sitting by the foot of the bed.

“You’re an alien,” Erika told him with a straight face.

He looked confused. “Really?”

“That’s what an alien would say!” Idina exclaimed, tackling him backwards and pinning him down. “I got him!” she said through giggles.

Erika was sitting up and looking at them.

“Come on,” Idina urged. “Can’t keep him down forever, help me.”

“Doing what?”

She paused for a moment. “Hit him with your pillow.”

“What, no,” she said.

Aaron took the opportunity to flip Idina over. “Now I’ve got you.” He turned to Erika. “Now, Erika, tell me what’s going on or you don’t get this bed back tonight. I’m going to leave Idina here.”

“No human can be right as often as you are so, therefore, you’re an alien and the triplets are actually green under their human skin.”

“Alright then,” Aaron said, still not getting it.

”You snitch,” Idina chuckled, trying to get up but Aaron was doing a marvellous job keeping her down. She called for Walker knowing he would be on her side.

Walker came over, took one look at them, and jump tackled his mother, overshooting and nearly tackling Erika.

“Nope, not today mom, you never help me,” he whined. “I’m getting you back,” he said as he bounced up and down.

“No, you have to get Aaron, he’s the alien,” Idina argued through giggles. She looked over to Erika who helps who had brought her knees up to her chest to give them room but was chuckling with amusement. The girl shook her head with a grin. “Is no one going to help me?” she exclaimed as the boys tickled her.

“Nope,” Walker said.

Suddenly they heard a wail from the nursery. Idina swore. They were being too loud. Somewhere below them, Louie started barking.

“Yes Louie, we know, thank you,” Idina said to no one.

They heard dog footsteps leap un the stairs and into the room. He jumped up on the bed and his under the covers to muffle the noise. Erika rubbed him with the blanket and covered his hears for him. His little tail was wagging profusely.

Another wail drifted in. All three were definitely awake now. Tried babies were the hardest. The cried because they wanted to go the sleep but did not have the understanding that they could sleep if they just stopped crying. They needed their large humans to fix it for them. At least someone needed them. Idina missed that most about Walker. When he had needed her all the time. Now he was getting his own fruit-by-the-foots from the car and in a few years, he would be old enough to walk a few blocks to his friends’ houses on his own. He was growing up so fast. And Erika was already grown up.

Idina freed herself from her boys and was flanked by her family as she made her way down to the nursery. Why did they have to have her lungs and breath capacity? She had spent years training and here they were crying up a storm three months out of the womb. Why was everything always for effortless for everyone else?

She picked up the nearest baby, who happened to be Soren while Aaron ended up with Cindy and Erika grabbed Zephyr. Idina watched her. She was gradually getting more comfortable around the triplets and knew how to them correctly. Walker was in the room too, asking what he could do with his hands over his ears. She told him to take Louie into to basement for the sake of his sensitive dog ears. He disappeared down the hallway.

All three babies were crying, and Lucinda kept on reaching out a little fist towards Idina. She and Aaron swapped babies again and Lucinda clamped down on Idina’s hair and started yanking.

“Aw, baby, no,” she said as she tried to open her daughter’s fist. It was clamped down tightly and there was no way she was getting it done onehanded. Every attempt was making Lucinda wail louder.

It was well past midnight before the triplets started tiring themselves out. Let them cry people said, they will cry themselves to sleep in twenty minutes the mom books said. Not these babies. Two hours later and they were still going strong, only slightly exhausted and crying more because of it. Nothing worked, not pacifiers dipped in milk, silly faces, quiet time, separation. Nothing.

Idina had a headache. Aaron had somehow managed to fall asleep in the chair holding a wailing baby. Walker and Erika were tired but trying to help.

“Just go to bed,” Idina told them.

“Can’t mommy,” Walker huffed. He looked over her shoulder at Lucinda. “Are you sure they’re okay?” he asked. “They cry a lot, are they sad?”

“They’re fine Pumpkin,” she said. At least she hoped they were. Maybe she should be bringing them to the doctors more. Maybe she should get them vaccinated earlier, or maybe later? Idina had no idea anymore. Opinions and information were coming in from every angle every time she dared to open up her phone. All she could do was think about right now and remind herself that strangers on the internet who had only seen two official pictures and some blurry paparazzi images did not know what was up with her children. They could not comment on her parenting skills. They were not pushing fifty and caring for three newborns. “Babies don’t cry because they’re sad like you and I do. They cannot speak and they need stuff all the time. Cindy cannot walk to the refrigerator to get herself some milk as you can, we have to bring it to her, and she only has one way of telling us she wants some. Or that is she tired, or scared, or bored, or just wants her mommy.”

“Can I hold her?” he asked.

Idina was always cautions of Lucinda. She had let Walker hold the boys since they were bigger, but she had not let anyone other than Jane, Aaron, and her mother hold little Cindy. Sometimes it felt like Lucinda had been her little birthday present and she wanted to keep her all to herself. She was trying to get more accustomed to other people around her, like Erika, but it was hard even if she did want Erika and Lucinda to form some sort of bond as the younger got older. They might not be close sisters like her and Cara because of the age gap, but it did not mean that they could not get along or that Erika could not be a cool aunt figure to Cindy as she grew.

“I’m not sure Walk,” she said.

“Please?” he asked.

“She doesn’t like other people holding her,” Idina warned him. “And you have to sit down.” She got up from the chair and let him take a seat. Once he was calm, she put the girl in his arms, still holding onto her.

“By myself,” he begged.

“Take what you can get,” she told him.

Lucinda was still crying, but she paused for a second to look up at Walker before starting to wail again. Then she looked over to her mom and stopped.

“God, I wish I knew what was going on inside that brain of yours,” she said as the baby yawned, making her yawn. “Mommy’s tired, can you go to bed now?”

“She can’t understand you,” Walker said.

“Maybe she can,” Idina argued. “Dogs can understand us.”

“Maybe,” Walker said. He looked back down at the baby.

Lucinda started fussing again, wiggling around, and grabbing at things.

“Sorry,” she told Walker as she picked Lucinda up. Then she suggested that Erika give him Zephyr if he really wanted to hold one of them since she had been rocking him in the corner for a while.

“They just never stop,” Walker whined again.

“That what a baby does,” Idina reminded him. “You never stopped either when you were this little.” She turned to Erika and asked the girl to get some bottles and warm them in the microwave. Maybe something to eat would tire them out just enough. Or at the very least settle them for a bit.

Aaron woke up, slightly dazed, and confused. He still had Soren in his arms. “What time is it?”

“Nearing midnight.”

“I’m sorry I fell asleep, how long?”

“Don’t worry about it. One of us needs to get sleep.”

“You need it more.”

“I’m a human milk machine, I can’t get that much sleep anymore. Not with all three of them.”

Erika came back up with two bottles. “These are the last two,” she said.

“Really?” Idina asked. She could have sworn they had more. She was pumping as much as ever, maybe a bit more now that she was out more often so that all three could eat together.

“That’s what was in the fridge,” she said as she handed one to Aaron and Walker asked for the second one for Zephyr. She yawned.

Idina looked down in concern. How was that it? Maybe Helen had slit some, though she would have said something if she had. Idina made a mental note to bring it up tomorrow as she unbuttoned her blouse to try and nurse Lucinda.

Zephyr was hungry and suckling away with his wide vampire eyes in her son’s arms while Aaron was still trying to convince Soren to eat something. Erika was sitting beside Walker and he was talking to her about Pokémon. He had made her download Pokémon Go on her phone sometime this summer and planned out all of Louie’s walks to go by areas that he could interact in the game with. Idina wasn’t quite sure when this had happened or who had told him he was allowed to download the game, but it had happened, and she did not feel like putting a stop to it.

Lucinda was throwing even more of a fit as her brothers quieted down, meaning they were being taken care of and she was not. “I’m trying to help you,” Idina pleaded. “Look, yummy milk inside mommy all for you, special girl. Yummy milk inside mommy,” she singsonged. She was a literal human milk machine in her youngest eyes. It was not working, and Lucinda just continued crying. She had to quiet down before her brothers finished or else they would start crying again, too, and none of them would fall asleep again.

It took a good ten minutes of coaxing, but just as Aaron was getting the boys ready to lay down, Lucinda finally started suckling. And once she had started, she did not stop and when Idina was dry she wanted more.

Right, they were growing. They would eat more. Her body was probably making just a bit too much food for one growing baby, but not enough for three. She looked down and Lucinda in apology as she switched the baby. If she could not do her basic biological duties, how was she supposed to care for these three kids?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Aaron asked.

Idina looked around. The boys were in their cribs and Erika and Walker had left. She looked back up at her husband.

“You seemed really concentrated on something,” he explained. “Mind sharing.”

She sighed. “I don’t think I’m making enough for them. Those were the last bottles and this one’s about to finish up whatever I’ve got left,” she lamented. “What’s that going to say about my abilities to care for triplets if they starve to death?”

“They’re not going to starve,” he said, getting down to her level. “Call up a doctor, they might know why. It also could be the fact that we have triplets and they eat three times the amount of a normal baby.”

“There were nursemaids in the middle ages that nursed multiple babies,” Idina huffed.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said, planting a kiss on her head. “Maybe it’s stress or something or you’re not eating the right food and then before you know it you’ll be mad at me again because they aren’t eating enough and there are not enough bottles for you to pump and cursing my existence even though I had no control over triplets.”

She smirked. “Okay,” she said. She looked down and Lucinda who had finally finished and yawned contently.

“I’ll clean you up,” he said, getting a wipe and cleaning up the leftover dribble on her stomach.

Idina burped Lucinda before putting her down. She took a few steps back tentatively, waiting for the ear-piercing shriek, but nothing happened. Her daughter was fast asleep.

“What are we going to do without my magic knock-out juice when I start the medication?” she asked in amusement.

“Rum on the pacifier?” he joked.

“Aaron!” she exclaimed, swatting him.

“Shhh, Dee, we don’t want to do this all over again.”

She swatted at him again and they playfully fought their way out of the room, giggling as they made their way to theirs.

Laying down, Idina asked: “Why do you think they’re here now?”

“What, who?” he asked.

“Erika’s bio parents,” she explained. “She asked me earlier why I thought they might be here now. I thought money, but then how come they did not settle? I think they deliberately asked for more money than they know we have. We don’t have a quarter billion,” she muttered. “If we did, I would have given it to them, and then they’d say we were broke and unable to financially care for her. Catch-22.”

He laid down beside her. “I don’t know. I think something is going on though. I don’t buy it for a second they just suddenly felt guilty after all this time and it just lined up with her being on the news.”

“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way. We know nothing about them. Should we get a private investigator?”

“Ask Carlyle, I know he didn’t push for it initially because it could be easily turned against us. But I do think there is something fishy going on. All their attacks are ad-hominem to the point of being ad-nauseam. If I were them, I would be looking at the fact that she got kidnapped, got wrapped up in the blackmailer’s threats, and how seeing the aftermath of everything on you,” he said. “That’s what I will be harping on. Sure, she might feel safe, but is she? How can you prove she is? You have to admit none of this stuff happened before you got involved. Do you think looking at your bruised face might be making her night terrors worse? Those are the type of questions their lawyer should be asking, and I think there is a reason she is not. She is clearly competent.”

“Do you think what Taye might have been making her night terror worse?” Idina asked in alarm.

“No,” he replied. “But it’s something as a phycologist on the outside I would question,” he explained. “Asking if she thinks she’s free labour or if we are financially manipulating her are probably the only good questions she’s asked, and even then, she’s gone about them in the wrong way. I googled her and she is normally a lot more direct. She is deliberately dancing around something. Either that or she is deliberately trying to mess with Erika, in which case that just helps our case. If someone is willing to mess with her mental state this publicly, what would they do in private? We’ll have to talk to Carlyle and see if we can work that in somewhere.” He took a deep breath.

“I don’t know what’s happening either,” Idina said. She yawned.

Aaron reached over her and grabbed some melatonin. “Sleep,” he said. “I’ll get them the next time. We’ve talked with your mom and you can’t keep doing overnights. I know that you are their mother and that you want too, but you’ve got to take of yourself too.”

“How are you going to feed them,” she challenged. “Now that we’re out of bottles?”

“Just sleep sitting up,” he joked. “It’ll be fine, Idina, promise, okay? Just get some sleep right now.”

“You don’t have to handle everything,” she told him as the put the tablets in her mouth and they started to dissolve. “We’re a team.”

“I know, but I want too. I just want to care for everyone,” he admitted.

“That’s sweet, Aaron, honey, it is,” she told him, “but you’re going to burn yourself out that way. Trust me. You can’t do this all by yourself, it’s not going to end well. For any of us.”

He nodded and kissed her brow. She turned over and cuddled close to him, smiling. “If we had one, I’d take you up on the offer though,” she said through another yawn. “But I’m not heartless enough to leave you with three. I know neither of you would make it through. And you’re more important than my pettiness.”

“Glad to hear it, ‘Dina,” he said. Then he turned off the light


	67. Chapter 67

For the first time in weeks, Idina woke up not because of the sound of crying but because she was actually done sleeping. Stretching out, she looked around in confusion. Light was seeping in through the windows. Beside her the bed was empty. Heart rate starting to rise, she rose from the bed and hastily made her way down to the nursery. It was empty.

 _Do not panic_ , she told herself. There had to be a reasonable, sane explanation and no matter what she was going to chew Aaron out for this. She went downstairs, subscribing herself to the notion that if the triplets were not there, she would scream her head off until the neighbours called.

They were. Idina sighed in relief.

“Hey there sleepyhead,” Aaron called from the couch. He had one boy on each knee and Helen had Lucinda in her lap.

Idina rubbed her eyes and sat down in between them. “What time is it?” she asked. “Aren’t they hungry? How come you did not get me up? Did you drug my water with NyQuil or something?”

“It’s nine in the morning,” he told her. “And no, no one laced your water with anything.”

“What have they been eating?” she demanded. “Weren’t we out last night?”

“Your mom’s been stashing the bottles somewhere else,” Aaron informed her. “Erika just didn’t know where to look. Although you are right, we have less than we thought.”

She took a deep breath and took Zephyr from him. “I was freaking out,” she told him calmly.

“Everyone’s still alive, and you needed your sleep. You look better,” he told her. “Your face isn’t as puffy and the dark circles under your eyes aren’t as prominent.” He kissed her temple. “And they’re eating more than they did even a few days ago. They’re growing,” he reminded her.

“Yeah, I know,” she said. Some of their jumpers were already a bit tight. Lucinda’s things no longer looked oversized. “What’s so interesting Zephie?” she asked as the baby tried to lean over and out of her grip towards the side of the couch. He grunted, trying to get free of her grip. Idina looked around and found a toy pressed between the couch cushions. She pulled it out and gave it to him. He whacked her with it, though it did not hurt. Then it went straight in his mouth. “I’m gonna get you back one day,” she told him, tickling his belly. He giggled and whacked her again with the saliva covered toy. “Why don’t you love me?” she lamented playfully as the baby hit her again.

Aaron chuckled and reached over with his free hand to hold Zephyr’s so that he could not hit her again. Idina was too nervous to hold the babies with one hand, but Aaron seemed to have no issues with it. Maybe it was because he was stronger than her and his hands were bigger so he felt like he could hold a fussy baby easier with one.

Her stomach rumbled.

“Hungry?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah,” she replied. She picked Zephyr up and held him at face level, rubbing noses with him. He spat-up on her.

“We just fed them,” Aaron informed her.

“Great,” she mumbled as she tried to wipe some of it out of her eyes. She had not missed this part of mothering infants.

Aaron took Zephyr from her so that she could go clean up. The baby protested and hit Aaron with his toy hard enough to leave a red mark.

“Mommy’s going to come back soon Zephie,” Aaron said. He placed the boys down on their play mats and pulled over a mini piano. Zephyr instantly started whacking the keys with his toy, overjoyed at the animal noises it was making. “Cow, moo,” Aaron said, laying down on his stomach. “Cat, meow,” he said again as Zephyr hit another key. He pulled a silly face a Soren who was completely disinterested in everything. Both babies giggled. “You should ask mommy to moo when she gets back,” Aaron told them. As if he actually understood, Zephyr hit the red moo key again. Helen chuckled.

* * *

Later that day, Aaron and Idina sat down in the study to have a call with Carlyle. Aaron gave Idina a triumphant grin as Carlyle told her she looked well-rested this morning. The physical appearance would and did have a sway in the court case. Everyone knew it.

The judge had ordered that both houses be reassessed since it had never happened officially through the courts. Idina was excited about this. Their house was perfect. They had already had it approved once, and that was before Erika had moved in. Now her room looked like someone lived in it. There were framed pictures around this house with Erika in them. Any stranger who came through could see that she lived here and was a part of their family unit.

Carlyle then reassured Aaron that nothing would some right now of Elvira’s insane accusations because they were not even grounded on logical conjecture. She might as well have tried claiming that Aaron and Idina were not actually who they said they were and were posing as celebrities.

Aaron then mentioned the conversation from last night.

Carlyle thought for a moment. “You are right, they have an odd angle,” he said. “However, after yesterday’s outburst, I do not think the judge is going to put up with their antics anymore. They have been dodging questions when it comes to their motivations,” he continued. “We still have no concrete statement on why they left, only that they now feel guilty. They have not made any form to apologize still, and I do think it is something we need to keep in our demands. They have to apologize. It’s not a big thing, but with their refusal, we can argue that they clearly do not think they did something wrong, despite the fact that child abandonment is illegal.”

“I can’t believe we can’t do anything about that,” Idina huffed.

“It’s passed the seven-year statute of limitations,” he reiterated. “Unless they came back and left again within the last seven years, there’s nothing anyone can do about it now. Erika can’t bring it up.”

“But the last time she could she was seven!”

“I know, but we can’t change that.” He paused. “And we need to be more aggressive. Initially, I know you both wanted this to go away quietly, but we have missed some opportunities to get this dismissed. It’s going to be messy, but I’m starting to think you need this over quickly.”

“We don’t want to make it huge because of Erika,” Idina said. “And if there was some benefit for her having them in her life, we did not want to cut the thread.”

“I think now it’s clear that’s there’s not,” Aaron said.

Carlyle nodded as Idina took a sip from her glass. She still had a bit of a headache and the computer screen was not helping. Aaron told her she could go play with the triplets if she wanted and that he could finish here. She decided to stay. There was not much more to go over, only that Carlyle wanted them to be sure they were going on the attack. Idina just wanted this over quickly now. She wanted time to spend with all of her children and she wanted Erika to be legally hers before she turned eighteen.

* * *

When the triplets were down for their afternoon nap, Idina was certain she was not feeling right. There was just something wrong and she could not place it. There was something wrong in the house, some bad spirit or something and it was eating at her.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked from the bedroom.

She stared at herself in the mirror from the master bathroom. She had just taken a shower and was watching the humidity disappear and hoping it would take away whatever was wrong. He was going to take a power nap while the twins were asleep and Idina wanted to play videogames with their two eldest.

“Maybe,” she said tentatively as she drew spirals on the mirror.

He came into the room and hugged her, slipping his hands under her housecoat, thumbs rubbing loving circles on her skin. “Why maybe?” he asked.

“Something’s off,” she told him. “I don’t know what, but I feel like something wrong.”

“Looming dread?” he asked. “You know everything with Erika is going to work out. It has to.”

“I don’t think that’s it. I just feel like something is eating at my brain. Something dark. And I can’t stop it.”

“Maybe it’s not up to you to stop it,” he said.

“It is,” she told him firmly.

“Alright,” he said, then he paused for a moment. “What do you need?”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. She leaned back and slipped, but his arms were already around, and he caught her before she even started to fall.

“Woah there,” he said with a laugh. He kissed her head. “I’ll stay up if you want someone to talk too,” he said.

“No, you made me sleep, now I’m going to make you sleep.”

“It’s not like I can sleep without you,” he admitted.

“You can,” she huffed, “you just don’t. Besides, doesn’t that make us codependent or too attached in a bad way?”

“Probably,” he said through a chuckle. “But if I ever wanted to be codependent on someone existing it’s you,” he whispered, making her shiver. He kissed her neck, then yawned.

“You have to sleep now honey,” she said. She removed his hands from her waist, then led him to the bed. “You’re my big baby, aren’t you?” she asked playfully as she tucked him in. She closed the blinds then came back to the bed and sat beside him. “Try and sleep,” she told him, “especially if you want me to sleep through the entire night.”

She pulled some melatonin out from the drawer. She plopped three pills into her hand, then read the label. It was 5mg more than what they usually bought. No wonder she had slept all night! He had given her fifteen extra milligrams.

“Aaron,” she said sternly.

“What?” he asked.

“You gave me extra melatonin so that I would sleep the night, didn’t you?” she accused, crossed.

“Dee,” he started.

“No, you can’t do this,” she continued. “You can’t just lie to me and tell me what you’re doing is best for me, even if it is. I can’t believe you would do this, I trusted you!”

“Idina,” he said firmly, making her stop. “The doctor asked you to sleep all night and suggested you raise your dosage by fifteen to sleep the night through.”

“Oh.” She swore. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, tears coming to her eyes. She let out a muffled sob. “I’m so sorry, I need to trust you more instead of jumping to conclusions.”

He sat up and hugged her. “I would be mad too if I thought you were giving me extra to make me sleep,” he said. “And the doctor said a lot. I’m sure there’s stuff I’ve already forgotten that you’ll remember.”

“I just wish I trusted you more,” she said, hugging him back. “I promise I’m trying,” she told him. “I really am, it’s just so hard.” She swore again. “Fuck Taye,” she muttered.

Aaron chuckled and pulled her closer. “I love you,” he said, “and if you love me that’s enough,” he informed her. “You’re the mother of my children and the most amazing woman in the world. I don’t expect you to be perfect, I expect you to be you.”

“Fuck Taye,” she said again with a small chuckle.

“As long as you’re not doing the fucking,” he joked. She snorted. He wiped away her tears and kissed her lips. “I’m never going to ask you for anything you’re not ready for. I know this will take years. I just want you to be healthy. And sleeping nights will help you get better.”

“I know,” she said, still clinging to him.

“And having a proper eating schedule,” he said. “I didn’t want to say anything, but you’ve lost over thirty pounds in the past three weeks, that’s ten a week and not healthy,” he said softly.

“Six,” she said.

“What?”

“I’ve lost six pounds in three weeks. The rest I lost in one day. I did the math, the babies were twenty-one pounds and four ounces all together, then there are all the fluids, the placentas, and the fact that I’d just pumped before we went to the doctors. Actual fat weight loss isn’t more than six pounds, babies on the outside are the majority of that number.”

“God, you’re amazing,” he mumbled, burying his face in her neck, and kissing her. “Twenty pounds of baby and we’re still married, I love you,” he repeated. She figured he had not done the math. “And you are still beautiful, no matter what. ‘Kay baby?”

“I accept that it’s your opinion,” she said. “Now you have to go to sleep, not an opinion. If I am sleeping nights you need to be sleeping days or this is going to implode. Like the death star.”

“The death star exploded.”

“It was in space, explosions are impossible, it should have been an implosion that created a black hole and made the problem a whole lot worse.” She chuckled. “A _whole_ lot worse!” she snorted.

He tickled her, making her laugh louder. “I love that sound,” he said kissing her nose. “I’m supposed to be making the bad jokes.”

“Well start making them daddy,” she breathed through giggles.

She kissed him, coaxing his mouth open and deepening the kiss, smiling as she felt the knots turning in her stomach. Her hands went into this thick black hair. She hoped the kids would have his hair. She felt his wrap around her waist as she turned her body to face him. He let out a deep low moan, making her smirk.

“Idina,” he breathed, slowly pushing her down. He took control of the kiss as the descended onto the mattress.

They just kissed like teenagers; hands roaming, just happy to be alone together. Quality alone time was something that did not happen with five children.

“You’re so beautiful,” he moaned as he kissed her neck, then her collarbone.

“You’re supposed to be going to sleep,” she muttered, her hands still tangled in his hair.

“This is better,” he replied, “I’m making myself tired.”

“We can’t,” she gasped, breathlessly, “the OBGYN said not for two months.”

“We can just kiss,” he told her, smiling at her flushed face. He ran a finger down her face, tracing her cheekbone.

“You need to sleep!” she exclaimed, trying not to give in. “And I promised Walker I’d play games with him,” she added.

“Just one more minute,” he said.

She rolled her eyes; she wanted this too. “Fine,” she said with a chuckle. “One more minute, you better make it count.” She locked lips with him, closing her eyes and encouraging him as he slipped away her clothes, moving lower and lower. “Oh, Aaron,” she muttered, her heart pounding. Why hadn’t she agreed to two minutes? Or five?

She let out a deep moan as he kissed her right where she wanted him too. She was completely naked with her husband’s face between her legs and her hands in his hair. He was grunting and sighing too, his hands roaming all over her skin.

“Yes,” she moaned a mere millisecond after she heard and registered that Erika asked if she could come in.

The door creaked open. “Oh!” they heard her yelp in surprise.

They both sat up straight and red-faced, Idina clutching a blanket to cover her chest.

“I’m sorry,” Erika stuttered quickly before dashing away. For once they could actually hear her as she bolted down the stairs.

Idina and Aaron exchanged a glance and laughed as the tension dissipated.

“Well, I guess one of us has to go deal with _that_ now,” Idina muttered. “God, how are we supposed to look her in the eye again?”

“I walked in on my parents once,” he said. “So first, it could have been a whole lot worse, and second, I think she’ll just ignore it and pretend to forget it. That is what I did. Did you ever walk in on yours?”

“Maybe,” she admitted. “I mean there’s something, but I’m not really sure what I was walking in on considering they decided to get divorced a few months later. Yeah, I just ignored it and acted like it never happened.”

“This is the type of traumatic childhood memory children should have if they have any,” he said with a chuckle.

“Now you have to go to sleep, I’ll deal with it,” she said, crawling to the edge of the bed to get up.

“Dee,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“You might want to consider some clothes first,” he reminded her with a chuckle.

“Fuck you,” she muttered.

“If you insist,” he said with a raised eyebrow, crawling closer and planting a kiss on her lips. He handed her her shirt and underwear. “I think your sweats are on the floor,” he informed her sheepishly.

“Great, now turn around, I need to get changed.”

He snorted. “You’re all ready butt naked.”

“Yup, and turn away,” she said, twirling her finger at him as she stood up. “And go to sleep.”

Shaking his head, he did as she asked and laid down, face in the pillow. Once she was changed, Idina dropped the melatonin bottle in his hand and told him to take some. She was going to hold down the fort until the triplets woke up.

* * *

Idina went downstairs to find Erika in the kitchen. “Hey,” she said awkwardly, her cheeks still red.

“Hi,” the girl mumbled, not looking at her.

“I’m sorry you, uh, had to see that,” she continued.

“I walked in,” Erika replied.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for, I should have been paying more attention,” she rambled on. She had been the one to say yes when Erika had asked to come in. Yes to the amazing world of yes Aaron was sending her to, but yes nonetheless.

“I’d be very concerned if you meant for this to happen,” she said quietly.

Idina cackled and suddenly the tension was gone. “Can we hug it out? I just feel so awful,” Idina asked.

“Sure,” Erika said with a shrug.

Idina sighed with relief, the tension in her shoulders melting away as she hugged her daughter. She smiled. Erika’s hugs were getting tighter and tighter as she got more comfortable with her. It was such a step up from the light brushes she had done when they first met. Idina kissed the top of Erika’s head and smiled.

They sat down on the couch and Idina kept her arm around Erika. “Still, I am sorry, but um, since this is already awkward,” she started, looking over at Erika who was staring at her expectantly, “I just want you to know you can always come to Aaron and I if you ever have any questions about anything, like dating, or something,” she began. “Or, I don’t know, period and bra stuff. Do you have a crush on anyone? And you do not have to tell, I’m just wondering.”

“No,” she said.

“You sure, not even Hudson?”

“I’m sure,” she replied.

“Okay,” Idina sad. She paused for a moment. “I’m still sorry.”

“That’s the fourth time you’ve said that.”

“I know, because I am, and I don’t want this to be some traumatic childhood moment that goes on to mess up your relationships in the future.”

“I think it’s pretty low on the list of things that are going to mess up my future relationships,” she said. “Very low down. I’ve walked in on a lot worse,” she said quietly.

“Worse like doing something worse, or worse like something completely different?” Then she added a small reminder that Erika never had to share something she was not ready to share.

“Both,” she girl replied. “It could have been worse.” She paused. “And I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. You two are not as subtle as you think you are.”

“Really?” she asked with a small laugh.

“Really,” she replied.

“God no,” Idina muttered, her face turning red again, her cheek burning. She pulled Erika close to her so that the girl could not see her face.

She felt an arm across her stomach as Erika leaned on her shoulder, making her smile as she rubbed the girl’s arm lovingly and wrapped her in a hug.

“So, while we’re here, is there anything you want to talk about or get off your chest right now?” she asked her daughter. “What’s going on inside your head?”

“Nothing,” she said unconvincingly. There was silence for a few minutes as Idina held her in the cuddle. “I just don’t get it,” she said. “What I said yesterday. I don’t get why they’re here now, or why they even left in the first place,” she admitted. Idina held her tighter. “I was as young as the triplets are now, I really do not get it. Sure, they are loud and annoying and there are three of them. I am not a fan of neediness or helplessness, but I do not get how anyone would just leave them alone. They need constant supervision.”

“You don’t get how someone could leave you alone,” she said.

“Yeah,” Erika admitted.

“Some people just aren’t meant to be parents,” she replied.

“But they had my sister,” she said, “for four years, and then there is my younger brother, right. He is five and still around. It feels like it was me. Maybe I should not have been born,” she muttered.

“Never say that!”

“Things might be different I wasn’t,” she said. “She would still be alive.”

“You don’t know that for sure,” Idina said, unsure what to say.

“It seems pretty plausible,” she said.

Idina hugged her tighter. “That might be true, but I wouldn’t have my family if you weren’t around,” she said. “Walker could have been killed by that bus, and we wouldn’t have the triplets.”

“You might have the triplets,” she said.

“No,” Idina replied. “It wasn’t a case of us trying since we got married and it just lining up the way it did, it was more of a deliberate rash two-week long decision that happened because I decided I was going to take time off work for you.”

“Oh.”

“Is that weird?”

“Um, no, I don’t know.”

“So, see, I wouldn’t have my family if it wasn’t for you, and you’re a part of my family.”

“I guess so,” Erika sighed.

Idina kissed her head. “Aaron and I love you.” She took a deep breath. “Like it or not, we are your parents. We say we love you. They don’t matter,” she said. “They do not, their opinions, nothing. We are your family now; our opinions are the only one that counts. Look at it that way.”

Erika was quiet for a moment. “I think I see it,” she said.

“Good,” Idina said. “And I want you to know that if the court does not place you with us for some reason, you can still come back when you turn eighteen. Even if they take you to Switzerland. We will pay for anything, plane, bus, train tickets, whatever. And you can have your room back and everything. And we will look into adult adoption because Aaron and I have been redoing our wills and there is a lot we want to do but can’t because you are still our foster child even if we don’t see it that way. But we are giving you as much as we can now and we will redo it again once the adoption goes through because it will,” she continued. “And in case it comes up, we don’t expect you to look after Walker and the triplets if something happens to us in a few years.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Erika said.

“What?”

“I wouldn’t mind,” she repeated. “If you both die skydiving or something in five years and I am capable of it, I wouldn’t mind. The only reason I would not end up in the 2/3 fosters who never make it past nineteen would be your fault and I would not mind. The system sucks and things post-mortem does not always go the way parents planned and I would not want any of them to be in, even for a few days. Because the likelihood of someone getting them out just gets worse. I know people like that. Their parents wrote in their will that their aunt should look after them, but the godmother wanted too and it stared a custody battle and in the end, nothing happened and they just got lost in the system.”

“That’s sweet, Erika,” she replied. “If you are serious, we can discuss once you turn eighteen, but don’t feel like you have too. They are not yours responsibly. I was the one who brought them into the world, I’m the one who’s going to look after them for as long as I’m able.”

“But skydiving accidents do happen,” she replied.

“I’m not going skydiving,” Idina informed her.

“Maybe you’ll get squashed by a skydiver then,” the girl said.

Idina chuckled a little bit. “Fine, maybe I’ll get squashed by a skydiver. But until then I am going to look after you and Walk and the triplets and there is nothing you can do about it. And you can’t go skydiving without my permission so don’t get any ideas.”

“I won’t,” she said cheekily. She hugged Idina and Idina hugged her back.

“I love you, Erika,” she said. “Truly.”

“I know,” the girl replied, her words a bit muffled against Idina’s shirt.

“Good,” Idina replied.

She smiled, holding her daughter close to her. She liked this and was so glad Erika was comfortable around her. Running her fingers through Erika’s brown hair, she knew she was making the right choices, even if they were hard. Going on the offensive was the way they had to go. They had to get it over quickly, no matter how messy. The Riveras could go to the press. She could too. Idina had a bigger platform, her word would spread quickly. She also had the most to lose, however, it was not her position, it was her daughter. She could become a pariah and it would be okay as long as her family was together.

Footsteps from the basement followed by doggy paws broke her out of her trance.

“Mom?” Walker called out. “Are you going to come to play Smash with Erika and me?”

Louie, feeling left out, jumped up on the couch and laid his head down in her lap, looking up at her with his huge dark eyes. She scratched him behind his ear.

“Yeah, ‘course Pumpkin,” she said.

He came over to her side, picked Louie up, and sat down beside his mother, placing the Westie on his lap. Idina snorted.

“What?” Erika asked.

“I just realized Louie is a Westie,” she said.

“Okay…”

“The first dog I got, Sammy Davis Jr. Jr, looked like Toto, and I didn’t mean him to look like Toto. And now I have a Westie,” she said, facepalming. “And I’m the Wicked Witch of the West.”

“I miss Sammy,” Walker said, petting Louie. “Does Dad still have him?”

“I don’t know,” Idina said. “He’d be an old puppy now anyway, we got him before you were born.”

“I like Louie,” Walker informed her. “Can we go play Smash now, please mommy? You’re always busy and you never play anymore.”

“I’ll think about it,” Idina teased, liking being surrounded by her children and fur baby. “Only if we play a few rounds of Mario Cart,” she decided after an exaggerated pause.

“Fine,” he huffed, rolling his eyes. Louie jumped off his lap as he stood up. “Let’s goooo!” he said, pulling on her’s and Erika’s arms.

Idina chuckled and stood up. The three of them went to the basement flanked by their dog, determined to run in between their legs on the stairs and trip one of them. They were having a fun mid-morning until the doorbell rang.

Walker paused the round as Idina huffed, racing up the stairs before whoever it was rung the doorbell again and woke either her sleeping children, mother, or husband up. She opened the door to find her mother in law standing there, a disappointed scowl on her face.


	68. Chapter 68

“Hi Dawn,” Idina said, looking past her mother in law to see if anyone else was there. She was alone.

“Hi Idina,” she said cheerily.

“Hi,” Idina repeated, somewhat dumbfounded.

“I was wondering if I could see my grandchildren,” she said sweetly.

Idina was instantly suspicious. “What has Aaron told you?” she asked. She knew Aaron had laid down the law. She had to apologize to both Erika and Walker and they had to accept the apology before him and Idina would decide if she was allowed to see them. And he had to agree before she was allowed to apologize.

“Oh, I said I was sorry,” she said, “and Aaron said I could come over.”

“Mhmm,” Idina said, not buying it. “Well, the triplets are asleep right now, but Walker and Erika are playing Smash Bros if you want to join in.”

“I’m not good at those video things,” she said. She held up her bag. “I got some stuff for the triplets,” she said, “maybe I could just put them in their room and—”

“No,” Idina said, cutting her off and moving so that she was blocking more of the door. She had never been so grateful for having some extra pounds. “They are sleeping,” she reiterated. “Walker and Erika are awake. If you do not want to hang out with all your grandchildren, you can’t see any of your grandchildren.” She looked down at the bag. “Did you just get stuff for the triplets?” she asked. “I don’t think you’re sorry.”

“The triplets still need stuff,” Dawn argued, “it’s just clothes and a few toys.”

“Aaron and I are capable of buying stuff for the babies,” she said. “You already gave us baby gifts. If you do not have something for all of the children, do not bring anything. Now, please leave.”

“But—”

“Please leave.”

“God, I don’t know why my son married you,” she spat. “It had to be for the money, dear, don’t think he actually likes you. You are clingy and you are old, and you have nothing going for you, especially with the crazy ex of yours. I know my son’s always wanted kids, and I have to say every year he did not break this off made me worried you had him tied up financially. You’d better be treating those triplets like royalty because he’s got them now, he doesn’t need you anymore.”

“What messed up world do you live in?” she snapped. “If Aaron wanted kids so much that is was a deal-breaker, he would have married someone younger. He married me because he _loves_ me.”

“Keep telling yourself that. He married you because you’re rich and a psycho in bed. Trust me, he wanted kids, and he would have left as soon as that became impossible. He is said he has been trying for years but your birth control never failed. Did you ever check his condoms? He was sabotaging them. He was ready to leave you until you are crying hysterics about adopting and he thought maybe you had finally come to your senses. Then you do not adopt a baby, but some teen who is going to get him thrown in jail with molestation accusations. Cannot leave you if he is behind bars, hon, right? He has been with you long enough to be entitled to enough money to look after the triplets and he can leave and marry someone who is not a mentally unstable bitch. He wanted your eggs and your bed and nothing else. He’s going to leave you one day you stop putting out and be better for it.”

Idina slammed the door in her face. She did not need to deal with this right now. What in the world did Dawn think she was going to achieve with this anyway? It was not going to get her access to her grandchildren. Lucinda was her only biological granddaughter as Aaron’s siblings only had boys, but that did not give her a free pass to write off Erika and Walker, nor pamper the girl more than her brothers. And id was defiantly not a free pass to insult the mother of her granddaughter.

Taking deep breaths and leaning against the door, she sunk to the floor. Her hands were shaking as she tried to bury her face in her hands.

Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me. Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me. Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me. Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me. Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me. Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me Aaron loves me.

She repeated the fact in her mind until it became a senseless ramble.

“Mom?” Walked asked. “Mom?” he said again, grabbing onto one of her shaking hands. “Mommy?” he said, his voice cracking and midway to a sob.

Footsteps came from upstairs. Strong, familiar hands held her, and a deep voice was talking to her, but she could not hear it. Someone was moving her. She was not sure how her legs were able to work, but she was suddenly and inexplicably on the couch, and she felt the familiar rise and fall of laying on someone’s chest. The same deep voice was muttering in her ear, but she was still shaking.

More hands started touching her. She knew them, but she did not, and her heart rate started to rise as she squeezed her eyes shut, just waiting for it all to be over. The other hands were quickly shooed away, and she was left alone save for the breathing machine underneath her.

Slowly, her senses came back. Aaron’s voice became clear in her head, his presence around her calming and protective. She opened her eyes, feeling like she was about to fall over even though she was laying on her back.

She held her breath.

“’Dina?” Aaron asked, rubbing her arms. She was so cold. Why was she so cold? Was she shaking or shivering? “Chickadee?” he asked again. He kissed her temple. “Are you okay?”

She did not say anything, but she took his arms and wrapped them around her.

“Who was at the door?” he asked.

She shook her head, tears appearing in her eyes. He hugged her tightly and she turned so that she was no longer laying on her back and held onto him. He was here because he loved her. He did not have to be here anyway, not that he had what he had wanted. He had kids and money, he did not have to stay and deal with her, but he was, so he loved her. Right?

No.

She broke down.

“What’s wrong love?” he asked.

“No,” she croaked in between hears. _Do not call me that._ She did not want him to lie to her.

“Oh, baby, what’s going on?” he cooed, pulled her closer. He pulled the blanket off the head of the couch and wrapped it around her. “Taye can’t hurt you,” he said. “I’m here, I’m going to keep you safe, okay? You and Erika and Walker and the triplets. We’re safe,” he told her.

Idina kept muttering incoherently and shaking her head. Aaron was worried. He knew she had been feeling off, but this was different than a flashback. Or it was the worse one she had ever had. He hugged her, hoping it would help, but nothing would stop his wife from trembling. He never should have left her alone when he knew something might happen.

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you,” he said again, and she started crying harder.

They should go to the bedroom. It was not good for Walker, especially to see his mother like this. Aaron knew the kid blamed his dad and watching Idina have an episode always made it worse. He did not want Walker seeing him mom like this and developing unhealthily hated towards Taye. Not that Idina’s ex did not deserve it, but because it would not be good for Walker later on.

But he did not want to move her either and overstimulate her.

“Hey, baby,” he said again as softly as he could. “You are safe, baby,” he said. “Want to go watch the triplets sleep?” he asked, wondering if they would help. “We can bring them into our room and just lay there,” he whispered. “We’ll put them on your chest, and they’ll be all yours till they wake up.”

Idina was not shaking as much anymore and was looking up at him. He leaned down and planted a kiss on her lips. She stopped shaking and he held her tighter, pulling her even closer. Her arm slowly extended and wrapped around his neck as she melted into his kiss, rotating her body, and pressing herself against him. He sighed as she started kissing him back, strength returning to her once jelly limbs. She sighed too and Aaron suddenly felt relieved because for now, she was alright.

Idina pulled away, her face red and puffy and her eyes bloodshot. Her lower lip was trembling even though she was biting it as she studied his face.

“You know who I am?” he asked, just in case.

Timidly, she nodded. He smiled. She was still gripping his shirt with a white-knuckled grip.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

She pouted and shook her head. He pulled her back against his chest, petting her, soothing her, and telling her it would be alright. He played with her hair and kissed the top of her head until she calmed down.

“Can we see the babies?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said with a smile.

He picked her up, not wanting to break their physical contact. As she clung to him, he knew it was the right idea. Her grip was getting stronger and he could tell that her breaths were getting more regular. He gracefully dipped her down, setting her on her feet at the door of the nursery, but she was still holding onto his shirt.

They opened the door quietly, Aaron holding onto his wife so that she could free her arms. She picked up Soren, their best sleeper, and pulled him close, kissing his brow.

“We should let them sleep alone,” she whispered with a bit of a pout.

“No,” he said, “they’re yours. Your little bundles of joy. You can do what you want.”

“They’re their own people,” she replied. She pulled Soren’s cap down a little bit. She was cold and worried he might be too. Soren liked being warm. He was always happy to curl up beside someone during playtime while his siblings were much more interested in trying to crawl and move around. “I love you little Soren,” she whispered. “Mommy loves you so much, little baby. All three of you.” She put the baby back down in his crib. He grunted a bit, a little bubble forming on the lip. “Good dreams,” she wished them. Then she hugged Aaron again.

He held her, lifting her off her feet and holding her until it felt like everything was alright. Then he took both her hands and they made it to their bedroom without knocking anything over. He sat down and brought her down beside him before wrapping her up in the blankets. She looked cold.

“Are you okay?” he asked again, rubbing her arms with the blanket to try and warm her up.

“I’m really cold,” she told him, her teeth chattering a bit.

“I haven’t checked the ac, but it’s well over forty outside. Will that help?” She shook her head and leaned into him. He wrapped her up like a burrito. “Are you pregnant again?” he asked jokingly. She shot him a death glare. “What happened?”

“The doorbell rang,” she said. He waited for her to elaborate. “And your, um, mom was there. And she had some really nice things to say and um I slammed the door in her face and I’m not really sure what happened after that.”

“Walker came up to check on you and found you on the floor, so he told Erika to wake me up and you’ve been shaking and crying,” he said.

“I’m so cold,” she said again, “I don’t know why.”

“You’re sweating, Dee,” he informed her, wiping off her brow. “I’m really concerned about you. You have not started taking the prescriptions yet, have you? It’s fine if you have, I just need to know this could be some sort of allergic reaction or just a reaction in general.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to put the triplets on formula until is necessary,” she reminded him.

“Idina,” he said with a heavy sigh, “it might be necessary now. I don’t know what my mom said, but I know it’s not your usual reaction to whatever she decides is okay to say to someone’s face.”

“But—”

“No buts Idina. What if you were home alone, or this happened in public? What if you’d been carrying one of the triplets?”

She went pale at the thought. If she had been if she would, she would have, could have—

“Dee,” Aaron said, snapping her back to reality. “Nothing happened now, but this is getting worse again. I have never seen you like this. It’s scaring me because I don’t know what to do if you won’t help yourself.”

She was still shivering even though she could feel the beaded sweat rolling down her face.   
“I feel awful,” she admitted.

He pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. “You have a fever,” he informed her.

She swore. “What about the triplets?” she asked instantly.

“I don’t think they have fevers, and I don’t think you have a bug,” he replied. “So, they should be fine.”

Idina sighed, still shivering.

“I’m going to call your doctors,” Aaron said. “Lay down and I’ll get you some water too, ‘kay babe?”

“Okay,” she said as she laid down.

“And whatever my mom said, don’t think about it. She’s on time out until she can figure out how to behave, if she tried to talk to you again, just get me and I’ll get rid of her.”

“Okay,” she said again.

“Want me to tell your mom?” he asked.

“No,” she said. “Let her baby the babies. I’ve got you now to baby me.”

“Yeah,” he said with a smile, laying down beside her and hugging her. “You’ve got me to baby you now and I love it. You’ve got me,” he repeated.

She nodded. “I’m starting to feel a bit warmer,” she informed him.

“Good, now I’m going to call your doctors, be prepared for me to relay their million repetitive questions when I get back.”

She chuckled, pulling the blankets around herself as he left the room.

“Mommy?” Walker called out a few minutes later.

“Yeah Pumpkin?” she asked. “Mommy’s in her room.”

Walker crawled onto the bed and snuggled close to her. “Are you okay mom?”

“Yeah, I think so,” she said. “I might be a bit sick.”

“Sick sick, or head sick?” he asked.

“I’m not sure Pumpkin,” she replied. “But we have medicine for both, so I’ll get better, ‘kay?”

“’Kay,” he said as she wrapped an arm around him. “Are you cold?” he asked. “You’re shivering.”

“Yes, I’m cold, really cold,” she told him.

He wormed his way under the blankets. “I’m warm, you always complain I’m a heater,” he said as he got the blankets around.

She chuckled. “Yes, you are,” she said, tickling him under the chin. “My little heater.” She kissed the back of his head. “Don’t get overheated though.”

“I’m good,” he reassured her. “You’re terrible at Smash,” he continued. “And you’re using the bad characters. Even Erika knows it better to use a higher tier character. She uses Rosalina and Luma and the star’s so annoying ‘cause when she figured out how to use it, she can attack people from far away.”

“I choose mine based on cuteness,” she replied.

“That’s stupid. It’s not going to be fun.”

“I was having fun.”

“You were losing and not having fun.”

“Walk, I’m your mother and I might be sick. I get to say I was having fun and you have to believe me because I said so.”

“When I have my own house, I’m going to tell you dogs fly when they come over and you’ll have to believe me because I said so.”

She chuckled. “When you get your own house, you can do anything legal,” she replied.

“Unhun, and I’m gonna eat candy and watch cartoons whenever I want.”

“Even as a pro basketball player?”

“It’s going to be my secret weapon.”

“I love you so much Walkie,” she said.

“I know mom,” he huffed.

Aaron came back, phone pressed to his ear. He was nodding along and stuck a thermometer in Idina’s ear. The tip was freezing. It beeped and he took it out and relayed the temperature to the other end of the phone. No wonder she was cold, she was alarmingly hot. If any of her children had a temperature that high, she would have them in the emergency room. She studied his face as he looked at her, the back of his hand going to her forehead again.

“Are you sure you didn’t start taking the medicine?” he asked again.

She nodded as he walked to the bathroom.

“Dee,” he said as he came out, holding her vitamins. “Did you take these?”

“Um, yeah?” she said. “They’re my postpartum vitamins,” she reminded him.

“No, they’re not,” he said. “Idina they’re the prescription pills for the injections.”

“No,” she argued.

He sat down beside her, and Walker scooted out of the way. Idina sat up, feeling dizzy. She took the package from him. It was similar to her vitamins, but as she studied it, they were not.

“Idina, they’re making me ask, did you take them on purpose?”

“No,” she said.

“How many did you have?”

“Three, I thought they were my vitamins.”

He swore. “Dee, you’re supposed to have half a day and slowly increase the dosage, it’s supposed to be taken with the injections and these,” he said, pulling up another package.

“Do I have to get my stomach pumped?” she mumbled.

“At this point, it’s not going to do anything,” he told her. He pulled some of the other tablets out and hung up the call. “Take these, I’m going to get the injections from the fridge. Congrats, you have just skipped the whole ‘slowly increase the treatment’ period and transitioned straight into the highly medicated state. And before you start arguing, you cannot just not take more, you cannot come off of these without doctor supervision. Remember, skipping increasing your risk for a heart attack or stroke, and with your brain, the way it has been a stroke would be severe.”

She swore. This was not what they had planned.

“Mom said a bad word!” Walker exclaimed.

“Mommy’s allowed to say a bad word right now, Walk,” Aaron told him.

“Why’s the medicine making her sick?” he asked.

“Because she took a bit too much of it, and not all of it. Remember that we keep her injections in the fridge?” The boy nodded. “The pills mom took are supposed to work with the injections, and the injections stop her body from freaking out because of the pills. And the little pink ones are supposed to help her with her muscle spasms. Those do not really affect anything else though. Why don’t you make sure mommy takes the little pink pills while I get her injection?”

“Will it make mom better?”

“Hopefully,” Idina replied. She hugged him. She had just sabotaged herself now. She told Walker to go downstairs and play, then asked Aaron if he could get her breast pumps because she wanted to get every last drop of milk out before the medicine started seeping into her babies’ food supply.

He kissed her head and hugged her supporting. “It’s going to be okay Chickadee. I’ll ask your mom to pick up some formula when she goes out today.”

“I want to feed them one last time,” she muttered.

He kissed her temple again. “I’ll get the pumps when I get the injection. I do not want to leave you alone though in case something happens. Do you think you can make it down the stairs?’

“Um.”

“I’ll carry you,” he decided, picking her up, blankets and all.

They made their way to the main floor and he put Idina down on the couch. He got her pump. She milked herself as Aaron prepared the injection needle and sterilized everything for her.

“Ready?” he asked, handing her the pen.

“Yes,” she said, taking a deep breath. Three weeks breastfeeding was better than nothing, she told herself. Her children would be fine. They could mix the formula into her breastmilk so that it lasted longer, and they were still getting some of the nutrients. She took the needle from her husband and exposed her stomach. Closing her eyes, she put the orange tip to her skin, then pressed the button on the top. “Ouch!” she exclaimed. It had not hurt that bad the doctor had made her do a test injection in her leg to learn how the pen worked.

Aaron counted out ten long seconds until she pulled it away from her body. There was a red circular spot about the size of her bellybutton. She ran her thumb over it as Aaron handed her the pink pills and a water cup. She downed them.

“I’m so proud of you,” Aaron said.

“You’re not mad?”

“A bit,” he admitted. “You could have died. Seriously. But I get that it was a mistake. We can’t make any more mistakes though,” he reminded her. “Okay? Having you around is a whole lot more important than breastfeeding. And not just for the triplets, for me, Erika and Walker too.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I just feel like I’m not being a good mother if I can’t,” she said.

“You are an amazing mother,” he told her.

“You don’t get it, there’s no pressure on you to spend time with them. You got out with the boys, and people ask you if you are stuck on babysitting duty. I get crucified for forgetting to pay the tooth fairy.”

He hugged her. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” he said.

“I do.”

“You shouldn’t,” he replied. He kissed her temple. “Now, I’m going to call Felicity and see if she can give you something to help stop the milk if that’s a thing.”

“I’m pretty sure it is,” she replied, still shivering a bit.

“I’m going to make you chicken soup,” he decided. “And I will warn your mom, so she doesn’t have a heart attack when she sees you. Let’s move you to a chair in the kitchen, you’re under observation for the next few hours.”

“I think I can walk,” she said, standing up.

He helped her anyway, asking her if she minded sharing what her mother had said. She told him.

“It’s not true,” he informed her. “I’m not really sure how to prove it, but I’d like to point out she has no proof either.”

“I think she’s mad, I don’t believe it either,” she replied. “It doesn’t help that I’m bad at trusting people. I love you,” she said, hugging him. “You’re cold,” she mumbled against his skin.

“That’s because you have a fever,” he reminded her. “Which is why I’m going to make you chicken soup.”

She kissed him on the cheek as he sat her down on one of the chairs. She played on her phone while Aaron made the soup, then decided to throw on a few other things and make a large lunch for the whole family. Yesterday had been intense and tomorrow was not going to be fun either. He kept checking over his shoulder every minute or so, making sure his wife was not going comatose or having some sort of reaction.

He had a great lunch brewing when Walker came down from his room to inform them he was hungry.

“Soon,” Aaron told him, mooting to the stove.

Walker went over to his mom and hugged her. “Are you feeling better?”

“A bit,” she replied. “We’ll know for sure in a few hours.”

He pulled out a chair beside her and started showing her the new Pokémon he caught while walking Louie this morning.

“And Erika caught a shiny,” he said.

“Oh,” Idina replied, having no idea what that meant.

“They’re rare, a different colour, and have sparkles.”

“I like sparkles,” she replied, thinking of all the crazy outfits she had covered in sequins that made her look like a disco ball. “Why don’t you go wake grandma and tell her and Erika that we’re going to have lunch soon.”

“Okay,” he mumbled, going back upstairs.

Food made her feel a lot better. Her fever was still high, but it was slowly going down as the afternoon pressed on. Hopefully, she would be decent enough to appear in court tomorrow. While she still felt like she was betraying her children by feeding them formula, she knew it was a compromise for a better future for them. And Soren, for once, seems quite happy to spend all day with her now that she was a human radiator. Putting him down to sleep had been easy that night because the baby fell asleep on her chest and Idina did not have the heart to move him nor let anyone else do it. Aaron took a picture, much to her protest, but of course, upon seeing her little boy passed out on her chest and her flushed face and amused smile as she had been trying to dodge the picture. Framer for sure.

Scrolling through her phone, she started getting more messaged than usual. She called Aaron over from where he was still trying to soothe Lucinda. Zephyr was still happily feeding in his grandma’s arms.

He looked over her should at her phone and swore. The Riveras had gone to the press and they were bashing Aaron and Idina. The internet was enraged and on fire. 


	69. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't already, please check out my Idina Menzel one-shot book. I'm still taking requests!

There was a good side to Rivera’s idea to go public. Now they did not have to worry about what would happen if they went on the offensive. It was already out in the open. Idina texted Carlyle with Aaron watching over her shoulder, still holding a restless baby. At least Lucinda was not bawling, but Idina was fairly certain she would want her mother soon as start causing ruckus only she could create. And with Soren snoozing on her chest, she wanted nothing more than to bring all three of them into her room and sleep with them there. Once in a while would not create a dependency, right? If they’d been one baby, she had to face it, they would have spent every night from the moment they were born to now in their room, but with three it could be just too hard to manage sometimes.

Carlyle knew what had happened. His firm was blowing up his phone just as much as Idina’s fans and enemies were blowing up hers. He told them not to read it, not yet. Not to worry about it. He had people on it If they had mentioned anything about Erika, this would be such a blatantly illegal act they would go to jail. Idina could not even post a picture of her daughter without CPS jumping down her throat and threatening to take her away. That was the thing with foster, no social media posts. It had helped surprisingly in their angle that this was not a press stunt. The TV interviews for her movie had been nothing but a miracle.

Idina huffed at her phone and Aaron toke it away from her.

“Hey!” she exclaimed.

He shushed her and pointed to the sleeping infant. She flipped him the bird as he told her not to get worked up over it as there was nothing they could now and getting worked up was not productive.

She picked Soren up, his face resting in her hand and his legs dangling on either side of her arm. She kissed him. They were sleeping in their room tonight. Idina knew she was supposed to be sleeping all night long but how could she resist? Aaron could barely do it and he had not carried them for nine months.

Lucinda was getting drowsy. Her face was falling asleep, and then she would perk up and look around when someone moved, only to fall asleep again. This girl did not want to miss a single thing, that was certain.

“Babies in our room?” she whispered to her husband.

He nodded enthusiastically, a large smile upon his face as he cradled their daughter and kissed her little forehead. Idina was had been stupid to worry that she would not have enough perfect left for them; Aaron was overflowing with it. Still, even after he had used it to create three perfect babies.

They went to their room and found that Walker was already there sound asleep. Idina kissed his brow, rousing him by accident. Since he was awake, she asked him to move to the edge so that he did not roll onto one of the triplets. He was a bit bummed he could not have a baby to himself, but Idina promised him all the cuddles and he soon conceded once she had agreed he could bring in Mr. Rabbit.

He rushed off to his room to get the toy while Idina and Aaron made their bed infant friendly. When the boy came back, Idina wrapped him in a blanket to keep him warm, then laid down on her back with him snuggling her arms. Neither her nor Aaron moved that much in their sleep, so they were not too worried about hurting the babies.

Aaron had Lucinda and Zephyr on his chest and Soren had pressed himself up against Idina’s other side, very content in his mother’s fever. She kept an arm around each son.

* * *

She woke up hours later, head pounding, to a fussing Soren who was kicking her in the ribs. Trying not to rouse anyone else, she quickly took him out of the room before he got too loud.

“Mommy?”

Evidently, she had woken Walker.

“Out here, Pumpkin,” she said. She looked back to Soren. “What do you want?’ she asked the baby.

“Ah,” was all he said.

“Does your nappy need changing?” she cooed. “Are you hungry? Do you want more mommy?” She took him downstairs, figuring even if his diaper was not soaking, he will still be more comfortable in a new one.

Walker followed her, tired and dragging the blanket.

She started humming her diaper changing song. It was quite an impressive piece if she was being honest. Really showed off her range and had a place for impromptu amusing faces and raspberries.

“Stop singing,” Walker moaned.

“If you don’t like, go to sleep,” she told him. “Mommy’s going to sing if she wants too, isn’t that right Soren?” She continued the sing as she cleaned the baby in the low light and—

She swore. He pied all over her. Sighing, she cleaned herself, then cleaned the baby one more time. He was fussier now, kicking at her hands as tried to fasten it in place. It took her well over twenty minutes to range the child into his new diaper and once it was over, he seemed no more or less content.

“Can I hold him?” Walker asked.

“Sure,” she said. She had him all night. She could let her son have his younger brother for a few minutes while she got herself something to eat.

“Is he hungry?” Walker asked. “Can I feed him?”

“If he’s hungry,” she said.

They went to the kitchen and Idina pulled a bottle out of the fridge and got herself a snack while Walker sat down on the couch, talking to Soren. Of course, the baby had no idea what was going on most of the time, but Idina knew it was good to talk to them. It stimulated them during a time when they needed stimulation.

She first swapped half the breast milk out for formula, then put it in the microwave. After testing in on the inside of her elbow to make sure it was not too warm, she handed it to Walker. It seemed Soren was hungry, because he ate it up in record time, then started crying again.

“I think he wants seconds,” Walker said. “He’s pretty big now isn’t he mom? He was a lot smaller before.”

“Yep,” she said. “That why we tell their years in months because they grow so much every week. I miss it when you what small, you were so perfect and Taye and I would bring you into our bed,” she lamented. “You had the cutest nose and you would laugh in your sleep all the time.” He watched her intently as she got lost on a tangent about a happy time in her life when everything seemed like it was going to work out. She had just been learning about her role in _Frozen_. She had a newborn. She was going to be on _Glee_. And out of all of that, what she missed most was waking up with her baby in her arms, in her husband’s arms and not understanding what it felt like to get hurt, emotionally or physically.

Sometimes she wished she could turn back time. But then she hated herself because this was not bad, it was different. Suffering had made her who she was today and gave her everything she had now. Who knows if she would have the seen the success of _If/Then_ if they had tried for another child? She would not have stayed in close contact with Aaron after their small showing of _See What I Wanna See_ , that was sure and certain.

But then Walker’s life might be better than it was now. Was the price of four people she never would have met in that former life worth it? Idina was not sure, and that just made her more confident that this was right in all its messed-up logic.

“I wished I remembered that,” Walker said.

“Me too Pumpkin, it’s a lovely memory.” She pulled him close and kissed his brow. “But Soren’s not going to remember this either, which kind of sucks, but once he starts teething, I’m sure it’ll be worth it.”

“Teething?”

“When all his baby teeth start pushing through his gums.”

“Ow,” Walker said.

“Yup, big ochie for babies. Frozen chew toys are the only thing we can do about it, and it’s debatable how much that helps.”

She heard Aaron’s steps coming down the stairs and heard the wailing of her two other kids.

“Good middle of the night,” he mumbled, handing her both of them as he went to get them bottles, his feet shuffling.

“Could you get another for Soren?” she asked. “He’s still hungry.”

“Eats like his father,” Aaron joked. “We might need another fridge when he turns sixteen.”

Idina chuckled. Walker was already starting to eat more and more, and in a few years, he would be shooting up like a weed. He was not going to be her little boy for too much longer.

“We might need another when Walk turns sixteen.”

“Hey!” he exclaimed.

“It’s not bad Walk, everyone goes through a growth spurt where they eat a lot. And they must eat a lot when it happens, or they get stunted growth.”

“What does stunted growth mean? I heard you say that when you talk about Erika sometimes.”

“It means that something happened, oftentimes not eating enough food, and they don’t grow as much as they are supposed to. Sometimes if a kid had chemotherapy or other such treatments near their spine they might have stunted growth, but with Erika, we were worried she’d never had enough to eat and that’s why she was shorter than me. And since her parents are all taller than me, that is probably it.”

“Oh,” he said. “So, we have to feed the triplet all the time then too because they are growing so much?”

“Yes,” she replied. “And they have very small tummies so they can’t keep a lot of food in their bodies like you and me.”

He tickled Soren’s tummy. “He is small,” Walker said. “You were this small once too? It’s hard to imagine.”

“I was a bit bigger. The triplets are smaller than most babies because there were three of them stuck in my tummy, but yeah, we were all small like them once.”

Walked cradled his little brother. “I like having a little brother,” he decided. “I’m going to teach them to be cool once they’re older.”

Idina smiled as Aaron handed both of them bottles and took Zephyr from her. They fed the triplets. Soren did not finish his second bottle and both Zephyr and Lucinda wanted more too. Looks like they would have needed formula anyway because even if she pumped every three hours nonstop there was no way she was lactating enough to keep with the demands for all three. It made her slightly more at ease with her new predicament.

After sending Walker back up to sleep, Aaron and Idina were free to play with their triplets for a few hours until they were tired and hungry again.

* * *

Idina was still feeling a bit woozy the next day as they made their way to the courthouse, but she no longer had a raging fever. Her body was still adjusting to the medication as she could not drive or operate heavy machinery until they knew how it affected her, but she had Aaron, her personal chauffeur, so it was not a problem. It was seeming like grogginess was a side-effect she might have to adjust for, but then again, she had three newborns.

Aaron kept a strong hand around her waist, though she was unsure of it was because he was trying to support her if he was just as stressed as she was. He was never bothered by her extra weight. She had put on around a hundred pounds during the pregnancy and had yet to lose half of it, yet he never seems to mind that she had some back-rolls or a large muffin top. Not that she would blame him if he wasn’t as attracted to her anymore as she had s feeling if she put on one hundred pounds she wouldn’t be as attracted either, she was just glad that he knew it was the pregnancy and that he knew she was working on it. Not to mention that he was still concerned that she was dropping pounds too quickly. He always said it was the body that gave him triplets and he had no reason not to love it. Such a one-eighty from post-pregnancy life with Taye.

Idina was zoned out through most of today’s session. There was not much she had to do other than sit there and she was drained. She was more focused on her husband rubbing her back than whatever nonsense the Rivera’s lawyer was spewing. For some reason, she just could not bring herself to care. After last night, it just seemed pointless. The Riveras did not care about Erika, period. It was clear as day, at least to Idina. This was all just for show now, at least, that was how she was seeing it.

Sometime later, a TV was wheeled in, loud and squeaking with a broken wheel. That snapped her out of her trance.

“They’re showing the footage of Erika’s interview from two days ago,” he whispered without her having to ask. He knew her so well. His arm wrapped around her and he rubbed her upper arm, pulling her closer. He wanted her for emotional support. She loved him so much.

They booted up the TV and it showed Erika sitting down, her face a bit flushed, and her arms crossed. Snow, Carlyle, and some others were in the room.

They first cleared up that Elvira’s assault accusations had no grounding in truth, then, with Erika permission, preceded to continue to ask her questions that presumably, the Rivera’s lawyer would have asked. Or at least they were following her general line of questioning, but not asking her absurd questions.

Idina perked up. She squeezed her husband’s hand as Carlyle leaned against the rails from where he had been standing, arms crossed and his working face on, ready to dissect what was about to happen.

They should have been more insistent on more private questioning, not a public one. It was clear the room was much calmer and Erika did not have to stress about saying something she did not want to in front of her and Aaron or Elvira and Elija.

“We’re just going to cover the baselines; do you believe you are being financially coerced to make a choice one way or another?”

“No.”

“Is your decision made from your own free will, without any threats, extortion, or other manipulation?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you want to stay with Mrs. Menzel and Mr. Lohr?”

“Um, I’m safe, I guess. I highly doubt they’d let someone stab me.”

“There’s no need to be dramatic Ms. Rivera, we’re all on the same side here.”

“I’m not,” she huffed.

“Ms. Rivera, you’ve never been in danger of being stabbed, it’s an unfair comparison.”

Erika said nothing, just leaned over the table and searched through the paper. The inquisitor when to stop her, but Carlyle held him off. Erika handed him a paper without expression.

“Oh,” the inquisitor said as he read over it. “I was informed. So being stabbed is a concern of yours?’

“Yes.”

“And you believe Mrs. Menzel and Mr. Lohr reduced that risk the most?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Their actions so far have shown me they have my best interests in mind.”

“Do you not think the Riveras have your best interest in mind?’

“I do not think they do.”

The interrogator wrote down some notes. Idina was shocked Elvira had not said anything yet, though she would not be surprised if they had both gotten a stern lecture from their lawyer.

“Did you think your current guardians would be when you first met them?’

“no,” she admitted quietly.

“Then is it possible your initial assessment of the Riveras is wrong?”

“I guess.”

“but you still prefer to stay with your current guardians.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Idina and Aaron, they’ve had chances to turn back, and they haven’t. While the, uh, other, they left me, and I don’t trust anyone’s word. I do not want to give them the chance to do it again. I could be wrong, but I could be right. And if I have a choice, I’d rather stay with the people who have so far proven I can trust them than the people who put me in situations no one would be in.”

“That’s understandable, however people change.”

“And some people don’t.”

The interviewer wrote down more on his paper. “So you’re set in your statement then?”

“Yes.”

“Would getting to know Mr. and Mrs. Rivera aid in your ability to make a more informed decision not brought from emotional baggage?”

“I don’t want to ever see them again.”

“See, Miss Rivera, you are coming from a place of emotion now, not logic. Statistics show that children with parental support do better in life than children without.”

“I have Idina and Aaron.”

“They are not your parents.”

“They don’t leave one-month-old alone to die.”

“That was in the past.”

“It’s all I have to go on.”

“Yes, I know. Right now that is all you have to go on, so cannot make an informed decision. You are missing half of the information. It’s like saying you hate all seafood because you don’t like tuna.”

“It’s more like saying I don’t like apples because I chocked on one once and now I’m clinically traumatized had had attachment and trust disorders because of it and have decided that it’s safe to go with bananas because they are mushier.”

“Let’s not get into the metaphorical.”

“You started it.”

“yes, I suppose I did.”

“Mr., um,” she looked around for a name tag. “Treiman, did you know that when someone dies you should close their eyes like in the movie because all the gas leaves and you’ll just leave two-fingers indeed in the eyes and the lids won’t stay shut?”

“No…” he said tentatively.

“I know this because I tried it once. I had to because of something that never would have happened if those two had not abandoned me. I’m sorry if I’m coming from a place of emotion, but this a situation that has more to do with my emotional and mental wellbeing than my physical, though I still believe Aaron and Idina are better for my physical as well. I’d rather be with the people who never put me in this situation, to begin with, and who have been doing nothing but trying to help me, a relative stranger since we. I’d rather be with the people who can afford the therapist who is helping me get over all the stuff that happened in the foster care system because nothing is caring about that system. I’d rather not be sent to live with two people who I just meant today and who made a very bad impression. Not to mention bruised my wrist,” she said as she held up her wrist, which was indeed a bit blue. “I don’t want to give anyone a second chance because I can’t handle them not changing. I’m not willing to give them a chance because I believe the possible _harm_ that might come grossly outweighs any arbitrary benefits.” She leaned back in her chair; arms crossed. “You say you want what’s best for me, but you have been ignoring the li8scened professionals telling you what’s best for me.”

The TV was turned off and Carlyle made his finishing statement to a room where one could hear a pin drop. The rest of the preceding’s for the day was wrapped up quickly. There was nothing much more to say, everyone needed to think and reassess their position. Carlyle gave them discreet thumbs-up as they wrapped up.

* * *

Idina spent the evening with her eldest daughter, and by that, she meant she sat upright on her bed while Erika laid across it reading and not paying much attention as Idina could not figure out what to say. Aaron made her favourite food for supper. Erika knew they were compensating for something, but never bothered to call them out on. Helen knew something was up too. But it seemed like Idina and Aaron were the only ones bothered, and they figured they were for Erika knew everything already and liked the way things were and Helen and Walker had no idea.

That did not stop both of them from going past her room that night and wishing her goodnight nor did it stop Idina from kissing her brow.

“What happened?” Erika asked. “You guys are acting clingy.” She sat up straight and Idina sat down beside her.

“They played the video from two days ago of your interview.”

“Okay, and…” Erika asked softly.

Idina hugged her, “We love you,” she said.

“I know,” Erika replied firmly. “You don’t need to be so clingy.”

“Yes, I do,” Idina said, not letting go.

“Don’t pity me, please, I really don’t like it,” she said.

Idina sighed. “I’m trying not to,” she replied. “Okay, we’re both trying?”

“You promise you are?”

“I am,” she said truthfully. “And know that we do everything not because we feel sorry for you but because you are a part of our family.”

“I know,” she said with a yawn. “You say it like every day.”

Idina smirked. “If you’re complaining about it, it’s working.”

“ _Goodnight_ Idina,” Erika said with the most sass she had ever heard. Granted it wasn’t much for most people, but for Erika, it was an outstanding feat.

“Goodnight _Erika_ ,” she sassed back, absolutely living for the exchange.

“Okay, great you can leave now.”

Idina chuckled, kissing Erika on the forehead one last time, then tucking her in. “Nighty-night.”

“I’m nor four.”

“You’re also not eighteen, now go to sleep, you have work tomorrow.” And with that, she turned off the light and slipped out the door.


	70. Chapter 70

The next morning, nothing woke Idina up. Not the triplets, not Aaron, not an alarm. Rising into a sitting position, she rubbed her eyes and looked around. The area on the bed beside her was empty. She pulled her phone from the counter, only to find that was out of power despite being plugged in. great, the last thing she wanted to worry about was something as trivial as a broken charger. She would have to ask Aaron to get her a new one the next time he did a supply run.

Walking downstairs, she noticed that the house was eerily dark and devoid of electrical humming. When she made it to the main floor, her suspicions were confirmed. Everything was off. Erika and Walker were sitting at the kitchen table with a tub of melting ice-cream and Walker seem to have some on his forehead.

“Hi mom!” he said.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” she asked Erika. It was definitely late in the morning.

“I went in but the power’s out there too and the generators can’t power everything so they’re doing a thing with disco light and alcohol so everyone under twenty-one was sent home.”

“Oh,” she said, going to the fridge to get her injections.

“We put them in the freezer since the fridge is now room temperature,” Erika informed her. “That’s why we’re eating the ice cream, we needed to make room.”

“Thanks,” she said as she opened the freezer instead. Her injections were a bit cooler than normal, but as long as they had not warmed up, they should still be fine.

Walker brought her a bowl as she sat down to take the injection. She smiled at him as she stuck the pen to her skin and counted to ten, slowly. As she was putting the garbage away, she realized how devoid her house was of other people. The boys were in their downstairs cots, kinds drowsy but not asleep. Lucinda was not around. There was a third cot, so she knew Lucinda was not an hallucinational side effect of her new medication.

“Where’s Aaron?” she asked. “And mom?”

“Aaron took Lucinda to her pediatrician appointment,” Walker said. “I think Grandma went shopping.”

“Oh,” Idina said again as she picked up Zephyr, who was much more awake than Soren.

The baby gurgled and pulled at her hair. She freed her hair, then put him down to go take her pills. When she was done, she came back into the living room since she was supposed to be under observation for twenty minutes after completing her treatment in case something happened. Normally she just cuddled with Aaron and sometimes a baby or three. She would have texted him, taking a picture of the puncture wound, just so he knew she was taking the medication because she wanted him to be completely focused on the doctor and Lucinda, not worrying about whether or not his adult wife was adult enough to medicate herself, but could not. So she asked to borrow Erika’s phone.

“Mine’s dead,” she said.

“Walk?”

“Do I have too?” he whined.

“Yes,” Idina said. She normally would have reminded him that she paid for it, but that was the type of thing one shouldn’t say in front of Erika, because she subconsciously stops seeing things as hers and instead of theirs and Idina was willing to be a bit more lenient it meant her daughter learnt how to own a gift.

He handed it to her. She quickly took the picture and sent it to Aaron, resisting the urge to bed him to tell her everything before it happened and just ended with the simple request to keep her informed and come home safely.

Going back to the cots, she picked up her ice cream along the way and just stared at the babies. Soren was asleep, but Zephyr was watching her with his vampire's eyes. He yawned, making Idina yawn in turn as keys turned in the door.

She went to the door and was slightly disappointed to see her mother instead of her husband.

“Can I help you with the groceries?” she asked anyway.

“You should be changed by now,” Helen scolded as she handed Idina some bags.

“I just got up,” Idina informed her. And she was not going to bossed around by anyone but the three helpless infants in her house unless she wanted to be.

Helen took the bags back from here. “Couch now, until we know you’re not reacting to the medication.”

“Mom…”

“Now Idina.”

“Now Idina,” Walker mocked.

Erika snickered but tried very hard to hide it.

Idina sighed. As much as she did not want to be bossed around in front of her children, she also wanted to set the example that you are supposed to listen to your mother. Shen went to the couch but picked up her youngest son in an act of defiance. If she going to be stuck there, she may as well have a baby, especially when she had three of them. It seemed silly to be without at least one of them considering how just purely amazing they were and how much she loved every tired, screaming, and messy minute of her time with them.

Laying on her back, she placed Zephyr on her stomach. He was not enterally good at sitting up on his own, so she held him. Not she would have let him go if he were, because then he would probably be strong enough to try and move and fall off. But soon she could tell her baby was tired, so she laid him down on her chest and he was soon fast asleep.

She stroked his cheeks with the back of her index finger as Walker came to sit down on her legs. Sometimes she wondered if she would just explode with love that that would be the blissful end to her existence.

The doorbell rang, waking the boys. Crying the infant in hand, Idina went to answer it as she was the closets with her mother in the kitchen stocking the fridge with Erika.

“Hello?” she asked, slightly groggy and fussy infant in arm. She looked up and saw to CPS officers standing in the doorway.

“Mrs. Menzel?”

“Yes,” She said, straightening her posture and waking up in an instant.

“I’m Jackie, and this is Tomas, we are here to do the court manded assessment of your house,” the redhaired female officer said with a friendly smile.

“Oh, well, come in,” she said, her mind reeling. Were there dirty shirts laying around? Would they go into her room and find the bra that had been tossed to the side of the bed last night? The kitchen was not spotless. She wished she had a warning, but at the same, she knew why there had not been one.

They looked around the open concept main floor, taking in their living, dining, and kitchen in one swoop. Idina was suddenly noticing every little imperfection down to the few areas they had not bothered to toddler-proof yet since it was not like their barely-month old babies could move around all that much. Would it count against them?

Erika had Soren in her arms and was standing by his cot, trying to shush him while Walker was helping, and Helen was still putting groceries away like nothing was going on. She loved her mom. Ever the proper person, only ever doing things on her own clock.

Jackie had them all sit down and started asking them questions while Tomas walked around their house.

“So you have twins?” Jackie asked.

“Triplets,” Idina clarified, motioning towards the three baby cots on the other side of the room.

“I thought no one else was in the house.”

“My husband’s taken my daughter to the pediatrician,” Idina informed them. “She was in the NICU for twenty-seven hours when she was born, we have quite a few appointments for her.”

Jackie nodded sympathetically and asked if she was breastfeeding or using formula.

“Formula,” Idina replied as she heard the freezer close loudly. She turned to see that Tomas had her medication. “Please put that back in the freezer,” she asked him. “It will spoil if it gets warm.”

“What is it?” he asked.

“Prescription medication,” Idina replied.

Tomas put it on the kitchen table and took some of it out and examined it. “Do you have the prescription on you?” he asked.

It was on her phone, which was dead. She told them as such and tried not to get defensive as he opened one of the dosages and did a drug test on in. Then she hoped that they were this because they found drugs in Rivera’s house.

“There’s some strong stuff in here,” he replied.

“It’s a trial drug,” Idina replied. “That’s why I can’t breastfeed. It’s quite strong.”

“Well, it definitely not cocaine,” he said, “nor marijuana, but we’ll still need a prescription.”

Idina wanted to call Carlyle. She was not sure what she legally had told them.

“Walker,” Jackie said, “What’s that bag?’

He looked up from the game he had been playing on his phone. “It needs to go back in the freezer!” he exclaimed. “It’s mommy’s medicine, it is helping her get better. It’ll get spoiled if it gets warm.”

“What type of medicine?” Jackie asked.

“It’s got an applicator that’s kind of like an EpiPen,” Walker said. “and it’s supposed to help her brain and the stuff in the fridge stops the pills form making mom sick because the pills are the real medicine and they’re two types,” he rambled off.

“What pills?”

“Um, there’s a white one that looks like post-baby vitamins but isn’t and little pink ones.”

“Why does your mom take them?”

“’ Cause, um,” he went quiet, “’cause, um, I was sick and I wanted a blanket from my dad’s house and she went to get it but dad was drunk and he smashed her head against a wall and now her brain is hurt.”

“Like a concussion?’

“Worse,” Idina admitted. “There’s some nerve damage, but it’s repairable. I have had multiple cognitive assessments done and my ability to be a parent, legal guardian and function as an individual is not compromised. I have the paperwork for that,” she added.

“So put it back in the freezer,” Walker said with crossed arms. “’Cause if it gets ruined mom won’t get better.”

“And Aaron did this?”

“No!” everyone exclaimed at once, unsettling the babies and making them start to fuss again.

“My ex,” Idina said, “he did.”

“We you with him at the time?”

“No, we’ve been divorced since 2014,” she replied. “We are—we were, co-parenting Walker,” she explained. “He used to live just about ten minutes away.”

“When did this happen?’

“Near the end of November,” she admitted.

“And the courts aren’t privy to this?’

“It’s a private matter,” Idina replied. “And with the social media leak from last night, I feel justified in not bringing it up as it has no bearing on this case.”

“He’s not putting the medicine back in the freezer,” Walker said to no one particular. He was so protective of his mother. “It already almost got ruined when the power went out. Erika and I had to eat so much ice cream to make room for it so put it back in the freezer before it spoils,” Walker said.

“You ate ice cream for breakfast?”

“No,” Erika said. “Aaron made us a proper breakfast, then he left and the power went out and the fridge was starting to heat up so we moved the medication to the freezer and we took out the ice cream because it was around the same shape as the bag and it wasn’t going to spoil like a meat product. And Walker wanted some anyway.”

“And where were you in all of this?” Jackie asked Idina as Tomas started to pack up the medicine and moved it back into the freezer while Walker glared at him from across the dining room.

“I was asleep,” Idina admitted, “the power cut my alarm.”

“Are you not concerned that your children have such easy access to dangerous medication?”

“Walker, Erika, do either of you have any intention of injecting yourself with my medication?”

“No,” they both said.

“And where do I keep my pills?”

“In the bathroom in your room locked under the sink because sometimes we use it when we don’t want to wake the triplets,” Erika said.

Idina turned back to Jackie. “They are both old enough to know not to use my pen.”

“That may be,” Jackie said, “but what about your triplets?’

“They’re not even a month old,” Idina informed her. “They can barely sit up on their own, let alone get over the step to the kitchen, open up the fridge, go to the top shelf, and everything else that would be required for them to get access to it.”

“They’re barely a month old!” Jackie exclaimed. “When were they born?”

“Mommy’s birthday,” Walker said.

“May 30th,” she clarified.

“You mean to tell me barely two weeks after giving birth to triplets where one had a NICU stay, you were out of bed, in court?”

“Yeah,” Idina replied, “it’s not like I had much choice.”

“You could have postponed it a few months, at least,” Jackie said in shock.

“No, that’s not fair to Erika,” Idina replied.

“And you’ve never once requested an extension either?”

“No, again, it’s not fair to Erika,” Idina said, suddenly realizing the Rivera’s had been the ones requesting an extension not set in motion by the judge.

“And you dealing with a brain injury that requires you to be on harsh trial medication?”

“Yes?”

“And no one noticed something was off?”

“I don’t think so,” Idina said.

“With three infants under a month?”

“Yep,” she said, started to get a bit exasperated with the questioning.

“And the Rivera’s claimed they were overwhelmed with a four-year-old and a month old,” Jackie pointed out.

Idina blinked. It had never really dawned on her. She had been reluctant to push the whole “look at me being supermom” angle, worried that the judge might think she had too many responsibilities and decide to relieve her of the burden of caring for Erika.

“There’s nothing wrong with the bedroom,” Tomas said, coming down from the stairs. He then disappeared into the basement, camera in hand.

“Our goal here is to check your house and determine if Erika is living in proper conditions,” Jackie said, “As well as look for any unusual tension or mistreatment that might be occurring. It seems, however, that you love all the children under your care very much,” she replied. “it’s a shame your husband could not be here, but things do happen when we drop by without warning. It’s clear that your house is not dangerous,” Jackie continued.

Idina felt herself sighing in relief. If CPS was on her side, that had to something. If they were on her side. She was not going to take anything at face value. “I just want what’s best for Erika,” Idina said. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted for any of my children from day one.”

Jackie smiled. “I have a two-year-old,” she said. “I can’t imagine having three at once and fighting a custody battle with that insane sleep schedule.”

“My husband’s amazing. He has been forcing me to sleep all night long and doing the majority of the overnight with some help from my mom. And Erika and Walker have been kind enough to help out when they want too,” she added.

“It’s because they like me best,” Walker said. “Everyone likes me best, I’m the coolest. And they’re smart because they know I’m the coolest.”

Everyone chuckled at him.

“But Soren likes mommy a little bit more, and that’s okay because Zephyr’s the second coolest,” Walker continued. “And Lucinda play favourites but mostly she just wants mommy all to herself which isn’t fair. Mommy was my mommy first plus she probably has cooties.”

“She does not have cooties Walker,” Idina told him.

“Yes she does,” Walker argued.

“What about Erika?”

“Erika plays Pokémon and Pokémon is cootie repellent,” Walker informed her. “Taylor told me that at basketball practice.” Then he turned to the officer. “Erika’s cool too,” he added.

“Thanks, Walk,” Erika said in amusement. “Do you want to take Zephyr then?’

“Yep!” he exclaimed, thanking the baby from her. “And you like me best too, right?”

“Of course,” she told him as he grinned from ear to ear.

“See,” Idina said, “it’s not a problem. I can do all of it with my amazing support system.”

Jackie nodded as Tomas came out of the basement. There was more discussion and Idina gave them a more formal tour of the house. After a few hours, everything was deemed proper.

Idina escorted them both to the door not before offering them something to eat and drink. They declined and were off. Idina looked at the time. Aaron should have been back by now, but her adrenaline was high from the last time, so she was a bit too on edge to panic.

She looked at Walker’s phone, but it had died as well. She had been an idiot to get rid of the landline. Eventually, it seemed that Erika’s laptop was fully charged so she drove down to an open cafe to use their Wi-Fi to send Aaron an email and check the news. The whole region was out. Some major dam had broken and overcharged the power plants. Sitting there while her phone was charged, she checked the traffic. It was bumper to bumper not moving. Maybe Aaron was stuck in it. She hoped he had something for Lucinda. Food, if not, then at least some water. It was sweltering outside, and Erika and Walker had closed all the curtains to try and stop their home from heating up like a sauna, though there had only been so much it would stop.

 _Aaron, get home soon_ , she begged as she drove home.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idina’s mad texting, so a lot of swearing and F-bombs.

Aaron did not return all day. Idina sent him countless texts.

_Where are you?_

_How’s Lucinda?_

_What did the doctors say?_

_Please text me back._

_For the love of God, Aaron let your still hormonal wife know whether or not her husband is effing alive._

_Fuck you you’re dead to me._

_Wait, no I didn’t mean that please come home._

_Please just let me know you’re alive._

_Erika and Walker are worried._

_Mom’s worried._

_Aaron, I need you._

_Please?_

_If someone has this phone and it’s lost the pin is 9476, please text me back I’ll pay you whatever you want I’m Idina Menzel I’m loaded._

_Aaron god I hope your phone’s dead, but all the messages are showing up as delivered._

_I love you._

No reply. Idina was sending a text every hour or so, often less. No replies.

She was down all day. Nothing made her happy and she was almost worried sick. She would have been, save for the two newborns who still needed her. Glad to have a distraction, Idina let no one else care for them. They were her babies and if someone did not like that they could leave. The boys seemed to notice their mother’s mood and the absence of their father and sister. They kept on looking over to Lucinda’s favourite play spot and her cot as if she might just appear there.

“Cindy’s with daddy right now,” she told them as she laid on her stomach, trying to entertain them during their belly time. They were getting close to crawling, especially when they were extremely entertained or extremely bored. And since bored babies were crying babies Idina had a bunch of toys she used to try and get them to move. Mostly cat toys, granted, but the boys loved them. She and Aaron had baby-proofed them. She waived the feather above Zephyr’s head, tickling him with it a bit and he reached out for it, bracing himself up on one hand.

“Mom!” Idina shouted in excitement as her youngest son moved a few inches. “Mom Zephyr’s crawling!” she exclaimed before turned back to her baby boy. Putting the toy in front of him, she got him to move another few inches. Suddenly, it seemed to click in Zephyr’s mind exactly what was happening, and he started with more determination to get the toy, but he was still too small and weak to make it very far. Idina took out her phone and filmed it, then sent it to Aaron.

 _You’re missing their lives_ , she texted, still beyond pissed at him for ghosting her.

_If you don’t let me know you’re alive before midnight I swear to god, I’ll kill you myself._

_Shit, Aaron what’s wrong with you can’t you see I’m freaking out here? I need a reality check. Am I justified or this the meds? Where the hell are you?_

Still no reply.

_I love you._

Nothing. Her mother came down and Zephyr refused them another demonstration of his new skill, so Idina showed her the video. Then she started crying.

“Aw, Dee, honey, I know you miss Aaron. I’m sure he’s fine,” Helen said as tears started to fall her daughter’s face.

“I’m so worried mom,” she said, hugging her.

“I know baby, I know,” her mother reassured, “but he’s fine. And so’s Cindy. I bet his phone’s dead or maybe he lost it and he’s going to turn up out the blue with some treats for the kids like nothing ever happened.”

“Mommy?” she heard her little boy ask. She had not noticed him approach.

Idina sniffled and whipped her eyes. “Yes Walk?”

“When’s Aaron coming home?”

“I don’t know baby,” she said.

“When will the power come back on?”

“In a few days,” she said.

“Do you know where Aaron and just not telling me?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know where he is Walk. I wish I did, but I don’t. I don’t care where he is or what’s he’s doing I’d rather know.” She did not care at this point. He could tell her he was cheating with some young hot blonde and she’s pregnant and Idina would just be glad he was alive. He could be cheating _with_ Taye and as long as Lucinda was okay, she would be too relieved to be mad at him at the moment.

“Dina, love, why don’t you go lay down?” Helen said.

“No,” she argued. “I need to stay up in case he comes back. And the boys are still awake.”

“Dee, love, it’s late. Go to bed, I’ll take this shift. I’ll wake you if Aaron gets back or once the boys have woken up form their midnight nap.”

She wanted to argue but she had no energy left. And Walker asked her for bedtime stories, so she had to go. She picked Walker up— God he was so big, his dangling legs brushing on her lower legs, and he was so heavy. But she made it up the stairs anyway. She tucked him in in her bed and made up a story to tell him as he fell asleep. Then she checked on Erika, who was reading with a flashlight she’d found in the garage.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Idina told her.

She nodded nonchalantly and wished her goodnight.

Pulling out her phone, there was still no new text. She sat in her bed, Walker pressed against her and texted Aaron again. She needed something from him.

_If you text me proof that you’re alive right now, I’ll fuck your brains out when you get home, doctors are damned._

_Shit Aaron answer me! I’ll fuck myself doctors be dammed and if I get hurt it’s gonna be your fault._

No reply. Not even to tell her to follow the doctor’s orders.

_If you’re dead, then I know you’re not going to read this but I fucking hate you for leaving me alone. I’m going to raise our kids alone and they’re going to be the happiest children in the world, and you are the idiot who missed out on everything in their lives. You’re never going to dance with your daughters on their prom night or give them away at their wedding and I’ll do that all for you because I love you but I hate you to the very core of my being right now because I need you and your gone._

_I love you_

_Come home safely with our little girl_

_I can’t do this on my own you’re my rock_

_If someone has this phone and it’s lost the pin is 9476, please text me back I’ll pay you whatever you want I’m Idina Menzel I’m loaded. I might even fuck your brains out too depending._

_Please, someone?_

_Hello?_

_I love you, god I’m praying you’re safe._

_Goodnight wherever you are_

She yawned and sighed.

“Mmn,” Walker mumbled. “Sleep mommy,” he said as he cozied up to her.

She smiled and turned the light off, slipping under the covers and pulling Walker close to her.

“You’re comfy now,” he informed her as he rested his head on her. “You were bony before.”

“Thanks,” she muttered, rolling her eyes.

* * *

It had been over twenty-four hours and Idina was in constant minor panic mode. She would have bouts of hot flashes and heart-racing, head pounding dizzy spells when she thought about her husband and her daughter, but for the most part, she put it on the backburner and mothered her children. They had ice for the freezer, there was a fireplace in the basement they could try and cook on if need be. They did not have a generator. The water was running, cell service was up. She had mental lists of everything.

She stopped texting Aaron religiously, knowing she had to save the battery power on the phones. Besides, it wasn’t like he was responding. The unnational size of her brain was telling her to text the safe word, just to see, but she knew not to that. What if he did get a connection, see the message, and completely freak out and get hurt because of it?

All she knew was that if something happened, she might actually need it.

Her mother was right, she needed to sleep and distress because she was starting to feel off. There was a constant fog hovering over her, part looming dread part exhaustion.

The boys were asleep, but Idina couldn’t sleep. Trapped alone in her room, her mind was wandering. They could be anywhere. What if Aaron was hurt? What if he was trying to get back to them and Lucinda wasn’t doing well. What was Lucinda eating? He’d brought a bottle with him of course, but not enough for days.

Needing to clear her head, she took out her journal and started writing. Everything she could think of. How mad she was, how annoyed she was, how confused and hurt and downright terrified she was. She could feel herself calming down as she filled the pages, first two, then four, then more and more until she was blinking trying to stay awake and finish her thoughts. But she unwillingly drifted off to sleep.

It was an unsurprisingly fit full sleep. At some point, she thought Aaron had come back, for she felt someone holding her, but she was soon back in her fear scape.

* * *

In the morning, Idina rolled over and shrieked as she felt herself falling. Less than a second later she landed on the mattress.

“Chickadee?” A light clicked on.

She woke up instantly. “Aaron!”

“Dee,” he said. He was laying down on the bed, looking sunburnt and very, very tired.

She tackled him. “Oh my god, where were you? You didn’t wake me up! Why weren’t you answering my texts? I was so scared; I thought the two of you were dead,” she muttered against his neck and she squeezed him so tightly, making sure he was real.

“I did,” he mumbled. “Wake you up, you told me to shut up and lay down.”

“Well, I don’t remember that,” she informed him. “You did a very bad job of waking me up.” She sat upon his chest, pinning him down. “Where the hell were you? What happened?”

“The power’s out everywhere, even the streetlights were down,” he started explaining. “I had to ditch the car on the freeway since it was not moving for over five hours. I think a car caught on fire at some point and people just started running away. I just grabbed Cindy and ran. I had my wallet since it was still in her car seat baggie, but I left my phone in the car and didn’t realize it until it was too late. I got her some food at the department store, and I picked up a camping stove too which was stupid because then I had to lug that and a baby back here but we can make hot food now. So yeah I basically walked from the bridge on the freeway here and got lost a few times.”

Idina listened, too shocked to say anything. That’s she noticed he had a cut on his head. She licked her thumb and cleaned it up. His face changed when she touched him. He looked so out of it and then it seemed like something clicked. He took her hand, carefully, as if it might break and brought it to his lips. He moved her off his chest into his lap as he sat up and hugged her. Closing her eyes, Idina hugged him back, just waiting for all the crazy emotion to dissipate. The room grew calmer as she reminded herself at Aaron seemed okay, and he said nothing about Lucinda not being okay so she was just going to assume their baby was fine because Aaron was so caring and would have done everything to make sure Lucinda was alright.

“Are you okay?” she asked after a minute.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I’m tired and I’m pretty sure I have a nasty sunburn, but I’m alright. So’s Cindy. She might be a bit dehydrated, but she seems fine. She’s sleeping now with the boys”

Idina took a calming breath as Aaron yawned, clinging to him. He was still holding her tightly, so tightly she could not only feel him breathing and shaking but feel his heartbeat.

“If you get your phone back there’s going to be a tirade of my manic texts,” she said after a while, just to say something.

He chuckled. “Like what?”

“Manic worry, how much I hate you, how much I love you, a video of Zephyr trying to crawl—”

“He’s _crawling_?”

“Kinda, it happened last night before I went to bed.”

He swore. “I can’t believe I missed that.”

“It’s okay. I was very vindictive in my text, but there’s so much more. You’ll be there for Soren and Cindy, not to mention that you’ll be there when Zeph takes his firsts steps. And first words.” She kissed his lips. “I love you—”

Cutting her off by pressing his lips against hers, he slowly pushed her down, parting her lips and kissing her desperately. “I missed you so much,” he spoke to her lips, “You and our kids, I’m just so glad to be back.” He kissed her again and Idina felt herself sighing and her limbs going slack and loose. “I love you,” he said again, his grip on her tight.

“I love you too,” she said, “but now I really want to see our daughter, so if you wouldn’t mind getting off that would be nice.”

“Oh right,” he said, getting off her, “I swear she’s fine. I made sure of it. Not sunburnt, not hungry, only a bit confused if she even remembers it.”

Idina got out of the bed and pulled Aaron out with her. She was not letting him out of her sight now that she had him back. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and they waddled quietly to the nursery where their triplets were asleep. It took all the self-control not to pick Lucinda up and cuddle her profusely. She looked alright, snoozing in her diaper like her brothers. It was three in the morning.

Aaron kissed her shoulder. “See, she’s fine,” Aaron said. “I made sure she was fine. And the doctor’s visit showed nothing, so after next weeks we won’t have to bring her back thill they all get their two moth old shots.”

“Good,” Idina said.

They left the room quietly, making their way back to their room.

“Mom?” Walker called out from his room.

“Guess who’s back,” she said, presenting Aaron like he was her Tony.

Walker smiles and bear-hugged him, jumping up. Idina noticed how he took a few too many steps backward and almost fell under her son’s weight. The boy did not notice.

“I’m glad you’re back,” he said. “The power’s been out for two days but we put mommy’s medicine in the freezer and grandma put ice in there so it’s okay. And officers came by from the court but they like mommy a lot.”

“Wait, who came by,” Aaron said, carefully dropping Walker on his feet.

“Some CPS officers for the court-mandated house evaluation. It went quite well,” she told him. “It’s all good,” she reiterated, not wanting him to panic. “Walk, you need to go to bed,” she reminded her son.

“But Mom,” he whined.

“But Walker,” she imitated. “It’s late, go to bed please.”

“Alright, fine,” he said through a yawn. He gave them both a goodnight hug and they gave him goodnight kisses.

They made a detour past Erika’s room. She was dead asleep, Louie in her arms. They closed the door, satisfied that all their children, furball included, were good. Now Idina had to take care of her other baby.

When they got back to their room, she got some aloe and zinc cream out of the bathroom, made him remove his shirt, and spread the creams across his burns. She also stuck a band-aid on the scrape on his forehead as well as the blisters on his feet and hands. She popped some of the bigger ones while he watched her lovingly the entire time.

“When did you get so good at all this?” he asked.

“Somewhere around Walker’s first vacation,” she admitted. “God, three-year-olds have no clue what they’re doing. No common sense whatsoever!”

He chuckled and pulled her close after she put the first aid kit away in the drawer. “It’s a good thing they’re indestructible.”

Idina nodded. “So good, doesn’t stop me from panicking though.” Smiling, she sat down on his lap and wrapped her arms around him.

“Are you eating enough?” he asked, his hands tangled in her hair. It was getting very long; it had been a while since she’d bothered to cut it but seeing how much Aaron liked it, and how much she liked him liking, she would probably just get the ends trimmed.

“I’ve been worry fasting a bit,” she admitted. “But I do have a bunch of extra calories I’m carrying around, and I’m not starving myself, so please don’t freak out at me.”

“I’m not, I was just checking. And you’re taking the medicine?”

“Yes, I sent pictures to you, but you didn’t have your phone.”

She reached over to the counter and took the phone, showing him the timestamped text from yesterday morning, then scrolled down to last night's video of Zephyr. A small crept upon his face as he watched on repeat his son haul himself upon his chubby little arms, pull himself a few centimetres, fall, and try again with a foot, making it significantly further before landing, giggling on the mat as Idina cooed and encouraged him in the background.

“I can’t believe I missed that,” he muttered, looking to his wife who was grinning.

“They grow up so fast,” she lamented, taking her phone back from. “Now I think we both need to sleep.”

“I want to stay up for a bit,” he said, a hand taking hers. “I missed you so much, I’m just glad to be home.”

“You’re exhausted,” she argued. “You just walked here from God knows where and saved our daughter from a car explosion fiasco. If I’d done this, you’d threaten to chain me to the bed unless I slept.”

“I did not give birth four weeks ago,” he pointed out.

“Overprotective notion still stands,” she informed him. “If you want some water or food, I’ll get you some, but if you’re not trying to sleep by the end of the next half hour, you’re in big trouble.”

“Alrighty then,” he replied playfully. “Did you hear about the man who got his left half cut off?”

“What!” she exclaimed a bit too loudly.

“Shhh, Dee, it’s fine, he’s alright now.”

She looked confused.

“Like all _right_ , ‘cause he’s not got a left half, it’s a-okay, Dee, stop hitting me with the pillow I get it, I’m going to go sleep, just stop— no, stop it Idina this isn’t fun—” he said she assaulted him with a decorative pillow for making her worried. She’d cut him off with a kiss, a good kiss. A holy shit this can’t be real, moment stopping, firework inducing, god I’m so glad you’re alive and I will personally escort your ghost to hell if you ever worry me like that again type kiss.

His limbs gave out; he fell on top of her, completely entranced. Slowly, he regained control of his hands, touching her, making her sigh, loose focus, giving him room to take control and make her lose all sense of reality.

“Wait, stop stop stop,” Idina breathed.

He jerked back in shock. “Dee, are you okay? Did I do something—”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” she said.

“Then why—”

“Let me finish,” she huffed, still beneath him. “I think you just excited me a little too much, uterus hurts.”

“Oh.”

“Can we move back to New York?”

“Um, wait, move?”

“Sorry, but I’ve just realized I really don’t want to raise kids here. Like it’s nice and all and I have amazing job opportunities, but California is always on fire, and now we’ve got this power issue. What’s it going to be like ten years from now?”

“Okay, let’s sleep, you’re sleep talking too complicated idea for bed talk.”

They laid down, Aaron insisting his wife use him as a mattress because he just wanted to know she was there.

“I do want to move though,” she said as they nodded off. “We can talk about it later; I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“We can’t move,” he said.

“Why?”

“Erika, we can’t change states until this whole debacle is over with. I don’t even think we can change counties without it looking fishy at least, definitely can’t move her across state lines.”

Idina swore. “Okay then,” the mumbled after a moment. “just go to sleep already and no more insensitive jokes or I’ll make you sleep outside since I can’t threaten the couch or the doghouse.”

“But it’s my dad joke.”

“Stick to ‘Hi hungry, I’m dad’ or your wife will ground you.”

“’ Kay, heard and noted.” He said through another yawn, just solidifying Idina’s point that they were both exhausted and in need of sleep cuddle time.

* * *

The next morning, the power was still not on. What the hell were they supposed to do? Rioting in the streets had started.


	72. Chapter 72

It had only been three days and there was rioting in the streets. There had been power outraged for longer, but this was LA full of social media instant gratification teenagers with too much energy Aaron made triple sure their gates were locked and van in the garage. He was currently on the couch, listening to the radio and had an arm around Erika. She had her back up against him and his arm was around her while she ate a yogurt cup. It was adorable and Idina stole his camera to take a picture without either of them noticing. She was going to frame it and gift it to him when this was all over. Louie was all over Aaron too, glad to have him back. He was curled up in his lap, tail wagging and thumping against her husband’s chest like a hyperactive child with a baseball bat.

Idina was spending all her time with Lucinda. The baby did seem fine and her brothers were glad that she was back, but it did not stop Idina from carrying her around everywhere. She had the kid attached to her hip and Lucinda seemed happy chewing on her toy while her mother begrudgingly did chores. After a while, she felt an odd tugging at her shirt and found that her daughter must have dropped the toy and started gumming her shirt. There was a large wet stain on it now and Lucinda seemed to have shoved a large chunk of it inside her mouth.

Idina pulled it out, worried she might suffocate, and the infant started bawling loud. Louie, Soren, and Zephyr soon followed suit, howling now that they’ve been disturbed by her noise.

Aaron rushed in. “What happened?” he asked, looking at a still slightly panicked Idina with a flushed face.

Idina showed her the stain. “She was chewing on my shirt and I don’t want her suffocating,” she explained.

Aaron pouted and got down to the baby’s level. “You can’t do that, okay Cindy? You might choke and freak mommy out,” he cooed to the bawling infant, making faces. It took him a few tries, but he soon caught her attention and got her to stop screaming like a banshee. “want me to take her?” he asked Idina.

She shook her head. “I’m good, Aaron, but thanks. I missed her so much,” she said, looking down lovingly at her child and tickling her. She giggled with her adorable, cute giggle. Idina hoisted her up and twirled around, filling the room with satisfied baby noises. “Oh, baby,” she said as she rested Lucinda against her shoulder. Of course, Lucinda’s first reaction was to start pulling and eating Idina’s hair. She’d stopped leaving conditioner and other products to make sure the babies wouldn’t ingest toxic chemicals and even though it was no longer glossy and soft, it did not stop any of them from pulling on it.

They both left the room to get the other two, who had quieted down now that their sister had. Aaron picked up Zephyr as Walker already had Soren, who was in a green airplane onesie. It was one of the most adorable things Idina had ever seen, besides Walker’s second birthday fiasco and the watermelon dress they had for Lucinda with matching black shoes.

They stood next to each other, shoulders brushing as they bunched their kids. Aaron tossed Zephyr in the air slightly earning him a shriek of excitement and a lot of giggles as he blew a raspberry on his stomach.

“Don’t,” Idina said, “my nerves can’t handle that.”

“But he likes it,” Aaron whined, doing puppy eyes.

“No,” Idina said firmly. “Or I’ll start enforcing the two-hand rule.”

“Dee, I’ve seen you hold them one to each hip.”

“They’re secure,” she informed him. “Unlike you pressing them up against your chest and hoping they stick. My body is biologically developed to carry them on my hip.”

“I can’t argue with biology,” he teased.

“No, you can’t, so no babies in the air until they’re older and I’m more relaxed. Or at the very least save it till I’m not around, pray they don’t get hurt, and never tell me about it.”

“Noted,” he said, bouncing Zephyr.

She called Walker over and they put the babies down in the playpen. Zephyr was trying to move around a lot more, now that it clicked that he could move around without mommy and daddy if he really tried. Lucinda and Soren were watching him intensely, trying to figure out what he was doing and how he was doing it even if what he was doing was more resembling a pathetic army crawl and brought him almost nowhere. He was one determined little guy.

After a while, they moved them to their jumpers so that they could bounce around and play with some toys in a contained area while Aaron and Idina tackled the task of cleaning their play areas.

By mid-afternoon, they had all the chores done. The house smelt a bit like cleaning chemicals and was spotless. It felt good to finally got everything done. They even cleaned out the garage a bit and found some more helpful items. After putting the triplets down for their nap with Helen’s help, the two of them collapsed down on the living room couch, Idina on Aaron’s lap.

Aaron turned on the radio they had. The rioting was not stopping, and officials were urging people to stay calm. It’s only been three days. New York has been blackout for longer. Half of Quebec got knocked out for half a month in an ice storm two decades ago. But California was California, she supposed. It had a lot of things she liked, a lot of things that made her want to raise children here, but she still wanted to move somewhere else.

Walker came and cuddled them, making Idina smile as he eventually fell asleep with his head in her lap and Aaron’s arms securely around her waist. Erika was sitting in a chair across from them, writing something down on a note pad with Louie in her lap and one hand tangled in his fur. He would look up lazily from time to time, then go back to sleep. Helen had crashed and was asleep on the mattress in the basement citing it was too hot to sleep anywhere else. Everyone was tired from a day of work and chores brought on from the mess their busy schedules had created and had nothing else to do other than worry.

It was perfect. Idina’s life was perfect. Almost, but at this moment it was. If she could bottle the moment and keep it forever, she would.

She leaned back, resting head on her husband, her face turned towards his neck. She planted a gentle kiss on his bare skin and felt him squeeze her in response. He was home. She was at home. This then was the family life she had always wanted, of course, paired with being a Rockstar. And once the courts were done, she could work on her Rockstar dreams again. Maybe she could go back to Broadway and be in that new popular musical _Six_. She did like originating roles, but that just seemed too compelling to miss if whoever was running the show did not think she was too old. She had stuff she needed to promote in a few months anyway and her manager probably would have called her yesterday if it there hadn’t been a blackout. It was getting close to the time she had been thinking she’d start going back to work, but now, with three children and just being separated from her husband and youngest for over two days, she was not sure if she wanted too or not.

It did not matter, she could figure it out later. She needed to focus on the right now, on the pressure in her lap, on the grip around her waist, on the amazing girl wiring something in the armchair she seemed to adore with the best dog in the world snoozing on her lap. With the triplets placated and sleeping like the little angels they truly were in their cots on the main floor just a few feet away from her.

Her phone rang, making everyone flinch and look up in surprise and surprisingly not rousing a single baby.

“It’s Carlyle,” Aaron said, picking it up off the coffee table and handing it to her.

“Carlyle,” Idina said, “Hi.”

“Hi Idina,” he said, sounding chipper. “I’ve got some news.”

Erika was looking at her expectantly.

“Everyone’s in the room, is this something I should put on the speaker.” _Don’t you dare make me move my son and break physical contact with my husband you have no idea the hell I’ve been through these past few days?_

“I don’t see why not,” he said. “I’ve got it, the magnum opus of this case. The one—”

“You’re on speaker, stop being dramatic, what’s going on.”

“Elvira and Elija are dead.”

“What? Why would you tell me to put this on speaker?” She looked over to Erika apologetically. The girl looked a bit shocked. Walker sat up straight and rubbed his eyes.

“Seventeen years ago.”

“Wait, then who—”

“I have no idea,” he said. “None. Elija and Elvira Rivera died in a car crash a few nights before the girls were found. It took over four years for the bodies to get identified they were misidentified and buried in falsely marked graves at first. About five years ago they were reidentified because some fishermen recovered the licence plate to their car. But no one bothered to change their status from missing to deceased or something like that since there seemed to be no next-of-kin.”

Idina looked over to Erika. Shocked wasn’t the right word. Surprised and confused, and unsure with a bit of Erika mixed in. Louie seemed to queue in that something was up for he was standing and nudging her face with his cute little nose, trying to get her attention. He finally got it by licking her face.

“Then who’s been doing the court case?” Erika asked before Idina could.

“I honestly have no idea,” he said. “I’ve been trying to figure it out but it’s hard with everything down. I just thought you guys would want to know. I would like to request that you get a proper DNA test done before going back to court and we can get this dismissed as soon as possible and let someone else deal with the identity theft charges.”

“Can we sue them for emotional damage?” Idina asked. She wanted to sue these posers for everything they had, all the stress and the heartache they had caused. All the time she spent away from her children.

“You could, and you have a very strong case for it, but it’ll likely go away with all the felony charges they’ve racked up. I’ll have to see, but I’ll start getting the paperwork in order. I wouldn’t be surprised if they go to jail.”

“What about their little boy?” Erika asked.

“I don’t know what will happen to him,” he admitted. “There might be family that can take him in.”

“And if there isn’t, he’ll end up in the system,” she said.

Idina walked over and hugged her. She just found all this was a lie and where Idina was focused and retribution, the girl cared about a boy being sentenced to a life like hers.

Aaron hung up the phone after saying goodbye and that he’d call them back. They all hugged Erika, who was silently crying. The parents whom she thought had abandoned her had died tragically in a car crash. Carlyle had not given all the details, but Idina was sure he knew. It was over in some weird, sadistic way. How come they had never demanded a blood test? It was because they had all of Erika’s original birth certificates. They knew her social security number. How had they gotten ahold of all of that? Idina was going to set up appointments to get Erika a new SSN as soon as possible.

“Do you want some tea?” Aaron asked. “We can make it on the stove outside, or something else if you want.”

“Some tea would be nice,” she whispered.

Idina sunk to her knees and held her daughter as Aaron went out back to make the tea. Walker curled up in his sister’s lap. Idina wasn’t sure how much he understood.

“How do you feel?” Idina asked.

“I just, I wish I’d known,” she said, looking forlorn. “I spent so much time hating them when it might not even have been justified.”

“At least you know now,” Idina said.

Erika nodded and hugged her.

A few minutes later Aaron came back with Orange and Cinnamon tea, which was Erika’s favourite, and made all of them sit down on the couch together before someone developed an injury from squatting by the chair. They just sat silently for a while, all holding each other. Erika took a few sips of the tea before placing down on a coaster and cuddling up to Aaron. They sat there for hours until they heard one of the triplets starting to fuss. Idina went over to find it was Soren, picked him up, and brought him over to the family group hug. In her arms, but resting against Erika’s side, he soon stopped fussing and went back to sleep, a small smile on his delicate lips.

Idina held Erika’s hand, her thumb subconsciously rubbing affectionate circles on her inner palm. No said anything. No one knew what to say. But their family unit was safe.


	73. Chapter 73

It was quiet in the house save for the babies when they were crying. Supper was ready and Idina went upstairs to get the kids. Walker was trying to teach Louie a new trick from a book he’d gotten a few weeks ago although the dog seemed too excited to pay attention and just kept licking his face and stealing the treats.

“Don’t forget to feed Louie,” she told Walker and he leapt down the stair, the dog chasing after him.

She went down the hallway to Erika’s room. The door was slightly ajar, and she could see Erika sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring at something with her chin in her palms. Idina knocked, opening the door a bit more to see that she was staring at a box.

“Frogs going to jump out of that?” she asked.

“Oh!” Erika exclaimed in shock, jumping up.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine.”

“Supper’s ready,” Idina said, leaning on the door frame.

“Okay, thanks,” she said with a smile.

Idina stepped into the room and closed the door. “So what’s so interesting about this box?” she said as she came and sat beside her daughter on the bed. Looking at it, it was familiar. She noted the postal markings. It was from New York. It was the package from New York. Erika’s old stuff. It was still sealed shut.

She had no idea what to say, so she just sat there while Erika looked at it.

“I’m wondering if maybe there are papers in there or something. I have no idea what they managed to scrounge up.”

Idina rubbed her back. “Don’t feel like you have to solve this. And even if there is, it’s not your fault for not opening the box sooner. You have to do it in your own time.”

“I just want to forget that all of it ever happened but I’m starting to think that’s impossible.”

“It is,” Idina told her, receiving a confused scowl.

“Aren’t you supposed to be all rainbow and encouraging?”

“It’s just the truth,” she said bluntly. “All the bad stuff happened and no amount of good is ever going to make it go away. You can either act like it never happened, act like it’s the only thing that ever happened, or accepts it and move on. There’s nothing else.”

Erika laid back on her bed and huffed. “You’re sounding like Gerda when I don’t like what’s she’s saying.”

“Maybe you need to hear something you don’t want to hear,” Idina said, laying down beside her. Erika had her hand behind her head so Idina snuggled up close.

Erika giggled. “You’re tickling me with your breath,” she muttered in amusement.

“Am I now?” Idina challenged.

“ _Yes_ ,” Erika said.

“Oh, is there an insult that follows?” Idina asked, suddenly engaged, and jumping into an all four position so that she was looking down at Erika. She’d never wanted someone to insult her more in her life and she was grinning like a madwoman.

“Weirdo,” Erika breathed after a moment, a smirk on her face.

“Yes!” Idina exclaimed. She won. She got the first insult not bred out of the “I hate you because this isn’t going to work out and am trying to make you hate me” mentality. If the triplets weren’t asleep, she’d holler for Aaron to rub it in his face. “Say it again,” she teased.

“What is wrong with you?”

Idina threw herself down beside Erika dramatically. “Well, doctor, you see when I was fifteen my parents called me down on Thanksgiving mourning to tell me they were getting a divorce. Then they took us to a restaurant. They ruined thanksgiving for the rest of my life. My mom’s a therapist and my husband’s therapist and I have a therapist and my children have a therapist and sometimes I sound like a therapist. I have a lot of problems.”

“Oh boohoo,” she said. “Nothing ruins holidays like a school run by nuns. Christmas makes me want to puke.”

“So you’re converting?” she teased.

“Organized religion makes me want to puke,” she corrected herself. “Seriously though I don’t like Christmas.”

“I know, you said that,” Idina reminded her. She cuddled up to Erika again and put her arm across the girl’s stomach. “You’re not alone. We can hate the holidays together. You can rub thanksgiving in my face, and I’ll laugh as Walker makes you celebrate Christmas. Deal?”

“Fine,” she said, “deal.”

“So,” Idina said, kicking at the box with her feet, “do you want me to stick around when you open it? Or should we just toss it in the trash bin?”

“I don’t know.”

“Girls,” they heard Aaron calling. “Food’s on the table. It’s not getting any colder,” he reminded them. Hot meals weren’t much of a thing anymore.

“Give us a minute,” Idina called back. She heard Aaron’s footsteps go back to the kitchen. Then she turned back to Erika. “Honestly, I wanted you to open it but that was naïve. If you want to throw it out, you can.”

For a while, they just laid there in silence. After a bit, she could hear water running on the main floor. Aaron was probably doing the dishes. Her stomach was growling, but she didn’t say anything. She knew how important it could be just to be there sometimes. There were so many times her and Aaron had just held each other when they needed it.

Erika was playing with her dragonfly necklace. It had held up well, surprisingly. It was certainly the type of thing Idina would have broken in a week when she was a kid. 

Erika’s stomach grumbled loudly and they both chuckled.

“Hungry?” Idina asked.

“Yeah,” the girl replied.

“So,” she said, trying to figure out what to say, “do you want to go eat or stay here?”

“I don’t really feel hungry, but I do,” she said.

“Stay here?” Idina guessed. Erika nodded so Idina pulled her closer and Erika curled up close to her.

She held Erika for a while until Aaron came up to check on them. Then she noticed that the girl had fallen asleep and her cheek was damp.

“I’ll stay here,” Idina said, “until she wakes up.”

Aaron kissed them both on the forehead and told Idina he’d bring her up a smoothie. He came back a few minutes later with on and sat on the edge of the bed and held it up for her.

“I’m good,” she said after finishing half of it. “Could you go play with Walker? I don’t want him to feel left out and he needs a male figure in his life.”

“Of course,” he said with a smile, kissing her forehead again and leaving the smoothie on the coaster on Erika’s bedside table.

As he left, Louie came in through the open door and jumped up on the bed, curling up beside the two of them, his tail wagging. That thing needed to be registered as a legal weapon. Idina swore they all had tail-high bruises on their lower legs form it.

Looking at the dog, Idina brushed her daughter’s hair and really studied her face. They did not look similar whatsoever. She wondered what Erika thought of herself. What she liked and did not like. To Idina, she was beautiful, though she had to admit she was biased. She always tried her best to compliment Erika. And she always made it about something Erika could control. That colour looks good on you, I like what you did your hair. She thought it was working, but she had no idea.

She kissed Erika’s forehead and pulled her a bit closer. The girl wrapped and arm around her and Idina smiled, adjusting the pillow to make sure she was comfortable.

“I love you,” she whispered since it had been a while since she’d said it.

* * *

Erika slept for a few hours and Idina stayed there the whole time. Louie had long since left to find humans more entertaining than them.

“Hey there sleepyhead,” she said as the girl woke up.

Erika grunted, rubbed her eyes, and looked around while she yawned.

“You fell asleep,” Idina told her. She checked her phone. “It’s nine-thirty.”

“Oh, sorry, you didn’t have to stay,” She mumbled, yawning again. She sat up. “Is there supper leftover?”

“I’m sure there is,” she said. She reached over to the table and handed Erika the smoothie. “To tide you over. It’s all melted, but it’s very good. Mango, orange, and blueberry. And I had a bit, but feel free to have the rest.”

Erika took a sip. “It’s good,” she said. “Take all of it, I don’t mind,” she said as her stomach betrayed here.

“It’s yours and—” Erika started, handing it back to Idina, speaking quickly like she was trying to make up for a mistake before she got in trouble. Idina hated it the most when Erika automatically assumed whatever she was doing was wrong. It was years of brainwashing eleven months would not undo.

“No, take it, I’ll be fine. We can grab something from the kitchen.”

Erika nodded and cautiously took another sip. With Idina’s encouragement, she drank the entire thing. Then they went downstairs. The radio was on low and Aaron, Helen, and Walker were sprawled out on the couch with sleeping babies on them.

“Any news?” Idina asked as she pulled a watermelon salad out from the fridge and put half on a plate for herself, then just handed the bowl to Erika. Why make more dishes than need be?

“No,” Aaron replied, transfixed with sleeping baby, most likely Lucinda form the bright pink onesie the child was in.

She then got out the rest of the smoothie and poured them both glasses as it was still in the hand blender. They sat down on the island and ate quietly while they listened to the news. If the rioting did not stop, martial law would be declared tomorrow night. The officials were already enacting a plan to get power running for a few hours a day for in-need neighbourhoods. Of course, who needed it most was up for debate. Was it the people who did not have much electricity, to begin with, or those who had generators because they relied on it for life-saving treatment, or even those who just had expenses tied up in their house and needed it turned on asap.

Idina figured they could use a generator for a few hours a day, but they weren’t going to die without it. It would be nice not to worry about the medication and the food in the fridge and freezer spoiling in the killing California heat. Theoretically, they could still go down to a coffee shop and charge their electronics there. And they did have a battery store they had stocked up on for baby toys that were powering the radio, flashlights, and anything else they’d found useful.

The room was lit with a few candles, most of them scented creating an odd aroma and soft lighting. Most of them she and Aaron had bought for their honeymoon and had promptly forgotten to pack. It seemed there was a silver lining to everything. When they were done, she rinsed the dishes off but just left then in the sink before going to the couch. She picked up Lucinda and curled up with Aaron, placing the sleeping baby on her chest. Aaron affectionally held onto her foot while Idina rubbed the child’s back. Sleeping babies were second best. Awake, calm, and happy babies were best.

Walker cozied up to both of them. He was holding Soren. Soren was getting so big, Idina noticed. They’d be a month old in a few days. It was scary to think. She tickled Lucinda under the chin and the baby gurgled, moving a bit. She was so adorable. Idina kissed her temple and looked up to Aaron who was smiling down at the two of them. He pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth and the announcer on the radio droned on about statistics and new bylaws.

“I’m bored,” Walker said.

“I know, Pumpkin,” she said, “but there’s nothing I can do about it. Why don’t you hand me Soren and go play a card game with Erika?”

“No,” he said, holding the baby protectively.

Idina chuckled. “Soren’s going to be fine with mommy,” she said.

“I like him,” Walker argued. “And he’s sleeping.”

“Well, you’re going to be bored then,” she informed him. He scowled but stayed seated on the couch. Idina kissed his head but he looked at her in disgust a whipped it off. She rolled her eyes.

* * *

The next morning, Aaron slept in after doing most of the overnight. Idina was already downstairs when he got up. Erika and Walker were playing a card game in her room as the sun was streaming through and Walker’s was still in shade.

The triplets weren’t in their room, so they were most likely downstairs with their mother and grandmother. He checked the time. They were probably down of their first nap of the day. That was good. He wanted some alone time with Idina.

Stomach growling, Aaron went downstairs, wondering if Idina has risked the camping stove or if Helen had cooked something up. Idina would have already taken the medication by now, so he could rest easy knowing Helen would have gotten him if she reacted to it. Though he did like to cuddle her and monitor her himself after she did.

The soft noise of the radio could be heard as he made his way down the stairs. Louie boded up to him, nudged his legs, yipped a bit, then bounded back down the stairs, stopping on the main floor to look back up at him. His gut sank and he rushed down the stairs.

At first, he wasn’t sure what was wrong, but Louie soon bounded up to the couch where Idina had her knees drawn up against her chest, her face buried, and was shaking. Heart caught in his throat, he was over and by her side in seconds.

“Chickadee,” he cooed, trying to get her attention. “What’s wrong?” He reached over and turned off the radio. The triplets were in their cots. He left her for a second just to make sure they were alright. All three were asleep and breathing.

“Dee?” he whispered in her ear. He hugged her and tries to pull her into his lap, but she was brick stuck in place.

He nuzzled her, trying to get her to look at him as he wrapped her in the blanket they kept over the back of the couch. Louie licked her bare lower legs and she pushed him away with her foot. He hugged her tightly, feeling hot tears leak down his face as he kissed her cheek. The babies were okay, but that did not mean that something had not happened. This could also be her brain, or the meds, or both.

He tried everything she knew that soothed her. He ran his finger through her hair, massaged her shoulders, kissed her temple. She was still shaking, rigid and unresponsive. Aaron sighed and hugged her tightly, hoping she would tire out. After a while, she stopped shaking as much.

“Chickadee,” he said again, trying to get her attention. He hummed to her as he rubbed her back.

Slowly, she uncurled from her tight ball. He quickly slipped his hand between her torso and legs, hugging her tightly and pulling her out and into his lap. She was white-faced and sobbing. Her skin was ice-cold.

“What’s wrong honey?” he asked softly, his lips brushing her ear.

She was still nonverbal, but she soon moved, turning, and pressing her body against him. Then she hooked an arm over his shoulder and held him tightly. He rubbed her back and tried his best to soothe her.

When she stopped shaking and the colour started to return to her face, he asked her what was wrong.

Burying her face in his chest, she mumbled something. “News” and “baby” was all he could make out.

He asked her to repeat it. Through gasping breaths, she told him: “The news… babies... died… dehydration and heatstroke. The triplets, what if something happens?”

She was calming down a bit but still crying. “What if their food spoils and they starve? I can’t feed them anymore Aaron!” she sobbed, weakly hitting his chest with clenched fists. “There were a few last nights what if ours are next? A heatwave is coming, and we don’t have any A/C. Ours are younger, more venerable.”

He felt like he’d been slapped. She wasn’t being irrational. Idina sensed his reaction and started crying harder.

“We did everything and now we’re going to lose them,” she sobbed. “And we still could. SIDS is a thing, and they’re no warning. That why they call it sudden. But they could starve and there’s nothing we can do about without making them severely disabled because of the meds.”

Her hand went to her upper arm and Aaron noticed that she had pinched and scratched it raw. It was lumpy, scabbing, and a few blood trails were dripping down her arm.

He took her hand in his. “Dee, look at me,” he said. She couldn’t. He carefully dripped his finger under her chin and raised her head so that they were on eye level. She looked away after a few seconds. “Dee, our children will be alright. We have money, you do. We’ll buy more ice. We can try cooling the studio. It’s soundproofed and pretty insulted. As long as we plan, nothing will happen to the babies.”

“But SIDS,” she mumbled. He could feel her hand curling and slightly tugging to get free, knowing what she wanted to do he held firm.

“No buts Idina,” he said. “That has nothing to do with the heat. We have three perfectly healthy babies.”

“But it happens to perfectly healthy babies,” she argued.

“Is there something we can do about it?” he asked.

She shook her head, closing her eyes tightly.

“Then let’s not worry about it, okay?”

Idina shook her head again.

“Dee, we can worry about food and the temperature, and we should be because can do our best. But what we can’t do is ignore it to worry about something there’s nothing we can do about.”

“Do you even love them? How are not freaking out? They could die, Aaron! Would you even care?”

“I care, Idina,” he reassured her.

“No, you don’t! If you did you wouldn’t be so calm about this. And don’t you dare start going on that this might be meds,” she threatened.

“I’m not,” he replied. “Being worried is valid, but freaking out to the point of not being able to function is not. Dee, we can work on this, okay? We can make it safe for the triplets, but you’ve got to be thinking clearly.”

She clammed up, closing her eyes, and holding her breath, trying to stop sobbing and shaking. It wasn’t working and she looked up panicked to Aaron, who started coaching her. He wrapped the blanket around her.

“It’s okay Chickadee,” he said. “Take your time. I love you; I love our babies. I love everyone in this house, even our annoying little furball.”

It took her a few minutes for her to ger calmer. Aaron made the mistake of letting her hand go and she started scratching at her arm again, without realizing it. She pulled it back and saw the blood, then began to panic again. Aaron took her hand and began to massage her palm, telling her to remain calm.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she wound down. “I’m not sure what’s—I think there’s something wrong with my head, I can’t see straight,” she muttered after collapsing against his chest. “I feel awful, I’m so sorry, I just can’t—” she was cut off by snivelling. “I can’t stop,” she sobbed.

“Do you want me to call Angelika?”

Idina nodded timidly and Aaron reached for the nearest phone with power left. He called his wife’s therapist and sigh with relief when she answered. He handed the phone to Idina, who was still a sobbing mess and massaged her while she tried to calm down enough to talk, then he did his best not to pay attention to the one-sided conversation. Idina talked for a while and listened for longer, but he could tell his wife was calming down. She got up and walked over to the children and studied them, the phone still to her ear. Then she came back and sat down on his lap, curling up and leaning on his chest. He held her while she finished up the call and turned the phone off.

She sat there for a while and didn’t say a thing and Aaron did not make her.

“She wants me to come in,” Idina mumbled after a while.

Aaron’s stomach growled in response.

“Oh, right you haven’t—”

“Dee, stop, deep breaths,” he reminded her.

“Sorry,” she said again. “She wants me to come in,” Idina reiterated.

“What does she think’s going on?” Aaron asked, his mind swimming with ideas of his own. The meds, the brain injury. The meds and brain injury. Something worse. Just Idina. Something Idina wasn’t telling him about.

“Stress,” Idina said. Aaron wasn’t entirely sure that was it. “She did want to tell me,” Idina replied. “I’m an awful mother.”

“No you’re not,” he said. “We’ve got five beautiful children. Look at Walker, he’s good.”

“No, he’s not,” she said. “I messed him up and he’s just pretending,” she mumbled. “Just shut up,” she told him, burying her face in his shirt, still taking deep breaths.

Aaron hugged her and rubbed her back, his stomach still growling. Idina grew still; she had cried herself to sleep. Walker came down a few minutes later, asking for more breakfast.

“What’s wrong with mom?” he asked when he saw him, mom, asleep on Aaron’s chest. He walked over and gently stroked her cheek. “Was she crying?”

“Yeah,” Aaron admitted, “but I think she’d okay.”

Walker's hand went to the blood on her arm. “What happened?”

“You how some people get stressed and they bite their lips or scratch a lot?”

“Yeah?”

“Your mom was kind of doing that,” Aaron lied. “She was just a bit stressed and taking it out the wrong way.” He wasn’t sure if it was entirely a lie, but considering the situations the last time she did it, it probably was.

“Why is mom stressed?” Walker asked, looking up at his stepdad with huge brown eyes.

“She heard some bad news over the radio and got worried about the triplets.”

“What news?” Walker pressed.

“People have started dying because of the heat,” Aaron told him, “And some of them were babies. Your mom is worried about the triplets if it gets too hot in the house.”

“But they’ll be okay, right?” he said in a panic, looking over to the cots. “If they’re not… mommy will be...” his lower lip was trembling. He hugged his mom.

“They’ll be fine, Walker, I promise. When your mom wakes up, we’re going to make a plan to make sure they’re fine, alright?”

He nodded, but he did not look sure. He kissed his mother’s brow and took her hand.

“Want to curl up with Dee?” Aaron asked, knowing the look on the boy’s face.

Walker nodded enthusiastically. Aaron carefully moved Idina to make room for Walker. The boy crawled onto the couch and wrapped his mother’s arms around him.

“You’re comfortable,” he told Aaron as he settled in.

Aaron chuckled, wrapping his arms around both of them. He could go without food for a bit.


	74. Chapter 74

Walker asked Aaron a million questions. He tried his best to answer all of them.

“Do you really love mom?’

“Yes, Walk, completely.”

“Is it my fault mom’s sad so much?”

“No.”

“Whose fault is it?”

“No one’s.”

“Is it mom’s fault?”

“No.”

“Then why is she sad?”

“Her brain isn’t working properly. You know that. She is getting a signal that tells her she is supposed to be upset, but it does not stop when it is supposed to, and she gets more upset. Her signals and chemicals are off.”

“I thought the medicine was supposed to help.”

“She just started taking it, it takes a few weeks to work.”

“What if it doesn’t help?”

“Then we can try a new one.”

“What if none of them work?”

“Something will.”

“What do we do until something works?”

“We try and help her the best we can. We make sure she’s safe and with safe people and that she trusts us.”

“What if mom hurts herself?” The question coming from such a young child gutted him. “I was reading on the tablet and when people get sad like mom, they sometimes hurt themselves. And then they take them away. I don’t want mom to get taken away.”

“Walker,” he said, rubbing the boy’s back, “I care about your mother very much and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure she doesn’t, but sometimes people need more help than what I can give, and if that happens we have to let those who are qualified to help her help her. And it won’t be forever.” Walker pulled his mother’s arms around him tighter. “I don’t want her to go away either, Walk, I promise,” he reassured him. “And the medication might work. It is too early to tell. It takes a few weeks to see results, and her hormones are still a bit haywire from the pregnancy, so she’ll get a bit better just by the levels coming down.”

“Promise?” Walker asked.

“Yep, I promise bud,” Aaron replied. “I love your mom and you. I’m going to do my best, I promise.”

Walker held onto Aaron’s arm tightly in response. “If something happens to mom, I’m going to hate you forever,” he informed his stepdad. He was quiet for a while. “Do you think rehab really helped dad?”

“Yes, I do. I don’t know for sure, but the goal is to help people and if he’s moving and selling the house, he needs to be sober enough to do it.”

“Does he know what he did to mom?”

Aaron sighed. “Yes and no. He knows, but not to what extent.”

“That’s not fair,” Walker huffed.

“Why not?” Aaron was not sure what he was getting at.

“He did all this, and he has no idea how bad it is. He can just pretend it is all fine and it is not. He doesn’t see mom like this.”

“He’s not okay either, Walk. That is why he had to go to rehab. In the long run, if your dad can get better, it will good.”

“But it’s not _fair_ ,” Walker emphasized.

“No, it’s not,” Aaron agreed. “but we just need to try and do what is best for everyone, not what seems fair. This is better for everyone.”

“Why are Nanni and Papi mad at me?”

“Hmm?”

“Nanni and Papi, why can’t we visit them for my birthday? Why did dad say he doesn’t want me to see them?”

“They’re not mad at you Walk. They are mad at your mom. And your dad is worried they might use you to try and hurt Dee so he wants you to stay away from them right now.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really know,” he admitted. He was not going to say that they had graves for Soren and Zephyr in their yard. Walker loved his little brothers and it would crush him. He already had so much going on that he was worried about and Aaron did not want to add to it.

“If they stop being mad at mom, will it help?”

“Maybe, but I don’t think she’s been worrying about them recently. They are in New York, which is far away, and I do not think they are going to do anything. I think your dad was just very worried about you and Dee and doing what he thought was best to keep you both safe, even if it was extreme.”

“He doesn’t care about us,” Walker spat.

Aaron was not sure what to say. He was not sure what Idina would want him to say. She did not want to sour his view of Taye anymore, but Aaron was not keen on defending him either.

“I don’t think that’s true,” was all he said. Because Taye did care, at the very least he cared enough to stay away. At most he was so mad he had made up that thing about his parents either to get out of paying child support that Idina did not want to pursue anyway or just hoping it would mess with her more. Aaron did not want to believe his wife’s ex had a whole plan to mentally break her to get custody of Walker. He knew full well that all he had to do was ask to see him and as long as Walker was semi-okay with it Idina would let it happen even to the determent of her own mental health.

Aaron’s stomach growled loudly, the vibrations enough for Walker to feel them.

“Are you hungry?” the boy asked.

“Yes,” Aaron admitted. “I haven’t head breakfast yet.”

“Because you’ve been taking care of mommy?”

“Yep.”

Walker got up and went over to the fridge. He got out a yogurt cup and a spoon and brought it to Aaron. He opened the cup, mixed it, and held a spoon up to Aaron’s face.

“Thanks for taking care of mom,” he said, “but don’t let go of her, she likes it when you hold her.”

It was a bit messy, but Walker managed to spoon-feed his stepfather some food without dripping some on his mother, so they both took it as a win as he crawled back on top of Aaron and cuddled Idina.

“I love you,” Walker said, “Because you love mom and mom loves you. You love me too, right?”

“Yes, of course, I do.”

“And you love Erika?”

“Yes.”

“She never says it.”

“It’s complicated for her. Words mean different things to her and carry a different weight. Just like dad means something for you, it means something else to her.”

“Cause you’re acting like more of a dad than dad,” he decided. “Dad plus one. But Erika doesn’t really have a dad, so are you dad or plus one?”

“I think I’m still her plus one,” Aaron said. “And Idina’s her plus one. But neither of us cares about labels, we care about her.”

“How come she never comes and cuddles with us?”

“It’s weird and awkward,” he said, “she’s a lot older than you, to begin with. Like you are comfortable with Dee climbing into your bed because she has been doing it her whole life, but Erika is not. It would be like Taylor’s mom trying to climb into your bed. Kind of weird, right? Or me.”

“If it meant mommy would come sleep with me when she’s sad you can come into my bed,” Walker said. “Would she?”

“And pass up the chance to give you goodnight kisses? Of course, she would come.”

“Then you have to come to my room next time she’s sad so we can both make her happy. Like when she or Erika get scared and you make them not scared.”

“Do you ever get scared at night?”

“No, I’m a big boy,” he replied. “Would Erika come and cuddle with us if we asked her too? I think mom would like it.”

“Idina would love that, but don’t, okay Walker. I don’t want her to feel pressured into doing anything she’s uncomfortable with.”

“But why would she feel uncomfortable?”

“Well, she did just meet us less than a year ago,” Aaron pointed out. “And she is a lot older, Things that are fine as a kid get more inappropriate as you get older. Like it is cute to run around naked when you are two with a diaper on your head. When you are sixteen, someone calls the police for public indecency. Sleeping in a bed with adults in one of those things. I think it is a bit different from your parents, it depends a lot on your family values, but it is something people get into fights bout. Even things like if the family should kiss on the mouth, or if you should breastfeed children past a year or especially when they get old enough, they might remember it. Or even, girls especially, calling their dad ‘daddy’. A lot of that can be construed as inappropriate.”

“It’s about sex, right?” Walker asked.

“Yep,” he said. “People sexualize a lot of things they should not, so there’s a clear cut it’s not for a kid and is for an adult. Like your mother and I sleep in the same bed. It is not the same as her crawling into your bed. But if you were twenty, that would be weird, especially if she wasn’t your mother.”

“I get it now,” he replied. “That’s sad. Erika never got people to help her sleep. But that is not why she has night terrors,” he said.

“No, it’s not.”

“Do you know why she does?”

“Yeah,” he replied. Idina had shown him her files.

“Me to a bit. She said someone died. She didn’t say who though, do you know who?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me?”

“No, Walk, it’s her secret. She’ll tell you if she wants too.”

“Oh, okay.” He sounded disappointed. “I don’t want mom to go away,” he said after a while. He closed his eyes and kept on arm firmly keeping his mother’s around him and the other clasped around Aaron’s.

Louie jumped back up into the couch a found a comfortable position on top of Walker’s feet. Aaron just smiled a bit, looking down at his family. Walker looked so much like both his parents it was unnatural. And he had all the best bits of both. Aaron was already beginning to worry. What if his genes were stronger than Idina’s? They had a public life no matter how hard they tried to be private and people would bully their kids, especially their daughter if she were not as drop-dead gorgeous as her mother. He had already seen some thread about that talking about Erika even though they were not related by blood. Aaron thought she was beautiful, but it was possible he still had his dad's lenses on. Not to mention his comparison was always the unhealthy girl he had first met, not an idol celebrity. He knew he was not an attractive one. He knew people criticized it. He was the reverse trophy wife.

It was too early to worry about this now, but at the same time, maybe he should be preparing. So he knew what to do if Lucinda comes home one day crying. If Erika did. He was the stay at home. If Idina were working, he would have to handle it. And period drama when Idina was away. There was so much he was still unprepared for. But he knew Idina would help where she could, and he also knew she was the one making bank, keeping them afloat. They could not split childcare half/half.

They might still need a live-in nanny, and of course, it would come out of Idina’s pocket. He was a leech. And he needed to stop doubting himself. If he started spiralling, this would all fall apart. Look at what had just happened, he had done well with Walker. He was doing well with Erika and everyone was bonding with the triplets. They were still alive. The heatwave was not here yet. They could make a plan and enact it and do everything that needed to be done to give the triplets their best chance. Because they were not even a month old yet. And he never admitted it, but he was just as stressed out about it as his wife. Zephyr was moving around, and Aaron swore he would have a heart attack every time the boy fell the few centimetres onto the mat when his chubby little limbs gave out or he made an uncoordinated movement.

“I think mom’s waking up,” Walker said.

“What gave it away?” Idina mumbled, suddenly stirring.

“Hmm?” Aaron asked. “I dozed off a bit.”

“You were hugging me tighter,” Walker said, “so you were awake.”

Idina squeezed him in response.

“Are you feeling better?” Walker asked.

“What do you mean?” Idina replied. Aaron wondered for a second if she was being Mother or if she truly did not remember. The fact that he was not sure worried him.

“I know you were crying,” Walker said. “And it is okay, I just don’t want you to be sad. Are you better now?”

“I think so, a bit,” Idina replied with a sniffle. She whipped her nose. “Are the triplets still asleep?”

“Yes Chickadee,” Aaron said. “They’re fine.”

“You haven’t checked since I fell asleep.”

Walked got up and looking into the cots. “They’re all breathing,” he said.

Idina sighed in relief. She rolled over so that she was no longer on her side and hugged Aaron tightly. He could feel a few tears falling on his neck and shirt as he hugged her back.

“That scared me,” she whispered so that Walker could not hear her. “I really want to go see Angelika, I felt like I had no control over myself.”

Walker came back to the couch with a sleeping Zephyr. “Here mommy,” he said. “See, Zeph is fine.”

Idina sat up and stared at her son lovingly. “Thanks, Walk,” she said, taking Zephyr from him. Aaron pulled her back down onto his chest and placed the baby on hers. She watched him intently. He was breathing and clenching a fist in his sleep. “What are you dreaming about?” she cooed. What did babies dream about? It is not like they had complex understandings of what was going on around them. They lived in a happy bliss of being masters to any capable being around them. Maybe he was dreaming of warm milk and not being so hot he had to sleep in diapers only. She hoped he was dreaming of her so that they never had to be without each other.

Walker cuddled with them, a hand on his brother and another around his mom. He looked at her face then wiped away a few tears that were caught in the corner of her eye. He kissed her cheek then kissed the baby’s cheek. Idina was still rubbing the child’s back.

She heard Aaron’s stomach growl. It sounded uncomfortable. “Are you hungry?” she asked, not wanting to get up. But she knew she had too. He had nothing to eat.

“I’m okay,” He said. His stomach growled again.

“But you haven’t had anything since last night,” she argued.

“No,” Walker said. “I fed him yogurt while you were asleep. I can get another yogurt cup.”

“That was sweet Walk,” Idina said. “But Aaron needs a proper meal now, or at least as proper as we can make.” She handed Zephyr back to Walker and asked him to put the baby in the crib. Then she stood up, instantly affirming her prior action had been the right one. She was wobbly on her feet; unbalanced and her hands flew out to try and regain her balance as she felts herself go faint for a moment.

“Woah, Dee,” Aaron exclaimed, on his feet the second she was not steady. He caught her and held her upright. “Don’t get up so quickly next time,” he said.

She just nodded and hugged him. Walker ran off to the kitchen to get some food while he just held her.

“How badly do you want to see Angelika?” he asked.

“Soon,” she said. She just wanted to talk to her first before she talked to Aaron because she did not want to make him panic. She wanted to know the proper medical terms to use for whatever was going on inside her brain because she knew how protective her husband was of her right now and that he’d be quick to be on the life raft if something was amiss. She just wanted to make sure the boat was sinking before the abandoned ship and got lost in the middle of the ocean.

* * *

After the triplets were down for their afternoon nap, Aaron took Idina to see her therapist. Idina could not figure out if she wanted to go in alone or not and eventually settled for Aaron coming in with her because he was keeping her calm. She was not keen on having a nervous breakdown in front of her therapist. It just seemed like an awfully bad idea.

She still made sure she had all her papers in order, especially the ones about her medication. It was not therapist prescribed and they were new so Idina doubted Angelika would know much about them, but if she thought they might be the cause then they would have a starting point.

Clutching her journal, Idina followed the secretary into the office, Aaron close behind her.

“Sir,” Angelika said when she saw him, “this is a private session.”

“I want him here,” Idina said. “This is my husband, Aaron,” she explained in case Angelika did not know already.

“Nice to meet you,” Aaron said, extending a hand. They shook and Angelika apologized for there was only one chair.

“It’s fine,” Idina said with a smile, directing Aaron to sit then sitting down on top of him. She was so comfortable with his presence it did not bother her today that Angelika was studying her body language, or more accurately, theirs.

“So, what happened this morning?” she asked.

“I, uh, heard on the radio that some babies had—” she clammed up. She felt Aaron squeeze her leg, but she could not even bring herself to think of the ending to that sentence. “I heard that— and then I thought that—” and it was happening all over again.

Aaron did not say anything, but he was squeezing her hand, giving her something to focus on. Idina croaked out a sob before regaining her composure.

“I know what they said,” Angelika replied as she took some notes. “And how did it make you feel?”

“Like there was nothing I could do,” she said. “Like I was a bad mother for even living here in California and I never should have had children.” She paused. “And then I was mad at myself because how could I even think that? How could I even wish that they weren’t here?” she started getting choked up again. She leaned into Aaron for support.

“How have you felt all day?”

“Sad,” she admitted. Like she might burst into tears at any moment.

Angelika went through her journal with her, then asked Aaron a few questions. They talked for a bit, using medical terms and he ran a hand through Idina’s hair subconsciously. It was so soothing she was about to fall asleep but was pulled out of it when Angelika addressed her again.

“When did these feelings in inadequacy begin?” she asked. “Was it before or after you started the medication?”

“Before?”

“Did you have them during the pregnancy?”

“Depends, does not think I’d carry them full term because there’s something medically wrong with my uterus count? And the fact that I got assaulted by my ex who could have hurt them?”

“No,” she said. “Something that would be a bit less rational. Those are very legitimate concerns.”

“Not really,” Idina admitted. “I had low days where I hated Aaron’s guts for making me pregnant or wanted to tell them to shut up and stop kicking, but that was it.”

“And have you had a hormone level test done since the triplets were born?”

“Mhmm,” she said, “the papers should be there, I had them done before I got the prescription and after I started taking them.”

“And the incident with your mother in law, is that normal?”

“No,” Idina admitted. Normally they were both a bit saner.

“And when you’re alone with eh triplets, what do you want to do?”

“I just want them to be all mine again,” she admitted. “As I want them on me, maybe back inside, but happy and fun babies, not a pain in the ass. I like to put them on my stomach when they are sleeping. I feel kind of like they are far away, and I do not know what to do to get them back. And I can’t hug them and squeeze them tightly like Aaron or Walker either.”

They talked for a bit more. She asked detailed questions about the birth. Aaron had to answer most of them. She had blocked it out, not to mention she had been asleep. Then again, it came down to how it had made Idina feel. It took some coaxing, but she got the truth out. She had thought she was going to live, and the triplets would die. And she had thought that if that happened, she would throw herself off the nearest cliff the second she was let outside. And then the first one came, and it seemed perfect, but they took little Soren away. And she spent all her energy worry about him that when Zephyr came, she knew it was going to be one or the other. She had no memory of delivering Lucinda. It was all gone. She knew Lucinda was hers, somehow, maybe by instinct, but it did not change the fact that she did not remember it all.

“And you’re trying to make up for that by spending a toe of time with her?”

Idina nodded.

“Do you think it’s affecting your sons?”

“I think everything I do is affecting them,” she said. “That’s the problem. If I am not perfect, then… then we will not have them… and I am not perfect, so it is only a matter of time until I screw up. I almost already did. When I took the medication, if we had not realized sooner, if I fed them, the levels of the drug in my milk would have been toxic to a baby. It was toxic to me.”

“How do you feel you are doing?”

“Not good,” she said. “I wouldn’t trust myself to be alone doing childcare.”

“Why?”

“In case I have an episode or a spasm, or just because I’m generally incompetent.” She was kicking herself for saying this. The last thing she wanted was to be told she was not fit for childcare and get removed from her babies. But she would not get better by lying.

Angelika nodded and wrote a few more things down. “I think a few things are going on,” she said. “When it comes to the episodes of uncontrollable emotion, I think it has to do with your brain injury. The high levels of hormones may have been stimulating some activity, and now you’re going through withdrawal, but at the same time, your doctors only know how your brain injury affects your pregnant brain, not your post-partum or normal hormone level brain. I do not think this is the medication, as hours after is too soon for a side effect of that sort. I do think you are dealing with the baby blues, bordering on post-partum depression. A lot of people think it is just about the baby, but it is not. If the mother is feeling inadequate, even if she is doing everything properly, it can still be PPD. Right now, it is hard to diagnose because we do not know what a symptom of the medications and your brain injury is, but your feelings line up with baby blue boarding on PPD.”

“What can I do about it?”

“Baby blues tend to go away on its own, especially if there have been no bonding issues which it seems there are not. Usually, I’d prescribe some anxiety medication if the mother was not breastfeeding to help calm the nerves, but I know you taking some already that have been tested against your other medication so I won’t be. Idina, you have got this, okay? You are an amazing mother to those triplets, and they are lucky to have you as a parent.”

“Thanks,” Idina said with a weak smile. She looked up at Aaron who smiled back at her. She was taking care of herself, just like she had promised.

“However, my concern is that with the medication and your state, if this were to develop into PPD that it would quickly become a psychosis. Do you know what the difference is between post-partum depression and post-partum psychosis?”

“No,” Idina said. Aaron probably did.

“PPD is depression brought on by having a child and is a precursor to the psychosis. It can manifest in either the mother not bonding with the child or the mother feeling inadequate. It is often treated as depression. The psychosis, on the other hand, is when paranoia or other extreme symptoms start to come in. Attempting to hurt oneself or the baby, ideas that the baby might not be yours or is possessed. It can sometimes include hallucinations.”

“And you think Idina is high-risk for a full psychosis?”

“Only if this develops into a depression,” Angelika said. “I don’t think that will happen.”

“What happens if it does?” she asked, worried.

“That depends on how bad the psychosis is. Whether or not you are a danger to yourself or the babies will play a large factor in determining the next steps. But do not worry about that unless it comes to. It. You have more than enough on your plate right now.”

“Right,” Idina said.

“And if your treatment does work, I have little reason to believe anything will happen,” she added.

“Thanks,” Idina said with a smile. That was everything. So, she had the baby blues. It was such a funny name when she thought about it. She was just sad she was not Idina Menzel anymore, just stay at home mom who has no idea what she is doing Menzel. And being anxious did not help. But she could never see herself hurting the triplets. God no, she would never do that. They were too precious, and she was falling in love with them more every day.

* * *

Back home, she was greeted by Walker jumping on her and giving her a huge bear hug while shouting “Mommy!” as he did so. She swung him around, laughing as she accidentally swung his feet into Aaron.

She was not really feeling better, she still felt down. But she put it aside to play Smash with Walker and Erika until the triplets woke up, then she watched the crawl around and grab at things until supper. Once they were asleep again Aaron made her start work on the baby-proofing the recording studio because they had a plan. A plan that was going to work.

The heatwave was still a few days away, and who knows, by then they might have a power schedule up and Idina could turn the A/C on in triplet designated rooms and cool them down enough to last until the next power allotment.

Then she went up to Erika’s room.

“Hi,” Erika said when she saw her.

“Hey,” Idina replied. “What are you up to?”

“Actually, nothing, I’ve just been laying on the couch. It’s hot,” she complained.

“Miss New York?” Idina asked.

“Just the temperature,” she replied. “It’s kind of nice not having buildings that block out the sun sometimes, but it’s way too hot and it never snows.”

Idina sat down beside her as she moved her legs to make room, pulling them closer. “Me too,” Idina said. She was not sure what else to say. Tomorrow they would be making a long drive to get the DNA test done. The court was supposed to resume next week. Justice does not need electrical lighting to function. Idina ended up just sitting there for a while. The two of them were both wondering how to break the silence, but neither one of them wanted too. For once the silence was comfortable. There was no obligation to talk or have any reason to be close. They just were.

* * *

A week later the had the DNA results from three different companies. They all had the same answer. Erika and the supposed Elija: no match. Erika and the supposed Elvira: niece/aunt.

It could be worse.


	75. Chapter 75

Idina wanted to sue the posers for everything they had. She had never felt so vindictive before. She wanted to bleed them dry of everything. The only reason why she did not was because Erika asked her not to. She said that this would just create a circle of hatred and bad feelings and that it would not help anyone in the end. Idina had a feeling those were Gerda Snow's words, but if Snow had given Erika the words that she needed to properly express her own opinion then she would respect it.

Their case had been dismissed. Aaron and Idina were now free to apply for adoption. And of course, it meant more paperwork and having CPS check their house again, and interviews with Erika and Walker and her therapist and few teachers just for good measure. Idina found it all infuriating. She knew why there was due process, but it seemed futile especially when she factored in all the times due process had failed. Then again if it were not there, it would just churn out more failures.

The power was back on for two hours on Monday, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. They charged their phone, tablets, and laptops, and funnelled all the A/C into the basement which had slowly turned into their new living room. Erika had to go back to work on power days, but Idina seemed to be the only person who minded. Erika liked getting out, Aaron and Helen thought it was good for her, and Walker was busy playing video games, so he never noticed.

The triplets never left the basement. Idina kept them in rooms with lots of suns when it was cool so that they got enough vitamin D, but they were still restricted to the basement while the heatwave struck. They were getting restless. At first, the basement had been exciting, but now they wanted to go to other places. It seemed they clued in that the world was larger than their room and playpen and wanted to explore. And they were more verbal. They were not speaking words, but they were making sounds and noises. Lucinda would often open and close her mouth when she saw people speaking, trying to mimic what they were doing but she hadn't quite clued in yet that she had to move her mouth and make noise at the same time.

She had been talking with Carlyle. They still needed to get the Rivera posers to take down the articles they had written about her and Aaron. Thy were defamatory lies and there was something eerily familiar about them that rubbed Idina the wrong way. She wanted them exorcised from the internet, if that was even possible, scrubbed from sites like the way back machine and whipped into oblivion. She did not want it following Erika around for the rest of her life. It was one of the first things that popped up when one googled her name. The posers had a wad of cash stashed somewhere to fund such an endeavour.

Erika was still touchy about the topic. Her New York box loomed on her desk, waiting for her to make up her mind. Idina highly doubted there was anything in there that would help the case at this point, but she had a feeling there might be some sort of explanation that might help Erika and because of that, she wanted the girl to open it. But Idina knew not to push so she did not.

But Idina could rest easy now. There were no aunt rights as far as she was aware. Grandparent rights were a thing in some states, but not the same as parental rights so the fake Elvira had no legal standing claim to Erika.

"Hey, Erika," Idina said, walking into the girl's room. "Sorry to bother you, just Aaron's asleep and we need more formula so I was wondering if you could drive me into the store. We could go somewhere else too for practice if you want, I know you haven't gone out this week." Idina was practically shaking. She had never really asked for a favour before. Aaron had chewed her out when he found out she had driven to a coffee shop while he had been gone and almost laid it in on Helen for allowing Idina to do it until he realized it might not be the best idea.

"Sure," Erika said, putting her book down like it was no problem in the world.

"You sure?"

Erika gave her a confused look. "Um, yeah," she said, now sounding unsure herself.

"Thanks so much," Idina said as Erika picked up her wallet and checked to make certain her learner's permit was there.

They went out to the garage. It was empty without their van. There was no way of recovering it. A car had caught fire as Aaron had though, and the gas tank had exploded and caused a chain reaction and the freeway had been on fire for a bit. They were moving north when this craziness was over with. She could find work there and network remotely, only coming back to LA when she needed to film. She was Idina Frickin' Menzel and she could do whatever the hell she wanted (within the constraints of the law on her moral compass, of course).

Idina checked the baby monitor app on her phone again. She was starting to realize she was checking it obsessively every time she left them sleeping like as if it might have magically unpaired overnight. After she visited with her therapist, she was starting to realize a butt load of things about her habits. But would worrying make it worse? Were her habits worrying? She was definitely making worse. She needed to calm down. Right now.

She got into the passenger seat beside Erika who was checking the mirrors and adjusting the seat. She pulled out into the street. She was a lot better. Idina had never really driven with her while she was learning, but she knew form what Aaron had told her that there was ample improvement.

"Center of the road," Idina reminded her as she was slowly pandering towards the sidewalk.

"Right," Erika said, correcting the mistake just as slowly.

They made it to the mall in one piece. Idina had her small list and they were making good time going up and down the aisle methodically. Some things were completely out of stock, but they found a quick alternative. Idina grabbed two large packets of AA batteries and one of AAA. Just in case.

"Oh my god!" she heard someone whisper behind her. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder.

She turned to face a redhead teenager around Erika's age who had a younger child clamped onto her arm. The younger girl looked around eight.

"You're Idina Menzel!" the redhead exclaimed.

"Oh, yes, hi," she said with a smile. The younger girl hid behind her older sister.

The teen whipped out her phone.

"I'd love to take a picture, but I need to remind you that if you get Erika in your video or picture and post it online you will be liable for criminal charges," she said quickly as she noticed the teen was about to start filming.

The teen nodded enthusiastically, and Erika offered to take the picture of them. The redhead's name was Danie and Idina even autographed a post-it note for Danie's friend and hugged her before going on their way.

They almost made it to the cash register before someone else noticed them. With a loud "Look, it's Idina Menzel," half the store now knew of her presence. She gave Erika the baby formula and her card, telling the girl to pay for it and wait in the car. If people were going to mob her for her stuff because somehow being rich meant she did not need food, she was at least making sure she had when she needed to feed her babies. She could part with the batteries and food, but not the formula. She kept a close eye on Erika as the girl slipped into the crowd and get into a checkout line.

"Hi," a girl said excitedly, tapping her on her shoulder. She looked up o see a woman holding a toddler who was staring up at the star with wide scared eyes.

"Can we go mommy?" the child asked.

"Don't you want a picture with Elsa?" the mom asked.

"Where's Elsa?" the toddler asked, looking around the store and her thumb went to her mouth. She was adorable.

The mother looked up at Idina expectantly.

"Sorry," Idina said "but I'm on a schedule today. Maybe another time? I could sign something quickly if you'd like."

She did not want to be delayed today, nor was she sure her brain could handle the stress of touching and interacting with strangers. Especially the touching bit. She was not on the mood or in the right wits to deal with some man deciding to grope her for a photo opt. She could barely let her own husband grope her sometimes without remembering how Taye had groped at her and tore at her skin with his knife and burnt her inner thighs. Idina shivered. She did not want to be here.

She started making her way towards a cash register, keeping her head down. She'd given Erica her card, but she still had her phone and credit card. The worst came to worse she could use her chequebook.

Someone pulled her shoulder forcefully. It was another woman with a toddler. She practically threw the kid at Idina who put the child down as soon as she was placed in her unsuspecting arms.

"I'll sign something, but I am not doing pictures today," she informed the mother.

The mother took out the phone and took one anyway. Idina turned away, blinking from the flash and started focusing on putting her items on the conveyer belt. A man called out, telling her she was a bitch for buying batteries when she was probably paying for electricity and scamming everyone out of their rightful dues because she had money and she could. Idina ignored it. She was getting the same limited two hours everyone else was. And unlike everyone else her house was huge. It needed more power period. But she did not complain.

A few more cameras flashed as she was paying and she felt an intense headache coming on. Then she felt sleepy. Very, very sleepy. She wasn't entirely sure what happened next, but a few people screamed and her head hit the cold marble floor.

* * *

Idina awoke to every muscle in her body feeling strained. It felt like it had been years since her muscles had ever been loose and relaxed.

"Mrs. Menzel?"

Idina looked around, the light hurting her eyes. She winced, blinking, trying to get her bearings. She was not on a hospital bed. It felt like cold tile flooring. It was cold tile flooring. She was still on the floor of the shopping center.

"Mrs. Menzel?" a male voice asked again. "My name is Timothy, I'm a doctor. Are you alright?"

"I am, I um, what happened?" she asked as she sat up. There was a crowd around her but backed away giving her some space. The man was crouched near her.

"Idina?" a familiar voice called out.

Idina turned to it "Erika?" she said, turning to see the girl who was holding onto the formula for dear life and looked very white. Idina reached out and pulled her closer.

"Mrs. Menzel, you just had a seizure," Timothy said.

"Shit," replied Idina. The medicine was working, else she would be having a full-blown panic attack, but seizes weren't a helpful addition. Especially if she was going to be falling over and smashing her head against ceramic flooring.

She tried to stand up, but Timothy stopped her.

"Don't touch me," Idina said loudly so there were no disagreements that she had not told him not too.

"I think you need too—"

"I'll take it up with my personal doctor, thank you," Idina said.

"Oh right, just make sure you—"

"Don't worry, I will," she told him, having no idea what he's going to say next. She was not about to hash out her medical history with a stranger in front of a few dozen people with recording devices.

Erika helped Idina stand up. People started cheering and clapping and much to Timothy's protest began taking pictures of her and her saviour, calling our for the of them to pose.

The flashing lights triggered another seizure but this time Erika and Timothy caught her before her head hit the ground. After Idina was placed on her side, the star puked. Erika called Aaron, but he must have still been sleeping because he did not pick up. Timothy sent a calmer bystander to get mall security. When Idina came too this time, she was surrounded by big beefy security guys, one with a first aid kit. Some others were directing traffic flow around her and giving anyone with their phones out intimidating stares.

"Fuck my life," Idina mumbled as the medic shone a light in her eyes to make sure she was responsive. She tried to get up again but people held her down. She felt Erika rub her back sympathetically. The girl knew how much Idina hated this.

She was thoroughly checked over. Her head was bleeding. She probably had a minor concussion and should go get it tested. She also needed to get her seizures tested if this was a new thing and figure out what was causing them. _That one was easy, either my brain injury or my brain I jury meds_ , Idina thought.

Eventually, they let her go after making her sign some papers saying she received the proper medical attention and wouldn't sure the store though even without Carlyle present Idina could tell they weren't as legally binding as they tried to make them look. She had been head deep in legal paperwork this past month and a half. She did have to sign a very legal looking paper that she wasn't going to drive if she did not want them to take her to a hospital right now to get tested to see if she was allowed to drive. Not that she could have anyway on her meds, but they did not know that. The security officers had to take down Erika's license details as well, which Idina was apprehensive about. But they needed to get home. Now.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Erika asked when they got into the car.

"Yes," Idina snapped, making her flinch. "I'm sorry Erika," she said quickly, "I'm not mad at you I swear, I'm frustrated at everyone else. I'm fine, okay sweety, I promise. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. That was scary," she admitted. "You went all white and started shaking and fell over. And you hit your head too..."

"I'm fine, I promise," she reassured her.

"You don't know that," Erika argued.

"You're right, but I feel okay right now and I'll get it all sorted out, okay? You don't need to worry about me. Aaron can do that well enough for the entire world."

They both chuckled a bit and Erika started the car. They made it home in one piece and Aaron was waiting at the door for them. He hugged Idina, picking her up off her feet and holding her so tightly he might have squeezed the life out of her.

"Are you okay?" he asked both his girls. Erika nodded as she put the formula in the fridge.

"I have a bit of a headache," Idina admitted. Aaron was quick to sit her down and examine the bump on her head while Erika got her an ice pack.

"We shouldn't waste it," Idina argued.

"I'm not," Erika said as she pressed it against Idina's head and held it there until the celebrity decided she was better off holding it herself.

"We need to make an appointment to see if it's the medication," Aaron said.

"I know babe," Idina said, pulling her husband down onto the couch. "But my head really hurts right now and I just was to calm down a bit, so can we do it later?" she pleaded with a pout and puppy dog eyes.

He couldn't say no to that. Aaron pulled Idina into his lap and cradled her, holding the ice pack to her the back of her head. Erika sat beside them and rested her head on Aaron's shoulder, much to both of their delights. Aaron put an arm around her and rubbed her arm. He did not want her to be worried about Idina nor the people who were taking care of her. But at the same time, he was glad she was worried about Idina. It marked the growth he was glad to be seeing.

Walker came up from the basement and immediately wanted to know what happened. Idina told him carefully, making sure he did not freak out. He piled in on the big cuddle without saying anything. Idina hugged him tightly.

"I'm fine," she told everyone, kissing Walker's head. And she was, right now. She might not be tomorrow when this got all over the news. She woke to have to warn her PR team. People were bored and this was the exact type of speculation they would love right now.

Her head started pounding again when the noise of wailing triplets wafted up from the basement. As much as she wanted to go she couldn't make herself and Aaron made her lay down in the bedroom and brought her the children once they were placated and ready to play. She let them crawl all over her and play with noisy toys for hours until they were hungry and tired again. Head ringing, she again asked Aaron if he and her mom could put them down, apologizing profusely for dumping the with all the work. Neither of them cared. They were more worried about Idina than how much time everyone was spent caring for the babies.

When Aaron came back after putting the triplets down, Idina wasn't moving. Panicked, he rushed to the bed, shaking her only to find that she had fallen asleep.

"Sorry for waking you," he said apologetically. "I thought for a second there had been bleeding in your brain or something. You might have been dead, sorry."

She kissed him on the lips. "It's okay, I get it." She hugged him. She felt a churning in her gut, one she knew very very well. One that was entirely Aaron's fault. She was suddenly aware that his hand was on her lower back. Their chest was pressed up against each other. _Get a grip Idina!_ Her hormones had lowered her sex drive a bit, but this was more than a bit out of line.

"I want you to get checked out tomorrow," he informed her. "Concussions don't always show right away and we need to make sure there's no bleeding even if you don't have one. And if this is the mess you need to figure out the safest way to get off them."

"I think they're working," she argued. "I haven't had a memory lapse since I started, I've had a few bad nerve episodes, but were not treating my nerves. And you'd be proud of how well I was able to handle the crowd in the shopping center until I had a seizure. Maybe we can treat the seizures too, I don't know if I want to come off of it."

He listened to her, his face grim but it softened as she explained her stance. When he was done he nodded. He couldn't give her an ultimatum. She knew what was best for her. There was still much they did not know about the seizures. They needed more information before they could make their informed decisions, but if Idina thought the drugs were working then he would explore every option possible to keep her on them.

She yawned, still very turned on and trying her best not to give it away. He was just so hot when he was caring about her. And hot when he was sweating because of the heat and looking at her with those big brown eyes with a face that said he had never known true love until they met and he would do anything for the both of them. She pressed another chaste kiss to his lips. It did not relieve anything, but it made her feel good either way. She was grinning as she yawned again.

"You need sleep," he said. "Even if you didn't just have two seizures if be telling you that you need sleep," he informed her, "and because you did I'm close to begging."

"Cuddle me?" Idina asked, trying to be as small and durable as she could, raising her knees, cooking her head. _Lose all control and take me right here._

_Get a grip!_

"Course Chickadee," he said, scooting her over and crawling in beside her. "Anything for my 'Dinabird."

"Dinabird?"

"Shut up and sleep."

"I love you too, Aaronbear." She cuddled close to him, her mind hyper away that is arm was across her stomach, her abdomen. It was so close to—

Shut up!

All she had to do was move a bit and his hand would be in between her legs. She knew he was probably just as antsy. It had to have been worse for him without hormones to lower his sex drive. And it wouldn't be fair on him since she knew he wasn't going to do anything until she had it in writing from her doctors that it was okay.

She could feel him breathing. It wasn't helping either.

Just stop thinking and sleeps.

Sleep with Aaron, you coward.

Fuck.

Fuck him.

Stop it.

Maybe the medicine was making her obsessive. It said in the long list of side effects that it could have affected her. They'd both thought it meant lower, not increase. Maybe if she told Aaron he would be so relieved he'd never want her off it. No, then he'd be taking advantage of her drugs. He'd not be excited about it. But if it was the other way and she had a lower drive it would not be like he would insist they keep up their regular activities. But once she told him she was crawling out of her skin to get him in ether pants he might put a stop to everything out of respect.

She loved him but she hated him sometimes.

"You good, Dee?"

She told him everything in one long breath. He was smirking when she finished. Then she yawned again.

"Oh, Dee," he cooed, "just get some sleep, okay baby, you'll be better if you have some rest. And you need it. You are supposed to sleep after seizures."

She pouted and nodded in agreement. Her limbs were so strained they were starting to feel like potatoes sacks. She wasn't sure how she was still awake and yawned again, laying down. There was no point in resisting.

He hugged her and pulled her close, whispering her to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Idina was writing down her symptoms in her journal after putting the triplets down for their nap. They had barely slept all night long. She looked up when she heard a knock on the door. Erika was standing in the doorway.

Idina invited her on and the girl came and sat down beside her on the bed. Something seemed off, but Idina was not sure what.

"What are you doing?" Erika asked.

"Just keeping notes of all my symptoms."

"Oh, okay," she replied.

"So, what's up?"

"Nothing," the girl replied quietly. Idina pulled her closer and she melted into Idina's side resting her head on her shoulder. Something was up and Idina had no idea what.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing?"

"So there's no reason why you're cuddling me?"

Erika was quiet and looked away. She looked a bit miserable.

"If you tell me what's up, maybe I can help."

"You can't."

Idina dropped her pencil and hugged Erika. The girl started crying and curled up against Idina. She wanted to be comforted about something and Idina just wished she knew what. And she had no idea what to say to get the answers she wanted.

"Please tell me, sweety," Idina said, rubbing her back.

"She, she," Erika muttered. "It happened today," she sobbed.

"Oh," Idina replied, insure what to say. She pulled her daughter close and just held her. They'd get through it together.


	76. Chapter 76

Idina nuzzled Erika, kissing her temple and squeezing her tightly. 

“It’s okay,” she said, “have a good long cry.” Sometimes people needed one. God knows she has needed them. Sometimes she felt like she might need another one.

Erika was squeezing her so tightly as if she were worried Idina might slip away if she let go. If the crying girl did not break Idina’s heard, then the fact that she was scared Idina would leave did. Because Idina wanted to be there for her so badly but she could never tell be if Erika still had some walls up. Even sitting here with her girl curled against her, Idina could feel the disconnect.

Something crashed in the doorway.

Aaron was standing there, a tray fallen to the ground, staring at the two of them with the face of someone watching a building burn. When he snapped it off his stupor he sat down beside his daughter and rubbed her back.

“What happened?” he asked Idina quietly.

She mouthed “sister" to him. He looked a bit confused. _Today_ she mothed. His mouth formed an O as it clicked. He looked down at Erika with concern and love painted across his face, clear as day.

As he pulled Erika into his lap, the same way he often did his wife and Idina could not help but feel like for a second, he was taking something from her. But she curled up around his side, clinging to her daughter as one of his arms draped around her and she gave it back again. Aaron was on autopilot. He was comforting the only way he knew how and praying what worked on Idina would work on his daughter.

“I’m sorry,” Erika mumbled after a while, sniffling, and whipping her nose with the back of her hand.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Idina said.

She said something neither of them caught.

“It’s okay to be upset,” Aaron said. “If you are sad, it means you lost something important. It means she mattered and there’s nothing wrong with being sad about losing someone who matters.”

Idina squeezed his arm, looking up at him. How did he learn to say those kinds of things? She closed her eyes and held her family.

“And” Aaron continued, “if something matters to you it matters to us,” he finished. He wanted to add that she mattered to them too, but this was not a “you matter to me” moment, it was a “we are here for you” moment. And they were, possibly more than she would ever know.

Idina kissed her shoulder. The girl had her eyes closed and was resting her head against Aaron’s shoulder. Erika was taking deep breaths and Idina continued to rub her back.

“I’m sorry,” Erika mumbled again, “I’m normally not so… I don’t know what’s wrong…”

“Is there anything we can do?” Idina asked. Maybe there was something she normally did that would help.

Erika shook her head.

“Is there something you want to do?”

She shook her head again. “I never really, did... anything,” she said. “I was always worried about other stuff.”

“And now there’s nothing to be worried about,” Idina said, rubbing her arm. “And everything else is making it worse?”

Erika nodded and they both hugged her again. She had stopped crying, but it did not mean she no longer needed the support or attention. Aaron was rocking them both back and forth. Idina just wished there was something they could do. She felt awful for Erika. She wanted to know exactly what would make it better, but at the same time, she figured the girl would not want them asking her a million and one questions. 

Erika was still hugging Aaron. Idina’s arm was tight around her waist. Maybe something to eat would help. She always knew what to do when Walker was sad. But she had raised Walker his entire life. Idina prayed she was not doing something wrong. After a while, Erika was just resting against Aaron's chest. Her cheeks were dry, and her eyes were closed. She had a hand over Idina’s, and her thumb was moving up and down on the back of her hand.

Gods she loved this child to bits, and she hoped Erika knew that. She wished it with her bone marrow. She kissed the girl's shoulder again in a silent promise that everything would turn out for the best.

“Do you want anything?” Aaron asked as the energy sifted.

“Stay with me?” she asked quietly.

Idina hugged her tighter in response. “We aren’t going anywhere honey,” she said. “You’re stuck with us for life now, like it or not.”

Erika chuckled slightly.

* * *

Later that day Erika had left for her job. Idina was still worried about her, pacing around the house, baby in arm. She hummed as she bounced the child, content as he gurgled and smiled in approval. Soren reached out and grabbed her nose. She blew out hard, making his squeal. He grabbed her nose again. She repeated the action as Soren cried out in excitement, clapping his hands together.

Idina smiled at him, nuzzling his nose with hers. He blew out hard. She laughed aloud.

“There’s my favourite sound in the world,” Aaron called out.

She turned to him, grinning. “This little munchkin is his father’s son for sure,” she informed him. “And he is a genius, I’m sure of it. They are advanced, all three of them. We got to get ready to send them to the university by the time they should be starting high school. Dear God Aaron! How are going to deal with that? All of them out at university at the same time? Empty nest in only ten years. Oh my god, Aaron, we cannot give them up in ten years they will still be babies. Walker’s ten!”

His chuckles soon turned to full belly laughter as she came and sat down beside him. He had a child on each knee and was bouncing them in turn like a seesaw, except much safer.

“I love you,” he said, kissing her glowing cheek. “When’s the doctor's appointment?”

“This afternoon.”

“Need me to come?”

“I’m not allowed to drive,” she reminded him dryly.

“So, you need me?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes,” she exclaimed in exasperation, “I need you.”

“Bwah!” Lucinda exclaimed. “Ah!” she shrieked, followed by a laughing fit that got both her brothers giggling too.

Idina chuckled. “Looks like they think I don’t need you,” she teased. “Your big joke. I don’t need anyone.” Idina ticked Soren. He pooped. She could practically feel the vibrations. “Got to spoil everything too, just like your dad?” she asked him.

“I’ll do it,” Aaron offered, the smell already filling the room.

“I love you,” Idina said as they swapped infants.

He kissed the top of her head as he went to change the boy.

Suddenly, Idina jumped up and shrieked as all the lights flickered on and the A/C turned on and probably blew a fuse with a loud popping noise and a spark, short-cricketing the lights and flickering them off again. She could hear the humming of the fridge.

“Honey?” she called out. “I think the power’s on. We need to do damage control. Walker? Where are you, get your butt over here now mommy needs your help!”

Walker came scampering down the stairs flanked by Louie. “The WI-FI is working!” he yelled with pure glee.

“That is great, bud, but we need to make sure the house doesn’t blow up. Can you unplug everything that we may have left plugged in upstairs and make sure all the lights are off? Aaron and I will do the main floor and the basement.”

“Why?” he asked.

“So, the fuses don’t blow.”

“Will it blow up the house?”

“Maybe.”

“Cool!”

“Not cool,” Idina replied. “Please do it, Walk. Now,” she ordered.

“Fine,” he huffed, rolling his eyes, and dragging his feet as he went back upstairs.

She sighed, shaking her head as she put her youngest two down in their playpen and started checking all the sockets and switches. Aaron came back to the room with a clan Soren and deposited the eldest triplet in the pen too with his siblings.

“Do you think it will stay on?” Aaron asked.

“I'm not sure,” Idina replied. “But it's flickering and surging now.” She sighed. He rubbed her back. “I just want everything to be perfect,” she lamented.

“Me too, Chickadee,” he replied. “I’ll make something to make you feel better if you want,” he offered.

“I’m fine, honey, I promise,” Idina replied with a lopsided smile. She hooked her wristed around the back of his neck, looking up into his brown eyes. He locked his arms around her waist, and they swayed back and forth, slowly getting closer and closer.

“You are sure, I can’t make tea, but I crush up some vitamins stick them in lukewarm orange juice.”

She chuckled. “Really, you would do that for me?” She kissed his nose.

He kissed her soft lips. “I would do anything for you,” he said as they slowly collided with the wall. He kissed her lips again. “Anything for my little bird.” He kissed her a third time, this time not pulling away.

“Ew,” Walker said as he came into the room. “No kissing,” he reminded them. “You like kissing more than you like me,” he accused them with crossed arms.

“Kissing doesn’t speak back to mommy,” Idina said, locking lips with her husband again.

They pulled away giggling as Walker threw a pillow at them.

“I love you too buddy,” Aaron teased, tossing the pillow back to him. “We have to leave for the doctors soon,” he reminded his wife.

“Boo,” Walker whined. “I’m bored, can’t we play some games.”

“Well play when I get back,” Idina said. “Cross my heart,” she said while doing the action.

“But you’re always going to the doctors,” he whined again, stomping his foot.

“I have too, Walk,” she said, lowering herself to his level and hugging him. “I’m not well Walker. I do not like to admit it, but I am not. I want to get better because I want to be here for you and the triplets and Erika, and I cannot do that with the way my brain is right now. I know you want me to spend more time with you. _I_ want to spend more time with _you_. But if my brain stops working, we won’t be spending any time together.” She whipped a tear from his cheek. “Oh baby, it’s going to be alright, okay Pumpkin? Mommy promises.”

“But I don’t want your brain to be sick,” he said, holding back tears. His lower lip was quivering, and he was blinking rapidly. “I just want mommy back,” he cried unable to hold it in.

Idina hugged him, rubbing his back, and kissing him as tears rolled down her cheeks. She wanted mommy back too. She wanted the person who was not so dependent on her husband back, the one who was brave and not wreak. She wanted to feel like herself again. Aaron was doing his best to make her happy, by the gods he was, but happiness was fleeting. She rarely felt joy anymore. She had not since she had found out she was pregnant. Even before then. She needed more than just a doctor. She needed her therapist and maybe a psychiatrist and…

Aaron was rubbing _her_ back. She jugged Walker tighter and felt him collapse against her.

“I love you mom,” he said.

“I’m so sorry about all of this,” she told him. “This wasn’t how I wanted you to grow up. I wanted you to see a healthy relationship and have both your parents get along and be there for you. I wanted you to be the happiest, luckiest little boy in the whole wide world and I am so sorry I could not make that happen. But I promise I’m do everything I can to make it up to you.”

“It’s not your fault, “he said, pulling back to wipe away the tears rolling down her cheeks. “And you promise you are doing what you can gusts safe, right? I don’t want you hurting yourself with unsafe medication.”

“Aaron’s making sure of that,” she said, looking over to her husband who was kneeling beside them, still rubbing her back. She flashed him a smile.

Aaron nodded in agreement. “We did all the risk assessment and benefits analysis for Dee medication this is the best combination. And despite the seizure, your mom does think it helping her.”

“And the seizure might not be caused by the medicine,” she added.

“You haven’t had night terrors in a while,” Walker pointed out.” But you are still sad a lot. Can they give something to make you happier?”

“Walk…”

“No,” Aaron said firmly, earning shocked glances from both. Idina swatted at him with the back of her hand. “Dee can’t have things that affect her brain chemistry, especially not on this medication. But your mom's incredibly stressed as you know.”

“Because of Erika?”

“Not because of her,” Idina rationalized.

“But you wouldn’t be stressed if people weren’t trying to take her away.”

“No one’s trying to take her away anymore.”

“Then why are you stressed?”

“A lot of reasons Walk. It’s adult stuff.”

“Then who’s fault is it?” he demanded. “Aaron says it’s not mine or yours, you say it is not his or Erika’s and the triplets can’t do anything. Whose fault is it,” he crossed his arms and pulled away. “It is Dad’s fault isn’t it because he beat you up. He is the one who messed up your brain. I thought he killed you,” Walker said quietly. “And he did. I still don’t have my mommy back.”

“Walker…”

He turned and bolted up the stairs. Idina was on her feet in seconds, following him to the second story. He slammed his door in her face. She knocked on it, but he threw something at the door. She tried to open it, but he was holding it shut.

She knocked again. “Walker,” she said calmly. “Please let me in baby, we can talk.”

“I don’t want to talk! I want my mom back.”

She felt hot tears leaking down her face again, burning as they went. “Please Walkie,” she pleaded, “please let me in. I am still your mom. I still love you. I still want to snuggle up with my little Pumpkin Pie and play Wii.” She sighed, sitting down with her back to the door. “Walker, I know this is hard for you. It is hard for me. And I know it is not fair. It is not fair on you. It is not fair on Aaron or Erika either. But this is not fair for me either Walk. I do not want to be like this. I want to get better. And I know it feels like that is all I think about. And I would be lying if I said it was not sometimes. I just want to get better so badly. Do you think I want to hurt you? Because I do not. I want to give you the world on a silver platter, but I cannot do that if I get worse. I do not want to scare you Walker, but I must put my health first. If I start neglecting my health, it could get worse quickly, so quickly we would not even know it. And I’d rather be here for you than not.” Idina was whispering now. She did not even know if her son could hear her.

Eventually, the door creaked open. She looked up the see her son standing over her, distraught. He sank beside her and cuddled her. She pivoted in her seat, leaning against the door frame as she pulled Walker close. He rested against her chest and hugged her. She clung to him, rubbing his back as his bony shoulder dung into her ribcage and kissing the top of his head.

“Why did you have more kids?” he asked.

“It was a bit of a rash decision,” she admitted.

“Because you were sad before,” he mumbled into her shirt.

“Hm? Sorry baby I didn’t catch that.” Idina heard creaking o the stairs. She looked to see Aaron far back. She gave him the signal that it was fine, and she had it all under control and motioned for him to go back down to the basement. The triplets needed supervision. Walker did not notice.

“Am I a bad kid?”

“What? No, Walker, no,” she said. “You’re amazing and I love you so much. Why do think that honey?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, burning his face against her chest. “Your fat and comfy,” he mumbled again. “I like you more comfortable. You used to be bony.”

She hugged him. “You’re a good kid Walker and an amazing older brother. Soren and Zephie are so lucky to have you. So’s Cindy. I know you are going to be her big strong overprotective brother and not let Soren and Zeph do it. And I know we fight sometimes, but everyone fights. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“You and Erika don’t fight.”

“Anymore. And sweety, Erika's got a complicated relationship with people. She wants to stay here so she is not going to start a fight. Honestly, we could ask her to babysit the triplets twenty-four seven and she would do it. You are comfortable with Aaron and me. You know we're not going to send you away because you do not do the chores. We might ground you, but that is it. And Erika Knowles we will not send her away, but that does not stop the habit. And we did fight quite a lot for a while. We just kept it away from you.”

“But why would she want to stay somewhere if she had to do all the chores all the time?”

“Because it was the best choice. I do not get it either, honestly, but I cannot imagine thinking being a full-time live-in servant is my best choice. She would rather play it safe and risk something worse. And I do not think that is going to change anytime soon. She is always going to have her other homes and guardians in the back of her head, and she is always going to see the world through the lens of the orphan girl no one wants. All we can do is give her a support system and help her succeed in life. She has to figure some of this out for herself.”

“She nice though, I don’t see why no one wanted her.”

“Me neither baby.”

“Is it wrong to think we’re lucky? Because if she lived with people who liked her, she would not be my older sister, but I don’t want her to be sad either.”

“That’s empathy Pumpkin. But we cannot change the past. But we are lucky too. We're lucky for a lot of things,” Idina added.

“But why did you have more babies?” he asked again. “I know you just wanted one, but why did you want another one? Because I do not think you were happy at first. Especially when you said they might have died. I feel like they made you incredibly sad for a while too and I don’t get it.”

“Well,” she said, trying to rationalize it herself. She had, at the moment, wanted another child. She wanted to make Aaron happy because making him happy would make her happy. And she was aware of her biological clock. She still was not sure how she was going to deal with the fact that she could never have another child. There had been some panic involved. Not to mention she doubted she would have gotten pregnant. What were the chances of her age? No one had bothered to tell her that random increases infertility was a thing. Maybe it could have been cruel, would she have been leading Aaron on? No, he knew just how unlikely it was. She had told him that well before they got married that even if she did agree it would not happen. Maybe he just did not want to feel like he had given up and would have been more likely to accept it if nothing had happened. “Aaron wanted a baby,” she said. “And I was panicking a bit thinking I’d never have the chance too again. And with all the excitement about adopting Erika and expanding our family, it really loaded into that fear. And I am old Walk, I do not think either of us was seriously expecting I would get pregnant. Or at least not before we realized this might not be the best idea.”

“Why can’t you have more babies?”

“Unlike men women only have a set time. Once something called Menopause finishes, women cannot have babies anymore. But you also do not get periods, so there is that. It stars in people who are old like me. I kind of thought it might have already started but I guess not.”

“What about guys, when do we stop being able to have kids?”

“Never, you could have a kid when you’re ninety. Not that you should, but you could.”

“That’s not fair,” he replied. “What if you want another one once the triplets grow up a bit?”

Idina chuckled. “Kid, I’m not having another child,” she said.

“You’re saying that now,” he argued.

“Walker, no,” she said. “I’ve got five, I’m good.”

“What if Aaron wants another?”

“If he wants another more than he wants all of us he can go find someone else.”

“He won’t, right?”

“No, he won’t.”

“Are you sure?”

She could never be a hundred percent sure. Murphy's law. But all rationale said he was hers for life. “Yes Walk, I’m sure.”

“Do you hate dad?”

“No,” she said instantly.

“I do.”

“Walker!”

“But he hurt you,” the boy argued. “My dad wouldn’t hurt my mom. “Why don’t you hate him?”

“He's your dad.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Walk…”

“My dad wouldn’t hurt you,” the boy said, hiding his face in her chest again

“It’s complicated. I do not think when you have all those feelings, I had for him for that long that they ever truly go away. They fade, and they hurt less, and they become a distant memory, but they are still there. And we have you. You’re more important than any messy feelings.”

“So, you still love him?” he asked, repulsed.

“No,” she said. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him.”

“I don’t get it.”

“You will when you have kids,” she said. “You’ll want everything good for them no matter what it means for you and you’ll love them more than you’ve ever loved anyone in the world.” She kissed his brow.

“I love you a lot,” he said. “I don’t think there’s room to love anyone else more.”

“Aw, Walkie,” she sobbed, kissing his cheek. He wiped it off. “I love you, baby.” She pulled his head close to her breast and ran her fingers through his hair. Inhaling, she held him tightly, closing her eyes and pressing her cheek to his brow. Rocking them back and forth, she continued to stroke him, soothing herself in the process. “There will be,” she told him. “One day you’ll find that there’s more room in your heart than you ever imagined. It’ll just expand, and you’ll find that all the love you ever thought was too much and all love everyone more at that moment and it will be wonderful.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know it doesn’t sweety,” she said, “but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

“Where does dad fit?”

“Umm,” she mumbled. Her brain was occupied. Her perfect little boy was hers again and, in her arms, and she had been lost in her confusing tangent about confusing love and how much she loved this little boy. She continued to rock him. “Sorry Pumpkin, I got a bit distracted. What did you ask?”

“Is it your brain, are you okay?” he asked in a rush, pulling himself up to look her in the eyes.

She nodded. “I just wasn’t paying attention, sorry, Walk.”

“How does dad fit?” he asked again. “I still hate him for what he did to you.”

“Don’t hate him Walk, he’s your father.”

“That’s a stupid excuse. He _hurt_ you, mom. Do you get that? It’s his fault you can’t sleep properly and it’s his fault you need the drugs that are giving you seizures. It’s all his fault! And you don’t care because he’s my dad. I don’t want him to be my dad, mom. I don’t want someone who would hurt you to be my dad.”

“He was drunk-"

“No, stop making excuses! If it had been anyone else, they’d be in jail.”

“Walk, you can’t mean you want daddy in jail.”

“He's not my dad.”

“He is.”

“NO!”

“Walker…”

“NO!” he yelled, standing up and pressing himself against the opposite doorframe. His arms were crossed, and he was glaring down at his mother. “No,” he repeated. “Why don’t you see it?”

“Walk…”

“Stop making excesses! Stop acting like it never happened. It happened mom and it ruined your life and its ruining mine. Stop acting like its all okay because it is not.”

“Walker, stop,” she exclaimed, covering her head. She couldn’t hear this. She felt herself slowly retract into a ball as her hands raised over her head. Taye hadn’t meant to do this. He had been drunk; it wasn’t his fault. They could still make this work, make it work for Walker. They just needed time. She needed time.

“Mom? Mommy, mom, are you okay? Mommy!” Walker was shaking her violently. “Mom, I’m sorry,” he sobbed, hugging her. “I didn’t mean it, I’m not mad at you. Mommy? Please, mom, are you okay?”

Idina was unresponsive so he started yelling for Aaron.

_Idina, you’re such a screw-up. Look what you’re doing to Walker. You’re hurting him. You’re a terrible mother._

He was snotty-nosed crying as Aaron rushed up the stairs.

“I’m sorry,” Walker sobbed, hugging him. “I didn’t mean to, honest. I was just mad. I really didn’t mean too; I don’t want to make mom sad. I’m sorry Aaron. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you, Walk,” he said, rubbing the boy’s back with one hand and reaching out for his wife with the other. They needed to find something that worked soon. Or get Idina a different therapist. Or get her seeing Angelika more. They needed to do something and right now it felt like they were doing nothing.

He took hold of Idina’s wrist. “Hey there,” he said softly. Walker looked up at him with pleading brown eyes but refusing to glance towards his mother. They had to get Walker seeing a therapist more too. He needed to work out his feelings without unleashing them on his mother. While she’d always taken it before, she clearly couldn’t handle it now.

Idina was shaking, muttering “no" and “stop" over and over again. Her hands were firmly clamped over her ears.

He moved, ever conscious of his stepson, so that he was beside his wife. When she was calmer, but still not talking, he asked Walker what happened.

“I-I,” he stuttered

“It’s okay,” Aaron reassured, “take your time.”

“She just, I, I wanted to know why she doesn’t hate dad because dad did this and she’s just making excuses and it made me mad. I don’t want him to be my dad because he hurt mommy, but he is my dad and I don’t know…” Walker explained in one lone, jumbled ramble.

Aaron listened. Walker talked to him for a while. Idina fell asleep on his chest. Helen was watching the triplets, so he stayed there. He ran his hands through her lovely hair while he listened to her amazing son and tried to help him sort through his feelings. He was such a bright little boy and so innocent in all of this. He was collateral damage even though no one involved wanted him to be. No one involved wanted this to happen. But things don’t go the way one wants.

Walker reached over and stroked his mom's hair. “I didn’t mean too,” he said again. “I should have known, but I didn’t mean too.”

“Walk, this isn’t your fault. Any of it, ever.”

“You’re right, its my dad’s. I don’t even know why I call him my dad. I _hate_ him. I do and I’m not going to not say it. I hate him. This is his fault. I don’t care if he has a drinking problem, he almost killed mom. He could have killed the triplets. He could have messed up everything with Erika. He could have taken away everyone who loves me. I blame him.”

“Me too,” Aaron admitted, the weight of a million forced smiles rising off chis chest with those two words.

“Really?” His eyes lit in a way that almost made Aaron feel sick with guilt.

“Yeah, don’t you dare tell your mother?”

“I won’t. I’m glad it is not just me.”

“It’s not just you Walker.”

“Why doesn’t mom see it?”

“She does, it’s just, I think she can’t admit it. Your mom feels like to admit it is to admit that she failed or something like that. She loves you and studies show that having two parents it better and she’s so fixated on that its all she knows. That you need your mom and your dad.”

“Can someone else be my dad? I don’t want a dad that would hurt mom. I don’t want anyone who would hurt mom.”

“Walker,” Aaron said. “I want you to know that it one hundred percent okay to feel that way, all right?”

“Mhm,” he said, snuggling into Aaron’s shoulder with an arm reaching over to his mom.

“But I don’t think your mom sees it that way.”

“You can just use her name,” Walker mumbled. “I know she’s my mom, you can just use her name.”

“Okay, I don’t see Dee sees it the same way you do.”

“Why not?”

“She wants you to have everything perfect, so I think Dee's blocking it out because she thinks it will be better for you.”

“It is not.”

“There are a lot of studies that show children with two active parents who have a healthy relationship have a better chance at life than children who don’t. Your—Dee wants you to have all the best chances, even if that means having a relationship with Taye after what he did.”

“Is mom comfortable?”

“Hm?”

“She’s asleep. Is she comfortable like that or is she going to get pain in her neck?”

Aaron looked down. She was definitely going to have neck and lower back pain from the way she was leaning on him. He looped his arms under hers and pulled her onto his lap, resting her neck on his collarbone.

She mumbled something and curled up closer to him, her arm raising around his neck, but resting on his chest. Her pimps pursed as she mumbled something else unintelligible and sloppily tried to kiss his neck before her face went slack again.

Looking down at her, Aaron suddenly realized how hot she was. He’d been so caught up in his puppy love of the woman who’d given him children he had forgotten to some degree how bloody gorgeous she was. And she had lost a lot of weight. He could see it now. He needed to tell her how stunning she was when she woke up. Not that she hadn’t been before, just that she was now, and she was working towards a nice healthy body and he wanted her to know she was on the right track. He kissed her brow.

Walker smiled. “Mom really likes you,” he said, wrapping his mother in a hug. Aaron put and arm and him and Walker took his hand and interlocked their fingers. He rested his head on Idina. “Why's she always tired?”

“You know the babies don’t sleep like you and I do and she’s up all night caring for them. And her brain is still healing, which takes a lot of energy. And the medication makes her a bit drowsy too.”

“It’s still healing?” he asked excitedly. “Like she might get better?”

“Maybe,” he said. “It might not be that noticeable. I only know about how emotions work, not the grey matter that makes up our brains. I’m not that smart. I wish I were, and I wish j knew exactly what to do but I don’t. We have to trust that her doctors know what they are doing.”

“She hasn’t had any nightmares or memory loss, has she?”

“No.”

“So, it’s working?”

“In that regard, yes,” Aaron said. “I'm worried it is making her more anxious. And I’m worried it’s the reason she had a seizure. But Dee also going to have to figure out what’s easier for her. If she can find a way to manage her anxiety, then maybe these drugs are the best. If she can’t, then she needs something that won’t make her worried.”

“I really didn’t mean too,” Walker said again.

“Walk, it’s not your fault, okay buddy?” He was rubbing Idina comfortingly with his free hand and the other still wrapped around the boy. His gaze wandered down to her hair and he started playing with it. “Dee’s going to be fine,” he said. “It might not happen as fast as we want to too, but the end she will be.” He kissed the top of her head, stroking her cheek and upper arm. She moved a bit and mumbled something.

“It’s like she knows you’re there,” Walker said.

“She’s a pretty light sleeper now that the triplets have been born.”

“I still don’t want dad to be my daddy,” Walker said after a while. “And I don’t want mom to feel like she has to like him because he’s my dad.”

“Walk, those feeling are completely valid. I want you to know that. You have every right to feel that way. But Dee’s still having issues dealing with it. She loved and trusted Taye for a very long time, then he did this. When we started dating, she had trust issues. She still does and I think admitting this would shatter them. Dee’s still fragile. And I don’t think it helps that she also has a brain injury.”

“Thanks,” Walker said. “For talking to me like an adult. I know mommy wants to protect me, but I just want to understand what's going on. Is there a way we can help her?”

“We just need to keep doing what we’re doing,” he replied.

“Why can’t you be my daddy?”

“What?”

“If mommy wants someone to be my daddy you could because you’re here and dad’s not and you really love mom a lot and she loves you a lot.”

“Um, well, I’m,” he stuttered, shocked. “I think you’d have to talk to Idina about this.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to overstep,” he said. “Dee’s your mom, she’s the one who makes deacons like this. Not that I wouldn’t want too, please don’t think that. I don’t want Idina to feel like I’m going behind her back. It needs to be her decision.”

“Would it help her, because then she can think of you and not him and she likes thinking of you? She has a stupid dopey face when she thinks of you.”

“I know, it’s adorable.”

“It’s silly, but it means mom’s happy.”

They heard dog footsteps bolt up the stairs. The dog had woken up. Walker giggled as a Louie bounded towards them, running straight into them. Louie started kicking the dry tears of Idina's face, waking her. She giggled, trying haphazardly to get the dog off as she slowly grew aware of her surroundings. She hugged Walker tightly, kissing his as he giggled with Louie constantly barking and wagging his tail.

“Oh, Pumpkin, I love you so much,” she said.

“I love you too mommy,” he said.

Idina yawned.

“Maybe you should get a bit more sleep before we go to the doctors,” Aaron suggested.

“No,” Idina said through another yawn. Aaron started rubbing her back as she relaxed against him, Louie settling in her lap, his tail wagging faster than seemingly possible as everyone was petting him and giving him attention. “Who’s watching the triplets?”

“Your mom.”

“We need to thank her properly,” Idina muttered. “And we need a live-in nanny. We can’t deal with three of them when she goes back home.”

“We will,” he said.

* * *

Later that night Erika was home from work. Idina had all her tests done and they’d have the results in a few weeks. The triplets were drowsy, but not fussy. The had ordered rake out. No one felt like cooking. Idina was sprawled out on the couch, asleep, with Louie on her stomach with her head in Aaron’s lap. His hand is fingers tangled useless in her locks as he’d soothed her to sleep.

Erika was playing with Lucinda in the corner while Walker and Helen were across the room with the boys.

The doorbell rang and Louie jumped off the couch and scampered over, barking. Thankfully, none of the babies were tired enough to start bawling yet. Aaron was about to get nut Helen kept him down citing Idina, who was roused from the disturbance. He tried stroking her soothingly to see if she’d fall back asleep, but she was soon awake and groggy.

The smell of pizza wafted into the house and Idina's stomach growled, promoting both to giggle as she sat up, her hair messy.

“Good sleep?” he asked.

She nodded with a lopsided smile and kissed his cheek. “We'd make billions on a mattress and pillow line made from you,” she informed him. “Billions. We’d cure insomnia.”

He gave a slight chuckle and hugged her.

The fridge started humming. The power was back on for a little bit. Surging was no longer an issue and officials were saying the grid should be up and running in a few more days.

Helen brought them both a plate with an assortment of pizza slices stacked high.

“This is going to mess up my diet,” Idina lamented as she took a bite.

“Dee, I’m not kidding you look gorgeous. There’s already a visible difference. You can have some pizza, you deserve it.”

She smiled and took another bite, getting tomato sauce on her face. Aaron kicked his thumb and wiped it off. Then he leaned to kiss her. She tasted like toothpaste, pizza, and god he was craving her. She pulled him down on top of her and if Walker hadn’t said something he would have forgotten where they were. Red-faced, he sat up again, looking over to his wife who was equally as flushed and blushing. It just made her even cuter.

She curled up against him and they balanced the plate of pizza on their laps. Erika and Walker came to sit down beside them, and the triplets were placed in their respective cots.

The silence was broken when Idina’s cell started ringing. 


	77. Chapter 77

Aaron picked Idina’s phone up and handed it to her after viewing the caller ID. It was Carlyle.

“Hi,” Idina said. She leaned back onto Aaron and he was rubbing a calming circle on her upper thigh, bother arms around her waist.

“Hey Idina,” Carlyle said. “Is now a good time?”

“Good time for what?”

“A lot,” he said.

Idina stood up and walked to another room, stopping to grab a triplet before she went. Zephyr was sitting up and not looking like he was about to fall asleep, so she picked him. He shoved his fist in his mouth as she carried him. Aaron followed her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, picking Zephyr up and holding her to her chest for her. She smiled.

“Okay, what’s up?” she asked, one hand around her son. He gurgled something, his first still in his mouth, looking around wide-eyed. It had been a few weeks since he’d been upstairs, and he’d never been in this room before. She put the phone on speaker so that Aaron could hear after making sure none of the children were listening in.

“There’s a lot,” he said. “I’m sorry,” he continued.

“What’s going on?” Aaron asked, resting his chin on Idina’s shoulder as he rubbed Zephyr’s back. He wrapped one arm around Idina’s abdomen.

“Well, to begin with, Walker’s paternal grandparents have filed for visitation.”

“Fuck,” Idina said.

They both chuckled at her. Zephyr stared up at her with wide green eyes. Aaron cooed at him, tickling his cheek as Carlyle continued.

“They’ve got no leg to stand on,” he continued. “We have Mr. Diggs’s statements and the form you both signed saying you don’t want them to have visitation and we have Mr. Diggs’s proof that they hold hostile thoughts towards your other sons, so nothing is going to come of this.”

Idina snorted at “hostile thoughts”. That was putting it lightly.

“I recommended ignoring it. They’ll try and file for mitigation because they have nothing for a proper court case. And if they do, ignore it. Don’t give them anything that could be skewed as you might be considering reconsidering.”

“If it’s nothing why are you telling us?”

“So if you get anything in the mail, keep it, but don’t do anything about it. Keep it, because if it continues, you’ll have a case for a restraining order if they escalate.”

“It’s that all you wanted to say?”

“No,” he admitted.

Idina sighed and Aaron rubbed her stomach. They both looked down at their baby who was unaware of everything and slowly falling asleep. Aaron kissed his wife’s cheek. Their son yawned and nestled himself against his mother. She smiled and stroked his cheek with her thumb. They were doing okay.

“Okay, so what is it?” Idina asked, biting her lip. “it’s about Erika, right?”

“Yeah. It’s a mess. If you wanted to know why they were wanted custody; I’ve figured it out.”

“How much of a mess?” Aaron asked.

“So much of a mess I can’t even tell you. I’m drowning in paperwork here and foreign law.”

“Don’t worry, we know your rates and can cover it,” Idina assured him.

“If this weren’t so insanely insane, I’d offer to do anything past here pro-bono because these people are bloody assholes. I want to serve them a plate of cosmic justice, so I’m not going to charge you any extra rates. I just want the satisfaction of whipping their entitled asses in court.” 

“Please stop beating around the bush,” Idina said. “I’m not really ready to deal with that kind of anxiety right now and I’ve got the two-best stress relievers in the world with me.” Aaron squeezed her and kissed her neck.

“Right, sorry,” he said.

They stood there in silence while he explained everything. She kept on looking back to the door to make sure no one was listening in. The insanity did not begin to describe it.

“Can you repeat that?” Idina muttered after he finished. She couldn’t even place who was who. Her head was literally spinning. She couldn’t focus and she was so glad her husband had a hand on her son.

“Woah,” Aaron muttered as her legs gave out. “That might be enough standing for you,” he said. The testing hadn’t just been scanned. They’d done some seizure tests and she passed and the light flashing ones, as in she had a few full-blown seizures in the doctor’s office. She’d been so tired she’d passed out in the car and had barely registered when Aaron walked her back into the house. He was pressing Zephyr against her chest so at least she knew she didn’t have to worry about her baby boy.

Who was involved in all of this!

Aaron sat her down and placed the baby on her lap. She ran her fingers through her hair before picking him up again. Aaron crouched beside her and they went over everything with Carlyle again. She placed her son back on her chest. He was fully asleep now. This was the easiest bedtime they’d ever had. Idina would have to take notes and try and recreate it for everyone’s sanity.

“So what you’re telling me is she has a bunch of extended relatives in Spain who knew and did nothing because…”

“There was and is a tremendous finical gain.”

“Right, and they lose that if we legally adopt her.”

“Yes.”

“And it all goes to Zephyr?”

“I told you whoever wrote that will was incredibly misogynistic.”

“And that’s from her mom’s side?’

“Mhm, and the posers, Mika and Stella, are relatives on her father’s side who learnt of the trust.”

“I still can’t wrap my head around it.”

“I have enough paperwork to wrap around you,” he joked. “Maybe your whole house.”

“How much money is it?” Aaron asked.

“More than triple Idina’s net worth.”

She dropped her phone. The screen cracked.

“Are you still there?” Carlyle asked.

“Yes,” Idina said, her voice shaking. Aaron took Zephyr from her as her hands were trembling.

“And I’m being conservative.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I’m saying there’s buttload of money, more than even you have seen in your lifetime and due to some misogynistic great-great-grandfather who lived well past a hundred, half of it goes to her, theoretically a dowry of sorts and definitely with a lot of stipulations and conditions, and the other half to her youngest male relative, no strings attached. If you adopt her, that’s Zephyr. And the number I see doesn’t count for investments, interest, increase in property value or inflation. It’s the flat rate set aside almost a hundred years ago. I’m trying to get access to the full amount, but it’s not been easy.”

“Then who does it go too if we don’t?” Aaron asked.

“There are some legalities about her having to be properly looked after and since until you do, she’s a ward of the state, she’s not considered a part of the will. It would be split evenly between the youngest male heirs in every line.”

“And no one thought to try and adopt her and claim the money as their own?”

“Apparently no one knew of her existence. They knew about her sister, Elsa, but she was happily placed and adopted by the time they got to her and had no younger male siblings so as long as the hold date passed without her having any sons it would all go to them. And since she had no idea about it and no one was willing to admit they knew she was alive to the trustee in charge of the estate, it was highly unlikely she ever would have claimed it.”

“Oh my god,” Idina finally said. “How do the posers fit in exactly?”

“They saw the news and made the connections before anyone else did. Since Elija had not cut contact with his family they had enough documents and were able to obtain all of Erika’s legal information through the New York state. And since no one legally knew where the Riveras were there was nothing to refute them.”

“I think I’m going to throw up,” Idina muttered. There was so much bile running through her body. She needed to get it out. “Where did that amount of money come from?”

“Good investments, I think,” he offered. “Some relation to some noble Spanish lords or something for sure. I did mention this is almost a hundred years old, right? I don’t have the information to trace their family tree, but historically rich Spanish nobles or merchants for sure. Rivera was a name adopted about fifty years ago to distinguish some lines form the others. The “pure” line so it’s hard to trace back without the actual records as I’m not sure what I’m looking for.”

“Does that mean Erika’s a princess?” Walker asked, bounding into the room.

“What are doing?” Idina asked.

Walker looked straight at the phone and repeated his question.

“No, I don’t think so,” Carlyle said. “I think merchant’s more likely but I don’t have a history degree so I can’t tell you for certain they’re not decent from someone who cut ties from the family a few centuries ago and made a fortune on his own. Just that form what I’m seeing it’s highly unlikely. Not to mention that the immediate Spanish Royal Family are public figures.”

“Is there a chance they might get involved?” Aaron asked. “If her family’s as important as you think they might be?”

“No clue, that’s why I’ve been reading every Spanish law book I can find.”

“Walker,” Idina said, “can you go back to the living room please?”

“But I want to know what’s going on,” he whined. “But that would be so cool if Erika’s a princess.”

“Even if she was related to them, she probably wouldn’t be a princess,” Idina said. “There are a lot of laws and titles and who can and can’t have different titles.”

“Oh,” he said, sounding disappointed.

Idina looked over to the door to see if Erika was listening in. If she was, she was out of sight. Then she asked Walker if he could leave again and not listen in because this was private.

“Then why’s Zeph here?”

“He's asleep and won’t remember this tomorrow. Even if he did, he couldn’t tell anyone,” she said stroking her baby’s cheek the back of her index finger. “Please Walker?”

“Oh alright,” he huffed, bowing his head, and kicking his feet as he left the room. He loudly plopped down on the couch.

Idina turned back to the phone. “Sorry about that.”

“No worries,” Carlyle replied. “Sorry to dump this all over phone calls, but it couldn’t wait. I don’t want you to be surprised if some of them try and contact you. Right now their best course of action would be to delay you and Aaron adopting her for as long as possible, so I highly recommend we try and expedite the process if you still want to go through with it. I understand that type of money would create rifts between the triplets, and possibly with Walker too, and I’m not sure if you’ll be able to dance around the legalities and split it evenly. Or how much of it will actually go to either Erika or Zephyr if Erika marries a man or has male children. It is very possible that if Erika doesn’t marry in a certain period and has male children it could all go to Zephyr or all be void. And if she does, it could all be taken away from him. Not to mention there could be hidden conditions, such as say if she goes to university instead of putting the money towards a wedding it could all become void. Like I said, written by a misogynist a century ago.”

Idina swore again. This was a dumpster fire, only the whole city was on fire, not just the dumpster. Aaron massaged her shower with his free hand and gave her back the baby.

“if it was written about a hundred years ago, why does it matter now?”

“Apparently he wanted to be enacted his entire life after he died. He lived about a hundred and eighteen years and wrote to him when he was a hundred with all these stipulations. It’s coming into effect in five years.”

“Thanks for letting us know,” Aaron told Carlyle, “we will have some discussions at let you know what we want to do, in the meantime could you try and expedited Erika’s adoption?”

“Already have the paperwork filled out, it just needs your signatures. I’ll email them to you.”

“Thanks,” Idina said before they hung up. She took a few deep breaths, staring down at her kid. She had made Erika’s existence too public, and now her family knew, and they wanted to make sure they weren’t going to lose the money. And now that everyone involved knew about Erika, no one could sweep it under the rug and quietly let the fortune be split between then.

She’d done the math. The small sum split half/half would give Zephyr more money than she currently had. More than her net worth. How would that be fair on Lucinda and Soren? How would they feel about that? Should Idina and Aaron even change their saving habits? If Erika did something some guy a hundred years ago would not want her too it could all go away and if they plan for Zephyr to have the money and it does then they’d be scrambling to give him something. This was a mess.

They talked for a bit. Neither of them had any clue. But the best course of action was to continue saving and putting money away as if it did not exist, especially because there were a lot of people who were determined they did not get it. If it came through in the end, they would make sure the triplets knew that life’s not fair, but that it’s not Zephyr's fault. They’d do their best to damage control and to have them understand that this was an outside force undecided by them. And maybe once they got it, they could split it and give some to Walker too. No one knew for certain. All they knew was the massive fight this might cause in eighteen years wasn’t worth giving up their daughter to avoid it. What would that teach Erika? Not going through now, after everything, it would crush her. She trusted them. She sought comfort with them. She’d slipped up once and associated Aaron with dad. They couldn’t let her go.

They walked back onto the living room and Idina put her son in his cot. Walker was playing Wii since the power was on. Erika had apparently gone up to her room. She hadn’t been spying.

Idina went up to check on her.

“Do I want to know what happened?” she asked when Idina came in. She was laying on her bed with a game open on her phone 

“I’m not sure,” she admitted, sitting down beside her daughter. How do you tell someone that your entire biological family doesn’t want you to get adopted because they would lose out on a fortune?

“That bad?” Erika asked when Idina said nothing.

“I wouldn’t say bad, just, complicated.”

“Does it change anything?”

“We’re going to see if we can get the adoption expedited.”

“Um, okay, I don’t get it.”

“Because there are some people who want to stop it and if we get it done before they get their lawyers so that would be best.”

“Who, and why?” she asked, sitting up with a concerned look on her face.

“Can I, as your mother, decide not to tell you until we have it sorted out because that’s what’s best?”

“Do I get to be the annoyed grouchy teenage daughter?”

Idina hugged her. She felt the girl go stiff for a moment in shock. “Yeah,” Idina said. “You can be my grouchy daughter.” She squeezed the girl tightly, only tightening her grip when Erika hugged her back.

“Sure,” Erika said after a while, such a while that it took Idina a moment to remember that she was referring too.

Still holding her tightly, Idina said: “Just trust Aaron and I are doing what’s best, okay,” she said. “We’re going to get it all sorted out and everything will be fine. I don’t want you to worry about it. It’s not healthy.”

“Then you shouldn’t be worrying about it either.”

“I’m always going to worry about all five of you,” Idina said, finally pulling away. “And you can’t stop me.” Erika was biting her thumb knuckle. “I promise you don’t need to be worried,” Idina said. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but could you just trust that Aaron and I are doing everything we can and it’s all going to turn out alright? I don’t want you to feel weighed down by all of this. Have fun, be a kid. You’ve only got a few months left, so enjoy it.”

Erika smirked. “Okay,” she said while nodding.

“So,” Idina said, grabbing a pillow, “what’s going on in your life? How was work? When’s your driving test? What other nosey questions I need to be asking?”

“Um, nothing, boring, two weeks, and none?”

She sighed. “Though I’d get more conversation out of that.”

“You asked all the questions at once,” the teen pointed out.

“Right, you’re smart, you know that?”

“Sure,” she replied. “Uh, what other nosey mom stuff do I need to ask?” she joked. “Any cute people at work?”

“No!”

“That’s a yes then?”

“No,” she insisted. “Honest,” Erika said, giving the girl scout sign.

“Okay, I’ll drop it,” Idina conceded. “But if that’s so you can tell me, or Aaron. We’re not religious fanatics, we want you to be safe.”

“Oh. No,” Erika sighed, falling on her side, and hiding her face in her pillow.

Idina chuckled and rubbed her back. “I’m continuing because you’re almost an adult, so learn to deal with it,” she said.

“I'm hiding my face in the pillow,” Erika replied. “Like a child who can’t express her emotions.”

“And that’s your prerogative. Do you need me to tell you what that means?” she teased.

“No,” Erika said, chuckling a bit. She sat up, holding the pillow to her stomach, her face as red as a tomato.

Idina put her arm around her. “I was seventeen once. Honestly, I slept with my boyfriend in my parents’ bed, so I’m going to judge you for anything. I, well, we want you to be safe. That’s it. We keep condoms in the main bathroom and don’t count them so—"

“No,” she whined, falling over on the bed, and burying her face in the pillow again.

“And they’re in the back underneath the sink, in the mini drawer behind the straightening iron,” she continued. “And if you want to know anything or have any questions or want some tips—”

“Please stop, I get it.”

“Okay,” Idina said. “But—”

“No.”

“Alright fine. You shouldn’t be ashamed though. It’s normal.”

“Sure,” she said as she sat up again. She didn’t believe her. “Why are you bringing this up now?”

“I don’t know,” Idina admitted. “But I feel like I need to bring up sometime. I’m still trying to figure some of this out.”

“Me too,” Erika said. “You keep on telling me things are normal except you are the only people I’ve met who do it. I know more people who put mouse traps in the refrigerator than those who don’t. And not all of them was to make sure kids weren’t looking for food. Some of them were to catch literal mice.”

“If you’re still hungry I can get you something,” Idina offered. “I know food anxiety is a thing and as I’ve said before I don’t want you to be worried that you won’t be able to eat.”

“I know,” she replied. “I’m not hungry, the pizza was a lot.”

“Good,” Idina said. “And I know I say I’m your mom, but if that ever makes you uncomfortable, I’ll stop.”

“Theoretically you’ll have all the papers to prove it soon,” Erika said.

Idina was quiet for a second, trying to decipher it. She was starting to wonder if they did a group session with her therapist maybe she’d be more willing to open up a bit, but neither of them wanted to ask. The last thing they wanted was to make Gerda seem like she wasn’t a safe confidant because she was doing amazing work and both Erika and Walker trusted her,

“Yes, soon I will,” Idina replied. “So if you ever pull that ‘you’re not my real mom’ crap I’m going to show them all to you.”

“You said a bad word,” Erika teased.

“I’ll say all the fucking shit words I want,” she replied. They both snorted. “You can too, just not around Walker, he might have a fit. And not at school, because you might get in trouble. Uh, so maybe on second thought when you’re on your own and a legal adult you can use all the swears you want.”

Erika rested her head on Idina’s shoulder, and they sat there in silence for a while. Now, Idina liked the silence. It wasn’t awkward or made her feel like she was doing nothing. It was just the two of them coexisting peacefully in the same space, comfortable in the other’s presence. She wrapped her arms around Erika and held her.

“I’m never letting you go,” she said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m selfish and you’re mine now.”

Erika chuckled again. “I can’t believe you say half the things you say,” she said.

“I’m Idina Menzel.”

“That’s dumb.”

“I can say whatever I want. I if I want to make a point using my selfishness I will,” she said, pulling her closer and muttering mine. “My precious,” she teased in her best Gollum voice.

“That was awful!” Erika exclaimed. “Truly awful.”

Idina was chuckling a bit too. “I think you’re right,” she admitted.

Erika hugged her back. “I really like you. And Aaron. I really like you both.”

“I really like you too,” Idina said. “We all do. I’m very glad you joined our family. We’re more complete with you here and I’m going to miss you when you go off to college.”

“I think I’ll miss you too,” Erika said quietly. “I think you’re right.”

“About what?”

“In the hotel,” she said, “I guess our first night, on the balcony you said that something about never really knowing what you have until it’s gone. But I think ‘you never really know what you have until it might be taken away’ works just as well.”

Idina felt tears rising in her eyes. She gave Erika a proper hug. “I’m going to everything I can to make sure you don’t get taken away. And I want you to know once you turn eighteen you legally don’t have to stay with anyone. It won’t come to that. I don’t see how it would, but it some alternate reality we’ll be waiting for you on your birthday, girl scout’s honour.”

Erika hugged her back, burying her face in the crook of her neck. They pulled apart, but Erika was still resting her head on Idina’s shoulder.

“What did you think when we first met?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“The very first day, with the officers, what did you think of me?”

“Honestly, I was a bit preoccupied. You seemed very nice and caring and a hard worker. I could tell something was off before you said it and I thought you were a lot younger than you were. And um, I’ll admit I felt sorry for you and sorry that I might have been messing up your plans and that you didn’t deserve any of that. And I still feel a bit sick that I went through with giving Lily that reward. I’m so sorry about that, I should have stood up for you then. It was stupid.”

“I don’t care. It was stupid. The whole reward thing, not you going through with it. And technically you did what I asked so I can’t be mad at the outcome.”

“I guess so,” Idina said. She had ever thought of it like that. “What did you think of me, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Um,” she said, then she was silent for a moment. Idina could almost hear her thinking. “I was worried that you’d blow everything and make things worse. You kind of blew everything up, but I don’t think you made it worse. And um, if I take off the angry orphan goggles you were just very nice, and um, I think probably the nicest person I’d ever met and you had no reason to be and I wasn’t entirely sure you were a real living person.” She paused again. “And when I said my name and you repeated it you said it as it mattered and no one had ever done that before besides my sister and that’s what I think about most now.”

“You do matter,” Idina said. “This is going to sound corny, but scientifically, the matter has mass, and it takes up space. You have mass and you take up space therefore you matter.”

“That’s extremely corny,” Erika snorted. “Thanks,” she said, closing her eyes and leaning in, a light smile on her lips.

Idina was grinning from ear to ear. It wasn’t a dumb contest between her and Aaron anymore for silly points. It was serious now and she felt giddy and high. She was drunk on love. They had won, together, not her versus him. And they would keep on winning.

“I love you,” Idina said, kissing the top of her head.

“You too,” Erika said. It was the closest she ever got. But was more than Idina had ever hoped and it meant more than Erika knew. “I wish you could have met my sister; I think you two would have liked each other.”

“Me too honey,” Idina said.

“You know nothing about her,” Erika said, but it wasn’t accusatory. Just a fact.

“She liked you and you liked her and that’s enough for me,” Idina said, “and since you think we would have liked each other I’m pretty sure we would have.”

“She was very outgoing too, like you, and said a lot of dumb stuff as you do. And the had the same ‘woe is me, everything about me’ persona that you have. She had a vendetta against singers but I’m not really sure what that was about, and it was probably an edgy teenager thing. She had half her hair dyed black the other half bleached platinum blonde and kept it in a bob with the ends magenta on the platinum blonde side and electric blue on the black side. I don’t know how her hair hadn’t fallen out of the head. She also had a lot of piercings. And she always seemed to know exactly what she wanted. She had this book that was her life plan from when she was eight and she was making every bullet point come true in the exact order. Good school, reconnect with family, a full scholarship to an elite foreign university I can’t pronounce, an extremely specific job that she lined up to enter as soon as she graduated. There was more too, and she even had the exact years it was all going to happen.”

Idina listened, absolutely fascinated by the woman who was taken so cruelly from the world at such a young age. They’d met at a cheerleading competition (apparently Erika had spent some time with a family who was hoping she’d be some sort of athletic star and eventually gave up when varsity cheer wasn’t as lucrative as they’d thought). That must have been why Erika was so opposed to the idea. The resemblance had been too hard not to notice and Elsa had spent weeks trying to contact Erika with her parents' help. Arwen was technically Elsa’s friend. She was a couple of grades above Erika, but they shared a few classes because of the way the school had been set up.

They would have gotten along. Elsa was just the type of girl Idina loved working with. Creative and driven and to some extent a reflection of her younger self. The two of them would have either been thick as thieves or bitter rivals in high school. Maybe the type of friends who had to get into a fistfight first, either with each other or to protect their baby sisters.

She rubbed her daughter’s back as she listened, not saying anything. Erika just needed to let it all out, and she was.

“I’m so sorry that happened,” Idina said. Her cheeks were damp. She was. “And I know there’s nothing I can do to make up for it.”

“Thanks,” Erika said. “I feel like you mean it.”

“I do,” Idina replied, squeezing her comfortingly. “And I’m so glad you trusted me.” She did not say anything else lest she says the wrong thing. The last thing she wanted to do now was to say something stupid and give Erika the wrong impression.

Idina yawned.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you up,” Erika said.

“That’s fine,” Idina said through another yawn. “I’d rather be tired than you not be looked after. And it’s not that late.”

“But the seizure tests made you tired. You were practically a zombie when Aaron brought you home and fell asleep instantly.”

“I’m a lot better now,” Idina said, “but it is getting late and you do need sleep. I might be on maternity leave, but you’re not.”

Erika smiled. “Goodnight,” she said.

“Goodnight,” Idina echoed as she stood up and left the room.

She when downstairs to check on the babies. Aaron had set up the monitor down there so that they did not have to move them now that they were fast asleep. She turned off a few lingering lights before going to join her husband.

“You were gone for a while,” he said.

“Yeah,” Idina replied. “I have a strong feeling Erika’s going to be alright,” she informed him. “I think she is now.”

He raised an eyebrow and pulled her close. She told him everything, though leaving out the details in case Erika did not want them shared. How she really liked them all, how she knew she had something when the posers first sued and she was worried she’d miss them, and the fact that she had opened up about her sister. Not to mention how she had said ‘home.’

She was at home.

Idina could practically feel Aaron’s smile growing even though she couldn’t see his face. He kissed her temple.

“You did it,” he said, “I’m so proud of you.”

“We did it,” Idina replied. “And she did as well. We all did.”

And they ha. Erika was still nervous around them but in a new way. A way they could work with, a way they wanted. A good way.

Nothing anyone could do would ruin their family. Not now.


	78. Chapter 78

_n/a: found some motivation somewhere to get my homework done earlier and now I have more time to write_ 😊

The power was back on, but their security system was fried and needed to be reset. Some of the cameras were having a sick day while their alarm started sounding non-stop and they had to unplug it. It kept Idina on edge. She knew of many stories of people trying to break into houses and she had three two-month-olds. At least they had their first vaccinations and Idina was slightly calmer about taking them outside now that the heatwave was over.

She needed a mental break right now. Her test results were in. Epilepsy confirmed, cause not yet known. It could be the pink pills; it could be her injections. It could be both or her brain injury or some combination of all three. She was taken off the pink pills as a precaution. They wanted her off them if she needed epilepsy medication.

She had epilepsy.

And she was still coming to terms with it.

The pool was finally getting more use. They had the triplets in floaty swimsuits and took them into the water for the first time. Her mom was in the pool and their sitter, Jane, who was going to moving in with them in a few weeks. The triplets looked so cute. She held Soren in the water, and he hit the surface repeatedly, laughing as he did so. She smiled and turned him into an airplane.

“Oh no, splash landing!” she called out as she skimmed his toes in the water. He shrieked in reply. “Raww, Airplane Soren’s now the SS Soren.”

“Ssssaah,” Soren gurgled, kicking the surface. He swatted at her face and knocked the sunglasses off her face.

She asked Walker to fetch them from the bottom. He did so, but not without tickling her legs. She chuckled, kicking at his feet as he clumsily put them back on her face. Aaron was laughing at them. He was holding Lucinda parallel with the water and she was slashing it and herself with her four limbs and a huge grin under her floppy sunhat. All three of them had floppy sunhats and full-body swimsuits. Idina wanted to wait another month or two until she started lathering them in sunscreen.

Idina stared at her daughter for a moment. If she figured out how to keep her head up, with the floaties she might make a good swimmer. Soren started demanding her attention again by swatting at her head and she blew a raspberry on his stomach. She lowered herself down and blew some bubbles in the water. He squealed and started pursuing his lips like she was.

Lucinda and Zephyr were squealing and giggling too as the other adults played with them. Jane was so good with them and the triplets like her, but as far as Idina could tell they didn’t think she was their mother. She and Helen were entertaining Zephyr who wasn’t as entranced with just the water as his siblings. It had lasted for a few minutes, but he seemed to think he had it all figured out now and was bored. He kept on looking up to the sky and reaching out for it, enough so that Idina wanted him in the shade if not inside. He was squinting in the sun, so it did not seem to be a sight issue.

Louie barked from the edge of the pool, tail wagging. Erika was sitting on the side of her Kindle, legs in the water. She wasn’t the keenest on swimming, but she got her own enjoyment from the poolside. Walker swam over and pet Louie. The dog looked like he was about to jump in. They had a saltwater pool and did not want that happening. Erika took a hold of his collar in case he tried to. She got up and led him to his doggy pool that would need a good washing soon.

After about an hour everyone was tired, adults, children, and babies alike. Carrying both Soren and Zephyr, Idina left the closed in the pool area and was started when someone called out her name.

She looked up to find paparazzi on the other side of the fence pushing their cameras through the shrubberies. How had they gotten there? That fence bordered with her neighbours for the most part.

The cameras started flashing and she turned away as her boys started crying. The noise alerted everyone else who quickly came out of the pool area. Helen and Jane took to the boys from her and Aaron used his body to shield her from the cameras. He knew she would not like these photos of her in a swimsuit circulated right now. If there were none of them in circulation, they would not have to deal with the added legalities of getting this invasion of privacy taken down.

Suddenly, the world felt like it stopped. She was trapped in her body and she couldn’t move. The world started tipping, turning sideways and her entire body seized. Walker started yelling and made a beeline for the fence, but Erika stopped him and gave him the corner of a picnic blanket. They held it up in front of Idina and Aaron came into her vision, saying something she couldn’t hear.

Then, she finally closed her eyes, and it was over.

“Dee, baby?” Aaron said. She felt him stroke her cheek, but she kept her eyes shut. ”Let’s get you inside.”

He helped her to her feet, but her legs didn’t want to move. Her head was pounding as she’d just pulled two back to back all-nighters without a drop of coffee. And every muscle in her body hurt as if she’d ran a marathon without training. Then she was in the air. She pressed her cheek against Aaron’s chest, trying to center herself as he carried her inside.

She was asleep by the time he set her down on the couch. And she was still wet. Aaron and Helen dried her best they could, then Helen went to help Jane put the triplets down.

“Is mommy okay?” Walker asked. Both he and Erika looked grim.

“Yeah,” Aaron said, “Dee’s just tired now. She needs to sleep for a bit then she’ll be alright.”

“Can you take her to her bed?” Walker asked. “Mom would be more comfortable in her bed but she’s all wet…” he went on.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Aaron assured him. “And you two munchkins are wet too. Get changed, I’ll take care of Idina. Oh, and that was smart with the blanket,” he added as they went to the stairwell.

“Thanks,” Erika said as she disappeared.

Aaron carried his wife upstairs and laid her down on their bed. She instantly looked more comfortable with the sheets and pillows that she had on the couch. But she was still quite wet so her comfort wouldn’t last long, and she was a light sleeper now and he knew once she got up, she wouldn’t want to go back to bed.

Luckily, while Idina only ever used the one clip on the back, the swimsuit also had clips on the straps and slipped off easily. Then he dressed her in sweater and sweatpants, so she wasn’t cold, then untangled her hair and put some conditioner in so it wouldn’t be an unruly mess when she woke up.

When he was finished, Walker came into the room. He gave Aaron and a big hug, then snuggled up close to him mom, burying his face in the back of her shoulder and putting an arm around her waist. Idina's thumb started stroking his hand, making them both smile. She was clearly asleep, her features limp and her mouth half-open. Aaron kissed both of them on the forehead and went to leave the room, but Walker told him to stay.

* * *

When Idina woke up, she heard the familiar sound of her son and husband talking in a hushed whisper. She could feel Walker’s bony arm wrapped around her midsection, his small hand in hers. She did her best not to move, to keep her breathing steady. Why did the best things happen when she was asleep? Why couldn’t her little boy snuggle her more when she was awake and able to enjoy it?

Idina tried to recreate the nothingness that sleeps brought while still listening to them. She knew it would all be over the second Walker sensed she was awake. Aaron might let it slide and not alert him unless he was seriously concerned about her, which he most definitely was. This man absolutely adored her, and she’d just had a seizure in front of him for the first time.

Walker was rubbing her arm. “Mom’s okay, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, Walk,” Aaron said. “I promise.”

“That was really scary,” he said. He hugged her tighter and she had to resist the urge to cuddle and comfort him. She felt him rubbing the fabric of her shirt. Hadn’t she been in her swimsuit? Aaron must have changed her. “How did they get to the fence?” Walker asked. “Can they get in the yard?”

“I’m not sure,” Aaron replied, “but we’ll figure it out.” She felt him tug at her hair a bit, probably running his hands through it. He ran his fingers across her scalp, and she felt a wave of calm wash over her.

They continued talking and Idina felt herself grow drowsy again. Walker talked a lot, mostly about videogames and basketball. He was worried Idina couldn’t see him play anymore. He didn’t want her to come if she might have a seizure. He was getting almost as protective as Aaron. Together they might mandate she never leave the house again. Her boy was squished against her so tightly she could feel him breathing.

“Is there anything I can do to make mom’s brain better?”

“Walk, I promise everything you’re doing is more than enough, okay?” Aaron said. “It’s not your job to help her.”

“But I want too,” he whined.

“You are,” Aaron reassured.

“I love you, mommy,” he whispered, pulling himself up so that he was speaking into her ear. He removed his arm from around her waist, and she shivered as the cool air met her skin. He stroked her check a bit before noticing, then he covered her with another blanket before curling up back underneath. “Aaron?” Walker said.

“Yes,” he replied. Idina could feel how close they both were to her.

“Do you really love mom?”

“Yes Walker,” Aaron replied.

“You’re not going to leave us, right?”

“No, I won’t. You’re stuck with me.”

“Then you should be my dad because it will make mom better.”

“Walk… we’ve discussed this, your mom…”

“I know but my dad’s not here, and you are, and mom loves you and you love us. And you’re _here_.”

He continued and Idina could feel tears forming in her eyes. She’d failed as a mother and as a wife. Her son hated his father. She hadn’t been strong enough. She’d destroyed his family. This was worse, she should have stayed with Taye. She had not been teaching him he deserved someone who treated him like Taye treated her, she was showing him how to give up. She should have put the fires out instead of running away and letting them burn the house down. The lyrics to _Perfect Story_ were reeling in her head, only she was changing them as she went.

_When London bridge came falling down, I saw you through the flames_

_And for a second I convinced myself, it's better if I left_

_But what would you have thought of me If you've watched us leave_

_Would you grow up and think a bridge on fire wasn’t worth the pain_

_I'm so sorry_

_I tried give you the perfect story_

_A textbook happy ending_

_Now everybody here is hurt_

“Dee!” Aaron exclaimed when she couldn’t hide her sobs.

“Mom!” Walker exclaimed. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it,” he said.

Aaron got her sitting up and held her tightly in a hug. Walker bear-hugged her, repeating over and over again how sorry he was. Which made it worse. He shouldn’t have to apologize for hating the person who beat her up. He shouldn’t have to hate his father. Now he was doing both because she couldn’t hold it together.

“It’s not your fault,” she sobbed, barely able to get the words out without heaving and her throat catching.

“I’m sorry mom,” Walker sobbed.

“It’s not your fault baby,” she croaked out again, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her face into Aaron’s chest to try and muffle her sobs.

This was worse. This was affecting him more than the fighting. She should have stayed with Taye, shown Walker what to look for in a wife, let her and Taye lecture him on their faults and how not to treat his wife. Teach him about highs and lows and how to get through them. Instead, she ran away and tried to act like it was normal, but she eventually stretched it too far and everything was broken. Nothing of this would have happened if she had stayed. They could have worked it out. The ending would be better.

She was a horrible mother. There was no way she could raise three more children without messing them up. They had been so selfish not to terminate her pregnancy. Now those three innocent little babies would suffer for the rest of their lives. All because of her.

“Hey, boys, do you—” Helen was cut off by the sight of her daughter having a breakdown in her husband’s arms. She came over, crawling on the bed. “Hey, Dee, honey, it’s okay,” Helen said, brushing her matted hair out of her face.

She looked over to her grandson. “Can you do something?” he asked, his eyes wide and scared.

“Why don’t you get your mom a glass of water?” she said.

Walker nodded timidly but left the room. Idina started crying harder, clinging to Aaron, and hiding her face in his grey shirt.

“Dee, honey,” she said. “It’s okay baby,” she repeated, rubbing Idina’s back. Aaron was rocking her back and forth.

“No, no it’s not,” Idina sobbed.

They both pressed themselves against her and held her until she gained a bit more control. The looked exhausted, her face with bright blotches and dark circles under her eyes. Idina was wavering between silently shaking and gulping sobs.

Walker came back with a glass of water. She drank it, using it to regulate her breathing. Then she pulled Walker onto her lap and apologized over and over and over again, hoping the words would somehow make it better.

Aaron offered her some melatonin, claiming if she slept a bit more, she might feel better. She took it because she wanted it over. But she didn’t want to medicate herself into feeling better anymore. She wanted, no, she was craving it. She was craving _being_ better. Being in control. Being there.

She slipped off into a fitful sleep surrounded by people who loved her, feeling like there was no one in the world who should.

* * *

The next few days were living hell. The pictures had gotten out and the entire internet was commenting on her post-partum belly fat. All her friends and DMed her telling her to ignore it and reminding her how far she’s come in the past few months. A few went on angry rants on their social media.

Aaron told her she needed to see Angelika more or see someone else. He begged her to come to terms with what happened. With Taye beating the living daylights out of her. He said she needed to hear it, say it, and process it. It was two sides of the same coin. The mand she had loved and the drunkard who has assaulted her.

But talking about it, working through the issues, any of it brought the nightmares back. And she was already and a messed-up baby sleep schedule. Now she couldn’t close her eyes without seeing the faces and the blood, her blood. But she never told Aaron that. Then he would be even more worried about her.

Angelika was recommending she start the process of coming off her medication if she could not deal with the spike in her anxiety. Her brain scans have shown that area of her brain was overly stimulated when compared to her former ones. And she was having issues handling it since… since Taye had… since IT happened. It had messed up her ability to mitigate her anxiety initially mixed with all her pregnancy hormones, and now her meds were making her anxiety work.

Aaron made her deal if she saw Angelika more and made some progress, she could stay on the meds. Angelika agreed. And this just made her feel like more of a burden because someone had to drive her to all of these appointments.

Erika offered all the time, saying she wanted more practice before her test. Then she’d sit in the lobby and read. Idina sometimes wondered if she just wanted to spend more time together, which made her worried that she wasn’t spending enough time with her.

The triplets required so much energy as they were getting bigger. Idina had no idea where they got it all from. There was no way to be that active eating the amount of food they were. But they were chubby and happy and clearly not underfed.

At least she still got to curl up with Aaron when the triplets were asleep. And today was the perfect day. Walker was at an extended practice. Helen had taken him. Erika was working. The triplets were asleep. Aaron was too, but she got to lay here and feel the rise and fall of his chest. His arms around her made her feel safe while she was awake. She was getting better a dozing, but not falling asleep, or just taking naps too short to get lost in her fearscapes.

She emptied her brain and dozed off. Before she knew it, she felt Walker crawling in with them.

“Hey Pumpkin,” she mumbled, moving over a bit to give him some room between the three of them.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” he asked.

“I am baby,” she said. “How was practice?”

“We had to do suicides and the beep test,” he groaned. “It was like gym class all over again. We didn’t do any drills or anything like that.”

“Oh no,” she exclaimed in a whisper.

“I’m a lot better though!”

“That’s so good Walkie, I’m so proud of my little man.”

“Yeah, I’m really good,” he said. She could hear the smile on his face as he spoke.

“When’s your next game?” she asked.

“You know it,” he said. “You wrote in on the calendar and highlighted it and draw hearts over it all the time,” he complained.

“So? Tell me about the date.”

“Ugh, fine. It’s two days after Erika’s driving test,” he reminded her.

She kissed his forehead. “I love you,” she said.

“You need to go to sleep,” he told her.

“God, you’re like a mini Aaron,” she mumbled,

“But he’s right,” Walker pointed out. “And we both want you to get better.”

“Me too baby,” she said, kissing one of his little hands. “I’m trying.”

“I know mom,” he said. “I can see it. And I know it’s hard, but I think you’re doing a really good job.”

“Thanks, Walker, that means a lot.”

“Is it hard?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess it’s hard. It’s very hard sometimes.”

“Is it because your brain isn’t working right, but it kind of needs to be working right to do all the things you need to do to get it working right?”

“Yeah, I think it’s something like that,” she said through a yawn.

“Healing’s better when you sleep,” Walker informed her. “I want to go make food with Grandma, but I’ll stay until you sleep.”

“Go make food with Grandma,” she told him. “I’ve gotten all my snuggles and if I need more, I can snuggle Aaron.”

“I’m glad you married Aaron; he makes you so happy. I like it when you’re happy.”

“Aw, Walk, me too. I’m so glad you’re glad. Now make a really nice supper with Grandma. You need to learn how to cook or you’ll end up like me.”

“Your dinosaur pancakes are good when they’re not burnt,” he pointed out.

“And they come from a sugar-filled box and aren’t like Aaron’s scratch pancakes.”

“Those are good too,” Walker admitted. “Really good with the berries,” he added, “but I like your chocolate ones more.”

“But his berries and chocolate ones win all the prizes.”

“Mhmm,” Walker agreed.

“So you’d better learn how to cook so that you can make even better pancakes for your kids.”

“I want kids,” he said. “But I’m going to let them eat candy and stay up late.”

“Sure Walk,” she said with a chuckle. “When you’re an adult you can make that choice.”

“Uhun. Now I’m going to make food with Grandma. ‘Cause I want to make food for kids one day. But I won’t do pancakes, that way you and Aaron can make the best Grandma and Grandpa pancakes.” He kissed her on the forehead and left the room before she had a chance to say anything else.

She smiled, feeling a bit better. She pulled herself on top of Aaron and decided now might be an okay time to try sleeping.

She was, of course, wrong.

* * *

The medication was still plunging her sex drive into override. On the day of Erika’s driving test, she felt like she couldn’t even look at Aaron without trying to rip his shirt off. And then she’d look at his shirt, and those abs, and his abdomen. He was so hot, and the baby faced cleanly shaven. If someone had told her having a baby would make Aaron cuter, she might have had one with him sooner.

While Erika was doing her test, she and Aaron were finalizing the adoption and getting the court date. It was more a formality. They would be asked if they wanted Erika as their daughter, and Erika would be asked if she wanted them to be her parents. They’d all say yes, sign a non-legal certificate and get a picture done with a family law judge.

Her leg bounced uncontrollably under the table as they went through everything with Carlyle, singing every line. Erika’s relatives hadn’t been able to do anything so far, and she and Aaron said they’d be willing to come to a solution about Erika’s inheritance of they didn’t.

They eventually had to spill the beans and the girl told them they could do whatever it took to get them gone. And besides, Idina wanted to be the one to provide for her children. There were no updates on the situation though and they did have five years to sort something out, however, any bargaining would be over as soon as they adopted Erika. If these people decided to be jerks, they could just stop cooperating.

“Have you been sleeping?” Carlyle asked Idina when he saw her.

“I have three babies,” she reminded him.

“Yeah, and Aaron looks like he has three babies. You look like you’ve been through a warzone.”

“I’m older,” she huffed. “Maybe it’s my age showing.”

“Calm down Dee,” Aaron said, “there’ no need to be on edge.”

“Right, sorry,” she mumbled, turning back to the paper. He handed her some coffee. The buzz took longer than usual to kick in and it wasn’t as strong as it used to be. She couldn’t feel her eyes opening the way she had before. It just made them feel less heavy.

“When’s that nanny moving in?” Carlyle asked, making small talk as they went about their business.

“A week, about,” Aaron replied.

“You two need it.”

“Don’t we ever,” Idina said. “I can’t drive. She’ll have to drive them to the pediatrician when Aaron’s out. We’ve figured Erika could drive Walker to his games and stuff when she’s free, but we know we can’t rely on her all the time.”

“The two of you are amazing parents,” he said. “I’m so glad we’ve met. I’ve been more confident about a placement in all my time practicing family law. Almost everyone you meet you have some doubts here and there, especially after all the shit I’ve seen, but you two are just to effortlessly real.”

“You sound like a woke teenager,” Idina pointed out. “Effortlessly real.”

“I mean it unironically.”

“Oh just shut up,” she teased, reaching over to his little candy bowl, and grabbing a lollipop. Then she shoved a few more in her pocket for her mother, about to be live-in nanny, and her the two children old enough not to choke on them.

~

They went to pick up Erika when all the paperwork was done. They texted her they were going to be running late, but neither of them had expected to be this late.

“Hey, so sorry,” Idina said, flying into the room and giving her daughter a hug. “There were a lot more papers than anyone thought.”

“It’s fine,” Erika said, hugging her back. She turned to Aaron and smiled, hugging him as well.

“So, did it go well?” he asked, lifting her off her feet in a bear hug.

“Kind of,” she replied as he set her down.

“What does ‘kind of’ mean?” Idina asked.

Erika handed her a piece of paper. She had passed, but they were holding her licence until she got her eyes checked out. Apparently, they seemed to think she might need glasses.

“Do you think you need glasses?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Erika replied. “Things looked they way they always have, but I couldn’t read signs that were really far away that the examiner said I should be able too.”

“Well, I guess we’ll have to get you in to see an optometrist,” Aaron said, patting her back and leading them out. “Good job on passing kid,” he said. “You get to choose supper tonight, anything you want.”

“Anything?” she echoed with a raised eyebrow.

“Anything,” he confirmed.

“Like a candy buffet?” she asked.

“Do you _want_ that?” Idina asked in shock.

“Yes or no?” she replied.

“Um, I mean if you do, then we promised…” Idina stuttered.

Erika started laughing. “I just wanted to see if you really meant everything. Actually just take out is fine.”

“Did Walker goad you into this?” Aaron accused playfully.

“No,” she said. “Maybe I want A&W.” Walker wasn’t the biggest A&W fan, but Erika was.

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then we will stop along away.”

Erika got into the back of the van. They had finally gotten around to getting a new one since three car seats did not fit in the back of a car. Idina called the house to get Walker’s and Helen’s orders and soon the car was filled with delicious smelling chicken, burgers, and soft drinks.

Walker was fine in the end. He drank his root beer first, and eventually wolfed down the hamburger. Then he wolfed down a second one and asked Idina for her leftovers. He did not have as big a problem as he made it out to be. Or maybe he was just growing. Idina hadn’t measured him against the pantry door in a while. She was a bit scared too. She never wanted her little boy to go away. They had brought it up with Erika again, who had agreed on the adoption day they’d do it. Symbolism and stuff. Idina wasn’t waiting until then to smother her like she did Walker, however. She could not wait that long.

Near midnight, after putting the triplets down for what would hopefully be a good portion of the night, Idina felt her urges coming back. Not to mention Aaron wasn’t wearing a shirt. It was not helping.

Her brain started reeling, trying to figure out how exactly she could get everything she wanted. She could argue the dopamine and other chemical reactions might help her brain. It might relieve some of her stress. It would certainly make her happy.

His arms twisted around her waist from behind and he pulled her against him. He started kissing her neck and she froze for a moment, suddenly shocked, then melted into it, closing her eyes, and cocking her head to give him the best access. She took his hands and moved them under her nightgown and across her skin.

Then he stopped and just held her.

“Babe?” she asked, trying not to let her voice tremble.

“What?” he asked.

“Why’d you stop?”

“Hm?”

“Uh, what were you doing?”

“Just kissing you.”

“That’s it?”

“Um, yes, why, what’s wrong Chickadee?” He was swaying back and forth.

She turned around, still trapped by the arms around her waist, and put her hands on his chest. They continued swaying, slowly morphing into a slow dance, and even slower becoming a slow waltz of sorts, with Idina standing on his feet hoping she remembered the steps and trying to remember to let him lead. He spun her around and she giggled. She hooked her wrists around his neck then kissed him. Really kissed him. In a way that made him go: “Oh sweet Jesus Idina” and stumble over his own feet.

He swore again as they fell onto the bed. Good, she wanted to swear too. Her entire body was alive and tingling. She had a strong feeling she’d be too preoccupied to have bad dreams tonight.


	79. Chapter 79

Idina's phone buzzed. She was on a walk with her family. The triplets were on their custom stroller, completely enthralled with the world them. Louie's leash was loosely around Erika's wrist. She had a hand on the stroller too while Walker was ahead, running up and down a few side streets to get stuff in Pokémon Go. Aaron hand a strong arm around her waist and a hand on the stroller too. Her mom was at the house. She’d kicked them all out and decided she wanted to clean. One of their security guards, Manuel, was trailing a few feet behind them in casual wear. After the breach in their fence, Idina was making more use of them. Josh was at home with her mother.

She took her phone out of her pocket and checked it. It was a text from Taye. Oddly enough, she didn’t react, processing it as if she had received a text from anyone.

_I saw the news are you okay? Is Walk OK?_

Her brow furrowed. _What news?_ She asked him.

 _Seizure,_ he replied.

Oh.

 _I’m fine,_ she replied.

_Walk?_

_He’s okay too? He doesn’t have epilepsy. It’s not genetic if that’s what ur wondering._

_I wasn’t. Not genetic? Do u have epilepsy? What’s going on?_

_I have epilepsy._ She didn’t want to tell him why.

_How?_

She turned off her phone and slipped it back into her pocket. It started buzzing non-stop, so she put it on silent.

“Who was that?” Aaron asked.

“I'll tell you later,” she assured him. Idina did not want to mention Taye in front of her son. It was a public freak-out waiting to happen. She wished he could just get over it as she had.

They finally made it to the park and Aaron rolled out the picnic blanket. Idina undid her restless babies and placed them on the mat. They weren’t little movers yet, but they were certainly trying their hardest. Glad to be off her feet, she sat down beside them. She picked Zephyr up, knowing that if any of them were to take off it would be him.

Walker and Erika were across the pathway, playing fetch with Louie. Aaron smiled and videotaped them. They didn’t notice or didn’t care. Everyone was grinning from ear to ear.

“Aw, babies!” they heard a little girl shriek. She came overrunning. “They’re sooooooo cute!” a girl around six said. She had blonde hair in two high pigtails and was missing a bottom tooth. She was staring adamantly at Zephyr who was in a pastel yellow onesie. “How old is she?” the girl asked.

“ _He’s_ just over two months,” Idina replied with a smile.

“Can I touch him?” the girl asked, correcting herself.

“No,” Aaron said quickly so she didn’t have to. “He’s really young and they have stranger anxiety.”

“What’s stranger anxiety?”

“Generally it’s getting nervous around strangers. Since Zephie is still very little there’s a lot he doesn’t understand yet, so strangers make him really nervous. He’s okay because Dee’s holding right now, but if you touched him, he might start crying.”

“Oh,” she said, looking disappointed. “What about the other babies? Why do you have three? Can I have one?”

Idina tensed, her grip on Zephyr tightening. Aaron put a hand in her shoulder, digging a thumb into her tight muscles and trying to give her a massage.

“No, love,” Idina said “You can’t have one. They need their mommy and daddy.”

“Oh,” she said. “They’re really cute though, I want one. Why do you have three? People are supposed to have one. If you’ve got three can’t you share them?”

“Honey,” Aaron said. “They need their parents. I’m sure you’d take very good care of them, but they’re people and they need to stay with their family. How would feel if a stranger took you home and you had no idea where your parents were, and they didn’t speak the same language you did?”

“I’d be a bit scared,” she admitted.

“So would they,” Aaron replied. “I’m sure you’ll have your own someday, but you can’t take other people’s babies.”

“Then how do I get one? Wait, no, how do I get three since you guys have three?”

“You’ll have to ask your mommy or daddy where babies come from,” Idina said. “But I’m sure you’ll have some when you’re older. And we have three because sometimes it just happened. Normally, people just have one baby, but once in a while they get two or three.”

“How?” she asked again. “Can you have more than three?”

“Again,” Aaron said, “you’ll have to ask your mom how. When it comes to how many, you can have a lot, just not all at the same time. A lot of people have a lot of babies one at a time. But once in a while something happens and you get two, twins, or three as we have, and they’re called triplets. But people have been known to have even more, but it's very rare and doesn’t happen often.”

“I know twins!” she exclaimed. “Lucas and Mark are twins. If they had a third twin, they’d be triplets?”

“Yeah,” Idina said.

“Cool! I’m gonna go tell my mommy. Bye. Oh and bye triplets, have fun!” she exclaimed as she ran off across the park.

Idina pulled Zephyr up close for another cuddle. Maybe taking them out into the wild wasn’t a good idea. They were safe at home.

“It’s okay Dee,” Aaron said as he sat down beside her and deposited Soren and Lucinda in his lap. He rubbed her back. “This is good, I promise.”

“It feels nice to be outside,” she admitted as the sun shone down on her face. “And not just in the backyard.” She put Zephyr down, creating a little enclosure for him with her legs. Aaron moved the other too there as well. “I think they like it outside,” she mused as Lucinda tried to pull herself up onto Idina’s ankle and ended up rolling out, giggle as she did so. Idina put her back and she did the same thing, giggling again. This repeated a few times until she decided it was boring.

Aaron took out some of the toys and started playing with them as Idina leaned back, bracing herself on her elbows as the content shrieks of her newborns grew. She looked around. It was pretty empty this morning. A few people were looking at them, probably because they had noisy babies. She soon started relaxing.

“Up,” Aaron said after a while.

“Hm?”

“Sit up,” he said.

She did so, confused. He sat behind her and rested his chin on her should, his arm around her waist as he still entertained the babies.

“Better?” he asked.

“Maybe,” she teased with a chuckle. It was hot out, but this was certainly better. Her stomach growled.

“Wah!” Lucinda said, imitating the sound as best she could.

“Yeah,” Aaron cooed, “Mommy’s hungry,” he teased, tickling his wife’s belly.

“Stop!” Idina shrieked through laughter. “Aaron! I’m serious,” she continued as he did not relent.

He stopped. “There are sandwiches and apples and some other stuff “ he informed her. “And some wine,” he said with a grin. “You know since you can drink and all now, why not?”

She chuckled. “An apple please,” she said. “I’ll eat a proper lunch with everyone.”

He leaned over and applied an apple out of the bag and handed it to her. She ate in contently with one hand while she play-wrestled a toy with Soren. He pulled it from her when she wasn’t paying attention and started gumming it. Lucinda was very interested in trying to get her shoes off while Zephyr had propped himself up on her inner thigh and was watching his older siblings play with the dog. He was dangerously close to one of her trigger zones on her inner thigh. Aaron knew not to touch her there, but her baby boy had no idea. Yet she didn’t want to move him.

Idina couldn’t quite describe how his light touch on her leg made her feel. There was a certain calming element towards it, and it was so gentle it felt like something that needed to be protected. At the same time, she knew just under the fabric lay small silver scars marring her soft skin. And there was so much innocence in the way his hand lightly brushed her while his fist was in his mouth and his eyes darting from movement to movement. He had no agenda, no goal other than watching something else and being close to his mother. It was a warm fuzzy feeling unlike one she’d felt before. It was like he was reminding her that everything would be okay, and she’d get through. Not because she had to, but because she could, and she would.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Aaron said, taking the core from her hand.

“Zeph's just amazing,” she said. She stroked his cheek. “I think he wants to be with the big kids.” She bent over and tried to kiss him without moving too much. It was awkward, but she managed.

Aaron continued to rub her back. He pulled Lucinda's shoes off for her and she got increasingly disgruntled. She happily threw them at Idina once her tiny feet were liberated. Aaron stowed them away in the stroller. The shoes were cute and went with her blue sundress, the only thing they’d been able to wrestle her into this morning. Soren was looking smart in jeans and a red and orange striped t-shirt, no shoes because he cried about them too much. They’d tried to give him a hat too, but it wouldn’t stay on his head.

Walker came over and started digging through the stroller.

“What are you looking for, Pumpkin?” Idina asked.

“The doggy bags,” he replied. “Louie pooped.”

“They’re over there attached to that bar,” Aaron said, pointing to then.

“Thanks!” he exclaimed, grabbing a bag, and running off across the field.

Idina leaned back, her hands occupied with the babies who were pulling on her fingers. Louie was running around the field, chasing Walker and Erika. She smiled.

She felt a strong sting near her knee. Lucinda was whacking it with a toy.

“Okay Cindy, enough of that,” she said, trying to pull it from her hands without starting a screaming fit.

Lucinda started bawling. Quickly, Idina put the toy back in her hands. She stopped, gurgled contently, and preceded to whack her again.

Idina sighed. “Okay, baby, you really can’t do that. It hurts,” she said, putting a hand between her knee and her daughter’s plastic key. Lucinda hit her hand and started crying again.

Aaron picked her up, but the angle put her in line with Idina’s face and she managed to get her mother on the head.

“Ow!” Idina cried out in frustration. She took a deep breath.

“Sorry,” Aaron said. He got up and separated her from her daughter.

Soren and Zephyr looked shocked. Zephyr was no longer pressed against her inner thigh. She picked him up and cradled him, making Soren reach out for her. It took her moment of baby hot potato, but she was soon holding both of them against her. She looked over to her husband who was dealing with an increasingly fussy Lucinda, trying to get the key out of her hand without making a scene.

It was hard to punish infants since they had no concept of wrong, only not getting what they want, and they had the power of making huge nuisance and scene when they did not get what they wanted. They were entitled little ones, which was certain.

“I’m going to stick her in the stroller for a bit of time out,” Aaron sighed after a while.

Idina instantly felt bad. “I don’t know, I mean does she even know why what she was doing is wrong? Maybe she just likes the sound or something and it’s not cruel.”

There was a spark in Aaron’s eyes. “You’re a genius,” he said. He pulled out a mini tambourine from the stroller and set in down on the blanket in front of Lucinda. She started hitting it with the key, giggle and rolling over. Aaron sat her upright again. “Are you okay?” he asked. She nodded. “You’ve got a red mark on your forehead,” he informed her.

“I don’t think she’s strong enough to do any real damage,” Idina replied.

He brushed her bangs off to the side and tucked them behind her ear and rubbed the small bump on her forehead with his thumb. “Want some wine?” he asked.

She nodded. “Just a small glass,” she rationalized. She could drink on her meds. A glass or two, certainly not more until they knew how the meds and the alcohol affected her.

He pulled some red wine out and she frowned a bit. It was strong. But it was better than nothing. He handed her a small glass and the smell wafted up and she froze. The last time she’d smelt booze it had been on her ex’s breath. 

“Maybe not…” she muttered, trying to hand it back to him but her hand started shaking and she split it, red splotches across the mat. Red spills. Like her blood pooling below her head.

Her breath quickened and her vision narrowed. She could hear Taye in the background, ranting about little goblins trying to take her away from him. With every heartbeat he got closer and closer, looming over him until all she could smell was the stench on his breath. She could feel his spittle spray across her face as he yelled at her in crazed rage.

“No,” she whimpered as something brushed her shoulder. She retracted into a ball, her hands covering her head.

Some brushed against her ankles. Her legs jerked up to her chest. She felt the same thing against her ankles again, but it was soon gone. The hand started rubbing her back again. She swatted at them. She needed to fight back, to stop him. To do anything by lay there useless and let it happen.

She was left alone until the world came back to her. Soon she could hear the birds again and feel herself shaking. She was okay. She opened her eyes. She was in the park, and looking around, with her husband and babies. Idina took deep breaths. She was okay.

“Dee?” Aaron said.

Idina crawled over and cuddled him. He had all the babies in his lap, probably to make sure she didn’t hurt them. Because _she_ was dangerous to them when she had a panic attack. He was rubbing her back and arm, holding tightly. The pressure kept her present. When her breathing settled, he placed a kid in her arms and she instinctively began cooing over Zephyr, who grabbed onto her arm in a bit of a hug.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked.

“I think so,” she replied. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that would happen.”

“Me neither,” he said. “I should have thought it might be a trigger.” He rubbed her arm and kissed her forehead.

She rested her head on his shoulder and looked down at Zephyr who was starting to fuss. “I think they’re hungry,” she mumbled. When she ran her thumb over Zephyr’s little lips, he tried to suckle it. He gurgled despondently when she moved it away.

The stroller was a bit too far away from Aaron to reach without letting go of his wife. Not to mention he’d have to put the other two down to stand up and they were happy where they were, Lucinda in the small hole created by his crossed legs trying to climb them and Soren laying on his stomach on Aaron’s thigh, little arms and legs dangling down each side. Idina was paying more attention to them too, stroking their faces her face making adorable little gestures as each one responded to her. He kissed her temple and stroked her cheek as she breathed deeply and closed her eyes.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, kissing her head again. “I promise you’re safe here.” He wrapped his other arm around her. It rested on her upper thigh.

She sat up and removed it. “Sorry,” she mumbled, cuddling into his shoulder again, “I just, I don’t know, I didn’t feel…”

“Dee, I’ve told you before, if you don’t want me to touch you I won’t. Just tell me what’s okay and not okay and I’ll do it. Is everything okay now?”

“Um, yeah,” she admitted. “You’re arm on my back’s okay, and I like leaning om you and that’s okay too,” she said, going through every point of contact with him, making certain it was all okay “Could you get Zephyr a bottle? I don’t want them all to start crying.”

He gave her the other two babies then got a bottle. The infant started feeding as soon as the rubber nub was brushed against his lips. When he was done Idina gave him his pacifier. Both Soren and Lucinda were staring at the empty bottle expectantly.

They heard a dog bark, pulling them out of their baby trance. Louie came bounding up to them followed by Erika and Walker.

“Are there peanut butter sandwiches?” Walker asked. “I’m hungry. There are peanut butter and Nutella, right? Or at least just peanut butter?”

Idina chuckled. “Yeah, there’s peanut butter and jam,” she said.

“And some with Nutella too,” Aaron added.

Erika went to the stroller to get them and Aaron asked to get two more bottles. She handed out the sandwiches and bottled.

“Want to feed Cindy?” Idina asked her daughter.

“Uh, sure,” Erika said, a bit surprised.

Idina handed her the baby. She sat down next to her, cradling her younger sister. Idina smiled and Leaned into Aaron, who was feeding Soren. There was a gentle breeze rustling the grass and it was cool in their shaded spot. She placed both her arms around her husband, just making sure he was real. Her heart was still beating faster than normal when Walker moved Zephyr so that he could sit on her lap and cuddle her. She looked down. Her youngest boy was sound asleep, a perfect little smile on his perfect little face.

Louie looked exhausted too. Someone would have to carry him back. Idina looked to her other side. Erika was quietly smiling and talking to Lucinda as she suckled away at her bottle. She quietly poked Aaron to get him to look and swatted at him as he was being too obvious. They both snickered.

“What?” Walker asked, mouth full of peanut butter and Nutella.

“Nothing,” Idina said, finding a napkin and cleaning off his face. “We need to go soon, or you’ll be late for your game.”

“Is it a good idea if you come?” Walker asked. “Like I want you to come but there’s going to be a lot of people with cameras and Aaron can film it so that way you don’t get hurt and I’ll make everyone pinkie swear not to spoil it.”

“We’ll figure out, Walkie,” she said. “I want to come too,” she promised him. “I love watching you play, you’re so good.”

“I’m not,” he whined.

“Yes, you are!” She tickled him but stopped quickly before he dropped Zephyr.

“Ha,” Walker said, “I’ve got tickle shield now.”

* * *

Idina did not end up staying at Walker’s game. Just like her son had thought, the flashing lights of the game lighting and the parents taking group photos and the paparazzi trying to follow her into a bathroom eventually triggered a seizure. Aaron drove her home, put her to bed, and swore that he and Erika would film it for her if she were a good girl and took care of herself while they were out.

When they got home, Helen and Jane were dealing with three crying babies and Idina was nowhere in sight.

“She’s in the recording room,” Helen said, trying to soothe the boys. “I’ve grounded her. The crying was making her head spin, but she wouldn’t put them down.”

He thanked Helen while Erika took one of the boys from her and Walker ran up to his room to edit the videos for his mom. He had the perfect plan for it. He wanted to make it exactly like the games he saw on TV.

Aaron went to the recording room and opened the door. He didn’t see his wife when he walked in, but then he found her. She was curled up in a ball on the floor, crying.

“Dee, baby!” he exclaimed, falling to his knees. He pulled her into a sitting position and rubbed her back. “What’s wrong, Chickadee?”

“It’s not working,” she sobbed, hugging him.

“What’s not working?” he asked.

“The medicine,” she sobbed. “I had an episode while you were gone,” she coughed it. “The medicine’s not working.”

“Wait, what? Dee, honey, I need you to slow down for minute, okay baby? What happened?”

She sat up and tried looking at him, but soon fell on him, holding him. “I had an episode.”

“What type?” he mumbled.

“Memory lapse!” she snapped. “We're not treating diarrhea!”

“Okay,” he breathed. “When, how bad?” Why hadn’t Helen told him?

“It—it wasn’t that bad,” she choked, her sobs lessening as she regained her composure. “But it happened, it’s not supposed to be happening. What if I hurt the triplets by accident? I could have hurt them at the park today. I shouldn’t be around them until we know I’m safe. I could have hurt them today Aaron, you know I’m not rational sometimes what if I forget about them and do something irrational and accidentally hurt them or do something that makes us lose custody. Oh my god, what if they take Walker and Erika away? Aaron, you’re got to get rid of me I’m going to destroy this entire family oh my god Aaron we’re going to lose everything because I can’t control myself—”

“Idina,” he said. “Shut the fuck up.”

She stopped from the pure shock, blinking at him.

He took a deep breath. “Dee, you’ve had three memory lapses since they were born. One since starting the meds. You’ve spent more time on the meds than off. And you just said it wasn’t that bad. So the medicine _is_ working. The doctor’s said it probably wouldn’t go away forever, just make them shorter and less frequent. And you’re good now? Right?”

“I think so,” she said. “But—”

“No, Dee, baby, I think you’re being a bit of a hypochondriac about this.”

“But—”

“No. I can do this all day; I’ve got things to lose.”

“But—”

“No.”

She sighed.

“Okay, feeling better?” She nodded. “So, what happened exactly?”

“The babies woke up,” she said, “and they started crying which woke me up and it made my headache worse and mom wouldn’t let me take any painkillers because she still doesn’t know which one’s I’m allowed to take even though we don’t have any I can’t take. I think she’s still mad I took the meds by mistake. So she said I should just sit in here until they’re calm, and I came in and I sat down and then I just had no idea where I was. I thought I was recording _I Stand,_ I think, and just sat on the floor waiting for my producer to come in but no one came.”

“That’s not that bad,” he said in shock. She’d really worked it up earlier. “Well, I mean it doesn’t sound that bad. Did it feel worse than what happened before?”

“I was calm because it was just me. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I’d been with the triplets. That is what scares me.”

Aaron nodded. “But medicine is working?”

“I guess so.” She sighed and hugged him again

He wiped some tears from her eyes. “You should splash some cold water on your face, and I’ll remind Helen again you’re allowed to take the painkillers.”

“She makes me so frustrated sometimes,” Idina muttered.

“You’re going to the same thing to our kids if they have children,” he reminded her.

“You bet I will.”

Idina yawned.

“How much sleep did you get?”

“If I tell you you’ll make me go back to bed,” she whined.

“And now I’m making you go back to bed,” he replied. “We filmed the game. Walker wants to edit it before you see it, so you aren’t missing anything. I’ll wake you for supper or when the triplets are ready to play. Judging by how much fun they had today they might need another snooze before they’re ready to play.”

“See, you frame it like I want to do whatever you say, mom just tells me too.”

“I’m your husband, not your mom,” he reminded her.

“So can give me a blowjob, right?”

He snorted. “Really?”

“What? You’re good at it. And it doesn’t bug any of my triggers, surprisingly, and you’re the only boyfriend I’ve ever convinced to give me head without demanding it in return and I’m making up for lost time.”

“They were missing out,” he teased. “The dopamine rush from emptying my mind of doing nothing but driving you crazy is on another level.”

“And that’s why I give you hand jobs. It’s just the dopamine babe,” she chuckled. “I’m not actually in the mood though, sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I can see in your eyes I got your hopes up. I’m just tired.”

“So you’ll get that extra sleep you need then?” he asked with a spark in his eye.

“Fine, you win.” She flopped herself over him and pretended to be asleep.

“Okay Dee, good for you,” he said as he tried to get up. She didn’t budge. He stood and she flopped onto the floor, still determined to play sleep. “Alright, that’s great, I’m leaving you on the floor and I won’t unground you if you’re not actually asleep,” he threatened, walking towards the door. Idina was still keen on playing dead.

She was just playing, right? He rushed over, just in case. She was still breathing, but her eyes were still shut. “Babe? You’re scaring me now, just say it’s a joke and I’m overreacting.”

“It’s a joke and I’m overreacting.” She opened one eye, then closed it again. That’s when he noticed how pale her face was as the redness was dissipating.

“Could you walk and stuff like you’re alive?” he asked in all seriousness.

She sat up. “I’m just joking, I promise,” she said. “I’ll stay in the same room as you if that makes you feel better.”

“I’ve been reading all those articles you keep telling me not too and I swear every time your face goes pale I think it’s someone in million conditions the doctors always pass off as nothing.”

Idina was about to say something, but her phone buzzed again. She checked it quickly in case it was Carlyle. It was Taye.

“Carlyle?”

“No,” she said. “And don’t read those. I might not be in the best of health, but just as you pointed out I’m getting better.”

“It doesn’t mean the pills aren’t swelling your brain or going to give you some sort of stroke. I really do thinks it’s the meds causing epilepsy.”

“Do you think I should come off them? I know they’re messing up my anxiety and logic, and I know it’s hurting Walk, but the memory lapses were hurting him too. I don’t want him waking up scared that I won’t know him anymore, and I don’t want him going to bed thinking I could be having a panic attack in the next room because he said something I don’t know how to cope with.”

“Angelika can give you tools to cope. I can give you the tools to cope with. Dee, you just have to tell us what tools you need. I hate seeing you in any sort of distress. I’ve seen less of it since the babies were born, and I do think a good deal of it is due to the meds. But we need to take a proper look at the seizures and seriously assess them. Like it or not, people aren’t going to stop photographing you just because you have epilepsy. Everyone knows now. You did the intimal press statement, then you made one, then anyone we’ve ever talked to make some comment about it. Then the videos of you having one in our yard went viral. Everyone knows and they don’t care.”

“Coming off the medicine could make them worse,” she pointed out.

“But then you could take epilepsy medication.”

“And it could make my mood swings worse, which will increase my stress levels and my lapses will start coming back even more because I won’t be medicated for them. We’re shooting ourselves either way. All we get to choose whether we need our left or right foot more.” Her phone buzzed again, this time it was her doctor. “I don’t think we have to choose,” she muttered, her face growing pale as she read the long text.

“What?”

She showed him the text. Her results were back and… they were ordering her off. It had less to do with her results and more to do with the post-partum test group. She wasn’t showing any of the serious side effects most of the other new mothers were, but she was showing warning signs for worse side-effects for her age group. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was the drug was no longer legalized for post-partum women. She could have it back in ten months if she couldn’t find anything else that worked, but right now she had to start coming off of them. 

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said. He truly was. He knew how excited she’d been about them, how excited she’d been when she made it a few weeks without an episode. When she just stopped feeling so muddled and fussy in the mornings. It had been so shocking she’d thought something was wrong, then realized something was right. If she’d found a way to manage her anxiety, he could have had his wife back, and Walker his mother. Erika and triplets would finally have the same Idina he fell in love with.

Walker was excited about the. He noticed the difference. He’d notice the new difference too.

“Maybe there’s something that will work even better,” Aaron said. “And now that they have an idea of how you reacted to this type of drug; they’ll have a better idea of what will work. Maybe one of those harsher ones we shied away from before we can try because we’ll have a better idea about how you’ll react to it.”

“No,” she said.

“Don’t think like that.”

“They won’t though, the reason we went was this one was because of how different it was and because of its intensity, but I choose it out of the others because of the way it worked. And the dosages. It’s just some pills and a needle. That doesn’t feel like treatment. I don’t want three injections and dialysis and a weekly visit. I don’t want medical staff to follow me around on tour. I want my life back Aaron. You might as well just send me off to a home.”

“Idina—”

“No, Aaron, you’d be better off. Then someone’s who’s trained can help me administer my drugs and I can daily therapist visits whenever I have a fit and you’ll know that I’m being taken care of and you won’t have to worry so much. They can dope me up so much I won’t even know how much I hate it. And you can come and visit me and we’ll go on walks and I’ll say a bunch of cute and adorable things because I’ll be high as a kite and we’ll fuck in the bushes while the monitors have their backs turned. Come on, like you haven’t some fantasy about fucking me when I’m high or drunk or both?”

“What? No, Idina, no. No to everything. I’m not sending you away, I’m not giving up, and I’d never dream about violating you when you’re under the influence.”

“Taye and I had some wild times high, you’re missing out,” she informed him. “In the back of a Volkswagen. And it’s just getting better from there. We should try it sometime.”

“No Idina. If you’re high you can’t consent.”

“Well, I’m sober now and I’m telling you I want to get blackout drunk with you and do unspeakable things to each other. And I want to film it so we can see what bat-shit things we think up high and will never be brave enough to admit we liked it or what to try it again. It wouldn’t take that much alcohol to get me to give you a blowjob, it was on Taye’s wine list, like three glasses or something when I’m tired. And I’m very good at them if you couldn’t guess.”

“Idina,” he said carefully, but he couldn’t figure out how to finish that sentence.

“Oh come on, I only don’t like giving them because it’s weird AF and I’ve never enjoyed it. Three glasses of hard liquor and I don’t care. And I’m the one doing it.”

“What’s Taye’s wine list?”

“We had this list of things we’d only do when drunk and how many glasses we needed to be drunk enough to do it.”

“Do you even know how concerning that sounds?” He did not mean to sound patronizing but it came out sounding like he was scolding her.

“It was fun. Neither of us would give the other blowjobs unless hammered. Win-win. We probably conceived Walker drunk because I certainly wasn’t on the baby train at that point. You and I probably had some alcohol in the system when the triplets were conceived so you can’t complain. I was certainly high on life and the whole expanding our family thing and you certainly benefited from that and we were still sharing a glass of something before bed, wine, snaps, vodka, beer, whatever we wanted. There’s no difference.”

“You’re right, I took advantage of you in a venerable moment and I’m sorry and I’m never going to tell you it was worth it.”

She snorted. “Oh come on you don’t believe that you believe we were both two consenting adults because we were, and we are and so were Taye and I. I’m fine if you’re uncomfortable getting blackout drunk and fornicating like rabbits but don’t act like you’re saintly for not doing it.”

“Dee, when you and Taye, did he…”

“Don’t change the subject, just admit it. I’m not going to bed till you admit it. Stop acting all high and mighty. It’s all everyone wants from me. Don’t worry, you’re not the only partner who had wild fantasies. I accept you don’t have a fetish, but come on, gay guys say they’re straight to have a night with me and buy me more alcohol than I have blood in my body. I do not, for a second, believe that you’re the magical exception. You have a hell of a lot more self-control and respect for me.”

“You can’t believe that’s all that I see in you? Because I don’t—”

“I know. But being hot and rich helps. Being very liberal in bed helps. When I lost my virginity you barely knew what an erection was.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“You know what? I will go to sleep because I’m fucking pissed at you right now and I promise you it’s not my meds. Take my phone and make a stupid appointment so we can safely get me off of them. I’ll still be pissed when you’re done.” She practically threw her phone at him. He caught it and stared at her in disbelief. “Don’t talk to me until you’re ready to have an honest conversation.” She stood up and marched out the door.

He followed her, but she thundered up the stairs and slammed their room door. Everyone was staring at him.

“What was that about?” Helen asked as the triplets started crying again.

“The doctors say she has to come off the meds. It’s no longer good for post-partum women. She can get them back in ten months if nothing works as well,” he explained. “At least that’s what I think the cause of her outburst is.” He was quiet for a moment. “Helen, do you um, do you know how often she and Taye drank? And um, what they did together? How has she acted afterwards? She just said something kind of alarming, and she knows it because shit hit the fan when I questioned her about it.”

Helen shook her head. “Honestly, she never seemed out of character until they started going about separation and divorce. I knew the miscarriages were hard and strain, and I knew they both partied a lot because well, they were young and in LA and I’m sure it helped with the pain, but I never noticed anything out of the ordinary. Why? What did she tell you?”

Aaron ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t she’d want me to repeat it to you,” he admitted. “I don’t think she actually meant to tell me either. Sorry, I just don’t want to mess this up more. She’s already madder than a bull.”

Helen hugged him. “As her mother, I want to know everything, as the woman who raised her and sent her out into the world, I’m so proud she’s found someone who’ll respect her wishes.” She let him go and patted his back in a grandmotherly manner. “Jane and I can settle the triplets, why don’t you try and talk to her?”

“She’s not in a talking mood,” he muttered. “And if she actually does fall asleep it can only do good.”

Helen nodded. She knew her daughter. Her son in law knew his wife. He may not have known hers long, but he knew who she was now. And he was certainly more in her good graces and confidants than Helen was.

Aaron helped them settle the triplets and tried to distract Walker who wanted to know exactly why his mother had tried to break her bedroom door. Telling him she had to come off the meds worked for a bit, until Walker decided something else happened and would not be satisfied with anything but a different answer. Erika did not mention it. The triplets occasionally looked towards the stairs as if they were expecting something.

When they were placid and hanging in their jolly-jumpers, Aaron went upstairs to check on her. She was lying face down on the bed. Whether she was actually sleeping or just pretending, he wasn’t sure, but he figured, either way, she was getting some rest. Before he was able to close the door, Walker scurried in and snuggle attacked her. She was asleep for sure. Maybe she’d feel better after a nap and food. The triplets always did. He always did. Everyone felt better after a nap and a good homemade meal.

After the chicken was in the oven, he sat down to book Idina’s appointment. That’s when he noticed the alarming number of texts from Taye. There was also a 43-minute phone call. Curiosity got the better of him the second he confirmed the times for tomorrow.


	80. Chapter 80

All their phone calls were recorded and saved for a multitude of reasons. Aaron plugged in headphones and went to play the conversation.

It seems Idina had been the one to call.

“Taye, hello?”

“Idina!” he exclaimed in shock. “Idina, uh why are you—”

“Where’s Glen?”

“Huh?”

“Glen, my producer. Where the hell is he? And when did you change your number to a new area code? What area code is this even?”

“Idina, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“No, I’m not okay! What’s wrong is we’re supposed to be recording but my producer isn’t here, and I don’t even know that this studio is the one I’m supposed to be at. I don’t even remember getting here. And why are you calling me Idina? I know we fought last night but grow the fuck up I don’t care if dancing with that girl as long as it's my ass you come home too asshole.”

At this point, Taye seemed to clue in. He asked her about Aaron, of course, she had no idea. He somehow managed to keep her on the phone, telling her not to leave the studio and kept it up until her episode seemed to subside and she hung upon him.

It was silly banter that went on in circles. Idina was annoyed at Taye for something, and Taye seemed to know exactly what fight she was referring to. Idina was almost always in a fight with Taye when she had a memory lapse. Was it a coincidence or had they really fought that much behind closed doors?

Aaron went through the texts. There weren’t as many as he’d first thought. There was stuff from this morning where Taye seemed concerned about Idina’s seizures. She shut that down quickly. Everything else was from after her episode.

_Idina, are you alright?_

_Aaron told me about your episodes at the courthouse_

_Are you all alright?_

_Do I need to call the la police?_

_What's going on_

Poor guy. Aaron texted back, saying Idina was still agitated but fine. She was sleeping. He got a smiley face in return. Then he texted Taye his number and said that if Idina ever called him mid-episode to please text him so at the very least he could help him figure out what to say. Then Taye asked if she was getting treatments.

 _If D wants u to know she'll tell u_ , he replied.

_I just want to know if she’s ok_

_Short answer: no,  
long answer: not yet_

_Please_

_If D wants u to know  
she'll tell u I’m not disclosing  
her medical history to  
u without her permission._

_I used to be her husband.  
I’m still worried about her._

_So's every eleven-year-old  
girl with an Instagram account.  
U don’t c me sending them D's  
info_

_I used to be her husband_

_Used to_

_I still care Aaron. I want to  
know she’s doing well._

_I don’t know what to tell you  
Taye. I honestly don’t. I don’t  
know what D wants and even  
if she was okay with me telling  
u I don’t really know how to put  
it all down in text_

_Is she at least getting some  
medical attention?_

_Yes_

_Is it working?_

_Doesn’t matter they  
have to take her off_

_Why_

_She can’t be on it anymore_

_Was it working?_

_Yea_

_Then why? Bad side effects?_

Aaron sighed. He had already been worn down.

_The trial drug, no longer allowed  
for one of D's groups_

_Trial? Nothing better_

_There’s nothing on the market  
other than a drug trial. That’s  
how fucked up her brain is.  
No, she’s not doing well.  
Yes, it is taking a toll on her and  
Walk. Yes, the drugs have dangerous side effects.  
Yes, I think the seizures are bc  
of the drugs. No, coming off them  
won’t make the epilepsy go away.  
Yes, the epilepsy drug could make  
her episodes worse. We’re figuring  
this out as we go and there’s no  
alternative. Trust me, we’ve   
read about it, applied for it,  
got rejected, and tried again.  
Is that what you wanted to know?  
D's struggling with it and Walk  
hates watching her struggle just as  
much as I do. There are things she  
just can’t do anymore. She hates  
it and that makes everything worse.  
Walker has no clue how to process this  
and has an outburst which makes D have  
a nervous breakdown and the cycle  
continues and its quicksand. Have I  
left anything out? Oh there doesn’t  
seem to be anything wrong with triplets  
so far but the pediatrician loves reminding  
us that there could be, and we need to keep  
checking on them and monitoring them.  
Which is bad for D's stress. I’ll let  
you know when I remember something  
else. I really hope that covers all u  
wanted to know. _

There was no reply for a few minutes. Aaron felt the guilt crawling in his gut. Idina was going to be mad. She just acted like things never happened. She avoided Taye, but other than that she really had not yet processed what he did. She hated reminding him that her problems were his fault. She hated thinking anything about that. Her injury was just a sad fact of life she was doing her best to navigate and handle.

 _I’m sorry_ , Taye replied.

_Me too. Just b glad ur not seeing  
it every day. D is bloody amazing and she  
will get through this but  
is going to take a very long time._

_What’s it like every day?_

_I wake up and I check to  
make sure she’s breathing  
and not comatose. Every  
time. I make sure she’s taking  
her meds and not mixing them  
up by accident and I count  
every pill. Then I check all  
the scientific journals just to  
see if there’s some new  
breakthrough that will magically  
make this all go away. Whenever  
I come home from going out I  
never know what I’m going to  
find. Sometimes she’s fine and  
other times her and Walk had an  
argument or she did something to  
trigger one of her triggers and  
she’s on the floor in some corner  
having a panic attack or a flashback.  
Walk wakes me up crying bc he and  
D argued and now she’s  
having an anxiety attack. D wakes  
me up kicking bc she’s having a  
flashback. Then I lie through my  
teeth and tell her everything’s fine  
and then somehow, I am available to  
care for the newborns in between  
and drive Walker to all his practices. _

_How’s Walk_

_Not good_

_Can I talk to him?_

_He doesn’t want to talk to you_

_He’s my son_

_He still doesn’t want to talk to you_

_Can’t you just tell him too_

_No_

_He’s my son, not yours  
and I want to talk to him_

_No_

_How do I even know your  
telling the truth?_

_You don’t bc ur not here.  
You weren’t there on Christmas  
morning when the nurses told  
him D might not wake up. You  
weren’t there when he cried  
because he thought his mommy  
would die. You weren’t there  
the first time D forgot who he  
was. You haven’t been there  
every night he cried himself to  
sleep bc he wanted his mom  
home, or bc he was worried  
she wouldn’t make the night,  
or just bc he’s 10 and can’t  
process what the hell happened. _

_I thought it is going well_

_It is. It’s a lot better._

_That doesn’t sound better._

_That bc you weren’t there when  
it was worse. You weren’t there.  
Period. You weren’t there and  
you aren’t here. You’ve only  
seen the pictures the paps got  
and the ones D released. Those  
are tame. They’re shocking af  
to someone who didn’t see her  
when her face was blue, purple-black and the size of a basketball.  
And her face wasn’t the worst.  
No one’s seen the knife marks or  
the burn marks or the scars that  
are scattered across her body.  
No one knows that she couldn’t  
walk by herself when she finally  
got home or that she could not sit  
up by herself. She had so many  
pills she had to swallow them dry  
or she’d puke from forcing too  
much water into her stomach.  
And she couldn’t take more than  
one at a time because her back hurt  
so much she couldn’t sit straight  
enough for it not to be a choking  
hazard. You can’t do the Heimlich  
maneuver on a pregnant woman  
and expect it to work well. And  
they couldn’t give her the right  
painkillers bc she was pregnant,  
so she was always in pain. Then  
at 3 in the morning, they would  
wear off and she couldn’t take  
more till 7 and she spent those  
4 hours in so much pain she  
couldn’t breathe. You weren’t  
there when she cried every  
night wishing it would all be  
over and you weren’t there  
when Walker overheard it.  
You there when she threw  
up and almost chocked on  
it and when she couldn’t  
move her elbows higher  
than 45-degree angle or  
hug Walk when he  
wanted one. You were there  
the first time she had night  
terrors and Walk thought  
the world was ending. _

_I had no idea_

_No, you effing didn’t.  
I’m sorry your son  
doesn’t want to talk to  
you but you made ur bed  
and now u have to lay in it. _

_Is there anything I can do?_

_Find a cure_

_Seriously_

_I’m doing everything. The only  
thing I can’t do is find a philosopher’s  
stone and fix it. If I could  
have, we wouldn’t be  
having this conversation. _

The oven timer went off and Helen bolted to shut it off before it unsettled the triplets. She pulled the chicken out of the oven, filling the room with a delicious smell.

_Are you sure?_

_Taye, I’m literally doing everything  
I can. I promise you there isn’t a  
drug I haven’t researched, a doctor I haven’t  
called, a neurosurgeon I haven’t consulted.  
If we wake up tomorrow and they’ve figured out  
how to do brain transplants you’d better  
believe I’d be first in line to see if I’m a match._

_You don’t need to be so dramatic_

_I’m not._

_The self-sacrifice is a bit much._

_D's suffering. We all are.  
And don’t for a second  
act like you wouldn’t  
be mad at me the  
second Walk found  
I could’ve done  
something to help  
but didn’t. _

_Id never find out since  
he won’t talk to me._

_What do you want me to do?  
He doesn’t want too and both  
D and I agree we aren’t  
going to force him._

_This must be great for you;  
u got my wife and my kid. _

_D doesn’t belong to you_

_U either. And come on  
there’s no way you’re not  
looking for an out around  
now. She’s bloody  
impossible when she wants  
to be. I couldn’t get her to  
shit when she broke her rib  
or was carrying Walk._

_Did you ever try to do shit for her?_

_I dealt with all her crap.  
The was more than enough shit._

Aaron had to take a second to calm down.

_Fine, you don’t appreciate her.  
I do and I’m going to respect  
her and do whatever I can to  
help her. It is not my problem  
if you can’t. _

_You just told me about her medical  
history. I thought she didn’t  
want me knowing. _

_Seriously what’s your problem man._

_I want my family back_

_I can’t help you there.  
And that’s not my problem._

_You married into her crazy._

_I married D. This crazy is all you._

_It is all her. You’ll see it soon  
enough. I think you’ve only  
lasted this long cause she  
needs you. Once she gets  
her shit together or isn’t  
going to be yours anymore.  
Trust me. She’ll start telling  
you she’s too tired for sex  
and just wants to cuddle  
with a glass of wine. Four  
more later she’ll be drunk  
as a skunk trying to shag  
you. It’ll be great but  
eventually, it’ll stop too  
and she’ll feel awful and  
say it’s all your fault. Then  
you’ll see what I mean. Her  
bloody mood swings. Can’t  
predict them._

_I know. Her brain injury makes  
them worse. You’re not getting  
any pity points from me. _

_And you’re not running for the hills?_

_If I did who would be taking  
care your son and his mother?_

_I could._

_No, you can’t. That’s just the  
truth. Neither D nor Walk  
wants to be around you.  
Thinking of u makes D  
worse. She’s not going to  
just get over it. It going to  
take years before you two  
will be able to talk on the  
phone when she’s lucid.  
And you’re going to have  
to respect her boundaries  
or she’ll be in hysterics  
for the rest of her life. If  
she says no hand on her  
thigh, you take it off. And  
not just because she’s  
injured. Because if she’s  
not comfortable with it it’s  
not okay. _

_You’re a real pushover. Probably  
why she wedded u._

_Taye I’m not having this  
argument with u. We’re  
not letting u talk to Walk  
until Walk asks to talk 2 u.  
If that happens there’s  
going to a whole lot of  
rules and conditions  
and the second Walk's  
uncomfortable it will  
be over. And that’s only  
going to happen if he’s  
able to process everything  
and work through it. He’s  
10\. His whole world has  
been destroyed. He’s angry  
and lashing out and trying  
to figure out how to deal  
with it. We’re doing our  
best to help him but forcing  
him to talk to you isn’t going  
to help him. All he wants right  
now is for his mommy to come  
to basketball games without  
camera flashes triggering a  
seizure. He wants her to wake  
up in the morning and  
remember who he is and how  
old he is and makes him his  
favourite food. He doesn’t want  
to be worried that his mommy’s  
so sick she can’t take care of  
herself. He wants to know  
that there are people around  
who can care for her when  
she’s unable to care for herself.  
And he wants to squeeze her  
so tightly that all the bad just  
goes away. None of that is  
going to happen anytime soon.  
That’s a lot for anyone. It’s a  
lot for me. It’s even more for  
a ten-year-old. The only reason  
he doesn’t have a meltdown  
every time we have him leave  
the house without D is because  
he knows it’ll make it worse.  
I know you want your kid back,  
but right now your kid is too  
focused on trying to get his mom  
back. He doesn’t have time to  
think about getting his dad  
back. If D gets better Walk  
will too. _

_I think I get it_

_Good, I’m honestly glad  
if you do. Now I have to go.  
Pls don’t bug D unless it’s  
urgent. I get that you want  
to know what’s happening  
and how it's affecting Walk,  
but it’s just making everything  
worse. I swear I’m doing  
everything I can for both  
of them. I pray every day it’s  
enough and sometimes I don’t  
think it is but I’m still doing my  
absolute best. Because that’s  
what they both need and deserve._

He turned off the phone and looked around. The table was set.

“What was so interesting?” Helen asked.

“Taye wants to talk to Walk,” Aaron admitted.

“I hope you told him that’s not happening.”

“In a lot more words than needed,” he admitted.

He’d needed a bit of a place to vent, but Taye wasn’t it. If Taye relapsed… Aaron needed to make sure if Taye contacted them again, they didn’t do something that might make him relapse. If he relapsed it would be worse. Walker needed to see that his dad had changed and overcome his problem if he ever wanted to talk to him again. Aaron believed Taye knew that. But even precious little Walker might not be motivation enough to stay sober if there was no reward in sight.

“I’m going to check on ‘Dina,” he said.

Helen wished him good luck as he went up the stairs. Walker was still cuddling her, and she hadn’t moved to hold him. She was very much asleep.

“Foods ready,” he told the boy.

“No,” he mumbled. “I want to stay here with mom.”

Aaron sighed, not having the energy to fight this further. He planted a kiss on both their foreheads and promised Walker there’d be something for both of them when Idina woke up.

When they were finished Walker came down and said Idina was awake.

“Is she coming for supper?” Helen asked.

The boy shrugged as he shoved a large piece of chicken in his mouth. “I think she wants Aaron,” he said he chewed. “I know she’s awake ‘cause she hugged me, but she didn’t do anything else.”

Aaron patted his head as he went upstairs to check on his wife again.

Cautiously, he knocked on the door. “’Dina?” he asked, sliding it open. She was laying on the bed, back to the door, hugging a pillow. He sat on the edge of the bed and lightly ran a finger down her arm. “Are you okay?”

She took his hand and rubbed it, not saying anything, not looking at him but staring straight ahead, not do anything but rub his hand, interlocking and unlocking their fingers, rubbing her thumb into his palm. Her other arm was still wrapped around the pillow and she pulled it closer.

“Do you want to talk?” he asked, stroking the back of her hand.

Idina shook her head. Then her shoulders started shaking.

“Dee?” he asked, bending over to find that she was crying into her pillow. “Oh, Chickadee,” he said, massaging her back.

Idina let go of his hand and squeezed the pillow. He laid down on the bed beside her. Slowly, Idina turned to face him, still gripping the pillow. She reached out and ran her fingers up and down his arm, not looking him the eyes. Then she slipped her arm under his and hugged him, pressing her forehead against his chest. He hugged her back silently, massaging her back, running his fingers through her hair, holding her. Whatever she needed. She still had one arm clamped around the pillow like it was her life raft.

He moved some of her hair out of her face and ran his fingers along her cheekbones. When they got close to her lips, she tilted her head to kiss them, then buried her face back in the pillow.

“What’s wrong baby?’ he asked. “I mean, I know what’s wrong. What’s going on in your head love?”

She looked up at him but said nothing, only pulled herself closer.

“Are you still mad at me?” he asked. “It’s okay if you are,” he assured her, “if you—” he never got a chance to finish. She pressed to silencing fingers to hips lip then crawled closer, pressing herself up against him and holding on tightly.

Aaron did not want to be useless. After some time just holding his wife, he started humming a slow tune, brushing his lips against her forehead, hoping he was doing something comforting. It took him a moment to realize he was humming _Chasing Cars_.

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told_

_Before we get too old_

_Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

He sang it for her in a whisper.

_All that I am_

_All that I ever was_

_Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see_

_I don't know where_

_Confused about how as well_

_Just know that these things will never change for us at all_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

She was staring at him intently when he finished. He ran the back of his fingers across her porcelain skin again.

_Let's waste time_

_Chasing cars_

_Around our heads_

_I need your grace_

_To remind me_

_To find my own_

Idina sang quietly, choosing a verse from the middle of the song. She quietly took his hand and kissed his middle and index fingers, then pressed the kiss against his own lips. They stared at each other for a while.

“I-“ Idina stared, then promptly shut her mouth. “I don’t quite know how to say how I feel,” she quoted from the song, looking away.

“Want me to help you figure it out?”

She shook her head no.

“What do you want?”

“Stay with me?” she breathed so softly he barely heard it. She shut her eyes, holding back tears. “Just stay with me, please,” she begged.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“That’s what Taye used to say,” she whispered. “And now he’s gone. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“You’re not going to lose me.”

She started crying. “He said that too,” she sobbed.

Aaron felt himself withdrawing. What was he supposed to do now? There was no way he could make her see how serious he was. Taye had probably been just as serious at the time. He convinced himself to say nothing and just let his wife talk.

“It’s just,” she muttered through the tears. “How am I supposed to know? Was Taye lying to me all those years or did something change? How could he do this to me?” she sobbed, her voice cracking.

Aaron completely froze. She’d never said it before. Never admitted it. Never said he’d done this to her.

“How?” she demanded. “How come he never hit me before? We drank all the time and nothing and then one day, after I’d known him for half my life, he does this. How? I thought he loved me; I thought we still cared about each other. I thought we still cared about Walker.” She grew quiet again, wiping her eyes. “How am I supposed to trust anyone now? If Taye could do this to me, what could someone else do? What could you do? What about Cara, or Mom? After twenty-five years he did this. Twenty-five. We met in ’95. If the one person who knew me that long, saw all those lows, and who could still promise his life to me do this, where does that leave everyone else? I don’t trust you; I can’t. I fucking can’t and it’s tearing me apart.” She pulled her hands away from him and buried her face in them.

Aaron reached out, then stopped, his arm hanging in mid-air while he tried to figure out what to do. “Dee,” he said. “Dee, baby, I swear I’m never going to hurt you. What do you need?”

“You can’t be sure,” she sobbed. “That’s the point. Taye didn’t plan this. No one planned this. It just happened. The one person I trusted more than anyone in the world broke my heart and my trust, then he told me this could work and built be back up with Walker. Then he broke me. Physically broke me. He broke the veins in my body and broke my brain and broke my skin.

“You’re doing everything for me, and I know that you are, but it’s never going to be enough Aaron. There’s nothing you can do. You could carve out your own heart to save me and it wouldn’t be enough. Not now, it can never be. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to watch you suffer. I don’t want to watch Walk suffer anymore either. I don’t want to watch Erika suffer, or watch the triplets grow up and realize something’s wrong with mommy.” She hid her face in the pillow again, her silhouette shaking. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” she said again. “I’m sorry Aaron but I can’t. I want you to send me to some home, I don’t want to be here. I want medical professionals who are paid to take care of me and paid to pretend to care. I want people who have studied their whole adult lives in this field and know what they’re doing and have access to the care you can’t give me here. I want them to dope me up so much I don’t feel it anymore until they figure out how to fix whatever’s wrong. And if they can’t I want the best room in the best care home there is with activities and field trips and a hot crazy balding guy who’s a bit off his meds but fun to talk to.”

“Dee,” he said. He stroked her arm, but she flinched away, driving a knife into his heart. “I cannot do this alone. I need you here. Let’s talk about this.”

“We are!” she exclaimed. “We’re talking about this right now. And Aaron, you have been doing this alone. I’ve been here, in the bed, so bruised I couldn’t move, or so sad I didn’t want to get up or just too generally moody to be any real help. You’ve been carrying the entire relationship, sometimes literally, since we came back from New York and I’m so sorry about that but it’s true. I’ll be better off in a home. It doesn’t need to be right away, but the best ones have long waiting lists. Almost a decade for the best. At some point, I’m going to need care you can’t provide with the triplets around and I’ll need to go somewhere. I’d rather have the best there is to offer ready to accept me the moment the next patient dies than have to settle for whatever we can get me into. I just want to be happy and comfortable again, and if that’s drugged up in a closet, I’ll take it over this.”

“Chickadee…”

“Don’t call me that, please, it hurts too much. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I don’t.”

“The triplets can’t grow up not knowing their mother.”

“They’ll know me,” she said. “We’ll visit. It’s not going to be right away. They’ll know me, I’ll just be out of harm's way, where I can’t hurt them.”

“And what about Walk, what about Erika?”

“Walker… He’ll understand it’s for the best. He won’t like it, I don’t like it, but it’s for the best. Erika, well… she likes you more. She’s still closed off to us in many ways. I know it’s going to hurt her, but not as much as it will if she trusts me more and I go away. It’s better to rip the band-aid off now.”

“what about me?” he asked finally. “I can’t lose you.”

“You’re not losing me,” she said. “That would imply you had me to begin with. You’re putting me in the care of the people who can help me the most. You’re arranging something for when I get old. I’m going to get everything worse because Taye beat the shit out of me and I’ll never fully heal before dementia and fragility seep in. I’ll go downhill faster than you can imagine, and I want to know I’ll be taken care of and there’s a plan so you’re not scrambling last minute. This isn’t going to happen tomorrow,” she reassured him. “But it will be there to help once I need it. I-I,” she stuttered, then stopped, clamping her mouth shut before she said more.

“You what?” he asked tenderly. “Please, Dee you what?”

“I, um, fuck. I don’t want to break up but shit Aaron I don’t really want to be with you either right now,” she croaked. “I love, loved you so much and I did my best to trust you but I can’t and as much as I want you to hold me I don’t because I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it. I know you can, or at least you pretend to but I can’t and it’s crushing me and eating me out and sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in my own body and tied to a chair, watching you and everyone else get boiled alive trying to save me from the lava at my feet but I just know if I fall in you guys will get out in time. I want you guys to get out in time.”

“What about your projects, or your new album, or anything. Dee, what about us?”

“There can’t be an us if I don’t trust you because when I don’t trust you it’s never about us, it’s just about me. That’s not us.” She paused before she added: “But if at the home they find a treatment that works, one that really, really works, there could be again.” Her eyes lit up in a way Aaron hadn’t seen since they’d brought Erika home. “And then I could come back, and it would be hard, but not as hard as this and—”

He cut her off. “Dee, if you leave, there might not be something to come back to.”

“But if I get better,” she rationalized. “that’s what I’m saying. I’ll get better.”

“You can get better here.”

“No, I can’t.”

He sighed; she was right about that, but she was wrong about coming back. “Dee, that could take years. Say we get you in somewhere right after we adopt Erika. It takes three years. Walker’s in high school, moody because he’ll be a teenager. He’s not going to run to the door and cuddle you the moment you come back. You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t scream in your face. The triplets won’t know who you are. They’ll be terrified of you. Erika will be in college and I might not even know where she is because while she’s grateful for the help she doesn’t want this following her around with everything else life put her through. And I wouldn’t blame her. I want you to get better, Idina, that’s all I want, but this isn’t the way. We can look into something for when you’re older in case we need it, but I’m not sending you away unless it's necessary. And I’m determined it won’t be.” He wanted to hold her, but she made it clear she did not want him to touch her.

Idina started crying again, hugging the pillow for comfort.

“Dee, baby, do you want a hug?” he asked.

She nodded while she said no. He sighed and reached out, rubbing her arm. She didn’t shy away so he moved a bit closer. Slowly he pulled her into his embrace. He sat upright, pulling up too so that he could hug her properly. He closed his eyes, pressed his cheek against the top of her head, and held her until she stopped shaking.

“And for the record,” he said after a long while, just to say something. “Earlier, what I meant to say was I don’t want to get drunk with the express reason of getting you to do something you wouldn’t normally do. I wouldn’t want to deliberately drink less than you so that I could benefit or coerce you into trying something you don’t like. It’s a bit different if we start just having fun, drank a bit too much, and did something silly we can regret with laughs and some humble shame and…” he lost his train of thought. “And…”

“It’s fine,” she whispered. “I know what you mean. Like our honeymoon was okay. I tried to give you head then but it was embarrassingly bad, and I don’t regret it I just can’t believe I did that.” She chuckled a bit. “And Taye and I weren’t deliberately trying to do that either, I know I made it out that way. And I was certainly the one trying to get him to drink more if anything. Maybe it’s my fault he got drunk…”

“No, it’s not.”

“Okay.”

He frowned. Why was she just letting it go? He nuzzled her temple and rubbed her arm. “I love you, Dee. You don’t have to believe it for it to be true. If I could just hold you for the rest of our lives, I’d be happy. We could stay here forever.”

Idina wrapped her arms around his neck and started humming after a while. “If I could save time in a bottle,” she mumbled against his skin. He smiled.

“You’re going to be okay,” he said. “Just stay here with me, please. I don’t ask you for much, Dee. I’m not asking you to trust me, hell I’m not going to ask you to love me. I’m just going to ask you to stay and be a mother to your kids and do the best you can. And then I’ll do whatever you can’t.”

“I’m scared,” she said. “I’m terrified, Aaron. I’m terrified about how I’m supposed to move on, I’m terrified about coming off the meds. I wasn’t having the best reaction to them and we both know the withdrawal is supposed to be worse. And I want to trust you, I just can’t. You wanted me to come to terms with everything and I have, but it means I can’t trust anyone anymore. It means Taye exists in this double reality, not either-or and we can’t go back to either or where everything was alright.” She rambled on for a while, talking in metaphors. Aaron ran his hands through her hair again. He let her talk herself up. She didn’t even realize she was doing it. He could feel her playing with the neckline on his shirt and noticed the way her body slowly turned towards him as she got more comfortable. He wasn’t sure he would ever let her out of his sight again.

“Dee,” he said after a while. “If you want someone to blame, blame me.”

“But it’s not your fault.”

“I want you to get better. If you need someone to blame, give it all to me. I could have driven you; I should have known something was up and checked earlier than I did. I should have told Walk to suck it up and stay in the car. I could have pulled him off you or used myself as a meat shield. You were pregnant for fuck’s sake and I stood there like as if there was nothing I could have done but call the police.”

“Alternate reality, he beat you to a pulp, turned back to me. No one held Walker back when he started kicking me again with more vigour because you just made him mad and Walk jumped in and got hurt. I wake up in the hospital with a miscarriage, broken bones, and find out both my boys were comatose or dead.”

“Or the police come and I’m a bloody mess but you’re alright and the babies are alright and Walk’s all right, at least you guys are physically but it is okay because we all know it could be worse and I get a bunch of snuggles from the both of you every day so it’s not that bad in the end.”

“It is really bad though. And he was trying to purify me or something, what if he actually tried to kill you? Now I’m a single mom with five kids.”

“This is going nowhere.”

“You started it.”

“What ifs aren’t going to change anything.”

“You’re right. But we can at least figure our future out with what-ifs.”

“Do we have a future?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“You still want to be with me even if I can’t love you?”

He didn’t believe that was true. “Dee, I’ve told you before: I want to grow old with you. And to be there for all the highs and lows. I want to help you make up for all that lost time spent not getting head from Taye. And I want to watch our children grow up together and I want to cry when the graduate and the two of us to be annoying and clingy. I want to finish what’s left of my life walking beside you because I’m better because of you. You make me want to be a better person Dee. I don’t want to give you up.”

“I don’t think you can be a better person.”

“I could be,” he reiterated. “There were fights we had that were stupid. There are times when I should have been able to help but I couldn’t. I know I wasn’t the world’s best boyfriend.”

“So far you’re the world’s best husband.” She sighed and squeezed him. “You’ll stay with me?” she asked.

He nodded. He was about ready to never leave her alone again.

“Did you see all the texts from Taye?’ she asked after another long while. “I think I called him, but I’m honestly not sure if I did or if I was remembering calling him.”

“Yeah, I did, and yes, you did.”

“Oh.” She grew quiet for a moment. “I want to tell him so badly how much he messed up my life and how much I want to fillet him. But I can’t do that either. I’m so worried he might hurt himself or decide he needs to be in Walk’s life again if he thinks I’m incapable and I just want him to go away and never come back. Not unless Walker asks him too.”

“I-uh, I kind if ended up telling him. I told him you were sleeping but okay because he sounded very worried, which I don’t blame him, he doesn’t see this every day I’m sure it’s shocking for him. I think I just got mad. I wanted him to know too. He has no idea and he’s acting the way he is because he doesn’t. I asked him to leave you alone too unless it’s an emergency. I’m—”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, I always wanted to do that I just couldn’t bring myself too.” She cuddled up closer. “You can just delete the messages; I know you’re going to ask that next. I don’t want to read them. I just want my life back. Or a life back.”

“You’re got a good life, Chickadee,” he said. “And you can start working again soon if you want. That would help, wouldn’t it, baby?”

“Maybe,” she mused. “I have so many things floating around in my head at least trying to get them out will help.”

“What about your journal?”

“That only works with the words. There’s stuff in my brain that I put into my songs I can’t put down on paper.”

“I think it’s magic,” Aaron said.

“Whatever it is, it wants out.”

“You can let it out,” he said. He smirked. “Let it go,” he teased.

“Shut the hell up right now,” she said.

“ _Let it goooo_ ,” he mocked. “ _Let it goooooo_ ,” he mocked again, tickling her.

“Stop!”

“Only if you moo with me.”

“Moo, now shut your face.”

“Okay,” he chuckled.

“You know, I’ve been thinking of that saying, the ‘would you do it all over again’ scenario and I feel like I should be saying yes, I should because of Elphaba and _Frozen_ and my kids, but whenever I ask myself that I picture sixteen year old me after my first break-up and I imagine telling her all of this is going to happen and it’s all going to be okay just because she has a good husband and loves her children but I can’t. I can’t tell her that someone’s going to beat her up and it’s going to be okay because she doesn’t have a miscarriage. Because it’s not okay. And I feel so bad, but I wouldn’t do this all over again. I tell her to run for the hills because she doesn’t deserve this. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t even if we never meet. I don’t deserve this,” she said whispering the last sentence.

“No, no baby you don’t. You don’t deserve any of this.”

“You don’t either. You don’t deserve all this crazy.”

“I don’t,” he admitted. “But I’m committed now. You can’t shake me off that easily.”

“Will you seriously consider looking at assisted living though? I’m terrified about being trapped in my own body, unable to do anything and make my own choices and if that happens, I want to make the choices now before I can’t. I’m terrified of everything now.”

“Yes, we can look into those and we’ll get you on a decade and half long waiting list for the best one out there. Then the triplets will be teenagers and we might be grandparents and we’ll both get our own versions of ‘I told you so’.”

Idina yawned. “I’m hungry.”

“There’s food downstairs.”

“If you leave this bed, I’ll stab you with a pen.”

“Woah, okay, Dee, I’m not leaving the bed. I was just saying there’s food downstairs.”

“I don’t feel like eating,”

“Then why did you say you’re hungry?”

“Because I am.”

“Hi Hungry, I’m your husband.”

“That’s just bad, it’s not even funny.”

“But you’re smiling,” he argued.

She frowned instantly to prove her point. “I want some time alone the two of us,” she said. “And I want some time by myself. And I want time with Walk and Erika but right now I swear I’ll go to jail for homicide if you leave this bed.”

“I love you too?”

She adjusted herself in his lap and he almost sighed in relief when the blood rushed back to his leg. He centred her and they both got comfortable. She took his hand and started massaging it again.

“I like the way your skin feels,” she said as she ran her palm over the back of his hand, then ran his hand across her face. She kissed his wrist. “I think the babies have your skin.” She placed it under her shirt and shivered when his cold hand met her warm stomach. “You know there’s nothing there,” she mumbled, leaning her back on him as his thumb started rubbing her abdomen.

“You are,” he replied.

“I want you to touch me,” she said. “Everywhere. Even the trigger zones. I want you to take his away and replace them with yours. I just want to stop being this way.”

“Dee...”

“I know, it doesn’t work that way and you don’t want to make me have a flashback and I still don’t really know how I feel about anything but right now I really love the way your skin feels.” She took his other hand. “I don’t know, just, like this.” She put his hand where Zephyr had been leaning earlier this morning. “And just hold me and be safe and stay with me.”

“I’m staying with you,” he said.

She giggled.

“What?”

“You’re turned on, I can feel it,” she chuckled.

“What?”

“You think I’m hot right now, don’t you? Does crying get you off?”

“No.”

“I turned you on earlier talking about giving me head, didn’t it?”

“A bit.”

“Can you give me head?”

“I thought you weren’t in the mood.”

“I was mad, I’m always in the mood for head. Especially yours.”

“You weren’t when you were pregnant.”

“You were doing it wrong.”

His hand had been creeping up her inner thigh. All he ever one to do was hold her and make her feel special. Now she was asking him too in the most enjoyable way imaginable. And he didn’t feel up to it. She sensed that.

“You don’t want to,” she said.

“No, I, Dina, it’s fine I want to.”

“Not really,” she said, “You’re doing all the right motions but they’re chaste. The same rules apply to both of us. If I were acting this way you’d stop.”

“But you’re not doing a thing. I’m doing everything right now,” he said as he drew on her inner thigh.

“I’m asking you too and now I’m telling you not too. Or only do what you want. Don’t be pressured into something because of me. That’s the last thing I want right now.”

There was a knock on the door. “Do you guys want something to eat?” Erika asked.

Idina’s stomach growled when she smelt the chicken.

“Yes,” Aaron said for her. “You can come, it’s safe.”

She came in with a breakfast in bed tray and placed it over Idina’s lap.

“Are you okay?” she asked, looking from Idina to Aaron.

“I’m feeling better,” Idina said. It was true. She reached out and pulled Erika close. “Don’t spoil the game for me,” she said, hugging her daughter. “And we have your optometrist appointment tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Nervous.”

“No.”

“Do you think you need glasses?”

“I have no clue.”

“You probably don’t then. Do things look fuzzy?”

“No.”

Walker came into the room and crawled onto the other side. He took a tissue from the side of the bed and dried Idina’s cheeks. Then he looked up at Aaron and hugged him.

“I love you,” he told Aaron. Then he hugged his mom.

“I love you too Walk,” Aaron said.

“That’s sweet Walk, but I need my arms to eat,” she said. When he freed her, she put an arm around Erika. She tried to saw at her chicken with the blunt edge of her fork, but it wasn’t working.

“Hand me the knife Dee,” Aaron said. He cut her meat for her while she held it down for him. He put his other arm around Walker.

* * *

Aaron didn’t leave Idina’s side all night. He followed her around everywhere. She was going through all the actions, but Aaron could tell she was distant. He deleted the messages from Idina’s phone and cuddled on the couch, watching a movie while the babies slept upstairs. They should have been sleeping too, but neither of them wanted to.

“Can we watch Walk’s game now?” Idina asked as the film finished.

“He doesn’t want you to see it yet.”

“What’s he doing with it?”

“I have no clue.”

Idina laid down on the couch, laying her head in his lap. She opened her phone and read over her emails while Aaron undid her bun and played with her hair as she told him fandom tidbits.

“Aaron?” she asked, sounding a bit alarmed.

“Yeah?”

She handed him her phone. “Another website like the ones Stella and Mika put up came out, just, it’s— I mean it’s not just me, right, you see it too?”

He took her phone and read over the website. He felt the colour drain from his face. Something in the cadence, the sentence structure and tone reminded him of the blackmailer’s messages. They called Idina all sorts of things. For marrying a man of colour, having a mixed-race child. For adopting. For have triplets. They called them unnatural abominations. It called her the devil incarnate and said her seizures were her overlord giving her commandments and called for all her parental right to be terminated. He read the entire site while Idina squeezed his hand, waiting for a reply.

“How much did you read?”

“The first paragraph. It’s not just me, right?”

“No,” he said. “I see it too.”


	81. Chapter 81

Aaron woke up, his arm feeling numb. Idina was laying with her head on his shoulder, squeezing his arm.

“Dee,” he whispered.

She was asleep, her face taught. She looked worried and stressed and he did not blame her.

“Dee,” he said shaking her. “Baby, wake up honey.”

She groaned and tugged his arm more. It took a moment, but he managed to gently wake her up.

“Sorry honey,” he said gently, “my arm was numb.”

“Oh,” she mumbled, turning over and grabbing a pillow.

“Dee?” he asked, running his fingers through her hair. “Are you feeling alright?”

“No,” she said, brushing him off.

He drew himself closer and she brushed him off again.

“I’m sorry,” she snapped, “for hurting your arm. So can just leave me alone now.”

“I’m not leaving you alone,” he told her. “Not right now.”

”Then don’t touch me,” she huffed, not looking at him.

“I’m not mad, Dee,” he explained, “you just cut off the blood to my arm, it’s fine. You can still cuddle me. Come on, I’ll be your mattress.”

“No,” she said. “Just be glad I’m in the same room as you and leave me alone,” she repeated. Then she stopped talking to him.

~

The triplets were having the biggest fit of their lives. They were practically purple, and no one had any idea what to do. Even Jane couldn’t come with some miracle after all of her time nannying. Idina was having none of it. She was hiding in the bedroom, pillows over her ears, trying to block out the noise that was giving her a headache made for the Guinness World Records. It had been going on for a few solid hours since they’d woken up at around five in the morning.

Aaron knocked on the door. “Hey,” he said. “I got you some ibuprofen.”  
She ignored him as he came over to the side of their bed, rubbed her exposed foot, and tried to hand her the tablets. She turned away from him.

“Dee, honey, even if you don’t come down it’ll make you feel better. A lot better. Why don’t you go and walk Louie with Erika and Walker? The fresh air will be nice and Helen, Jane, and I will take care of the triplets. I’m sure they both want to spend time with you.”

She grunted. It was something, Aaron assured himself.

“And I’ll take Erika to the eye doctor unless you want to do that,” he continued, moving a bit closer. “But you’ll have to come to your doctor’s appointment. They want to consult you about the plan to come off the drugs, so you need to be there in person. I don’t think there’s a dress code though, so you don’t even need to put in the effort to change.”

“I want to stay on the drugs,” she moaned. “I don’t want to go through withdrawal as well. I can’t fucking take any of this anymore.”

“I know, love,” he said, rubbing her back.

“No you don’t!” she exclaimed, turning over and away from him. She was about to say more when Walker came in, diving onto the bed.

“Are you awake, mommy?” he squealed excitedly.

“Yeah,” Idina sighed, unable to find the energy to match his enthusiasm.

“Are you okay mom?” he asked, sitting up and staring down at her with a concerned frown. “Are you feeling good enough to watch my game after supper tonight?"

The wailing of the triplets wafted up the stairs and she groaned, pulling the pillows over her head.

“Aaron has stuff you help your head,” he said. He laid down and cuddled her. “You took the medicine today, right? All of it, cause like you still have to be on it,” Walker said. “Aren’t you still supposed to take it, like didn’t Aaron say you couldn’t just stop? Are you okay mommy?”

She grunted again. It was too many questions all at once. “I um, I want to see the game,” she mumbled.

“Dee?” Aaron asked. “Is everything fuzzy today?”

“Mom?” Walker demanded when Idina did not respond instantly.

“Walk, give her a moment, okay bud?” he ran his hand through her hair. Walker nodded and looked down at his mother, concerned, then he hugged her. “Dee, honey, can you sit up? Walk, close the door. Maybe stick a blanket along the bottom to help muffle the noise.” The boy nodded and did what she was told while Aaron tried to coax a coherent response from his wife.

“My... head hurts,” she mumbled.

“Is it getting worse?” Aaron asked.

“My head hurts,” she repeated. It seemed to be the only thing she was thinking.

“Dee, Hun, this will help,” Aaron said, opening her palm and dropping some pills in.

“I think I’m going to throw up,” Idina said.

“Well you’ll have to sit up then,” Aaron said, not quite believing her.

To his surprise, Idina did so begrudgingly. The doorbell rang, signalling the security had arrived so that Walker and Erika could take Louie out for his stroll. On queue, Idina threw herself over the side of the bed and threw up, away from the carpet. Aaron leaned over and rubbed her back.  
She sat up, looking miserable and glaring at him with her ‘I told you so’ face.

“How are you feeling?” he asked for what felt like the millionth time even though he had a pretty good idea. He wanted a better one. A more accurate one.

“My head hurts,” she repeated.

“Maybe some air would help?” Walker asked, excited and high-pitched. “You could come out and walk Louie!”

“Walker,” she said, seemingly now just realizing the kid was here. “Not so loud, kay Pumpkin?”

“Oh,” he said quietly, “sorry mom.”  
Idina pouted and reached out to hug him, a fist still clenched around the pills.

“Walk, why don’t you get ready and Dee will come down when she feels a bit better?”

“You just want me to go downstairs,” he accused as Idina hugged him tighter and secretly gave Aaron a death glare. She let go of him to puke again.

“I’ll get a bowl,” Walker said, patting his mom in the back.

“Take the meds,” Aaron said after Walker had left. “You’re not pregnant and you’re not breastfeeding, and you are allowed to mix these over-the-counter drugs with your meds, so you’ve got no excuse.” Maybe some tough love would work. “And frankly the floor isn’t going to handle any more vomit, Dee.”

She pouted and hugged him. Shocked, he inhaled sharply at her touch. Then she started crying silently.

“Oh baby,” he said, letting her rest her head on his lap. “Pease take the tablets, Dee, and have some water.”

She plopped them in her mouth and swallowed them dry. “It’s my new superpower,” she mumbled, adjusted herself and using his thigh as a pillow. “Are they the drowsy ones? I kind of want the drowsy ones, I really don’t feel good I won’t be mad if they are.”  
“Yeah,” he admitted. “They’re the drowsy ones.”

“Look at you, lying to make me look after myself by giving me drowsy pills cause I’m stubborn. And someone’s going to ha e to clean up the puke before it stains the floor, and we can never get the smell out of the floorboards.”

“Go for a walk with the kids and I’ll clean it.”

“You gave me drowsy pills.”

“You can suck it up. Plus you always say they work better.”

She put an arm around his thigh and nestled down as if he was her pillow. “They work better because I still don’t want to hear your voice and would rather be sleeping,” she mumbled, no malice on her voice. She almost sounded affectionate.   
The triplets hadn’t cried in a while. Aaron doubted they were sleeping, but if they were placid maybe Idina would play with them. She needed to get out of bed. It was the start, but once Idina started she wouldn’t stop.

He ran his fingers through her hair, pulling out some of the tangles and she sighed contently.

There was a knock on the door. “Walk said Dee threw up,” Helen said, coming in carrying some cleaning supplies and a bucket. “Aw, honey, you don’t look very good.”

“I don’t feel very good,” Idina replied. She pulled a blanket over her head.   
Helen handed her the bowl and sprayed some spray on the vomit puddle. “Why don’t you get some air?” Helen said softly.

“Really, you’re not telling me too or else?” Idina asked, perking up.

“I think you’re having a very bad day. I don’t think you’re being difficult. “   
“I’m not difficult,” she mumbled. “I'm cake, tell her honey.”

“She’s cake, Helen,” Aaron said with a chuckle. “And cake goes outside and has walks with her kids.”

“Cake's thrown up on the floor,” she said.

“Are you going to clean it up then?” Helen asked.

“I really don’t feel good mom,” Idina replied.

“I know honey, Aaron and I are trying to help you feel better,” she said, putting the cleaning products on the floor and coming over to pad her daughter’s head. “But laying around all day isn’t going to make you feel any better.”

“I do want to spend time with Walk and Erika…”

“And they want to spend time with you,” her mother said.

“Are the triplets okay?” she finally asked.

“Yeah, love,” Helen said. “They’re okay. We got them something to eat and now they’re playing.”

“Mhmm, that’s good,” she mumbled, her eyes closing. A few seconds later she had fallen asleep in her husband’s lap.

“How many pills did she take?’

“Three,” Aaron said. “But the meds make her groggy too.” He ran his hands through her hair and studied her face. He did not want to move her. “And she didn’t sleep well last night, and she had a seizure yesterday…”

“How are you holding up?” Helen asked. “I don’t really have to go back if you still need an extra hand, I’m willing to stay as long as you need.”

“That’s a lovely offer, but I think Dee’s getting sick of you.”

“I’m her mother, of course, she is,” Helen chuckled. “But I’m serious, Aaron, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” he sighed. He wasn’t.

“I know you’re not.”

“I’m fine, Helen, honestly."

“Aaron Lohr you are not fine young man, and you will tell me what’s wrong this instant, do you hear me?” Helen said, instantly switching into mom mode. Aaron had observed Idina do it a thousand times, but he had never been on the receiving end. All of a sudden, he was twelve again.

“I’m worried about Dee,” he admitted.

“And?”

“And…” he trailed off. “I’m worried about my wife. And I’m worried about her every waking second, and sometimes in my sleep. And I think if this is how worried I am I wonder just how worried Walker and Erika truly are. And sometimes I wonder what it's going to be like for the triplets growing up if things don’t get better and I worry I can’t do all of this alone of I need to.”

“Aaron,” Helen said, putting an arm around him and staring him in the eyes. “You will never have to do this alone. That’s my promise, and a dozen of other peoples'. Stewart will drop everything if you or Dee asks, Cara too. Your sisters are lovely and are a great help and I’m sure they’d do the same. Jane’s bloody fantastic don’t you ever let her go. You’re not alone.”

“I feel pretty alone.”

“Elaborate,” Helen ordered.

“Well, when Dee’s crying in the middle of the night, or a mood, or anything, it's always me. She doesn’t want anyone else seeing her like that, or even knowing it happens and that’s all on me.”

“Aaron, if you ever need help with something you can ask me.”

“Honestly, Helen, I don’t think you’ll be able to help. You know how she gets, and now everything’s ramped up to overdrive.” He looked back down at Idina who was showing no signs of being awake. “God, I hope Walker makes it out okay. I’m not so worried about Erika. I know she’s worried, but I also know we’re the best that’s ever happened, even with all of this insanity and I know anything we do is better than nothing and while we both want to give her more I try and not feel like a failure by reminding myself its better than nothing. This still makes me feel bad because I love her, and I don’t want her settling for something when she deserves so much more. She deserves so much more than what we’re giving her. Walker and the triplets too but there’s nothing we can do but try and make the best of it.”

Helen was rubbing his back. She put her head on his shoulder and comforted him. “Erika and Walk know you’re doing everything for them. And Walker knows how much you’re doing for Idina. He sees it every day. You’re his hero. Erika’s improving because you care enough to do something as simple as asking her how her mornings going or picking her up from work when it's raining. It's always going to be the little things for her. You’re right and it shouldn’t be, but it is. Maybe you should go out and walk the dog with them. I’ll make sure Dee’s okay.”  
It took Aaron a moment to be convinced. He quizzed Helen on different symptoms, which could be alarming, anything that could indicate something was wrong with Idina. What to do if she woke up confused, dazed, or any of the other things she sometimes was in the morning because her brain decided it needed an off day and to hell if Idina actually needed her brain or not.   
He was certain she’d know if he was gone even if he made it back and she was still asleep. She said she didn’t want him around, but she wouldn’t be clinging to him if that was true. She was frustrated at herself and trying to punish herself by taking something she loved away, and he was not going to let her do that.

“She'll be fine,” Helen said. “Now go before they leave.”

“You’ll wake her up if she’s having a nightmare?” Aaron asked and Idina mumbled something, rolling over.

“Yes,” Helen said, “Dee will be fine.”  
Aaron sighed, lightly brushing his wife’s face. She seemed okay now and if he made it back before she woke up it would be like nothing happened for her.

“Come on,” Helen said, “let’s tuck her in, she’ll be more comfortable.”

“Okay,” Aaron said, finally giving in. He got why Idina wasn’t keen on leaving the triplets alone, especially when she had been breastfeeding. He felt like she was his responsibility, and no one should have to look after her but him. No one could. Not to mention she loved him, she came to him, and she needed him.

They carefully unwound Idina from Aaron’s leg and tucked her in under the covers. She did not seem stressed or having a bad dream. He told her he’d be back before she knew he was gone.  
He went downstairs.

“How mom?” Walker asked almost imminently.

“She fell asleep.”

“That’s good, right?” Walker asked. “Because she had a seizure yesterday?”

“It’s good,” he said, a bit demoralized. The boy did not notice.

“Will you come to walk Louie with us?”

“Yes,” Aaron said with a smile.

Walker’s smile grew wider and he jump-tackled his stepfather with a hug. He chuckled, taking a few steps backwards to stable himself while he lifted Walker.

“You’re getting big, little man,” he teased.

“Mhmm, big and strong like you,” Walker replied with a grin, hugging him around the neck, his feet not touching the floor.

“Don’t let Dee make how big your growing or she’ll tell you to stop.”

“She literally cannot make me stop growing.”

“And you’re going to tell her that,” he said as he put Walker down.

“No, I’m not, you are,” the boy replied before disappearing into the living room.

Aaron followed him. Erika, Manuel, and Jane were playing with the triplets. Louie was watching them intently, sitting straight and proud. He looked over to Aaron with a satisfied expression and wagged his tail as if he was bragging about what a good job he was doing making sure the little humans were alright. The babies were still a hit red-faced, but they were certainly happier now. They looked about ready to crash after a few hours of crying. Aaron wondered if he should tuck them in with Idina. She’d love waking up to that. But then there were a few too many logistics that would need to be sorted out and Idina was clinging to the pillows and blankets so those could not be removed for the babies' safety.

“I think in a half hour they’ll be ready for a good rest,” Jane said. “How’s Idina doing?”

“Better than she was,” he replied.  
Aaron sat down beside Erika who was playing tug-a-war with Zephyr. He tickled the baby, who sneezed and let go of the toy. He stared at it in shock for a moment, before deciding to bite it. They both chuckled at the baby.

“I don’t get his thought process,” Erika chuckled.

“Me neither,” Aaron replied.

Zephyr looked up at Aaron and raised his arms, opening and closing his fists, a clear sign he wanted his dad to pick him up. Aaron scooped up the boy, carefully in case he didn’t let go of the toy. He stayed clamped on and Erika let it go.

Zephyr squealed in content and put two hands on Aaron’s face, keychain toy still dealing from his mouth. Aaron blew him a kiss and received giggled in return. The babies were so happy it was contagious. Aaron smiled, his son’s hand still on his cheeks. Aaron kissed each of his little palms and they were back poking his face as soon as he let them go.

“Is Louie ready for his walk?” Aaron asked, looking around for the dog.  
The westie was near Jane, laying down and staring at Lucinda, who was staring back at him. Louie was protective of the babies and the babies liked him. They still weren’t letting them crawl all over the dog, but there was mutual adoration. Louie walked up and gently nudged Lucinda, who giggled. Then the dog liked her, his tail wagging and the girl giggled even more. Louie turned back and stared at Aaron triumphantly. He could make the little humans laugh just as much as the big humans could.

“Ready for a walk?” Walker asked, holding up the red leash.

Louie instantly got more excited and nearly pounced on the boy. Walker picked him up, laughing as he did so. Miguel handed Soren to Jane and the four of them left the house.   
Walker was instantly planning their route around the app Pokémon Go with Miguel occasionally telling him they could not go to a certain location. Walker would pout but he did fuss.

“If he’s ever rude, let us know,” Aaron whispered.

“He’s not,” Miguel assured him. “And I know he’s dealing with a lot, but you’ve got two polite kids. Honestly, I don’t mind walking a dog for a half-hour, it is the easiest job I’ve ever had.”

Aaron smiled and thanked him again for keeping his kids safe. Once in a while, a picture got out, but for the most part, Erika’s status as a foster child kept them at bay. And honestly, no one was too interested in them walking a dog. There were more articles about their scowling security guard now than there were about what type of ice creams the kids got. Miguel took it in stride. He thought it was hysterical.

Walker was invested in the game. He was bugging Erika about it too, wanting to see what was showing up on her screen and asking for trades. Erika didn’t seem partial one way or another. They both seemed content and Aaron felt a genuine, unforced smile returning to his face. The fresh air was good. The kids were good.

At some point, Walker took his hand and Aaron ended up wrapping an arm around Erika, still smiling. Louie was investigating everything, always turning back to look up at them for approval before moving on. They made it to the dog park and threw around a ball until Louie was all tuckered out and trailed behind them as they went back to the house.

Aaron was in better spirits. The sun was on his face and he forgot for a while about Idina, but it all came rushing back in the second he stepped indoors. Where was Idina? Was she asleep? Okay? Did she miss him? Did she need him?

She needed him, he was sure, and he’d left. He was—

He had to stop. He was obsessing, just like Idina. Idina could barely mediate herself, she did not need her husband spiralling like her.

“Where’s Dee?” he asked Helen. She was in the kitchen eating with Jane and offered some food to Miguel while motioning towards the living room.  
Aaron sighed when he saw her. She was laying on her back on the couch, changed into a white top and a black past the knees skirt. Her shirt was rolled up and the boys were snoozing on her bare stomach. Lucinda was asleep on her chest under her shirt. She looked so relaxed, smothered in baby, with a knee raised and leaning against the head of the couch and her hand stroking the kids.

She smiled when she saw him. Aaron walked over and brought himself to her level. She was transfixed with Lucinda.

“I’ve been thinking,” she said as she ran her fingers through her daughter’s head of thick black hair. “That we shouldn’t worry about the website because there is nothing we can do about it. And that we don’t really know if Taye's parents actually have a vendetta against the boys or not and he does want to see them so we should let them call at least. They clearly want to see him too and they haven’t been harassing us or anything. I think they’re worried about him. Um, and, also, fuck I forgot.”

“That’s okay.”

“No, umm…” she trailed off, pouting, a lost look on her face. “Fuzz day,” she said. “Everything is there but it has to make it through the fuzz.”  
“It's okay baby,” he said, petting her head and planting a kiss on her cheek.  
“I wanted to say, um, milk… shit.”

“Do you want a glass of milk?”

“No!” she said firmly. “Just let me talk. Sit there and look cute.” He smirked as she continued trying to sort out what she wanted. “I wanted to say, milk. Milk… boobs. Boob milk shit I want to breastfeed the kids once I come off those idiotic pills!” She paused for a moment to regain her composure. “When I get off the pills I don’t want to be on and off new ones until we can get these back. That’s not going to be fun for anyone. I want to figure out how to cope with this mental handicap and I want to breastfeed the triplets because it is what’s best for them and I feel so fucking disconnected from them and there’s nothing I can do to fix it and I know that helped but god I barely remember giving birth to them if Cindy didn’t look so much like you she could have been some random baby you stile from the hospital.” She took a few deep breaths, glaring at nothing. “Oh and I’m sorry about last night I don’t hate you I just want to bash my head against a wall and hope it fixes everything,” she said in the same brash tone.

Aaron waited for her to blow off some steam. “Dee,” he said softly. “If that’s what you want to do that’s what we can do. Now we know more about what’s available and what you can take, and if this is what you think your best option is that’s what we’ll do. You are in control here, it's your brain and your treatment.” He paused for a beat. “What do you remember about the birth?”

“Soren and Zephie, holding them, I remember being in so much pain afterwards that wasn’t normal. I don’t remember what the doctor said I was too focused on other stuff, but I’d assume he said Cindy was coming and after that nothing but flashes. I don’t think there’s anything concrete until around the time we brought them home. Like I remember feeding her, but I don’t remember if that was before or after I got released or before or after they hooked her up to that scary looking machine.” Idina trailed off, dropping her gaze, and looking down at the sleeping baby. She affectionately kissed the girl’s head and brushed a finger across her tiny cheek. “I’m not that mad though I mean I’m sure it was awful anyway. But like she could die and if you never told me I never would have known. Or I could have died and never known about her existence. I don’t know which is more distressing. I still can’t believe we missed a third baby. I can’t believe a lot of things that are happening right now, but they are and I just want normal back.”

“This is our new normal.”

“It’s a sucky normal.”

He kissed her forehead. “This isn’t the time or the place, but I’ll help you clear up whatever you want tonight, okay?”  
She nodded. “How was the walk?”

They talked for what felt like hours. Walker eventually came in and soon the whole family was sitting around the coffee table talking to Idina as she was still transfixed with the three babies on her. Look at how big they were. Could you believe all three of them had been stuck inside her? Thank the lord none of them had been ten pounders. Walker talked his head off, seeking to encourage by his mother’s good mood. Aaron was loose, smiled as his wife fawned over all their children.

* * *

The appointments were next on Idina’s to-do list. If she had one kid, she would have brought the baby with her, but she had three. As much as she wanted to bring the little ones with her she couldn’t because it was too much of a hassle and not fair to everyone else if one of them had a fit all three of them would have a fit. But she wanted to bring them everywhere as she had Walker when he had been this small. They needed time outside and time with their parents. It was Idina’s job to give that to them.

Almost three months in and she was setting them up for failure. She really wanted to bash her head against a wall and if she did not think it would make things worse, she would.

Jane was saying something about how she could drive both Idina and Erika and then they could bring the triplets. People brought babies places all the time. It was a part of life. They were Uber calm right now and by the time they made it to the doctor’s it would be time for their next nap and Soren was already looking sleepy as Idina bounced him on her knee. She couldn’t wait until they were on a better sleeping and eating schedule. Then they would be more fun. And she wouldn’t be so tired.

“Are you nervous?” she asked Erika for the millionth time.

“Should I be?” Erika replied. “Because you’re making me think I should be.”

“No,” Idina replied. She was just nervous on her daughter's behalf for no valid or logical reason.

Erika sat down beside Idina and rested her head on her shoulder. Smiling, Idina put an arm around her. Erika was choosing to sit next to her. Choosing. She wasn’t just making a choice, she was making Idina her choice. Looking at Erika, Idina couldn’t help but sigh contently. Erika was so relaxed, in her face in her shoulders, and she had her eyes closed. She wasn’t stiff. She wasn’t distant. This was her way of saying all the things she wasn’t ready to vocalize. And Idina was there, waiting, and telling her everything was all right and valid.

* * *

Erika needed glasses, but not bad enough she wasn’t allowed to drive. After Idina’s appointment, she was sitting with Jane and triplets while Erika got her full license. The girl was grinning.

Erika had never imagined herself affording college let alone drivers ed. And now she had a licence, something normal, reasonable people had. She still wasn’t sure why she needed glasses, but the optometrist had said she would notice the difference once she had them.

Idina had made her pick out at least three lenses. She claimed that she needed options. Erika was still pretty sure the simple black frames would be fine but shed also chosen a thin gold frame and Idina picked out red-framed glasses. In a week they’d be fitted to her prescription. And Idina was muttering over how much of a waste it was or telling her to get over it. Where had Idina been seventeen years ago? Seventeen years ago wouldn’t have landed her here today, they would be different people. But it never stopped her from wishing her Idina had come along sooner.

She was smiling as she carried Zephyr to the car and double-checked that all three were stopped in safely before crawling into the back of the van where Lucinda was. The baby was wide awake even though she was supposed to be sleeping like her brothers. She was also the only one with a full head of hair. She seemed quite determined not to be like her brothers.

Erika wished Idina would get better. Everyone did. But when she looked at the babies and she knew they were better off than she had been. She just had no Idina how to tell Idina that. There were a lot of words she wanted to say but could barely imagine herself thinking them, let alone speaking them aloud. It would be like jinxing herself. Or maybe she’d scare them off like she had those people when she was four and used “Mom” wanting to know what it would feel like. She’d never imagined she would be crying herself to sleep that night. There were a lot of words that were too dangerous to think in case they slipped out. In case they were just a fantasy in her imagination. So she resorted to being close to them, and their children and imagining the world was perfect.


	82. Chapter 82

It was hard coming off the drugs. Idina was irritable. She’d been told they were more addictive than first expected; however, the small decreases did not seem to be triggering any major withdrawals. She could still feel the difference. Her symptoms were coming back. She was having more bad days. Little things were annoying. Aaron following her around too closely, Walker asking too many questions, Erika just being Erika. She was constantly watching herself and double-checking herself.

Also, she wanted a hysterectomy, or at least to get her tubes tied. She wasn’t going to have another kid. And if her past experiences taught her anything it was that she was hyper fertile, getting pregnant whether it was planned or not. And she was getting nowhere. No doctors wanted to touch her with a thousand-foot pole. Did she have her husband’s approval? Fuck off she was forty-nine and could make her own choices, thank you very much. It seemed she was a bit too emotional to be making this decision right now and they do not want to be liable in a few months when menopause kicked in and she realized she wanted another child or her husband did. She already had three, why would she want more babies? They argued she wouldn’t be thinking that in a few months. She’d clearly cracked once at the idea of going infertile and had a kid and she had always been public about Aaron wanting a kid, now there was nothing she could do to convince anyone he did not want more and if he did that his problem, not hers. 

Then she made a social media rant about it and donated the money she could have used to get the procedure to Planned Parenthood because she did not want it anymore. Fuck everyone was her new motif, one that had her face in a semi-permanent scowl. 

Nothing was going her way. She couldn’t get anywhere with a solid court date to adopt Erika. As much as she wanted one now, she did not want to show up so irrational. Nothing was for certain until they signed the papers. And yet it was not fair to Erika to postpone anything longer than necessary, especially if it gave her relatives more time to decide someone was going to do the dirty work and get the inheritance. Idina still had no idea how much money there was. Carlyle was working like mad trying to get investments and properties appraised and the currencies converted for an estimated sum. He was also trying to get access to the full will but could not. He seemed to think it would be easier if they became Erika’s legal guardians because then he’d be acting on behalf of the beneficiaries. 

The summer was almost over, and it felt like she’d accomplished nothing. She was just so irritated all the time. 

“Mommy?” she heard Walker call out. 

She was in the den, answering emails, trying to figure out how she was supposed to do press with epilepsy. She said she’d still do interviews, but they were saying red carpet or bust. She wanted them to sign papers saying they’d take responsibility for anything medical that might arise from that. They told her she was overreacting. Then she filed no confidence and cited her medical safety clause in her contract. Now they were in a frustrating stalemate and she hated her lawyer. Carlyle didn’t do this type of stuff and he was the only lawyer she wanted to deal with right now.   
Closing the laptop, she beckoned her son in. He sat on her lap and hugged her.

“What’s the wrong Pumpkin?” she asked, hugging him back.

“Nothing,” he said shyly. “I just want a hug.”

Idina smiled and held him tightly. “Feeling better?” she asked.

“Do you still need a hug?”

“Hm, I thought you wanted one little man,” she teased, tickling him.

“Yeah, cause you need a hug so when you don’t need one, I won’t need one,” he replied.

“I still need a hug,” she replied.

“Why don’t you come out and play?” he asked. “We can go to the park again, that was fun when we went last time.” He paused. “Or we could play basketball in the backyard,” he said.

“I need to get some work done,” she said, “but I’ll come out in a little bit, okay Pumpkin?”

“How long's a little bit?” he asked.

“It’s a little bit,” she replied, fully unsure when she would actually be done. 

“But how long?” he insisted.

“I don’t know sweetie,” she replied.

“So you’re most coming out to play,” he said. 

“I never said that,” Idina said softly, trying not to get frustrated with him. 

“But that’s what always happens when you work,” he complained. “Whenever you have to work it's always later and you never spend time with me and now there are more people who you have to spend time with so now you’ll spend less than never a time with me.” 

“Could you give me half an hour?” she caved.

“Really?” he asked, excited. He sat up straight and smiled. “Like an actual half-hour? Can I time it? And then you’ll play outside?”

“Yes Walk, you can time it,” she confirmed. “After thirty minutes I’ll come out.”

He was grinning from ear to ear as he ran off to the kitchen to start the timer as soon as possible. Taye wasn’t around to take him when she was working now. It had always been easier if he was out of the house when she was busy, then he didn’t know and did not feel like she was ignoring him. At least now there were more people in the house. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too lonely. If he were, she’d talk to Aaron about it. It was his duty now. He was stepping up. They both knew spending time with Aaron was never going to be the same as spending time with Idina, but Idina hoped it would at least make things easier for him.

She turned back to her emails, determined to get something done and feel accomplished, resigning herself to the idea that she was going to drop anything, no matter what she was in the middle of.

* * *

The timer went off and she had gotten nowhere. Walker must have been standing outside the door because he was instantly pulling her out of the chair.

“Not so fast buddy,” she said as he almost pulled her over.

“You said you’d play with me,” he huffed. “Please, mom?”

“I will walk,” she said.

“BUT there’s always a but!”

“No, there isn’t,” she said quietly, trying to bring the volume down. “I just don’t want to fall over Walkie, okay? I meant slow down speed wise, that’s it.”

“Oh,” he sighed, looking down sheepishly.

She hugged him. “I want to spend time with you Pumpkin, okay? And it kills me that I can’t all the time because I have to go to the doctors or take care of the triplets. But I always want to spend time with you.”

“Why don’t you quit your job?”

“How do feel about moving into a smaller house with no basketball court?”

“Can we put one in?”

“Not if I quit my job.”

“But I thought we were rich.”

“We are.”

“Then why can’t you quit?”

“Because we live a rich lifestyle. I spend a similar percent of my income keeping the house and putting food on the table. It’s definitely not as much as people who put everything into what they have and I’m able to put away savings, but this house is expensive, and it leaks cool air in the summer. Your basketball court cost money and the permits to pave that much for the backyard were hard to get. How many thousands have I spent on shoes for you?”

“A lot,” he said.

“If I stop work, we can get you fifty-dollar sneakers like all the other kids and you can go to the public school that doesn’t have a little league basketball team. We have a lot, yes, but we also spend a lot and I need to work to keep it up. If you’ll be happier with mommy working less, then we can arrange that, but you can’t have everything. What do like more?”

“Um,” he said, looking everywhere but her face. “I like everything we have…”

“And that’s okay,” she replied, “I want you to, that’s why I’m working so hard.”

“But I want to spend time with you when you’re not asleep or having medical issues.”

“I know, and some of that is on me for not making the time. But it’s never going to be every hour of every day.”

He nodded, making Idina smile. Kids were smarter than people gave them credit for. She always tried to talk things out with Walker instead of getting mad. It was an issue her generation had grown up with, parents who got mad at kids for not being adults and she was determined to break the cycle. She was ashamed of her generation in many ways and wanted to raise Walker to be different. She wanted to raise all her kids to be different, and it started with understanding and empathy. Besides, yelling never got anywhere. It made everyone mad, it increased her stress levels, and it made her baby boy cry.

“I’m doing my best, Walk,” she said. “And I know I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best. All I ask is that you do your best as well.”

“Okay mom,” he said, reaching out to hug her. She picked him up and carried him outside to the patio, his head nestled in the crook of her neck, limbs dangling. He was getting so big. Soon she would not be able to carry him anymore.

Aaron was at the barbecue. He had some skewers going and was roasting pineapple. It smelled amazing. Her stomach grumbled. She kissed his cheek, still rubbing Walker’s back comfortingly. Jane, Helen, and Erika had laced a blanket on the ground and were playing with the triplets. They were all little movers now, fussy, and not wanting to stay still with so much yard to explore. Summer was almost over. She’d be obligated to go back to work, no more postponements when her leave was up, and Walker and Erika would be in school. Aaron and Jane would be taking care of the triplets all day and they might have to call in some additional help as the bigger they got the more they needed one adult per infant. She was aching to be able to feed them again, to be their mother. The special one in their life and have that connection to them. Coming off the drugs wasn’t all bad. She just had to find the silver linings.

“Can we play?” Walker asked impatiently, squirming to be let down. 

“Sure,” she said.

“TAG YOU’RE IT!” he yelled, shoving her into Aaron and dashing towards the treehouse. 

Oh no he didn’t. She charged after him. He made it to the treehouse and up the ladder, but she was on before he was able to pull it up.

“I’m going to tickle you when I catch you!” she teased as she chased him up.

“You can’t catch me, you’re a scaredy-cat!” he exclaimed as he crawled out one of the windows.

“Walk, no,” she said sternly, trying desperately to get up faster.

“I do it all the time, you’re a spoil,” he complained as he lowered himself onto a branch.

“He’ll be fine Dee!” Aaron called from across the yard.

She scowled at her husband but waiting until she was sure her son was jumping before they got off the ladder. She chased him around the yard, around the flower beds, under the trampoline, trying to corner him somewhere but he was nimble and quick and always managed to dodge her. But she had the height advantage and eventually caught up. When Walker noticed his mom was gaining, he beelined to the triplet’s play mat and picked one of them up.

“Baby shield,” he said, shoving Zephyr in his mom’s face.

The baby seemed a bit shocked but otherwise fine. He reached out for his mom, babbling contently. 

“Nu-uh,” Idina said, shaking his head. She had not just chased Walker all that way just for this. “I’ll just have to tickle the both of you,” she said, crossing her arms.

“No!” Walker shrieked, putting Zephyr down and running away. “You can’t catch me!” he teased from over by the basketball net. He climbed the pole.

“You’re too sho-ort!” 

“Oh my god what’s wrong with him,” she moaned aloud to her mom.

“You, honey,” Helen replied sweetly. “He’s your son through and through.”

“Do you think he’ll come down if I just stay here?”

“Did you ever come down if Stephen or I stopped playing?”

“No,” she sighed. “Erika, how keen are you to stand on my shoulders?”

“Um, not very,” she replied.

“Worth a shot,” Idina said.

Walker made faces at her perched on the top. At least she looked stable. His foot was dangling down. Maybe she could get it if she jumped. She walked over, trying not to alert him and...

“Gotcha!” she exclaimed as she tapped his shoe.   
He slid down the pole in seconds and bear tackled her to the grass patch behind the hoop. 

“You’re it again,” he exclaimed with a wide, contagious smile of pure joy. 

Idina shook her head, laughing a bit. She rolled over and punned him down, tickling him.

“Not so fast, there’s the ten-second rule,” she informed him. “And I get to tickle you. Those are rules. Play with mommy and mommy gets to tickle you.”

“I never agreed to this!” he huffed through giggles. “Help me! Erika, Grandma, Aaron, help me!” he called out, trying to get free on his own. No one came to his immediate rescue. Idina was the queen bee. No one messed with her if they knew what was good for them. 

“Erika please!” Walker begged, knowing Idina would let Erika mess with her. Mostly because the star would be so shocked the teen dared to do anything.   
She looked over and Helen seemed to be encouraging in her. The girl looked at Walker with a stern expression that told Idina she was considering it. Helen took baby Soren from her, a definite attempt to get her to go. 

Idina sighed internally. Erika probably wanted to, but she wouldn’t. It was awkward, but it was one of those social boundaries that never broke if no one tried to push them. And Erika would always be scared of pushing boundaries, always scared something she did would break whatever they had, and she’d be alone again. 

“Come on,” Idina encouraged, trying to seem inviting. It was a fair walk, she realized. Maybe it would be less awkward if she did not have to walk across the yard. Or stand up. And have all that premeditation.   
Erika’s attention drifted back to the babies and Idina sighed. It progressed. And she wanted the girl to be more comfortable around the babies anyway, so if she was playing with them it was good. She would bond with them, maybe in a way she wouldn’t with her, or Aaron and it would be something positive for the rest of her life. 

* * *

It was three in the morning and the triplets were sleeping but Idina and Aaron were still awake. Jane had fallen asleep in her room, so it was just the two of them up. They were cuddling on the couch, Idina in a much better mood than she had been for a while.

“Good day?” Aaron asked. 

Idina nodded through a yawn. “First good one in a while,” she replied. 

“Good,” he replied, kissing her forehead. 

“I think we really need to assess if Walk can see his grandparents,” Idina said. “I don’t want to leave him alone with them until we know if Taye's message was bs, but he needs people. We can’t give him all the attention he’s used to. I don’t want him to suffer just because we have the triplets; he'll grow to resent them.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Aaron said. “I do think this is getting to him more than he’s letting on.”

“Me too, and Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t feel bad about replacing Taye. If you think it's better to Walk go ahead. I need to start thinking about what he needs more, it’s killing me to see him getting so worked up all the time.” She kissed his shoulder and laid her head down on his chest. “I just want him to be okay.”

“He will be,” Aaron assured her. “In the end, we all will be.“

“You don’t know that.”

“I have a gut feeling.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“I once had a gut feeling you were the only girl for me when you and Taye broke up that one time and you had revenge sex with every single male you knew. It might have taken over a decade, but I think I was right.”

“If you ever bring that up again, I’ll make sure you’re dead wrong.”

“Noted,” Aaron replied with a chuckle.

“I think we broke it because I wrote a song about him,” she mused. “Chocolaty Boyfriend. He hated it.” She frowned. “He also said I couldn’t write my own music and that obviously wasn’t true. I get some weird satisfaction from imaging someone has a recording of it somewhere that got leaked to YouTube and all the views are him listening to it over and over and over again. Or maybe he can just play I Do over and over again. He can do whatever he wants, I just realized I really don’t care anymore. I was worried for a while being ambivalent it bad, but I just feel so much lighter not caring period.”

“That’s good honey,” Aaron replied, kissing the top of her head again. “I can make some calls tomorrow morning if you want and see if they want to come over and visit Walk. And we can vet them before they get anywhere near Soren and Zeph.”

“I love Soren and Zeph,” she mumbled with a light smile on her lips. 

“Me too.”

Idina yawned again. “I’m pooped,” she said. “I really don’t know how I’m supposed to do red carpet press with the seizures though. There’s not going to be enough time to get off these meds and start seizure ones before September. And that’s assuming we get the first go. And I don’t want to start seizure meds. It’s too much. I need something consistent and I want to do what’s best for the triplets and maybe figure out a bit what my normal is now that I’m not pregnant. Maybe we can figure out how to better treat it if we know what’s going on.” She trailed off but did nothing to indicate she was expecting a response. Aaron checked us to make sure. “No, I was just thinking aloud. So you know what I’m thinking and then we’re on the same page.”

“Want to do some thinking aloud in the bedroom, sleepyhead?”

“Mhmm I don’t wanna move,” she complied.   
“I’ll move you.”

“Well that’s your issue then,” she informed him.  
He lifted her and carried her to their room. She was back to her pre-pregnancy weight for sure, the healthy pre-pregnancy weight. He told her as such as he laid her down on the bed. 

“I don’t see it,” she told him, poking her stomach. Idina pouted. “I still feel out of shape “

“Being skinny and being in shape are two different things,” he reminded her. 

“We should take the triplets out jogging more,” she said. “We didn’t get that stroller for nothing. We also have double and single so that I could take the boys, and you take Cindy. Or vice versa.”

“That would be nice,” he said as he went over to the dresser and pulled out pyjamas. He tossed her a light summer nightgown; one he’d gifted to her after she’d commented about wanting something like it. She’d wanted to sleep with him, but he was acting clueless because she was so adorable when she was flustered, and they were still dating and he hadn’t wanted to let things develop too quickly in case it backfired. 

They both changed then climbed into bed together. He kissed her, then he kissed her neck, nibbling a bit.  
“No,” she said, and he reflexively stopped. “I don’t want to get pregnant again,” she reminded him.

“We’re being safe.”

“Accidents happen and I can’t deal with it,” she told him. “I’m really sorry but until I can get some stupid clinic to pull my organs out I just can’t. And from experience, I’m clearly hyper fertile. I’ve gotten pregnant every time I’ve tried. Even when I wasn’t, so a slip up be very bad.”

“If you want me to sign stuff, I’ll do it,” he replied, knowing her struggles.

“It’s about principle, Aaron. I’m forty-nine and it’s the twenty-first century. I should be allowed to get sterilized without my husband’s approval. I should be able to do it whether I’m married or not or have kids or not. It’s ludicrous.”

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

She shook her head, then looked thoughtful. “You could get a vasectomy! Fuck why didn’t I think of that sooner.”

“Dee…” he said, unsure. It was shocking. He couldn’t quite visualize how he felt.

“What?” she asked calmly, concerned. “It’s perfect. It’ll be easier for you and we don’t have to worry about the anesthesia messing with my meds or my head. I get that it’s a big decision and a big as I know. I’ve had to deal with my biological clock all my life. But Aaron, we are not having more babies. I get that I didn’t have a good follow-through last time I said but I’m serious this time. It’s not going to be good for me physically or mentally. If I get pregnant, it could kill me. . And if I get my tubes tied instead of a full hysterectomy there’s still a very, very small chance that something could still happen and we could end up with an ectopic pregnancy or some other shit that’ll kill me if we don’t pick up on it early enough. I don’t think my body will hold out. But in all likelihood, it would end it another miscarriage and… well, that’s not going to end well.” She paused. “So I don’t want to force you to do anything but that’s my angle.”

He nodded. “Can I think about it?” he asked.

“Yeah, of course,” she replied softly, stroking his cheek. She kissed the corner of his mouth.

* * *

Erika’s glasses came in, and the optometrist was right, she did see a difference She didn’t notice until they were in the car and the horizon was something else. Everything hadn’t been blurry, perse, but there had been a little bit of a glare, a little double, crisp but unviewable. She’d thought it had been normal. She knew it wasn’t. She must have looked amazed because Aaron commented on it, making Idina cackle.

The summer was almost over, and it was definitely the best summer she had ever had. It was a hard summer, she couldn’t lie, but that did not stop it from being the best. Idina was always saying she was sorry she couldn’t get the court date. Erika was never sure it was okay to tell her that she had never cared about the court date. It seemed like a stupid technicality that meant nothing. Nothing stopped parents from giving their legal children up for adoption and nothing would stop them from giving their legally adopted children up for re-adoption.   
She liked sitting beside Idina though and didn’t mind having a baby set in her arms if she was. The babies were cute, and they were babbling all the time. She wondered if they had a secret language as they’d babble to each other. Aaron seemed to think they were just mimicking what they saw everyone else doing. She bounced Zephyr up and down on her knee. He was certainly the most curious. Soren was the calmest and fussiest. Everything had to be just right. Lucinda was a wild card who would one day decide something was no longer fine and make her displease known. 

The baby was griping her pinkie with his full fist and gumming his other hand. She was being careful he didn’t decide her new glasses were a playboy. All three of them loved grabbing anything interesting insight, though maybe they were used to glasses as Jane sometimes wore glasses.

“I think he likes you,” Idina said. “That’s baby death grip,” she said, pointing to Zephyr’s clenched fist. “It’s the ‘I’m gonna take your finger with me if you leave’ grip.”

“I can feel it,” she chuckled. She tickled his cheek and smiled, and Zephyr giggled and looked up at her, awing as he did so. 

Idina didn’t have a baby for once. Soren and Lucinda were with their dad and grandmother, having a blast playfighting Aaron and chasing him around. Louie was staring at them intently from behind the baby gate, tail wagging whenever they got close. He was still too excitable around them and they were too small to know how to play nice, so it was just safer for everyone if they were separated with this high energy.

Idina’s phone rang.

“It’s Nani!” Walker called from across the house. “Can I talk to her, please mom?” he begged, waiving the phone.

“Sure Pumpkin,” Idina called back. “But if she says anything you don’t like you’re allowed to hang up on her, okay?”

“Yes,” he said.

“And you’ve got come in here,” she reminded him.  
Erika wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but she knew there was some bad blood between Idina and Taye’s parents. Of course, there was. But Walker adored them, which meant Idina did too.

“How’s New York?” he asked as he let himself in the gate, using his foot to keep the dog out. He sat down beside Erika and rubbed Zephyr’s head. “That’s so cool! Yeah, we got a new puppy! Well, he’s not technically a puppy but he’s really small...” Walker ranted, going on and on a mile a minute.

Idina reached over and rubbed his back with a supportive smile on her face as he spoke. They sat there for quite some time. Aaron went to the kitchen to start supper while Helen came to the sofa with Lucinda and Soren. Jane came down from the second floor where she’d been taking a nap and sat down on the floor by Idina, taking Soren as she passed and putting him on his mother’s lap, making Idina smile in thanks. 

They talked quietly while Walker ran a marathon catching his grandparents up on everything from his progress on Angry Birds to a blow by blow of his latest basketball game. 

Erika rested her head on Idina's shoulder as she pulled her closer and closed her eyes. Idina rubbed her arm and Erika was at the same time hyper-aware of it and barely notice it at all. She was used to it in an odd turn of events she had never expected and because of that, she was fixated on the fact that Idina did it so effortlessly. Erika could never quite figure out physical contact, what it meant when others did it or what she was supposed to do in a given situation but Idina made it easier and she was fine just letting her do her thing. 

“’ Dina? You okay?” Jane asked.

Erika looked up. Idina had stopped rubbing her arm and looked a bit distant. Walker shushed his grandmother. 

“I’m…” she paused, staring tentatively at nothing. “No, I’m okay, I’m good,” she said after a moment, shaking off whatever spell had taken her. 

“Mom?” Waler asked quietly. 

She turned and smiled at him. “I’m fine baby,” she replied. “Just zoned out for a moment.” She looked down at Soren and cooed at him. 

Erika exhaled and nestled herself against Idina again. She really hoped the star was amazed to find something that helped or found a way to function. She was good on most days, but her bad days were always horrible, and sometimes it felt like there was no in-between, only a prolonged period of things being bad, but not as bad as they could be.

Some things just became normal after a while. Things that to anyone on the outside would seems insane and impossible. At some point, it just became second nature that you don’t remember life before. You don’t remember life before Idina had appointments on the calendar and when silence meant something could be wrong. You learnt terminology you never knew existed and relearnt actions and their meanings and a haze follow you around wherever you go. You learn to talk differently. 

There were a few things Walker was learning that she already knew. How to walk around the house like you weren’t there. How to de-escalate a situation. How to zone out and act like none of it mattered. How to put on a fake face for friends. How to more in doing nothing that you ever could doing something, but

It was hard coming off the drugs. Idina was irritable. She’d been told they were more addictive than first expected; however, the small decreases did not seem to be triggering any major withdrawals. She could still feel the difference. Her symptoms were coming back. She was having more bad days. Little things were annoying. Aaron following her around too closely, Walker asking too many questions, Erika just being Erika. She was constantly watching herself and double-checking herself.

Also, she wanted a hysterectomy, or at least to get her tubes tied. She wasn’t going to have another kid. And if her past experiences taught her anything it was that she was hyper fertile, getting pregnant whether it was planned or not. And she was getting nowhere. No doctors wanted to touch her with a thousand-foot pole. Did she have her husband’s approval? Fuck off she was forty-nine and could make her own choices, thank you very much. It seemed she was a bit too emotional to be making this decision right now and they do not want to be liable in a few months when menopause kicked in and she realized she wanted another child or her husband did. She already had three, why would she want more babies? They argued she wouldn’t be thinking that in a few months. She’d clearly cracked once at the idea of going infertile and had a kid and she had always been public about Aaron wanting a kid, now there was nothing she could do to convince anyone he did not want more and if he did that his problem, not hers. 

Then she made a social media rant about it and donated the money she could have used to get the procedure to Planned Parenthood because she did not want it anymore. Fuck everyone was her new motif, one that had her face in a semi-permanent scowl. 

Nothing was going her way. She couldn’t get anywhere with a solid court date to adopt Erika. As much as she wanted one now, she did not want to show up so irrational. Nothing was for certain until they signed the papers. And yet it was not fair to Erika to postpone anything longer than necessary, especially if it gave her relatives more time to decide someone was going to do the dirty work and get the inheritance. Idina still had no idea how much money there was. Carlyle was working like mad trying to get investments and properties appraised and the currencies converted for an estimated sum. He was also trying to get access to the full will but could not. He seemed to think it would be easier if they became Erika’s legal guardians because then he’d be acting on behalf of the beneficiaries. 

The summer was almost over, and it felt like she’d accomplished nothing. She was just so irritated all the time. 

“Mommy?” she heard Walker call out. 

She was in the den, answering emails, trying to figure out how she was supposed to do press with epilepsy. She said she’d still do interviews, but they were saying red carpet or bust. She wanted them to sign papers saying they’d take responsibility for anything medical that might arise from that. They told her she was overreacting. Then she filed no confidence and cited her medical safety clause in her contract. Now they were in a frustrating stalemate and she hated her lawyer. Carlyle didn’t do this type of stuff and he was the only lawyer she wanted to deal with right now.   
Closing the laptop, she beckoned her son in. He sat on her lap and hugged her.

“What’s the wrong Pumpkin?” she asked, hugging him back.

“Nothing,” he said shyly. “I just want a hug.”

Idina smiled and held him tightly. “Feeling better?” she asked.

“Do you still need a hug?”

“Hm, I thought you wanted one little man,” she teased, tickling him.

“Yeah, cause you need a hug so when you don’t need one, I won’t need one,” he replied.

“I still need a hug,” she replied.

“Why don’t you come out and play?” he asked. “We can go to the park again, that was fun when we went last time.” He paused. “Or we could play basketball in the backyard,” he said.

“I need to get some work done,” she said, “but I’ll come out in a little bit, okay Pumpkin?”

“How long's a little bit?” he asked.

“It’s a little bit,” she replied, fully unsure when she would actually be done. 

“But how long?” he insisted.

“I don’t know sweetie,” she replied.

“So you’re most coming out to play,” he said. 

“I never said that,” Idina said softly, trying not to get frustrated with him. 

“But that’s what always happens when you work,” he complained. “Whenever you have to work it's always later and you never spend time with me and now there are more people who you have to spend time with so now you’ll spend less than never a time with me.” 

“Could you give me half an hour?” she caved.

“Really?” he asked, excited. He sat up straight and smiled. “Like an actual half-hour? Can I time it? And then you’ll play outside?”

“Yes Walk, you can time it,” she confirmed. “After thirty minutes I’ll come out.”

He was grinning from ear to ear as he ran off to the kitchen to start the timer as soon as possible. Taye wasn’t around to take him when she was working now. It had always been easier if he was out of the house when she was busy, then he didn’t know and did not feel like she was ignoring him. At least now there were more people in the house. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too lonely. If he were, she’d talk to Aaron about it. It was his duty now. He was stepping up. They both knew spending time with Aaron was never going to be the same as spending time with Idina, but Idina hoped it would at least make things easier for him.

She turned back to her emails, determined to get something done and feel accomplished, resigning herself to the idea that she was going to drop anything, no matter what she was in the middle of.

* * *

The timer went off and she had gotten nowhere. Walker must have been standing outside the door because he was instantly pulling her out of the chair.

“Not so fast buddy,” she said as he almost pulled her over.

“You said you’d play with me,” he huffed. “Please, mom?”

“I will walk,” she said.

“BUT there’s always a but!”

“No, there isn’t,” she said quietly, trying to bring the volume down. “I just don’t want to fall over Walkie, okay? I meant slow down speed wise, that’s it.”

“Oh,” he sighed, looking down sheepishly.

She hugged him. “I want to spend time with you Pumpkin, okay? And it kills me that I can’t all the time because I have to go to the doctors or take care of the triplets. But I always want to spend time with you.”

“Why don’t you quit your job?”

“How do feel about moving into a smaller house with no basketball court?”

“Can we put one in?”

“Not if I quit my job.”

“But I thought we were rich.”

“We are.”

“Then why can’t you quit?”

“Because we live a rich lifestyle. I spend a similar percent of my income keeping the house and putting food on the table. It’s definitely not as much as people who put everything into what they have and I’m able to put away savings, but this house is expensive, and it leaks cool air in the summer. Your basketball court cost money and the permits to pave that much for the backyard were hard to get. How many thousands have I spent on shoes for you?”

“A lot,” he said.

“If I stop work, we can get you fifty-dollar sneakers like all the other kids and you can go to the public school that doesn’t have a little league basketball team. We have a lot, yes, but we also spend a lot and I need to work to keep it up. If you’ll be happier with mommy working less, then we can arrange that, but you can’t have everything. What do like more?”

“Um,” he said, looking everywhere but her face. “I like everything we have…”

“And that’s okay,” she replied, “I want you to, that’s why I’m working so hard.”

“But I want to spend time with you when you’re not asleep or having medical issues.”

“I know, and some of that is on me for not making the time. But it’s never going to be every hour of every day.”

He nodded, making Idina smile. Kids were smarter than people gave them credit for. She always tried to talk things out with Walker instead of getting mad. It was an issue her generation had grown up with, parents who got mad at kids for not being adults and she was determined to break the cycle. She was ashamed of her generation in many ways and wanted to raise Walker to be different. She wanted to raise all her kids to be different, and it started with understanding and empathy. Besides, yelling never got anywhere. It made everyone mad, it increased her stress levels, and it made her baby boy cry.

“I’m doing my best, Walk,” she said. “And I know I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best. All I ask is that you do your best as well.”

“Okay mom,” he said, reaching out to hug her. She picked him up and carried him outside to the patio, his head nestled in the crook of her neck, limbs dangling. He was getting so big. Soon she would not be able to carry him anymore.

Aaron was at the barbecue. He had some skewers going and was roasting pineapple. It smelled amazing. Her stomach grumbled. She kissed his cheek, still rubbing Walker’s back comfortingly. Jane, Helen, and Erika had laced a blanket on the ground and were playing with the triplets. They were all little movers now, fussy, and not wanting to stay still with so much yard to explore. Summer was almost over. She’d be obligated to go back to work, no more postponements when her leave was up, and Walker and Erika would be in school. Aaron and Jane would be taking care of the triplets all day and they might have to call in some additional help as the bigger they got the more they needed one adult per infant. She was aching to be able to feed them again, to be their mother. The special one in their life and have that connection to them. Coming off the drugs wasn’t all bad. She just had to find the silver linings.

“Can we play?” Walker asked impatiently, squirming to be let down. 

“Sure,” she said.

“TAG YOU’RE IT!” he yelled, shoving her into Aaron and dashing towards the treehouse. 

Oh no he didn’t. She charged after him. He made it to the treehouse and up the ladder, but she was on before he was able to pull it up.

“I’m going to tickle you when I catch you!” she teased as she chased him up.

“You can’t catch me, you’re a scaredy-cat!” he exclaimed as he crawled out one of the windows.

“Walk, no,” she said sternly, trying desperately to get up faster.

“I do it all the time, you’re a spoil,” he complained as he lowered himself onto a branch.

“He’ll be fine Dee!” Aaron called from across the yard.

She scowled at her husband but waiting until she was sure her son was jumping before they got off the ladder. She chased him around the yard, around the flower beds, under the trampoline, trying to corner him somewhere but he was nimble and quick and always managed to dodge her. But she had the height advantage and eventually caught up. When Walker noticed his mom was gaining, he beelined to the triplet’s play mat and picked one of them up.

“Baby shield,” he said, shoving Zephyr in his mom’s face.

The baby seemed a bit shocked but otherwise fine. He reached out for his mom, babbling contently. 

“Nu-uh,” Idina said, shaking his head. She had not just chased Walker all that way just for this. “I’ll just have to tickle the both of you,” she said, crossing her arms.

“No!” Walker shrieked, putting Zephyr down and running away. “You can’t catch me!” he teased from over by the basketball net. He climbed the pole.

“You’re too sho-ort!” 

“Oh my god what’s wrong with him,” she moaned aloud to her mom.

“You, honey,” Helen replied sweetly. “He’s your son through and through.”

“Do you think he’ll come down if I just stay here?”

“Did you ever come down if Stephen or I stopped playing?”

“No,” she sighed. “Erika, how keen are you to stand on my shoulders?”

“Um, not very,” she replied.

“Worth a shot,” Idina said.

Walker made faces at her perched on the top. At least she looked stable. His foot was dangling down. Maybe she could get it if she jumped. She walked over, trying not to alert him and...

“Gotcha!” she exclaimed as she tapped his shoe.   
He slid down the pole in seconds and bear tackled her to the grass patch behind the hoop. 

“You’re it again,” he exclaimed with a wide, contagious smile of pure joy. 

Idina shook her head, laughing a bit. She rolled over and punned him down, tickling him.

“Not so fast, there’s the ten-second rule,” she informed him. “And I get to tickle you. Those are rules. Play with mommy and mommy gets to tickle you.”

“I never agreed to this!” he huffed through giggles. “Help me! Erika, Grandma, Aaron, help me!” he called out, trying to get free on his own. No one came to his immediate rescue. Idina was the queen bee. No one messed with her if they knew what was good for them. 

“Erika please!” Walker begged, knowing Idina would let Erika mess with her. Mostly because the star would be so shocked the teen dared to do anything.   
She looked over and Helen seemed to be encouraging in her. The girl looked at Walker with a stern expression that told Idina she was considering it. Helen took baby Soren from her, a definite attempt to get her to go. 

Idina sighed internally. Erika probably wanted to, but she wouldn’t. It was awkward, but it was one of those social boundaries that never broke if no one tried to push them. And Erika would always be scared of pushing boundaries, always scared something she did would break whatever they had, and she’d be alone again. 

“Come on,” Idina encouraged, trying to seem inviting. It was a fair walk, she realized. Maybe it would be less awkward if she did not have to walk across the yard. Or stand up. And have all that premeditation.   
Erika’s attention drifted back to the babies and Idina sighed. It progressed. And she wanted the girl to be more comfortable around the babies anyway, so if she was playing with them it was good. She would bond with them, maybe in a way she wouldn’t with her, or Aaron and it would be something positive for the rest of her life. 

* * *

It was three in the morning and the triplets were sleeping but Idina and Aaron were still awake. Jane had fallen asleep in her room, so it was just the two of them up. They were cuddling on the couch, Idina in a much better mood than she had been for a while.

“Good day?” Aaron asked. 

Idina nodded through a yawn. “First good one in a while,” she replied. 

“Good,” he replied, kissing her forehead. 

“I think we really need to assess if Walk can see his grandparents,” Idina said. “I don’t want to leave him alone with them until we know if Taye's message was bs, but he needs people. We can’t give him all the attention he’s used to. I don’t want him to suffer just because we have the triplets; he'll grow to resent them.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Aaron said. “I do think this is getting to him more than he’s letting on.”

“Me too, and Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t feel bad about replacing Taye. If you think it's better to Walk go ahead. I need to start thinking about what he needs more, it’s killing me to see him getting so worked up all the time.” She kissed his shoulder and laid her head down on his chest. “I just want him to be okay.”

“He will be,” Aaron assured her. “In the end, we all will be.“

“You don’t know that.”

“I have a gut feeling.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“I once had a gut feeling you were the only girl for me when you and Taye broke up that one time and you had revenge sex with every single male you knew. It might have taken over a decade, but I think I was right.”

“If you ever bring that up again, I’ll make sure you’re dead wrong.”

“Noted,” Aaron replied with a chuckle.

“I think we broke it because I wrote a song about him,” she mused. “Chocolaty Boyfriend. He hated it.” She frowned. “He also said I couldn’t write my own music and that obviously wasn’t true. I get some weird satisfaction from imaging someone has a recording of it somewhere that got leaked to YouTube and all the views are him listening to it over and over and over again. Or maybe he can just play I Do over and over again. He can do whatever he wants, I just realized I really don’t care anymore. I was worried for a while being ambivalent it bad, but I just feel so much lighter not caring period.”

“That’s good honey,” Aaron replied, kissing the top of her head again. “I can make some calls tomorrow morning if you want and see if they want to come over and visit Walk. And we can vet them before they get anywhere near Soren and Zeph.”

“I love Soren and Zeph,” she mumbled with a light smile on her lips. 

“Me too.”

Idina yawned again. “I’m pooped,” she said. “I really don’t know how I’m supposed to do red carpet press with the seizures though. There’s not going to be enough time to get off these meds and start seizure ones before September. And that’s assuming we get the first go. And I don’t want to start seizure meds. It’s too much. I need something consistent and I want to do what’s best for the triplets and maybe figure out a bit what my normal is now that I’m not pregnant. Maybe we can figure out how to better treat it if we know what’s going on.” She trailed off but did nothing to indicate she was expecting a response. Aaron checked us to make sure. “No, I was just thinking aloud. So you know what I’m thinking and then we’re on the same page.”

“Want to do some thinking aloud in the bedroom, sleepyhead?”

“Mhmm I don’t wanna move,” she complied.   
“I’ll move you.”

“Well that’s your issue then,” she informed him.  
He lifted her and carried her to their room. She was back to her pre-pregnancy weight for sure, the healthy pre-pregnancy weight. He told her as such as he laid her down on the bed. 

“I don’t see it,” she told him, poking her stomach. Idina pouted. “I still feel out of shape “

“Being skinny and being in shape are two different things,” he reminded her. 

“We should take the triplets out jogging more,” she said. “We didn’t get that stroller for nothing. We also have double and single so that I could take the boys, and you take Cindy. Or vice versa.”

“That would be nice,” he said as he went over to the dresser and pulled out pyjamas. He tossed her a light summer nightgown; one he’d gifted to her after she’d commented about wanting something like it. She’d wanted to sleep with him, but he was acting clueless because she was so adorable when she was flustered, and they were still dating and he hadn’t wanted to let things develop too quickly in case it backfired. 

They both changed then climbed into bed together. He kissed her, then he kissed her neck, nibbling a bit.  
“No,” she said, and he reflexively stopped. “I don’t want to get pregnant again,” she reminded him.

“We’re being safe.”

“Accidents happen and I can’t deal with it,” she told him. “I’m really sorry but until I can get some stupid clinic to pull my organs out I just can’t. And from experience, I’m clearly hyper fertile. I’ve gotten pregnant every time I’ve tried. Even when I wasn’t, so a slip up be very bad.”

“If you want me to sign stuff, I’ll do it,” he replied, knowing her struggles.

“It’s about principle, Aaron. I’m forty-nine and it’s the twenty-first century. I should be allowed to get sterilized without my husband’s approval. I should be able to do it whether I’m married or not or have kids or not. It’s ludicrous.”

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

She shook her head, then looked thoughtful. “You could get a vasectomy! Fuck why didn’t I think of that sooner.”

“Dee…” he said, unsure. It was shocking. He couldn’t quite visualize how he felt.

“What?” she asked calmly, concerned. “It’s perfect. It’ll be easier for you and we don’t have to worry about the anesthesia messing with my meds or my head. I get that it’s a big decision and a big as I know. I’ve had to deal with my biological clock all my life. But Aaron, we are not having more babies. I get that I didn’t have a good follow-through last time I said but I’m serious this time. It’s not going to be good for me physically or mentally. If I get pregnant, it could kill me. . And if I get my tubes tied instead of a full hysterectomy there’s still a very, very small chance that something could still happen and we could end up with an ectopic pregnancy or some other shit that’ll kill me if we don’t pick up on it early enough. I don’t think my body will hold out. But in all likelihood, it would end it another miscarriage and… well, that’s not going to end well.” She paused. “So I don’t want to force you to do anything but that’s my angle.”

He nodded. “Can I think about it?” he asked.

“Yeah, of course,” she replied softly, stroking his cheek. She kissed the corner of his mouth.

Erika’s glasses came in, and the optometrist was right, she did see a difference She didn’t notice until they were in the car and the horizon was something else. Everything hadn’t been blurry, perse, but there had been a little bit of a glare, a little double, crisp but unviewable. She’d thought it had been normal. She knew it wasn’t. She must have looked amazed because Aaron commented on it, making Idina cackle.

The summer was almost over, and it was definitely the best summer she had ever had. It was a hard summer, she couldn’t lie, but that did not stop it from being the best. Idina was always saying she was sorry she couldn’t get the court date. Erika was never sure it was okay to tell her that she had never cared about the court date. It seemed like a stupid technicality that meant nothing. Nothing stopped parents from giving their legal children up for adoption and nothing would stop them from giving their legally adopted children up for re-adoption.   
She liked sitting beside Idina though and didn’t mind having a baby set in her arms if she was. The babies were cute, and they were babbling all the time. She wondered if they had a secret language as they’d babble to each other. Aaron seemed to think they were just mimicking what they saw everyone else doing. She bounced Zephyr up and down on her knee. He was certainly the most curious. Soren was the calmest and fussiest. Everything had to be just right. Lucinda was a wild card who would one day decide something was no longer fine and make her displease known. 

The baby was griping her pinkie with his full fist and gumming his other hand. She was being careful he didn’t decide her new glasses were a playboy. All three of them loved grabbing anything interesting insight, though maybe they were used to glasses as Jane sometimes wore glasses.

“I think he likes you,” Idina said. “That’s baby death grip,” she said, pointing to Zephyr’s clenched fist. “It’s the ‘I’m gonna take your finger with me if you leave’ grip.”

“I can feel it,” she chuckled. She tickled his cheek and smiled, and Zephyr giggled and looked up at her, awing as he did so. 

Idina didn’t have a baby for once. Soren and Lucinda were with their dad and grandmother, having a blast playfighting Aaron and chasing him around. Louie was staring at them intently from behind the baby gate, tail wagging whenever they got close. He was still too excitable around them and they were too small to know how to play nice, so it was just safer for everyone if they were separated with this high energy.

Idina’s phone rang.

“It’s Nani!” Walker called from across the house. “Can I talk to her, please mom?” he begged, waiving the phone.

“Sure Pumpkin,” Idina called back. “But if she says anything you don’t like you’re allowed to hang up on her, okay?”

“Yes,” he said.

“And you’ve got come in here,” she reminded him.  
Erika wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but she knew there was some bad blood between Idina and Taye’s parents. Of course, there was. But Walker adored them, which meant Idina did too.

“How’s New York?” he asked as he let himself in the gate, using his foot to keep the dog out. He sat down beside Erika and rubbed Zephyr’s head. “That’s so cool! Yeah, we got a new puppy! Well, he’s not technically a puppy but he’s really small...” Walker ranted, going on and on a mile a minute.

Idina reached over and rubbed his back with a supportive smile on her face as he spoke. They sat there for quite some time. Aaron went to the kitchen to start supper while Helen came to the sofa with Lucinda and Soren. Jane came down from the second floor where she’d been taking a nap and sat down on the floor by Idina, taking Soren as she passed and putting him on his mother’s lap, making Idina smile in thanks. 

They talked quietly while Walker ran a marathon catching his grandparents up on everything from his progress on Angry Birds to a blow by blow of his latest basketball game. 

Erika rested her head on Idina's shoulder as she pulled her closer and closed her eyes. Idina rubbed her arm and Erika was at the same time hyper-aware of it and barely notice it at all. She was used to it in an odd turn of events she had never expected and because of that, she was fixated on the fact that Idina did it so effortlessly. Erika could never quite figure out physical contact, what it meant when others did it or what she was supposed to do in a given situation but Idina made it easier and she was fine just letting her do her thing. 

“’ Dina? You okay?” Jane asked.

Erika looked up. Idina had stopped rubbing her arm and looked a bit distant. Walker shushed his grandmother. 

“I’m…” she paused, staring tentatively at nothing. “No, I’m okay, I’m good,” she said after a moment, shaking off whatever spell had taken her. 

“Mom?” Waler asked quietly. 

She turned and smiled at him. “I’m fine baby,” she replied. “Just zoned out for a moment.” She looked down at Soren and cooed at him. 

Erika exhaled and nestled herself against Idina again. She really hoped the star was amazed to find something that helped or found a way to function. She was good on most days, but her bad days were always horrible, and sometimes it felt like there was no in-between, only a prolonged period of things being bad, but not as bad as they could be.

Some things just became normal after a while. Things that to anyone on the outside would seems insane and impossible. At some point, it just became second nature that you don’t remember life before. You don’t remember life before Idina had appointments on the calendar and when silence meant something could be wrong. You learnt terminology you never knew existed and relearnt actions and their meanings and a haze follow you around wherever you go. You learn to talk differently. 

There were a few things Walker was learning that she already knew. How to walk around the house like you weren’t there. How to de-escalate a situation. How to zone out and act like none of it mattered. How to put on a fake face for friends. How to more in doing nothing that you ever could doing something, but most of all how to not be okay and still somehow muddle through. 

She figured this is what it meant to care about someone. She still wasn’t sure she got the appeal. But she knew either way she was stuck.


	83. Chapter 83

_I_ dina had been fully off the drugs for two days and her body hated her. Her hands were shaking, and her vision was blurry, and she felt very, very nauseous. It would have been okay only today, less than a week before school started up, Idina and Aaron were meeting with Florence and Carlyle to try and strongarm themselves a court date. It was later today and she was desperately trying to pull herself together. If they managed to try and appeal Idina needed to be stable, not acting like a drug addict.

“Dee, it’ll be better if you calm down,” Aaron told her.

She was sitting at the island, unable to even pour herself a cup of coffee. Aaron did it for her and kissed her forehead.

“You’ll get through this,” he comforted, “the doctors said it might be like this for a week.”

“I thought I was spending all this time getting off them not to go into withdrawal,” she moaned. “You’re positive we don’t have pills left over, right?”

“I flushed them all honey,” he reassured. He rubbed her back.

“Ugh I need to do something!” she moaned. “I feel, I don’t know like there’s electricity running through me. Like all my neuroses are coming back.”

“Will pacing help?”

“That’ll worry Walk,” she said. “I need to take the edge off,” she said. “God I wish we had booze.”

“We do,” he reminded her. “But you don’t want to show up drunk, I don’t want you getting dependent on alcohol, and most of it is wine so I don’t believe you’ll be able to get close to the glass.”

She swore and pouted, taking a sip of her burning coffee. The pain at least gave her something to focus on for a fleeting second.

They heard Walker coming down the stairs.

“Hey baby,” Idina said with a smile.

“Morning,” he said as he trudged over to the fridge, hair unkempt. He was still in his blue PJs, the pant legs caught under his heels.

He pulled out some leftovers and stuck them in the microwave before coming to the island and curling up in his mother’s lap.

“You feel okay?” she asked, rubbing his back and he hugged her.

“I love you, mommy,” he said.

Something in his voice sobered her up very quickly. She hugged him and looked up to Aaron who seemed to be as clueless as her. He came over and rubbed the boy’s back, crouching down to be on their level.

“I love you too, baby,” she responded. “Is something wrong Pumpkin?”

He hugged her tightly. Idina ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his temple. She asked him again what was wrong, and he balled her shirt into his clenched fists and said nothing. So she just held him and hoped he would eventually tell her what was wrong.   
After a few minutes, she was sure he was crying. Idina has him sit up and she wiped his eyes.

“It’s okay Walk,” she whispered. “You can tell mommy what’s wrong.”

Walker sniffled a bit. “I don’t want to go to school,” he explained.

“There’s no school today honey,” she said.

Walker shook his head and hugged her again. “I don’t want to go,” he said.

“Why not?” Aaron asked. Idina looked at him lovingly. He knew what to say when she didn’t.

“Because I don’t. Want. To,” the boy clarified.

“Well that’s not a good reason Walk, so you’ll have to come up with another one.”

Idina felt the boy squeeze her tighter.

“I’m here Walkie, baby,” she comforted. “You can tell mommy anything.”

“I don’t want to go,” he mumbled. “I don’t want to leave you,” he clarified.   
“But you leave before, for basketball or to play with friends.”

“But that’s only a few hours, I don’t want to be gone all day.”

“Nothing bad’s going to happen Walk,” Aaron said. “I promise.”

“You can’t promise that,” the boy mumbled, clinging to Idina.

“Why are you worried about this new baby?” Idina cooed, petting him, and trying her best to comfort him.

“I had a bad dream,” he mumbled into her shoulder, wiping his tears on her shirt.

“It was just a dream,” she said.

“I know, but it made me scared.”

She hugged him again and pulled Aaron in, telling her baby boy that everything was going to be okay and that there was nothing to worry about.

“But what if something happens to you when I’m at school?” he asked quietly. “I love you mommy I don’t want you to die.”

“I’m not going to die, Walk, okay?” She tried to get the boy to look at her. “Look at me baby, mom’s not going to die. I’m going to be alright sweetie, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about now.”

“But… but what if you start new drugs and they hurt your brain?”

“I’m not going to start new drugs honey. I don’t want to.”

“But what if something else happens.”

“Walk, baby, anything can happen. A meteorite could fall on the house while you’re at school and--"

“Will it?” he asked in a panic. “Should we move? I don’t want you to die, mom!”

“Hey Walk,” Aaron said, trying to get the boy’s attention. “Nothing bad is going to happen to Dee while you’re away. I’m going to be here and so will Jane. And Grandma’s going to be stopping by once in a while and so will my sisters. There will more than enough people to look after your mom.”

“But what if something happens and no one tells me and I can’t say goodbye?” he asked, tears starting to flow again. “I don’t want mommy to die.”

“Mommy’s not going to die.”

“You don’t know that!” He started bawling and pushed Aaron away, clinging to Idina. “Don’t make me go, mommy, please. Can I be homeschooled? I’ll come on all your tours I promise please mommy I don’t want to go.”

“Walk…”

“NO!” He yelled.

Seconds later a wail came from upstairs. Erika came down to tell them the triplets were crying.

“What’s wrong?” she asked when she saw them.

Walker ran to her and hugged her tightly. “Mommy’s going to die,” he sobbed.

Erika looked at them, a bit confused. Her hands were up and they could see she was trying to figure out what to do, whether to hug Walker back or give him space.

“No, I’m not Walker,” she said getting up and walking over to them. She pets Walker and hugged them both with her other arm, encouraging Erika to hug him. He seemed to respond well to that, squeezing the girl tighter. She seemed to clue in that boy wanted to be picked up and when she did so he hugged her around the shoulders and neck. Idina rubbed his back and tried to calm him down.

She coaxed Erika over to the couch and they sat down, Walker still giving his mother the cold shoulder while Aaron disappeared upstairs to help with the triplets.

“What happened in the dream baby?” Idina asked.

Walker rubbed his eyes. “I went to school and you died and we never got to say goodbye and heaven you hated me because I said mean things before we left and you spent the whole time in the hospital hoping id come but the teacher wouldn’t let me out and then everyone hated me because I had the pills you needed and if I’d given them to you then you wouldn’t have died.”   
“It was just a dream honey, it’s not real.”

“But it could be,” he sniffled. “You could get hurt more and I love you, mom.”

“Oh I know baby mommy loves you too,” she said. “But we can’t live life scared of what might happen. Think about it, there are a million things that can go wrong, but they don’t all go wrong. Just because something might happen doesn’t mean it will.”

“But you having something happen is more likely to you than a meteor falling,” he huffed.

“But that doesn’t mean it will happen,” she reminded him.

“But what if something does?”

“Then we will deal with it then Pumpkin. There’s no point worrying about it now Walk. And I’m going to be ok."

“You don’t know that.”

“And you don’t know that I won’t be. Pumpkin, baby, everything is going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now but I’m fighting to make sure that it will be.”

“Promise?” he asked, warming up to her and hugging her.

“Yeah Walkie, I promise, Kay? Mommy promises.”

“Okay,” Walker said after a moment. “But if I’m right I’m going to hate Aaron forever. Because he said he’s gonna look after you and you don’t want me to hate him so it gets both of you.”   
“That’s fair baby,” she sighed, kissing his brow. “It’s completely alright. “ She pulled both kids into a hug. “You I love both of you very much, right?"

“Yes,” they both said.

She sat there with them until Aaron came down carrying a baby. “He seems to want his mom,” Aaron said, placing Soren in her arms.

He was crying; his hungry cry. Aaron got her a bottle and she started feeding him, humming subconsciously. She hesitated when she recollected that Walker despised it.

“Why'd you stop?” he asked.

She smiled and proceeded as Soren ate and Helen and Jane carried the other two babies down, both of them ready for food as well. They all on the couch nurturing the three babies who were not the bosses of the household.

* * *

Idina had managed to pull together enough to get a court date. She was elated. Positively ecstatic. Now it just had to go through without Erika's relatives or anyone else intervening. She was hesitant to even tell Jane, even though her nanny and nanny's entire family has signed NDAs stating they would not even talk about where their daughter, sister, or mother was working. She admired Jane so much and trusted her, she had to. Jane was looking after her literal babies too young to understand that they had to stop crying if they wanted something.   
When they got back, Walker was face timing with his grandparents. She smiled. He was beaming, showing them art projects. They were cooing over it and him, giving him all the attention he was craving.

“Hi, Idina,” Jeffris said when he saw her.

Idina waved back, hanging her raincoat up and picking up the dog who was ramming into her legs demanding attention. She said hi to Marcia as well, trying to amicable for her son’s sake. It shouldn’t be as hard as it was. Her and Taye had been amicable after everything, there was no reason why she couldn’t be civil with Marcia and Jeffris. They had not done anything the thing to her. And besides, they made Walker feel better and gods knew he needed some extra support and cheering up. There were only so many regular sessions with Snow and constant reassurance could do. She hoped once school started it would give him the stability and distraction he needed.

She went over a rustled his hair, smiling and holding the pup.

“This is Louie,” Walker said. “See, he’s a Westie, which is even worse than Sammy who looked like Toto. And Louie kinda looks like an albino Toto.”

“That’s interesting Walk,” Marcia said.   
“Yeah,” he replied.

“How was your afternoon Idina?” Marcia asked.

“Did you get the date?” Walked asked.

“Date for what?” Jeffris asked.

“Adopting Erika!” the boy exclaimed before Idina could stop him. She was delighted he was excited, however, she did not want this getting out. If she did it quietly, maybe it would happen without some crazies trying to sabotage it.

“Oh you’re going through with it,” Marcia noted.

“She’s gonna be my big sister.”

“Well isn’t that lovely Walk,” Jeffris said. “It is, isn’t it Marcia?”

“Oh, yes it is,” Taye's mother said with a smile. Idina wasn’t buying it.

“You know she saved Walk from a bus, right,” Idina pointed out.

“You should have been watching him better in the first place,” Marcia retorted instantly. The room went silent. Idina turned off Walker’s tablet without another word.

“Mom?”

“Go to your room please baby, mommy needs to have a grown-up talk with Nani right now.”

“Nani likes Erika, right?” he asked.

“I’m sure she does Pumpkin. Can you go upstairs, please?”

The boy nodded and did what he was told. With Aaron supporting her and holding her she tried to call them but they didn’t pick up. She sent them a text letting them know Erika was a part of the family and there was nothing they could do about it. They did not have to acknowledge her as their granddaughter but they had to understand she was important to Walker and important to her.   
Then she took a breather, her hands shaking. Screw the meds. Everyone told her she’d be clean in a week or so. It was taking too long. The Advil was wearing off and she felt like she has a massive hangover. Aaron directed her to sleep on the couch so he could monitor her while making supper. She only did so after checking on everyone in the house and after getting Walker to agree to cuddle with her because she felt awful for the morning.

* * *

Press was brutal. The company was giving her no mercy. She woke up to three crying babies, cared for them, then soothed her eldest son who was still terrified something bad would happen to mommy while he was away. She went to every interview escorted by her security guards wearing blackout glasses so that the paparazzi wouldn’t trigger a seizure which had lead to mounds of online conjecture and commentary she was not in the mindset to deal with.

Everyone asked her about her epilepsy. It was the most interesting thing she was willing to talk about. That and how adorable cute her newborns were because they were. They were bloody adorable. Chubby cheeked, babbly, and giddy they easily made her day when she came back in time to pick Walker up from school and were ready to play before she had to leave to fetch their brother. They had more and more energy every day.

Idina was worried that Lucinda was still so much smaller than her brothers. The pediatrician said there was nothing wrong with her development. She was just a small baby and would probably be a small person. They could try growth hormones, but unless a problem presented itself, it was not worth the risk. Lucinda was going to be her little one it seemed. She certainly had a big personality to make up for her size.

Idina found it hard not to share too many photos and gush over them. As much as did not want them on the internet, they were just so gosh darn perfect. She had taken one new photo of the three of them she brought to every press conference and had resigned herself to not releasing anything new. They were at four pictures, averaging one a month. There were almost as many official baby photos of the triplets as there were Walker for his entire toddler life. She needed to calm down a bit. She decided nothing until Halloween, and even then she told Aaron not to let her post it. Maybe she was getting sentimental in her old age. She needed to remember how goddam large her following was now and how many creeps could look at her precious little angels.

Her milk was coming back and her breasts were swelling and painful. She had just gotten it tested to make sure there was no leftover toxicity and was on her nursing vitamins again. Her episodes were coming back, light spells of confusion and memory loss but as she did her best to stay stress-free there no hard-core episodes. Idina intended to keep it that way.

And of course, the more perverted interviewers commented on it in the most distasteful ways imaginable. It took all her self control not to slap them.

She was currently nursing her little vampire, rocking back and forth in her chair. Lucinda almost always needed to be fed at the same time as her brothers but Soren seemed to like Idina enough to wait to be fed. He was certainly fussy when his time came, but he would grab onto her in such a way that made her heart swell as he stared up at her with those big green eyes.

The court date was ever approaching and Idina tried not to think of it, worried it would somehow get out if she thought of it too much and get ruined. It was going to go through. It had to. Everything was going to turn out alright.

Zephyr finished and she handed traded boys with Aaron. Soren of course, decided having a little fit about how hungry he was would be better than latching on and having something to eat, but after a good ten minutes he started feeding, his hands lightly grazing her breasts as he did with his bottle. She rubbed his palm and cooed at him, humming a tune and heard on the radio. He suckled away contently.   
Idina felt bonded with her children again. They were hers again. She stroked the baby lovingly. It was so nice to be back. Angelika said her baby blues was most likely gone now and most likely worsened by the meds. She still had to be careful. Her heart was going to explode now. Everything was worth it for these, little guys. Or maybe not. She still wasn’t sure. She still couldn’t look at Erika and tell her that getting beat up was okay. She couldn’t look at fifteen years old Cara and say that either. Because it wasn’t. But she was here, and she okay now and she could not change the past.

His hair was coming in. It was so light and fuzzy. She was already planning on saving their first hair cut. She was planning so many first.

“Dee, are you okay?” Aaron asked, still trying to burp Zephyr.

She nodded. She had been crying. “Happy tears,” she told him.

He smiled and kissed her temple. “You deserve some happy tears love,” he replied.

Soren finished nursing and she sighed in relief, the pressure gone for the next few hours. She raised him and burped him, signing the burpy baby song she and Aaron had authored.

She placed Soren against her bare chest. She was still doing skin to skin with them and it was magical. They did with Aaron too, much to Idina's delight. They’d lay around shirtless, cuddling their little bundles of joy and teasing each other. Shirtless Aaron was a good Aaron. It helped them bond as well. And a new her hormones were at play, helping to create the connection that would last a lifetime and similar for the triplets, that’s why she insisted Aaron do it too. He might not be running high on baby hormones but the babies would still get something from it, not to mention even as adults, skin to skin contact resulted in bonding. Even just cuddling. And they wanted to give these babies the best life had to offer and that started here at home in their most important months. Not to mention the absence of the drugs was helping her connect better. She knew she could not get the time spent on the back, but she could at least make up for it.

* * *

Walker’s eleventh birthday ended up being a letdown. They decided on a location party so that Jane and Helen could take care of the triplets in the house with the help of Aaron's sister, Ramona. They set up in a rented outdoor venue with bouncy castles, hay bales, and a paved strip to play basketball. It was all going well until Idina had an episode mid cake cutting.

She has been aware enough to try and hide it but found herself getting increasingly panicked as her awareness of the situation diminished. Walker noticed and quickly called the party off midway through the cake and what was supposed to be a day all about her little boy turned into a day about her as they tried to stop her panic attack and subsequent ones when she realized she wasn’t entirely sure she knew who any of them were. She spent the rest of the day huddled in a ball on the couch, only able to be comforted by her mother who was the only familiar face.

Her breasts hurt. Her mom said it was because she was nursing three infants. And offered to bring them down for her. She stared past her mom and the man who was gazing at her, concern written across his face. He was cute, but a stranger. Well, not a stranger but one to her right now. It was still a bit distressing seeing her mom, who was so much older than she had expected. She figured she would look just as old and strange if she dared to look in the mirror.

Her mom eventually convinced her to nurse the children. Idina eventually rationalized the babies should not suffer because she was suffering. The world got a bit better when Helen placed a little boy whose name was Soren. Apparently, he was the eldest of the three and the calmest. Things didn’t start coming back, but the strangeness got less scary as she nursed the baby, then the next one, then the final one.   
Idina looked up to find that the cute little boy with cocoa skin was staring at her, standing close. She could see a bit of her face in his. She knew his name.

“Hi Walker,” she said quietly.

“Are you feeling better mom?”

“A bit.”

“Can I cuddle with you, pretty please? I promise you won’t know I’m here.”   
She thought about it but could see he was getting more distressed. “Sure,” she said, adjusting the girl in her arms to make room.

He sat down beside her on the couch, a bit stiff, then laid down on her shoulder, looking over at Lucinda.

“I’m sorry I ruined your birthday,” she said, unsure what else she was supposed to say to the kid.

“It’s okay mom,” he said. “And you didn’t ruin it. I want you to be okay. And Aaron said we can still do gifts and cake when you feel better and we'll send everyone to thank you cards.”

“Aaron's your dad?”

“No he’s stepdad,” Walker said. “You’re my mommy, and you married him and he makes you have dopey smiles when you think of him.”

“He's their dad though?” she asked.

“Yeah,” the boy said.

“Do you like your stepdad?”

“Yeah,” he said with some enthusiasm. “A whole lot.”

“What about your dad?”

“I hate him.”

“Oh, why?”

“He's the reason you don’t remember me so I hate him.” His voice was so pained. Even if she did not remember this sweet little kid, she wanted to Hu hold him and tell him it was alright.

“I might not remember you, but I know I love you,” she said. It was not a lie. She felt something for everyone, she just wasn’t sure what. It was better in this house than it had been around all those other people who were apparently not her good acquaintances.

The boy kissed her cheek and she felt warm inside, similar to how shed felt when her mother had stuck the first baby in her arms. The girl she was nursing starting to gurgle and grunt in discontent. Idina switched her absentmindedly and the baby latched on again, but started gurgling and grunting again. She pouted trying to figure out what was wrong. The man, Aaron, came and slowly handed Walker a bottle from a distance. Walker handed it to her.

“She’s still hungry,” the boy said. “You normally can’t feed all three at once unless you wait so long it is bad and putting you in a lot of pain so you pump it all out instead.”

That made sense. She was just still on autopilot. The thinking wasn’t working out too well for her right now. It was a struggle to get the child suckling at the bottle. She kept on trying to suckle at Idina's nipple, not catching on that there was no food for her left there.

“Try putting some on the bottle,” Walker suggested. “Wait no just give it to me,” he backtracked, taking the bottle from her hand.

She pulled her shirt up now that she had a free hand. The boy coaxed the baby into eating from the bottle, then he handed it back to Idina. Idina felt a smile creep up on her face. She started cooing at the baby and the boy cuddled her again. Idina was getting more comfortable.

“Um,” she looked up to see Aaron, standing in the distance, holding a plate. He set it down on a coffee table. “When you’re ready, I made you something,” he said “It’s here when you want it. Walk, supper's in a few minutes unless you want him to stay,?” he asked, addressing Idina.

She thought about it, looking at the kid. He should eat a proper meal.

“You can go,” she told him but he just squeezed her in protest, begging her to let him stay. She sighed and gave in. This must be hard on him.

Wasn’t there another child? An elder girl? Idina had seen little of her. Maybe she was making it up or confusing someone. Idina sighed. They said it would all come back. If not, she figured she would just have to move on. She was clearly loved and needed. She was in a safe place.

* * *

Idina’s episodes were not as bad as they had been while she was pregnant, however, the frequency was not reduced. She was averaging the same as before the meds, only she was less agitated during them and on average she remembered more. It was much better than it had been before, though her doctors were unsure if it was due to the medication or her decreasing hormones and stress. Either way, Aaron was doing everything to keep Idina stress free. It was beneficial for everyone.

She was out, doing her first big live interview. Tomorrow was the red carpet and the release, a major point of anxiety for Idina. How was she supposed to pose for pictures? The company did not want her wearing her glasses. They argued the glasses were not professional. Seizures weren’t professional either and no one, herself included, wanted Idina to have one just to prove a point.

The interview was going well. The whole family was watching it, late at night on a school night. Erika was curled up against him, falling as sleep as he played with her hair. She had a snoozing baby in her lap. He smiled. This weekend they were going to adopt her. It was days away and she was already a part of the family. She wanted to change her last name to match the triplets and he couldn’t happier. He had no idea what would have come of Idina's hysterical phone calls from across the country but he was so glad they had brought this child into his life. He cursed himself for ever trying to talk Idina down when he had thought she was in too deep. He was in too deep.

“You’re going to miss it,” he teased the girl.

She mumbled something and pulled herself closer, eyes closed.

Walker was awake like as if someone had slipped him coffee, waiting to see his mom. It was going to be good for him to see Idina like she was before everything, out and being her amazing self. It would do them all good.   
Jane came and started taking the triplets upstairs to their bedroom. They were getting better at night. With small naps in the day, they could sleep five or six hours on a good night. Then Jane sat down on the couch in the spot in between Helen and Walker, who immediately began chatting her up. He was glad the kids got on with the nanny. It would have been hard if they did not. They would have had to search for another one and Idina was set on no one but Jane as Jane had live-in experience under her belt as well as three well-adjusted college kids. And disagreeing with Idina on what was best for the triplets was a no go. So far, Idina had been right one hundred percent of the time.

The interview started and he sighed in relief. He tried to wake Erika, but she told him to leave her alone so he resided himself to cuddling his tired teen instead.

Idina was beaming, gushing over the triplets, telling a funny set story and admitted that yes, she was now an epileptic. She put up with the tacky jokes that followed. After the commercial break, it seemed like something was wrong. Idina was slowly getting flustered quickly and while she tried to okay it off she was getting more and more confused. She was having an episode on live television.

Aaron felt the colour drain from his face as he watched her flounder around like a fish on the pavement.


	84. Chapter 84

Aaron was on the way to the car, Helen hot on his heels, when his phone rang. It was Idina. He answered it instantly.

“Dee?” he asked.

“Aaron? Aaron!” she exclaimed, gasping for air. “Can you come to pick me up?” She was sobbing. “Please Aaron I don’t know what’s going on I’m scared please come get me.”

His heart reached out to her. They were in a bit of an argument about him getting a vasectomy. He was worried that since it can increase the chances of dementia, he might not be able to take of her when they got older. She said it was only a risk if you were in your twenties. They had been giving each other a bit of the cold shoulder in private, but not much more. It was a pretty non-issue as far as issues are confirmed. Especially now.

“I’m on my honey, I promise,” he said, trying to stay calm. “Okay, sweety? Where are you? Is Joby there? Can you stay with Joby, honey?”

“I don’t like Joby!” she cried. “I’m in a room, please come, I’m really scared.”

“Okay, Dee, I’m getting in the car, alright?”

“Don’t hang up,” she pleaded. ”I don’t know what is happening, please come pick me up.”

“I’m coming,” he reassured her. “Just stay where you are.” He got into the passenger seat.

“Is she okay?” Helen asked.

“She’s scared,” he told her, unsure what was going on.

“Who’s there?” Idina asked.

“It’s your mom,” Aaron told her. “She’s going to drive me so I can stay on phone. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah,” she replied.

He talked to her while Helen drove to the studio. She was calming down a bit, knowing he was coming, but no one blamed her for being terrified. She had no idea where she was, who was there or what was happening. He finally managed to deduce that she was in a dressing room, presumably her own. Aaron was fairly certain someone would know where she was.

They got to the studio and Joby met them at the door, bypassing security.

“She’s locked herself in her dressing room,” Joby told him. She looked panicked, pushing him through the small corridors filled with concerned people rushing to save the live show.

He nodded. “I know, I’ve been on a call with her.”

“I feel awful…”

“It’s not your fault,” he said a Joby led him to Idina’s room.

He knocked on the door.

“Go away!” Idina yelled.

“It’s me,” he replied.

He heard something tumble and then the click of a lock and the door opened slightly. People had crowded around now, some apologizing, trying to save face. They had no idea. Aaron wasn’t mad at them. He told them to back off a bit; she was scared, she needed space and they did. He opened the door slowly, talking to her in a hushed voice. Once he was inside, he closed the door quickly.

Idina flew into his arms, holding onto him, shaking. She had changed out of her sparkling dress and was just in her jeans and tee-shirt.

“I was so scared,” she whispered. “I don’t know what going on. Why are all these people here? Where were you?”

“It’s okay now”, he said. “Let’s take a breather.”

She nodded and they sat down on the couch. He talked to her, telling her about the triplets. Calming things. He wasn’t sure if she knew what he was talking about, but she was calming down. Aaron shot death glares at anyone trying to open the door before they got in far enough for Idina to notice. He waited until she seemed calm and less scared before he asked her if she wanted to leave.

“Maybe,” she mumbled. “We can go home?’

He nodded.

“Who’s at home?”

“Walker, Erika, the triplets, Jane, and your mom. Oh, and the dog.”

Her brow furrowed and she pouted. “I know, my brain, it’s not working right, but that’s a long list. Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Do we have to?”

“We can stay here I guess,” he replied.

Her eyes went wide, and she shook her head.

“It’ll be fine. Walker might try and cuddle with you, but the triplets are sleeping, and Jane’s tried so she’ll be in her room. Erika’s pretty quiet so unless we seek her out, we might not see her. The dog’s a dog.”

“Who are Erika and Jane again?”

“Jane’s the nanny. Erika’s the girl we’re trying to adopt.”

“Oh, that makes more sense now.” She frowned. “I’m sorry, this is really hard. I’ll remember for next time. There are so many names and I don’t even have a face to put them with.”

“I’ve got pictures on my phone,” he replied.

She smiled. He took out his phone and scrolled through the pictures. Almost all of them included a baby. Idina leaned on his chest, at first just looking, but soon she was scrolling through the picture herself, asking questions. She was much more relaxed. She started listing off names to the faces, even telling the boys apart.

“I still don’t know anything,” she huffed. “Well, not much. I’m sorry. Can you tell those other people I’m sorry too? I think they’re mad at me. I was doing press. I think I was. If I was, I ruined it.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell them you’re sorry. I think they’re sorry too for not stopping it sooner.”

“Okay, can we go home now?’

“Yes,” he replied. “If you’re ready. Your mom’s going to be

out there. And so’s Joby.”

“Oh, I need to tell her I’m sorry too I said some mean things.”

“She knows you were just scared.”

“I’m still scared. I think.” She paused. “I was, it was so weird. I was like waking up from a dream only to still be in the dream and I was telling them gravity was real and they were insisting I was making it up.” Her face lit up. “Oh my god, that would be an amazing song! Like it’s a song about gravity existing but it’s a metaphor for how fucked up my brain is. I’m bloody brilliant.”

He smirked. “You are,” he said, kissing her temple.

“I’m serious, it would work.”

“I believe you, honey,” he said, rubbing her back.

“Can we go home now?”

“Yes,” he replied.

He helped her gather her things and then opened the door. Joby and Helen were standing off in the corner, talking with a member of Idina’s PR team. Idina hugged her mother while apologizing to Joby. Helen led her to the car, handing her the blackout glasses. Idina stared at them in confusion but they assured her she needed them. Aaron stayed back to talk to Idina’s team.

They already had a sample statement ready, but since Idina was in no condition to sign off on it he had to. He read over it a few times, offering some suggestions and they soon finalized the statement, and it was handed to the TV producers as well. Idina had released some information, it was better than just letting speculation run wild however she had been very tight-lipped when it came to the severity and the day today. She had made updates on her brain scans, saying she was improving, admitted that some days were hard or foggy and sometimes she had memory issues. Luckily, her outburst had been mostly off-camera. She had managed to make it out till the second commercial break before panicking and barricading herself in the dressing room. People had only seen the flustered and confused side; one they had been slightly clued in on in the past. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too much to swallow.

_Mrs. Menzel experienced head trauma in late November of last year. As she has stated before, this resulted in some brain damage with minor side effects included spells of dizziness, uncontrollable muscle spasms secluded to her left arm, and memory loss. Tonight, she had an unforeseen episode on live television. She and her family are requesting privacy as this is a hard time for Mrs. Menzel who must also juggle her role as mother to three newborns. She is well and in good hands and is not a danger to herself or others. She greatly appreciates all your support and well wishes and would like to assure everyone that she is doing well._

It was a short statement, but hopefully, it would do the trick.

Aaron went out to the car where Idina was in the back seat and beckoned him to sit in the back as well. She had buckled herself up the middle seat and cuddled him the entire way home, using his upper arm as a stress ball, squeezing it every so often. Aaron smiled and whispered sweet things to her. She was perpetually confused, but it could be a whole lot worse. At least she had some general idea of what was happening.

Partway through the ride, Idina felt herself coming back. She remembered she was supposed to be mad at Aaron right now because he was uncertain about the side effects of a vasectomy. But she didn’t care. They could function when they were in a disagreement, unlike her and Taye. It didn’t consume them or become a problem bigger than it needed to be. They could argue about something for weeks and still function as a couple and individually. And right now she really wanted to cuddle him, so she'd let him do that for a while.

When they came through the door, Walker was waiting for them. He looked at Idina worriedly but said nothing until Idina lit up and hugged him.

“Are you okay mommy?” he asked as she lifted him.

“Yeah, I’m good, baby. Just a bit muddled, but I’m good.”

Walker hugged her fiercely, feet dangling above the ground. Eventually, Idina told him it was bedtime. Somehow, she managed to convince him to go upstairs. Erika had gone up too, coming down once to see them and wish them goodnight, but she looked tired. It was barely a few weeks into the school year. After calling Walker’s school and leaving a message that he wasn’t going to be in tomorrow, as both of them knew there would be a big fight after today’s events, there was no way they would be able to convince him to go to school.

* * *

The press day was not high on Idina’s to-do list. Her PR team was constantly running between her, her managers, and the producers. They weren’t happy about her glasses. Idina asked them if they another means of seizure prevention in mind, or if they thought that letting her have one would get them the marketing they wanted. They huffed and threw up their hands, calling her a diva in her old age and reminding her that not everyone would have put up with her constant medical absences as they had.

“I’m just going to take the glasses off and have a seizure if they say one more word about it,” Idina warned Aaron. “So don’t you dare let me hear another word about them, and if I do, I’m expecting you to catch me.” Maybe then they would find out that she actually needed them.

“I’m right here Chickadee,” he whispered in her ear. “I’m sure tonight will be fine.”

Fine was an overstatement. It was far from fine. Most of the interviews went well. She walked down the carpet, led by Aaron, explained to the few people who asked that she was using blackout spectacles to prevent herself from having a seizure. There are some good-natured jokes and a few concerned comments about what had happened on the live interview. They were getting to the end of the press line and everything looked like it was going to wrap up smoothly until she got to the third to last interviewer.

Aaron stood off in the corner so that Idina could be her amazing self and watched.

Everything started well, however, the interviewer seemed a bit fixated on Idina’s glasses. Then he started asking about the adoption. What should others consider, was it different than you imagined.

“How are the triplets? You originally said you were having twins, what happened?”

“I thought we were having twins,” she started, explaining what happened. “And they’re doing quite well. They’re so happy and healthy and their little personalities starting to come out. At the end of the month, they’ll be four months old. They’re just so happy and healthy and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Everyone adores them and I can’t believe I’m blessed with five amazing children.”

“And they’re healthy with everything that happened? Would you mind elaborating on the situation from November?”

“No,” she said sternly.

He pressed on. “Was it your ex Taye Diggs or did someone break into his house? Is the perpetrator behind bars? If he isn’t, are you worried about another attack?”

“I’m not replying to those.”

“Do you think whoever did that to your damaged your babies? It can take a few years for something to start showing signs, are you worried they might have a mental handicap worse than your own?”

Idina just restated that she was not answering those questions. She was worried. That way she had anxiety attacks at the pediatricians. There could be something wrong with her babies and it could be because of her. Because she didn’t eat, because she didn’t protect them well enough. Because she was old, or because there were three of them and that can just create problems.

“Oh come on darling,” he taunted. “You post all the time about speaking up, now might a good time. You could be putting your family at risk.”

“It’s being dealt with privately.”

“I have a right to know if I’m living next to an ex-beater, so do whomever Taye's new neighbours are. If it weren’t him, we all know he'd be behind bars now. It's easy to conjecture. You’ve removed him from your son’s life, and he did time in rehab. It's all linked. And in your condition, are you sure you’re stable enough to be raising children. What we saw on the news seemed quite distressing for you and I’m sure it is worse at home and very distressing for your son. I’ve heard he skipped school the next day. Care to comment?”

“No!” Idina said, loud enough to get some attention.

Aaron went over to pull her away, but the man started hounding him too, pressing against the rope retainers and getting closer to them as they backed off. She felt someone strange touch her and she couldn’t take the darkness anymore. Without realizing it, she pulled her glasses off, the need to see what was going on too strong to resist. She forgot about the flashes. Everyone had seen the interview lunge at her and all the cameras were focused on them, light flashing a few times a second.

She thought she was raising her hand to block out the light, but instead, she was falling towards her hand.

* * *

“Dee?” Aaron asked. She groaned. Why was he waking her up? If the babies weren’t crying, there wasn’t an emergency. “Chickadee, are you okay?”

“I-Uhm,” she stuttered. Why was she in the ground? Why was it hard, and effing carpet! Where was her expensive as shit mattress? She’d paid a bloody premium for it, and not just because it made sleeping better. It made sleeping with someone better.

She got more aware of what was going on around her. She knew she had a seizure. She wasn’t sure on much more than that. Her ears were ringing, and she had a wicked headache making it hard to focus on anything.

“Dee, I’m going to put your glasses back on until we get inside.”

She tried to protest, but the words came out in an incoherent mumble. Aaron carefully slipped her glasses on again, making the work go dark. He held her as he helped her to her feet, steering her clear of people and other things. Then she felt herself being pulled down and was sitting in his lap. He removed her glasses.

They were in the hallway. She could hear the rules outside but at least they were away from the flashing lights. She went to move some hair out of her face a shrieked when she touched something wet and slimy in her hair.

“You puked,” Aaron said.

Idina swore, her cheeks turning red. Everyone had seen that; everyone had the footage. She looked down. There was splattering across her dress. She had probably been laying in it.

“I need a shower,” she huffed.

“In a minute,” Aaron told her. “You’re so tense. Take a minute to calm down.”

“I’ll be asleep in a minute,” complained Idina. “And I’ll probably get puke all over you.”

“It’s fine, you’re more important than my suit.”

“You’re more important than my dress, and I’m not happy about getting vomit all over it.” She was clearly getting tired, her words drawn out and slurred together. She rested the clean side of her head on Aaron, promising herself she’d only nodded off for a minute or two.

It wasn’t a minute or two because she was awoken in the back seat of the car by a large bump on the road. She groaned.

“Oh, Dee’s awake,” a familiar female voice said.

Idina groaned again and looked around. She was in the back of their car, Aaron in the driver seat and her friend Kristen Bell sitting beside her.

“Have some water honey,” Kristen said, handing her a water bottle.

“How?” she mumbled as the mettle container was shoved in her face. How had Kristen gotten here? She took a sip. The cold liquid woke her up a bit.

“We were in a restaurant across the street the TV was playing the interviews,” Kristen said. “It got messy, so we ran across the street at just started acting crazy. Dax took off his shirt.”

“They created a distraction, so I was able to get you out,” Aaron added.

Idina took another sip of her water, then rested her head against the windowsill. She looked down and found that her dress seemed to have been cleaned as well as possible. It was still a bit damp, but it was certainly saveable. She felt Kristen rubbing her back and sighed. She wanted to have a bath a cuddle her kids. It was Friday. The court date was this Sunday. Kristen had just told her this whole incident had been broadcast on live TV, again.

She was falling in and out of sleep when they get back home. Aaron helped her change while Kristen helped her mom and Jane with the childcare. Soren wasn’t too keen on a new face, but Lucinda and Zephyr were completely happy with new hair to pull at. When she came downstairs, she picked Soren up. He was staring at Kristen intently, watching how she interacted with his siblings,

“It’s okay Soso,” she whispered to him.

“Ssss,” he replied. Idina wasn’t quite sure if he was trying to say his nickname or just could not make another sound yet. He grabbed onto her finger with a full fist a brought it to his mouth and started gumming it.

She sat down, then tickled his cheek and his gums, making him giggle. She smiled back and placed him on her knee, holding into his arms as she bounced him up and down, and tipped him side to side. He was absolutely ecstatic. Walker sat down beside them and cuddled with her, asking a bunch of questions.

It was already late and once the babies were tired Idina sent both Erika and Walker to bed as well.

“Thanks for helping out,” she told Kristen as they both drank the tea Aaron had prepared them. He sat down at the island with them. Louie was snoozing on Idina’s feet.

“Think nothing of it,” her friend replied. “And as I’ve said before please let me know if you need any help, Dee.”

Idina smiled and the three of them talked for a bit until Idina insisted Kristen had to leave because it was past getting late. Louie perked up for a second when they all moved but decided it would be better to wander upstairs and sleep.

“Please don’t be shy to ask,” Kristen reiterated. “The triplets are adorable, and I’d love to fulfill my overindulgent auntie duties whenever you need them.”

“Alright Krissy,” she replied with a nice smile. “I promise I’ll call if we don’t have a handle on things, but we do have a good system going and at this point, I think mom’s just staying to irritate me.”

They both chuckled. “Well, I’ll let your nanny know that if she ever needs a break, she can pawn her duties off to me and I won’t tell a soul.”

“If Jane needs a break, she let me know and I’ll send her on a vacation. _By_ Kristen,” she said which a chuckle, pulling the blonde in for a hug.

As soon as the door closed, she felt ready to crash. She must have looked it because Aaron insisted that they go upstairs, or at the very least sit down on the couch. Idina opted for the upstairs option since they’d have to get there eventually. She laid down on the couch, not feeling ready to go to bed yet. Aaron crouched down by her face and kissed her forehead.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, hit by a sudden wave of exhaustion.

“Don’t be,” he replied. “A panic attack would not have been much better when it comes down to it.”

“Not about that.”

“Then about what?”

“This might mess up the court on the weekend. Carlyle thinks he has it, but I’m still worried.”

“Dee, I—”

“I’m also worried, like what if they just decide I’m not a good mom period? Take all the kids away?”

“That won’t happen.”

“You don’t know that.”

He sighed. “I don’t, but I’m choosing to believe that won’t happen.”

“But sometimes I feel like being Mom is the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s the only thing that can be taken away from me. And what if we can’t adopt Erika, then what? How do they say I’m a good enough parent for bio kids, but not good enough to adopt the foster kid? Do they expect her to stay with us afterwards if that happens? It’s messed up and I have no idea what’s going to happen.”

“It could happen,” he admitted, “but Carlyle isn’t going to let any hypocritical BS slide, which is for sure. We’re paying him too much to let any BS slide, hypocritical or not.”

That made Idina chuckle. “God, I want to throw my heels at people so badly sometimes. I’m also wondering, I might not feasibly be able to go back to work. At least, not anything high profile. Commercials, I think those would be okay, but that’s not much of a career unless it’s tied in with _Frozen_. And theoretically, I can write and release music, but I can’t go on tour. All the cameras. They can ask people to stop but I’m pretty sure we’d get slapped with more lawsuits than we could handle if we took all devices capable of flash or lighting from audience members as they entered.”

“Autistic friend performances?” he suggested. “There’s a demand for those. I’m sure you’ll be able to do whatever you decide you can do or figure out a way to do whatever you want. Maybe you’ll find some seizure medication that works.”

“I’m not going back on any meds. They kind of made the problem worse, even if they did help. Plus I just started feeding the triplets again. I don’t want to stop. I wish you could experience it,” she said with a bit of a pout, stroking his face affectionately. “I feel like you’re missing out.”

He kissed her knuckles. “You did carry them for nine months,” he rationalized. “Maybe it’s your reward for not bludgeoning me to death.”

“I’d get to do it either way if I paid the right people enough money to cover it up,” she mumbled, getting tired by the second. “But it does seem like a good incentive not to let the hormones encourage you to break the law. Can I just sleep here tonight? My motivation to move has died.”

“I don’t care,” he replied. “You can do whatever you want. I’m sleeping on the bed though.”

“You know I love you, right? Even though I’m a bit pissed about the vasectomy?”

“Yeah, I know. And you know I love you even though you’re still a bit pissed at me?”

“Yeah. You’d be an idiot not to love me and I think you’re a jerk and dork sometimes and you can be really, incredibly dense and hard-headed but you do have a degree in a smartass field unlike me so you can be a dunce but not an idiot.”

“I’m going to get changed,” he said standing up.

“Hurry up,” she teased, “I like the view.”

He said something smart lipped before teasing her by hiding in the bathroom for a few minutes, then coming back out to tuck her in and get changed.


	85. Chapter 85

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being bad at updating, I might be starting uni in January though I’m trying to defer so I’m writing all my unit three exams and doing finals till around Christmas. And ngl I fell down the musical bootleg rabbit hole and have learnt how to Google things better than I ever have before.
> 
> Also, my laptop broke and exams are in 2 weeks and the shop can’t even assess it until 1 and a half weeks because of a backlog so that’s fun. Just lots of stress and crying so this chapter might be an emotional mess.
> 
> I do have some stuff for the one-shot coming actually though 😊

Idina could not sleep all night. She was jittery. She paced around the house in the dark, checking on the triplets, checking on Erika. Louie would occasionally get up and follow her around.

Nothing can go wrong; nothing can go wrong. What could go wrong, honestly? There is nothing to be worried about. Also-friggin'-lutely nothing.

She repeated it to herself over and over again until the words became meaningless thoughts in her mind, distorted and nonsensical.

“Dee?” Aaron came down the stairs. “Honey, get some sleep,” he said, pulling her into a hug.

She smiled, drawn in by his flannel PJs. Using him as her stress ball, Idina buried her face in his chest. Aaron began to massage her shoulders, getting out kinks she had not even realized were there.

“Truce for tonight, so you can get a good night’s deep?”

“It’s practically morning,” she replied not letting go of him.

“As a licensed mental health professional, I’m prescribing you a few hours of good sleep.”

“Nu-uh, you can’t pull that on me. No way Jose, mmmnhm,“ Idina replied, shaking her head as took a few steps back and crossed her arms, making Aaron chuckle. After a few seconds spent standing in the cold autumn air, she caved.

Idina walked upstairs to her bedroom. The balcony door was open and a bit cool for California breeze was blowing through, rustling the curtains. She closed them before laying down face-down on the bed, arms creating a pillow. Aaron snuggled up to her, making her giggle as he breathed on her armpit.

“Stop it,” she mumbled.

She reached over her to grab the melatonin from the counter and handed her some tablets. She stuck them under her tongue and let them dissolve as she laid back down, her husband deciding to cuddle her by partially laying on top of her. It was only fair, she figured, concerning how often she had reduced him from husband to mattress and pillow.

Her sleep wasn’t peaceful, and she awoke in the morning wondering if she had imagined it because no one had woken her up. Aaron was dead asleep, and the sun was just beginning to rise. She got up and walked around the empty house, feeling very unsettled. Almost like she was being watched or expecting someone to jump out at any moment.

All the children were okay. The nanny was asleep. Her mom was asleep. She went to the main floor. Nothing wrong. Same with the basement.

Aaron! She missed him. He was on the upper floor. She was down here, away from him. How could she get up there in time?

In time for what? She asked herself. There was no answer.

She ran up the stairs. He was fine, asleep as he had been minutes ago. Idina crawled back into bed, back into his arms and pressed her face into his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was doing anything to calm the nerves.

Idina tried recalling her dream, but it had faded, leaving nothing but the feeling that everything was wrong. She tried stroking herself, tried writing, anything to soothe herself to no avail.

Then she looked back at Aaron and shook him gently. He groaned, sending a stabbing pain to her gut. He was just as tired as she was. Aaron turned over and Idina shook him again.

“Chicka…dee…” he mumbled.

She shook him a third time.

“I’m up!” he exclaimed, turning over to face her, eyes still closed.

“I don’t feel good.”

“There’s Advil, Tylenol, and alcohol,” he replied, still half asleep.

“Not like that,” she whispered.

“Hm? Baby, speak up.”

“Not. That. Way,” she repeated, her voice firm. Or so she thought. Her tone must have set off alarm bells in his head because he shot up like a weed and was holding her, staring into her eyes intently.

“Dee?” he asked softly, lightly brushing his fingers up and down her arm.

“I feel like something is _very_ wrong in my head. I don’t know what, but I feel like there’s someone else in the house. I don’t feel safe, and there’s something else but I haven’t pinpointed it yet.”

“Thanks for telling me,” he replied. He pressed a light kiss to her lips and she patiently awaited the warm feeling that would follow, but none came.

She kissed him again, pulling him close. The feeling she had been missing came back as his posture straightened, his grip tightened, and he started to kiss her back. They broke apart, and Idina looked over her shoulder. Nothing was there, of course. She rested her head in the crook of his neck.

“I missed you,” she said.

“Me too,” he replied. He was rocking her back and forth.

“That’s good,” she mumbled. The rocking was soothing.

“You’re safe with me,” he replied, rubbing her back.

She looked around again. No one was in the room but then. “I don’t get why my brain’s doing this,” she complained.

“It’s trying to protect you, sweety,” he replied. “That’s it.” He kissed her forehead.

“That’s making it worse. From what? What’s going on that I don’t know about?”

“Nothing,” he said. “I’ll be here until it gets better, alright? And you can tell me anything.”

“I know,” she whispered, closing her eyes. It almost made everything worse now that she could not see anything, however, she was no longer visually stimulated by their bedroom.

As much as Idina tried to calm her breathing, it wasn’t working. Soon she was breathing in time with Aaron’s rocking, then the ticking in her head, and then her heartbeat. She was seeing coloured spots against the darkness. She could feel herself slipping away, in a panic trying to take a deep breath mid breath and her lungs seized.

She started coughing and gagging, doing anything to get air, nails digging into Aaron’s skin so support. Her lungs were burning and her eyes watering by the time she got a sharp clear breath down. Shaky, Idina tried to steady herself, remerging the breathing exercises both Aaron and Angelika had shown her.

She took a few gulping breaths and look over her shoulder, making sure there was no one else in the room. She hugged him again.

He told her he was going to get something, and to just wait there. She nodded, the curdled up in a ball on the bed, biting at her index finger her knuckle. The pain gave her something to focus on and it had to be soothing because the babies sucked and gummed their fingers when there wasn’t a pacifier around.

Aaron had just gone to their bathroom and came back within a minute. He scooped her up, cradling her and they rocked back and forth. She felt something on her hair. Then she realized it was her hairbrush. Aaron was brushing her hair. He ran it down her back, sending calm shivers down her spine. Still biting her knuckles, Idina tried to focus on her husband and the brush. Her jaw loosened and her finger began to hurt, but no blood.

With her knees up at her chest, she felt so small in comparison to the master bedroom. Why wasn’t it called the mistress bedroom? She ran the house and the bedroom. Mistress's bedroom made it sound like Aaron was cheating because cheaters have mistresses. It did not have the same power as the master. Fuck the English language.

Aaron was brushing the same bits over and over again, not trying to untangle any knots. He ran a hand through it as well, but she soon pulled it down around her. She could feel her heart rate starting to quicken again and she felt lightheaded. She was hearing footsteps.

“Mom, Aaron, are you awake?”

Idina but down on her finger so hard she was sure she broke the skin. Yet it had stopped her from shrieking in pure terror. It was just Walker. Harmless little perfect Walker.

“Is mommy okay?” he asked. She couldn’t see him from her angle and didn’t trust herself to look at him. “Can I come in?”

“Slowly,” Aaron replied. “Dee’s just a bit nervous,” he said calmly.

Idina did not understand how he could be so calm while she was a neurotic mess. Of she was not so focused on how there something in the corner was, she would be mad at him for being this collected. He was a freak.

Cold bony arms wrapped around her and she tensed for a minute at the touch.

“Feel better?” Walker asked. Idina remained frozen. “Is there something to be worried about? Is someone going to take Erika away?”

“No,” Aaron said.

“Mom?”

“Uhm,” Idina stuttered. “No,” she whimpered, barely more than a squeak, definitely not believable. The thing in the corner might.

“No one is taking that kid away,” Aaron said firmly.

“Mom? Are you okay?” he asked again.

No reply.

After a moment, Aaron spoke. “Dee, I think your nerves are manifesting,” he said quietly, breaking the silence.

“Hm?” she said, pulled out of a trance.

“What do you mean?” Walker asked.

“I think she's- Dee you’re so nervous about today I think your brain's trying to block it out, so you don’t have to deal with it.”

“This doesn’t feel like not dealing with it,” she groaned.

“Is this worse than the thought of losing Erika?”

“No,” she admitted. She wasn’t even thinking of that. She was just nervous, skipping right to the nerves.

“And you feel like someone is watching us?”

“Yeah.”

“Like the judge will be judging us.”

“Yeah.”

“But it is going to be okay because Aaron said so,” Walker replied.

“That’s not a good reason,” Idina replied.

“Then you cannot use it because mommy said so anymore because that’s not an excuse either.”

“I can too, and I will,” Idina replied. Her sharp tongue was coming back; she was feeling more relaxed. “I think she’s still asleep. She doesn’t seem nervous at all,” Idina lamented.

“She keeps telling herself it's a piece of paper but it’s also a legal status, so it is important. I think it’s the implications, not the actual legality she’s avoiding.”

“Do you think she’s awake?” Walker asked. “I know she doesn’t like cuddles a lot but maybe today she might want them.”

Idina smiled. “I think she might too.”

“We should give her some,” the boy replied. He hugged his mom again. “Do you feel better?”

“A bit,” she admitted. She still felt off, but she was calmer. Aaron rubbed her back and kissed her temple. “Are you hungry, little mister?” she asked.

He nodded. “Can we have waffles?”

Idina rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “But you have to put fruit on it.”

He huffed but agreed.

They stayed there a few minutes until Idina felt like she could stand up on her own without gripping fear. She hated her brain sometimes, but Aaron was right, she was functioning and coping event with the feeling of being watched. The babies were still asleep so Idina mixed the batter while Aaron measured the ingredients then poured them into the waffle maker one at a time. Erika came down midway through the prepping, still in her pyjamas. She sat down at the island beside Walker but wasn’t very talkative. She was acting tired, resting her head on her hand.

Idina was about to go over and talk to her when the baby wailing started. Two hungry cries and one diaper, she noted. She gave both kids a quick kiss before running upstairs to help the nanny. Idina had been spending less time with the triplets than she was used to. She prayed they knew she was a mom but sometimes they were calmer with Jane, and she wasn’t sure.

The triplets were brought downstairs, changed, clothed, and fed and soon they were happily in their jolly jumpers, burning off some energy while the rest of the family ate breakfast. When everyone went up to get changed Idina pulled Erika aside.

“Are you still good?” she asked. If Erika were having serious anxiety, they could postpone it. In the end, she and Aaron wanted this, and they hoped Erika did too, but if this was triggering for her it was the last thing they wanted to push.

“I’m okay,” she replied.

Idina rubbed Erika’s arm. “It’s okay if you’re not. To me, I see it as just legally affirming what we already know, but if this is different for you please do not feel like Aaron and I are pushing you into anything. Don’t feel like we’ll be mad if you don’t feel the same way.” Idina would be crushed, but she would not let it show. And she certainly would not be mad. Nothing that happened to Erika was her fault and Idina was determined to help the girl get whatever help she needed, even if it was not with her.

“I’m okay,” Erika said again.

“Alright,” Idina said. “Nothing bad is going to happen today, okay?”

“I know,” she said. She wasn’t looking Idina in the eye and was rubbing her thumb into her elbow nervously.

“Okay…” Idina said. She missed the long conversations they had. Neither of them left, just stood there not looking at each other. “Do you want a hug?”

She nodded and Idina breached the gap, pulling Erika into a tight hug. Not letting her shut down when she was emotional was something they were working on and giving her positive outlets to cope with emotional anxiety would help, even a stress-relieving hug. Erika held onto her tightly and Idina felt a small smile creep across her lips. They stood there for what felt like an eternity but Idina wasn’t going to be the first to let go.

“I’ve got you,” she muttered after some time. Erika seemed to respond to that by burning her face in her neck and holding Idina tighter. “Oh sweety,” Idina said. “It’s going to be okay and it is completely valid to be nervous.” _I practically had a panic attack this morning._ “I love you so much.” After another minute she suggested they sit down on the couch.

Erika still cuddled her, laying down with an arm across Idina’s stomach and holding her while resting her head on her chest. Idina knew she was nervous about it but had no idea what to say.

“I’m not going to let anything bad happen,” she said softly. She still wasn’t sure how to comfort Erika. The girl was quiet and often unresponsive. She was getting better at communicating her wants but at times like this Idina realized they still had a long road to go. But Erika was still seeking her out, she wasn’t shutting down. No longer was the girl mad at the world. It was so much progress.

Idina stroked her daughter's face and played with her hair. Erika was staring out into the distance but as they sat there her eyes slowly closed. She wasn’t sleeping, but she was more relaxed. Idina had noticed that Erika did like hugs if they weren’t a surprise. She seemed comforted by it and Idina noticed she tended to keep her quilt on the bed throughout the summer. Idina wouldn’t be surprised if she found the weight comforting.

“Feeling better?” Idina asked. She got no reply but a squeeze. “Okay,” she breathed, still unsure what this meant. Well, she knew she had to stay there. Other than that, she was clueless. She tried to think of what she wanted when she was like this. Most of the time she just wanted to hold onto something and have someone hold her, usually Walker and Aaron, respectively. Sometimes she liked it when Aaron talked to her other times it barely registered. If Erika was physically responding to it, she was paying attention.

Erika was still sure Idina was wrong and nothing good would happen in the end. She had forgotten about that for a while but today it had all come flooding back, and she was attached. Exactly where she did not want to be. So, she was holding onto Idina while she had her.

Erika chewed on her hair, trying not to fixate on anything.

“Oh, honey, don’t do that,” Idina said, taking her hand and holding it. “You have lovely hair.”

Erika held onto Idina’s hand and said nothing. She was not sure what to say. She was not sure she could keep it together. She knew she was going to miss them. All of them. Even the triplets and Jane.

Erika tried to remember if she’d ever gotten this far before. She had when she was younger but she barely remembered it. Only that it had hurt so much more when it ended.

She also knew they would tell her not to be so negative. Aaron especially. He was big on positive thinking, especially if Gerda was baking him up. He said she’d be happier and he wanted her to be happy. Besides, there was nothing to be worried about so it was just stress she did not need. She needed to be focusing on herself and what she needed, then good grades so she could get advanced placements next year and graduate with a university acceptance. Because for once someone expected her to be more than below the bare minimum. 

It was annoying, but they cared.

Erika wondered if she would be allowed to take some of the pillows and blankets with her. Probably not. If the court decided she wasn’t to stay with the Menzel-Lohr's they take her on the spot to a group home. Possibly, she might be able to get something from the house but in all likelihood, no one would care or someone else would get it. She figured she could make up a small bag, stick in the money and the laptop and her phone and kindle, but then he’d have stuff for people to take. If she made it through one day she could just run away again, unless they decided to label her a flight risk. Maybe she could offer to wait in Florence’s car and just walk out the door and never come back.

Yes, that was what she was going to do. She was almost eighteen, no one would look for her. That’s what happens when you’re seventeen. To close to eighteen for people to bother.

Would it hurt Idina? It wasn’t like she was running away from her. It would probably worry her anyway if she found out. And if Erika left the way she was planning Idina would know.

“Erika,” Idina said after a moment. “It’s going to be okay.” She pulled the girl close, having a gut feeling she knew what the girl was thinking about. She rubbed her arm, not knowing what else to say. She was still having difficulty convincing herself of that, she wasn’t sure she could convince Erika. So, she just went with what she knew. “I don’t think anyone has a strong argument against us. You are doing well, and this is about what is best for you. If we are going on facts and not hypothetical, which is what the judge should ab evaluating, the cold hard evidence, Aaron and I are competent people who can and are willing to take care of you. We have been doing so. We have Gerda and your teachers in agreement. You have doctor's visits and new glasses as well. And I’ve also got Walk and the triplets. They can’t say I’m not a fit mom and still be okay with me parenting Walk and the triplets.”

“Maybe they agree with you and say you can’t parent anyone,” she said quietly. “People don’t like being called out and the judge has the power to just say no and take it all away. That might be a smart angle, but you shouldn’t put the triplets and Walk through what I did just because you’re trying to prove a point.”

“I’m not letting you go.”

“Maybe there isn’t a choice. Maybe it’s just one kid or all of them.”

“Erika, that is not going to happen,” Idina replied firmly. “I’m not giving in and no one is going to take any of you away from me. And I’m not going to throw you under the bus.”

Idina was confident, Erika gave her that. Confidence does not stop one from being wrong. And Erika knew full well Idina would give in if faced with the choice. Because one girl in the system was better than five children. And the triplets would be separated. The boys might stay together, twins were cute, but Lucinda would be adopted out secretly for sure. So many people wanted baby girls and she was so small. They could even pretend she was younger than she was. Walker would be placed in a foster home, probably until Idina could finally get custody back or boys’ home. He wouldn’t do well in boys' homes. And Erika did not want him to be mad at her for this. Not that she’d know as she’d never see him again.

It was not fair on the others to make them suffer just to stick it to a stuck-up middle-aged man who hated his life and would probably hate Idina for being attractive at fourth, married, and with kids. He’d hate her for not being its wife and also being independent because people were like that. Maybe he would be a bitter person who dedicated their lives to taking children away from women he did not like, which was almost of them. there were a million possibilities and the best one so far was Idina giving in and not dragging Walker and the triplets in.

“I love you kiddo,” Idina said.

Erika smiled a tiny bit. She said the weirdest stuff.

“Come on,” Idina said. “Let’s get changed. Sooner it's over, sooner we can stop worrying.”

“I guess,” Erika said, making no move to stand up. She did not want to.

“It is going to be okay,” Idina said again, sitting upright but not getting up. It took her a not, mostly because she did not want to push Erika away and liked having her attention. She kissed the girl’s forehead. Idina was refusing to believe this would be their last time together. “It is going to be okay,” she said again, unsure if it was for Erika or her.

“Okay,” Erika said to her surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” the girl replied. “Fine, you’ve worn me down.” She did not sound convinced, but it was progressing.

“I love you,” Idina said again. She wondered when, if, Erika would ever say it back. “I know" was the closest they ever got. It was pretty close. Next, Idina was hoping they might get something along the lines of “you too,” something to signal the sentiment was mutual. She knew it took time. She knew they would probably ha e to do group therapy with Erika before she expressed the sentiment. Idina also knew Erika was not ready for group therapy yet.

~

They had a group at the courthouse. Aarons sisters had come, along with the whole household. Idina’s father and Cara had come down too. They had a full support group. Erika’s teachers had come and of course, Florence and Gerda Snow were there. Kristen and Dax had come, along with some of their other work friends. Of course, they’d told Erika she could invite some friends if she wanted too but she said she did not want to. Aaron seemed to think she wanted to be ‘normal and the orphan of her forced group. It pained Idina she didn’t he someone she felt that close with, but at the same time Idina had been a teenager once. She couldn’t imagine being and teenager with all of Erika’s baggage.

They were sitting across the room from each tether, Erika alone and Idina and Aaron at the other table with Carlyle. If all went well, the judge would okay them, ask Erika if she wanted to be their daughter, ask them if they wanted to adopt Erika and make it official. If not, it wouldn’t be fun.

Aaron was squeezing Idina’s hand. She was so glad he had embraced this as much as she had. She kissed his cheek discreetly before the judge came in. Snow and Carlyle were talking to Erika. Aaron rubbed Idina's back.

“Om fine,” she whispered

“I’m not,” he admitted outline her close. “I need my squish,” he teased.

“The babies are squishes,” she replied

“And you’re my baby, baby,” he said, his lips brushing her temple comfortingly. “So you’re my squish.” He pulled her into a hug. She rested her head on his chest and held onto his shirt, breathing in his comfort.

They both looked back over the Erika, heads pressed together. She was hunched over the desk, both arms on it, seemingly uninterested in whatever she was being told and picking at her fingers.

“It’s going to be fine,” Aaron whispered.

“Yeah,” Idina said, taking his hand and wrapping it around her waist. “I’m excited. We’re going to be a family tonight.” She looked back at Jane who had the triplets and waived at one of them. A nice big, happy family. Screw her medical issues for a night.

After a few minutes, Jane came up and handed her Soren.

“Sorry,” she said, “but he wants his mommy.”

“It’s fine,” Idina said, taking the infant. He looked up at her and giggled. She kissed his little hand. “Hey there little man,” she cooed.

Aaron reached over and tickled the baby. He giggled and stopped fussing.

“We can keep him with us,” Idina said, wrapping Soren in her arms. “Thanks, Jane,” she said with a smile. A baby would give them something to focus on.

She leaned against Aaron and bounced Soren in her lap. Her husband rubbed her back while her baby chewed her finger. Things were okay. And everything was going to continue. She looked back at all the people here to support them. There were so many people and more who would have come had they been asked.

Aaron rubbed her back. “It’s going to be fine,” he said, a bit for himself as well. He looked down at the baby in her lap. His baby. He knew he’d de for this kid the second Idina had come out of the bathroom and now the kid, _kids_ , we're here causing chaos and joy. He knew he hadn’t felt that way about Erika when they met. He’d been wary, he knew the baggage and the issues, and he hadn’t been as naïve as Idina. He doubted both of them, which had been his mistake. Erika had pulled through in ways he had never expected and Idina had been right as she always was. He looked over at Erika. He wanted to hug her and tell her it was going to be alright and let her know that no one was ever going to hurt her again.

She probably already knew that. If she did not, she would not be as upset as she had been this morning. He looked down a Soren again and tried to imagine Soren growing up without him. Who could send a baby back home? He had his kid three months and he wouldn’t send him away yet some family decided they couldn’t take care of a toddler and a baby with special needs and sent Erika back after seeing her attachment issues, knowing they’d out worse. And they had three years to bond with a baby. Some toddlers needed help. Some would be scared and have food anxiety and other things, but three years was more than enough for those to be worked through, especially with a kid that young. Erika had been around a year and he knew if something happened to Idina and he needed to be the breadwinner he would do whatever it took to keep them together.

He would fight the judge if that would help.

It wouldn’t, and it would probably make both Erika and Walker scared of him. He wished there was something he could do. Something anyone could do. Never in his life did he think he would have this many people he cared about so much, and even though it scared the crap out of him he was thankful.

He kissed Idina’s cheek. He was going to get that vasectomy. She had been right about everything so far and it wouldn’t be fair to them if her birth control failed when they had another option. And he would not want her to get pregnant again. He was quite sure if she brought it up he would be against it. One thought back to the hospital bed and he knew it was the right choice. Next time she might not wake up, or the child would not make it. Or both. They could adopt again. Erika was one of the millions. There was overpopulation. Why should they add to it, especially now?

The judge walked in and everyone sat up a bit straighter before they rose. Aaron helped Idina as she struggled to get up quickly without dropping Soren. The judge glared at them as he walked by.

Aaron swore internally.

Idina gave Soren his pacifier. He was squirming in her lap, but not demanding too much attention as the judge went over the itinerary. The first one of business was to assess Idina and Aaron’s parenting abilities. They were ready. They had all the papers in near little stacks. Erika was just across the room, tall, healthy, and alive. Not to mention this was to know her second-longest stay under one roof. Aaron was determined for it to be her longest ever. Well, until she got her own house but no one was waiting on her to move out. They had only just brought her home.

Carlyle did most of the talking, presenting the evidence. Aaron watched Erika as she stared at Carlyle. He tried to use force to let her know it was going to be fine. It did not work.

He tried to pay attention to what the lawyer was saying, but it was the same spiel he knew from their dances in court. Schooling, doctor visits, generally signs of wellness.

Idina squeezed his hand and pulled it onto her lap, placing it on their baby. He smiled as Soren grabbed onto his finger with a full fist. Then he shrieked in delight and the room grew quiet.

“Mr. And Mrs. Lohr, are you paying attention?” the judge asked.

“Yes,” Idina replied with confidence.

The judge frowned at them. “If this is a bad time it can always be moved.”

“It is not a bad time,” Idina said. “I am not sure why you would suggest it.” Soren was getting fussier, now laying on his stomach. He was wriggling around as if he was trying to do the worm.

“Would you like to settle the child and return?” the judge asked.

“So's fine,” Idina replied. Babies move. Soren was acting like any child of his age would.

“So there will be no more interruptions?”

“I can’t promise that,” she admitted, her confidence faltering for a second.

“Are you sure you’re not too focus on upgrading biological children?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” she retorted, clearly offended. “I have five children and I am going to parent all five of them and if them means letting a three and half-month-old babysit in my lap because he has a bit of stranger anxiety I will.”

“As I said if this would be better at a later date…”

“It would not be,” Idina said firmly, she faced flushed. “I have been trying to get this done for over a year and I am not delaying further. I do not care if it would be more convenient because right now I care about Erika and her future. There is not going to be a better time with three babies and Erika deserves to know she will have a family. I am not putting this off any longer because it is not fair to her and I want my daughter to finally be my daughter.”

“Okay,” he said, making a motion for her to calm down. “I can tell you care about this deeply.”

“Damn fucking right I do,” she replied. “Erika deserves the same security every one of her siblings has and I’m not leaving today until she has it.”

Aaron snuck a glanced over to Erika. She was staring at them with her small smile. Most people would see it as a resting face. They knew differently. Aaron smiled back. She blushed and hid her face.

“Erika,” the judge said. “Have there ever been any instanced of your needs being put below the triplets?”

“No,” she replied.

“Are you sure? From what I was told here you don’t have a good grasp on a need, is it possible you are mistaken?”

“I don’t think so,” she replied. She paused, trying to think. “No, no its hasn’t. Nothing that was a need. And when you put it in perspective a baby is more likely to die than me so, like, when they triage them in hospitals if I had whooping cough and one of the triplets had one the triplet would be seen first because a baby can more likely stop breathing than me.” She looked a bit perplexed by her statement but justifiably happy before standing up for herself.

“Do you are saying you are not the priority in the household?”

“Not all the time,” she said. “Everyone gets priority days, right, cause it wouldn’t be fair if I was always special.” She sounded so nervous.

“Just yes or no, please. Are you or are you not always the main priority?”

“No,” she said quietly, defeated. “I want to say with them though!” she exclaimed quickly, barely taking a breath.

“Yes, I know that,” the judge replied.

Carlyle interjected. He tried some sweet talking. It didn’t do the trick. So, he called the therapist up, who explained things again.

“Erika's safety is another issue,” the judge brought up.

“Nothing has happened in quite a while,” Carlyle said. “And my clients have the means to keep Erika safe and educate her on how to keep herself safe in the future. A group home does not ha e these resources. Not to mention she would be a target for harassment by other residents, and at her age, these arguments and prejudices often turn violent and have unfavourable outcomes. Mr. Vorkai, the argument is not whether Idina and Aaron are the best, the ideal fit for Erika, but whether or not they are the best option. Erika has them or an uncertain future in a group home. Pardon my morbidity but should she survive this ordeal and the eighteen my clients would be more than willing to take her in again, however, this would only hurt the child in question not to mention bring unnecessary stress to my clients, who as you can tell, have their plates full. Mrs. Menzel also has a son from her previous marriage who has formed quite a bond with Erika. As Gerda can verify, siblings bonds might not be essential, good relationships are, especially for children. And more especially for Erika, who has not had such relations in the past. I would like to repeat this is not about whether or not my clients are the perfect people, for no such thing exist, it is if they are the best option. Unless you have another option, my clients are.”

The was silence for a moment. Idina grasped Aaron’s hand.

The judge was silent for a moment while they held their breath. Idina dared a glance behind at everyone who was here to support them. She squeezed Aaron’s hand. She exhaled.

The judge spoke: “Yes, that does appear to be true. However, I still have a few more things that must be covered. Erika,” he said, turning to face the girl. “Do feel as though you are being partialized?”

“No,” she replied.

“Do you know what the word means?”

“Yes,” she replied. “And my answer is still no.”

“According to Dr. Snow's notes you might not be able to tell if you were, is that correct?”

“Yes, but I don’t feel as though it’s happening.”

“Mrs. Lohr, do you have a say in this?”

Idina bit her tongue to not correct him. Then she spoke: “We want to do as much with the triplets as we can. We have a nanny Jane, who can testify as well. We only have her for necessity because the two of us can’t care for three children, and Aaron certainly can’t do three while I work. You have to get all three to stop crying together which means one person per baby.”

The judge raised an eyebrow. “Would you say you’re overworked?”

“No,” Idina replied. They had just the right amount of crazy. “Even one newborn would be a hassle. We have it all under control.” She tried a nice smile, just in case it would help.

“And you are not worried that taking on a more active role in Erika’s life could be detrimental to your ability to care for your children?”

“I won’t be taking on a more active role in her life,” Idina said, cold and collected. “I will not be because there is no more to take. From day one I have been there, doing everything as I did for Walk and how I plan to do for the triplets, adapting the plan to her needs. Aaron has been too. We help her with school, we ask her questions, we take her on embarrassing family walks. I’m active with her school, I pay attention to her work hours to make sure she can still get her homework done and have time to socialize. Aaron and I helped her work out a therapy schedule with Gerda. I don’t see how we can be more active in her life, but if you have any suggestions we would be glad to implement them.”

Aaron squeezed her hand to say good job. “We are doing everything we can,” Aaron added. “And we’ve also recognized that this is hard and an adjustment and we have been giving her the time and the space she needs to adapt to it on her terms. And now we believe that all of us are ready to be a proper legal family.” Idina smiled at that.

The judge nodded and for the first time, Idina felt like they might be winning him over. She dared to glance down at Soren just to make sure he was alright. He had fallen asleep against her chest. She adjusted him to make sure his neck was straight and that he was comfortable.

The judge addressed Erika again, asking her how she felt. Then he started asking her about the threats and the safe house.

“Did you ever feel in danger?”

“Not really,” she admitted. Idina and Aaron watched her intently. They knew Gerda's warning that the trials might make her say something they would find upsetting still stood with this one. She had an upsetting life and while they wanted to pretend Erika would be okay they also had to face the fact that it could be many years before she was.

“Why?”

“I don’t think I really saw the threats as threats until it was almost over,” she replied. Her voice was small. If there wasn’t a microphone, no one would have heard her.

“Would you mind elaborating?”

“Well, um, at school, in New York, I’m always the weird foster kid with the dead sister who was never allowed on any trips, so people were always mean and said stuff and after a while I got used to it I guess. And a lot of it happened quickly. There were people in front of the house, then we were at the cabin, and it wasn’t until a lot later than I thought maybe we were in danger but until then I didn’t. I think it was just kind of nice not being the weird foster kid with the dead sister for a bit. And also when Aaron said that people were making threats I wasn’t sure what that meant or how serious, and since at school the other students would say things all the time just to say it I didn’t take it that seriously.”

Erika looked away when she was done. Idina wanted to scoop her up and hug her. She opted to give Soren a slight squeeze.

The judge asked more follow up questions. Erika liked school in California better, her peers weren’t as vile. She had friends. Idina and Aaron were also safe.

“I don’t really know how to explain it, but I see them as safe,” she said quietly. “Like, um, I think of them and I think safe and I think of safe and I think of them. And I’m pretty sure that started early on and I just did not realize it because the way they always did stuff was thinking about how I felt and it took me a while to realize I did not feel unsafe physically around them.”

“Why do you specify physically?”

“You could send me away and then that would hurt and there’s nothing they can do so it's not safe.” She said, this time staring the judge down with a blank expression Idina knew well from their early days. She wondered for a moment if she should stop this, for Erika’s sake, then assured herself that the girl’s therapist would of she thought the situation was getting out of hand and that Erika needed to be removed for her well-being.

“And do you not think of them as mom and dad?”

Erika froze. She stuttered, then clamped her jaw shut, sitting up straighter. She stuttered again when he was president for an answer. Erika looked like her thoughts were running face-first into a glass wall and couldn’t get out. Or maybe a bit like a car stalling. Either way, her brain was malfunctioning.

“They’re safe,” she squeaked, unable to say anything else.

Idina felt Aaron tense beside her and she wished she could read his mind. He could read more into this than she could. He would know how thin of the thread they were truly treading.

“Do you not see them as parents?”

“They’re safe,” she whispered again.

Aaron moved to stand, to tell the judge to stop but Gerda was quicker. After a few harsh statements and recess was called for five minutes and Gerda was holding Erika, talking to her quietly. Idina was up so quickly she startled Soren awake. He began to fuss, not crying but not being quiet either.

Aaron went to her other side and rubbed her back.

“I’m sorry,” Erika said on the verge of tears. “I ruined it, didn’t I?”

“No,” he said, “no you did not, okay honey? You did not ruin anything. What you said was the truth and it’s a very good truth and I am extremely happy you feel safe around Dee and me.”

She shook her head and started crying. Idina was standing close, trying to soothe Soren but unable to do so as the noise level in the room rose. Jane appeared from nowhere and offered to take him outside with Helen and his siblings so that the three of them could calm down. She reluctantly gave the nanny her child so that she had arms free to comfort her other child.

“We would more upset of you lied-"

“You’re upset?” she asked. “I didn’t mean to, I promise.”

“No, we are not,” both Idina and Aaron said. They could see her unravelling, their safety net falling to pieces. Erika was panicking and trying to stop it by shutting down and reverting. Everyone was trying to do damage control, explaining to her that she did fine and that no one was upset with her and even if they were, which they stressed they were not, it would not be grounds to send her away. Idina could get absolutely infuriated by Walker sometimes, yet she never considered it. She swore left, right, and center she felt the same about Erika.

Erika stopped crying, pulling her legs to her chest and rocking back and forth, not speaking. Gerda kept talking to her, quietly, while Aaron hugged her and rubbed her back stuck in a small crouch so that he was at her level.

“I don’t know wants wrong,” Erika said after a bit. “It’s just a stupid question,” she growled.

“It’s not,” Aaron said. “Stupid questions are stupid answers. That was an important question with an important answer and yours is just different, it’s no less important.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled again. “I know it’s not what you wanted to hear.” It was barely audible.

“I think you answered it brilliantly,” Gerda said. “The judge is just slow-minded. Let’s think about it for a second. What do you think Idina and Aaron are?”

“Safe?”

“Well, you’re the only one who would know that.”

“They’re safe,” she stated.

“Is there anyone else you would think as safe? Not someone you know, but maybe a role?”

“Um, like maybe a friend?” she asked. She was calmer.

Aaron pulled Idina closer so that they were all supporting her.

“Good. And would family also be people who felt safe?”

“Yeah,” Erika replied.

“So can we say Idina and Aaron are safe?”

“I just said that,” she replied, with a slight smile.

“And safe is family?” Gerda asked.

Erika nodded. Idina squeezed Aaron’s shoulder, she was excited and nervous and trying to hold herself together.

“And in a family, who are the safest people, or the people who should make you feel the safest?”

“I guess whoever is taking on the protector role.”

“Which would be?”

Erika was silent. Idina knew where Gerda was trying to bring this and she was grateful, but she did not want Erika pushed into anything. Safe was fine. Idina could imagine what that implied. She did not need to be told. Safe was the most amazing thing anyone in the world could call her right now.

“Who’s the protector in your family?”

“Aaron,” she said instantly. She didn’t blink at family when it was put in a sentence and talked about casually.

“And Idina?” Aaron asked.

“Her too,” Erika said, burying her face in her knees from a bit of embarrassment.

Gerda smiled at them. Erika seemed better now and she was relaxing.

“Do you want to step out for a minute?” Aaron asked.

“Um, yeah, maybe,” she replied.

“Alright, let’s get some air,” Aaron replied.

They went outside. People were milling around. They found a quiet corner when Walker snuck upon them. Idina smiled and hugged him, kissing his head.

“Mom?” he whispered in her ear.

“Yes, Pumpkin?”

“Why did Erika say Cindy’s dead?” He looked up at her, his big eyes confused and begging. “’Cause that is Lucy, right? It’s not another baby?”

“Yes, that’s Cindy,” Idina said quietly, pulling Walker away. She looked past him. Aaron was talking quietly with Erika, who was nodding along. “She was… talking about some else.”

“Who? I don’t get it,” he whispered. “And why are whispering?”

“Walker, um…” she trailed off. It was not her secret to tell, but at the same time, she did not want Walker to be confused, especially about Lucinda’s wellbeing. “Lucinda is fine,” she said again. “Erika, she was, referring to before she came here to live in California, so before Lucinda was even conceived.”

“Conceived means you had sex!”

“SHHH, Walker!” Idina exclaimed, practically mauling him to shut his mouth. She looked around. Kristen winked at her.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, looking at his sneakers. “I forgot eleven-year-olds aren’t allowed to know about sex.”

“Just stop saying the word,” Idina begged, bemused yet cheeks burning.

“But who’s dead then?” he asked again. “Can you please tell me? I know you know, and I do not want Erika to be sad about it. Maybe I can help.”

Idina hugged him. Even though they were in public, he did not pull away. “You can’t help Pumpkin, not this time, I’m sorry.” She kissed his forehead.

“I’m still confused,” he said flatly, pulling back and crossing his arms. His face softened. “Can you please tell me?” he asked again.

“It’s like she said…” Idina started. She did not have to go into details, she should just repeat what Erika said, with some extra implied context. She knew Walker knew about Erika’s scar and that she lost someone, but not more than that. “She had a sister; the sister is dead.”

He was quiet for a moment.

“Oh,” he muttered. “The scar… Oh!” he stood there shocked.

“Are you okay?” Idina asked after a minute. Maybe this was all too much for him. Oh god, it was all too much for Walker. Had she not thought at all about him while she was doing this? When was the last time she had truly stopped and thought that nothing else but Walker mattered? But more than just Walker mattered. She swore internally.

“I’m fine mom,” he replied with a small smile. “I feel bad for Erika; can I give her a hug?”

“You have to ask her that honey,” Idina replied.

“Do you think it’s alright if I go over?”

“I think it will be fine,” she informed him with a smile, looking back over to Erika and Aaron. Erika seemed a lot calmer and Aaron was smiling.

Walker went over, but Idina felt frozen in place. She was staring at the wall as he hugged his older sister. Wait, no, she was staring at the fire alarm. That started blinking, rapidly. Her head was pounding as people started running around her. Her vision was fixed on the flashing light and she was positive she could not move if she wanted to.


	86. Chapter 86

People were sprinting towards the door, pushing others over. It was not a calm, orderly evacuation like the ones done in schools. Aaron took both Erika’s and Walker’s hands and ushered them out of the building. He could see Idina standing frozen, staring at a blinking light, and watched as she began to collapse. He had to get the kids out first. Walker tried to run for her, but he held him back.

He found Jane who was already outside with all three triplets who were miraculously asleep in their car seats. She was panting and checking on them, but they were fine.

“Can you two stay here with Jane?” he asked.

“What about mom?” Walker asked, his eyes watering.

“I’m going to get your mom out,” Aaron said. He looked over at the building. It was not in flames, but there was a puff of smoke coming from the back. He did not want anyone trampling Idina, they could kick her in the head. He did not want someone else who did not know what to do with seizures to pull her out either in case she got hurt. “Just stay with Jane,” he said as he turned back to the building.

A few people were trickling out. Most people were standing in the grass area on the far side of the parking lot, staring. Idina was on the floor where she had fallen, her body seizing. He got down on his knees, wondering if he should wait for her to finish or carry her out now. Touching her could make it worse. Staying here longer could become an issue.

Aaron was not sure if the room was warmer or if it was just him. His ears were pounding.

Idina curled up into a ball, a position he knew well. She hands her arms clenched around her stomach and her knee up as high as she could get it, pressing against her cheek. She was rocking slightly, whispering “I’m keeping the babies safe” repeatedly.

“Dee,” he said softly. They had to go. The alarm was still blaring. Someone was at the door yelling for him to get out.

In a split second, Aaron decided they had to get out now. He picked her up against all better judgement. She was trembling, trying to get free. He managed to get them a few meters away before he set her down on the grass. Her face was red and snotty, and she instantly retracted away from him. She hid her face in her hands and started sobbing quietly, her figure shaking and nothing but small muffled squeaks escaping.

No one had noticed them yet. This was the last the judge needed to see.

He got down on all fours. “Hey there,” he whispered, trying to get her attention without spooking her. “Remember how to breathe,” he said, trying to talk her into a breathing exercise. She shook her head in defiance. Aaron looked around. He wanted to distract her to buy himself some time. Whenever Idina was like this, it was always like throwing darts blind and hoping to hit the bullseye. Something that worked last time could make her worse, no warning, no tells. Her brain would warp his actions and interpret them as a threat. The less aware she was the more this happened. Not to mention fires were scary and they were a staple in her nightmares. She let him read her journals. They were a constant feature.

He reached out slowly and rubbed her back. Idina tensed up and hugged her knees, squeezing her eyes and freezing.

“Stop stop stop,” she whispered. She was rocking on the balls of her feet. “Go away,” she whispered.

Aaron was not sure if she was talking to him or someone else. “Dee, honey, I can help you make it go away.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Please?” she asked, not looking at him.

“Yeah Chickadee. We will make the bad stuff go away. It’s quite easy; just breathe.” He moved a bit closer. He sat beside her and talked her through a breathing exercise. She was still rocking back and forth, but she no longer looked terrified.

Watching her closely, Aaron put an arm around her. She tensed for a minute, then she softened into it. Wrapping her in a hug, Aaron pulled her close. She grabbed onto his shirt collar.

Aaron saw some lights in the distance. Firefighters had shown up. They were filing in, talking to people, assessing the problems.

“Are you two okay?” a paramedic asked them, looking at India. He got down on one knee and started to assess her, but she hid her face in her husband’s chest.

“She’s had a bit of a panic attack,” Aaron said. “And she has epilepsy, the lights will set it off. I’m a licenced therapist so I can coach her.”

The paramedic nodded and handed him shock blankets. Aaron draped one around his wife and answered a few more questions before he was left alone.

“Dee?” he whispered.

She had fallen asleep. Sighing, Aaron pulled the blanket tighter and kissed her brow. He raised his legs, supporting Idina’s back and pressing against her shins. Cara came over and sat down beside him.

“Is she okay?” Cara asked. “Dad’s worried. Is it like this all the time? Mom said it was bad, but I wasn’t expecting this.” Cara looked at her older sister affectionately, tucking hair behind her ear and stroking her cheek. “I don’t like seeing my big sister hurt; she’s my big sister, always looking out for me…” Cara trailed off as Idina stirred.

“It’s hard,” Aaron said. “But’s Idina’s pulling through, and I know you can’t see it now, but she is improving.” He adjusted the two of them, getting her neck in a better position. “And we know there’s some medication out there 8that will help, Helen told you about it, right?” Cara nodded. “And it made a big difference, still does, so there is some light at the end of the tunnel.” He ran a hand through her hair and made sure she was sleeping peacefully. “How’s everyone else?”

“Fine,” Cara replied. “Jane bolted out of the building almost as soon as the alarm went off with all three car seats. I think she might be Wonder Woman.”

Aaron snorted. “Dee vetted her, so I wouldn’t be surprised. There was time I was worried wouldn’t opt for any help at all.”

“Walker loves you,” Cara said absentmindedly. “God it’s all awful. I do not think I processed it all until now. It really is every day for you.”

Aaron just nodded. There was not anything else to say. Idina started stirring, flinching. Aaron gently shook her. Idina flinched awake. She stuttered, her body contorting and shaking with her, clearly spooked.

“Mornin’ Dee,” Aaron said softly.

Idina inhaled sharply. She flinched away from Aaron, looking up at him in a mix of fear and confusion.

“Dee, it's alright,” Cara said.

Idina was shaken, but she nodded. She rubbed her eyes and said something about a headache. Aaron chuckled and kissed her forehead, telling her was going to be okay, making her smile. She kissed his lips gently.

“What happens now?” she asked.

Aaron shrugged. “I don’t know Chickadee,” he replied. “I’m sure Carlyle’s looking for answers.”

“Are the kids okay?’

“Yes,” he replied. “Jane got the triplets out, Cara said she looked like Wonder Woman and I got Walk and Erika out quickly. The paramedics checked everyone, and they are fine. I think the fire’s out now. If it was a fire, I only saw a lot of smoke.” She nodded, wanting to look around but also aware of the shadows of flashing emergency lights against the trees in the distance. She asked Aaron where he thought her danger zones for looking would be. Everywhere, as she had expected.

He pulled her head close and told her she could just sleep for now, but India did not want to go back to her dreams. She wanted comfort and kids and dog kisses and home. And she wanted to know what was going on with the court case. She wanted it over and done with.

Idina pulled the shock blanket closer around herself and wondered if she would ever be normal again. She could not do normal things anymore. Anything and everything were a trigger or a danger. She could not be too mad, she told herself. She lived the dream. Idina sighed. Maybe this would be her last huzza.

* * *

The rest of the day was hazy. She floated through it, going home taking care of the triplets, calling Carlyle every few hours, sitting with Erika who was quiet and not talkative. Idina was constantly reminding Walker not to take it personally. The girl wasn’t mad at him, she was just dealing with complicated emotions.

Half a week later they got the fateful call from Carlyle. It was in the middle of supper, but it couldn’t wait.

Erika’s relatives in Spain were not happy letting their inheritance go, and the judge had known this. And the biological family was preferred in most cases.

However, there was financial motivation involved with Erika’s relatives while Aaron and Idina had no idea until a few months ago. Carlyle was in screw it and let’s get this done by proxy mode. There was nothing to gain by entertaining this. Idina thought the same thing. No more court dates. This was bout what was best for Erika. No more court dates were best for Erika.

“Do you think there’s a way it just doesn’t go to me?” Erika asked when they told her. “Like, I do something they don’t like, and I get disinherited or something? I want to stay with you.”

Idina was about to tell her not just give up on it, but Aaron squeezed her hand instantly in a clear _No!_

“Carlyle’s looking into it,” Aaron said.

Erika just nodded “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cause all this stress,” she said.

Aaron shook his head. “It’s not your fault,” he told her. Idina smiled, looking up at him in agreement. She was not exactly sure what else to say if there was anything else to say.

“I have an assignment need to finish,” Erika said, dismissing herself when the silence drew a bit too long. She went upstairs to her room.

“Why did you stop me earlier?” Idina said. “It is an amazing opportunity for her, and it is rightfully hers.”

“Zephyr gets half of it,” Aaron reminded her, “and she’s said multiple times she wants to stay with us. How does it look 9f we ask her to risk it to keep the money?”

Idina thought for a moment. “Oh!” she exclaimed when it clicked. “Oh no, thanks for stopping me, she shouldn’t tank that.” She swore and pouted. “I didn’t think of that at all.” Idina took a breath. “She should get it thought. It's hers, and those idiots don’t deserve it.”

“I know honey,” he said, giving her a one-armed hug, “but at this point, it just needs to get done. We should go with the past of least resistance.”

Idina hugged him fully, wrapping both arms around his midsection. “I just want this to be over,” she muttered.

He ran a hand through her hair. “It will be soon,” he comforted. “We might want to consider not pushing the adoption.”

“What, no!” Idina exclaimed, pulling away and crossing her arms.

“Dee,” he reasoned, taking a step towards her, “Erika’s going to better with us in her life and if starts to look like they're not going to let it go, we might need to re-evaluate.”

“She deserves a family.”

“We are her family, a piece of paper and legal status isn’t going to change that.”

She was still glaring at him.

“Dee, things mean differently to Erika. The paper isn’t going to change how she thinks of us.”

“What if we both die in a car crash? That paper would keep her safe.”

He nodded. “I know, but she’ll be eighteen in less than six months. At this point keeping her with us is the best thing. Dee, if she goes back into the system we’re never going to see her again. She won’t come back. It has nothing to do with whether she likes us, and even if she wanted to it is possible, she would not have a way to contact us. She hates feeling like a burden and coming back after eighteen would play into that.” He paused when he saw tears leaking from her eyes. 

He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. “Oh, Dee, honey,” he said as he stroked her hair. “We’re not going to lose Erika.”

“I know,” Idina choked. “I don’t like thinking about it.” _Breathe_ , she whispered to herself.

“Sorry, Dee, I dint want to make you cry love,” he muttered, “Hey, it’s okay baby. Think of something nice. Like what about Halloween? We can go trick-or-treating, all of us. And what about cute costume ones for the triplets? I wanted to surprise you but Jane and I saw an adorable set of Winnie-the-Pooh onesies, Pooh, Piglet, and Eeyore. I bet Soren will love the Eeyore one because it is fluffy and large. And we have to take Erika costume shopping, that’s going to be fun. And Christmas. We can do a proper Christmas that’s all of us this year, and Hanukkah as well.” He kissed her head. “Costume shopping on the weekend?”

“Walker does want to go before they all sell out…” Idina said. “I don’t like this at all Aaron.”

“Me neither,” he replied, pulling her closer and lifting her onto her toes. He nuzzles her nose. “We’ll see this through,” he said, “and we’ll see Erika through. It’s a long haul.”

Idina hugged him, putting her arms around his neck and pulling herself up. She was going to bug Erika for cuddles later that was certain.

* * *

Idina knocked on Erika’s door. Carlyle had found no ways of disinheriting Erika. Halloween had passed and they were nowhere closer to solving the issue.

“What are you up to?” she asked. “Homework?”

“No,” the girl replied, looking up from her laptop on the desk. “Holographic chocolate!” she exclaimed. “Amanda made it to bring in for her birthday and it's not that hard to make all. I bet you could do it. All you must do is melt the chocolate and pour it on diffraction paper. Then you cannot pull the paper off once it cools, but you let it a bubble and peel off itself and the grooves I the paper that diffracts the light will be on the top of the chocolate.”

“Sounds interesting,” Idina said, coming over and looking over her shoulder.

“It is!” she exclaimed, nodding.

“We should try that,” Idina replied with a smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it looks like a lot of fun.” She snorted. “That would confuse the triplets so much. Shiny and chocolate. That’ll be great.” She walked over to the couch and motioned for Erika to set down beside her.

Erika instantly knew something was up and her face fell. She sat down beside Idina, holding a throw pillow across her stomach.

“I just got off the phone with Carlyle,” she started.

“And there’s no way to disinherit me?”

Idina shook her head.

“So strangers in Spain are fighting over who gets to pretend to tolerate me for money,” she sighed.

“Honey, no one tolerates you,” Idina said sternly.

“You don’t, but they will.”

“Damn right I don’t. And you will stay with me because I fucking said so, and that’s what goes around here.”

Erika snorted at the last statement and Idina pulled her closer. She just wanted them to be a family by Thanksgiving. How hard was that? She sat there for a minute.

“Okay, topic change,” Idina said. “Gifts. What are we getting you for Hanukkah and Christmas? It is like pulling teeth with you, so I am starting early. What do you want?”

“Um,” she said, thinking. “Maybe hair ties? Most of mine are broken.”

“Okay, Erika I’m buying you hair ties the next time I go shopping, something else.”

“I don’t really know,” she sighed. “You guys give me a lot, honest.”

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Idina said with a smile,” but there’s got to be something. Not something you need, if you need anything Aaron or I will get it. I am thinking of something you want. Do you want a tablet-like Walker’s? It might be nicer than pulling your laptop around everywhere. Or a monitor so you don’t hurt your neck?”

“I’m good,” Erika replied. “I don’t know what I’d do with a tablet anyway. I’ve got a phone, a kindle, and a laptop.”

“So a cable carrying bag?”

“I don’t need one.”

“Would one make your life easier?”

“I, um,” she frowned. “I don’t like those questions,” she huffed, crossing her arms and frowning.

Idina smirked. “Okay, well, what about something to do during your spare time?”

“What spare time? I’m always studying.”

That was true. She was studying more than she needed to. “Are you struggling?”

“No!” she said quickly. Idina knew the tone. It was the back-peddling, please do not throw me out for not being perfection incarnate tone.

“Erika, if you’re having trouble just tell us, we can get you a tutor. Are you having trouble?”

She nodded. “Just Chemistry,” she said. “That’s it, nothing else.”

“See, nothing bad is going to happen,” Idina assured. “I’ll get you a tutor. And maybe then you’ll have some time to do something else.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“Whatever you want.”

“Oh, um,” she said. “I don’t know what I want.”

Idina sighed. “Well, are there some books you want to read? We could get you those.”

“It's cheaper to buy the e-book and it doesn’t create paper-based and you guys give me more Amazon gift cards than I can use.”

“What about a very large hardback you can use to hit someone if they’re not leaving you alone?”

“I thought you were anti-violence.”

“You’re impossible,” Idina lamented. “But in all seriousness, you won’t know what you like until you try. If there’s something your intestines in trying, let me know. If you like it, that great, if not, we’re one step closer to finding something you like.”

“Okay,” Erika sighed. “I’ll think about it. I don’t know if it is going to get anywhere though.”

“You’ve got two weeks to figure it out,” Idina replied. “Aaron and I will help you.”

“Thanks,” Erika said, squeezing Idina. Idina hugged her back.

“You’re welcome Erika,” she replied, kissing the top of her head. “I know you’re working hard, and you’re making a lot of progress. Aaron and I are extremely proud of you.”

Erika smiled. She believed Idina when she said it. Which just made everything she had said true.


	87. Chapter 87

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay I have had a rough week. I feel like I am just writing fluff because a) I like it and b) I fear where this is going and my skill to pull it off. It is intimidating me as a writer.

Aaron was in for his vasectomy and Idina was a bundle of nerves. Her mom had gone back ages ago and she was not sure if she was glad or mad. Either way, she needed something to do. She told Jane to take a day off. Idina needed something to focus on and the three babies were keeping her occupied. Walker was at a friend’s house and she was shopping with Erika and the triplets. It was a hassle, but it needed all her attention. Of course, she had brought along their security guard. The last thing she needed to do now was worry Aaron. Or get herself hurt. And then she had someone to drive other than Erika, who was still nervous and easily distracted. If the triplets start crying it would be a disaster.

Erika brought a shopping cart up to the van. Idina sat Soren and Zephyr down in the seats, opting to hold Lucinda. Soren was in his oversized Eeyore costume. The kid adored it and it was the easiest thing to get him into. It was a fir to take him out of it though. Idina put the hood up and cooed at the infant.

Zephyr was dressed in jeans and a shirt and vest with an adorable navy hat that Walker had chosen out. She could already tell the two of them would be close. It would take years because of the age gap, but in the end, Idina was positive her kids would be a tight-knit group.

She struggled to push the cart and carrying Lucinda until Erika offered to carry the girl. Idina handed the child over reluctantly, but Erika had two hands free to prevent the baby from falling. Erika smiled and cooed and Lucinda, lifting her and making her giggle. Idina smiled. She needed to focus more on the positives, like the way her two daughters interacted.

She talked to the boys as they walked through the parking lot. She had read somewhere it was good for them, to talk to them and explain stuff to them, not just talk random gibberish at them. She could tell it was working. They had picked up on a few things, they seemed to get ‘kiss’ and they knew their names. She was also certain they had some understanding of ‘mommy’, ‘daddy’, ‘Walk’, and ‘Erika.’ While she was not sure they knew they were not dogs, she did think they had a grasp on Louie being one. And Louie was the only one who was their size, and everyone treated Louie like a fourth baby so she could not blame them.

She fished around her purse for the shopping list. Idina never bothered even trying to remember it now. The last thing she needed was to forget something, either as a normal occurrence or because she was having an off day. Walker noticed everything. She was surprised he had left the house when he knew Aaron was not home.

Quick and efficient was the plan. She was worried the security would bring unwanted attention, but with three babies she was sure to be noticed anyway. The triplets needed new experiences. Shopping centers were one of them.

The boys kept reaching out for her face and poking at it, similarly as they had when Erika had first come home with her glasses.

“It’s just mommy,” she told them.

“I think it's 'cause you’re wearing makeup,” Erika said. “It makes you look different.”

“Duh,” Idina replied with a chuckle. That is why she wore it. “But I’m good without it too,” she added. The last thing she wanted was to push her insecurities on her girls.

“I said different not better,” Erika said quietly, turning away as they rounded the corner.

“Oh, Erika, honey I’m not mad,” Idina replied quickly, rubbing her back. “Okay?”

Erika nodded. Lucinda gurgle something and grabbed her glasses. “Those stay on my face, silly,” Erika told her. The baby waved them triumphantly. Erika took them back and put them on. “You don’t look bad, just different,” Erika said.

“I know,” Idina replied with a smile.

“You look nicer without it, not like visual nicer but like a nicer person nicer,” she finished.

“That’s very sweet,” Idina said.

They walked around the store, grabbing items. It was early in the morning; not many people were out yet. She talked the triplets through it. Mommy wants this for supper, and this is a treat for Walker for being such a brave boy and an amazing older brother. Look, we put these in the cart… yes, like that! She had exclaimed as Soren took something from her and threw it in the cart. Lucinda went for Erika’s glasses.

“These stay in my face,” Erika told her. “Okay, Cindy? Glasses on my face.”

The baby giggled in response and Erika blew her a kiss, smiling. She might not have been interested when Idina was pregnant, but now she loved her siblings. That much was clear. Idina wished the two of them could share something like that one day.

“I was thinking,” Erika said quietly as they went down the toiletry aisle. Idina needed bladder leak underwear and she was going to sucker punch anyone who took out a camera. She encouraged the girl to keep speaking, keep distracting her “What if I weren’t to inherit the money. Like they cannot disinherit me, but what if we could prove I am not related to them. Like us and them, we both agree to get a botched DNA test, or they ask for a DNA test against someone they know will draw negative or inconclusive results, and if neither of us challenges it then it goes to someone else, not me and it’s no longer an issue.”

Idina stared at her for a moment, soaking it in. “I’ll call Carlyle and see what he thinks,” she replied. She did not know what she thought. Talking things over with Aaron would help.

Erika nodded and they continued down the aisle till Idina found what she wanted and crossed the last item off the list., then proceeded to the checkout. As they started loading the conveyor belt, Zephyr started to become very fussy, grunting and wiggling in his seat. It did not take long to realize what was up. The smell tipped her off almost instantly.

“I’m going to take him to the change room,” she told Erika, handing her the debit card. “Finish up here and if I’m not back, load everything into the van, okay?”

Erika nodded. She put Lucinda down in the seat where Zephyr had been. The baby stared up at her, absolutely offended to be sat down and buckled into the cart when she had just previously been free.

“Get over it,” Idina told her, kissing both babies on the cheeks. She told the guard to stay with Erika and the two babies. She would be fine on her own, she hoped.

When she made it back, everything was paid for the bags were almost finished being packed.

“Hey, Erika,” someone called out. Erika jumped beside her, startled.

Idina stood up straighter, a bit more later and took hold of her daughter’s wrist. A boy around Erika’s age jogged up to them smiling and waving. Idina had not seen him before.

“Hi,” the boy said again.

“Hi,” Erika said.

He turned to Idina and smiled. “Hi, I’m in some of Erika’s classes,” he said, extending a hand. “My name’s Sacha, we moved here a month ago.” He had a slight French accent.

“Oh, uh, nice to meet you,” she said, a bit flustered at his forwardness. Zephyr struggled in her arm. His skin was tanner than hers and his hair reminded her of Walker’s. he had a wide smile and stood around Aaron’s height.

“ _Mon Dieu, Sacha, qu’est-que tu fais ici_? _”_ someone said, running up to them. The girl looked like she was the boy’s sister. “Sorry about him, he’s like a puppy sometime.” She grabbed his wrist and pulled him away. “We have to finish the shopping _today_ ,” she said as she dragged him off.

He waved at them as he disappeared towards the self-checkouts.

“So,” Idina said, turning back to Erika.

“It’s just some guy in my class,” she replied.

“He was excited to see you.”

“He’s excited to see everyone,” she replied.

“He’s cute,” she teased.

“He has a girlfriend so stop,” Erika replied. “Also, we, why do think someone my age is cute?”

Idina snorted. “Walker’s cute, and so are the babies,” she argued even though it meant different things. She was about to say something else then decided against it, instead of grilled her further. Sacha had a girlfriend already because he talked to _everybody_. He knew the kids of the janitor and was well above Erika’s idea of appropriate extraversion. He was borderline extreme, and apparently, Hudson agreed.

“Talking to people is good,” Idina reminded her.

“Yes, but I’m never going to walk up to someone in the street and say ‘hi’.”

“That’s true,” Idina said as they exited the building.

When they made it to the car, they crossed paths with Sacha and his sister again. Their cars were parked close and he talked at them across a couple of parking spots while they loaded groceries. Everything from the sunrise in the morning to the football game last Friday.

Idina suddenly; felt lost as he started going on with terms, she was not familiar with. Erika whispered a clarification to her.

“Wait, you like football?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I did cheer for a bit, so I had to know the game.”

“Here?”

She shook her head again. “In New York, it was quite a few years ago.” She turned away completely from the conversation after that, slightly irritated.

He was nice, but he asked too many questions for Erika’s comfort.

“We have to get going,” Idina said politely as she loaded the infants into the car, “it was very nice getting to talk to you.”

“You too Erika’s mom!” he called back. “And you,” he said, motioning to the security guard, “dad?” he questioned.

“That’s Miguel, he’s security,” Erika said dryly.

“Oh,” Sacha said, his face falling. “You have security?”

“Yes.”

He seemed a bit taken aback by her sudden brashness.

“We need to be going,” Idina said calmly, motioning for Erika to step into the van. “You’ve got work,” she reminded her, even though Erika knew.

“Yes,” Erika replied quickly, climbing into the back and sitting down.

They left shortly after, dropping Erika off at her work.

~

When Idina got home, Aaron was already there. She was not expecting him to be home so soon, but she was glad. Two of his sisters were there, Remona and Suzanne. They helped Idina put the triplets down for their afternoon nap before leaving. 

Idina cuddled Aaron, leaning back on the couch while he tried to lay down on her, but the size difference was too much.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” he said.

“Shut up and be loved,” she told him, gesturing for him to sit with her. She wrapped her arms around his waist, letting him rest on top of her. “I feel like I’m five with one of those giant carnival teddy bears,” she told him, kissing his cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Not excited for the painkiller to wear off,” he replied. He seemed a bit groggy. “This isn’t very comfortable, do you even like laying like this?” he asked.

“I’m half the size of you,” she pointed out, “I don’t mind this. Like I said it is that carnival teddy bear feeling,” she replied, slipping her hands under his shirt and holding onto him tightly. “Thank you,” she told him. “I know it was a bit silly but it’s giving me severe peace of mind. So, thank you, Aaron,” she repeated. “I honestly do not know how to express how grateful I am.” She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against his, exhaling slowly.

“Don’t call it silly,” Aaron replied. “If it is allowing you to feel better, then it’s not silly. Dee, your mental health is not silly.”

“I know, it just, seems kind of...”

“Oh, god, Dee, don’t tell me this is unnecessary now!” he joked.

She chuckled. “Thanks again,” Idina said, kissing his cheek.

He cocked his head to kiss her on the lips, his hand going to her hair.

“This is a nice angle,” he muttered on her skin. “maybe it’s not so bad.”

“You sound sleepy,” she informed him.

“I’m not; tell me how the morning went. Sue and Rem are more excited about spending time with the triplets than with me since their kids are off to college. Mom is still being stubborn but dad’s getting annoyed with her, and my other sisters, you met them I think, they’re still off in Europe but I think Liz moved to New Zealand and I got all the family gossip.”

“That’s very amusing,” Idina said. “You don’t think your mom’s going to be causing any more issues?’

“I don’t think dad will let her, and if she does, I’m in your corner, always.”

Idina then told him about the morning, which led to an in-length discussion on the court case. Idina was still wondering if there was foul play. Something about everything was rubbing her the wrong way, and now that she knew there was money involved it was not hard to see why. But she now agreed with Aaron, Erika’s wishes were most important. She needed their support now more than ever.

“Carlyle’s still saying to be bothered with the websites, but I’m having trouble believing someone would go through all that effort without having something to gain. I don’t think it’s just messing with us,” she admitted.

“I thought you weren’t looking at them Idina,” Aaron replied, his tone serious.

“I’m not. Looking at the websites. I’m aware they exist.”

“Idina, please don’t,” he begged. “Please Dee. Nothing good can come from it.”

“I don’t want to be ignorant.”

“I’m not asking you too, honey. All I am asking is that you do not let the angry men who never moved out of their parent’s basements rant on the internet get to you. Don’t give them any attention.”

“Lester Friday was an angry man ranting in his basement! I am pretty sure if he found a way to message me again, you would want to know. And you saw that one I showed you, that sounded just like him. What if it is not a copycat? What if Walker’s grandparents actually want to hurt the boys? Shouldn’t we have some sort of idea what happening?”

“Idina, those two situations are not equitable,” Aaron said calmly. He took one of her hands and began to massage her palm while she huffed but did not take her hand away from him. “You are right, there could be threats, however, these are strangers with little capacity. It is cyberbullying and there is nothing we can do about it but ignore them. With all the scrutiny about Erika’s safety we would hear about it if any of those… harmless, mad little people posed a valid threat. ‘Kay baby? I know you think I do not care. I do, I do, Dee. I just do not want to fixate on something we cannot change. Security in the house? We can work on that. Getting the kids to and from school safely? We can work on that. Controlling what every angry person with a keyboard says? We can’t.”

“How do you do it?” she asked. “Because whenever I try I can’t. I think about how the texting got out of hand with the blackmailer and I keep thinking that if we catch it sooner it won’t ever get to that point again.”

“But this did not start online Dee,” Aaron said. “It did get out of hand, and I’m not going to say it was not partly your fault, but we know what to do now, and how to move forward. Will you do the same thing if it happens again?”

“No,” she admitted. “At the very least I’d stomp on my phone, but I’d probably just tell someone about it and let them deal with it.”

“S—”

“And then get worried that they aren’t handling it properly and I’ll just spiral differently,” she finished.

“ _Or_ we let the professionals deal with it, and we get you to help right away before you spiral.”

“Or the stress breaks my brain and I lose whatever sanity I have left,” she huffed.

“That’s why we get you help before that happens. It’s like cancer, early detection and treatment is better than letting it get to stage three.”

She nodded. “What about you?” Idina asked after a minute.

“Me?”

“Yeah, how are you feeling inside? What makes you nervous? There must be something. Don’t let me be all alone over here.”

“Well…” he muttered, not wanting to say a word. Her. Idina made him so nervous. Of course, the kids scared him sometimes, but it was his wife who constantly swam around in his brain. He thought of her every morning, and not in the sweet romantic way. In the way where he had to check her breathing and wonder if today a good or bad day would be. How Walker would react. How she would react Walker. If every day not medicated was bringing them closer to disaster.

“What?” she asked. Not mad, just kind, concerning. Caring. Idina. She gave him an encouraging squeeze. “it’s me, isn’t it? I am not surprised. I would be too if I were you. I just want to know how, what it’s like for you,” she pleaded. “I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one who feels like our lives are bordering on insanity.”

“Yeah, Dee, you worry me sometimes,” he admitted. He did not want to make her worse. If she started worrying about him, it would be too much.

“And?” she prompted.

“And what?” he asked.

“And does it bother you every day? What is it like? Be honest with me, I want to know it all. I tell you everything. You could offer me the same courtesy.”

“I don’t want to burden you,” he told her.

“You can’t decide what burdens me,” she replied. “We are a team. I am not letting you go until you spill, which means I cannot move, which means no one is going to pick Walker, or _Erika_ , up tonight. No one will take care of the triplets. No one’s doing anything because I run this household.”

He took a deep breath. Then he told her. Slowly, quietly, wishing he could see her face. I could not say she felt lighter. It was already weighing on him that Idina might feel worse. But he felt different. She was quiet the entire time. “I love you Dee, and that means I’m going to worry about you. It means I am going to want what is best for you even when you do not like it. I am going to worry about you, just like you do with the kids. And I am going to worry about the kids too, I just think they are a bit better off right now. I put out fires as they come, you like to douse every bush so nothing can light in the first place. Not that damage control is bad, I think there are some situations where it’s better for everyone until we know if we need to do damage control or not.”

She was quiet.

“Are you going to say something?” he asked.

He felt her shake her head. “I’m just going to hold you,” she whispered. “I love you. Please take care of yourself just as much as you do me.”

“I am,” he said, kissing her hand. “And maybe we can find a compromise about the sites. I just do not want you reading them. Live in the moment a bit. We have got five kids. This time next year Erika will be filling out university applications. The triplets will be over a year old. Walker’s going to be less than a year away from being a teenager. I know you are worried about being there in the future, but I do not want you missing out now either. I know that I act like everything is fine. I just like taking a breather and enjoying what we have.”

“If I could go back, and if I had to do all this over again… you know I cannot, I told you. It is not fair or right. I cannot tell Erika my life is fine. I cannot tell sixteen-year-old me it is either. But if I had to, I would want to spend more time with everyone. Erika when she first came to live with us. I hate it so much that I did not. Maybe it worked in our favour, maybe it is why we are still seeing issues. Either way, you’re right.”

“Let’s make a plan,” he said. “I like plans, you like plans. We can talk to Carlyle, see what is realistic. Make up a list about everything you’re worried about and address it one by one.”

“Deal,” Idina said.

~

Lists worked. While she hated scheduling her life like she was on tour, it worked. They were in the process of doing a DNA test. Just because Erika was related to her parents does not mean her parents are who people think they are. All they needed was someone far enough away that the results would cast doubt, and considering how old the will was, it should not be hard to find an extended family member that would bring the results back negative. It was a win-win.

Idina also satisfied herself that Marcia and Jeffries just wanted to be in Walker’s life. They did not care about the triplets. It was hard hearing someone did not care about them, but maybe it was for the best.

There was nothing to do about the websites, other than assuring herself that the right authorities would know if something dangerous popped up, especially concerning Erika. She promised herself not to look at the sites unless she was with Aaron, so she would curl up in his arms and skim them before bed, while he silently worried.

The holidays were approaching. After a very spirited talk with Walker, they had agreed to all gifts on Christmas, but Hanukkah traditions and celebrations would be done and had to be attended by everyone, on a threat of no Christmas, Walker specifically. No avoiding them to play with friends. He promised to keep it if she promised to be here on Christmas. No more hospitals.

Thanksgiving was vast approaching. They could not travel with Erika, but it seemed wrong to ask everyone to uproot their lives to come to spend it with them again. Aaron kept telling her they could sort it out later, but soon there would be no later. He had immediate family who could still attend if his mother did not come. Cara was coming out with her husband and sons as they were sick of the cold weather. Idina hated to admit it, but she wanted to see her mother again.

Instead of counting the days till thanksgiving, which she hated anyway, she was counting the day until the tests came back. The will would be void. She would be free to adopt Erika.

Soothing Zephyr to sleep, she walked around the upstairs. Walker was in his room, chatting with his grandparents. She smiled at waved at them when her little boy held the screen up. They waived back and plaid “guess the baby” at their grandson’s behest. They got it right, but there was a thirty-three percent chance they would. Fifty-fifty if they noticed she had been carrying a boy. But she smiled and went along anyway, exchanging pleasantries and life details because it meant she could sit on Walker’s bed and cuddle him while he cooed over his bother.

“I’m sure everything’s going to work out the way it’s intended too,” Marcia said.

Idina smiled and thanked her. She wondered if they had contact with Taye. If they wanted to contact Taye. If they knew what he did and if they did; if they blamed her. Those were questions she would never get answered.

Zephyr finally dozed off and she went to put him in his crib and wished him pleasant dreams, turning to see Aaron smiling in the doorframe. Yesterday had been a bad day. Today was light and airy, but a good day.

He smelt like his favourite shampoo. And he was right, as usual. Focusing on today was a good idea today because tomorrow might be worse.

~

A few days before the test was scheduled to come in Idina found Erika going through the New York box in her room.

“I’m just making sure there’s not something in here that could ruin everything,” Erika told her.

Idina looked over what was sprawled out on the bed. Mementos of a life Erika hated, one Idina was not a part of. A collection of letters tied with a worn shoelace. A few books with stains and rips and possibly mould. A bright orange sweater with a whole and skid marks across the back.

“That’s going in the garbage,” Erika said. “I always hated it and now I have something nice,” she informed her, motioning to the light blue sweater she was wearing. Idina had to admit it was a nicer colour.

“That’s up to you,” she said,

“And no holes,” Erika said as she pulled out another shirt and stuck two fingers through a rip in the seams, then turned it inside out. “I don’t think this even fits anymore.” She threw it on top of the orange sweater.

“Can I help?” Idina asked, “or do you want to be alone.”

“You might have a better idea of what I’m looking for,” Erika said.

“Are you sure?” she pressed. “I don’t want to accidentally stumble across—”

“It is fine,” she said tartly. “I’m kind of surprised they pulled out this much stuff. It’s almost everything I think.”

“Everything?”

“So maybe I was lying when I said I had _nothing_ ,” Erika replied.

“That’s not when I meant,” she trailed off. She would have expected more. Then again, she was not sure why.

Idina stuck her hand into the box and felt something sharp pierce her skin. She pulled her hand away to see blood beading on a cut that went from the tip of her pinkie to the center of her palm. Erika did not seem to notice. She was going through the pile of letters.

Idina reached in again, this time paying more attention and pulled out a picture frame. The glass had been shattered. The picture was a bit scraped, but it was still quite pristine. There was a young Erika. She could not age her, but maybe around twelve, judging by who was standing next to her. A tall girl with colour-blocked dyed shoulder-length hair. They were both dressed in cheerleading costumes and Erika had her hair up in a sparkly bow. They were posed with their left hands on their hip, and the other one straight up at the sky, holding blue and white pompoms.

“What’s that?” Erika asked when she noticed Idina staring at something.

“Oh, uh…”

“Aw,” Erika said when she saw it. “I love that picture.”

Love. There was the word Erika could not say out loud about anyone under this roof, yet she applied it so easily to the picture.

“Pride, tradition, we’ve got no competition. That is the cheer. Followed by the very obnoxious ‘Tiger fans in the stands, lemme hear you clap your hands.’”

Idina looked over at her. She had a sad smile. Like the memory brought her joy, but it was painful to know what she lost.

“The glass is broken,” Erika noted.

“I’m sure we’ve got some extra frames in the storage room.”

“No,” the girl said a bit too quickly. “It’s fine, I’m sure.” She took the picture from Idina and undid the back. Using a discarded shirt, she broke the rest of the glass from the frame before putting the picture back inside and placing it on her nightstand beside one of her, Walker, Aaron, and the triplets. Idina had taken that picture.

Erika quietly fished out more broken glass from the box and wrapped it all up in her shirt before dumping it all in her garbage can.

“Sometimes we’d mess the cheer up and say ‘Tiger stans in the fans,’” she muttered, and she made sure there was no glass left in the box.

“What?” Idina asked. She had zoned out staring at the picture.

“Nothing,” Erika replied. “Can you look through some of the papers? Most of it’s probably defuncted now, but maybe there’s something on them you’ll notice since you’ve been looking at all the legal papers.”

“Right,” Idina said. They were here to make sure there were no more surprises. Not to rehash Erika’s old life.

The teen handed Idina the stack of hand-written letters too, in addition to an envelope of official-looking documents. She started reading over them while Erika took more things out of the box. A few more books got spread evenly between the pile of the books and the orange sweater which seemed to be her ‘dump’ pile. Another picture, with a cracked, but still intact frame, that went on her nightstand. Old notebooks and textbooks in the dump pile. A few plain shirts and jeans were covered in embroidery that got neatly folded. Her entire life fit into one box and a handful of legal documents. She could not have enough stuff in there to make a mess in a room this large if she tried.

“I don’t think the jeans fit,” she said, looking at a pair. “They’re nice though.”

“Do you want to keep them?”

“Why, they don’t fit?”

“Maybe Cindy might like them when she grows up,” Idina said, “or you might want to give them to your daughter.”

“I’m never having children,” Erika said as she folded them back up.

“Why?” Idina asked.

Erika was silent for a moment. “I just, I don’t think I can consciously, morally, say that I’d create a new person without their consent and bring them into the world after everything. No one asks to be born. We just have to grin and accept it like as if the greatest gift we ever got.”

“Isn’t it?” Idina asked, unsure where she was going.

“No, it isn’t. I could have done without being born, but there is nothing I can do about that. As for my greatest gift, it is probably you and Aaron. So, like, if I must be here at least I have you two ‘cause it’s a whole lot worse without you guys.” Erika sighed. “I’m never having kids just so they can hate the world. Besides, climate change is going to kill us all. And there is overpopulation, not that I am judging you for the triplets that are not the issue. It is the fact that there are so many people who need a home and instead of thinking about giving one to someone who is already stuck on this planet people think they must create another person because they cannot love them if they are not blood-related. Especially people who do not have the resources to have a kid or people who should not be having kids. I do not care how much someone wants a baby if they cannot care for them, they will not end up caring for them. It’s pure selfishness.”

“Some people just want to experience childbearing,” Idina pointed out.

“That’s stupid, you were miserable.”

She chuckled. “I was a bit, but it was also magical. I know you weren’t keen on feeling the babies move, but it’s truly one of the closest things we have to magic.”

“It’s just, why can’t we care for the people we have before we make a big deal about creating new ones? We are actual people, not clothes that go out of fashion. It’s very…” her lip quivered. “Upsetting,” she finished. Erika sat down on the bed and crossed her arms, pouting in a face Idina had not seen in a long time. It was the angry tormented orphan, except this time Idina was not being shut out. Erika's defence might also be her weak spot.

Idina sat down beside her and rubbed her back. “Those are very valid opinions,” Idina said.

“Don’t tell me they’re valid, I know,” she said. “That sounds kind of condescending if anyone else were to say it.”

“Life handed you a very bad card,” Idina said. “A fucked up, shitty card,” she clarified. “And it’s given those out to so many other people. And you are right. Instead of trying to clean off and iron out those cards, we just print new ones and try to bury the shitty ones. I am doing my best to clean off yours. It is always going to be stained, but that does not mean it will always be a bad card. You are smart and hard-working. Your chemistry mark has improved drastically,” she pointed out. Erika was a few A+s away from matching the highest average. “And you can work to change it. You do not have to sit back and take it anymore because I have got your back. Have you thought about what you want to do in uni?”

“I was thinking I’d go to college and do a trade,” she said. “because trades will always be in need. You cannot outsource mechanics. And with trades, you work with your hands. I was always good at labs; it was just the practise exams that tripped me up. But that doesn’t help anyone in the end.”

“Social work?” Idina suggested.

She shook her head. “It doesn’t pay well, and you don’t get to make the changes you want. The system needs more people at the top trying to change it.”

“Politics?”

“Not my thing.”

“What about being a lawyer. You should know how much a good lawyer can do.”

Erika was thoughtful. “Maybe,” she said. “But I don’t even know where to start to get into law school, and it’s expensive.”

“Erika Rivera, I’m a Disney Queen. I can pay for you to go to law school so if that’s your only excuse it is bullshit.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“You have a thing called an academic advisor. I’d say pull up the school app, arrange an appointment for after school tomorrow, and find out.” Idina was serious. She made Erika do it. “Tada, planning for your future. It’s not as hard as it looks.”

“You’re still assuming the adoption goes through.”

“Even if it doesn’t, I can still fund your education, there’s no law against it.”

“Wouldn’t that create a lot of legal issues with taxes and stuff?”

“Erika, just quit, okay? You do not know what you are talking about. I have investigated this. As much as Aaron and I do not want to have to do it, we have a plan if that happens. Because legal paper or no we care about you and your success and for the rest of your life you will still be expected to show up and call for holiday, fly across the world whenever I get a fancy award and be a good eldest sister to Walk and the triplets, capiche?”

“Fine,” she huffed. “We still haven’t gotten through all the papers,” she said. “I don’ think there are any left in the box.”

“I highly doubt there’s anything in here,” Idina said.

“You’ve been hoping I’d open it for a while, are you going to question my reasoning now?” Erika teased, standing up and pulling out some more clothes.

“No,” Idina said, pulling out her stack of paper and continued to skim them.

“And check the letter too,” Erika said. “I don’t really remember what’s in them but there could eb something.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. Some of them looked like they had been from Elsa.

“Yeah,” Erika said. “We have to check _everything_.”

Idina was not going to put up a fight. She started with the top letter. At first, it was just stuff from her sister. A small note, probably passed in the hallway, asking to meet up. Soon the letters got longer. Then they were not from Elsa at all. They were from her parents. Long letters, two people who were grieving their daughter yet still trying to make sure a strange child was okay filled with small lines Idina could not help but notice.

_Did you get the money we sent? I do not mean to pry but Diane is worried it is not getting to you._

_Here are some of Elsa’s books. Roger wants to keep them, but I want them to get used. She would have hated them laying around._

_Do you think you could come to supper tonight?_

_We are worried about you._

_We miss her too. We do not blame you. We never will. We miss you too, please come over if your foster parent allows, there is something we think you should know._

“Do you know what they’re talking about?” she asked as Erika handed her another slip of paper.

“What?”

“This letter, they’re saying there was something important they thought you should know.”

Erika shrugged. “I wasn’t allowed to leave the house I was in at the time. I don’t think I got all the letters they sent since the only time I ever saw them was when I got the mail myself.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Nothing that matters now anyway.”

“Do you mind if ask, why, because they seem worried—”

“The system wouldn’t allow it for some reason,” Erika replied. “And before you ask, I don’t know how to contact them. I lost contact on the third house move, there was a meth lab that exploded in the apartment below and it burnt the secret hole under the floorboards I kept sentimental stuff in, including their address. That’s when I decided keeping everything on my person again might be better than hiding it.”

“Do you want to contact them?” she asked.

Erika shrugged. “I’m sure they know I’m fine, if they even still care,” she replied. “And I’m not sure how we would go about that.”

“To start with, you have their first and last names.”

“Oh, right.” She looked stunned. “I don’t think they want to hear from me though, it’s been so long.”

“I think that’s exactly why they might want to hear from you.”

“If you want to look into it, go ahead.” Erika said. “But right now, I really want o get through all of this. For my piece of mind. I do want to stay with you and Aaron and everyone else.”

“Okay,” Idina replied. She kept reading through all the letters. It was not until she got to some legal documents that some things seemed amiss. She started separating them out. There were records here she had never seen; stuff she was quite sure Florence their social worker had never told her about. Then she found something Carlyle most definitely would want to see.


	88. Chapter 88

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing like 5 chapters ahead as in I skipped a bunch just to write what I want now I'm confused. Also here's a university production of If/Then for anyone who wants to watch the show! Also, I drew a (bad) map of the house if anyone cares cause I was bored. 

Idina stared at the phone number before her. Aaron rubbed her upper arm comfortingly. She had managed to track down Elsa's parents. It had not been hard. She had their first name and last name. She knew a general time frame where they had resided in New York and Albany. It has been so easy she had done it herself. No hiring a private investigator. Just a bit of googling, Facebook, and Yellow Pages and she had Roger's cell. She knew they had moved to Florida two and a half years ago because Diane got a job opportunity. And they probably realized they would not find Erika again until she turned eighteen. Did they still care?

Idina did not want to tell her just in case they did not. The last thing she wanted was to get the girl's hopes up.

Or get her taken away. What if they still wanted to adopt Erika? What then?

She took a deep breath and squeezed Aaron's hand. Then it meant Erika had more people who genuinely cared about her and the four of them together with the girl could come up with the best plan for her.

Idina had to stay positive here, else why was she doing this? She was doing this because it could benefit Erika.

This would be a good time for people in Florida, hopefully, and Erika was at school. She had her husband with her.

They were sitting on the kitchen stools. The triplets were snoozing in the other room and Louie was most likely napping somewhere too. They had taken them all outside for a long play period since the day had been sunny.

"I don't know what I'm worried about," Idina said. "There's nothing to be worried about. I guess I just like the idea of Erika being ours."

"Dee, we're going to be a part of her life no matters what happens. "

"I know," she replied, leaning into him. She typed the number into the phone. Now was the best time.

She sat up straight and pressed the call button. It rang once. Then twice. Maybe they would not pick up, it was an unknown number.

Three times.

"Hello? You've reached Roger Olsen," a voice came.

"Hi," Idina said before chickening out.

"Who is this?" he asked.

"Hi, uh, my name is Idina... Menzel and I'm calling because I-"

"Diane!" he exclaimed. There was some shuffling. Idina glanced nervously at Aaron who squeezed her hand. "It's that celebrity lady who's trying to adopt Erika!" they heard him say from far off.

"What?" A woman asked.

"Come to the phone," her husband said.

This was a good sign, she hoped. The female voice came closer to the phone.

It was awkward at first. Hi, Hello, I am, yeah, I know....

"Is... something wrong," Diane asked, breaking the ice. "May I ask why you're calling now?"

Idina just explained it slowly. Erika's, obviously, a bit quiet and sensitive sometimes. We do not want to push her. It was hard, trying to find the right words, unsure what the others knew, trying not to paint themselves in the wrong light. The other party was understanding.

They asked her questions she knew she could not legally answer but they did not care. They were happy with the news. Idina soon felt herself relaxing, a slight smile growing on her face, her poster softened; she cuddled back in Aaron's arms.

They switched to video chat and lost track of time. The temptation to swap stories was strong, but everyone kept reminding themselves not to share too much; for legal reasons and in case they shared information Erika did not want to be shared. But still, the girl was no longer the stranger they met a year ago. She was now the girl who did non-competitive cheerleading and had been her older sister's dress-up doll for a while. She was the girl who had always liked working with her hands, whether it had been sewing or helping Richard in the garage. The Olsen's promised to send pictures when they could. Idina and Aaron promised the same. They also said they would give Erika their number so that she could call them when she got home from school. While disappointed she was not here, the Olsen's completely understood why Idina and Aaron had chosen this time.

"Do you mind if I ask how you're doing?" Diane said. "We see a lot on the news, and we worry, obviously, about how you're doing since it would affect Erika."

"Well," Idina said, with Aaron nodding in the background. She wanted to string something together that did not go into details but was not the same spiel she gave to the press all the time. "It's very hard somedays," she admitted. No point in lying. "But I'm getting the help I need, and Aaron and I are a team so-" fuck it sounded like a press statement. She continued anyway. "I mean we do our best to not let it affect the kids, but also to let them see that it's okay to have a bad day and that you just need to get through it. If I am having some sort of episode, we try to keep it away from them as much as possible, since it is a stressor for them, they do not need, but I'm not going to pretend like that happens all the time." She felt like they were judging for everything even though they were nodding along with a concerned smile she had seen on so many supportive, non-judgmental faces.

"What Idina is trying to say is that she is doing well, and she is getting better," Aaron butted in. "She's not big on sharing her medical details outside of the immediate family. Okay, even it's hard to convince her to tell her immediate family sometimes." He joked, making her giggle a bit. Her mom had to pry the answers from her sometimes. "It does affect both Erika and Walker; they know when she's not doing well and they both get concerned for her, but besides comforting them, letting them know that Dee's getting help, and giving them ways to cope there isn't much we can do." Idina nodded and smiled at him. He put it so eloquently while she had been a nervous, rambling mess. "But in general, we are all doing well," he concluded. "Erika's got a friend at school, and she's doing very well in her classes. She took the initiative to get a job at a roller-skating rink during the summer which was well above our expectations," he continued. They smiled at them.

"We're so glad and thankful, you're doing all this for her," Roger said.

Idina was about to ask why they had not been able to take Erika in, but Roger beat her to it. "I guess you're wondering why we didn't take her in," he said. "I know you feel like we've been on your case the whole time so let's turn to the tables."

Idina smiled a bit, her tension easing. "We were," she admitted. "But considering how many road bumps we've had we are in no position to judge."

"We might not know what's going on," Diane said, "but if you think we can help in any way please let us know. You're doing more for Erika than we ever could and we're extremely grateful."

"I'm not sure there's much you can do," Aaron said, "but if our lawyer thinks of anything, we'll give you a call."

The Olsen's nodded.

"We did try to adopt Erika too," Diane said, "but it never when through. When we first met, we did not know she was in the system. She told us this story about her parents being doomsday preppers and would not allow her to have friends over and kept changing her bus route because they were paranoid of people finding out their location. She was very convincing."

Roger chuckled and nodded. "She had some excuse for everything, and we just took it at face value since all we'd known was that back when we originally adopted Elsa and looking into getting her sister, the baby was already placed in a house. We found out about nine months later when she ended up in... what was it?"

"I think it was some sort of convent or nunnery or something that took in young girls and she couldn't go to public school while she was there. When she got out, we filed for adoption, but she kept moving houses and in and out of the convent before the papers ever got through and we'd have to start from scratch."

"It just all fell through and we couldn't salvage it before losing contact," Roger finished.

A small wail came from across the house. Idina excused herself and walked to the next room. Soren was up, but his siblings were still asleep.

"Hey baby," she said softly, picking him up and pulling him close. He gurgled something. "Hungry?" she asked, kissing his cheek. He grunted again. Aaron waved for her to come back to where they had been sitting so, she did.

Soren was instantly interested in the phone, sticking his hands directly on it. Luckily, he did not mess anything up. Idina giggled a bit and introduced her son.

"He fell asleep an hour before his siblings did, so the other two will still be napping for a bit," Aaron said.

Soren was still disgruntled, now no longer interested in the moving faced in the phone. Idina excused herself again.

"If you two have matters to attend to, we can always continue another time?" Diane said with a hopeful smile.

Idina smiled back. They said goodbyes, promised to give Erika their phone number and to keep in touch.

"See, not so bad," Aaron said when he hung up.

Idina nodded and looked down at Soren. "ok little man," she said. "I know you're hungry, I'm sorry baby," she cooed to the child as she cradled the baby. The gurgled and grunted. "When are you going to start talking?" she asked, rubbing his cheek. She felt Aaron move closer and wrap his arm around her.

She unbuttoned her shirt and positioned the baby. He latched on quickly and with little fuss.

"He kind of has some words," Aaron said, rubbing her back and encouraging her to lean on him.

"He can make some noises that aren't shrieks, I don't think they qualify as words," Idina replied. "But don't worry, you're so smart," she cooed to the infant who did not care about a word she was saying. He could coo vowels, but that was about it. They all could, and it certainly did not stop Lucinda from acting as she could talk.

Aaron rubbed her upper arms and hummed to Soren. The baby was happy and Idina felt herself relaxing.

"The phone call went well," she said, mostly to get the words out loud.

"Nothing to be worried about," her husband replied. He kissed her cheek.

While she wasn't the keenest on having Aaron quite literally breathing down her neck whole she fed the baby, she knew he just wanted to be close. She felt so lucky, so connected to the children. How did Aaron do it, without all these special hormones? It could not be that difficult. He'd taken on a fatherly role to Walker, he was the closest thing to a Father Erika ever had. Idina herself was smitten with the ten. It was not that hard after all.

Well, she thought, Roger had probably been closer to a dad than Aaron was. That was certainly back at a time when Erika would have been more accepting of a father... and Diane as a mother.

She should not feel threatened, but she did. What if Erika decided to move out to Florida when she turned eighteen?

Then she will be an adult making her own decisions, Idina tried to rationalize. But how could she just leave me? Erika was going to leave no matter what. Uni, the Olson's, the court could just take her away and that would be that. And then Walker would grow up too. Eventually, oh she could barely think of it! All three triplets would too. They would not be giggly babies with bright smiles anymore.

That was far away though... No, it was not. The time would fly by. It had with Walker. It was with Erika. They are crawling, almost talking. Soon, they would be walking and using full sentences and demanding orange juice. The good thing about her epilepsy not letting her work was that she got to spend so much more time with the triplets than she had with Walker. And when it came to it, she could never make up for that time she missed. No amount of driving him instead of calling the nanny, arguing over minutes with Taye, or forcing him to spend time with her would fix it. In the same way, she could never make up for everything Erika had missed. She could do her best to make sure she had ample from now on, but she could not completely undo all the damage her childhood had done.

"No one is ever gonna hurt you," she muttered to Soren, rubbing his hand affectionately.

"When happening in your head?" Aaron asked, rubbed her upper arm.

"I missed out on so much with Walk because of work, and it's not happening here," she said.

"Uh, ok," he replied, the two comments seeming very unrelated to him. "Dee, if you want to go back, I'm sure there's away. The triplets had your undivided attention for five months, that is very good, and we can probably start letting them eat a little bit of baby mush now and then, so they don't need you around twenty-four seven."

"They need me," she said, reassuring herself.

"Honey, if you need to be needed, trust me I'm going to need you for the rest of my life," he said, planting a kiss on her head. "But all of our kids are going to grow up at some point."

"Shut-up," she said playfully. "I'm not listening."

Soren finished up and Aaron grabbed her a cloth to clean herself and the baby while she burped him.

"Aha," he said, reaching for her hair. "Sssmmmm."

"Whatcha tryin' a say, baby?" she asked, bouncing him on her knee. "Can you say mama?" she asked. "Come on, it's easy maaa, I know you can do it."

"Aaaahhh," he mimicked. "Sssss." He finished of his own accord.

Aaron snorted.

"We are not writing that in the baby book," she glared at him.

"It's going in there Dee," Aaron replied.

"No," she said.

"Yes, you're the one hearing a bad word, I'm the one thinking our kid like donkeys, or is going to be a grammar fanatic."

"I hate you," she said.

He pulled her closer and kissed her head. "Say, mama," he told his son again, tickling the boy's stomach, making him shriek in delight and clap his hands. They heard wails come from the other cribs. "Looks like you woke your siblings up Soso, got anything to say for yourself?'

"Mmm?" the baby said.

"I thought so, naughty little one," he cooed, kissing the baby, and handing him back to his mother before going over to rescue the other two from their cribs before they got into a large fit.

"This little girl's hungry," he said. "Zephie needs his diaper changed, don't you?' he asked the baby.

"Phaa," the baby said.

"Hold them both for a moment, I'll put Soren in a jolly-jumper so you can feed Cindy."

"Okay," Idina said, gladly swapping one baby for two. They were both ready for attention. She wondered how Jane juggled it on the nights she and Aaron slept all the way through. Aaron was good at getting up all the time, at the very least to tell Idina to go back to bed, but she knew he was looking after the babies. They had made it through the night a handful of times and with limited napping during the day were pushing five to six hours at a time. "Do you two have any swearing you want to get out now before you get old enough to get grounded?" she asked, tickling them both. They squealed, but nothing else.

Aaron took Zephyr to the changing room and Idina started feeding Lucinda. She was still lighter than her brothers. Idina could tell just by holding her alone after Soren. But she was a healthy size for a five-month-old. She watched her brown-eyed baby suck contently, making content little grunts as she did. Idina held her perfect little hand. "We're so happy you're in the world Cindy, mommy promises." The baby was clueless.

She switched the baby to her other side as Aaron came back with a clean Zephyr and took a bottle from the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. He was so cute, sitting across from her and cradling the child, smiling like an idiot as he fed his son and tickling his little socked feet.

"You made sure he's not getting a rash, right?" she asked.

Aaron rolled his eyes. "No Idina, I ignored the large red blisters of skin and figured they're just a normal part of life." Then he added: "There's no diaper rash."

"Okay," she breathed. "I told you Walker had it?'

"Yes," he replied. "And we're using the right creams and keeping them clean. They're the three luckiest and happiest babies in the world hun, they're fine."

"I know," Idina sighed. "We can never be too careful."

"Remember to enjoy it too," he reminded her.

"I know," she said. "I am," she replied. "When it hasn't been completely awful it's been the best part of our married lives." Her lips curled up in a small smile as she stroked her baby and cooed at Soren, who was happily sucking on his pacifier and jumping up and down, his eyes sparkly. She was already placing her bets he would be the first to walk.

"We should take them out," she said. "Before we have to pick their siblings up. It's still the afternoon, so it's warm enough for them, and I don't think too many people are off work or out of school yet so we shouldn't have to call a security guard." She thought aloud. "Do you think we need to live in security? I don't want some, and I don't think we have room, but is it something that would make you feel better?"

"I think our arrangements working fine for us right now," Aaron replied.

"I want you to promise you'll tell me if you think we need to live in security though, you know, to stop me from doing something stupid or whatever, call you if I'm having some sort of episode when you're out, or when I'm out."

"I will," he promised, but they good right now with the guards coming in the morning to walk the dog with the kids. Idina and Aaron joined them sometimes, bringing the triplets and the nanny, which Walker verbally complained about if they went too close to his friend's houses. "I do think we want to get the triplets some friends. They can socialize with each other, but I think other children would be good for them."

"I'm not sticking them in daycare!" she exclaimed with a bit too much emotion, startling Lucinda and making the infant wail. "Oh, baby, mommy's sorry," she said quickly, trying to coax the child back into a calm state.

It did not work. Soon they had three wailing children.

Jane came down from the second story; she had been asleep from her look. She picked up Soren and started soothing him. Once her brothers calmed down, Lucinda happily when back to suckling, a bit puffy-faced and red, but content to finish her meal.

"We're thinking of taking them out before Erika and Walk get home," Aaron said. Idina nodded. "And we're worried about their socialization. If we signed them up for baby and me yoga or something along those lines, would you be our third adult?"

Jane chuckled. "Of course," she said with a slight eye roll. It did not bother her.

Soren started babbling, talking gibberish to Jane who acted very enthralled, making him giddy, waving his hands around and touching her face.

"You've got to start words," she told him. "You've got most of the sounds."

"Ssss," he echoed.

"That's a start!" she exclaimed, making Idina smile as her infant's face lit up. Jane turned to Idina. "I'm sure they'll pick something up soon," she said with a smile.

"Oh, they have," Aaron said under his breath, grinning.

"Shut the hell up," Idina threatened.

"Oh God, did he say a swear word?" Jane asked.

"Why, has he been swearing at you?" Idina said, pouncing.

"No, I just know the signs," Jane replied. "You two are avoiding it."

"Aaaa!" Soren shrieked. "SSS-Aaah!"

Everyone chuckled.

"He's not allowed outside anymore,"

"Sssahhh," the boy said again.

"Are you trying to say your name honey?" Jane asked. She pronounced slowly for him.

"Ssss-ssss," he said again. "Ah. Asa."

"It's oh," Jane said, making an O with her face. "Ooohh, Soren."

"Oh," the baby mimicked. Everyone praised him.

"Sss," Jane prompted.

"Sss," the baby repeated.

"Oh."

"Oh."

"So"

"Soso!" he cried out in exclamation.

"You did it!" Idina said in excitement. Her body felt electric, but she couldn't move while Lucinda was still eating. Her babies were hungry little ones. But if they were healthy Idina wasn't going to complain.

Soren continued to be the center of attention, showing off his new trick whenever he felt like no one was giving him enough. When the two youngest were done eating, they packed them into the stroller and went out for a walk.


	89. Chapter 89

The DNA tests came in, 2 negative, one inconclusive, and one positive. Carlyle was talking to the other lawyers. The one positive was from a very good brand, while the others were cheaper. However, if neither side challenged the results, there wouldn’t be an issue. The rest could be done with the paperwork, and, since this had been delayed for so long, Carlyle was certain they could get a different judge at family court. Hopefully one in a better mood. Or one with an ounce of common sense.

Idina phoned pinged. It was Diane, sending her another picture of Elsa and Erika.

 _They both hate this one, but I think it’s cute_ , she’d written below a picture of both girls looking very appalled and disappointed at something on Elsa’s shirt. She was right, it was a bit cute. Idina had a plan of collecting all fop them and putting them into an album for Erika. She had so few pictures of herself. Aaron was thinking they should get her a sewing machine. He got a lecture on a bunch of different sewing machines on the weekend when they chatted. According to him, she kept a catalogue of sewing machines and other supplies on her phone. That didn’t shock Idina. It probably hadn’t even crossed the girl’s mind that Aaron had been fishing for gift ideas since it was more Idina’s method than his.

This new line of communication Erika had with responsible adults seemed to be improving her mood. Aaron wasn’t surprised and Idina pleasantly was. She kept looking for signs that Erika might no longer want to go through with the adoption because she had other options, but there was no indication. Aaron kept assuring her Erika liked them. And besides, the girl wasn’t fond of change. Not to mention she did not have time to start the process over again.

Baby yoga was more fun, and more irritating than Idina had thought it would be. She was the oldest person there. She wasn’t fond of balancing her newborns a foot or two in the air. The youngest person there was a girl in Erika’s class who was always trying to get pictures of everyone and everything, but the studio had a phone at the door policy which was strictly enforced since Idina wasn’t the only big name in the room.

Aaron was the only man through, and everyone wanted him to help with stuff. He hated coming off as mean but he was there to spend time with his wife and children, and that was what he was doing.

Idina was fairly she and Aaron were the only ones taking the class seriously. They did the exercises in between classes. Idina wasn’t quite sure how it had happened, but Erika would spend the morning with them doing the exercises with a baby while Jane slept after a long night of work. She wanted her kids to lead healthy lives. While Erika spent a lot of time doing schoolwork, her job was active, and it was starting to show. With a proper diet, Erika looked strong and healthy. While she did not have the body-builder silhouette, with a bit more than a glance one could notice she had some muscle tone.

They were holding planks, with the babies laying on their backs in between their arms, giggling and babbling away. Aaron was not holding form; opting to blow raspberries at Lucinda instead, cooing at her and talking to her.

“Butt down!” Idina teased.

Aaron, ever the most mature one in the room, stuck his tongue out.

“Bah!” Lucinda said, doing the same thing.

“Oh, what’s that little Cindy?” Aaron asked. “Is that your tongue? Do you have a tongue?”

“Bah!” she shrieked again, clapping.

Idina had Soren nestled between her arms. He was watching her, not saying anything, but he stuck his tongue out when Idina did. She laughed and her son did the same. It was an amazing workout. Shorter, as the children tired quickly, and it was harder too, keeping the babies entertained with talking and laughing.

“How much longer, my leg’s cramping,” Erika complained.

“Just sit down then,” Aaron said, doing just that. “it’s time for airplane baby!” he exclaimed as he picked his daughter up.

“What, no, you guys have to stick with the program!” Idina chuckled. “There’s fifteen-second left.”

“I’m out,” Erika said, breaking the plank and sitting down. She picked Zephyr up who giggled and pulled at her ponytail.

“Oh come on,” Idina huffed.

“We didn’t have babies Dee; we only have to do the bonding part of this. Recovery’s your deal.” Aaron counted her down and she collapsed on the floor.

“Oh!” Soren said.

“Yeah, oh,” she said. “You going to do some work?” She asked the baby. “Stretch with mommy?”

“Mama,” he said.

She grinned. Now that the children knew words would get the attention, they were doing the best they could to mimic sounds without their teeth. All three had mama down and Idina likes to believe them shrieking “Ahk” was them trying to say their brother’s name. However, they often did it when he was not around, so Aaron argued it was something else.

Erika kissed Zephyr’s chubby cheek and Idina grabbed her phone. “Smile,” she told the girl.

“No,” Erika complained, holding Zephyr up to block her face as Idina snapped a picture.

“Got you!” she exclaimed when she saw it. Erika was mid-raising the kid, he was blocking a bit of her face and she was turned away from the camera, but Erika looked adorable with her cheeky smile and a flushed face. Of course, Zephyr had a wide-mouthed smile on his face. “You two are so cute,” she said, showing the picture to Aaron. His face melted. “Look,” Idina said, handing her phone to Erika. “See, cute.”

“My face is all red.”

“It’s cute,” Idina replied. “And I’m smart so I know I’m right.”

“Just don’t post it anywhere,” she said.

“I won’t, promise,” Idina said, crossing her heart. She had no intention. The triplets had maxed out their internet presence for the next year of their life. Stupid paparazzi, always taking pictures. Stupid her overexcitement at having three alive children who were too ungodly cute it was killing her slowly. It was the best death imaginable.

She sent Erika the image, knowing even though she was getting some resistance Erika would secretly cherish it. Things worked best with her if you did not make them a big deal. Gerda Snow had suggested post-it notes. Little messages like ‘thanks for doing the dishes without being asked’ left somewhere she would find them. Then she knew they noticed and appreciated it but did have to worry about an awkward confrontation. They also know she hoarded the notes in the bedside drawer. Aaron thought they might be plateauing, getting to the point where things might not change for a while. She was comfortable around them, had the right amount of teenage embarrassment about her guardians, and was generally happy. All in a year. Nothing could make up for the sixteen years they missed, and they’d never have the same connection as her and Walker. Idina wasn’t sure she believed this. Even if it took twenty years, she wanted Erika to know implicitly that they were family, and she was loved.

“Can I send the image to Diane?” Idina asked Erika nodded and she did so.

 _This morning,_ she wrote. _Still camera-shy._

She got a heart in return.

“So,” she continued,” Walk’s still sleep, so,” she said. Aaron knew what she was trying to suggest. “Disneyworld,” Idina said. Erika gave her a confused look. “I was thinking you might like to visit Diane and Roger, and Walk wants to go to Disney World, so, Erika, if you’re comfortable with that I was thinking Disneyworld over the holidays, maybe universal studios too.”

“That sounds nice,” she said, a bit shocked. “I would like to see them if you don’t mind.”

“No, of course not,” Aaron said. “We’re just glad you’re happy,” he informed her. The tension grew in the air because they still weren’t at this level of comfort. This involved uncomfortable emotions, mainly Erika’s and complex feelings.

“Okay, cool,” she said, standing up. She handed Zephyr back to Idina and went upstairs to shower and change before school.

Aaron shrugged. Maybe something would click one day, and things wouldn’t be so awkward. Erika was doing things with them. Most teens did do anything with their parents, period.

“There’s parent-teacher meeting tonight,” Aaron commented, making Idina nod. They weren’t nervous. Since getting testimonies, they knew most of Erika’s teachers well and were on good terms with them. There were a few they still hadn’t met yet. 

There were errands to run, paperwork to fill out. Hungry babies to feed. Idina’s stomach growled as she used a towel to dry off. The triplets would be hungry; she would have to wait.

Idina changed, then started nursing in the living room as the sun poured on through the windows, her belly growling, growing louder as she rocked in the chair Aaron had set up for her. She wasn’t quite sure why, but Idina wanted to see if she could still feed all three of them in one go: no bottles.

Aaron brought her a plate and sat down in front of her. “Eat,” he prompted.

She chuckled. “Feeding fetish,” she teased. “I’m fine.”

“Chickadee, you’re singlehandedly creating food for three growing humans, eat your breakfast,” her husband ordered. He waved a forkful under her nose.

Her stomach growled in response. She was hungry.

“That’s good,” she said after taking a bite.

“’ Course it is,” he said. “Only the best for you.”

Idina blushed. “You drop anything on the babies, and this is over,” she informed him. She could still see the steam coming off the eggs. She did not want that falling on their delicate skin.

“I won’t,” he promised.

Idina relaxed and let her babies eat. She finished her meal and Aaron cleaned off the plates as she fed the last kid. Lucinda was greedily suckling, annoyed to have been last.

“Dee?’ Aaron shook her.

“Hmm?” she asked, looking around. Something was different.

“You dozed off,” he said, handing her a bottle.

She looked down. Lucinda was disgruntled, suckling, then fussing, and trying to suckle again. She felt the sting, signifying there was nothing left for her youngest.

“Are you alright?” he asked as Idina tested the temperature of the milk on her inner arm.

“I, uh, I think so,” she replied. “I was just thinking about nothing,” she told him, then nodded. “Just thinking, it doesn’t feel like an episode.”

“Okay,” he said, kissing her cheek.

Lucinda grunted in content as she found the bottle full of food, making Idina smile.

~

Aaron had taken Louie out and Idina was watching the sleeping infants when her phone rang. It was the secretary from Erika’s school. She did not say much, only to come to pick Erika up. The girl was in trouble.

Idina called her husband.

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” she told him. “It’s the afternoon, I could ask Jane to drive me,” Idina said. No one had called Aaron. He was just as clueless as her.

She felt bad waking her nanny, but it was the afternoon and Jane had said to wake her anytime if there was an emergency and needed help.

She went upstairs and knocked on the door while texting the other sitter and asking if she could come in for around an hour to make sure the triplets were okay.

When she got to the school, Jane stayed in the car while Idina brushed the wrinkled out of her skirt and went over to the reception.

Erika was sitting in the principal’s office and there was another guy with a tissue on his nose. Another woman was there, the boy’s mom she found out soon as the woman pounced on her.

“Your street rat of a child assaulted my son!” she screamed, making Idina’s head pound.

“What?” she asked, looking past the wild woman to Erika, who was sitting in a chair in the corner looking like she was about to cry.

“You bring some uncultured child into this school,” the woman continued, “and she assaults my son unprovoked in the halls.”

“Mrs. Carter,” the principal said.

Idina sighed, maybe he would be reasonable. She looked past the principal and Mrs. Carter to Erika, then pushed back them.

“Are you okay honey?” she asked quietly, kneeling to be on her level. “What happened?”

“I just wanted him to leave me alone,” she mumbled. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.” She wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she muttered quietly. She seemed almost scared of her.

“It’s okay,” Idina said, even though she wasn’t sure what was going on. She rubbed her daughter’s arm comfortingly.

The boy’s mom was still yelling, and it wasn’t just unsettling Idina. She could see her kid was feeling the same way, maybe worse. She was fingering the cuffs of her sleeves and not looking Idina in the eyes.

“I don’t think you did anything wrong,” Idina said because it was true. She knew Erika. “We’ll figure this out, let’s just be calm,” she said, more for herself.

Erika nodded. “Okay,” she said, looking unsure.

Idina gave her hand an encouraging squeeze and smiled before standing up. The principal asked all four of them to come into his office, out of the reception area. He wanted to go over the security footage.

“This was near your locked?” he asked Erika.

She nodded timely and Idina put her arm around her. There were two chairs in the office and Mrs. Carter and her son took them without a second thought.

“I need both Ms. Rivera and Mr. carter to fill out event reports before we do this,” the principal said as a security guard brought in the tapes.

He handed both kids a clipboard and pen. When they were filled out the principal took them back and read over them.

“Are you sure this is what you want to report?” he asked both. “They’re different accounts. If you both can come to an agreement it will save us a lot of time.”

“She’s lying,” Mrs. Carter said, pointing to Erika.

“No,” Erika said quietly.

“You’re going to get expelled,” Mrs. Carter said, with so much poise and sweetness Idina wanted to vomit. “Lying doesn’t work here, neither do tears, honey,” the woman continued. “My son is younger than you,” she continued. “How can you even justify beating up someone younger than you? Just because you got held back a year doesn’t mean it’s suddenly okay.”

“I highly doubt Erika is lying,” Idina said.

“How can you sure? You’ve only known her a year. I’ve known Thomas my entire life! He’d never fabricate a tale, nor attack someone unprovoked. Also, Idina, dear, I don’t think you have a good track record with character judgement.”

Her nails dug into her palms, but she said nothing, grinding her teeth.

“We can just review the footage,” Erika said. Idina put an arm around her. If Erika were lying, she highly doubted the girl would want to see the footage.

“Yes,” the principal said. “I’m sure we all have places to be.”

He brought the video up on the monitor and turned the screen. Erika was in a sea of students, pulling some books out of her locker when Hudson came by. They signed to each other, something about not liking their homeroom substitute this week. The angle was bad and Idina’s vocabulary wasn’t as vast as she wanted it to be. She was trying to see if she could teach the triplets some words because a few articles claimed they would be able to communicate earlier with signed instead of waiting for their mouth muscles to develop and get the mental capacity to string together sentences. And some of the older babies in the yoga class could do it.

He left while Erika put her laptop in her locker and locked it up.

“Hey, Erika,” someone called.

She looked up in surprise. The boy, Thomas got excessively close to her. Erika tried to duck away but he grabbed her wrist.

“Tom, leave her alone,” someone with a familiar accent said. It was the teen she’d met in the mall.

“She thinks she’s going to go to university,” he scoffed. He turned back to Erika. “You’re not,” he told her.

Idina's blood was boiling. How long had this been going on? Erika should have told them!

“Please leave me alone,” Erika said firmly.

“That’s not going to work,” he said. “Stay in your place; you’re not special. Stop acting like getting some good grades is going to do anything. You’re not going to have the money to go anywhere special, stop making the rest of us look bad with your tutors and study clubs. Actual academics don’t need crutches.” Erika kept trying to pull her wrist free as he continued his rant. “You think the pop signer’s going to send you through uni with three more babies? She’s going to spend all that cash in medical bills and put the rest away for her real kids.”

“Please let go of me,” Erika said again, firm, pulling away again.

Sacha told Thomas to stop again.

“What, got a crush?” Thomas taunted. “You should be worried too. It’s sob stories like her that take spots from the rest of us. You’re graduating this year, so you don’t have to worry about it, but I do. Thank your lucky stars she was dumb enough they made her repeat a year.” He got even closer to Erika who was started to tear up.

Idina knew that expression of fear in the girl’s face. It’s the one that haunted her the first night they made it home. Helplessness, fear.

“I have to go to class,” Erika muttered again, This time her voice shaky.

“Being a bit late isn’t going to hurt the teacher’s pet,” Thomas said.

“Stop it,” Sacha said, this time trying to pull Thomas off. It made the whole scene worse as the two teenage boys started fighting.

Erika shirked away, but Thomas still had a grip on her. She tried to pry his fingers off, then pushing him away from her. At some point, she snapped and clogged him in the face, closed fist. That’s when the principal arrived on the scene and Thomas began hollering that he’d been attacked unprovoked.

“Why didn’t you tell me this was going on?” Idina whispered as the tape wrapped up.

“He just started bugging me today,” Erika whispered back. “Honest,” she added.

“Okay,” Idina replied, hugging her, and pulling her close.

The kids were sent out of the room. There was some talking, yelling; luckily, nothing was thrown. Both were getting suspended. Erika for excessive force and Thomas for harassment. Idina tried to fight it, but her efforts were futile.

~

When they got home, Aaron was waiting for them. He got a bearhug from Erika, who had been holding her tears in the whole time. Jane gave Idina a hug and some encouraging words and Louie was running in circles trying to figure out what was happening.

They settled down on the couch and Idina relayed everything to Aaron.

“Suspended?” he asked in disbelief.

Erika nodded. “And they didn’t let me grab my laptop from my locker. I won’t be able to turn in my assignments, or- “

“That’s not happening,” he replied.

“Aaron?” Idina asked.

“I’m going to go talk to the school.”

“Don’t,” Erika said quietly, “you’ll make it worse.” She had Louie curled in her lap and was stocking him methodically.

Aaron kissed her forehead. “I’m not going to make it worse, I promise,” he said. “But this isn’t fair. And we’ve both promised we are in your corner. Trust me to fight some battle for you?” he asked.

“Uh, okay…” she said, squeezing him. She didn’t want him to leave yet.

Idina suggested she change out of her uniform while she made some tea. She pulled a cozy blanket out of storage from her New York days. It still smelt a bit like the apartment she had with Taye, but she knew Erika would appreciate the texture. And besides, it needed to be aired out. It still smelt like that goddamn apartment!

When Erika came back down Idina wrapped her in the blanket. She had been right. Erika kept stroking the blanket and pulled it tighter around herself and rubbed a corner on her cheek.

“It’s soft,” she said. Idina nodded and sat down beside her, handing her some chamomile tea. “The colour is ugly,” Erika added, making Idina snort.

In an hour, Aaron returned triumphantly with Erika’s laptop and the news that she was no longer suspended and was given a day off tomorrow.

“Apparently, they called the moms because they thought it would be easier,” Aaron replied. “His dad was there too, apparently this wasn’t his first time lashing out at classmates. They’re sending him to a boarding school in Europe now,” Aaron informed them. “Told you nothing wrong would happen,” he said.

Erika smiled. “I guess you were right,” she said as he sat back down on the couch.

Squished between the two of them, Erika suddenly realized she’d missed this. Once upon a time, she had been a small little girl with parents who hadn’t known she was adopted, and she’d climbed into bed with them when she was scared. One day they left her all alone and she was still waiting for them to come back. But it had been over thirteen years. They were not coming back.

Despite all their effort, Aaron and Idina could never make up for that loss. They could never reverse the years of damage life in the system had done. She believed they loved her; they were going through too much trouble for it to be anything else. Yet it would never be the same type of bond they had with the triplets. Walker would probably have a better bond with Aaron than she ever would.

A few stray tears fell down her cheek and she buried her face in Aaron’s shoulder and Idina’s blanket so that no one would know.

When she imagined her brain and her walls, she imagined a grassy patch inside a citadel. Idina and Aaron were inside the citadel, a place that had once just been hers. But what they didn’t know was inside the citadel there a glad wall. Unlike her citadel, the stuff on the inside knew what was on the outside, and it wanted to get out. Sometimes it forgot there was glass there and would run out, then faceplant. Getting into the citadel was easy, you just had to get the guard to open the gates. There were a few of them, with mazes in between, but it was easier than trying to get out of the glass.

And buried in the glass were the things Erika wanted most of all. They were just sitting there, unable to come out. Mother, Father, Family, Love. All the thing no amount of force would make her mouth say.

They wanted out. And they were pounding. But they did not know that they were safer in there. Erika knew that. She had a wizard keeping them there. A wizard who did not listen to her. But a wizard who looked out for her made the glass stronger every time they got out and the whole world went up in flames. A wizard who wanted to make sure they never got out again and the gardens remain peaceful and quiet and safe.


	90. Chapter 90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I’ve started reusing names. If you’ve noticed any please point them out so I can fix it in editing. I’m very bad with names and planning names… like the one thing I didn’t do, because who needs names anyway?

Idina let Walker stay home from school too. She knew if they went out in the public the paparazzi would catch it and it would be all over the internet, but her backyard was vast. They had a picnic, played with the dog and babies. They had a small basketball game in the afternoon when the sun was still out. She laid on the grass and made out with her husband while her kids were occupied.

In the afternoon Walker called his grandparents. Idina read in the next room, paying attention to the conversation. Walker was just telling them about his week, how excited he was for the holidays. They mostly listened while he talked.

The PT meeting went fine. They were short. Erika was doing well. She seemed to have a bit of a grudge against a certain sub who had told everyone they needed to do their biology project with their actual family, not a fictional one proving they understood the material and Erika had turned in a family tree that consisted of nothing but “idk, they’re dead” and “IDK, never met them/seen a picture. I think we’re related like this but either way, they’re crazy and I don’t feel safe meeting them.” It made Idina, and her actual biology teacher, smirk.

“Mom!” Walker called, pulling her out of her thoughts and book she wasn’t reading. She was suddenly aware that Aaron was cuddling her, his thumb lightly drawing patterns on her skin.

She got up, planting a kiss on Aaron’s cheek, and walked over to the dining room.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

Walker was grinning; that was a good sign. Taye’s parents waived as Walker got up and left. Unsure what to do, Idina just sat down where her son had been planted.

“How are you?” she asked. She plugged in some headphones so Walker would have a bit more trouble eavesdropping if he managed to avoid Aaron.

“Well,” Marcia replied.

“We were wondering if we could talk to you,” her husband said.

“Sure,” Idina said. At this point, she had nothing against them anymore. For all she knew, Taye had gotten drunk that night he sent the text. It was awkward, but they could work past it. Walker was more important than her feelings. “What about?”

“Well, you probably heard, Walker wants to meet up,” Marcia said.

“Yeah,” Idina said.

“We’d like to see him too,” she said. “It can be supervised,” she added quickly, “we don’t mind. We just want a good relationship with our grandson.”

“I’d like that too,” Idina replied honestly. “I’ll have to talk to Aaron,” she informed them. “He has equal say in these decisions now,” she added. She wasn’t going to lie to them that she was letting Aaron take on a larger role in Walker’s life. Taye wasn’t around to do it, end even if he were the kid would not stand for it.

“That’s fair,” Marcia said, making Idina feel more at ease. “How are you doing?” she asked.

“It’s been pretty good,” she informed her. “I haven’t had any serious episodes recently. I’m certain it’s all linked to stress, and the medication did make a difference. But just because they made it better doesn’t mean they’ll make it go away. Walk’s been having a bit of trouble getting that. He still seems to think that if I get on a good treatment plan everything will be normal again. We’re doing our best to keep things normal, but I have no control when or how any of my episodes happen.” They nodded along while she spoke. Idina rambled quietly, not entirely sure what to say. She wasn’t about to hash out every doctor’s visit to them. Aaron was the only one privy to that, her parents and sister a close second, knowing everything save for the most intimate details. “We are planning…” she pulled out her phone and wrote _Disney World_ on the notepad before showing them the screen. She wasn’t about to spoil the surprise for Walker. “It wouldn’t be too difficult to spend a few days in New York.”

They both nodded, smiling. It was contagious.

“How is Walk doing, really,” she asked Idina. “It’s so hard to tell over the internet. And, you said Aaron was helping?”

“Walker needs a dad,” she said tentatively. “He needs a good role model. And Aaron’s been helping a lot. More than I could if I’m being honest. They get on very well.” She bit her lower lip. How do you tell someone their grandson is replacing their son with his step-father?

“We’re glad,” Jeffris said. “Don’t feel bad.” She has a feeling Marcia wasn’t in full agreement.

They talked about coming to New York, when, what they would do. Idina promised to bring it all up with Aaron.

“Have you had any contact with Taye?” Marcia asked. “We haven’t heard anything since he left our place, and, as his mother I’m worried. He didn’t tell us how to contact him.”

“I, uh,” she stuttered shaking her head. “If he tried I have no clue,” she lied. He said you’re insane and want to hurt my babies. I call him when I have episodes until I deleted his number because it was making them worse. He and Aaron have had some text altercations and I’m pretty sure Aaron would physically hurt him if they met face to face. “Honestly, I think it’s better this way,” she said quietly. “At least for us.”

“We still care about you Idina,” Jeffris said. She believed him. She’d been close with both when she and Taye had been married. And they had been better grandparents to Walker, more supportive of the co-parenting than Aaron’s mother was at least. She had a feeling his dad would come around soon. She wasn’t s sure about her mother-in-law.

“Thank you,” she replied. “And I don’t expect you to be thrilled about the triplets. You’re Walker’s grandparents and they’ve got no relation to you. I will ask though that if we come over you’re nice to Erika. She’ll pick up on it quickly if you’re not. Walker might too, and he won’t approve,” she added as a threat.

“Oh, Dee, we have nothing against your other kids,” Marcia said. “You’re free to do with your life as you wish.”

“Aaron’s allowed to want to have children too,” Jeffris said. He got Aaron’s point of view, being Taye’s stepfather and father to his half-siblings. “As for Erika, it's amazing what you are doing. How did you know it would work out so well between her and walker?”

“I didn’t,” she admitted. “It was a lot of faith. And thank you. The triplets are going to know life’s not fair when they grow up, but I don’t want anyone going out of their way to have a grudge against them. If you have any issues you should take them up with me, not the infants or my husband.”

“We don’t.” She was promised.

Idina nodded and closed the call.

* * *

Idina was arranging Thanksgiving. It was so much work. They were hosting, again. Not that she wanted to travel anywhere or plan for three babies after trying to arrange Disney World. Her managers wanted her to do a Christmas concert, considering she had two albums. She wanted to it, but the logistics weren’t working for her.

Promise me there won’t be flashing lights.

They couldn’t. They could do all the tech, but they couldn’t promise people’s phones would stay in their pocket. Could not promise the paparazzi wouldn’t corner her outside of the venue. And besides, she was enjoying time with her family.

On the other hand, she did not want to live off Frozen royalties for the rest of her life. It didn’t seem like the smartest move. Maybe she should try it out. She knew her team wouldn’t want her having an episode. She also wasn’t sure if she wanted to work during her holiday. But one show, maybe the last night? Couldn’t be too bad. The kids could do something fun with Aaron. Idina wanted to talk it over with Walker, but she could not without ruining the surprise.

Walker was excited about seeing his Grandparents. And it helped with the ruse. If they left early, they could celebrate at Disney World, and Erika could spend time with the Olsens on Christmas, and they could still have Hanukkah at home. It was almost too good to be true.

The court meeting was a few days away. Idina knew it would go swell. Third times the charm, isn’t that what people said? They were going to get Erika something special, to mark the date.

And, most importantly, Idina was actually going to be there during the holidays. That was her goal. It sounded stupid, but the more she thought about the more she felt like something could just rip her away at any moment.

She took a calming breath. It was going to be fine.

“You good?” Aaron asked.

The triplets were asleep. They were cuddling on the couch, her on his lap.

“Yeah,” she replied with a smile. “I can’t believe it’s been a year. I’m hoping next year my life will be on track again,” she sighed. Aaron kissed her neck, making her smile as she continued. She wrote in her journal as she rambled until she finished the book. She stopped mid-sentence.

“Chickadee?” Aaron asked.

Idina robotically closed the back flap of the journal and opened it again, her thoughts stringing into loose air unsure where to go.

“The journal’s full,” she said after a second.

“Oh,” Aaron said, expecting something worse.

“But it’s _full_ ,” she repeated, a bit flustered. What was she supposed to do now? “Aaron, it’s full!”

“I heard you the first couple of times Dee,” he replied. “Do you want some paper?” he asked after a moment.

“The journal is full,” she repeated. She wanted her journal, not paper.

“Do you want another one?” he asked, stroking her hair.

“Mhmm,” she said, pouting and holding up the completed one with a look of disdain. It held a lot of hurt and heartache. She wondered what the next one would hold. Would she even like it? What if it felt different what if she didn’t like it? What if she couldn’t divide up the dreams and feeling, and all those seconds her therapist had suggested? What if it wasn’t her journal. “Do we have another one?” she asked.

“We can go out and buy one tomorrow,” Aaron assured her.

“But my journal is full _now_ ,” she reminded him. “Now,” she repeated. “What if I need it tomorrow before we get it? Or tonight? It’s full.” Her heart rate was rising. She could feel herself growing tenser, more alert.

“Shhh, Dee,” Aaron cooed. “Honey, we’ll find something, okay baby?” he said trying to calm her down. “I love you Chickadee, it’s going to be okay. I’d never lie to you, honey.”

He spoke sweet, poisonous words.

“Let’s go look for one,” Aaron said.

“Okay,” Idina replied. That was a logical solution. She took his hand and they stood. Louie got up and followed them.

They went through the art cabinets, the craft cabinets. No nice journals, just Hilroys that did not feel right. Idina was getting more and more anxious. She was supposed to be doing the journaling. It was a part of her treatment. She had to do her treatments, or her triplets would grow up without their mommy.

Maybe she was too reliant on her treatments if it was psyching her out this much. It was just a journal after all.

No, it wasn’t. It was a record of mood swings and episodes that the doctors consulted. It had her rambles along with doctors’ notes and prescriptions receipts and clipping of articles they should blook into when she stopped breastfeeding. It had entries from when her babies started speaking and little things Erika said and what Idina liked to translate them as. It was something that she would leave behind when she died.

“Erika has some,” Aaron said after they found nothing. “We got her a bunch, remember?”

“No!” Idina exclaimed. “We can’t just ask her for something we gave her, what type of message is that sending?”

“It’s a loan.”

“How?”

“We’ll buy her a new one tomorrow, so she’ll never even miss it,” Aaron replied. “She’s using three, maybe, and we bought her over a dozen because we’re indecisive and couldn’t figure out what she’d like most. I’m sure there are some in there she doesn’t like anyway,” he rationalized. “And she has every right to say no,” he added.

“No,” Idina argued.

“Do you have a better idea?”

“No.”

“Do you want to wait until tomorrow to get another one?”

“Maybe, uh… no,” she admitted.

“So this is the other option.”

Idina sighed. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “And if you think about it, it builds another level of trust. This shows that we still respect the stuff we buy her as hers, and we will replace anything of hers we need. You borrow Walk’s stuff all the time.”

“True,” Idina said. Though it was more like confiscating it until she had no use for it because her little one was spoiled sometimes.

“I’ll ask,” Aaron said, “Just sit in our room, kay?’

Idina nodded. She kissed his lips before retiring to their room and checking on the triplets. Louie followed her. She smiled and petted the dog.

“Got one,” Aaron said, breaking her from her calm. He handed her a leather-covered journal with an aviator-inspired symbol embossed on the cover. It was very plain, but it was the right size. She loved the feeling of the leather. Maybe a plain journal would lead to a plain year, and a plain year would lead to a simple, uncomplicated recovery.

“Thanks,” she whispered.

“Erika didn’t care,” he informed her. “She thinks she had way too many. And she smiled a bit when she said that. And while I didn’t say anything, she did assume it was for you and says if you need another let her know.”

Idina smiled. “We don’t deserve such great kids,” she said.

“I know,” Aaron said, “but we’ve got ‘em, so what are we to do?”

“Give them everything _they_ deserve,” she replied.

“I can live with that,” Aaron said through a yawn. Louie yawned too.

I’m going to write a bit more,” Idina said, but I can use a flashlight so you can just hide your face in the sheets if you need to sleep.”

“It’s okay,” he said, yawning again, “I want to cuddle with my wife.”

They fell asleep cuddling, but they didn’t make it through the night. Louie awoke them, barking up a storm, running out of their room, and barking some more. When they didn’t move as fast as he wanted them to, he bit one of the blankets and pulled it out into the hallway.

“What the hell?” Idina mumbled, stumbling out into the hallway.

Louie ran down the corridor to the triplets’ room and started barking furiously at the closed door, waking them. Only two cries wafted into the hallway.


End file.
